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Girlfriend died at age 22. Totally devastated.


fzald

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Numb and Lost,

Your parents still have each other, so of course they can't understand.  It's like my sisters, they care, but they don't get it.  How can they?  They still have their husbands.  They have no clue what it's like to continually face life alone.

I wish I could take the pain from you, I know how hard it is to live through it until it reaches the dull ache point that is more tolerable.

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Numb and Lost
3 hours ago, KayC said:

Numb and Lost,

Your parents still have each other, so of course they can't understand.  It's like my sisters, they care, but they don't get it.  How can they?  They still have their husbands.  They have no clue what it's like to continually face life alone.

I wish I could take the pain from you, I know how hard it is to live through it until it reaches the dull ache point that is more tolerable.

I just wonder if I'll ever get to that point. I thought I was doing a little better and then it's like I crashed and got even worse. 

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Numb and Lost,

It takes time, but it also takes working through our grief.  Going to a grief counselor helps, they can point us in the right direction.  Also, there is the whole list of grief books http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/3836-grief-bibliography/#comment-29429 also the first year course http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/course-52.html as well as countless articles, listed alphabetically http://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/links-to.html all of which help us in our adjustment.

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I haven't posted for a couple of days, I've had a lot of things going around in my head that I'll post about when I am able to articulate it properly. But I've had a really rough past couple of days. There have been some moments of calm, and moments of despair like always, but some new feelings have crept in, things I can't even truly describe at this point but nonetheless not pleasant.

But I thought I'd check in.

A friend of mine invited me to see the new Beauty and the Beast film (the remake of the original cartoon) this week. There is a new song in it, the lyrics of which really, really resonate with me and probably will speak to all of us here:

Quote

How does a moment last forever?
How can a story never die?
It is love we must hold onto
Never easy, but we try
Sometimes our happiness is captured
Somehow, a time and place stands still
Love lives on inside our hearts
and always will

The song is sung by (among others at different points) Belle's father, singing of his wife and Belle's mother who had passed on. (Hope this isn't a spoiler, because the story basically follows the same as the original 1990s version)

(It's also the "pop" song for the film, performed by Celine Dion over the credits)

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Solomon'sGirl

I saw the movie last weekend and remember the song. It made me think about my relationship and about all of us here. I know it's just a movie, but I really connected with that part. I'm glad you shared it on here. 

I'm sorry you're having rough days. I am, too. This is day two of spring break. We had so many plans for this week. Instead, I'm alone and crying mostly. Hope you can work through your thoughts. We'll be here when you're ready. 

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Numb and Lost

Just reading those lyrics made me cry. One thing that really hurts is how my friends seem to think none of it should matter now that he's gone. I wonder what he meant by certain things are how he felt about things and they reply "it doesn't really matter now." As if his life didn't matter at all now that he's gone. I don't talk to them anymore really. I think I understand the feelings you can't describe. I also have feelings between the numb and complete agony that I just can't put into words at all. 

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The only thing that truly "doesn't matter now" is the what-if's, the guilt, the useless hoping that they will return or that, if we'd just done one or two things differently, it wouldn't be this way. Sometimes when I catch myself running over and over and over her last few days or weeks here and trying to find any tiny thing I could have done to change the outcome, I do have to remind myself that it doesn't matter. Nothing can bring her back. Even if I could write up an elaborate plan for every single thing I would do differently, at what time and place and exactly what, to save her life, it wouldn't matter. She can't come back to this Earth no matter how much I, or even she herself, wishes it.

But it's true, that it DOES matter that our loved ones lived. IT's foolish to try to pretend they didn't, or that we didn't share a relationship or love or whatever emotions we did share. It's foolish to try to avoid guild by downplaying the absence. "But at least you..." is among the most useless phrases in this grief. We are all living, hopefully healthy physically despite sometimes not treating ourselves the best, and we all still have a lot of things to be thankful for. But that doesn't erase the empty feeling, it doesn't change the facts that we lost someone very dear to us. 

