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Girlfriend died at age 22. Totally devastated.


fzald

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hey fzald, I am feeling similarly in that I cannot think of myself in doing something "for her." It's just a reminder that she is gone forever. I think it would be nice to try to be a 'good' person someday because of what I learned from her, but at this point it's too depressing to think about.
I saved the pictures I have of her on a usb drive. I don't typically look at those. other than the time i had to resize the photos. all they do is bring me pain.
You say denial is your coping method, maybe you need it, but maybe it does cause more pain. I don't know. For me, looking at all those memories would anger and sadden me right now. Perhaps it'd take some time to finally be able to do that, but even then I don't really know if I can.
I don't really need reminders though (some items do trigger me temporarily) because I just know she's gone permanently.
Maybe don't look at the videos for some time.
I try to find a sign of her though. Just a sign that she's somewhere.. happy. The auto lighting turned on twice when I was far from the bathroom but again the lighting and heating is messed up anyway. Who knows. I just want something.

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Numb and Lost

I would like to make his grave look better than it did when I saw it. It just looked sad, no head stone yet, or even flowers. But then I think well it's not like he knows how it looks or will know if I put anything there. I'm scared someone would see me there. I go for a bit not looking at pictures and then I look at them and just break down uncontrollably. 

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Numb and Lost,

Maybe you could put some flowers on his grave.  Maybe he would know.  I wouldn't worry about anyone seeing you, if there's nothing there, probably no one is going there.  A lot of people don't visit graves.  I've heard it often takes a long time to get the headstone up.

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

Numb and Lost,

Maybe you could put some flowers on his grave.  Maybe he would know.  I wouldn't worry about anyone seeing you, if there's nothing there, probably no one is going there.  A lot of people don't visit graves.  I've heard it often takes a long time to get the headstone up.

I wish I could just go sit there. I mean I know he isn't there but I just want to. I was doing a little better this morning but somehow turned into a basket case by afternoon. I was reading something one of his friend's posted about him and I just start thinking about it all. I just think about him standing in front of me and I think about how I won't ever see him standing in front of me again and I just can't take it. It just hurts so bad sometimes I honestly don't want to live anymore. I know I have to, but I just can't stand it. 

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Numb,

Is there any reason you can't go to the gravesite? Even though we know they're not there, sometimes just the symbolic knowledge that we are close to their physical body can be strangely comforting and also a good way to release some emotions. 

I was not there when my girl was actually buried in the ground. My family and I went to the cemetery but oddly we couldn't find any recently turned over graves or even any markers. So I am weirded out because I don't know where she is buried. Trust me, the thoughts that went through my head... you can probably guess. I am not sure how I can find out where she ended up being laid to rest...

I went out for a bit today just to walk around. It felt a tiny bit better until I came across a place we used to go and it all came crashing down again. I am back home now and I am sad all over again. I still can't find any true respite or relief from the pain. The only single wish I have is that she was still here.

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4 minutes ago, fzald said:

Numb,

Is there any reason you can't go to the gravesite? Even though we know they're not there, sometimes just the symbolic knowledge that we are close to their physical body can be strangely comforting and also a good way to release some emotions. 

I was not there when my girl was actually buried in the ground. My family and I went to the cemetery but oddly we couldn't find any recently turned over graves or even any markers. So I am weirded out because I don't know where she is buried. Trust me, the thoughts that went through my head... you can probably guess. I am not sure how I can find out where she ended up being laid to rest...

I went out for a bit today just to walk around. It felt a tiny bit better until I came across a place we used to go and it all came crashing down again. I am back home now and I am sad all over again. I still can't find any true respite or relief from the pain. The only single wish I have is that she was still here.

The grave is at a small country church close to where he lived. His family lives close to it too. I guess I'm just scared his wife or someone in his family might see me there and put it together. Or even someone might see me that knows my husband and then him wonder who's grave I'm visiting. I'm just paranoid. He asked me to see him the last day I ever talked to him and I was scared that day. I wanted to wait until the next day when we had time to go out of town. I of course never got to see him again. It's strange now he's gone and I'm still paranoid about "going to see him." He wanted me to wear a certain dress when I came to see him. I thought about wearing it if I go visit his grave. All those memories just hurt so much. I just can't take it. 

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Fzald,

There is usually an office at the cemetery where arrangements are made.  If you go there with her full name they should be able to tell you how to find the site.  I had to do it because we had a "false" burial.  It's a common practice when there has been recent rain to prevent injuries to those attending.

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Numb and Lost,

Do you know anyone else who is resting there?  You could say you were there to visit them.

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Fzald, maybe you could contact the cemetery upkeepers? They should keep a map marking to whom each plot belongs. It took me a while to find his. I was out there at night with a flashlight and there was only an orange flag to mark it and a little paper thing with his picture from the funeral home. 

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I don't know what to do with myself right now other than come to this forum. I just keep looking at his Facebook and his picture and I can't stop. It hurts so I just came here instead. I'm waiting on my xanax to kick in. I don't know how I do ok for a bit then do so horrible. I'm trying not to think about the future and take it one day at a time but it's hard because I can NOT live for years and years with this pain. I don't think it will ever let up. I just want to talk to him. 

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I feel like there is too much time. As compared to before, when she was alive, I felt time went too fast and I didn't have enough time. I was into doing so many things, even things that didn't include her.

I now have no interest in anything, I sit in the evening and just feel sad and sometimes cry but more often just feel the pain. I wish days were shorter, I wish time would fly now, rather than before when I was with her. 

I was with her since 2011. It's now 2017. I think about the fact that once I reach a point where she will have been gone longer than she was in my life, it will be the year 2023. I don't know if I want to live that long.

Ive said it before. I used to wish for a very long life, dying young was even a mild fear of mine. It wasn't for her though, and she did die very young. Now I wish for a shorter life, and don't fear dying young at all. We all gotta go someday. I wish she could have stayed a full lifetime, but if she couldn't, then why must I?

