fzald

Girlfriend died at age 22. Totally devastated.

407 posts in this topic

Things being the same is bittersweet. It feels like she should be here because everything else is as it was. But she isn't. Things that are the same no longer feel the same and at the same time they do. It's so surreal. I go to work and walk down the hall and think "I should see her coming towards me." But she never will. 

I still cannot think beyond today. Maybe I never will be able to again. The future was her. The life I wanted to live was her. I will live day to day from now on, barely making it through until I sleep, until the day I finally don't wake up again. My future has no point. I just exist now to exist until my body gives up like hers did. My soul wants to leave and follow her and my body won't let it. So my soul just has to sit and wait until my number is finally up.

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My break down just got worse. A girl posted pictures from highschool and he was in so many. He went to county school and I went to city. Apparently this girl dated him and she had a lot of pictures with him. I knew her because she went to my church. I think its so ironic I knew her all that time but didn't meet him until years later. I barely recognized him in the pictures. Funny I even felt jealous seeing him with her even though I didn't know him then. Seems really stupid considering he isn't even alive anymore. My heart seriously can't take it. I loved him so much. I just can't believe he is gone. I'm hurting so bad but I'm beside my child and husband trying to fight back tears. I am going to be so mentally messed up and absolutely miserable for the rest of my life. 

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I went to sleep crying and miserable and woke up this morning crying and miserable. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. 

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Numb and Lost,

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.  Sometimes I wish we weren't spread out all over the world, that we were just down the block from each other, could have a cup of coffee or tea together and give hugs to each other!  I'm sure you could use a shoulder to cry on now and then...hugs!

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My sleep last night was restless. I re-read some grief books before finally falling to sleep. I didn't have any dreams last night, which may be a good thing, but I still wake up every morning and have to force myself to get up and go. I often wish I could just lay in bed all day and sleep even more, doing nothing. I still wish sometimes I could just pass on. 

The thing is, what I REALLY want is something I can never have. When I think "I wish I could die", I realize what I'm really thinking is "I wish I could be with my love again." If there were a way for her to come back to this world, would I want to die? Of course not. I would want to continue sharing this world as we did until two months ago. So I feel like I'm in a state of "settling for the next best thing" which would be seeing her in another world and leaving everything in this world and everything we shared behind.

Today marks 8 weeks to the day since I last saw her alive. There's still technically 11 days until her actual death will be two months in the past. But to me, she died the last day I talked to her, because I believe she was already gone when she passed out. The author of one of my grief books I've been reading suffered the loss of her husband to a sudden aneurysm too, he was alive one day and the next day went to the ER with a massive headache, went into a coma and died. This kind of death is so tragic, so unbearable. I am not trying to minimize anyone else's grief, but "expected death" seems to have a somewhat different social response. If you know someone might die, people will be there to support not only you but the person who is dying. When they do die, everyone has already mourned a lot, and in some cases it can be a relief that the person isn't suffering. For me, and for anyone who suffered sudden unexpected death with no prior pain, there's none of this to comfort you. My love was not in pain, she was not ill, her death was not the final paragraph of a heart-wrenching painful tragic story. It was as unexpected as they come. 

I've said this many days, but today I'm really not doing well. St. Patricks day is today, and that was one of her favorite holidays. If she were here, we'd probably be planning to go out for drinks later. I still cannot accept her being gone forever. I still look for her in crowds, think I hear her coming down the hall, even sometimes think I hear her voice in a crowd. It's so gut-wrenching. Reality sucks.

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Thank you KayC. It is so hard when no one I know cares about him too. I sent my friends that know the pictures I saw of him that got me so upset, but of course they didn't even respond. It doesn't mean anything to them. It's like I just want to share things but nobody cares, because I don't know anyone that knows him. I grew up with the girl that posted the pics but I haven't talked to her in years.

Fzald you are right about unexpected death. I know death is always hard no matter what, but it seems like it would be a little easier if I had known beforehand and had a chance to say things I needed to say, see him one more time, and say goodbye. At 34 he was just here one day and gone the next, killed in an accident just a few min from his house. He was almost home. I try to go about my day and live but I think about it and I just get nauseated. My mother called me last night when I was crying and she was surprised and asked what triggered it. I told her nothing triggers it l. I have these moments every day. Sometimes if there is a trigger like seeing those pictures it's even worse, but it happens every day all the time. I keep writing him texts then deleting them when I'm done because I just want to talk to him. 

