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Girlfriend died at age 22. Totally devastated.


fzald

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Numb and Lost,

11 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I feel like some of y'all seem stronger than me.

You have "unresolved business" and that's why you're feeling as you do.  We aren't any stronger, it's just that we got to declare our feelings and live it and you didn't get the chance to fully express to each other all that you felt and wished.  Try to take it on faith that it really did exist and that death does nothing to change that, and that this is not the end, this is but a pause in time...a time we live by faith knowing we'll be together again.

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Numb and Lost, You will be OK. Time and patience helps with the evolving of the grieving. You are always going to miss him and love him. It will just be under the surface of whatever you do in your life. He would want you to keep on living your life and raising your children. Someday, you will be able to look at the past with a smile and be able to say, he loved me before he went to Heaven.

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Numb and Lost

I hope so. I hope that they are able to think about us still in heaven. That's is the hardest thing for me. When we weren't seeing each other at times it made me happy just knowing he was thinking about me. I knew he was. Now I don't know. It feels so differently than when others I have know passed away. I still sort of feel his existence sometimes it just feels so far away. 

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Numb and Lost, I know this is hard on you, as it is for all of us. Our loved ones are no longer physically here, but I feel that they are in spirit form,capable of seeing and hearing us. They are always going to be with us. The relationship you had with him still exists, the bond of love will always be there. I understand that feeling of distance, the longer time moves forward. It is just a feeling though, and evolves into one of peace. The bond we have with them never goes away.

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it's true, the only thing that really changed was his body died, the rest of him lives still, he remembers you, they still love us.  We are so tied up with the physical life that's why it feels so far away to you, we aren't existing merely in spirit form, we are still physical beings.

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Numb and Lost

(Christian view point) I think about that story in the Bible when they see Jesus talking with Moses and Elijah they knew who they were despite them having died long long before. Just seeing them they knew who they were. I like that story because it to me it means they are still recognizable, and even recognizable to people that had not seen them before. So maybe all the things I didn't get to tell him he knows now anyway because we have a higher level of understanding and knowing when we die. Another verse comes to mind the one that says we will know even as we know ourselves.  So many things we don't know and won't know until it's our time, all we can do is imagine. I appreciate y'all. I don't have much of an outlet other than here <3

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Good point!  And I don't think anyone here minds it being a Christian viewpoint, just on the other site we have to be careful. :)

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Hello everyone.

I posted a new thread, because there's been a new chapter in my grief that has complicated matters. But I did want to give an update for those who are still around (I see a few familiar names still floating around).

I first want to apologize for falling off the face of the earth so to speak. Around mid-April - my girl's birthday - of 2017, about three months after she passed, I started to see the light. It was almost like her birthday was a turning point. I had many dreams of her, almost all of them positive and her saying she loves me. I even had a dream involving a vast, open, glamorous space and she came to me to say she was happy and OK, and hugged me. That happened around the same time, and it was when I started to feel a little lighter. I think part of why I stopped coming here was that I was afraid of "falling back down" from the progress I was making. 

I've never forgotten about her of course. Every day, I think of her in some capacity. I still speak of her regularly. I still remember all of the good times we shared. I still think of all of the things she said and did with and for me. Memories are the one thing we get to keep with us forever until the day when we join them on the other side.

Since she passed, I've completed my Bachelor's and Master's degrees and have begun a PhD program. Through all my efforts, I still think of her, and I often find myself thinking that I'm doing it "for her" or "in her honor/memory". She dreamed of being an academic as well, and we were hoping to continue our studies together, and I sometimes feel like I'm getting to live the life we wanted for us. It's bittersweet - I'm experiencing everything I know she wanted to experience, and that's part of why I do everything with her in memory. It reminds me of Rose and Jack from Titanic - she lived her life so fully but never forgot him, and even did many of the things he and her had planned to do together.

Through all this, my mental state kept improving, and by mid-2017 I was back on my feet. I was not "happy" but I was "OK" again. I didn't pray for morning not to come or wish to stay in bed all day. I didn't cry every time I thought of her. By Thanksgiving 2017, I felt well enough to actually open up the "memory box" I had - our photos, videos, etc. I shed a few tears, but mostly smiled remembering her. I spoke to her, saying I wished she was still here to live this life with me together, but that someday I'd join her and we'd finally be together forever. I even went as far as saying to forgive me if I ever do find another relationship (I wasn't actively looking of course) and that she would never lose the place she had within me. 

