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what do i do?


michaelsgirl

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This is all new to me. I dont know how to start or what to say but on sunday febuary 14,2010 the love of my life passed away in our bed while he was sleeping. He had just came back home after four long years. we had never been happier than we were at that moment. He was only 29 years old. why would god take someone so young and healthy from me. i waited for him and told him i would be here when he was ready and on friday he called and wanted to come home to be with me. we had two wonderful days together and i will never forget them days. he was so happy and so was i. i have loved michael since the day i meet him and i will love him to the day i die and go home with him. I am just in shock still finding him there like that. I just need to know what happened and if it is going to get easier for me to go on. I feel like it should have been me and not him. I feel so lost and empty right now. what should i do what do i say i dont know please tell me it gets easier. i havent slept since sunday when it all happened i cant everytime i close my eyes thats all i see is him. I dont know. i just dont know I love you michael why did you have to leave me?

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Time has a way of healing our pain.  You never forget the one you love and the first couple years are hard.  My husband died two years ago, suddenly of a heart attack while playing basketball.  The first year was very hard, as everyone will tell you.  You are going to feel like you are on a crazy rollercoaster.  About midway through the first year you are going to start feeling better and then suddenly a song will play on the radio, or someone will say something to you and it's going to trigger your emotions.  Know that it is ok to cry.  It does get better.  I still have my moments, but it's not the crippling emotions that you are feeling right now.  The best advice I can give you, is to keep coming here, write down your feelings, ask your questions.  We won't have all the answers, but we're here to support you and help you get through this rough time.  I know right now that they are only words, but know that I, along with everyone here feels your pain and we are all so sorry for your loss.

Sandy

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thanks for that i really needed to hear from someone who does now what i am going through because they have been through it themselves. i am going to keep coming and look forward to talking to you soon. i am going to go try to sleep im so tired but i cant sleep. god bless you and thank you. you made me feel better.

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Dear friends

I have lost my husband Tuesday, on the 16th of February. That is a week ago.

He was 49, I am 36, and we have been together for the last 18 years. That means half of my life. We have two children, a 13 year old boy and a 8 year old girl.

My husband was hospitalized for a lung infection. Something viral, probably. Starting from that point, a long row of medical mistakes ended with his death, due to respiratory failure and cardiac arrest. WE do not live in the US, but somewhere in Eastern Europe. I have made everything in my power to save him, I even rented an air ambulance to take him to France the day he died. He never made it. He died in the airport, while entering the plane. Meanwhile, I was in a normal flight with my sister in law heading for Paris, to wait for him there. The person that was with him at the moment of his death was my father, who is a doctor, and was supposed to join the medical crew that was going to make my husband`s flight to paris easier. Needles to say that, when my plane landed to Paris, we were announced that we are expected at gate no...to return back home, I knew then that something terrible had happened, but I wouldn`t call home for fear of what I might find out. I was totally numb all the way home, I couldn`t feel anything, couldn`t think of anything. I collapsed on arrival, when I saw the large greeting commitee waiting for me. I have huge memory lacks from that days. There are so many things I cannot remember. What I do remember is the moment I told my kids about it. The moment I saw him in the morgue. His terrified image is going to forever haunt me. The moment I saw him for the last time, without knowing it would be the last time. I feel guilty. Guilty I didn` t insist on taking him to Paris earlier. Guilty that I did take him in the end. Maybe if I took him earlier he would have been alive. Maybe if I didn`t take him at all, he would have made the cardiac arrest in the hospital and he would have been saved. I have nightmares at night, I dream of phone calls I receive from the hospital. My house feels empty, I feel sorry for the kids, I think it is not fair that such a great father was taken away from them. I look towards a life full of emptyness to me. I smell his perfume and close my eyes but that only makes me feel even sadder. I feel like hiding. Like dying. I miss him already an it has only been a week. Help.

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Right now you are going through the grieving process.  Guilt is a part of that.  I felt the same way.  I am a nurse and I could not save my husband.  I had many regrets in the beginning.  My husband had said to me just days before "I wonder what a heart attack feels like"  I begged him to go to the hospital and he passed it off as indigestion, two days later he died while playing basketball.  We had an argument that morning and I said some really cruel things and visa versa.  It took me months to forgive myself, but you have to.  You did everything humanly possible to get him the medical attention he needed.  It was just his time.  I know that sounds cold, but even in the best of circumstances I have learned, if it's your time, it's your time.  You don't need to carry this guilt.  You did nothing wrong!  In fact, you went above and beyond and tried everything that you knew how to do. 