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That is how I am feeling as well. There is a lot of time I don't know what to do with. I'm trying to distract myself with school. It's rather mediocre but I can't allow myself to think about the past. If I go for a walk I'd prefer it if there weren't many people around. If I felt like I crying I'd take my glasses. I just need a feeling of privacy with all of this.
It feels like it's been decades. At the same time, it feels like she just passed yesterday. I don't understand how to feel and think. It is all very complicated and I'm just wondering what I should be doing.
I hope she's out there somewhere, anywhere. All I wanted was complete happiness for her. I'll never know the answer and that is what continually bothers me.

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4 hours ago, Herc said:

Numb and Lost,

Do you know anyone else who is resting there?  You could say you were there to visit them.

I don't think I do. I thought maybe I could wear a hat. I just figure if someone saw a younger woman there they would figure it out. It's a small cemetery. 

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That's what I was thinking, you could cover your head with hat/scarf, sunglasses.  I do understand your concern, but I think I'd try it.  You could always tell people he was a friend from before marriage.

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Well, it's another day, another morning of agony.

i actually did not dream of her last night. But I don't know if I call this a relief or not. It still hurts just as much to wake up.

I feel like I'm slipping. The moments during which I feel level, somewhat ok, are falling away. I feel like I spend more time now just being sad, remembering her and missing her so terribly I can barely breathe. I suppose the times I felt better before were just distractions, denial maybe, but not truly moving forward.

I still do sometimes imagine she isn't gone, but I try to not bask in it and instead actively remind myself that it's not helpful to do that. I still can even think of exactly the words she would say if she texted me. I think of how it's only been 5 weeks since she passed away, 5 short weeks. How will I make it another 5 weeks?? Even another day feels impossible now. For a while I felt like I could maybe make it. But now it feels hopeless. 

Every little thing reminds me of her. It's gotten to where simple little things remind me of her. Trivial things like the water fountain we used in the hall. The bench we sometimes sat on outside when it was nice out. 

I miss her so so so much. I'm trying to feel like she's maybe still with me in spirit but it's not helpful at all now. I just want her back in this life like she belongs. Nothing has brought me any comfort lately. 

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Hello again Numb and Lost.

It's such a shame you are having another period where you are experiencing huge amounts of distress.  It's a wonder you are holding up at all.  At the moment you are carrying the hell and torture within your battered soul whilst trying to maintain your normal existence.  You have your children, your husband, your home, family and friends and your way of life intact.  Your 'external' everyday life appears to everyone else to be just the way it was.  Please don't be annoyed by what I am trying to say next, and God forbid it should ever happen but if the worst should happen and your husband ceased to be unexpectedly, your life would be utter devastation and carnage with any future bleak, lonely and frightening.  Your shared history would be no more, your shared history is entwined within your children as well, your life would be affected in ways you never thought possible for ever and in the worst possible way.  Your life as you knew it will be over.  I know you will have thought many times about this but as we know tragedy strikes without warning taking away everything that is safe and that, human nature being what it is taken for granted.  It's so important you grieve for this man, you can't be denied this but please reflect on the very possible "what if ....." whilst you still have the luxury of your present life situation.  I hope you don't mind me saying this Numb and Lost.  Take care.

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Here's something kind of strange that I remembered.

My girlfriend had her set of fears, but one of them that stood out was balloons. She couldn't even remember exactly why, but she was terrified of the idea of a balloon popping. Even that noise that people make when they're handling an inflated balloon made her cringe.

I just realized the irony, the fact that in a way, she died because of a burst balloon. An aneurysm basically is a "balloon" forming on a blood vessel wall, and when it pops open and the blood escapes, you have your hemorrhage. 

Maybe her fear wasn't as crazy as I used to think it was. 

Kind of funny and sad all at the same time. Just a random thought I had.

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17 minutes ago, Zara19 said:

Hello again Numb and Lost.

It's such a shame you are having another period where you are experiencing huge amounts of distress.  It's a wonder you are holding up at all.  At the moment you are carrying the hell and torture within your battered soul whilst trying to maintain your normal existence.  You have your children, your husband, your home, family and friends and your way of life intact.  Your 'external' everyday life appears to everyone else to be just the way it was.  Please don't be annoyed by what I am trying to say next, and God forbid it should ever happen but if the worst should happen and your husband ceased to be unexpectedly, your life would be utter devastation and carnage with any future bleak, lonely and frightening.  Your shared history would be no more, your shared history is entwined within your children as well, your life would be affected in ways you never thought possible for ever and in the worst possible way.  Your life as you knew it will be over.  I know you will have thought many times about this but as we know tragedy strikes without warning taking away everything that is safe and that, human nature being what it is taken for granted.  It's so important you grieve for this man, you can't be denied this but please reflect on the very possible "what if ....." whilst you still have the luxury of your present life situation.  I hope you don't mind me saying this Numb and Lost.  Take care.

No I don't mind you saying it at all. I do feel guilty for feeling so hopeless knowing I still have my children, and even my husband even though he has been awful at some points in my life. I've had terrible terrible thoughts at times wishing it would have been my husband instead of him. I hate even saying that because it's a terrible thing to say but I guess it's a normal thought that pops into anyone's head in a situation such as this. My life with my husband is frightening sometimes anyway. I never know when he might relapse and when he does it's pure hell. So even when things are good and he is sober I worry about it because I never know when he might screw up again. My friends basically tell me how stupid I am for staying. But the way I see it whether I leave him or stay I won't be truly happy either way, and he is still the father of my children and if I left him he would get on drugs big time more than ever and then their lives would be ruined and I would be worse off and more depressed than I am.  But at least this way he is working on it and is straight most of the time which will hopefully lead to being sober with no set backs ever. But you can see how I feel like I'm just not really meant to have happiness. I would never love anyone like I did him and he died so I'm just here to live it all out until I die. I just won't ever feel like that again happy the way knowing him made me feel. I'm just here until I die, and hopefully my kids will have good lives. 