It does matter how people feel because we want to know that the person we lost had value in the world. We want to know the impact they had on the world around them, the ways in which they will live on in spirit in our world. Talking to others who remember them is one way we can try to feel that. Sometimes when people try so hard to avoid talking about it, I feel that maybe it's their own grieving that is making them hesitant to talk. 

I have even been guilty of that for a couple days, I've tried to avoid talking about her because of all the complicated feelings I'm having, but it's pointless. I will write out what is going on when I can get it down in words. But I tried to put her out of mind, and sometimes it even works for a short time, but she's always there with me, just a thought away. The pain is still fresh as ever. The absence is still as strong as ever. The longing for her to come back is still there. The wishing for a different reality or even the wish to die in my sleep still remains. None of these are things I can "cast off".

One of the other new songs in Beauty and the Beast also spoke so strongly to me. The scene after Belle leaves the Beast's castle, he sings a new song:

Quote

I was the one who had it all
I was the master of my fate
I never needed anybody in my life
I learned the truth too late

I'll never shake away the pain
I close my eyes but she's still there
I let her steal into my melancholy heart
It's more than I can bear

Now I know she'll never leave me
Even as she runs away
She will still torment me, calm me, hurt me
Move me, come what may

Wasting in my lonely tower
Waiting by an open door
I'll fool myself she'll walk right in
And be with me for evermore

I rage against the trials of love
I curse the fading of the light
Though she's already flown so far beyond my reach
She's never out of sight

Now I know she'll never leave me
Even as she fades from view
She will still inspire me, be a part of
Everything I do

Wasting in my lonely tower
Waiting by an open door
I'll fool myself she'll walk right in
And as the long, long nights begin
I'll think of all that might have been
Waiting here for evermore!

 

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Numb and Lost

I run over and over his last days too. I know I can't change it but it's like I'm trying to work it out in my mind somehow. Even though it's been three months I am still in total shock all of the time. I still can't comprehend this is real. I think because I dreamed it before it happened it makes it more difficult. I don't know if that was some sort of warning to prepare me or what but it makes it harder. When I woke up from that dream I was so relieved and I thought that is the one thing I couldn't bear. I just can't believe I am living that nightmare. I just don't feel like it can be real it doesn't seem like he can really be gone. It hurts so much I have nothing tangible to hold on to. I just wish I had something I could just hold and cry. I look at his Facebook all the time and screenshots of texts because it is all in the world I have to keep his memory. Every day I just wait for it to be nighttime and I wonder if this is all my life will ever be now because while I function and I am "living" I am so unhappy. I am just absolutely miserable. I wish I had one person that loved him too I could talk to. 

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Numb, perhaps your dream was a premonition much like mine. Premonitions of bad things are horrible, they scare you but then when you realize it's not (yet) true you feel relieved. Like a calm before the storm. Then the storm hits, the thing you foresaw or dreamt about or thought about suddenly becomes real. 

In almost 6 years with my girl I never had an imminent thought of her death until that last day we saw each other. We discussed death philosophically but I never actually felt that it was near until that day. I discarded the thought. Like you, I just reminded myself that she was alive and well and everything was fine. I went home that night and thought about the next time I would see her. That time never came.

There has to be more to the world than we can observe. Science has proven through the years many many things that we can't observe directly. But science still has tons of unknowns. We don't know what we can't observe and we tend to reject what we can't RELIABLY observe. A lot of faith is simply based on accepting that we can't know everything. That's hard to do. The thing is, as humans we have "faith" in things every day. We have faith that farmers, food plant operators, chefs, etc. will know how to prepare delicious foods for us. We have faith that computer programmers have the knowledge to write games, business programs etc. We have faith that the mechanic will properly fix our cars. We have faith that the electrician, plumber, carpenter, cable guy, whoever will do their job well. Many of us know little to nothing about what is really going on, and often we don't even care, we just want it done. What happens in death, however, is something that NO human can know. We have to have faith beyond ourselves and our kind. We have to have faith that whatever deity we worship, whatever beliefs we have about the afterlife, will be taken care of for us, just like we have to believe the doctor will cure us. Sometimes things don't work, and faith is challenged. But we don't give up usually. I guess all we can do is have the same attitude when it comes to death. Trust that it'll all work out, and if it doesn't, hopefully we'll have a chance to complain. I wonder if the afterlife has a suggestion box!