I wasn't there when my husband died either.  But his friends were and in your case, your father was there.  He didn't die alone, he died with a loved one present.  I am grateful that my husband's friends were there, because he could have died among strangers.

The memories of your husband in the morgue will fade with time, I promise!  I remember seeing my husband in the hospital lying on the stretcher dead, but I have gotten to a point where that memory is not as strong and the details are not as painful as they were in the beginning.  Time will heal and the good memories will take over.  I remember very little about the visitation and the funeral.  In fact, most of the memories around that week still are fragmented.  From time to time I have to ask my parents, did this happen, or how did I handle this, or I'll ask them about little details that creep into my memory.   As for the events that followed his death, you will slowly regain the memories but for now your fuzzy brain as I like to call it, is a protective mechanism.  Your brain is protecting your heart and itself from the overload of emotions.  I remember walking around in this dense fog for months, emotionless, numb, and crying.  I literally had to turn everything over to my family, because all I could handle was my child and myself.  I couldn't make decisions, I didn't want to make decisions.  I had to push myself to get dressed in the morning.  I was also a college student.  I had started school one week before my husband died and made him a promise (the day before he died) that no matter what I would finish my education.  Even that was a struggle.  I had very understanding instructors who gave me tons of extensions in the beginning.  Slowly you will come out of the fog, but it will be ever so gradual.  Your brain will determine how much you can handle.  Do not be afraid to be dependent upon your trusted family members right now, you need them! 

My child was 5 when my husband died.  One thing I have learned is that you need to be strong for your children.  They need you now more than ever!  Talk to them every day, share positive memories about their father.  Answer their questions or at least be there to listen.  Right now, their biggest fear is losing you!  My child still worries that something is going to happen to me, he is very clingy and worries.  I've been told this will change with time.  Sadly, death has been a big part of his life these last two years.  He has watched 3 other classmates lose their fathers and just recently one of his teachers died in a car accident.  When these events happen, he clings even more.  Know this is normal for children.  Right now, they need you! 

I promise you, it will get better, if you let it.  Do it for your husband.  He would want you to go on.  He would want you to live your life to the fullest, to raise your children with his loving memories.  He doesn't want you to feel guilty.  You did everything humanly possible!  Hang in there!

A friend

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Dearest friend,

I can see myself portrayed in your description. Yesterday it felt a little bit better, i.e I managed to do the daily task. But today......maybe because it was Tuesday, and it is a week today since the day he died......I kept counting the minutes till the hour of his death, torturing myself with thoughts like: last week this time, my husband had only 1 hour to live....half an hour, 10 minutes.... I can hardly move around the house. I can hardly find any reason to shower, or to brush my teeth. I was laying in bed all day, and all of a sudden, very vivid memories came upon me, inflicting huge pain. I could almost FEEL him in these memories. I just wanted to run and hide. Dig a hole and hide inside. I had 14 missed calls on my cell phone today, and I couldn`t find the strength to answer any of them. I don`t want to talk to anyone, and I certainly don`t want to see anyone. I think depression is slowly taking over me. I think maybe I should see a shrink, still I wouldn`t want any pills, I have my kids to take care of, and I wouldnt want them to see me as a veggie.

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It's been such a short time for you.  Give yourself time.  Accept help.  If someone wants to fix you dinner, let them.  Accept every offer, because you don't have the energy.  You are going to keep track of time for at least a year.  I counted every week, every month for the first year.  I would think "This time last year we were..."  This is very normal.  It's also very painful, but the pain is good, it helps you heal.

Right now you need to feel your pain, you need to talk about your pain.  Don't avoid people right now, you need them.  Right now the one thing that others can do for you that you need is to listen!  You don't need all their opinions, you need them to listen and reassure you and give you a hug, and let you cry.  Crying is good!  But you also have to be strong for your children!  Don't let them see you weak, it's ok to cry around them, but they also need to see you putting the pieces back together. 

I have to go to work, I'll check back in tonight. 

Sandy

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Hi again Sandy,

Yes, I know you are right. I avoided people all day and I still felt miserable and floating around in the house, but in the end I had to take a call from NY from my husband`s best friend, and I told him the whole story, and we cried together, and I felt better afterward.  One hour ago my 8 year old daughter wanted to see pictures of daddy. We even managed to smile about some of those pictures. She is very mature, and she has this inner structure that helps her overcome grief. She told me yesterday that we should not cry anymore, no matter how sad we are, because daddy is still with us, and he will always be,just that we are not able to seem him anymore. And many,many years later when we are also dead, we will all meet in Heaven. On the other hand, my 13 year old son acts as if nothing happened, after crying his heart out in the first evening, sobbing under the blanket and asking me:"why us and not others"? He now has somehow decided he has to be strong,and refuse to go to the cemetery, saying he is not ready yet. Lena does go with me, and she lights candles and brings flowers. I think Alex is trying in a way to protect me, he probably feels he is the man in the house now, and is not appropriate for him to cry and show his weakness. I still want to take him to a psychologist starting this week-end, because I know he suffers a great deal, and all this masquerade is not helping him in any way. We are going to bed now, I will come back tomorrow morning.

