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Does there ever come a day where memories feel good?


CKYdad

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Right now, as weird as this sounds, I don't have a single memory of my wife that doesn't hurt so bad I cant stand it.

It seems like I am moving into a different stage of grief. Up until recently, the only memories that came to mind are of the hospital, the sickness, the pain, the death. I am having memories pop into my mind that should be happy, and they are happy memories, but they hurt so freaking bad.

 

Im sitting here at work, and all of a sudden a memory pops into my head. We went to Gatlinburg last summer, and stayed in a town house up in the mountains. We had come in for the night after being on the town all afternoon. My wife and I decided to run up to the little country store up the road for some snacks. We wandered around in the store together hand in hand looking at all the stuff for about 20 minutes before heading back to the town house with crappy chocolate ice cream and microwave pop corn.

I will never get to see her again in this lifetime.

I had to leave my desk and walk away for a while.

God this sucks.

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12 minutes ago, CKYdad said:

I will never get to see her again in this lifetime

This is whats hurts us all to the core. It definitely sucks and is so hard to accept. I too hope there will be a time when a smile will replace the tears. 

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His friends tell me how much they are upset because he was such a support to them and he was always there for everyone anytime. I feel good that he touched so many lives for good. But I don't feel upset because I lost my rock, my support, my future husband or who will be there for me now. I feel upset simply because I can't see him anymore. 

If he would never support me or care for me, or talk to me, or whatever.. I'd simply be happy if I could just see him. Once in a while. 

This truly sucks. 

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I feel sorry for all of us. We did not ask for this, but here we are. The good memories for me also, are still painful. I hope it evolves over time to cause me to smile. To smile, because I alone have these memories, no one can take them away.

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It's only been 5 months for me, but I have fond memories often. They are bittersweet because when they come, I am always reminded that the memory is all that's left and we will never make more. I try to stay away from the 'could have/should have' as it's not going to do any good. When a particular happy memory comes to mind from a photo, or a song, or a place, or whatever, I try to enjoy it and be grateful for having that experience with her without going too deep into the sadness. There were some very happy times, and that is what I want to remember. Of course it doesn't work every time, and when it doesn't, I don't ignore the pain or anger or sadness, or deny it and treat it like it doesn't exist. I try to recognize it but not let it take over. The world sucks and I'm angry, and there's no place to take it out. It wasn't an accident or a crime or anybody's fault, it was an un-diagnosed medical condition. Who is there to take it out on? Who deserves to be the target of my anger? Nobody. Not even me, even though I'd give anything to have our roles reversed so that it happened to me instead of her. 

Occasionally I let that anger have it's moment. To be non-destructive, I use a heavy bag. Just a few minutes at a time really helps let a lot of bad stuff out. We used to practice martial arts, different disciplines, so we both used a bag and rarely practiced together. Just thinking about it brings up memories. It's weird how the happiest memories can bring sadness, but sometimes the ones where we were at odds with each other make me smile, because that was us, too. I was taking a class with her once, Krav Maga, and we were doing this drill parrying jabs. Jab/parry, jab/parry, reset. Jab/parry, jab/parry, reset. She could be very competitive, So, that turned into jab/parry, jab/parry, rese-JAB!. Clocked me right in the mouth. No words were exchanged, no feelings too hurt. She got a bare-knuckle dirty punch in and I walked away from the drill. I'm sure it felt good for her, not so much for me. But now, I think back to that afternoon and it has me smiling - because that's who she was. A competitor at heart. She didn't mean to hurt me (she really didn't), she didn't mean to offend, she was just frustrated with me and with the drill and took a cheap shot to get some satisfaction. I fucking love that woman.

 

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My memories are both.  They make me happy and sad at the same time.  I love telling and listening to stories about my husband.  I cry often, but I laugh as well.  People have commented that the only time I light up is when talking about him.  

So I don't know if there will be a time that the memories don't bring pain, but I think there is a time that they bring happiness as well.

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claribassist13

I am over a year in now, and I can tell you that the memories don't hurt forever. 