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Numb and Lost

I don't see how people ever return to a normal life and feel anything again after this. I feel like no matter how well I function, even if I am going about as business as usual every moment of it is done with immense pain in the background. Behind every fake smile is unending despair. I just feel like nothing matters like and it's just over for me. I just can't accept that I won't ever see him again and just continue on with any enjoyment of life. I know that I will NEVER feel that again, and it was never even really mine when I did feel it. It's hard to live after having felt that and to lose it before I even understood or made sense of it. I feel like I just want to stay in bed and curl up in a ball and die. 

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Numb and lost, I also have a fear that I will never be truly happy again. Was my short time with Pat the only happy time I was allotted for my life?  I hope not. I could not bear it. I have to have hope that I can experience some happiness again someday. I don't know when that may be but I cannot give up hope. 

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Solomon'sGirl
3 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I don't see how people ever return to a normal life and feel anything again after this. I feel like no matter how well I function, even if I am going about as business as usual every moment of it is done with immense pain in the background. Behind every fake smile is unending despair. I just feel like nothing matters like and it's just over for me. I just can't accept that I won't ever see him again and just continue on with any enjoyment of life. I know that I will NEVER feel that again, and it was never even really mine when I did feel it. It's hard to live after having felt that and to lose it before I even understood or made sense of it. I feel like I just want to stay in bed and curl up in a ball and die. 

I've had one of the roughest weeks yet. My daughter has spent the week with her dad. She's such a huge part of my life and gives me purpose. She always was and did before, but I've realized that since the accident she's all I've got. I've worked, I've hung out with friends, and I've stayed busy. However, I've cried hard every single day. I sobbed while out with friends. Usually I can hold it together around others. At most I'll shed a few tears and then change the subject or something. This week there's just a raw pain, loneliness, and longing for my life before the accident. I miss him. I miss what life was when he was here. I miss my life partner. I want so badly to live here with him and experience life with him. It's just so not fair. I think it's easier for me to pretend everything is okay when my daughter is home. I think this week especially has made me realize that I'm fighting reality and fighting hurting. I don't want to hurt like this. It scares me to think that I'll always feel this way. I don't know who I am without him, and I really don't want to know. I'm still holding on so much to "us" and I don't know if that's healthy or what. I wonder if something is wrong with me and then I come here and read what everyone is thinking and feeling. We're all just trying to figure out what to do. We're doing the best we can. It's weird, I can see me being happy and enjoying life, but I don't know how to get there. And I don't really want to get there without him. 

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Numb and Lost

That's definitely how I feel, scared that I will always live with this pain. There is so much unresolve and so many things I never got to say. I'm mourning in so many different ways, mourning that I didn't meet him earlier in life under the right circumstances, mourning a lost hope, and of course most of all mourning the loss of him. I know I could never feel what he made me feel again. Never. I want to feel better but at the same time I feel like the only way I could do that is if I forget the way he made me feel. I don't want to forget. I push it out of my mind but then all of a sudden it hits so hard. I was remembering something yesterday and I could just feel all of it, every emotion just as if it was just happening. It hurts so so much. I can hear his voice so clearly, see him in my mind, and feel the love I have for him and my heart just cannot comprehend or understand he isn't here anymore.

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Solomon'sGirl, Sorry you had a rough week, especially with your daughter not there to keep you company and a purpose. *Fighting reality and fighting hurting*. Exact words to describe this hell. Our logical brain fighting with our heart. We feel so helpless. We want what we had, but that can never be. We don't want the unknown because we are afraid.