Oana

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Oana,

    Don't force your son to go to the cemetary, it has to be something he wants to do, when he feels ready.  He'll tell you when he's ready.  Right now it's hard.  For some reason boys feel that need to be strong and protective.  Boys are told, they have  to be strong, right from the beginning.  My child only goes to the cemetary when he asks me to go.  I always tell him that I'm going down to weed the flower bed I planted or to water the flowers and if he wants to go along he does, but if he doesn't I let him go to his grandparents house (my parents) instead.  I feel they have to deal with it on their own time, not forced to do it.       

    As for the psychologist, it still might be early for that.  Does he have a teacher or a counselor at school that he trusts?  My son's principal arranged for the high school counselor to come down (it was his teacher's father).  He saw him for a while in the beginning.  Now the principal has taken him under his wing a little.  He always asks him how he's doing and he'll pop into class or gym and play ball with him or sit and read with him.  There might be someone at your son's school that was a favorite teacher (preferably a male). 

     Both of your kids sound like they are dealing with their grief properly for their age.  Just be there for them to listen and to hug and they will be ok.  It's hard to explain to a child why it was their dad and not someone's elses dad.  Especially since you are probably wondering the same thing.  I know I kept asking "Why did this have to happen to us, what did I do wrong, why couldn't this have happened to someone else."  That's part of the bargaining stage of grief.  While I wouldn't wish this on anyone else, I always wanted it to be someone else going through this, not me.  I always pictured my life as perfect, that nothing bad would happen.  God proved me wrong, but at the same time, losing my husband has made me a lot stronger.  I have learned to depend on no one but myself and I am ever so grateful for everything I have and blessed for having had my husband in my life for the time he was in it.  I have learned to count my blessings every single day.  I am also teaching my child to do the same thing, because you don't know what tomorrow brings.  I pray every day that I live long enough to enjoy my grandchildren!  It breaks my heart that my husband won't be there to dance someday at our son's wedding, but I also know I can't change it.  Life goes on.  I still visit the cemetary often and talk to him.  Sometimes I even feel his presence in my life.  I hear him cheering us on, telling us how proud he is of us and know that he looks after us.  I'm here if you need to talk.

Sandy                                                                                                                                                                                                                

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Ok so today i feel better than i have. It still seems like Michael is away and he is going to walk threw the door at any minute. I wish that was true so bad. I really miss him but i know that I will see him real soon. still having a real hard time sleeping in my bed and being in my bedroom. Well i just wanted towrite and tell my thoughts to someone that knew what i am going threw. I wish i could just hold him, kiss him and tell him i love him one more time. Its not fair what happened to him and to us He was only 29 we were suppose to live a long happy life -together and grow old and do so many things. Why? :?

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I read what Michaelsgirl just wrote. I feel precisely the same. I cannot believe my husband is dead either. I still feel like he is at the hospital, and he will be back soon. But then, all of sudden it hits me, and I shake my head in disbelief, like this is some sick joke. I felt better yesterday than the days before. I realized my husband wouldn`t have wanted a depressed mother for his children, so I shook myself a little and I went to the office( we shared a company together). I still cannot focus, and I realize people are saying to me things that I later forget, but at least I am trying, and I feel everyday as a victory. Thank you girls, I will keep coming back, it is so comforting to know there really are out there other people who can feel the way you do. You have all my love and you are in my prayers.

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I remember having those same feelings and those same thoughts.  I still, to this day, wish I had answers as to why this had to happen.  I don't think there is an answer, it was just their time.  One thing that helped me was a journal, where I wrote letters to my husband.  I'd write him about the day, things I wanted to share with him, what our child was doing, how my work was doing, my frustrations, and even my anger for leaving us spilled out into those pages at times.  I was mad, because he didn't take care of himself, because he was in denial that there was a problem (if he actually had one--I'm not 100% sure if he sensed something wrong).  There's nothing wrong with feeling how you feel and there's nothing wrong with your children seeing and sharing your sadness, it's healthy for both of you.  I tried not to be sad all the time around my child, I tried to show him that we had to go on, but sometimes crying is good for them to see.  They are just as confused about their feelings as we are and seeing you showing emotions at times, reassures them that what they are feeling is ok too.  At the funeral, someone told my son that he needed to be a big boy now and I remember telling that person "No, he doesn't, he is a small child, he is only 5."  I had to constantly reassure my son that it was ok to feel the way he felt, I encouraged him to talk about his feelings and even to cry, but I also told him that while tears make us feel better, they aren't going to bring back daddy.  I also tell him all the time, how proud his father is of him. 