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2 hours ago, fzald said:

Well, it's another day, another morning of agony.

i actually did not dream of her last night. But I don't know if I call this a relief or not. It still hurts just as much to wake up.

I feel like I'm slipping. The moments during which I feel level, somewhat ok, are falling away. I feel like I spend more time now just being sad, remembering her and missing her so terribly I can barely breathe. I suppose the times I felt better before were just distractions, denial maybe, but not truly moving forward.

I still do sometimes imagine she isn't gone, but I try to not bask in it and instead actively remind myself that it's not helpful to do that. I still can even think of exactly the words she would say if she texted me. I think of how it's only been 5 weeks since she passed away, 5 short weeks. How will I make it another 5 weeks?? Even another day feels impossible now. For a while I felt like I could maybe make it. But now it feels hopeless. 

Every little thing reminds me of her. It's gotten to where simple little things remind me of her. Trivial things like the water fountain we used in the hall. The bench we sometimes sat on outside when it was nice out. 

I miss her so so so much. I'm trying to feel like she's maybe still with me in spirit but it's not helpful at all now. I just want her back in this life like she belongs. Nothing has brought me any comfort lately. 

I've slept all day. I just don't want to be awake. Every day I feel like I'm just waiting for it to all be over and I feel so guilty for that. 

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I find myself so humbled by one simple fact. In almost every case when someone passes away, especially young people, and especially suddenly, there is a group of people who will mourn and grieve that death. Many of those people probably feel exactly as we do. Lost, hopeless, sad, full of agony, not seeing any hope or reason to live.

But the rest of us, who have not experienced such a loss, live our lives obliviously ignorant to the immense pain and suffering. Even around us, those people who were not very close to the one who was lost will still go on oblivious to the pain. And similarly, until we experienced the loss ourselves, we also were oblivious to the pain. I can bet that most of us, at some point in our lives, heard of someone dying, even dying young. We all heard someone else tell their agonizing story of losing someone close to them so tragically. Maybe it was a parent who lost their child, maybe a person who lost a partner, maybe just someone who lost a close friend. But I'll bet that most of us, before our own loss, genuinely did feel bad for the person but at the same time we did not let it emotionally affect us. We offered our sympathy and comforting words then we went on with our lives. This doesn't make anyone bad, but many of us also probably took a moment to count our own blessings, realizing how lucky we were not to have suffered a loss of that magnitude.

How humbling to know just how much pain those others were going through, and the rest of us were simply unable to truly comprehend it simply because we hadn't experienced it. How humbling to know that, when someone else lost someone and a month or two had passed, many of us probably had filed that knowledge in our long-term memory and were going on with our lives as if nothing was truly different. Because, truthfully, for us, nothing was different. Unless we were also particularly close to the one who died, we were not directly, emotionally affected at such a profound level by that loss. It's impossible to truly explain the pain we feel in the midst of losing someone so close to us.

Even trying to help other people understand that pain can be scary for the others. There is not a single person who is in a happy, healthy, loving relationship with someone they consider their soulmate who would wish for that person to die. Even when the person you love is terminally ill and suffering greatly, you still don't want them to die. The fact is, death is scary. I do believe that there is more after death, but I can't confirm that any more than anyone else can. The people who have experienced near-death experiences may have a little more room to speak, but even then, we don't know for sure what happens when we die, other than the medical and physiological stuff. We do know that our presence, our personality leaves this world, never to return. We do know that the body shuts down and eventually the body will return to the Earth. But we don't know what happens to us, to our spirits, our souls, whatever term you like to use. This is scary. It's scary even if you've never lost someone to death. So trying to help people understand the agony forces those people to think about something that is very scary, and so people will often tend to reject it. 

I'm now about 6 weeks into the death of my beloved girlfriend. It is true, after a month or so goes by, the rest of the world moves on, while your agony only increases. Last week and this week have been complete torture. People are starting to get "sick" of hearing about it. It's not that people are asking me to shut up and not talk about her, but it's that people are reaching the point where they realize nothing they can say or do will truly make it better, and this makes people uncomfortable. People at work ask me how i'm holding up; if I say "I'm fine" they just go on with their day, but even if I say "I'm honestly having a tough time today" they'll throw out a one-line platitude and still go on with their day. There isn't really anybody around here who can truly understand the absolute depth of despair one faces when dealing with the death of a life partner. 

My thoughts have been more philosophical lately. My career and my trade is technology, so I spend a lot of time thinking logically and intellectually about everything, but lately I have been faltering in that area, and the more "emotional" thoughts in my head are taking center stage. I think intellectually at work because i have to, but that is also something I used to share with my girl, she was also very intellectual and so we spent hours talking about things that made no sense to most of the world around us, but we loved it. I miss that so much.

I hope everyone is having the best day they can, and I know that for many, including me, that might be the worst day they've had. It's a truth like I said that only we will ever truly understand - how hard it is to truly accept this loss. I know I will never, ever forget her. I know that she will be a part of me forever. But I also know that it's only been 6 weeks, and it's still too recent for it to be a happy part of my past, it's still a painful, excruciating part of my recent present...

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Numb and Lost
3 hours ago, fzald said:

Here's something kind of strange that I remembered.

My girlfriend had her set of fears, but one of them that stood out was balloons. She couldn't even remember exactly why, but she was terrified of the idea of a balloon popping. Even that noise that people make when they're handling an inflated balloon made her cringe.

I just realized the irony, the fact that in a way, she died because of a burst balloon. An aneurysm basically is a "balloon" forming on a blood vessel wall, and when it pops open and the blood escapes, you have your hemorrhage. 

Maybe her fear wasn't as crazy as I used to think it was. 

Kind of funny and sad all at the same time. Just a random thought I had.

Kind of like me telling him "please don't die on that thing" he laughed and said "what?" He also liked a picture on Facebook just a few days before he died that said "I don't ride my bike to add days to my life. I ride it to add life to my days" 

its crazy how every little thing that was ever said comes back to mind isn't it?

