fzald

Girlfriend died at age 22. Totally devastated.

407 posts in this topic

Solomon's Girl,  Thanks for sharing. I'm glad the book was helpful for you. I haven't gotten to that one yet. I did read Dr. Weiss's *Only Love Is Real*.  As much as that book, along with many others, gives a measure of comfort that the love bond is always there, this is still the hardest trial of our life here. I guess our individual evolution through this process, our access to resources, and the continuing love connection will help see us through.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, Solomon'sGirl said:

 

I know we are all dealing with grief differently probably and some might not believe in the book I'm going to suggest. However, it helped me tremendously. It's called Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian L. Weiss. It helped me feel and see that I'm still connected to Thad. It helped me be okay with living. It helped me see purpose. I saw things very differently, and I needed that. I still have moments and days of just annoyance that I'm here and he's not. I have to tell myself to find the good in the day. I want to find the good in the day. I want to be happy so badly. I fight being down and sad and crying. Boy do I fight it. And when my daughter is away for longer than a day, apparently that's when it's inescapable. No amount of fighting stops the tears and heartache. But what I got from the book is what helps bring me back to "okay". Maybe it will be that for you or someone else. So I had to share it. 

I will check it out. 

I know the feeling, of fighting sadness. At first, when she first died, I was nothing but sad. I had no ability to feel anything but immense depression. Yes, I had suicidal ideation and thoughts. Yes, I still wonder today why I'm here and she's not. I still wonder why she had to die, why her life had to be taken so mercilessly, so suddenly, no warning or even any time for her or anyone else to prepare. For the dying, though, honestly that's the best way. That's how I want to go, I don't want to know it's coming honestly. She had the bittersweet gift of never having knowledge her death was coming. I can only hope that will be the case for me.

Now though, I'm at least not constantly sad. I am not happy. I am not joyful. I do not look forward to most things. But I am not crying all day anymore, I am not sitting staring at the ceiling or the wall and thinking of her and shaking in panic attacks. I don't know though if I'm being avoidant of my grief. I have deliberately not looked at photos of her lately, listened to her voice in recordings and videos I have, or read our conversations. I haven't been able to do any of that, because the few times I tried to even look at a photo, all the pain and depression spilled out all over again and it took me a while to "come back".  So for now I have simply stopped looking at the physical reminders I have left of her. I still think of her every single day, every single hour, every single minute even. She is always only a single thought away. I still constantly think I need to tell her something, then remember she's gone and she's not coming back. I still struggle with the "never" part, the fact that this isn't just a temporary separation at least in this world. She's gone from this world forever, and I still struggle with that, and in turn my own feelings. I'll check the book out, hopefully it'll help.

Like you said though, I WANT to be happy again. I don't like being sad. It's not who I am, it's not my core personality. I've always been a happy, funny, laughing, high-spirited person. That is honestly one of the things that attracted my girl to me, she even said so, the fact that I conducted myself so smoothly and could find the humor in any situation, even a bad one. Those parts of my personality are still largely on vacation. I'm friendly, I talk to people, sometimes I even laugh at something someone said, but without my girl here, it's all empty. 

Do you guys think me "avoiding" the pain, by not looking at pictures etc. is actually a bad thing? Like, would it be better to do it on purpose and allow myself to feel the sadness? I don't want it to just pop back up someday. I already do have days where that consistent pain is a little stronger than usual. Days where it's a lot harder to force myself to focus and not dwell on her death. I try to take those days in stride. But, I wonder if it'd eventually help in the long run to embrace those days, maybe choose those times to look at our photos or listen to her voice, even if it does make me intensely sad? Some seem to think grief is like a bad medicine, you have to take the whole thing, you can take it now or later but somehow you will take the whole thing, so allowing yourself to be sad, even encouraging it now, will help you move through it. What do you guys think?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I wish I knew what the right answer was. But as you know there are no rules for grief and we're all doing the best we know how. We're all doing it our own way.  For me, I have pictures everywhere.  I call them my "Pat shrines". I do feel the sadness when I look at them but at the same time they keep the connection and memories alive. I also just made a Shutterfly photo book. Im so glad I made that but for some reason I do have a hard time looking at it. It really makes me cry. 