I wish I had better answers for you as to why this happened.  I don't.  My husband was 42 when he died, it wasn't suppose to end this way.  Like both of you, I wanted that happy ending where we grew old together and bounced our grandchildren on our knee.  We had big plans as well, and now I find myself having to make new dreams.  Two years after his death, I still find myself wondering why.  I still have days when I get teary eyed or break down and cry.  I still find myself wanting to ask him questions or just ask him where something is.  I still have days when I wish he would walk through the door and this was all one bad dream.  But time has changed things.

 Next week, I finish the final requirement for my master's degree in nursing.  Our son will be earning his blue belt in karate at the end of next month.  He is growing into a confident child.  I have totally remodeled our house- it started in our bedroom.  About 3 months after he died, I found myself sleeping on the couch in the living room all the time, because I missed him so much or in with my child.  So, on my break from classes, I ripped up all the carpeting, stripped the room completely, repainted the room pink and bought myself a frilly bedspread (something he never would have tolerated), and put hard wood floors down.  I started making things my own instead of ours.  I have slowly made changes how I would want them, instead of how we wanted them (or I should say, he wanted them).  It helped.  I made a quilt out of his shirts, and from time to time I cuddle up in it because I can still smell his cologne on them, and it comforts me. 

You both are going to go through so many ups and downs over the next two years, it's going to feel like a rough roller coaster ride.  But I can promise you this, time will heal your heart, the pain does go away if you let it.  When I get teary eyed now, it's typically because of a funny memory or I'll remember something he said or did and the tears are tears of joy instead of grief.  I am grateful that I was married to my husband, that we had such wonderful memories, that I have a beautiful child with him, and yes I get sad especially when I see my child accomplish something special, that I wish his dad were there to share.  But I also know that he is in heaven watching over us and I'm sure he is getting a chuckle once in a while or he's thinking "why did she paint our bedroom pink! Yuck!"  I'll be here for both of you, for as long as you need me.

Sandy

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Thanks Sandy. It is so comforting to know that it will get easier. Like you i find myself on the couch all the time. I did buy a new bed the day it happened because i had to throw out my old bed due to all the blood and fluides on it but i still cant sleep in it. every time i do something i am wondering if he is watching me and then i cant do somethings because of it im afraid he will go away and not be with me anymore. Today is hard it was two weeks tomorrow that he went away and i still feel like it cant be real. Im so mad at him that he didnt go on that saturday when he wasnt feeling well to get checked out. Why did I let him wait. He was 29 i should have known that something was wrong and it wasnt normal the way he was feeling. I have such feeling of guilt over all this like it is my fault that it happened. I just hope that it will get easier for me to deal with and forgive him for dieing.

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First of all, it isn't your fault!!  He was an adult.  You couldn't have forced him to go to the hospital even if you had tried.  I tried to get my husband to go to the hospital, but he was too stubborn, he made the choice.  Like you, I felt this incredible guilt, but it wasn't your fault!  You can't force someone to do something they don't want to do.  Can anyone force you to do anything that you don't want to do?  I don't think so, not if you are anything like most people.  At 29 years old we feel like we will live forever, that we are invincible.  I remember thinking nothing bad will ever happen to me.  Why would anything bad happen?  I felt like my life was perfect that bad things happen to other people.  Well, I'll tell you, things happen that we don't have any control over.  Life isn't perfect, never will be.  We have to appreciate what we have in the moment and learn to accept the bad with the good, that's part of life.

Your Michael, will always be with you!  He'll always hold a special place in your heart.  I had the same fears that by changing things I was chasing his spirit away, but it doesn't.  You'll have moments when a warm breeze will brush your face and you'll feel his presence, or a thought will come to mind and it will be something that he would have said.  I see little signs or coincidences that make me think it's him showing me he's still around.  Michael will want you to be happy.   He doesn't want you to be sad.  He will want you to remember him for all the good things, not for the bad memories. 

It's going to take time, right now you are still in denial.  I remember every day at 4:00 going to the door, waiting for him to come in from work.  I would often bargain with God "Please, take back the last few weeks, bring my husband back to us, we need him, we miss him, how can you do this to us?"  Know that these are stages you are going to go through.  Hang in there! 