Hang in there. Do this at your own speed and hopefully time will help with the rest.

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Numb and Lost

I was doing better for a few days. I had a lot to keep me distracted. I feel a little better and then the grief overwhelms me and it's just crippling. When it overcomes me nothing matters. Sometimes I still have feelings of disbelief but for the most part it is starting to sink in that he is really gone. I don't forget those first few minutes when I wake up anymore. Honestly that makes it hurt even worse that I don't. I take showers so I can just hide and break down and cry. I can be okay and then it hits out of nowhere. I still have the anxiety attacks with the dizziness and nausea that make it even worse at times. I don't post much here anymore because I don't have anything new to say. I'm just still in so much pain. For a while I completely pushed "I won't see him again out of my head" because I plan on seeing him in heaven. I even think of things I might tell him. I try not to think about how long that might be or what it might look like but it creeps in my mind whether I try or not. In the beginning I was desperate to maybe talk to his friend or family as if it might "help" or "change things." I don't really have the urge anymore simply because it wouldn't change anything. There is nothing that could make this hurt any less. In those first moments and days it almost seems like something can help but as time goes on it seems "normal" for him to be gone. That hurts even more. Normal isn't really the right word, I should say it seems real. Sometimes I could feel when he was about to call me or text me even if it had been a long time. It's almost like I knew he was thinking about me before he called just as I was thinking of him. Now I feel that he isn't here. I don't know how to explain it. 

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It's sinking in...another stage in the grieving process.  You say it seems worse that you wake up and already know he's gone.  Maybe you're fighting it?  I think I turned a corner when I learned to embrace my grief rather than fight it but I honestly can't say when that was...quite a ways down the road I know.  That's something I can't explain but you know it when you reach it.  I guess loss is part of the cycle of love because it all comes to that eventually, it's just some hit it way sooner than others.  Note, fighting against your grief does not equate with fighting losing them.  We don't have a say so, there is nothing we can do to hold them here.  Is our grief a way of holding them here to us?  It can be, but we're going to grieve regardless of our intentions.

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Hello everyone,

I haven't posted in a while. I honestly just have not really know what to say. I feel like anything I say is just repeating myself from what I've already said countless times on this thread and on this forum. 

My performance at work has improved. I'm now more able to focus than I used to be back in February. I'm able to get actual work done. As long as I have something to keep my mind active, I seem to be marginally OK. The sadness is always there, it's like a pain I can't get rid of or an itch I can't scratch, but it does seem I'm learning to "tolerate" it just a little. I'm not profoundly sad and depressed 24/7 anymore, but I still am very sad. I still think of all the things in my life now, and how I wish I could still share them with her. I think of all that her life was supposed to be, and now isn't and never will be. Many times a day I think "I need to tell her/show her that next time I see her!" and then quickly realize that's never going to happen. 

I'm definitely moving into a new phase. The problem I'm still having is a "preoccupation" with the idea of death, and the finality of it. I'm in my 30s, so realistically I have more than half a lifetime left. But, of course, my girl would have thought she had much more life left too. The fact is we can all go at any time for any reason. I'm not afraid of my own death. I guess I'm afraid of life not having any meaning. It already feels like that every day. I work hard, I get things done, and I ask "why did I bother?" I wonder what the point is. It doesn't matter how much we desire to live or how much we love life. We all die someday, and for some, like our loved ones, that death comes far too soon and far too unexpectedly. I find myself asking "why bother?" Why put in all the effort to build a great life, when it's all going to be destroyed someday anyway?