Grieve as as much as you can now. There's a guy in my grief group who lost his wife about a year and a half ago. He didn't really grieve and thought he was doing ok. But it's all hitting him hard now which is why he just joined the group. i can't imagine feeling any worse a year from now!!! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, fzald said:

Do you guys think me "avoiding" the pain, by not looking at pictures etc. is actually a bad thing?

fzald,

No there's nothing wrong with avoiding pictures.  I have put pictures up, taken them down, up, down, finally I left them up.  I don't often pour through our pictures, cards, etc., because it's hard, but when I feel like it, I do.  I have to mete it out, one can only take so much pain.  We have to allow ourselves to feel our grief, our pain in order to heal, but we don't have to continually fixate either, they call it "dosing it out" in bits we can handle.  And honestly, we do have to find what works for us and what brings us comfort, which will be different for everyone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

fzald, I feel that KayC puts the right spin on it. I cannot look at pics too much right now. But, I don't feel that i am avoiding the pain. It is rather like KayC said, *dosing it out*. What I am doing is avoiding the trigger point as far as pics. When you look at pics, you remember the whole event surrounding that pic. Not just that moment in time but the whole surrounding moments. Could be an entire day of memories around one pic. That is a lot of pain do deal with, if a moment was built into a significant big memory. Small moments, small memories, are all I can handle at this time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

On 4/12/2017 at 8:53 PM, fzald said:

Do you guys think me "avoiding" the pain, by not looking at pictures etc. is actually a bad thing? Like, would it be better to do it on purpose and allow myself to feel the sadness?

I made myself add the picture to this forum. I'm not sure why. It was during a time when I questioned if this, he, or our relationship was even real. I have a picture of him still sitting in a chair at our table. I have one in our bedroom by the mirror. I see them both everyday. I talk to him everyday. I kinda think I see the pictures as him, which might be weird. I know I'm still struggling with the finality of this. I can't watch videos or hear his voice. It hurts too much and I cry. I really am trying to get away from the sadness, the grief. I've actually wondered the same as you.. do I make myself watch the videos and cry or will I be ok if I just shut them out? I don't think I'll always shut them out. I think I'll want to watch them one day and actually be able to. I just know I can't and don't want to now. All that to say, I agree with KayC. 

On 4/12/2017 at 8:53 PM, fzald said:

I don't like being sad. It's not who I am, it's not my core personality. I've always been a happy, funny, laughing, high-spirited person. That is honestly one of the things that attracted my girl to me, she even said so, the fact that I conducted myself so smoothly and could find the humor in any situation, even a bad one.

I can relate to this. He loved that I laughed my way through life. I've done the best I can at being the old me while at work and around the kids. I try to be that way with friends. But when I'm alone, I'm incredibly uneasy, distraught. There's a calm in me when I'm being a mom, friend, employee. I have a purpose. When I'm alone I have to fight to remind myself of a purpose.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/12/2017 at 2:02 PM, KMB said:

Solomon's Girl,  Thanks for sharing. I'm glad the book was helpful for you. I haven't gotten to that one yet. I did read Dr. Weiss's *Only Love Is Real*.  As much as that book, along with many others, gives a measure of comfort that the love bond is always there, this is still the hardest trial of our life here. I guess our individual evolution through this process, our access to resources, and the continuing love connection will help see us through.

I have that book, too. I haven't read it yet. I have 3 books by him. All purchased after the accident because I was desperately trying to find a way to connect to Thad. This is absolutely the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Solomon'sGirl, The connection is always going to be there. I feel we just tend to forget when the emotions get the best of us. They see and hear us. Which is why I talk to my husband a lot. They communicate while we sleep. I only sleep for an hour or two, so I don't remember. There are days though when I get up and feel calmer, steadier. Maybe my husband is giving me pep talks and words of comfort that is in my subconscious. I will be with him again, it is just a matter of when. Just trying to make it through until that time..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Years ago I read a post in a forum that was so good, I wish I'd printed it out.  The person who wrote the article was knowledgeable about brains.  They explained that there are different kinds of memory and ones associated with senses bring a strong emotional connection with it that remembers that memory is a strong way.  That's why a sight, sound, smell, can bring with it a trigger to another time associated with that sight, sound or smell.  The same can be true for pictures.  These memories are "saved" differently in our brain and when we recall them, it takes us right back to the time and place with instant recall. ( I wish I had the post because it explained it better.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

KayC, That is so true. Our minds are an amazing, complex organ that operates the whole of us.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I FOUND IT!!  I did a lot of searching, the original post was in marriagebuilders.com written by Mark1952 but apparently in 2008 there was a major crash and his thread was gone.  I enlisted the help of a techie friend and he found the same article posted in 2011 by Mark1952 at another site marriageadvocates.com under different heading, Emotional Memory Management - Dealing with Triggers, here it is:
(It's posted in segments but I found it worthy of reading)
http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/topics/68398/Re_Managing_the_Emotions_of_Ou