Sandy

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Michaelsgirl, in case that makes it easier for you, I also feel guilty. Guilty for not insisting to take him to France the week before he died, when I suggested it and he said no. Guilty for taking him to the airport the way he died. I am thinking maybe if he was in the hospital he wouldn`t have had the cardiac arrest, and if he did, maybe they would have helped him better than in the ambulance. But I end up thinking that maybe, as Sandy said, his time was up. Maybe that is why he DID NOT want to leave in the first place. Maybe that is why all those medical mistakes happened. Nothing went well, since the day he was hospitalized. All went wrong, despite my efforts. The last things he said to me on Monday evening when the took him to Intensive care, was "I don`t want to die. I am too young, I want to go back home to our beautiful family." It rips my heart when I think of those words. It rips my heart to remember that 2 nights before he died he called me to say "I love you so deeply, that it hurts my heart. I just anted to let you know". It was so out of the blue, that it scared me. It was not like him to make this kind of statements out of the blue. He also started making plans in the last week. I mean frantically making plans. Like buying a new car for him, a new watch, jewels for me and all kind of things he never would have taken into account in this times of depression, when our company is working 1/4 of its last year`s capacity. So, this scared me too. I now start to believe that, as animals sens earthquakes and they change the way they act without realizing it and without knowing why they do it, he sensed something was about to happen to him and he tried to cling to life. I don`t always believe in fate, but I start to think that maybe we have our days counted and when they end, they just end. Like when you walk on the sidewalk and a pot of flowers hits you in the head and you drop dead. It is not the most logical explanation for what happened, but it is certainly the most comfortable. Otherwise, how can you explain the stories we see on Discovery channel, the "I shouldn`t be alive"ones. With people left days and days in the middle of the Ocean, with sharks around them, and they live. People caught under the snow for days, and they live. Why don`t they die, when all the odds are against them???? Maybe because their time has not arrived yet.

I took my kids bowling tonight. Needless to say I didn`t feel like it, but they are kids and they are entitled to live a normal life. Fatherless, but normal. At one point, my daughter sat on the bench, and she started sobbing that she misses har daddy. Now what was I supposed to do? My eyes filled up, and I hold her close, but my sone was closely watching us both, and I was afraid that if I broke up, he would start too. So what? Who teaches you how to react under such circumstances??? Where do they teach early widowhood manners? It is going to be a very hard life for us. Knowing that my husband won`t be there for them on their first date, on their graduation day, on their weddings day. That I won`t have him to worry with me over their coming late at night, over bad marks, over smoking or driving.......I see couples on the street and I envy them. Just like I once pityed them for not having what I had. Of course that, like Sandy, I am happy and grateful for having had such a grat man beside me, and to have mothered his children. But is was too short a time. I discovered yesterday I had a magnet on my fridge. I gave it to him 2 years ago. Guess what it says? "Great times are coming. Let`s grow old together!" Now everything changes. Everything. I will have to start thinking in totally different terms. And it is sooooooo damn hard. And so damn unfair. So the question still haunts me: WHY US?

PS Sorry for bad spelling.

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michaelsgirl

I know I shouldnt feel guilty but I cant help it. YOu see I'm the type of person to smile and say that i'm fine and good and all that bullshit to peoplewhen they ask because i dont want them to know that i hurt so much still. Every time i come h ome to my house i sit here and feel like dieing. i know that wounldnt slove anything by taking my own life but i just feel empty without him in my life. I find that i sleeep with his clothes because they smell like him or i use his body wash in the shower because again it smells like him and i dont ever want to forget his smell. I just want to have him hold me one more time and tell my that everything would be alright like he used to. To just kiss him or laugh with him or even argue with him its all i want to do i just need him home with me. I cant do this anymore i am so damn tired of feeling like this. I think i need a long vacation but what would that do i would still have to face this fucking nightmare when i got back and besides well never mind. I know its only been two and a half weeks but i dont know i just find myself hating God. Why would he play such a crule joke like this and take him after all that we went through. I am so angery at god as well. he is not suppose to do th ings like this he is suppose to be forgiving and loving and well i dont know anymore what he is suppose to be. I thought it was bad enough when god took my baby from me and i had to go through that but now he does this and i have to go threw this as well he is just evil. Michael i will be with you real soon that i promise you i dont know. well baby I love you and i miss you so much please come home to me, i dont know remember how we used to watch the movie ghost and i would say if something like that ever happens could you come back like that for me and you always said yeah sure but nothing is going to happen so stop worrying well now its time to make your promise and come home for one more time and just hold me and tell me you love me and that its not my fault. I just need some sign from you or something so i know you are ok and that way i can try to start moving on. Please im begging just one more time. I love you Michael. Always and forever.

