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fzald

Girlfriend died at age 22. Totally devastated.

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Sleep has been elusive for me too. I go to bed at around 11 (I used to stay up late working or talking to her) and usually sleep for a couple hours at a time before waking up, checking the time and then tossing and turning a little before sleeping a little again. When I check the clock and see it's still early in the night, like say 1 AM, I feel relieved. No, I don't have to get up and face the cruel world just yet. I can stay sleeping longer. When I wake up and see I only have maybe an hour or so before I really have to be up, I find myself depressed, sad and lonely all over again.....

 

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Sleeping is an issue for many of us. Some people are able to do a lot of sleeping and the rest, like us, are on the other side of the pendulum. Grieving is an individual process but has many similarities. I hate this life, being left alone without the one person who was my everything. I was recently reading a grief blog by a woman who lost her husband over 6 years ago. She still refers to herself as the living dead. Just existing, waiting out this life. It is how I feel.

Hang in there fzald, all of us here need each other to keep us going.

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"Waiting out this life..."

That sums up how I've felt since I heard the news. My life lost all of its glow, she took my happy spirit with her when she left. I died a lot inside the day she died. I feel like I'm no longer here to live life and prosper, but just to wait and wait until my body gives up and I finally get to join her in the next life...

 

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fzald, I'm sorry that my words brought you down. I should be doing the opposite on this forum, and I usually do try my best at bringing comfort to others. I can't deny my own feelings. Every day that goes by, I feel worse and more alone without my husband. What has been keeping me going are the pets. They deserve the stability and care from me through the rest of their days here. They are on the elderly side and I know that down the road I will be dealing with their loss. i don't know where the strength will come from when their time comes. Another thing that keeps me going for now is my husband's end of life wishes. His estate will soon be finalized. I don't know how I am going to handle going in to sign those final papers. I really don't see anything happening in my future that could top the years I spent with my husband. There is nothing or no one that can override those years with my soul mate. I will get the rest of my affairs in order, my husband had me do up a will when he had his done. I can work on downsizing the clutter in the house. I can be of help to others on this forum and help the few people I know. I have plenty to do while *waiting out this life*. It will be daily anguish for me to carry on but I don't have a choice. All I know is that when I am reunited with my husband, I am never letting go of him.

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KMB, You have nothing to be sorry for. We all have pain, much of it similar, and it is a very, very tiny comfort knowing someone else actually understands these horrible feelings, even though I wish I could fix it for everyone.

There are certainly things for me to do here on this planet. Keep working. Keep my house in order. All those things, though, just feel meaningless. That's probably because to me, it almost feels like everything she wanted for herself ended up being meaningless. How can I find meaning in advancing my career, when she had the same drive to do so as I did and never got to? It's one of those things... it's obvious that nature doesn't care, things are going to happen as they do... so you feel futile. Why bother? Some of us can do amazing things to make the world a better place... but in the end we're all going to end up leaving someday. Sometimes, we'll leave too early, like she did. Sometimes we'll leave too late, like those who spend their last several years suffering pain from medical conditions. We will leave, though, and in the face of loss like this, it's easy to just think "What's the point?"

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fzald---I don't really know what the point of it all is either. I do know we were given this life for a reason. To leave our mark somewhere in history that we did exist here. To leave a legacy of love behind to give others hope. Our loved ones can no longer be here. I guess we continue on for them. Whatever your girl wanted from life, take over for her. Fulfill her dreams for her.The best way to honor someone we love is to live life for them. Easier said than done, I know. My own feelings flip flop so much. It is the grieving that does that. I know how I should be feeling, if I am to survive, but it all runs into that brick wall of defeat, despair, because I just need my husband.

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KMB

Your thread is spot on!  We must continue on for them and honor them in all we do. We still represent them and for me, I represent my husband proudly.    It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, and maybe a day to love them, but not even a lifetime will you forget them.    

2 hours ago, KMB said:

but it all runs into that brick wall of defeat, despair, because I just need my husband.