The reason I'm back though is because I'm sort of back in the well, for a different reason. You can look at the other thread for the details, but I have reason to believe my GF might have been unfaithful near the end of her life. The evidence is admittedly weak, and many of my friends and my family all believe the person who claims to have been with her is lying and is just playing out a fantasy and/or jealously lashing out at me. But you can't close the box once it's opened. The question has been posed. The horses have left the barn. There's no way for me to "forget" that another man asserts that he dated and had sex with my girlfriend multiple times in the last two months of her life.

Some of the facts don't add up - the fact that it was actually a guy I knew who my girl actually introduced me to and whom with I was forming a friendship, and the fact that he first asserted they were dating earlier then later changed the story and gave an exact date on which I did know my girl had seen her friend. The problem is the facts are also eerily joining together in a disturbing way - it's beyond a reasonable doubt that it actually might have happened. My GF was asking me detailed hypothetical questions about cheating and sex outside of a relationship right around this time, posing the question as "asking based on something a friend is going through", and also she did seem to visit the guy rather often (but of course I believed it was friendship as she said). The other guy said that my girl actually said she does not like me that way and that I'm obsessed and trying to be with her, and that she's available. However, to me, my GF had volunteered at the time that she was definitely never going to be with "a guy like that" and "I hope you're not upset that he flirts with me, just know I don't feel that way about him and I don't react."

I really, really want to believe what my friends say - that it's most likely this guy is a nut case and was jealous of my relationship with her and has been seething ever since, and finally getting the chance to stick it to me was the goal. Believe me, I REALLY want that to be the case. I had no other indications that my GF might have been cheating - she actually spent more time with me near the end, enough that I had noticed she and I seemed to be getting even closer. We were definitely making love during the time period this guy asserts he was with her. And everyone around me says it was so obvious that she was deeply in love with me. But I can't shake the question. I wish I could. I wish I could have never heard what I heard. Even if it did happen, this is one case of "ignorance is bliss" being more true than ever - I could have gone my whole life without ever even having this suggested, and I would have been fine. But now I feel like I'm starting down the grief path once again, and I'm scared. I have a lot going on right now - school, work, etc - I don't want to be grieving again. I don't want to be depressed and out-of-it and struggling to function again. But if I force myself to believe that it never happened, that fear and question will just simmer and eventually come up in some other way - perhaps, if I end up dating again, I'll have deep trust issues? 

Man, I'm rambling, but again I'm sorry I left for a while, but I hope those who are still here and all the new ones are doing well, and I will try to stay at least a little more active now. This forum was a huge help to me the first time around, giving me a place to just talk and write nonsense until I couldn't type anymore, and actually have people read and respond to it. It was and is extremely comforting and helpful. Thank you all.

 

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On 10/7/2019 at 11:39 AM, fzald said:

my GF had volunteered at the time that she was definitely never going to be with "a guy like that" and "I hope you're not upset that he flirts with me, just know I don't feel that way about him and I don't react."

IF the facts don't line up with what he's asserted to you, that tells you something.

IF you never had reason to doubt her, then believe what she said.

IF you have reason to believe he has an ulterior motive in making this up, that says something right there.

Don't doubt her purely on what someone said allegedly happened.  Odd that he's telling you this now when she's not here to defend herself.

I'm sorry you're going through all this.

A year after my George died, his ex called to talk to him, of course I had to tell her he was dead.  The fact that a year went by and she didn't know if he was dead or alive told me something...they weren't in close contact.  BUT she knew the vehicle he drove (which was actually my truck, and we no longer had it by the time he died).  She told me he loved me and talked about me all the time, but after he'd moved here, he'd needed a friend and she'd been a long time friend...during that time I was working and he was waiting for college to start so he was home alone a lot for 2 1/2 months.  At first I was really upset that he'd gone to see her (two hours away) and not told me.  But I also realized he knew I wouldn't approve of his seeing her alone, just because it wasn't a good idea (they'd once been engaged) so he just decided not to tell me.  I'd have felt better if he had.  But people sometimes keep secrets for reasons known only to them.  And sometimes we learn of these secrets after they die.  And then is when the challenge is, trying to figure out what's real, what isn't...I did make my peace with it, I know he loved me, I know he would never intentionally hurt me, and that he wasn't "cheating" on me in the strict sense of the word.  Maybe didn't use the best judgment, but I also understood that he was going through a huge adjustment, we'd just married and it was his life that mostly turned upside down, not mine, although as anyone knows, it's a big adjustment for anyone to marry.  But long story short, I got past it and I hope you will too.  It can unleash all kinds of emotion that is a pain to deal with!

