fzald

Girlfriend died at age 22. Totally devastated.

403 posts in this topic

Life is made up of all of the little everyday things we make of it...having coffee together, cuddling, talking over our day, busyness, errands, classes, work, etc.  That everyday life she lived with you as her best friend is what she chose to comprise her life of...that is what was important to her.  You gave her the best of yourself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

fzald, Reliving the past is part of the grieving. It is what we had with our loved ones. The only life we knew when they were here. Your girlfriend was here for a short time, but you learned from her all the wonderful things you speak of. You were in her life for a reason. She gave you the gift of herself before she left. Use that gift of your lessons from her to continue on. Carry her in your heart with all you do. Cherish her gift to you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I hate mornings.

Every night, I feel like I might be making a little progress. I feel just the tiniest bit more at peace. I of course still miss her and think of her all the time. But that pure wretched agony and pain subsides a little.

but then I wake up and all the agony is back, full force, in all its intensity, almost like I only found out yesterday instead of over two weeks ago.

The mornings are when I still just feel like giving up. When I ask myself what the point of life is. When I just want to go back to sleep forever, so I can be with her.

How do you do it??????

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

fzald, I'm sorry. None of us have the answers. We are struggling along, blind, on this journey. I don't know how anyone does it except by breathing, taking it a second, a minute, an hour at a time. The hours turn into days. I'll be at the 6 month mark at the end of the week. This journey has not gotten easier. I cannot tell you how I have gotten this far, because I don't really know. I just have. Mornings are painful for me too. I hate getting up, the reality is right in my face. I struggle through the day. Night time is rough. My husband is not in our bed. I cannot find him anywhere except in my heart and memories. I am a lot older than you and I wish for a short life so I can be reunited with my husband. Anyone else would think I'm crazy, but I know everyone here understands. i don't know any other way to live my life except the life my husband I had together. Our 25 years is the life I knew and enjoyed. I can only continue on with those aspects of that life that still exist, sadly, without my husband. Yes, many times I have felt like giving up. There is a process to that also and not a pretty one. But, it is a sin and my husband would not want me to do that. He lived a very full life and would want the same for me. Somehow, I will survive.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, KMB said:

I am a lot older than you and I wish for a short life so I can be reunited with my husband. Anyone else would think I'm crazy, but I know everyone here understands. i don't know any other way to live my life except the life my husband I had together. Our 25 years is the life I knew and enjoyed.

KMB, I completely know this feeling well. Before my girlfriend died I used to think about dying from time to time and would find it scary. I would think "I don't want to die! Why must I die, even as an old person someday? Life is so good, I would never want to leave this behind!"

But now, with my love gone, life feels empty. It feels meaningless, not worth it. Sometimes I can honestly say I would welcome death. I no longer fear it. I no longer think about all I would leave behind and all I would miss out on if I died tomorrow. If a criminal held a gun to my head and demanded I do what he says or he will shoot, I'd probably just let him shoot. My girlfriend loved life as much as I did and she had her life taken from her so suddenly and so young. I find myself wondering why I can't just slip away in my sleep or just leave the world quickly and suddenly like she did. 

Its quite humbling how this experience can change ones entire perspective. Me, someone who loved life as much as my girl did, now can't even see the point of waking up in the morning. Me, someone who would have fought tooth and nail to survive only a few weeks ago would now welcome death if the opportunity presented itself. 

And yet I still think about all the great things I have experienced in my life. I want to keep sharing those things with her. I can't. Even if she is waiting for me, what about the life I must now live that I want her to share in????

My anger with my girlfriend is no longer related to her leaving. It's now more like "why does she get to just float away to the land of happiness and love while I must stay here and waste away, waiting out a life without her?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

fzald,---life is meaningless for me also. It is not the right attitude, of course, if we are to see ourselves climbing out this pit of devastation. I'm hoping my husband somehow shows me the way to a life that I can adjust to and live for him. This is hard work and our efforts have to be constant and vigilant.I am one of those compassionate souls that when driving down the road and I see a dead animal, I say a prayer and tell it's spirit to move towards the white light and someone will be there for guidance. I'm the one who many years ago pissed off a lot of people by stopping in the middle of a busy highway to stop traffic and allow a mama badger and her babies cross the road safely. I appreciated the value of life.