That brick wall of defeat will have to come down, (and we are all here to help you, brick by brick).  It has to come down because Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening.   No matter how hard death tries, it can’t separate the love you and your husband shared.  It can’t take away your memories either.  Is Death  the last sleep? - NO -  It's the final awakening to eternity. 

You know you're in my prayers.  Keep strong!

 

 

 

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I just had a little cry.

One of my girl's favorite songs was "If I Die Young" (The Band Perry)........

.......

How sad that she actually would die young.........

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fzald,

I'm sorry for you.   I can see how that affected you.  I think music in itself is healing and something we are all touched by; however, I haven't been able to listen to the music my husband and I loved - just too difficult now.   I tried, but my tsunami flowed.   Be strong, my prayers are with you.

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Music was a big part of our relationship, we had so many "our songs" that my son made a "wedding CD" for us with most of our songs on it.  Still to this day it's really hard for me to listen to them.  All of the love songs, they were us and it's so painful, I rarely listen to music anymore.  I'm on the praise team at church (lead music on Sundays) and community choir, but those aren't love songs so I can enjoy them.  I listened to his music in my early grief and cried, but I reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore.

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KayC, I know how you feel. My girlfriend loved music. She was an absolutely beautiful singer. I have a side hobby of recording and editing music and she wanted so badly to make some tracks of herself. Life and school kept getting in the way. Now I wish that we'd have made time to record....

I still find myself unable to truly face the finality. Other than when I pass on, I will never see her again. I will live an entire life without her. I will never again feel her soft touch, hear her comforting words, hear her beautiful laugh, see her beautiful face and body... Each morning I awake with the sick, empty feeling, the feeling of pure loneliness and emptiness, the feeling that nothing matters anymore. That if the world can go on without her, what good am I?

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5 hours ago, KayC said:

Music was a big part of our relationship, we had so many "our songs" that my son made a "wedding CD" for us with most of our songs on it.  Still to this day it's really hard for me to listen to them.  All of the love songs, they were us and it's so painful, I rarely listen to music anymore.  I'm on the praise team at church (lead music on Sundays) and community choir, but those aren't love songs so I can enjoy them.  I listened to his music in my early grief and cried, but I reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore.

I feel you. Like you, my husband and I loved "our" music and listened to "our" songs, sometimes singing along.  We had such good times doing that.  As much as I loved "our" music, without him, there's no sense in listening to "our" songs; no fun in it anymore; just pain and I don't want to pain.  I'm in the church's choir and have always liked upbeat songs; but some of the church songs are slow and heartbreaking and I find myself Praising the Lord and thinking of my husband at the same time - it makes me feel so emotionally overwhelmed and I cry.     

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Francine, I also avoid our music. I used to have music on when I was cooking, doing the dishes or cleaning. It enhanced my happiness and made chores more pleasurable.My husband would have music on in the garage while he or we were working on something. I don't do that, I can't do that anymore. Music is a surefire trigger that increases the pain of what can never be again. I hope we all survive our losses somehow in one piece. Bless us all.

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On 2/7/2017 at 8:29 PM, fzald said:

 

I never ever imagined that I would live through this pain. I knew that I would have to grieve some losses in life. Parents, grandparents, pets. But my girlfriend was so lively. She is the last person I could ever have expected to pass on, especially at her age. I used to think that I would pre-decease her, because she was younger than me. I used to be so certain of everything. Life was great. Everything made sense.

Nature, God, the spirits, whatever... They all seem indifferent to what we want. It feels like the thing I wanted least turned out to be what I was given. And also what she least wanted was given to her....

As much as I wish I could hold her and hug her for my own comfort, I wish I could do it for her as well. I wish she was here so I could reassure her that the life she wanted is still here. I wish I could give her life back to her not just for me but for her. I was going to do just that had she made it through the coma. I even dreamed of it and planned it all out to a T. 

That call where I learned of her fate will forever be a nightmare for the rest of my life.