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Michaelsgirl, I don`t know what to say. It has been two weeks today for me too. I also open his perfume bottle although I know it makes me ache for him and cry for him, but I do it nonetheless, because I want to fell his smell. I know I should pack his clothes but I don`t although seeing them hurts me. I also have to cope with the children. My daughter was very sad because she hadn`t dreamt about Daddy, so does that mean he doesn`t want to communicate with her? Well, she dreamt about him last night and she was very happy, and she thought that his message to her was that he was feeling well, because in her dream he was smiling.

It is hard and it is not supposed to be other ways than hard.

But remember one thing. The same thing I have been telling my kids, and the thing that I strongly believe myself, otherwise I would get crazy. When we die, only the physical body is actually dead. The spirit continues to exist, and it goes to a better world. A world we can communicate with only in our dreams, because when we sleep is the closest we get to being, well....dead.

So, Michael is there, and he is seeing you and is watching over you. If you cannot receive a sign from him yet, it could be because you are to stressed about it, and you wish for it too much. A sign will come, I am positive about that. And you will feel his help in many ways. You shouldn`t wish for you to die. And taking your life is not an option. People who take their lives don`t go to Heaven, and if you want to spend your eternity with Michael you should wait for the moment God chose for you to die. I don`t know why these things happen, there is no apparent rule, kids die before their parents do, young people die before their time. I was thinking there are so many fathers who abuse their children, who rape and beat them, and they end up dying at 90, only to torture their offspring. And my kids had the greatest Dad on Earth and they lost him.....This is not fair, but life is meant to be lived. You have to live, and honor his memory. I started going to the office on Friday. Weekdays are fine, I just get busy, but weekends are a torture for me.

Have you tried to get therapy? I think it might be a good idea for both me and the kids.

It is no shame, and it is just normal to have those mixed feelings we have.

Please know that you are not alone in this.

Love,

Oana 

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I remember having all those feelings too.  I have a friend who is a nun (we worked together at a hospice).  Mind you, I am not an overly religious person!  I remember in the beginning when she came over to my house to see how I was doing,  that I told her I was so mad at God, that I hated him for what he did to us.  That I could no longer believe in him because of the horrible things he had done to us.  I figured if anything, telling that to a nun was definitely going to put me in serious trouble with God.  But she hugged me instead, telling me that right now it was ok to hate God for taking Scott from me and my child.  That God understands our pain and doesn't hold our anger against us, he can handle all of our pain, that I could swear at him, curse him, hate him with all my heart and God would still be there to listen and help us heal.  She told me that someday I would come to realize that there is always a reason why things happen the way they do.  While that day still hasn't come yet, I have forgiven God for taking my husband away from me.  It took me over 1 1/2 years to  step back into the church, but that was ok.  God knew that I was mad, that I hated him at the moment and needless to say the things I said those first few months to God would have landed me in a confessional for decades!!!  But I can tell you this, if you let yourself, and don't fight it, when you come out on the other side of grief you will be so much stronger and you will have an appreciation beyond appreciation for life and love.  While my life is still very stressed, being a single mom is no picnic!  I have learned how to enjoy life once again.  I still miss my husband, but my grief isn't as crippling as it was that first year. 

     Michaelsgirl, I know you are hurting incredibly and I know you are feeling lonely and angry and wishing you were with your husband.  I felt those same things, give yourself time, try to focus on other things.  Keep yourself busy.  I promise, those thoughts will pass!  You are incredibly young and have a lot of time left in your life, your Michael would not want you to do anything drastic, he would want you to be happy.  He wouldn't want you to wish your life shortened.  He would want you to go on with your life or at least let life take you where it's suppose to take you.  This was not your fault!  You didn't wish this on him, you didn't fail to see something.  You weren't suppose to save him!  It was his time.  He accomplished whatever he was suppose to accomplish on earth.  

     Besides, you don't know what the future holds for you.  Right now you don't want to even think that there could possibly be someone else out there for you.  But anything is possible.   You don't know what is right around the bend, you may find yourself in college, you may find yourself finding a job you absolutely love, you may even find yourself with someone new, who has a small child that lost it's mother, that you can love with all your heart. 