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

That's what I was thinking, you could cover your head with hat/scarf, sunglasses.  I do understand your concern, but I think I'd try it.  You could always tell people he was a friend from before marriage.

Yeah I even thought about going when it is raining. I doubt anyone would stop to investigate in the rain. We were going to see each other when it rained anyway :,(

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Numb and Lost

The hardest thing is that every day he is gone the further away from him I feel. The more unsure I am about whether I mattered or not. If I could call him right now those feelings would go away but of course I can not. I see all his mother's posts and the hundreds of comments under them from people stating how wonderful and loving he was, how handsome he was and yet I can't comment a thing and no one knows I'm even here or how much I hurt. Every single moment is just so hard and so sad and pointless. 

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Numb,

I do know that feeling. The more time passes, the further away things feel. For the longest time, it felt like the last time I spoke to her was literally "yesterday". Now, it's starting to feel more like "last week". It's always still far less time than it's actually been, to be exact, the last time we actually spoke to each other was 7 weeks ago. But I still feel like it's been way less time than that.

But at the same time the time I have had since she passed has felt like years and years. She has only been out of this world for 6 weeks now. I actually am kind of a math nut sometimes, I guess that comes with studying computers and such, but I calculated that it's been less than 1,000 hours since she passed away. To put that in context, one year is 8,760 hours (or 8,784 for leap years). 

Time has a strange way of distorting and stretching and compressing itself in weird ways when you're grieving. Memories are so strong and bright, it feels like less than a week ago that her and I walked the halls of our office together, talking, laughing, smiling. And yet, I now walk these halls myself, alone, quiet, somberly, sadly. People know why I am hurting. People ask me how I am. People ask if there's anything they can do for me. But the truth is, I am not ok, and there is nothing anyone can do for me to truly make it better.

It has to be excruciatingly hard for you though, knowing that you can't share what you had with anyone. Do you have any trusted friends at all, anyone who you could tell your story to? Sometimes even one person in person can help a little. I still stand by what I've told you, that I don't judge you for any choices you or he made, you were following your heart even if it's against society's better judgement. You will sadly never know exactly how things would have worked out, just like how I'll never get to know how my life with my girlfriend would have turned out. It's one of the hardest truths, that we will never get to hear the end of our stories, at least not the end we were anticipating and hoping for. I'll never know if she and I would have married, had kids, where we would have lived, what jobs we would ultimately have had, where we would have traveled, what our future together would have been like. All of the dreams, hopes, wishes, all gone in the space of a day, the fateful day she passed away, leaving me behind in this world. You'll never get to know what would have ever happened between you and your guy. That truly is one of the hardest parts of all - never knowing.

Keep posting, we're here for you, I'm here for you. 

 

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I do know what you mean, the slipping away feeling, almost like you see space and they're going further and further away into it, out of your reach.  I guess a miss is as good as a mile, away is away no matter how far or near it is, but it feels worse somehow imagining them further away rather than nearer.  But then I remember, they aren't physical anymore, so while some things have changed for them, they also don't have the physical limitations.  They can be as near as a thought, a memory, a wish.  They can be a breath away.

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KayC,

I really do hope you're right, that our beloveds continue to exist, that their personalities and minds and memories are intact, and that someday we will be able to share again with them. 

Every day gets a little worse. I actually had to get up early for work today, something I've been able to avoid mostly until now. I did get a good 8 hours of sleep, but I don't feel good at all today. I feel lethargic, slow, I feel awful. I have a twist in the pit of my stomach that won't go away. I try to indulge myself in my work for a while, and it's like trying to get a toddler to focus. My thoughts continue to drift back to her, to her absence, to her loss, over and over. 

Not doing well, again. I wish I could be doing better. I really do. 

47 days since I hugged her, kissed her, heard her lovely voice telling me she loves me. 47 hours, 47 days, 47 years, 47 centuries, it's all the same. There's no relief in sight. Everyone of courser will tell me it'll get better, and I want to believe it, but right now, I just can't see it. All I see is darkness. All I feel is pain. I sense my friends are starting to get annoyed with not being able to bring back even a little bit of my cheerful, happy attitude, one of the things my friends liked about me. Also one of the things everyone loved about her. Whoever said that it's like when they died, a part of us went with them..that's how I feel. Part of me "died" along with her, and went with her to where she is now, wherever that is. 

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Numb and Lost

Thank you Fzald. I have a few friends I've told but they aren't really helpful anymore. They don't want to hear it, and they don't understand. It is definitely crazy how 2.5 months ago seems like 5 minutes ago and 1000 years ago at the same time. 

KayC I try to keep telling myself every time I get upset that he continues on and is happy and at peace, that maybe he still knows what's going on here and that he knows exactly what he meant to me even if I didn't say it. 

It seems like no matter what I do even if I lay down at night with a little peace I wake up again with tears and I have to do it all again. It is still just so hard to believe and accept this really happened. I just don't feel like he can be gone. In my head I'm constantly saying "but he was just here." I just really didn't think something I feared and dreamed would come true like that. I look at everything with an entire different perspective now. I look at it as if this world just doesn't matter. I just dream of a day when I will see him again and it's all okay. But it hurts because we will never know 100% where someone made it to and how feelings will feel to us until we get there. I do believe he is in heaven but I want to know it. Dreaming of a day I can talk to him face to face is all that pushes me through. I just wonder if when I see him he will already understand how much he means to me and how devastated I am now that he's gone. I wonder if understanding is heightened for those in heaven without explanation and words, even now for the ones already there. 

I am so torn about looking ar pictures and things. Looking at his family's fb gets me really upset. Mostly because I see all the comments and I can't comment anything and no one knows I even mattered to him or exsisted in his life. But if I don't look he feels further away and I feel like I'm letting go of him. I can't even explain it. People say you have to let go but I don't want to. I don't want him to feel far away. 

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You don't have to let go.

But at the same time we have to try hard not to get stuck living in a dream that isn't real.