Those were exactly my thoughts. We always joked about how I'd want my funeral when I die of old age and how I wanted to be decked out in pearls and a dress with large florals. I never ever thought this would happen. 

Our biggest fear happened to us. What we never wanted, was what we got. A deceased husband leaving behind a widow, and an innocent three year old little girl. We were inseparable. Near or far we always texted and messaged each other. She continues to ask about him every day and says how he's the greatest dad ever. During our relationship and marriage the love that we had was so true that we both felt so blessed to have it and you know what they say, too good to be true. Too good to last, even when we were prepared and knew were going to spend the rest of our lives together no matter what....it was taken from us beyond our control. 

I'm just so so sorry that such pain exist in this world for us. 

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7 hours ago, fzald said:

KayC, I know how you feel. My girlfriend loved music. She was an absolutely beautiful singer. I have a side hobby of recording and editing music and she wanted so badly to make some tracks of herself. Life and school kept getting in the way. Now I wish that we'd have made time to record....

I still find myself unable to truly face the finality. Other than when I pass on, I will never see her again. I will live an entire life without her. I will never again feel her soft touch, hear her comforting words, hear her beautiful laugh, see her beautiful face and body... Each morning I awake with the sick, empty feeling, the feeling of pure loneliness and emptiness, the feeling that nothing matters anymore. That if the world can go on without her, what good am I?

My husband was in a band called Youngdragonz band. He has videos on youtube. He was their bass player until he fell ill so any videos up until 2014 he was in them. I used to perform with him sometimes, singing. I'm not that great at it but I loved doing it because of him. Now, that he's gone, I don't ever want to be on stage again. It's a cruel world without him. 

It's every single time, I wake up from my sleep, I feel that reality that you're speaking of. No one understands when I say I'm not feeling too great. They'll still ask me like what's bothering me as if, I'm supposed to be a jolly soul by now. They don't know what it feels like to lose something so dear to me and my daughter. To see her struggle with the desire to have him home, kills me. He was our world and vice versa. The day I placed my hands on his chest to feel for his heart beat like I normally do whenever he returns home from going out or anything, there was nothing. Absolute silence. It was nothing but pitch black and silence in my world. That was how I wanted the entire universe to be at that time. I know it's selfish but it was like no matter how anyone is mourning his loss, I felt that there was still a glimpse of light in their life and mine was snuffed out completely.

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Too good to be true...

It feels like the universe has to balance everything. Like Newtons law. For every feeling we have that is of total elation, happiness, contentment and love, we must also feel pain, suffering, and agony. I was blissfully happy with my girlfriend. She was far from perfect, we certainly disagreed...and this actually made me feel even better. She was not fake, romance novel perfect. She was imperfect.......and I loved it.

I now must pay the price. I was too happy, too overjoyed. What goes up must come down. This grief is the same intensity as my happiness and love, but it's the opposite - pain, heartache, hopelessness, sadness.

My girlfriend had a rough life. She was bullied in school, and had a lot of self esteem issues early on. She told me on more than one occasion that my love for her, my obvious genuine concern for her brought something to her life, pulled her back from the canyon of depression. She had a lot of negative feelings growing up, and nature balanced that by bringing us together so I could offer her my love and compassion. She left the world happy. She was loving life. 

If I had a chance to erase the last 6 years of my life and do it all over, would I date her again? Absolutely. Without question. Not only was I happy, but so was she. I brought something to her life that nobody else could. I would never deny her that joy. 

 

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14 hours ago, Chasisdope said:

My husband was in a band called Youngdragonz band. He has videos on youtube. He was their bass player until he fell ill so any videos up until 2014 he was in them. I used to perform with him sometimes, singing.

I looked it up, very good!  

Music seems a surefire way to emotional connection.  I guess that's why it's so hard now, they aren't here and the emotion it evokes now is pain.

13 hours ago, fzald said:

She was imperfect.......and I loved it.

None of us are, but our relationship, our connection seemed perfect and he was the perfect one for me, imperfections and all, I love him.