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On 15/03/2017 at 1:24 PM, KayC said:

 

Fzald

I'm sorry you have had another shocking and despairing day.  I understand what you mean regarding sudden/expected passings. (Note I can't say the Day word).  Each type I suppose brings different challenges, questions and pain.  I'm sure you have seen the article online that states expected passings are like facing the ocean and being swept out to sea by a wave, whereby sudden passings are like standing with your back to the ocean and being swept out to sea by the wave.  The loss of my Husband was anticipated and I thought that would give me time to show him love and attention in those extra weeks but then they were snatched from me very, very suddenly so I experienced a bit of both.  I suppose sudden means there is the possibility for PTSD to sneak in as well which adds to the distress.

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I have such disconcerting thoughts sometimes. Sometimes at work, I feel energized. Like I actually get things done. But sometimes when I look into my feelings a bit, I realize that I only get that way when I'm right in the midst of intense denial. I work hard because I expect her to come to work tomorrow and I want to catch her up on what she missed and what she can do to help. As soon as I remember she's gone forever, I collapse. Any energy I had disappears. 

It's a vicious cycle. I go into denial and then feel better. But then I face the truth again and hit a lower bottom than I was at before. 

It feels like my choices are to be in denial and get things done, or not be in denial and be consistently sad and non-functional. 

My (our) supervisor took me aside today and asked what he could do to help. He told me he misses her at work very much, and wishes he could do something, anything to make it better for me. The thing is there's nothing anyone can do. He knows this but he's still asking just to be considerate. He thanked me for being here as much as I can and said that even though I'm performing under he's giving me excellent reviews. This guy is amazing. But there's nothing anyone can do to help. She's gone forever. I find myself reminding myself of that, even though it hurts every time. I don't know if it's me trying to "actively grieve" or what, but I actually get worried when I'm in denial and functioning well, because denial just seems to be a waste of time now.

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Zara,

I suppose anticipated death still can become sudden if the person dies far before they were expected to. When my friend passed from cancer in 2004, he was given 3 months to live and he survived for about 2. But he had been pretty ill for months prior to this, his cancer battle lasted almost a year. I feel like I slowly, slowly grieved over the course of the entire year. When he did pass, I cried, I hurt, I felt terrible. But I adjusted relatively well. Some of it may have been my age, and the fact that it was my first significant loss, and also the fact that even though we were still close friends, he had gotten married and was starting his own life, so we weren't talking quite as frequently as we had used to. 

I feel like I got all the bad cards all at once. Not only did I lose my girlfriend suddenly without any warning, but I lost my girlfriend. Someone who I was even closer to than my friend. Someone who I spent every day with. Someone who I had future plans TOGETHER with. MY friend and I had parallel life paths, we were always going to be in each other's lives but still with some separation. My girl and I on the other hand were basically on the same life path. We were parallel like two lanes on one road, whereas my friend was parallel like the street a block over. 

St. Patrick's day was one of my girl's favorite holidays. Perhaps this is why today has been particularly challenging. But every day has been challenging. I have tried to get into some new things but I can't even focus, I just want to share these new things with her. I want to keep sharing this world with her and that will never be. It's so depressing.

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On 15/03/2017 at 1:24 PM, KayC said:

 

Fzald

I sometimes feel "denial" is getting harder and harder to sustain.  It's like the power to resist is diminishing - then what?  How much harder will that be to bear.  Maybe that's grief doing its job in the background but resistance to the reality is the only thing that gets the day over.

 

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I can't get past the denial. I know it's real but it just doesn't seem like it can be. It doesn't seem like this could have really happened. When I dreamed it and feared it I pushed it out thinking that won't happen. Usually your worst dreams and fears don't come true. I just can see him and hear him in my mind and my heart just cannot understand or accept that he really isn't here anymore. This is such a cliche statement but it truely still seems like a bad dream that I'm going to wake up from. 

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You know, it might be even worse because she was out of town when it happened, so in my mind she's still just out of town. If I had seen her collapse, or had been with her in the hospital, or anything like that, I think I'd have to face the loss of denial much faster. But I wasn't there for any of her last moments. I was one of the last people she talked to other than the people she was in person with, but I was not there to see her last moments.  So to me maybe it's still just that she's away, coming back eventually, almost like she's still in the hospital and we don't know if she's going to wake up from the coma, rather than being dead. 

It's so unreal. My heart also just can't accept this reality. The further away it gets, the more days that go by without her in this world, seem to make it just harder and harder. Denial of course has to wear off eventually, and I am actually afraid of what will happen to me then. So far I've barely functioned. What if denial goes and I lose all my functioning and end up not even being able to work at all? 