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I can't put into words how I feel. I don't even know how I feel. I just feel empty. I'm living and I even laugh at things sometimes but there is just a constant cloud of emptiness over my life and feelings that I can never resolve. Like you Fzald, I'm better than I was but I don't feel joyful or look forward to anything. My worst moments are still in the car when I'm alone. Sometimes I try to push through and push him out of my mind until I just can't do it anymore, and then I absorb myself in his pictures and anything else that makes me feel connected to him. If I do have moments that I'm laughing or moments of "happiness" I suddenly remember why I can't be happy. It isn't that I feel guilty about being happy or anything like that. It is truly that I remember in that moment he is gone forever. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't see how people ever return to a normal life and feel anything again after this. I feel like no matter how well I function, even if I am going about as business as usual every moment of it is done with immense pain in the background. Behind every fake smile is unending despair. I just feel like nothing matters like and it's just over for me. I just can't accept that I won't ever see him again and just continue on with any enjoyment of life. I know that I will NEVER feel that again, and it was never even really mine when I did feel it. It's hard to live after having felt that and to lose it before I even understood or made sense of it. I feel like I just want to stay in bed and curl up in a ball and die. 

Numb, 

I feel exactly this way. It will be 3 weeks on Monday and all i do is count the days without him and keep thinking about how i will ever be happy or even truly enjoy anything without him. I have read so many posts to try and have some hope but all i think is how can i make it that far? This is so painful, devastating, i can't see getting through it... I'm praying for you..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Cat, back up, try not to think about the future, stay in today, it is enough to deal with.  That's how we get through this, one day at a time.  Then tomorrow we get up and do it all over again.  It is when we try to think ahead too far that we are daunted and it invites anxiety.  I can do today.  
Beyond that, I can't go there.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/14/2017 at 1:32 PM, KayC said:

I FOUND IT!!  I did a lot of searching, the original post was in marriagebuilders.com written by Mark1952 but apparently in 2008 there was a major crash and his thread was gone.  I enlisted the help of a techie friend and he found the same article posted in 2011 by Mark1952 at another site marriageadvocates.com under different heading, Emotional Memory Management - Dealing with Triggers, here it is:
(It's posted in segments but I found it worthy of reading)
http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/topics/68398/Re_Managing_the_Emotions_of_Ou

Very interesting, and it makes sense. I'm glad you found this. Thanks for sharing KayC

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

KayC, Thank you for sharing the link. Made sense on how our memory system works and how we can modify what we choose to.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/15/2017 at 8:28 AM, Cat said:

I don't see how people ever return to a normal life and feel anything again after this. I feel like no matter how well I function, even if I am going about as business as usual every moment of it is done with immense pain in the background. Behind every fake smile is unending despair. I just feel like nothing matters like and it's just over for me. I just can't accept that I won't ever see him again and just continue on with any enjoyment of life. I know that I will NEVER feel that again, and it was never even really mine when I did feel it. It's hard to live after having felt that and to lose it before I even understood or made sense of it. I feel like I just want to stay in bed and curl up in a ball and die. 

Numb, 

I feel exactly this way. It will be 3 weeks on Monday and all i do is count the days without him and keep thinking about how i will ever be happy or even truly enjoy anything without him. I have read so many posts to try and have some hope but all i think is how can i make it that far? This is so painful, devastating, i can't see getting through it... I'm praying for you..

Thank you, I certainly need all the prayers I can get. I will pray for you too. It has almost been four months for me. I am better than I was in the very beginning. I can eat somewhat normal now and I'm not crying every second of the day. I still have suffocating moments of sadness and complete break down. There hasn't been a day that I have not cried at all. I am not myself anymore.  I really loved life. I loved doing all kinds of things and just had an enthusiasm for life. Now I just feel a constant overcasting cloud of depression no matter what I'm doing. I don't think I could ever be the person I once was after all of this. For me what hurts me the most still is the unresolved feelings and questions. I don't understand why I loved (still love) someone so much I wasn't meant to have. I question how he really felt about me more and more the longer he is gone. He just seems farther away with each passing day. I wish I would have asked him to tell me exactly how he felt. We had been planning to see each other in the next few days and I was looking forward to it so much. I feel like I'm still living in December sometimes. I'm still looking forward to seeing him, whenever that may be. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/17/2017 at 8:18 AM, Numb and Lost said:

I don't understand why I loved (still love) someone so much I wasn't meant to have.

I don't know that there IS a "why".  I don't know that life is "planned out" so much as stuff happens randomly to us that we have to deal with, so it doesn't always make sense.  At least that's how it seems to me.

Why do you question how he felt about you just because he died?  He didn't remove himself from you, he died, he had no control over that.  It seems it must be based on your own insecurity rather than anything he said or did or you would have questioned it before.  I still think a counselor would be of help to you.  It's true for all of us that they can seem more distant the farther time goes, but then again, love doesn't die with the body so what we had still exists, we just can't talk it over like we used to be able to.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't know that there IS a "why".  I don't know that life is "planned out" so much as stuff happens randomly to us that we have to deal with, so it doesn't always make sense.  At least that's how it seems to me.