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I feel infinitesimally better today. It was still a chore to wake up in the morning and face the day, but I'm here at work and actually got something done, unlike the other days I've been here where I just sit and stare at her desk and cry. 

I'm still as sad as ever. I'm still having a hard time accepting the finality of the situation, that she will never, ever again be here with me in the flesh in this lifetime. I still have found myself thinking about my own mortality and sometimes even wishing I could still join her. I find a little peace at night, but I think it's only because I know that for the next 8-10 hours I can shut down and not face the world. 

It has today been 3 weeks since I last saw my girlfriend in person, when she was still alive, happy and well, still gracing the world with her gifts. 

And I still don't know how to face the next 10, 20, 30, 50 years without her. I've barely made it to this point, and I'd argue my sanity is questionable if existent at all...

The wake was one week ago today, and the funeral was only 6 days ago, so I know it hasn't been very long. I am now fighting with myself - I want and need to grieve, but I also want and need to move forward somehow. The fact is that I want to move forward. I just don't know how to do it. I just don't know how to be OK, how to accept the loss, how to deal with this world without her.

I still get hit by the fact  that she was so young. It's easy for me to say this but I almost feel like it'd be the tiniest bit easier if she had been in her 60s, 50s even, because at least then we'd have had a full life together and would have accomplished and done many of the things we wanted. 22? That's just not fair. It's not fair to me or any of the other people she is survived by, but it's not fair to HER. What 22 year old, especially one who was happy, cheerful, helpful to everyone around her and loving her life, deserves to die suddenly?????

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Yes, my husband flaws worked out well with mine which made us perfect for each other despite the age difference. He was always the mature one thinking things through. He'll always tell me to grow up as I'm the childish one sometimes throwing fits because I don't get my way. Oh how I miss him. I hate that he is gone. I don't think I can ever be whole again until we meet again. I strongly feel that there is life after death and by the time we get there I hope that we'll realize how short this life is no matter how long it took me to get there. 

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I'm sorry

My love, I am so sorry. I am sorry you had to be taken from us. I am sorry that a life as amazing as yours, as full of energy and possibility as yours, was taken from the world. I am sorry, even though it's not my fault, because I love you. 

You were everything to me. You offered and gave me a relationship that I could never have imagined existed. Everything you did, you did with a kind heart. Even in my darkest moments, your love shone through and kept me afloat. Even when you were hurting, when the pain ran so deep for you that you didn't think you could take it, you were still giving me love. Even when I wasn't deserving of it at times, you gave me love. 

I'm sorry that you were taken from the world so young. I'm sorry that you will never get to experience all the things you so excitedly dreamed of. I'm sorry that you won't get to travel the world and see the places you wanted to. I'm sorry you won't be able to get that big, better job you were aiming for. I'm sorry you won't ever know the joy of your - our - wedding, raising a family, or growing old together here in this world. I'm sorry that you were taken from those you love most - not just me, but your family, your friends, and everyone around you whose lives you touched and brightened.

You were a true embodiment of happiness and love. You gave selflessly even when you were in pain. You were always the first to jump up and offer a helping hand to anyone in need. You gave even to those who didn't deserve it. You didn't deserve what you got. You didn't deserve to be taken away at such a young age. You didn't deserve to be yanked away so suddenly, so quickly. You deserved everything you ever wanted. Not this.

I weep for me and my loss, I weep for us, but most of all, my love, I weep for you. I weep for everything you will never get to experience here. I grieve the loss of your life, and what the world has lost because of your absence. I grieve for everyone around me - friends, family, co-workers - for all of us, the entire world, has lost a beautiful soul. 

Maybe you're watching down from above. Maybe you're trying to tell me, and everyone else, that it's OK. But I'm still sorry. Maybe someday I will reunite with you, in a better place, and maybe then I will understand. But for now, my love, I am sorry. Please know that I would never have wanted this for you. I wanted you to live. I wanted you to survive, to live on, to chase your dreams, to live life to the fullest. I wanted the world for you. I'm sorry I couldn't give it to you.

