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Rock Bottom Feeling - Does it Get Better


Francine

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My husband's transition date is quickly approaching (Feb 6) and lately I feel like I've hit 'rock bottom all over again.   All kinds of emotions are raging inside of me.  Some of the emotions have affected every part of my being - physically (some days my body aches from the inside out); emotionally (at times I feel completely numb, and other days I feel raw to the touch), intellectually (some days my memory is so bad, I fear I in the beginning stages of dementia); relationally (retreating and withdrawing is safe), and spiritually (some days I feel the absent of God).  

I thought I had a jump on things.  Thought if I could keep myself busy (started three activity-based programs), I wouldn't have time to reflect (so much) on my husband.  But I want to reflect on him, I never want to forget him and what we shared; the bond we formed and the love we had for one another.   But remembering brings me pain, and I don't want to pain - (guess I haven't yet gotten to the "remembering brings me joy" phase.)  If I don't make sense, forgive me and be patient, I'm still confused, bewildered, and struggling.  

I want to believe there's light after the darkness; there's sunshine after the rain; there's joy after the pain.  Is there?

 

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Francine, You make perfect sense. Be patient with yourself.  We are learning to cope with loss of our partners and it is suffocating at times. I still feel like a zombie wandering around aimlessly.

You mention fearing dementia. I wonder about that memory thing myself, but I know it is because my mind is not fully engaged. I went somewhere this morning and on the way back to the vehicle, got into a panic because I didn't have my keys clipped to my purse or in my pocket. There, they were, I forgot them in the vehicle. I haven't done that since the early 90's when I was in a rush one day and locked the keys inside.

Someday, we'll get to an easier place in this journey.

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Dear Francine,

It does get better, it really does. My husband's transition date is now almost 8 years ago, and it has changed. Do I still cry ... yes, of course, you never stop missing your partner, your children's father, your best friend. But it does get better, much better. As KMB said, be patient with yourself. I did think I might be suffering from dementia also, and maybe I really was. I had panic attacks too, even just going to the grocery store or the pharmacy or even when I was alone at home at night. But I promise you that it will be better. Just try to put one foot in front of the other and concentrate on what you still have, not on what you have lost. Most of us have so many things that remain in our lives to be grateful for ... friends, family, work, food on the table, our own health, our memories. So stay the course, it's not easy but you will get though this and come out the other side with gratitude for what you have and what you have had. Be strong and know that those of us who have travelled this path are holding your hand as you walk it.

 

 

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trawna---Thank you so much for your inspiring and encouraging words. I really don't know how people can survive this. But, somehow we keep going into the next day.

Sorry for your loss also. My prayers to you.

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I don't know if it gets better or not. But if people like kayC and trawna say that it gets better, we have to trust them. It will get better for us too.

Francine, I will urge you to have a full medical check up for your self. 

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claribassist13

Yes, Francine, it does get better. 

You are only 2 months in at this point. You are kind of hitting the point in time where the loss becomes really, really real for a lot of people. You start to come out of the denial of it all happening and it hits you like a ton of bricks. 
The period between 2-6 months was, in my opinion, the hardest (aside from major holidays after that and the year anniversary). I truly do believe it is because we face reality at this stage in our journey. Friends start leaving us, other symptoms of our grief begin to set in...

You still have a long journey ahead of you, but I can promise you that it gets better. I could have never believed that when I was in your shoes a year ago, but it's been a year for me now, and I can say that things are different. 
I don't think the hurt every truly goes away. I don't think it truly diminishes with time. I think we just become better at handling the pain; we grow to be able to live with it, not just simply survive with it. 

I went back to school 3 weeks after my fiance's death, thinking the same thing you did. I thought that if I could keep myself distracted that I would be alright. I ended up having a complete breakdown (of which I remember nothing about) and had to be escorted from one of my classes to the university's health services office. 
What I am trying to say is yes, make sure you have something to do, something to motivate you to get out of bed. However, don't overload yourself. Things like your memory and your sleep are only going to get worse for a while, so you need to make sure you have time to devote to taking care of yourself. 

It does get better, though. I promise. 

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15 hours ago, Francine said:

remembering brings me pain, and I don't want to pain

It is important to go straight through grief, experience it, feel it, deal with it, learn to live with it.  We can't dismiss it with busyness or avoidance, it's still there waiting to be dealt with.  If there was a way to circumvent it, I would have found it.  Try not to be afraid of it, it's okay to cry.  We don't need to dwell on it 24/7, it's okay to take it in doses, what we can handle, it's okay to take breaks from it, but it is important to do our grief work.  Are you seeing a Grief Counselor?  

It takes much more time to process grief than you've had, so no, you haven't reached the stage where memories bring you comfort instead of pain, that takes quite a while to get there.  I know that doesn't help you right now, but console yourself with knowing you will get through this and it won't stay the same, it is ever evolving.  Try to have something to look forward to, something to keep you busy, and some time alone to let yourself grieve...balance.

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Thank you all for your responses - they do bring comfort but right now I am hurting so much, I can't think straight.  So, please excuse me while I have my tsunami moment.  God Bless you all!

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Francine

I feel for you, this situation is so **** for us all, i hate it, bless you and cry your eyes out and ride the pain and know and feel how much your lovely husband loved you and how you loved him.

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KayC

Much thanks for the advise, and yes, I'm seeing a grief counselor as well as group counseling.  The group only meets once a month, while the individual counseling meets once a week.  I am satisfied with both, but wish the group sessions met more often.  I feel that progress is being made from both. 

I just can't say enough about this website and how uplifting and comforting I'm feeling at this very moment.   In a moment or two, I might be at rock bottom again, but I guess that's how it is.   God Bless you all!

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Meesh,

You're right.  We both loved each other and for 45 years wasn't afraid to tell  one another so.  I am comforted knowing that when he left this world, he knew I loved him and still do.  Thank you.

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18 hours ago, Francine said:

I just can't say enough about this website and how uplifting and comforting I'm feeling at this very moment.   In a moment or two, I might be at rock bottom again, but I guess that's how it is.

Yes, that is how this grief is.  We take it as it comes.  (((hugs)))

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