Sure, there are some memories that hurt no matter what. However, I have found that as time passes that remembering him, thinking of all the memories I have, don't hurt as bad as they did 2 months in (where you currently are). Most days I am able to handle them with a little smile. Some memories make me smile, others make me thoughtful...

The hurt will never go away, but I would say that the pain is not as much pain as it is longing or just missing him. Things don't tear at my heart in the same way they use to. 

I enjoy it. I like being able to remember random things without feeling as though someone ripped my heart out of my chest. 

I promise that this will happen for you as well. Unfortunately, it just takes time. 

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22 hours ago, CKYdad said:

I don't have a single memory of my wife that doesn't hurt so bad I cant stand it.

In the beginning memories of him brought me immense pain, but at some point it changed and they began to bring me comfort.  Grief doesn't stay the same, it is ever evolving.  I wouldn't say I "hurt" now, but I do miss him...it's been 11 1/2 years for me so I know I've had way more time to process this and adjust to living alone.  I have learned to coexist with my grief, it's like it's always there, carried inside me, but I can also have moments of enjoyment or laughter...yet even then, the grief never entirely goes away...it's changed me.  That change isn't all bad though, I am a deeper more compassionate person through the journey I've been on, but it's like an innocence has been stolen from me, I will never be the same.  I will never again take life for granted, I realize that life can change at any moment without notice.  I've also learned to live in the present and fully appreciate the moment I'm in.

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On 2/2/2017 at 11:12 AM, Katie S said:

This is whats hurts us all to the core. It definitely sucks and is so hard to accept. I too hope there will be a time when a smile will replace the tears. 

It's been 6 months since I suddenly lost my husband. I know exactly how you feel. Every memory seems to just miss him more. I agree this just sucks. I miss doing all those stupid things with him. He loved watching shows about how things were made. I used to tell him it was filling my brain with useless knowledge. I would do anything to watch one of those shows with now. I found a voicemail after he died that he left me. I am so great full for that. I play it all the time. It's his voice telling me he loves me and he will talk to me later. I hope the time comes soon for all of us to remember our loved ones and it puts a smile on our face instead of tears on our face 

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Lost0404----I agree. The memories right now make me sad and miss him more. Yesterday, on tv, were the reruns of last years show, the mountain men. We watched those shows together last year. I'm having a bad weekend. My husband would not want me to keep feeling this way, but I don't know what to do except go with it.

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15 minutes ago, KMB said:

My husband would not want me to keep feeling this way, but I don't know what to do except go with it.

KMB,  

My partner would also not want me to be in so much pain, but I know he would be the first one to understand why. I'm sure its the same with your husband. I'm sorry you've had a bad weekend. Same for me. I think this is our new normal and I hate every second of it..  

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I hate this too. A whole chapter of our life is gone. I was given no say so about it. I am alone, afraid and don't want to do this, but I have no choice. I have just been taking one day at a time, the best I can do.

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On 2/2/2017 at 9:55 AM, CKYdad said:

I will never get to see her again in this lifetime.

I felt the same way thinking a "lifetime" seemed like an eternity.  I don't know exactly what a lifetime is; a week, month, year, remember tomorrow is not even promised.  I get it, no matter how long a lifetime is, it hurts us like hell now.  But in God's eye, it's simply a blink of an eye.  Know that this earth, this lifetime of pain, hurt, and suffering will pass away; but the next lifetime is forever and will never pass away.  1 Peter 2:11 states, "Friends, this world is not your home, so don't make yourselves cozy in it".

We're all merely passing through this lifetime but when our earthly pilgrimage is complete, we too will go home only to find Joy, Peace, and Love. And guess what, our loved ones will be awaiting our return.   That's gonna be awesome.     Keep strong and I pray you find inner peace. 

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14 minutes ago, Francine said:

I felt the same way thinking a "lifetime" seemed like an eternity.  I don't know exactly what a lifetime is; a week, month, year, remember tomorrow is not even promised.  I get it, no matter how long a lifetime is, it hurts us like hell now.  But in God's eye, it's simply a blink of an eye.  Know that this earth, this lifetime of pain, hurt, and suffering will pass away; but the next lifetime is forever and will never pass away.  1 Peter 2:11 states, "Friends, this world is not your home, so don't make yourselves cozy in it".