This is the definition of torture. Anything that a bad government or military could do to me would be preferable to this pain. If I were told that if I revealed some kind of secret that my love would return to me, I'd probably do it. If I were threatened with death, I'd say "go ahead." If a robber pulls a gun on me I'd probably egg him on to get shot. For a while I even considered "Accidentally" walking out into the road on a red light. Whatever will to survive I have left kept me from doing something that drastic, but I still do wish that I could just go in my sleep sometimes.

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50 minutes ago, fzald said:

If I had seen her collapse, or had been with her in the hospital, or anything like that, I think I'd have to face the loss of denial much faster.

fzalld, I'm sorry but I don't think so. I knew my wife was about to leave me. I found her on our bathroom floor when I got back that night. I still don't believe it's real. A loss like that can never be dealt with in any timely manner. We just have to go through the whole process of grieving. There's no shortcut, no way to ease the pain.
The only thing that matters is how close your were, not the circumstances of the death.

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fzald physical pain still scares me. although I would do anything to have gran back and well. or at least to KNOW she is well somewhere...
I feel like I'm actually still experiencing denial. I know she's dead. I saw her the day she died. I tried cpr. I waited for the cops. They just wanted to "remove the body".  It still hurts to see that image of her. Just lying there. I couldn't even say the word dead. and it still feels not real. none of this feels real at all. i don't know what that means but I suppose denial is a factor.
I am so lost now. The more time I spent with her, the more I got attached. I was there for her almost 24/7. Now, it feels like she's gone too soon. I still don't get it. I am sickened by the world I live in. It is really so sadistic that I think there must be something more elsewhere. I am so done.

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I can't use the word dead either. I don't even speak of him in past tense most of the time. I don't want to say I loved him because I still do love him whether he is here or not. I can't stand when people act like I'm just supposed to forget about him like he didn't even exist. "You have to focus on what's here" they say. I looked at his wife's Facebook and she is smiling really big in every recent picture. It makes me upset and I don't know why. She hasn't posted anything about him at all since he died but comments on everything else. I'm sure that is just her way of dealing with it. He talked like she was a private person. It just bothers me though. I don't feel like smiling period much less in a picture. I don't even want to be in a picture at all. 

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Denial seems it affords our bodies the way of dealing with this little by little as we are able rather than hitting is all at once full force.  We absorb and process this little by little.  It's a very hard process but try not to worry about not being able to get through it...we do, there's nothing to fear, after all, the worst has already happened.

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I talked to a friend of hers today. I was casual friends with this girl, we know each other and have talked through the years, but not super close. But I did learn something.

I found out that despite having a viewing, she indeed was cremated as per her wishes.  I didn't know this was something that was done, because she was obviously embalmed when I saw her body, and also her obituary specifically stated a "burial", so I assumed she was buried as I saw her. I am annoyed that I had not heard of this a while back, and that her family still chooses to basically ignore my existence and the fact that I was a major part of her life. 

I thought this would relieve some of my feelings, but it really hasn't. I think what it has done is chip away further at the denial I've been subconsciously trying to hold on to. Now there is a clear explanation for the lack of a grave site. I am thrilled that she got what she wanted in the end. But I still have to accept what I don't want to.

Her actual date of death was 7 weeks ago today. The time warp is still there, it feels like she was here last week and that she's been gone for years all at once. The memories of her are still so fresh and raw. The knowledge that our time was cut short is still so present in my mind. 

I find now that sometimes, as the day rolls on, I feel slightly less sad. But each morning brings the sadness right back to the front. I still struggle to wake up every morning. I struggle to find any reason to face the day. Some people are starting to tell me that this is a sign it's time to find some new purpose, some reason to wake up every day that isn't her, and that I'm focusing too much on her and that's why I'm sad every day. <sigh> People still don't get it.

I went out shopping today and discovered that the very last movie we saw in the movie theater together back in January was recently released on DVD. I picked up a copy. I don't know how watching it will make me feel, but maybe it's worth a try. Either way it was a good film so I'll want to own it anyway, but I'm sure at least the first time will bring back tons of bittersweet memories of one of our last great happy moments together.

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No people don't get it at all. I'm functioning in public better most of the time. My friends and mother thought I must be "getting better." No I've just learned to live like a robot. I can even conversate normally most of the time but when I get in the car I cry. I went for a 3 mile run today and cried most of the time. Just knowing he isn't here makes me feel an emptiness I can't describe. When I used to be busy doing things, or even times we weren't talking or seeing each other I was still happy and loved life. I just liked knowing he was here and knowing when I saw him or talked to him again was something to look forward to. Now I just live to make it until tomorrow. I function. My house is clean, laundry is done, my kids are taken care of but I just have an overwhelming emptiness. 