 

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Today has been possibly my worst day. I slept for 13 hours last night, have only been up for about 9 hours and am tired again.

I spent most of the day just sitting on my couch reading anything I could find online about grieving and loss, especially from sudden death. Nothing is making me feel any better at all. Even getting up and moving around a bit didn't help. I just keep thinking of her, and how she should be here with me this weekend, spending time together, not gone forever.

I don't know what to do to even start to feel better.

extremely bad day. 

How does anyone live through this????

My mom suggested I should write a book, a memoir, about our relationship. It might be a good idea. 

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29 minutes ago, fzald said:

How does anyone live through this????

Honestly, I don't know.  One day at a time.  It isn't easy.

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30 minutes ago, fzald said:

My mom suggested I should write a book, a memoir, about our relationship. It might be a good idea.

That might be a good way to put your energy, if you can do it.

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I wrote about this on another thread, but I'll also discuss it here on my own.

I looked into details on the specifics of how my girlfriend passed away. The thing that I discovered was that her condition, and what ultimately led to her death, are almost always caused by one of two things: a severe traumatic brain injury, something external (not what happened), or a hereditary condition in which there are weakened blood vessels in the brain. Additionally, those who do survive an event tend to be at very, very high risk for a second one, even with the medical team being aware of the condition and even if regular scans are conducted. The fact that it may not take much to cause the hemorrhage, something as simple as straining on the toilet, sneezing, high stress, or even sex, means she was likely a very high risk to begin with.

Strangely, this knowledge brings me just a tiny, tiny, tiny amount of comfort. Because it means that there need not be any guilt or anger. It doesn't matter what she did or didn't do. It sounds like, as sad and depressing as this may be, that this might just have been her destiny, even though she never knew it. I even found an article where a lady wrote about her fiance who survived one brain hemorrhage, only to die of a second one a few months later - and this was with regular scans and the medical team being fully aware it was possible.

If her condition was indeed hereditary, it sounds like there's not much that can be done. Weakened blood vessels are a really tough thing. If you're aware of aneurysms or specific areas in the brain with problems you can possibly fix those specific areas, but it's not like you can coat the entire brain's worth of blood vessels in some kind of protective material. Even if she had made it, she may have looked forward to a life of regular brain surgeries, or like the article I read, simply passing on a little bit later...

This brings me a little relief from anger towards her, and a little relief from guilt - it was obviously not her fault and nothing she did or didn't do would have changed this. However, I still do feel guilty that we didn't live more of life while she was alive. I wish I'd had the chance to actually marry her. I wish I'd had the chance to travel more places with her. I wish she'd been able to accomplish everything in life she wanted to. And above all, I still miss her, more than anything I've ever missed in my entire life. Even if I was told that she could come back but it'd only be for a month, a week, even a day, I'd give anything in a heartbeat for that chance, just to see her once more, to say everything I want to say to her, to hear her own words of guidance for me, to hear her say one more time how much she loves me and how much of a difference I made in her life...

Sometimes knowledge like this helps just a tiny bit, because you can release some of your pent up feelings. But it doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't mean you'll miss them any less, or yearn for them any less. And that's me right now. I'm not angry anymore. I'm feeling a little less guilty. But, I'm still sad, missing her like crazy, and wondering... Why was it so easy for her? Why did she get to just pass on to this wonderful place of happiness and no pain that we all hear about, while I must sit here in this world and suffer for who knows how long? She left this world doing something she loved to do. I don't love doing anything anymore. How am I supposed to live without her, even if I will see her again someday???

edit: I just spent an hour looking over my own journalling from the past few years. I wrote a lot about her. The weird thing is, reading my old entries almost makes me feel better, but I think it's for the wrong reason. Like, it feels like she's still here. Like this is just a horrible bad dream. I worry that doing too much of this is only going to firmly plant me in the past, in a world of longing and desperation. What do you guys do? Do you go through the memories vividly, or do you put it away for another day? I worry that I might be using our past as a crutch to avoid grieving...

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