My thinking is all scewed now. I am still a compassionate person but I don't value myself because of my personal loss. My other half is gone. I feel as though I am only half existing. If I found out I had a terminal illness, I would probably choose not to fight it. I am actually jealous that my husband is in a place of no suffering, filled with peace and love, no burdens from this earth life.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

KMB,

I can really understand how you are feeling.  It will get better, I know you can't see that now.  I understand your wanting to go be with him, I think we all would rather...

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you, KayC. I don't like sounding negative either. The mind is all scrambled, no normal, logical perspective right now.This process is going to take a lot of hard work.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know that my girl would not have liked negative thoughts. She had some depression in the past and often felt that she wasn't worth much. I know that I was a major part of helping her move past that and realize her true potential and meaning.

But she would also have chosen to live. Given even a partial say in the matter, she would have chosen to live and keep on living. She may have been depressed, even suicidal, at one time, but at this time she was finally happy, living her life and enjoying it. 

There is a horribly sad irony in this for me. She finally learned to love life, and then it was taken from her. She may have welcomed this outcome in the past. Now, when she wanted exactly the opposite, it's what she was given.......

Rough day. At work again. Not focusing well on anything again. Just missing her and also feeling the tragedy of her loss. This is something that is supposed to happen in movies and books. Not in real life.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, fzald said:

There is a horribly sad irony in this for me. She finally learned to love life, and then it was taken from her.

It was taken from her, but only life as we know it.  Perhaps the life beyond is something far more expansive, it's hard for us to comprehend because this is all we've ever known.

You were an integral part of her life, part of her development, coming to terms with things within herself...now perhaps she can do the same for you...it's hard to explain in words, but my George is still helping me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Being at work sucks too.

I have sat here for the past 10 minutes just remembering little things that I miss. I miss bringing her breakfast from the snack bar. I miss her calling and asking for those little favors (can you shut down my computer? I forgot this at the office, can you bring it to me? etc) I miss being there for her. I miss her thinking of me and calling me to ask if I wanted her to bring me some lunch. I miss her sincere thank yous when I would do something she needed. I miss her smile. I miss her telling me how much I meant to her. I miss telling her how much she meant to me. I just miss everything.

It's times like this that even the thought that she's alive and well in the afterworld doesn't help. I loved how we were here. I loved how we looked out for each other. But I miss more looking out for her than her looking out for me. I miss just that feeling of... purpose? Happiness? Not even sure what word to use, but the feeling that I got when I did something nice for her and she appreciated it. I knew I was making her life happy, even if it was something little and seemingly insignificant. I miss that so much.

I'm not sure how to get through today.

Edit: Here's what I don't get. I know she's gone. I know on a logical level that she will never again be present here in this world, with the possible exception of some kind of spiritual sign. But why do I still find I feel like she's still here? Like I feel like this far into it I should be able to stop fantasizing that she'll walk in the door or that she'll call me. It feels like I'm making no progress and am just clinging to a past that will never again be the present. It is so hard...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Fzald,

I can relate so much.  I know he's gone in my logical head, but my logical head feels detached from the rest of me and my feelings.  I can't believe that I'll never see him walking through that front door, ever again.  How can that be?  I haven't sat in my living room since he passed.  I just look at that blue chair that he thought was so comfy and always fell asleep in while we were watching TV.  I finally sat on the arm of the chair the other day and just cried.  Not a lot of time has passed yet.  We need to be gentle and patient with ourselves.  We are making progress, each day, even though it doesn't feel like it.  The past will never be the present.  I too miss so many things that will never again be.  I think we need to just get through this grief, somehow, and on the other side we will live a happy life once again, but it will be different.  I look at pictures of us, and I have the biggest smile on my face.  I was so happy no matter what we were doing together.  Will I ever smile like that again?  Will I ever be that happy again?  I want to believe I will be so badly.  I have to have faith.  I know he would want me to be happy again.  I just need to learn how to be happy with him not physically here, but he will always be in my heart and soul and I have to believe that will pull me through.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Also guys, I did have another dream of her last night. It wasn't long, and I actually don't remember every detail clearly. But I do remember that in the dream, she was crying and hugging me. 

She was scared of something. She couldn't tell me what. But she kept saying over and over "I don't know, I don't know" and crying, and holding onto me for dear life. 