     Right now, you need to find someone or something to pour your heart out to.  Keep coming here!  As strange as this is going to sound, I had a kitten in my house when my husband died and she was my confidante.  I poured my heart out to her, when I cried, she was there to cuddle with.  I dearly love this cat now because she was there unconditionally.  She seemed to know when I needed her.  One of my other cats did the same for my son, she would lay next to him at night or if she heard him cry (he tried to hide it from me), she would alert me that my son was crying.  Animals are incredibly perceptive, and the other nice thing, they can't tell anyone what you are saying.

      I am always thinking about both of you and my heart breaks knowing you both are having to go through this.  But I can say with a heartfelt promise, the incredible pain you are feeling will go away, your husband will always be in your heart and while you will always have flittering moments of sadness, the great memories you had will comfort you in time.  Hang in there.  I'm sending a big hug to both of you.

Sandy

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Sandy, you should be a therapist for broken hearts. You know exactly what to say and when to say it, I read your messages as if they were a novel, and I fell so much better afterward. You are truly a great person. A hug back for you, and one for Michaelsgirl too.

All my love

Oana

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     You'll be saying these same things in two years to someone else who loses their spouse!  Someone said these very same things to me two years ago when my husband died.  That's what we do.  That's what makes widowhood unique.  We suffer the loss and then we try to help those who follow behind us.  There are no easy answers, we all go through all the stages, shock and denial, pain, guilt and anger,

bargaining, depression, reflection, loneliness, and finally acceptance and hope.  While these aren't the traditional "stages of grief"  I think these explain it a little better.     

     When we first lose our spouses we are in tremendous shock and denial, that typically lasts the first few weeks, maybe the first month.  Guilt and anger suddenly make their appearance in the form of "If only I had not said this or if only I had not done something, why didn't I say something, why didn't I stop him.  For me, as a nurse, I blamed myself for his death for the longest period of time.  "Why didn't I see he was having a heart attack."  " I should have forced him to go to the hospital"  "This was all my fault, I never should have let him go play ball."  I was in this stage for a long time!

     Then there's the intense anger particularly at God for taking away the love our lives.  This step takes a long time to get through and it helps to talk out your anger and your frustration with someone you trust.  The steps may overlap each other and we often bounce back in and out of the different stages.  I remember the bargaining stage for me came before the anger stage.  I went through this probably the first 6 weeks.  I remember saying,  "Please God, make this just a bad dream, let him walk through those doors, please God wake me up I can't take this nightmare"  You'll do that for a while "I just want to see him one more time"  "I didn't get to say goodbye, give me one more chance."  Or you'll find yourself watching the clock and waiting for him to come through the door from work (I did that for a long time, at 4:10 every afternoon I would stop doing whatever I was doing and just watch and hope with baited breath, praying that this was just a bad dream."  (Even my husband's cat did this for the longest time, she would perch herself on the banister of our stair case and just wait for him to come home).  That was hard to watch!  You may step in and out of these stages numerous time especially guilt, anger and bargaining. 

     Then you'll go through several months where you struggle to get out of bed in the morning, where your brain just doesn't want to function, you find yourself day dreaming or deep in thought.  I had this brain fog right from the beginning.  I felt so out of it.  This was the hardest stage for me to come out of.  I felt very overwhelmed.  I struggled with this and finally had to go on an antidepressant for a while just so I could focus on my studies. 

     Once my brain cleared out of the fog (which lasted almost 5 months for me) and the depression had left I started reflecting more on what our life was like.  The memories became a comfort.  You spend a lot of time talking about how it was, wondering what your life would have been like if he were still around. 

     Then you go through a stage where you feel lonely even in a crowded room.  You start thinking about the what if I were to meet someone else, which I did.  I met a wonderful guy about 1 year after my husband died, we became friends and would talk we never took the relationship beyond that, but I would often find myself dreaming about what life could be like with someone else.  Unfortunately, he died from cancer 6 months after we met. 

     I think around the end of the first year, beginning of the second year I started to feel more hopeful.  Life started changing for my son and myself.  We started getting involved in other activities.  I was still busy with grad school but able to focus more on the remodeling of my home, we started going out in public more, whereas we pretty much stuck close to home or within the safe confines of my family.

     Don't get me wrong, I still slip back into depression or anger once in a while.  This week is a sad and happy time for me.  On Friday I take my last exam in grad school.  It's exciting but at the same time I can't share this with my husband which makes me sad.  My parents are taking me out to celebrate on Saturday and my students have all gotten together and with the help of my boss are having a big party to celebrate, but it's still not the same.  This was our dream and now it's just mine.  So you do have moments when life truly stinks, but you recover so much easier and quicker.  Like I keep telling you, time will heal your pain if you let it!  I will be here when ever you need me!

