fzald

Girlfriend died at age 22. Totally devastated.

345 posts in this topic

10 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I always felt like I met him for a reason. When I tried to resist it I ran into him again and again in the most odd of places. So I felt like we had to be drawn to each other for some reason. I always felt that so strongly. I thought maybe at some point later in the future it would be right somehow even if we had to end up parting ways in what was our current situation. (We parted ways a few times but just couldn't seem to keep it that way) I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm so confused. My hope is that my feelings were right and that I did meet him for a reason and maybe I won't understand it until I die. I hope maybe at that time I can have some sort of relationship to him that is special in some way. I'm just not strong enough for this. It just hurts too much. I just don't even know what to feel anymore. I don't feel like I even know who I am. I wake up in the morning and besides things that have to be done I don't know what to do with myself. I look at pictures of him and that makes me sad but I'm just as sad if I don't look. He was just so full of life and had such a big heart it just doesn't seem like he could be gone. His kids need him, and it is all just ripping my heart to shreds. 

I pray you can find some peace instead of confusion.  You can cling to your beliefs while still valuing the good you had with him, that still remains even if they die physically.

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I firmly believe that my girl coming into my life was not an accident. They say that every tragedy is the start of a new beginning.

When I broke up with my girlfriend back in 2009, it crushed me. I was a wreck. I grieved hard. I thought my life was over. I felt many of the same things I do now, but differently, because she was still out there and alive. I hoped and prayed for a second chance with her. It didn't happen. After about six months of agony I started to pull out of it. I slowly found little joys again. I still hoped for another chance but less so than I did at first. 

After a year and a half of being single, I started to become interested in dating again. I tried a couple dates but nothing went well. But just at the right time, my girl showed up in my life. She gave me a new outlook, a reason to try again. I was hesitant, but she truly was there exactly when I needed her. She opened my heart again. Not just opened it, but warmed it, nurtured it and embraced it. I loved like I never loved before.

My life worked out just right, she came into my life at the right moment, and I came into hers at the right moment as well. I truly believe we were meant to be together. 

I cant accept that nature, god, whatever, took her away on purpose. The best I can do is think that what was intended for us was painfully and horribly cut short, and that I actually was intended to be with her until we grew old. Her physical body gave up but her spirit wasn't ready to give up. 

Rough morning again. I can find a little peace in the evenings sometimes but mornings are when I just want to curl up and die. I still don't know how to get past that. Each day I have to spend without her is another day of pain and misery. I don't want to keep feeling this way every day. It is so tiring and so exhausting and makes me want to just give up.

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Thank you KayC. Fzald I think one reason mornings are the worst, besides the nanosecond of denial, is we know we have the whole day ahead of us to face the pain. There is nothing that we want to do as there used to be. We just sit or lay most of the day trying to continuously work through this thing that can't be worked out. The counselor told me they start to worry when someone is still in this state at 6 months. Well I am pretty sure not much will change in how I feel in 3 months from now. 

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Numb and lost - There is no textbook timeframe for our grief. I'm surprised a counselor said that about the six months  Im at the 2 and a half month mark and I can't imagine feeling much better at 6 months   I can't imagine being without him for 6 months   Scary thought. I don't want to think that far ahead.

Yes, mornings are rough. That's when I do most of my crying. If not when I first wake up, then it hits me in the shower.   But today I had a huge trigger. Went for a long walk and stopped at a coffee shop for a frozen drink. A little treat to make me feel better. I sat there and watched all the people coming and going. Then noticed a couple in line and they gave each other a quick little kiss. That did it. The tears just came. I couldn't control it. It reminded me of how happy Pat and I were together doing anything, even waiting in line.  We would often give each other little kisses like that. Will I ever be able to be "normal" out in the real world????

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I did some work on a project tonight. Mostly to try to at least temporarily distract myself from this pain. I feel pain 24/7, I feel like a little respite shouldn't Be much to ask.....

I got a few things done. Stuff that was actually fun and accomplished. And as soon as I was done, I crashed deeper all over again. I just wished I could tell her about it, show her what I accomplished, share in the tiny little everyday successes. 

I have to work tomorrow. Right now I feel semi OK. But I know the morning will again bring pain and suffering. Going to sleep is a treat but it comes with a price. I wish I could just wake up without feeling so down and depressed. It's so painful to wake every day and not want to face the day. I can't even force myself out of bed some days and end up calling in or one time I just didn't show up. It's horrible.

why is it so much to ask, to just be a little level for a while without crashing and paying dearly for any respite? 