We were out in public, in what I think was a store, near the back, kind of out of the way of a lot of people. I would try to ask her "what's wrong? What don't you know?" And she just kept crying.

And of course in the dream I cried too. I held her as tightly as she did and told her that I would make everything OK. 

I was having a lot of dreams right after the funeral in which she would appear in some familiar or unfamiliar place and wonder why everyone thought she was dead. She would be bewildered and even angry at "whoever started that rumor". In each of those dreams I was there, hugging and clinging to her, while she would laugh and say "I'm here! I'm ok!"

My friend, who is quite spiritual, thinks that these dreams are somehow connected. That initially, she was confused herself about her own death, not believing she was actually gone, especially because it was so sudden and even she had no clue it was coming. Now, my friend thinks, she is afraid to go on. She can't stay stuck between worlds forever, but she is afraid of leaving this world behind. Symbolically, her hugging and clinging to me may be her way of saying she doesn't want to leave me behind either...

I never was too into believing that dreams were communications from spirits, but I do have to say that this interpretation makes sense. If it is actually true, then it means she is letting me know that she loves me and is just as sad and scared to leave me behind in this world as I am to be in this world without her. Maybe, just maybe, there actually is another world where we all reunite and spend our days together, happy, forever... I only wish I didn't have to wait so long to be in that world with her, where I belong, where we belong together... I also wish I didn't have to live this life without her, not being able to share anything with her, not being able to keep sharing those things we already shared so closely ever again...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I get that it's only been less than 3 weeks since my beloved passed.

but I still don't feel I'm coping or dealing well at all.

I still find myself in a state of denial, even though I know absolutely that she is never coming back. Part of me still thinks she's just away. I think, right now it's 11:15 PM, she's probably putting on her super cute pajamas that I liked cuddling her in, and getting ready to curl up with her book for a while. I think, tomorrow morning she'll be up at 7, brushing her teeth and getting ready for the day. In an alternate universe where she is still with me, that's almost certainly what is happening.

I just can't seem to wholly take in that she's gone forever. It's actually a little maddening. I feel like I'm stuck and not even taking baby steps, but rather am only as ok as I am because of these false beliefs or notions. 

Here comes another night of restless sleep followed by an agonizing morning... where I again must face all over again the sad harsh reality. And I can bet that by tomorrow evening I'll still be in disbelief.

All I really want now is some progress. Some glimmer of hope from within that I will be OK without her. Something from within to show me that I won't be pining and yearning  for her forever, living out my sad existence in a state of fantasy and magical wishful thinking...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
20 hours ago, fzald said:

But why do I still find I feel like she's still here? Like I feel like this far into it I should be able to stop fantasizing that she'll walk in the door or that she'll call me. It feels like I'm making no progress and am just clinging to a past that will never again be the present. It is so hard...

Because this is so damn hard to process.  It takes a long time to sink in.  It's why you expect her to walk in the door or it to be her when the phone rings.  After a time this too will fade away. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Even though I wasn't present when she collapsed, and also not when she actually passed, my mind has been fabricating the sequence of events based on what I was told, and then replaying it over and over all day.

She was alive. She called me. She spoke to me. Only a couple hours later she was passed out, never to awaken again. 

Asking "why" is pointless. Even if I were given a video of her last minutes of being awake, even if I had been in the hospital when she passed, I'd still be in the same state I am today. 

If I count from the last day she was awake, I'm only 3 weeks 3 days into this horrible life. But it feels like I've already lived a thousand lonely lives, I almost feel like I don't belong here. Like I feel like I've aged so much in the past 3 weeks that by now I should be about to pass on too. I still wake up disappointed. It's not as much crying anymore, it's just absolute anguish. Crying would almost feel better, but I can't really cry anymore. All I do now is feel that tightness in my stomach. I still find myself calling out to her in my darkest moments begging her to take me with. 

I just don't know how I'll ever make any progress.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tomorrow will mark 4 weeks to the day from the time I last saw her alive and well in person.

The weird thing is that we had been apart longer than this in the past. In fact, at one point early in our relationship, we actually were out of contact for almost 6 weeks. Long story, but the really short version is that we were taking a sort of "break", but without actually breaking up. She went to spend time with friends and work a summer internship and I did the same. We maybe texted a total of four times during those six weeks. It was really hard, but in the end it brought us way closer. That was almost 4 years ago.

