Feel Like I'm Going Crazy

[JessCS]

Hi -

I'm new here and so glad that I found this forum. 

My father passed in 2004 at age 60 from lung cancer. He and I were very close. I still miss him dearly.

My mother passed away January 1, 2016. My mother's passing was not expected. Her health was failing, rapidly in the last month but there was always hope mostly because no one really knew what was going on. I was long distance (7 hour drive away) with two small children to take care of (now 5 and 7). I am an only child.

I feel like I could have done so much more for my mother. I often have feelings of guilt about this. I was sometimes unkind to her out of frustration. I have a tendency to get angry when I'm upset and/or feel out of control. I also feel guilty because, at the time of her death, I felt a bit of relief. I feel like I haven't really grieved her. After the week of the funeral - clearing out her apartment in a hurry, dealing with an unfriendly landlord, and financial issues - I went right back to "normal" life. Everyone where I live assumed I was strong, brave, whatever, and didn't really support me. I have felt very alone but sort of tucked that away.

Over the last two months, I've developed intense anxiety.I started medication that sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. I constantly feel like my life is about to fall apart. I have stressors that are real and some that are my own invention. For instance, I can feel my heart rate go up and have my stomach get upset just trying to figure out what to pack in my girls' lunchboxes in the morning. My spouse is tired of hearing about my anxieties. He tries to be supportive, just doesn't know how and does get exhausted hearing the same things over and over. 

I've only cried a couple of times. It came out of the blue and didn't last long. 

I'm wondering if anyone has experienced, is experiencing, the same and/or if anyone has advice to offer.

My gratitude in advance for any feedback.

Peace,

Jess

 

[reader]

Quote

 

Dear Jess,

My deepest condolences on the passing of your mother and father. I'm so sorry. I can relate to everything you are writing about. Grief is a terrible emotional rollercoaster. Filled with so many raw emotions. You've had so much going on.  Everything is always 20/20 hindsight. During this difficult time try to be as kind and gentle as you can with yourself. I know everything is easier said than done.

You are not alone. We are all here for you. I'm not sure if you are interested but maybe try to speak with a grief counsellor or join a support group. I'm not sure if there area any other community resources you could access. I know everyone is different. What works for one person might not work for another. I think its only natural to have anxiety after facing such a huge loss. If your current doctor is not being supportive, I would seek a second and third opinion.

I just stumbled upon this book called The Grief Recovery Handbook by Russell Friedman. I watched him talk about grief on YouTube. I feel he is someone that really understands.

Thinking of you. Sending you lots of hugs.

 

 

[JessCS]

Thank you so much for your feedback and support. 

I have an appointment tomorrow with my GP in hopes of getting some more psychological support going (rather than just the pharmaceutical approach). Fingers crossed there.

I will check out the Russell Friedman suggestions you mentioned as well.

So glad I found this forum already.

Hugs to you and all who are out there needing one or two.

[reader]

Dear Jess,

You are more than welcome. Losing our parents is one of the most difficult things in life to cope with. Glad you are going to your GP. Please continue to let us know how are you doing.

I also found these website What's Your Grief and Tiny Buddha to be helpful.

Take care my friend. Hugs to you as well.