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I feel the same way, that George and I met definitely for a reason.  We were soul mates, looking for each other long before we knew of the other's existence.  Almost like there was an awareness that the other person had to be out there somewhere.  And when we met, we knew.

I also don't think God "took him from me".  Life or should I say death, seems rather random when you think about it.  One gets to live one day, another 100 years.  They talk about average life expectancy for males...he definitely got gypped if you take that as a given.  But the truth is, none of us have a guarantee of a certain number of years here, regardless of average life spans.  Throw the numbers away, they don't mean anything, at least we can't count on them.  Here I am, 12 years later, Lord only knows how long I'll have to go it alone, but this one thing I know:  I WILL be with him again!  Someone asked in another thread, how do we have faith?  That's a hard one to answer, I guess that's why I didn't try to there.  But the Bible says we start with faith the size of a mustard seed...that is really small.  Faith, like anything else, takes practice, exercise, to grow.  Start with the size of a mustard seed and go from there.  Just believe.  Believe what you want and grow it.  If that doesn't make sense, I'm sorry, it's a hard one to explain.  I believe with what I know in my heart to be true.  Each one has to believe for themselves.  We might all believe differently, that's okay, what's important is it's what keeps us going.  Give yourself hope, belief, faith, it's the greatest gift we can possess.

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Eight weeks ago today, at 8:18 AM, my girlfriend left me an audio message. It said "Hey, remember to ask if we're going to be on the new project. Talk to you later!"

It is the last message I will ever receive from her. 

Details have slowly trickled in, but it sounds like she left me that message while she was eating breakfast. Only a couple hours later, she would pass out, never to awaken again. People who were with her said that her last actual words were "I feel dizzy."

I still can't believe it. I still can't fully take it in. A life can end so quickly with no warning. In some ways, she got a gift. The gift of not knowing it's coming, of being able to live until the very end without having to think about her own death, worry about it, deal with putting things in order. She lived until her last moment, without even an inkling of a hint that her last moment was coming.

I have always said I wish for a quick, painless death in which I don't know it's coming. I used to think of the people in 9/11, who had a few moments to call their loved ones to say goodbye. Or those people who are in a hostage situation and have some period of time where they know their life could end at any second. The awareness of death. That's what I wanted to avoid. My girl did get to avoid it, of course she knew she would die someday but she avoided knowing when and how.

I still don't know when or how, but I know now the finality, the harsh reality, the absolute indifference of the universe when it comes to death. People live and then they die. When people die, that's it. Some of us are lucky enough to not know the end is coming. Others have the horror of knowing for minutes, hours, months, even years that their end is coming. But it's coming for all of us someday. I know the effects that death will leave on the rest of the world. A sudden death is a gift to the one who dies, but it's an immeasurably worse agony for the survivors. No time to prepare. No time to say goodbye. No time to put affairs in order. No time to ask those final questions. For those of us who suffered a sudden death, we're left holding the bag, unanswered questions and unfulfilled dreams, futility and emptiness. 

The meaning of life is to love and be loved. It's to share the world with people we love. It's to meet that one soulmate, that person who fills your heart with joy and happiness, who when you're with nothing can bring you down, and who even when you argue and disagree, you find your way back together because your love is transcendent, it's a stronger force than any anger or disagreement, it's a stronger force than any stress, frustration or hatred. That's the meaning of life. I found that meaning in her. I loved her with all of me. Sometimes I wasn't as loving as I could be, but I know I'm not perfect. I gave her what I could whenever I could. I had committed to a long happy life with her, and her presence in my life made my life so much more meaningful and worth living. Now, her absence drains me empty. It leaves me wishing and yearning for something that can never be. I still doubt my beliefs now, in the afterlife, and worry that the only way my girl is going to "exist" anymore is through my memories, through those things that once I pass on, will be gone as well. Futility, most of us are insignificant in the grand scheme, no matter how much meaning we seek, most of us will not be remembered long after our deaths. Some people are lucky to be remembered almost forever, famous ancient figures, famous musicians, people from throughout history who we still recognize and remember today, but many of us will slip out of existence quietly, with a paragraph or two in the newspaper to remember us by, and eventually those will be gone too. 