Maybe that's why now it still sometimes just feels like she's away and she's coming back. It's not like I haven't been without her for this much time before. It sucked, but at the time it definitely re-affirmed our feelings for each other. From that point forward we learned to work through our differences together, and especially in 2016 we were doing so good at it. Fights we had were quickly dissipated, and most of the time it was simply because one of us was under stress from something external. After a little heart-to-heart we would always discover we weren't actually mad at each other, we'd hug, kiss and all would be OK. And the makeup sex.......

I'm reaching a point where I just want relief. I want to be OK again. Not even happy, but I'd settle for "not upset all the time" right now. I'd settle for "able to deal with this" right now. Being depressed at work and thinking about her constantly is actually exhausting. I'm just so worn out right now. I might leave work early and take a nap. 

I'm effectively a month in. A bit less maybe, but in my mind, she was gone the day she passed out. That would be the last day she was alive and speaking to me...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

fzald, I don't know what to say to help you. I can't even help myself. Grieving is exhausting, emotionally and mentally. Physically also for those of us with sleep issues. We have to think positively that it will get easier. It will by our own hard work and millions of tears. I've had losses of people, pets, in my life, challenges and obstacles. This is by far the worst. If I have to make my way through this in order to be reunited with my husband someday, it will be worth it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

fzald,

I remember feeling exactly that way too...and now all this time has passed, and I don't even know how.  It's hard waiting for "time" because we can't make it move faster or slower, we have no control over it, but it's the one thing we can count on...it passes.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A good friend of mine at work spent over an hour talking to me about her, asking me questions, asking me to tell my story.

I have to say, it was kind of therapeutic. For a little while, I felt OK. Not happy, but OK. My friend said our relationship sounded wonderful. 

I find that talking about her does help. Remembering positive things does help.

The problem is it's only temporary. Eventually, usually sooner rather than later, I come back down. I come crashing down hard. I remember that even though I have so many happy and good memories of her, those memories are now all I have of her, other than photos and the like. I think of the good times, but then immediately wish that there had been so many more.

It's a roller coaster. I want to get off. It's not a thrill anymore. It's torture. I want to get off.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is so sad to read. I am sorry you lost your girlfriend, she was so young. I wish I knew what happens when we die. I can't help but feel empty since my grandmother passed. The person who mattered the most is just "gone". That is very hard to get "used to."
It looks like she was your whole life. I understand why people say it takes months or even a year to feel different. I hope you can make it somehow and find meaning out of life. I want to be able to do the same. The world does indeed seem unstable, though. I often ask myself why I would feel surprised anymore. It just leads to numbness.
If you want to talk about how you feel free to send a message. I am not always good at chatting, but I am definitely open to listening to anything you have to say.


 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Fzald,

I don't have answers, of course.  As you have seen no one truly does.  I have the same crashes into despair you are going through.  I can only share what I am experiencing.

I have moved a lot in my life.  I've lived in 27 different houses or apartments, in 17 separate cities, in 8 different states.  As a result, I got lost a lot, and dealt with unfamiliar surroundings trying to find my way home.  Right now that is how I feel.

I feel like I am lost in an unfamiliar city, trying desperately to trace back my steps to a house that isn't even my home, but is where I need to get back to.  Eventually we will find our way.  We will see something familiar that leads us back.

I have no idea which way is north on these horribly twisted streets of grief.  Even when I do find something that seems familiar, I turn a corner and run into a new alley filled with the unknown.  But now and then I put some things together.  The moments between the confusion last a bit longer.  I turn a corner and see two street signs that match up.

I don't want to be in this new house, my love isn't there so it can't be my home.  But I will find it eventually, and at least slip out of the desperation and uncertainty of being lost the way I am now.

Once I get to that house, I will see if I can make it a home.  In the meantime, I'll keep retracing my steps until I find it.  I won't give up, because she would want me to find my way.

You are already finding your north.  You said talking about her helps.  You are already matching up those sign posts.  Keep remembering the positive.  Eventually you will get there, and in the meantime at least we are wandering these streets together.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It doesn't seem like it can be that only 4 weeks ago today i saw my girlfriend in person, hugged her, kissed her and said goodbye as she left work, for the last time, never to return.

Its actually not even been 3 weeks since she actually passed. 

