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MamaDukes

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While my children were growing I always had some type of music playing in our home.  I’ve always enjoyed a wide range of music anything from hip hop, soul, jazz, to classical, rock, and country.  As a result my children have a love for music, and somewhat similar to mine, but with their own twist.  My son would mostly listen to hip hop and rap and would have music playing on several different levels of our home at the same time, which at times use to drive me crazy, even when he went in the shower he had music playing.  There were times I would be singing along with his music, then I’d catch myself and wonder how the heck do I even know this music, then shaking my head and laughing, thinking, “oh my goodness – what is this child doing to me”.

It’s funny how something that use to drive us crazy turns out to be the same thing we miss.  At times there’s a silence in my home now, and I miss the “noise”, and that’s one of the reasons I know he’s gone.  I often image him here, and what he’d be doing, and the conversations we’d be having.  He loved me, and valued my opinion, and we would often have conversations about our lives as well as what was going on in the world.  At times he would act like he had things all worked out, but he would always come to me for a second opinion.  We shared a lot, and I miss that, no matter how crazy or silly, they were moments where it was just me - his mom, and he was my baby boy.

A lot has changed, but we’re still creating memories, just in a different way.  He now has a court side seat, with no obstructions, and I know he’s always riding shotgun, today and always. 

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Same as my house used to be but now all my chicks have flown to jobs in other cities and attending university. For a very long time I craved silence with my thoughts instead of music which I love, but I can occasionally put some on and remember old times. When my kids come home they too play music in the shower, in their rooms in the car, just everywhere. My son and I shared the love of many bands together although I did not and still don't get the screamo type! Some music makes me sad because of memories but some makes me smile, some lyrics are so poignant others more hopeful. I need to make music a higher priority because it is healing and uplifting, it is just that as the life went out of my life I could not see the light  for the very longest time. Thankfully the light has slowly returned. i love your expression riding shotgun my kids always call shotgun on the front seat.

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TearsInHeaven

MamaDukes, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Please come and post on Loss of an Adult Child.  You will find many compassionate caring people on  this thread.  It is the most active. I can give you direction on getting to that one.

I also post on the Loss of the Adult Child thread.  I can give you some directions to get there.

Go to Loss of a Child--like you did here. Under Loss of a Child you will see the pinned thread Loss of an Adult Child. On the far right you will see the last person that posted and underneath you will see either an hour count or a date.  If you click on that time stamp it will take you to the last post.  This is the most current post and going back in pages  are older posts. Page one is actually back to 2005.  Hopefully this will help you navigate. 

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Since reading your post mamadukes I have made the effort to put music back in my life and realise how much I have missed it and what pleasure it has given me, thank you. There was so much mental chatter in my mind I had felt overwhelmed and needed solitude and peace and quiet. Now I have let music back in and it soothes and heals me. i hope the same happens to you, and you can think of the memories it invokes, listen to lyrics, and slowly begin to heal. You have already helped me who is so much further along on the grief journey than your recent loss, and I hope to be able to help you a little. keep in touch.

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MamaDukes,

Oh my heart aches with yours. My son had THE most annoying laugh on the planet.  He would laugh and laugh for a long time, and it used to get on my nerves. But now it's one of the things I miss the most. What I wouldn't do to be annoyed by that again!

My son played guitar, and loved it.  It became a part of him and something people remembered about him.  At his service, we put the guitar right next to him up front and played music of acoustic guitars that he loved.  He would fill the house with the sounds of tuning that guitar over and over before he started to play.  Now I get out his guitar and tune it, just to touch something he touched and hear the sounds that would satisfy his soul before playing.  It's been seven months, but it feels like just yesterday and yet a thousand years ago at the same time.

Music soothes me too, and sometimes I just turn it on because the silence just kills me.

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i miss my son's laughter too devianz. It was really loud and infectious and lit up his whole face. I try to think how ridiculous I look with tears all over my face, and how Tommy would laugh and hug me and tell me it was going to be ok and that helps me. just like yesterday and also a thousand years ago how true that is. Our children walk by our side forever we just can't see them at this time, and they will give us the strength to keep on going when we feel like giving up. Enjoy nathan's guitar, shut your eyes and imagine his fingers over yours making music together, what a powerful act of love.

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Lesley,

I am actually learning to play it now, with his guitar books and magazines and a good teacher. It brings me a little peace.

I do certainly feel like he's beside me when I am playing, giving me tips and laughing at my mistakes. I like the loud memories the best.

*hugs*

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That is awesome!! I am so pleased for you. Great progress and something to focus on and learn that is positive and meaningful. You can have quiet times when you reminisce and play gentle chords and others when you can strum loud vigorous chords to get rid of some of the internal anger at the unfairness of life. What a lovely bond you can have with your son joining your two worlds together with love and a common hobby. Hugs to you too.

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I'm so happy to hear you're learning to play, I'm sure he's right by you laughing away (that's what my son would have done). That's awesome!

Music is very healing for me, you can get lost in it, riding the waves high and low, but always comforted.  Devianz, I love your quote.

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Tommy's mum

Hi again mamadukes it has been a while but I know too well how time can be meaningless and sometimes its too painful to post because writing the words make it more real. Please join us on the thread loss of an adult child where there are more bereaved parents who could perhaps help you a little on the long grief journey. It is the most active thread and there are some very good people on it. I still have not got my love of music back i can listen occasionally but its not the same. I guess I am still a work in progress.

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Lesley,

I think we're all a work in progress. Maybe your love of music will come back to you in time, maybe it won't. Who's to say anymore in our worlds that have been forever changed. There is a restaurant we used to go to that Nathan just adored and we loved it too.  It was our special occasion place to eat, and we have gone back twice now and the food tastes just horrible. They haven't changed chefs or the menu, I just think the memories we made there are so much more special than the food ever was or maybe we just can't enjoy it without Nathan there to share it with. Who's to say how our minds cope with loss? Each one of us is different, each situation unique.

There are still songs I can't listen to, but there are a lot of songs and music that I really get lost in. Last week it was Allen Toussaint, Miles Davis and John Coltrane in my playlist. This week it's Assemblage 23 and VNV Nation... there is a huge chasm between the genres for sure.

There is a song by Assemblage23 that has resonated with me this week and the some of the lyrics are;

Quote

A font of strength is flowing like blood from open veins
A cache of courage to brace against the blinding pain
Each one of us fights battles no one else can see
Some days just waking up is an act of bravery

 

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TearsInHeaven

Devianz,  that is a powerful quote, I especially found a connection in the last two lines.  When the dark times fall that is what it takes--an act of bravery.  

MamaDukes, yes please join us on the Loss of an Adult Child. so many understanding and compassionate people.

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Mermaid Tears

Music is a universal language....and one can only 'wonder' where music came from....

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