Today is a down day. Working, but barely working. Everything I do, every task I accomplish is a reminder of how much I wish I could share with her and how much I will never be able to again. A constant reminder of her absence. I miss being happy, being upbeat and funny, but she took those parts of me with her. I am only a shell now, a biological creature who exists to eat and breathe, but not to have a higher purpose like I used to. She was my higher purpose. She was the fuel for my fire. Most of me has died along with her.

I miss her more than I've ever missed anyone or anything. 

I have no idea how to get through the next hour. Or even the next minute.

 

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fzald, I can relate to your post. The futility.

When my husband's father passed away, he didn't want a service of any kind. He had a will made out, casket and burial plot already paid for. Due to it being early spring and the ground frozen, burial internment was held off. When the funeral director called to let us know of the burial date, I was surprised to learn that there were other people at the burial. They did not know my father in law. I found out that these few people went to every burial service. Just so that every person being buried knew that someone did care, especially if there were few family/friends present. I thought that was so touching. No futility there. Every person's life does have worth.

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Faith as small as a mustard seed, that is what I have when I write a letter to him and believe perhaps God will really show it to him as I prayed. Because why not? I won't know, but even the thought that he might is an encouragement. It's painful to watch life keep going without missing a beat. Sometimes I watch all the cars, people coming and going as if nothing has changed. I feel like it should all stop in his absence but it doesn't. I'm having periods of complete breakdowns followed by periods of numbness and confusion. It's so pretty today and the perfect temperature and all I can think about is how he would have wanted to be here riding that stupid motorcycle, the one that killed him. 

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The weather has been beautiful here too. When I left work today i walked past the benches outside where we would often sit on nice days just to talk. More sadness....

Practically, I know i can go on. 

Emotionally, I can't. 

I wish I could think of her and our happy times and remember them as happy. It's not that I don't remember our happy times, but they make me so sad now. The good times we shared are not a comfort yet. They are a reminder of what I have lost.

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fzald,

It will change.  Memories brought me immense pain in the early months of my grief but eventually those memories have brought me comfort and a smile as I remember them.  It changes...thank God.

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Fzald it's the same for me. I can't think about memories at all without breaking down in tears. I might smile when I think about them but I'm also crying tears of sadness at the same time. This morning I thought so this is it? I'm just going to get up every day and push myself through the day every day for the rest of my life depressed? Even if I'm not crying I'm just here. I can be working, cleaning, etc but it still just feels like waiting on the day to end. I dreamed last night that I found out it wasn't true and he was alive. I got a call in my dream that I just knew was him and it was around 10. Last time I talked to him I told him to call me if he could around 10ish the next day. The last text I got from him was around 10. I was so happy and relieved in my dream. I dreamed he died and he did in real life so I think why can't this dream come too. I have times now that I'm okay but it's because I am pushing the finality of it out of my mind . When it comes back and I can't push it away any longer I feel like I absolutely can't handle it at all. I just can't stand it and I feel like I can't go on.  I can't stop thinking about that text I never responded to.

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I feel like I'm beginning to move in to a new phase. Not better, just new. Lately, I find myself thinking directly of her less. She is always a thought away, but if I am just sitting and thinking, I am not thinking of just her and nothing else. 

But that doesn't mean I'm not sad. The sadness is ever-present. It's a dark cloud. It never goes away. Regardless of whether I'm actively thinking about her, it doesn't matter. I could be thinking about things that had nothing to do with her whatsoever, and I still am sad. It's almost like some kind of emotion disassociation, everything is sad now, even if it shouldn't be.

If I deliberately think about her, the sadness doesn't seem to change much, but I become more aware of it. I FEEL it more immensely. When I'm not thinking of her, it's still there, affecting my actions and my mood. 

An empty feeling is another way to say it. We've used that word a lot around here, but that's what it is. An empty feeling, that something is missing.

And I sometimes still have that feeling of waiting. For what? I don't know. For her to come back? Obviously I know that's impossible, but when I walk around the office and go about my day, I still feel something is wrong because she's not here, and that "it will resolve itself" by her coming back. For me to be happy? I don't know when or even if that will truly happen. 

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For any day that I make any progress the next day I feel completely hopeless. I don't know how anyone is ever okay after this. The last time I ever heard from him was a text exactly three months ago today. All I want to do is cry and sleep. I don't think I will ever be okay. I just can't cope with this at all. 