I feel like I've lived a thousand lives in that time. Time used to fly by for me. "It's already 2017? It feels like yesterday it was turning 2016!" Now, every day feels like a year. It feels like I have been grieving for years and should be further along. Mornings are still complete agony. Thinking and talking about her helps a tiny bit but in the end I must again realize all over again that she is never coming back. It isn't a fight that we need to take a little break from and regroup. It isn't her being away on a trip with a specific return date to look forward to. It's over.

Everything reminds me of her. Even the most trivial things. Oh look, there's the lamppost we stood by talking one night. That's the vending machine she bought me chips from. That couch is where we sat the one evening she just wanted to talk just because.

I dont know if I can do it... 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

fzald, It certainly feels surreal, doesn't it? When my husband passed, I did my fair share of *pretending*. Due to being hospitalized many times, I pretended for a few days that was where my husband was at.  A specialized hospital far away where he was undergoing many tests and going to be fixed up. Why hasn't he called me? Why hasn't the nursing staff or doctor called to update me? Why am I being restricted on visiting him? After answering my own logical questions, I fell apart, all over again. I couldn't make the daily trip to spend time with him in the hospital. I couldn't bring him his paper and magazines from the mail. I couldn't sneak him the bite size candy bars he loved. I couldn't look forward to the day I could bring him home. Nothing I could do. He wasn't coming home, not like many times before where I could care for him. But, he is home in a sense. I brought his ashes home. The last part of him I get to keep.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

KMB,

You're right, it feels very surreal. I know exactly how she died from a scientific and medical perspective. I know exactly why she's not here anymore from a factual standpoint. But it still feels wrong on some other level that I can't really describe. It feels like it shouldn't be possible for this to happen, even though it very obviously is possible. 

When my friend died of cancer many years ago, he had been sick for over a year prior to passing. Everyone, his family, his wife, his friends... they all watched him slowly, slowly succomb to the cancer. Doctors tried everything to save him, even amputating a leg, and in the end he still passed, but the fact is, we had an entire year to prepare for the possibility emotionally. We all had those "last conversations" with him. He slowly but surely accepted the fact that his death was a very distinct possibility in the near future. He got to tell all of us what he wished for us and what his own wishes were. He got to meet someone - I can't remember who now - but through that make-a-wish foundation that can help terminally ill people meet famous people they look up to. It most certainly was not a "good death", he experienced a lot of pain, suffering and agony, and in some ways, it was almost a relief when he passed, because we all had seen him fight tooth and nail to the death. 

In one of the last conversations he had with me, he told me that he realized that the only way he may be able to "beat his cancer" is to let the cancer take him out, because once he's gone, the cancer has no host to thrive in. It was very much like the guy who sacrifices his life in order to take out the enemy. I remember crying so hard when he told me this, but he had said to me "Please don't cry. I want it this way. I don't want to die, but I will beat this thing even if it means having to give my life to do it."

With my girlfriend, none of that happened. There was no warning, no time to say anything, nothing. I saw her in person here at work. She was doing her job. Only 4 weeks ago, she was sitting at the desk next to me, working hard, getting things done. At the end of the day we went into the lounge as we often did just to hang out or talk, and when it was time for her to go she gave me a hug and a kiss, and I told her I'd miss her while she was gone, and she laughed cutely and said "I'll only be gone for a week!" She left the room, and at the same time, out of my life forever. It makes no sense. Even though I know exactly what happened, it just doesn't make sense that it's even possible for someone, especially her age, to basically just drop dead. Sudden death is something that happens to elderly people, comfortable in their beds, after having lived a long, fulfilling, full life, after having raised a family, passed on their gifts to a new generation, and experienced everything the world has to offer. Sudden death shouldn't happen  to someone only 22 years old, just starting their life, looking forward to so many things. It's not right.

Sorry for rambling, but I just don't know how I'm going to deal with this. Like I said, it's only been basically 3 weeks, and I already feel like it's been an eternity. I am functioning at maybe 10% of my usual ability. I can't even imagine living this way for one more week, let alone another couple of months. 

Today, I tried to start looking at some of the YouTube channels and news pages that I used to follow regularly. I'm finding that I still keep thinking "oh, I have to tell her about this one/discuss this one with her........." It's agonizing. I hate this. I didn't just lose a girlfriend. I lost my absolute best and closest friend ever. I lost my soulmate. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now