We're all merely passing through this lifetime but when our earthly pilgrimage is complete, we too will go home only to find Joy, Peace, and Love. And guess what, our loved ones will be awaiting our return.   That's gonna be awesome.     Keep strong and I pray you find inner peace. 

Hello Francine

You are very knowledgeable about the Bible.  What does the Bible say about eternal life for any that have committed Sin?  There must be instances where this arises?

Warm regards

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Zara19:

Believe me, I'm no expert; I'm still learning and loving every lesson.  

We've all sinned and made mistakes in our lives, but the scriptures below gives me comfort in knowing we serve a Awesome God who is quick to forgive.  They have always given me some comfort in just knowing how good the Creator is.     

  1. In Psalm 103:10-13 it states, "He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.  For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for  those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgression from us.  As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him. 
  2. In Isaiah 43:25 it states, ""I--even I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more".

 

When I need assurance that life is everlasting, I read the following scriptures,   .

  1. John 3:16 states, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" and
  2. John11:25-26 states, "I am the resurrection and the life.  He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never ever die. Do you believe this?

Know that God loves us unconditionally.  Whenever we feel lonely or alone, God's presence is always within us. He is protecting and guiding us in safe and successful ways and he only wants the best for us; after all, he is our father and what father does not want the best for their children.  

Forgive me, I can sometimes get long-winded when it comes this subject (as you can well see :D)  For me, my God is getting me through this horrific situation.   I, sometimes, am very low and heartbroken, but I find strength in knowing that his strength is my comfort and salvation.

God Bless and keep you safe.

 

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I honestly don't think so. I lost him 6 years ago and there has not been a memory retold or replayed in my head that made me feel good. Never. Not once. My hair stands on end when people say u remember that time he.....I want to run. I hate it so much actually, I have no relationship with my in-laws anymore and we were always close. I just can't speak on him if its not on my terms. N I know its selfish and unfair bc people love me but I just can't. Sit around and laugh with you when I'm crying inside to end up going home and cry some more. I can't do parties for him, I can't hang pictures. It just doesn't do anything but make me mad, gives me anxiety and its hard to explain. It never feels good, at least not for me. 

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Kistylisty,

I feel you.  I haven't done gatherings but, we would always give a big family picnic/Bar-B-Q each year where we would invite our entire family (on both sides), friends, and neighbors.  We have a large yard and would play all kinds of games, (cards, volleyball, charades, etc) we'd even have one of those big slides for the kids, a spread of all kinds of delicious food and everyone would always say how great of a time they had.  We looked forward to it each year.  This year, my son wants to continue the tradition, but I don't  I  think those *happy* times are behind me now. Like you I don't think, no I know, I won't be able to put on a smile when inside, I would be dying. Aside from that, our 'so called' friends and neighbors have not reached out since Charles' services.   I felt angry in the beginning, not anymore; maybe stunned.  

Right now, I'm merely existing; I don't know what I'm doing or what I'm suppose to do.  I'm just empty inside, not looking forward to anything anymore.  There was a time when I did, but now that my Charles is no longer here, in my mind, there's nothing left.  

I'm a strong believer in prayer and while I don't know what God's plan for me is, I have to trust his wisdom - that's all I can do.  

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On 3/24/2017 at 1:29 AM, Kistylisty said:

 

I honestly don't think so. I lost him 6 years ago and there has not been a memory retold or replayed in my head that made me feel good. Never. Not once.

 

Kistylisty,

Have you fully dealt with your grief?  Most of the people here aren't that far out and they haven't yet reached the point where you can think of them and smile or have it bring you comfort, but usually people who have been on their grief journey do experience that change eventually.

Have you seen a grief counselor for extended time?  It does help to work on your grief, if we don't put in the work, time alone does nothing to help us through it.

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