Why do you question how he felt about you just because he died?  He didn't remove himself from you, he died, he had no control over that.  It seems it must be based on your own insecurity rather than anything he said or did or you would have questioned it before.  I still think a counselor would be of help to you.  It's true for all of us that they can seem more distant the farther time goes, but then again, love doesn't die with the body so what we had still exists, we just can't talk it over like we used to be able to.

I question it because of the situation. We didn't really talk about it because it's like that made the guilt worse I guess. I start to question was it just lust for him, and stuff like that. In my heart I know it wasn't because I know how he acted around me but we just didn't talk about it. I thought I hadn't all the time in the world to ask and tell him just how I felt. I was even planning to when I was going to see him in the next few days. I talked to one of my close friends about it and she said she didn't think someone would keep coming back over five years if it was only lust and if there weren't deep feelings there. There was an undeniable crazy chemistry between us like nothing else from the day we met. I have NEVER felt anything like it and I'm sure I never will. Those feelings never faded either even after years. I just could never put into words what he means to me. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Numb and Lost said:

I talked to one of my close friends about it and she said she didn't think someone would keep coming back over five years if it was only lust and if there weren't deep feelings there.

I agree, I think it was a connection but because he had a family he wasn't free to act upon it the way he would have had he been free to do so.  But that doesn't mean the connection is lost just because he died.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you KayC.

I just feel like he's so far away. I feel like I can't remember what it felt like for him to be here because the pain is so great that's all I can feel. I can't put the feeling into words. I try to tell myself for a few minutes that it isn't true just so I can imagine how it would feel if weren't and I can't. I just have this feeling that I can't describe. I feel so lost and confused. A little earlier in the day I was doing okay but then I've been walking around randomly crying the past few hours. When it all hits it just hurts so much. Sometimes I'll turn the radio on and then all of a sudden I just hate it and turn it down quickly and I just get nauseated. I don't know how people have a meaningful life after this. The pain is just so bad. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I don't know how people have a meaningful life after this.

I don't know about meaningful.  I have settled, I guess, just to continue with life and embrace what good there is and try and make it through the rest.  You have children, that is to be embraced!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 15/03/2017 at 1:24 PM, KayC said:

 

Numb and Lost

I am really sorry to read you keep having setbacks - they just keep coming don't they.  It's emotionally demanding and tiring trying to fight against the reality all the time. I am definitely a changed person and not for the better.  A fair while has passed now I'm thinking, do you think the reality is sinking in a bit deeper and making you feel even worse? I know what you feel about meaningful.  As long as you have your children you have not lost everything even though I imagine it feels that way. I'm sending you compassion.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/22/2017 at 6:39 AM, Zara19 said:

Numb and Lost

I am really sorry to read you keep having setbacks - they just keep coming don't they.  It's emotionally demanding and tiring trying to fight against the reality all the time. I am definitely a changed person and not for the better.  A fair while has passed now I'm thinking, do you think the reality is sinking in a bit deeper and making you feel even worse? I know what you feel about meaningful.  As long as you have your children you have not lost everything even though I imagine it feels that way. I'm sending you compassion.

Thank you Zara. I guess reality sets in more and more as time goes by. In the beginning I felt like I needed to do something. I didn't know what exactly but just felt there was just something. I wanted to try and contact a friend of his or something. I messaged a family member just saying I was a friend and sending condolences just to see if she might knows something. Now I feel even that was a mistake. It's just I was grasping for anything I could cling to. Now that feeling has settled and I know there is nothing that could make this better. I would still love to have something of his or talk to someone that might have known about me but I don't feel a need to seek it out. Its not like it would change things. I just commented the other day that I had stopped waking up with those few seconds  of forgetting he was gone. But then last night I dreamed that I was talking to him and he told me he had cancer and only had three months to live. I was very distressed in my dream and I woke up with a millisecond of relief that it was only a dream before remembering reality was actually worse than that. He was already gone and there wasn't warning or a goodbye. I feel like I must be either the weakest person ever or I just love so deeply, maybe both. I feel like some of y'all seem stronger than me. He just meant so much to me and I can never tell him and I can never ask what I meant to him. He is always always always on my mind. I looked at a picture of his family and as much as I love him seeing that picture of his wife and kids without him just broke me down so much. I don't think at 3 the youngest will even remember him and that hurts my heart so much. He had so much love for his kids. It all hurts. I feel like I just have a constant overshadow of sadness no matter what I'm doing. I can be doing daily chores, working etc and all of a sudden I just recall a memory and see his smiling face and I don't know how I can ever be okay. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now