Its funny to me that at one time, in the not too distant past, having a picture of someone required a skilled artist to create it for you. Having a recording of someone was impossible, having a video was impossible. At one time in the past, the only things you would have to cling to when someone passed on were maybe handwritten notes, possessions, and if you were lucky, a painting or grainy photograph.

Technology has given us some wonderful things. Almost everyone carries in their pocket a device capable of taking life-like photographs, recording voices with great clarity, and yes, recording videos with amazing realism. 

Facebook and other social platforms have also given us a way to share these things.

Today, in a weird way, our dearly departed "live on" in more ways than they ever have. We are able to watch a video of our beloved and it's almost as if they are still here. We see their face, hear their voice. It's almost, ALMOST like having them back for a brief moment.

Ive found it really hard to look at photos of videos of her, probably for this reason. It seems to enable my denial. Look, there's a video of her. Hear her talking? And look, this video was made only 3 months ago! You see? She can't be dead, I CAN SEE AND HEAR HER!

I feel more and more like nothing matters. I used to like to collect things. I was a pack rat. I enjoyed having nice things and loved going to thrift stores to look for good deals. Now, it feels pointless. We can't take any of it with us. One day I will die and follow my love to the next world, and everything I own here will be left behind, sold or auctioned or given away. That has already happened to her, and it will happen to me too. What's the point???

I hate this existence. I hate this life. I don't see any point in anything. Even the stuff I own, I liked sharing it with her. I have nobody to share this life with now. What's the point?

I truly believe the meaning of life is to love and be loved. The thing that brings us the most happiness, the most purpose, is when we fall in love and receive love in return. When we connect with another human being on a level far deeper than even friendship. That's the most beautiful thing in the world. But now with it gone, with her gone, the meaning of life for me has ended. I still wonder why I am still here, why I can't just go on with her. It would be different, an immensely different experience, but it would include her. That's all I want, to be with her again.

How weird, I had her less than 2 months ago, she was alive and happy, she was in my life, she gave me love and I gave her love, and we made this life worth living. She's gone. She took a lot of me with her to the other side. I am no longer a complete person. In a flash she left me alone in the world with no purpose and no happiness. How does anyone do it....

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Numb and Lost

I used to enjoy nice things too. I used to find interest in shopping, buying cute clothes and shoes. Now I don't care. There isn't any point. I had to travel today and I cried an hour straight in my car. But the biggest pain of all is not knowing exactly what I meant to him, and now I'll never know. I have been sitting in my car trying to fix my face before I go into a meeting because it is all messed up from crying. My chapstick even makes me sad. I know it sounds silly but I bought this blueberry kind that tastes good so my lips would taste good when he kissed me. Well he will never get to. 

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It really is the little things, isn't it? I find the "further" away I get from her death, the more the little things creep in and start hurting. At first it was big crashing waves, like oh god, I'll never be able to do these things with her that we wanted to. The first weekend it was the fact that she wasn't coming back to see me like she said she was going to. But now there's been almost 7 weeks of distance since that time. I still hurt for our lost future every day, but the silliest little things are starting to hurt unbelievably much. It's making it harder. 

Like you Numb, I had gotten a new chapstick that she liked, so I would put it on sometimes just because we were going to kiss. Even if I just put it on because I had, you know, chapped lips, she could smell it sometimes and still liked it. 

I found a bag of chips that I remember buying the last time I had gone to the nearby gas station to get a snack for us at work. I never opened them. A freaking bag of chips made me cry, because it was something I had bought and brought to the office the very last day I saw her alive.

The big waves are still there. I'm still trying to ride them and falling. But now the little turbulences are also starting. The little things that I miss so deeply, so profoundly, but yet which are so inconsequential in the world itself. It's amazing how meaning comes from nothing in the face of grief. But even when she was alive, I valued every one of these little moments. Just not quite as profoundly and certainly not painfully. It had become part of my routine. We go to work, we have lunch, we work more, and at the end of the day, we make evening plans. Sometimes we stayed at work and watched a movie like I've said. Sometimes we went to one of our houses. Sometimes we went out to eat, to a movie, went shopping, everyday things. Things that seem mundane, but I would seriously give anything even to be able to walk down the block with her again. 

Every day people in the world wake up, go to work, go to the store, go to church, go to the movies, go to restaurants, whatever. We live our lives. But only those of us who have lost a soulmate truly understand the depth of meaning even these simple little experiences can gain from having that relationship. It doesn't sound like something that should make you sad. Going grocery shopping? That's a regular everyday "chore" that we all do. But I find myself sad every time I go to the store. Seeing foods she liked, remembering the times I brought her groceries when she was ill, remembering how even grocery shopping with her became fun because we would be having our endless talks the whole time. 

I still replay our last moments. The last day I saw her, the last conversation we had. Her "I'll see you next week" echoes in my head like a ghostly apparition, a haunting refrain. The last moments of a love so well lived and experienced. The last words she spoke in person to me. When I was oblivious to what was about to happen. When I looked forward to seeing her again. When my life still made sense.

She truly was one-of-a-kind. She truly made the world a better place. The world is much worse off without her in it. And yet, the world moves on.

Except for me. I don't know how to move on, or move forward, or whatever term you want to use. I am stuck. You can tell me things like "it's only been 7 weeks", but I don't feel like I'll be doing any better at 70 weeks. It's just an unbearable way to live. Every single everyday experience is dull and lifeless and meaningless, and everything reminds me of her. I don't know how anyone goes on.

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Numb and Lost

He was definitely one of kind too. There will never be another him. He had it all the personality, the looks, it's so unfair for him to be gone. He had so much to offer. I understand the bag of chips I would be the same way. We used to meet at this place a lot but it's been a few years since we met there. One day I picked up a lighter on the ground and I said "need a lighter" and he said "nope what for I don't smoke" (which I loved bc my husband smokes and I don't) I have wanted to go see if I can find that lighter just because we both saw it and talked about it (which probably seems crazy) I highly doubt it's still laying there on the ground though seeing as to how that was a few years ago!