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How are you doing as of 2020? I just recently stumbled upon this thread after losing my 22 year old girlfriend of 3 years a week ago. It's helped me a lot. Please respond as I am at a point where death seems like one of the only ways I'll be able to find my peace. Please reply if you see this..

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It's been eight months since @fzald wrote here, you might want to try messaging him directly to get a response as this may not be seen.
PLEASE do not "do something" as it's important to give yourself ample time to make your way through this.  This is not a quick or easy journey, but I guarantee you, if I can survive through this, you can too.  It was 15 Father's Days ago I lost my soul mate, best friends, husband.  I didn't think I could survive a week.  We were EVERYTHING to each other!  It took us half our lives to find each other, only to lose each other 6 1/2 short years later!  I have survived.  I have learned to live alone, I have made new friends, I have built purpose into my life, I have built a life I can live...it is not like the life we had together, that is gone, I will not lie to you, but I am doing this, you can too.  Let us be here for you, please continue to come here.  A week is too soon to give this.  Please talk to @Missy1 who was feeling much the same as you and is making her way through this now, I believe she can give you hope also.

I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful in my grief journey...no one hands us a roadmap that tells us how to do this, it's so much trial and error, hit and miss, but this gives you a place to start at least...I hope SOMETHING helps you today, something else later on.  Consider dialing the suicide hotline and understand these are feelings most of us have in the beginning, where you are right now.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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There hasn't been one day I haven't thought of him.  No new love but then I'm not looking, I'm almost 68, I've been through a lot in my life, I am very independent...I don't think there's another like him that adores me and doesn't try to change me, we fit together so well.  If I was younger perhaps...there was a time I wanted that.  Now it's just me and my puppy.  I don't close my mind to the possibility, I just think it highly unlikely.  I live in the country, it'd have to be a miracle and I already had one of those!

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On 2/2/2017 at 10:53 AM, fzald said:

It makes me so sad reading this. The love of my life died suddenly 3 months ago. I am completely shattered and broken behind this. It's only getting worse. I see no light at the end of this. I just don't understand. I am so sooo heartbroken. Most days, I feel like I am going to die from the pain. And what makes me most sad, is that he hasn't come to me in my dream yet. I so very hope it happens one day. I hope it makes sense if or when he does. I'm drowning in pain and sorrow. Please tell me this pain will ease? :(

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had a dream of her.

We were out shopping together, and she and I were having a typical conversation. The weird part is, in this dream, I was actually aware that she had a medical concern that could likely threaten her life. In the dream, I kept asking her over and over to listen to me because I had to tell her something, I wanted to urge her to go to the hospital before anything happened. She would not let me speak, she kept interrupting and continuing our original conversation.

It feels like this dream is representing my feelings of helplessness, that there's nothing I could have done for her. Even if I had recognized a problem she may not have heeded my advice, thinking I was just overreacting.

i had actually had a dream the night before last as well, where she came into work like usual, everyone looked up, stared and cheered. I took her to the next room and explained that we had all seen her obituary and that she was gone. She laughed and said no way, she's fine and she's here. She said she was never going to forgive whoever told everyone she was dead. We hugged and kissed in the dream, telling each other we loved each other. Waking up from that dream hurt so so so bad...

My friend thinks this dream is her way of telling me she is ok and she's still with me in a way. It might be selfish but even knowing she's ok doesn't help, I want to hold her, cuddle her, kiss her, I want to go out to our favorite restaurant and have a fun long conversation like we always did, I want to walk her home, I even want to make love to her. I want everything with her and I can't have any of it.

having a tough day today mostly because of the dreams... I took half the day off and have been sitting at a friends house for a while, just letting feelings happen.

 

 

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10 hours ago, Saba said:

Please tell me this pain will ease? :(

I am so sorry for your loss, I know it's immense, beyond description.  I want to welcome you here, this is like a grief family and I'm glad you found us.  It helps to know there are others going through this.

The pain will ease a bit but oh how it takes time to get there...it's been nearly 18 years for me so I lived the whole gamut...yet it's never "over" until we draw our last breath...even so, it evolves.  It took me at LEAST 3-5 years to process my grief...

Everyone's timetable is different, we're all unique, so much factors in, I joke that even our family placement, but truly I do think even that factors in.  Our coping ability, resilience, everything...yet we can be the most resilient person in the world and it can go out the window when we're grieving.  This is unlike anything we've experienced.

I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it does help.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

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