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2nd Month In - Pain is still Unbearable


Francine

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This marks the 2nd month of my husband's transition (12-6-16) and right now, I'm OK ,   I was truly blessed to have found someone who defines the words "Soul Mate", "Love of my Life", "Husband" and "Best Friend".  A person who gave my life meaning, who I loved more than it should be allowed; a confidant, a protector,  my heart, my better half,  my husband.  I told him things that I never shared with another soul and he absorbed everything I said and actually wanted to hear more. We shared our hopes for the future, our dreams (that now will never come true), and our goals ( that now will never be achieved).  When something wonderful happened, I couldn't wait to tell him about it, knowing he'd share in my excitement. He was never embarrassed to cry with me when I was hurting or laugh when I made a fool of yourself.

He never tried to hurt my feelings or make me feel like I was not "good enough" but rather he would build me up and show me the things about myself that made me special and even beautiful. That so touched my heart and I knew how lucky I was to have a man like him in my life.   There was never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when he was around; I knew all was fine and I felt so safe..   I could be myself and not worry about what others thought because he loved me for who I was.  The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a card, song or walk became valuable treasures to me and I keep them safe in your heart to cherish forever.

Since his transition, things just don't matter any longer; laughter is no longer a part of my daily life; and I have a "I don't care" attitude.   Before he left this world, he would phone me once or twice during the day just to see know how my day was going.    I felt so special and that would bring a smile to my face knowing that he cared; just to hear his voice was quite content knowing he was always close by.  When I opened my heart to him, I experienced a love and joy that one never dreamed possible.   All that was then  - this is now..  

Things that fascinated me before, now don't.  They were important to my husband, and he was special to me.  I think of him on every occasion and in everything I do.   Life seems completely different, unexciting and worthless.   I miss he soooooooo very very much.

What comforts me is knowing that he was a part of your life; and my belief in God tells me that when my heart is torn with grief, he will comfort me.  In Psalm 147:3 reads, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

I'm sorry to be so length, but it helps to get it out.

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Francine, Yes, it does help to get it out. I let it out on here also. I have no one that wants to listen. I feel the same as you. Nothing matters anymore and I have that *I don't care* attitude. Our pets do bring me comfort that other living souls are with me. But, I am unable to laugh at their antics like I used to. My husband and I used to tease each other about who was spoiling them more and get joy from them. Nothing is the same. I used to take supplements and watch what I ate. Would tell my husband I had to stay healthy to take care of him. I haven't touched the supplements, don't care what little food I do eat, a lot of chocolate and deli stuff. Can't bring myself to cook. I'm just a mess emotionally. Maybe someday it will start getting easier. I pray to God and my husband all the time to give me strength and courage.

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I feel for you, Francine. I an technically only a week in, and I feel everything you do. Things just don't matter. Everything I used to love doing, even things that she didn't necessarily participate in, now feel empty and meaningless. I eat because I have to, not because I enjoy it like I used to. My girl loved to cook and we often did it together and would marvel at what we created together. I have taken a few days off of work just to let myself have a chance to grieve, but it doesn't feel like even these days of crying and talking and hurting have made even the tiniest difference. Even if I have a moment where I feel level, not happy or even ok but just not ready to cry, something triggers a memory and I cry all over again. I am tired all the time but can't sleep more than an hour without waking up crying or shaking. 

I just want the hurt to stop. I want to be strong for her. I know she would have not wanted me to feel this way. She would never wish these feelings on anyone. But I can't be strong right now, not even for her. I hope if she is watching over me she will understand. Right now I am weak and I need to let myself be so for a while... 

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KMB/fzald

Thank you both for your kind words - they really fill my spirit with peace.  I'm still OK and I pray that I will make it through the night in one piece.  It's so hard to face another day without him; even though it might be stormy now, it won't rain forever, right?

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Francine, I hope you're right, that it won't rain forever. I'm not coping very well. Everything I did here, the cleaning, cooking, other chores, errands and groceries, etc., I did for my husband, for us. Always. I adored my husband and loved being his life partner. My wedding ring meant the world to me and what it represented. I look at my ring now and it is so hard to still comprehend that my husband is not here. I'll never take the ring off because in my heart, I'm still his wife. Bear with me, the past few days have been extremely more difficult for some reason.

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19 hours ago, Francine said:

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

Thank you for that, it is one of my favorites and we need that reminder!  

I, like you, KMB, continue to wear my wedding band and will continue to do so.  It is a reminder of the happiest day of our lives!  I will never forget the look on his face when she pronounced us husband and wife.  He had this "I gotcha! :) " look on his face!  We were so happy, in love, we'd both been worried something would go awry and we wouldn't be able to marry, I don't know, like it was too good to be true!  Well we got to get married, just didn't get to keep each other long enough. :(

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KayC

You sound happy in just remembering; that's good.  Those memories - don't ever lose them.  We were married young, both 20 and it lasted almost 45 years. Like you, one of the happiest days in my life; the others were the birth of our two children. 45 years might seem like a long time for some, but believe me,  it isn't.  It goes by in a blink of an eye.  I found this poem below and thought you might enjoy it as well.

A question

If you had known in advance that your spouse would die before you and how very devastating it would be, would you not have married him or her to avoid that pain?

My response to that question was YES – YES.  If I had never married him I wouldn’t have our precious children and grandchildren. If I had never married him I would not have the memories I cherish. If I had never married him I would not be who I am. If I had never married him I would not have our reunion to look forward to when I leave this world.

My thoughts exactly!

 

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To me that question is a non-question, OF COURSE, with everything within me I'd gladly do it all over again, love him with all my heart and soul, there's no way it could be any other way!  We belong together!

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