Sandy

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michaelsgirl

I havent been writting very much the last couple of weeks on here but i wanted you all to know that im doing ok. I am having my days thats for sure but i have been trying to stay busy so i dont always think about Michael. I had a real bad night last night but i talked to his grandmother and she made me feel so much better. I love her so much. Michael used to always say to me " call gram she loves you and wants to make sure your ok" so i took he advice for once and called. It felt good to talk to her and laugh about things that michael had done or just life in general. Oh Michael i miss you so much but i want you to know that i am going to be ok. It might not be today but in the long run i will.  I know you are with me and loved me. I just wish so bad that you were still here. but i know that god had other plans for you. well thats it for today. i will talk to you soon. Thanks for being there for me when i needed you. I know there will be other times when i will so until then.

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Dear friend,

Your message made me happy.

I also have good days and bad days myself.

Yesterday it was a bad one. I went to the cemetery, and I just collapsed. Maybe I indulged myself because it was the first time in more than week that I went there without my daughter.

Then, something happened, I don`t know what to make of it, but it was like a sign.

I left the cemetery and on turning the radio when back in the car, guess what was playing? A sonf I heard before, of course, but it was not one of my favourites, it is not very much broadcasted on the station I am listening, and I never payed much attention to its lyrics in the first place.

When I die-No Mercy.

Just search it on youtube, and listen CAREFULLY to the lyrics. I am positive they will fit you like a glove.

I also discovered a book. Wrtitten by Allison Dubois, I am sure you know she inspired the Medium series on Hallmark. The book is called We are their heaven. No matter what your religion is, it will help you if you believe in life after death.

I am always here for you, and I pray for you, and I thank you for being there to encourage me.

Your overseas fellow in suffering

Oana

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michaelsgirl

Well hello there everyone. it has been 31/2 months since my michael passed away and i wish i could say it is easier but to tell you the truth its not. Yes i am doing so much better but now that the warm weather is here i miss him even more. this was a tough month for me because we were suppose to get married on May 22, 2010. We had so many plans for this summer and know i am trying to learn how to live my life and still do those things with out him. I know this might sound crazy but i write to him still everyday and ill go to certain spots that we used to go to and talk to him and sometimes even read to him. He loved to read and was in the middle of this book so i am finishing it for him. there are days when it just seems like he is going to come right threw the door and say Princess im home. I love you!  But i know that wont happen. I have begun counseling to help me get throgh this greif and pain that i still have almost on an everyday basis. I have also considered moving that way im not always reminded of what happened in this house and in our bedroom. I dont know what to do. I love our house but i still cant come to sleep in the bedroom or in the bed even though it is a new bed. Well I guess it will all come together like it is suppose to eventually but until then i guess i will have to just deal with life and try to move on the best i can. I miss you so much Michael May you watch over us until it is our time to be together again.  I love you~~~~ Your Princess and wife for life.

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June 07, 2010

 

Dear Members,

 

We’re excited to inform you that we’re moving to a new and improved message board at the end of this week. It may seem a little bit sudden, but we recently learned that the company that designed our current board is no longer in existence. Our new message board will offer enhanced profile capabilities and chat rooms with up to 20 people at a time (and more if we need it). All of your old posts and private messages will be migrated to our new message board. You may need to re-post your profile picture. Our new message board will feature:

 

  • Custom profile fields
  • Profile page customization with optional background colors, images, and tiling options
  • Facebook and Twitter integration
  • Multiple post responses via “mini-quotes”
  • Pinned discussion threads
  • Targeted board announcements (for entire board or certain sections)
  • Comprehensive search options enabling users to easily find all content created by a particular member (by clicking “Find Content” on the main profile page, or in the “Mini Profile” pop-up which can be accessed throughout the board) 
  • Enhanced privacy options that allow users to sign in anonymously, be hidden from the online users list, disable personal conversations, and deny user-to-user emails

 

You can access the new message board by visiting www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com. Grieving.com is still 100% a part of Beyond Indigo; we just created a new Web address for Search Engine Optimization (SEO) purposes. We’ll do our best to redirect all existing URL’s to our new board, but if you have difficulty accessing them, just remember to visit www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We’ll of course try to make this transition as seamless as possible. 

 

Our new board will seamlessly enable us to grow our community and provide you with even more ways to interact with one other, and for that we’re very grateful. Please feel free to email feedback@beyondindigo.com with any questions, and thank you for being a part of the Beyond Indigo online community.

 

Kelly Baltzell, MA

President/CEO, Beyond Indigo

 

 

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Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA

CEO/President

Beyond Indigo Family

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