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Numb and Lost

I don't want to be here. If it wasn't for my kids I would beg God to take me now. My life is officially even worse because my husband is a jackass that makes me miserable. I evidently was meant to live a sorrowful life. 

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Numb and Lost,

I don't believe any of us were meant to live sorrowful lives, despite the fact that we have great sorrow in them.  The sorrow will make us wiser.  The love that generated the sorrow has already made us more compassionate.  The struggles we deal with in the future will be small in comparison to what we are now enduring.

I know how painful this is, and I completely understand your feelings.  Pushing through the horrible moments of loss feels unbearable at times.  If we give it enough time though, eventually the blessings will find us again.  Wishing you understanding and solace,

Herc

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Numb and Lost
27 minutes ago, Herc said:

Numb and Lost,

I don't believe any of us were meant to live sorrowful lives, despite the fact that we have great sorrow in them.  The sorrow will make us wiser.  The love that generated the sorrow has already made us more compassionate.  The struggles we deal with in the future will be small in comparison to what we are now enduring.

I know how painful this is, and I completely understand your feelings.  Pushing through the horrible moments of loss feels unbearable at times.  If we give it enough time though, eventually the blessings will find us again.  Wishing you understanding and solace,

Herc

Thank you. I just feel so hopeless right now. I just don't think I can ever be happy. I didn't think I could be happy anyway with him being gone, but now this is just added stress and pain on top of it. 

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Everything seems so pointless.

I saw a thing on the news this morning about new ideas being tested in our schools to improve education. The only thing I could think was "yeah, but some people die young and it's pointless."

I saw commercials advertising new foods and new products, and thought "yeah, but people die sometimes and will never get to experience these things."

I heard about a new movie coming out in a month, that I know my girlfriend would have loved to see. And again, I thought "this is great, but sometimes people die and don't get to experience it."

I had dreams last night where, in the dream, my girlfriend was just away, far away but not permanently gone. I didn't actually see her, but in the dream, my knowledge was that she was coming back. I woke up still believing it for a good 5 minutes. Then the reality hit all over again.

I still sometimes expect her to text me and tell me it was a joke. I even envision the message itself she would send. "Hey, it's *her name*, I'm actually alive, I have a lot to explain to you, can we meet up at *some place we went to a lot* tomorrow?"

I'm doing horribly today.

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fzald,

I'm sorry...I know you're going through the ups and downs...more downs than ups.  That's normal for this stage of grief.  It's just so friggin' hard to get used to!

To have dreams and wake up from them must feel like a cruel joke.  I didn't experience that until year one or two. :(

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same here fzald.
I didn't even text my gran and I check my phone for some sign of her.
the fact that my phone randomly shut off the other day made me wonder. i mean it hasn't happened before but it's probably some glitch. i don't even download many apps.
whatever i don't know. i hate not knowing more than anything.
i read people's experiences on astral projection and random soul stuff. hoping for some other world out there.
then i see invective comments and i just feel sad again. i feel like i'm kidding myself.
 

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1 hour ago, new133 said:

same here fzald.
I didn't even text my gran and I check my phone for some sign of her.
the fact that my phone randomly shut off the other day made me wonder. i mean it hasn't happened before but it's probably some glitch. i don't even download many apps.
whatever i don't know. i hate not knowing more than anything.
i read people's experiences on astral projection and random soul stuff. hoping for some other world out there.
then i see invective comments and i just feel sad again. i feel like i'm kidding myself.
 

New133,

I have a certain point of view when it comes to "astral projection", extra dimensions, spirit forms, all the so called "new age" spiritualism. I have a strong faith, grounded in traditional Christian beliefs. However, I also have room for the idea or theory that we inhabit but one "universe", one reality out of an infinite number. I also have accepted that I will never understand the mechanisms of how reality works or if we even have enough senses to perceive reality in its totality. The ironic thing about that is that it actually brings me comfort. It implies possibilities, and for me, possibility equals hope. If you find comfort, or a thread that resonates with you and how you wish to accept this reality, then that's enough. What other people say or imply is just one persons opinion or point of view. What matters to you is the only thing you need worry about. 

For what it's worth, I'll just say that I personally believe that "death", as we perceive it, is transitional. Without being preachy, I do believe our soul, spirit, whatever you wish to call it, goes on. I have no proof, just faith, a deeper appreciation for this mysterious universe and some personal experiences I've had after my wife passed away. No, I didn't see her "ghost", no whispers in the night, but more "signs", if you will. I'm not trying to sway anyone towards any particular belief, but I hope you find some comfort that even when you may doubt, that it's ok, because those of us who do believe, we'll believe for you. 

I sincerely hope you find a measure of comfort and peace,

Andy 

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Solomon'sGirl
On 3/8/2017 at 2:51 PM, fzald said:

I found a bag of chips that I remember buying the last time I had gone to the nearby gas station to get a snack for us at work. I never opened them. A freaking bag of chips made me cry, because it was something I had bought and brought to the office the very last day I saw her alive.

This. I have a bag of chips he bought still in the pantry, unopened. I see so much of myself in all of you. 

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Numb and Lost

Fzald I also imagine scenerios in my head that he isn't really gone. I imagine him calling and saying none of it was real and he had to go on witness protection for a while. So so stupid. I feel better knowing I'm not the only one that does that! I have a bag of dirt from his grave just cause I wanted something. I also went and picked up a rock from where we used to meet. 

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Numb,

Yep, that's kind of how it is for me too. There was a book that my girlfriend and I read together about a year ago, and in the book this kid's father was pronounced dead, with a full story behind it, EVEN HAD A BODY, and then 18 years later he discovers his father was actually alive the entire time, and he was working for a secret government project. He finds out that his dad had been writing letters to him every day. Kind of like what we do. They got the joy of reunion, in this life, on this planet. They got to share all the letters they wrote to each other. They got to express love, anger, frustration, sadness, and happiness all at once. At the time I remember thinking about how strange it would be to find out that someone you loved who "died" actually hadn't died.