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The last time I hugged and kissed my love was 60 days ago.

60 days. Sounds like an eternity, and at the same time it still feels like yesterday that I saw her last. I can still picture her, imagine her walking down the hall at work, I can stil picture her in my house, I can picture her walking around outside at our office and the places nearby. I pass by her house and still imagine she's in there. 

Simple common phrases like "the rest of my life" have taken on a strange meaning for me. The rest of my life... could be 50 years, or it could be 10 minutes. "Tomorrow" may not happen. "Next week" is an eternity away. People at work ask if I can meet with them "in April." I feel strange answering "Yes I can". My girl said the same thing to people, the week before she left she told people she would meet with them on January 30th. January 30th was two days after she passed away. That was the day we suspended most work in our department and had a celebration/memorial for her. But it was so wrong. Even in the midst of all of that I expected her to walk in and say "I'm here for the meeting." That was only a week after I'd seen her last, and now we're over 8 weeks since then, but I still don't feel like much time has passed. 

I feel absolutely miserable again. It's when I'm at home, alone, with nothing to keep me occupied, that I remember so many things about her. I find things that remind me of her as I idly touch things on my bookshelves or tables. It's still impossible to believe she is gone forever. She intended to come back and see me. She intended to keep living. It's still so wrong. So out of place. So empty.

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fzald---it is wrong. It is empty. My husband's jacket still over a kitchen chair. The same jacket he would be wearing on this cool, spring day if he were here. His keys and cellphone still on the table. His packet of cigars and lighter. He always put the cigars, lighter, in a shirt pocket before leaving the house. I still remember him laying all his things on the table his last day here, when we came inside for supper. if his shirt collar was flipped up before he went out the door, I would straighten it for him. We were always joking and laughing. My insides are still ripped to shreds that my love was taken from this life we so loved together.

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They say it evolves.

I don't know, but for me it's evolving for the worse.

At first, my pain was very acute. Painful. Stabs of agony. Sometimes a short period of calm, like after the funeral on the way home. But still intense, agonizing pain.

Now the intensity is a bit less, but the chronic nature is unrelenting. Everything I do has a dark cloud over it. I have nothing to look forward to. No happiness. Nothing left in life. 

People at work talk about future projects and plans. I can't get into it. My heart's not in it at all. I am just doing what I have to do today. Thinking about a project that will go on for "weeks" or "months" is impossible for me. Something that's going to happen "tomorrow" is even hard. If it's not happening right now, it doesn't matter to me. Even if it is happening right now, I'm not with it totally. I am masking my pain with work. I already can tell this is where I'm heading, and I know that's bad, but what choice do I have?

"It's what you do with the time that makes the difference." What else can I do? What else can I possibly do to make anything any better? When she was alive but away, the knowledge of her return was what I needed. It's what gave me the strength to continue. But now I have to face the "forever". Never again. No matter what, she will never again walk the Earth. Never again laugh her cute laugh. Never again light up a room as she enters. Never again give me her absolutely insightful advice on things. Never again hug me, kiss me, make love to me. Never again fill my life with everything any man could ever ask for.

If the evolution of grief is going to keep going downward like it is right now, I don't know I'll be able to handle it.

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fzald, I know what you mean. This isn't my husband going to work or going off to visit a friend. He is not returning, period. I have no homecoming to look forward to. i could sit in a chair in front of the window, waiting , watching down the road and I would be sitting there forever.

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Sometimes I still stop on the sidewalk outside of work and look down the street, thinking she'll be coming up the road towards the office like she always used to.

Sometimes I stop out in the hall by the restroom, because sometimes we would walk together and we'd wait for the other. I stand there waiting, thinking she's coming out in a moment. Of course she isn't.

Sometimes I sit at the snack bar and wait for her to join me. 

Sometimes I stop at the snack bar on my way into work and grab her favorite drink from the cooler. And then I remember she's not here anymore. And then I cry in front of the cashier. She likes me and liked her a lot so she's pretty understanding, but it's still just so painful.

I go by her house and think she's in there. 

There's so many things in the world that are "the same" as if she were just gone temporarily. Like she was gone for the week when she passed out. I didn't expect to see her that week because I knew where she was. But she never came back. I still feel sometimes like she is, even though I know she's not. 

It's horrible. It hurts all over again every single time. 

It's just unfair.

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