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Endless Love


AprilDawn

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I thought I knew what it was to feel pain, to have your heart broken.
There truly is no greater pain in this world then the pain of losing your child.
It lays dormat and can be tucked away to allow the facade of living.
As they say, "life goes on" but does it really? Or do we as mourners just stumble blindly through life, wishing and hoping that somehow this hole in our heart will mend.
Reality is.... I'll never be whole again, I'll forever be broken but I will also keep going, stand tall, put on that smile and do my best to live....for you I will go on, for you I will love, for you I will survive!
<3

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Aprildawn welcome. Life does go on but it is forever changed always the before and after. We all know the acting required to go on as normal and try to appear to be coping whilst inside you are screaming and a part of your soul has died. It is an agonizing adjustment especially seeing the world and people going on as normal when your family unit has been shattered. I admire your strength and resolve in not allowing yourself to be defined by your son's loss and your determination to survive. For me that took almost 18 months to discover, I was too deep in the abyss to be able to appreciate living, but am now slowly coming back to life and finding the reasons to honour my son in ways that help others. We will often find ourselves stumbling in days to come but each time we are a little further ahead, a little stronger each time and most importantly supported by others in the same position who help to hold us up so we can keep on going. Are you ready to talk about how you lost your son? if not it is ok, I do not mean to pry into your sorrow. sometimes putting it into words helps sometimes it is just too soon I understand. I did not find this site until sept 2016 but already it has really helped me. There are some very wise parents on here who speak their thoughts and post quotes to help others in the same position. There are many ways to lose a child but only one way to grieve and that is with the love you have for them.

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Aprildawn, I hate to break it to you,but the hole in your heart never mends.The pain just seems to come and go.Some days, you wake up and the pain is light and you seem to be able to go about your day and you think wow,I'm "healing" but then just when you least expect it, it hits you like lighting.

This March will mark the 5th anniversary of my son's passing.1 week after his 33rd birthday.I feel like it was just yesterday.Lightning is hitting today...I miss him so much,he was the best! A big strong beautiful boy with an even bigger heart! I wish I could just kiss and hug him one more time.Just one more time.I have had many losses in my life,but the one loss I cannot comprehend is the loss of my son. 

You are right in your reality.You must go on and do your best to live! That's what he would want you to do.You are already surviving,there is no other option. Just keep surfing the wave of emotions as best as you can,nobody who loves you will ever judge you for that.

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I know that feeling of deep intense loss and fear. I have had moments where I feel like I'm drowning and begin to hyperventilate. My son was such a great kid, he didn't drink, or do drugs. He was that friend that would go pick up his friends if they were drinking. he would never allow anyone to drive drunk. He was just a gift from God. I have two other children and a grandson that I need to stay strong for, but some days I just want to curl up in a ball and not leave the house. Thank you all for your words.

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XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

April Dawn. 

 

My sentiments too.  I just talked to a young woman who asked how long it's been since my sons died.  She said ur no over it yet and some sentiments about being thankful for my other two sons. 

I

wanted to tell this nice Christian girl. That if she lives long enough   She. Too. Will have bad times.   And again reminded myself. NOT TO share my heart with anyone whose lost a child.       Ur words here says exactly what a mother goes thru for the rest of her life when losing a child.  No matter how long it's been. 

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A mothers love xx

April Dawn, 

my angel JAYDE passed away on Father's Day 17th June 2012, I was her Carer 24/7 as she had special needs, she was the most loving, happy, caring daughter a mother could ask for, we went everywhere together, she was also my best friend, Jaydes passing was totally out of the blue, I took her out of town to see her favourite band as part of her birthday surprise, she was so excited, we got back to hotel and her last words to me was "mum this has been the best night ever, I love you more than all the stars in sky" then I tucked her in and kissed her goodnight, she never woke up (heart attack) I did cpr till ambulance came but she had gone, the pain is unbearable, part of me died the day I lost JAYDE, I have went from being a happy, outgoing, full of life mum to a total recluse who doesn't go out or socialise, I just can't cope, everyone gets on with their lives after funeral and they expect you to do same, I found that that was when things really kicked in when your on your own, I came on here to talk as no one can really understand unless they have gone through it, xx (a special moment)image.jpeg

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So sad you lost your special Jayde, that photo is adorable. You are right no one gets it until they have lost a child. No matter how recent or how long ago the pain and sorrow becomes a part of your very being. What lovely words she spoke to you before she passed, that will be a forever memory and that she slipped away so peacefully. Some of us had very different experiences which haunt us. I get the reclusiveness totally. I barely left my house in the 18 months since my son was killed. I had a major mental breakdown with all that it entails and it has been a very long recovery for me. It was not a choice to shut myself off it was because I was paralysed with grief and even performing basic functions was a real struggle. I became overwhelmed by noise and spent hours on my computer playing stupid games or watching endless tv as a distraction from my over wrought and chaotic mind. I could not listen to music which I have always loved because the chords just jarred my peace. I was barely existing but still surviving. I did not spend every day sobbing my heart out sometimes I was too numb to feel anything, and I did not care about anything at all, even if I lived or died. depression and anxiety just sucked the soul out of me. when i badly broke my ankle last may it set me back a bit. I was totally dependent on family as I had 5 surgeries, numerous plaster casts etc etc. that has made going out even more difficult but strangely i now feel it was meant to be because it forced me to face what had happened and spend countless days thinking it all over and sorting things out in my head. being physically damaged actually helped me heal mentally, i could not just busy myself doing housework, food shopping and prep etc I had to face my demons head on. as time goes on it is expected that you will get over it but that is never the case. You learn to live a new normal but there is always that yearning to hold your child in your arms and kiss them and be with them. We do all move on to an extent because that is what we have to do even though our world stopped when we lost our children, but the trick is to to mourn fully and deeply and heal yourself over time so that you can face the world again as a changed person, battered and bruised but still here. That takes a long time and a lot of soul searching and its very painful but it will happen if you allow it.Healing does not mean you let go of your child ever, it means you continue to express your love for them forever you just try to live your life and make them proud that you have survived and have a purpose. the parents on this forum all understand your pain and emotions and anguish and we will be here to support you, you have come to a safe place.

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