Now that's all I find myself wishing for. That my girl could be that one person, that one who actually isn't dead but is in hiding somewhere, with a completely legitimate reason for "pretending" to be dead. 

---

I had more dreams of her last night. One of them was that I was heading home from work and she was on the speakerphone. I remember asking her if she was coming back, and she said "Yes, I am coming back, but I don't know how my schedule will be since I'll have doctor's appointments and therapy and such. But you can tell everyone I'm OK and that I'm coming back." I woke up from that right when I asked her "what exactly happened"? 

The second one was more profound, maybe a form of contact. We were sitting together, I don't remember where. But this time she was in person, I actually held her hand and touched her arm. In this dream I was aware she had died, but here I was, touching and holding her. I don't remember the entire conversation but I do remember the last part. I asked her if she were given the option to "come back", would she? She didn't say anything at first. I squeezed her hand gently, and asked again. She looked at me, put her arm on my shoulder, and said "I don't know." I said "What do you mean, you don't know? If you could come back to Earth, to this life, the life you loved and wanted, you think you might not?" She hesitated again, and said "I honestly don't know. It's..." And then I suddenly jolted awake.

Sometimes I go entire nights with no dreams of her, but other nights I have many of them. I'm not sure which one I "prefer". Sometimes dreams of her bring me a little comfort, but at the same time they remind me so painfully of what I have lost. Other times when I don't dream of her I find myself wishing I could. It is such an agony, to see her in dreams, for what I want to be "right there" but yet so far out of reach. 

I'm at work again today, but I'm having more trouble than I did earlier this week. The true "pain" started to really set in for me the week for this one, and it's not letting up. By the time Monday rolls around, I'll have been in this funk for almost 2 weeks. 

And today marks exactly 7 weeks to the day since I physically hugged her for real last. 

7 short weeks.  49 days.  

That whole time warp thing is still there. It feels like it was last week that I saw her, but it also feels like an eternity ago.

Today sucks. This week sucked. Last week sucked. Every single day since she passed has sucked. I still can't see any light at the end of this long dark tunnel. I still can't imagine how I'll ever be happy again, or even just "OK" again. People ask how I am, I don't figure there's any point in pleasantries, I tell people I am sad, or upset, or missing her. People sometimes get uncomfortable. I guess I don't care. This experience is the kind that would be even too cruel to impose on criminals or bad people. Nobody should have to deal with this kind of anguish and pain. If you could inject something into someone which would make them feel this kind of anguish, I wouldn't condone its use even on criminals. Even the worst humans in the world shouldn't have to suffer like this, and yet here we are, some of the best ones, suffering.

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So true fzald I agree, it's a pain so severe and it separates us from reality.  It's like it's a football game, we can watch it in the crowd from the sidelines but we can't get involved and play the game.  In fact it feels like we are "waiting" as well, but I don't know what for - it's like being in a "no-man's land".  Like the time between Xmas and New Year. Time appears to stand still.  It's an uneasy, unsettling feeling. 

People will (or will not) ask how you are and when you reply they are momentarily sympathetic but then skip onto their "couple life" I know because I have done the same.  Now I truly know what it feels like I just think that yes, I know you are sorry - but you don't know just how sorry until it happens to you.  It's not being nasty but they simply don't know what's to come.  We can all imagine what it will feel like but however hard we think it will be, it will always be a gross underestimation.

Take care fzald and everyone.

 

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Over lunch break today I had to run a few errands. I ended up for the first time going to a few places I haven't been to since she was alive. 

It was so strange. For a while it felt like everything was "normal." It felt like the correct thing to do was call her up and ask what she wants me to pick up for her. I almost did that in fact. Even had the phone in my hand. Then I remembered all over again that she is gone forever.

How can the world be so similar, so unchanged? How can it be that everything that was before she passed still is? It really feels like something is SUPPOSED to be way more different than it is. But the world is the same. Everything goes on. Restaurants we are at continue to serve the same food. Stores sell the same goods. It's a world she belongs in. And yet she's gone.

 

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Solomon'sGirl
4 hours ago, fzald said:

People ask how I am, I don't figure there's any point in pleasantries, I tell people I am sad, or upset, or missing her.

I do the same thing. I've started saying I'm good when it's a quick passing. But if someone is staying around for a minute to talk, I answer honestly. It feels weird to say I'm good. Every time I do it, I think in my head about him and that I just lied to someone. 

3 hours ago, Zara19 said:

it's a pain so severe and it separates us from reality.  It's like it's a football game, we can watch it in the crowd from the sidelines but we can't get involved and play the game.  In fact it feels like we are "waiting" as well, but I don't know what for - it's like being in a "no-man's land".  Like the time between Xmas and New Year. Time appears to stand still.  It's an uneasy, unsettling feeling

This is exactly how I feel. Exactly. I feel like I'm waiting.. I don't know what for. Him? I guess I am. But I also know he's not coming back. So then I think maybe I'm waiting for my turn to go? I don't know. It's a fog. 

2 hours ago, fzald said:

How can the world be so similar, so unchanged? How can it be that everything that was before she passed still is? It really feels like something is SUPPOSED to be way more different than it is. But the world is the same. Everything goes on. Restaurants we are at continue to serve the same food. Stores sell the same goods. It's a world she belongs in. And yet she's gone.

I've wondered this so many times. I've found myself getting annoyed that life just seems to go on. Like doesn't the world know that something major has just happened? 

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35 minutes ago, Solomon'sGirl said:

This is exactly how I feel. Exactly. I feel like I'm waiting.. I don't know what for. Him? I guess I am. But I also know he's not coming back. So then I think maybe I'm waiting for my turn to go? I don't know. It's a fog. 

I feel the same way. There were times that my girlfriend was away for a few months, a summer internship in another state was one time, and I functioned OK because I knew she was still out there, we could still talk, and I knew she would be back. It wasn't great, we didn't get to see each other for at least a month and a half at a time, but I knew there would always be a "next time." 