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1 hour ago, fzald said:

I'm sure at least the first time will bring back tons of bittersweet memories of one of our last great happy moments together.

It seems quite the juxtaposition...it's hard to pass up a movie we watched together, but hard to watch it.

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48 minutes ago, Numb and Lost said:

My friends and mother thought I must be "getting better." No I've just learned to live like a robot.

I'm glad you can get away and cry sometimes.  I think it helps to get it out.

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The absolute finality is still the part that hits me over and over every time.

The whole "NEVER again" part.

Like you Numb, even when we were apart, even if we weren't going to see each other for a sizable length of time, I always knew there would be a next time. The thoughts of that next time kept me going. I could function just fine even without her physically here because of the KNOWLEDGE that she was still in the world and that soon we would see each other again.

It's so weird to me how our emotions are so affected by conceptual, non-physical events. I mean, it's always hard to be physically apart from someone you love, but knowing there will soon be a time when you are with them? That makes everything that much more livable. When she was alive, even her being away for a few weeks at a time was something I could handle. Of course I missed her. I thought of her. But I knew she would come back, so I was fine. I didn't have any depression, empty feelings, any of that. Even that last week, she was out of town on a vacation, but until I knew the horrible truth I thought she was coming back and I was fine. Even when she was unconscious, I was fine because I had hope of her return. The knowledge that she would, or maybe would, return was enough to keep me going. A simple fact, the fact that she died and that "soon" became "never", changed my entire emotional state. But physically? I mean, she's gone physically, but she was also gone physically during that first week and I was functioning just fine. 

How do people deal with that "never" part? Even thinking of her in the afterlife isn't very comforting, because we will "never" have THIS world, the life we had, the life we were building, again. We will never raise children together in this world. We will never eat our favorite foods together again. We will never see the latest and best movies together again. We will never sit in our office again together. So many "nevers". It's so unbearable

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I don't know, maybe we will have movies, favorite foods, etc.  There's a lot we don't know, so I'm hoping it's not a whole lot different, just improved.  No more politics. :)

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Yes, the "nevers" are unbearable. But one thing that shifted in my mind just last week (I had a very spiritual thing happen) is that even though I no longer have a relationship with the human/physical Pat, I truly feel a deeper spiritual connection to him. Hard to explain but I feel that we now have a different relationship. In a way I actually feel closer to him now, but on a different level. And I also feel that my love for him gets stronger as the days go by. Yes all the horrible pain is still there but there is a kind of peacefulness knowing that this new kind of relationship is so deep and so strong. I truly feel that our souls or spirits are so deeply connected and forever. 

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I always felt like I met him for a reason. When I tried to resist it I ran into him again and again in the most odd of places. So I felt like we had to be drawn to each other for some reason. I always felt that so strongly. I thought maybe at some point later in the future it would be right somehow even if we had to end up parting ways in what was our current situation. (We parted ways a few times but just couldn't seem to keep it that way) I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm so confused. My hope is that my feelings were right and that I did meet him for a reason and maybe I won't understand it until I die. I hope maybe at that time I can have some sort of relationship to him that is special in some way. I'm just not strong enough for this. It just hurts too much. I just don't even know what to feel anymore. I don't feel like I even know who I am. I wake up in the morning and besides things that have to be done I don't know what to do with myself. I look at pictures of him and that makes me sad but I'm just as sad if I don't look. He was just so full of life and had such a big heart it just doesn't seem like he could be gone. His kids need him, and it is all just ripping my heart to shreds. 

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10 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Yes, the "nevers" are unbearable. But one thing that shifted in my mind just last week (I had a very spiritual thing happen) is that even though I no longer have a relationship with the human/physical Pat, I truly feel a deeper spiritual connection to him. Hard to explain but I feel that we now have a different relationship. In a way I actually feel closer to him now, but on a different level. And I also feel that my love for him gets stronger as the days go by. Yes all the horrible pain is still there but there is a kind of peacefulness knowing that this new kind of relationship is so deep and so strong. I truly feel that our souls or spirits are so deeply connected and forever. 

I feel the same way.  I miss having him here in the flesh but our connection has never left.  I don't know if that makes any sense or not, but just because we don't get to communicate or touch each other, the connection is still strong, I don't think anything could ever sever that.

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