So strange, when I went to the gas station today, the guy checking me out said "Thanks, we'll see you next time!" I thought to myself... I bet they said that same thing to my girlfriend when she was there once. And yet, there never was a "next time' for her. But it's the same at work, the last message board post she put on our online chat system to another co-worker said "Don't worry, I'll see you on the 30th." The 30th came, but she didn't come back to see anyone...because she had passed away.

Things at work have returned to "Normal". Projects push forward. Outward mourning is gone. The memorial page we had on our website is gone. Her name is off the bulletin boards, the staff directory, it's as if she never worked here. The only thing of her that does remain is some videos we have on our site that she was in. Someday those too will be redone as things evolve. It's so hard, knowing that as time goes on, her presence slips further and further away, her legacy slowly fades into irrelevance, and there will come a day that the only ones who will truly still be feeling the immense depth of loss will be me and her family.

I feel like I'm waiting for something. A line from the movie Titanic comes to mind. "The people in the boats could only wait... wait to die, wait to live, wait for an absolution that would never come." That's pretty much how I feel right now. I'm waiting for something that will never come. I'll spend my whole life waiting. And when I pass, MAYBE I'll see her again, but there's still that fear that maybe there is nothing after this place, maybe I'll pass out of the world as quietly as she did, leaving behind a little legacy that will also slowly fade into irrelevance. I suppose though if there truly is nothing, I won't be around to know that my legacy has died with me...

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fzald, I feel that for of us, the legacy we'll leave behind, is the love we had for those that get left behind when we leave this life. Love is the only constant.

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1 hour ago, fzald said:

And when I pass, MAYBE I'll see her again, but there's still that fear that maybe there is nothing after this place, maybe I'll pass out of the world as quietly as she did, leaving behind a little legacy that will also slowly fade into irrelevance. I suppose though if there truly is nothing, I won't be around to know that my legacy has died with me...

ugh, i am sorry and i feel the same way, i don't know what to do, i just keep hoping and wondering for something "more" but then I lose hope and I go up and down and it's exhausting. i don't know how i can endure another year let alone decades. sometimes i just want to die right now, and my mom can be bit frustrating considering she doesn't even seem to care anymore that gran is gone

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Numb and Lost

Well apparently we all have the "waiting" feeling in common. I definitely have it. I especially have it because we went periods that we didn't see each other or talk much but I always knew we would gravitate back. So I feel like I did those times when I was waiting then. Every day I just make it until bed time and I almost don't want to sleep because I know I'll have to wake up again to another hopeless day and have to do it all over again. I picture him sitting in my car with his perfect smile and think about how he made me feel and I know I will never feel that again. To me there isn't any smile that could ever compare to his. It was just something about it. He was just a magnet for me. Once you have felt that how do you just go on? I didn't know what would happen because of our circumstances but I knew, or thought I knew he would at least be here. I miss wondering what he is doing. I still wonder I just don't know how to picture it. I don't know if his personality is the same. I still feel him though I think. I keep hearing from my friends that know that I need help. No one can help me. Unless he can be brought back then I can't be helped. It's  like I just have to accept that I'm going to be sad until I die. I cant even accept he's gone yet. My heart just can not understand it. I drove by the wreck site again today and about had one myself crying on the highway trying to figure out exactly where it happened. I don't know why I even do that. I try to understand why he wrecked, and I think how he was probably driving along thinking he would be home in a few min and would be having Christmas with his kids in a few days then I wonder if he ever saw it coming at all. I know it isn't good to think about those things but I can't help it. 

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We all seem to do the "if he/she were still here he/she would..."

It's our dream. Our fantasy. Our one wish we want granted.

But what makes our fantasies unique is that they're not pipe dreams or things we just want but don't really know what it feels like to have. Our dreams are unique because we had them, they were real, we lived and breathed our fantasies. For a time, years, decades, whatever, we lived in our fantasies, we had everything we could have wanted. Then, that world was taken away from us mercilessly. We are not wishing for something new. We are just wishing for what we once had. Only weeks or months ago, we had what we wanted. We were basically literally living out our dreams. Then our loved ones left us and we are suddenly left with only a fantasy and a dream for what was so close to being reality. Suddenly reality becomes fantasy. It's impossible for them to come back, even though they were just here.

When I fantasize about my girl texting me, it's not a far fetched scenario where I have to make up details. I can imagine exactly what she would say, in her quirky way. I can imagine how the message alert will look and sound on my phone. I can even imagine how I would respond. It's not a hypothetical scenario where I ask what I would do. I don't have to ask because I know. The fantasy is so vivid, so clear, so absolute. It feels so real that it feels like it's about to happen any second. Of course it's not. But it feels so real especially when I dream it while sleeping.

I have had disconnected feelings tonight. I know my emotions are still actively trying to avoid facing this reality. I think my emotional brain has reached the stage of "if I don't think about it then it isn't real." But it is real, my logical mind knows that, and there's a fierce battle going on inside me. I remember so many happy times but also promises I made to her that I cannot carry out - things I was going to do for her or help her learn or help her with in general and so on. My emotional side sometimes still keeps reminding me to keep my promises, even though there's no way to do that now. Like I promised to take her to a place in town to get some craft supplies. Or I promised to help fix something of hers. The kind of things you can't just "do in her honor" because they were directly for her. Tonight, this is my sadness. That I never got to realize and deliver on these promises. She asked me for help and I promised to do if, and then before I could she passed. She might have "unfinished business," but so do I and I am still alive...

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fzald,

Just a thought here.  If the things you were supposed to do are really bothering you, is there any reason you can't still do them?  I understand you can't do them for her, but you could find alternatives if you think it would help.

You could pick up the craft supplies, then donate them to a local school so they would be used.  I don't know what of hers you were supposed to fix, but you could contact her family and offer to do it for them.  I know they have been problematic, that might open communication between you though, and they might allow you some things of sentimental value in return.

Neither of those will bring her back of course, but if the issues themselves are weighing on your mind it might reduce your burden. As always, hoping you find peace,

Herc

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