A few people in the world are lucky to leave lasting legacies, people who will be talked of for decades and centuries to come. Shakespeare. George Washington. Abraham Lincoln. King Tut. Pocahontas. The Beatles, Elvis, many other famous entertainers. These folks left a mark on the world that will continue to be seen, felt and thought about practically forever. But for the "regular" folk, like me, or my girlfriend, our "marks" fade with time. Already the talk of my love is fading. I'm sure nobody has "forgotten" her, but people have stopped thinking of her. Those who weren't as close to her have "finished" grieving and have moved on. Myself, a select few of her close friends, and her family are likely the only ones left who are still thinking about her on a daily basis, on an hourly, minutely, secondly basis. Once the few of us who keep her alive in our hearts are gone, what then? Her life only matters because of those who remember her, but a time will come when her memory will be gone. 

The word that comes to mind is futility. It's so strange. We humans have such unique, incredible experiences. We have the ability to feel and experience things that don't even make sense. We can interpret the world around us and we can experience emotions of all kinds. It's all about feeling. But in the end, every single one of us will die. Every single human being that lives today is going to die, unless some super medical miracle happens that can actually r

I'm hoping this is just a grieving phase. Because it's horrible. I think about my life, and I think about her "ended" life. And I think "That'll be me someday. Why wait?" 

The only answer I've ever truly felt has meaning for "why are we here" is "to love and be loved." I had that. My girl had that from me. We shared love. We shared life. We didn't have kids. I still have a "biological" purpose. But my emotional, spiritual, existential purpose? That was to love, and she was the one I chose to love. I feel like that part of life has been fulfilled. I find it hard to look forward to anything now, because I feel like I've already had it all. You can't go any higher than the highest peak. I was there. I saw the world in a whole new way with her. Now she's gone. Nothing will ever compare. So I ask "what's the point?"

I'll take some time to read other threads on here later on. I hope everyone is doing as well as they can. 

 

 

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Fzald,. Good to see you back. I too am at that "phase" of feeling that underlying pain that's always there. Someone described it as a low grade fever. It's just always there. And I also think about death differently. "Stuff/things" just don't matter any more. For the first time in my life I really feel and know that anybody could die at any time, including me. I always just assumed I'd live to be 90 since all of my grandparents did and both of my parents are still alive, almost 80. But Pat died unexpectedly and so could I. I don't fear death any more either. I actually just met with an attorney to update my will. My perspective has changed on so much. 

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fzald, Your post is thought provoking. It doesn't matter if you feel you have nothing to say. What is important is checking in once in awhile.You are a dear friend of the club here.

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fzald,

Her memory will never be gone to you, you will keep her alive inside of you for the rest of your life.  What happens beyond that is what happens with all of us, when those who knew and remembered us are gone, so will we too...but by then we'll be reunited and it will all be good again.

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Solomon'sGirl

 

On 4/11/2017 at 0:56 AM, fzald said:

I guess I'm afraid of life not having any meaning. It already feels like that every day. I work hard, I get things done, and I ask "why did I bother?" I wonder what the point is. It doesn't matter how much we desire to live or how much we love life. We all die someday, and for some, like our loved ones, that death comes far too soon and far too unexpectedly. I find myself asking "why bother?" Why put in all the effort to build a great life, when it's all going to be destroyed someday anyway?

On 4/11/2017 at 0:56 AM, fzald said:

The only answer I've ever truly felt has meaning for "why are we here" is "to love and be loved."

I know we are all dealing with grief differently probably and some might not believe in the book I'm going to suggest. However, it helped me tremendously. It's called Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian L. Weiss. It helped me feel and see that I'm still connected to Thad. It helped me be okay with living. It helped me see purpose. I saw things very differently, and I needed that. I still have moments and days of just annoyance that I'm here and he's not. I have to tell myself to find the good in the day. I want to find the good in the day. I want to be happy so badly. I fight being down and sad and crying. Boy do I fight it. And when my daughter is away for longer than a day, apparently that's when it's inescapable. No amount of fighting stops the tears and heartache. But what I got from the book is what helps bring me back to "okay". Maybe it will be that for you or someone else. So I had to share it. 

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Solomon's Girl,  Thanks for sharing. I'm glad the book was helpful for you. I haven't gotten to that one yet. I did read Dr. Weiss's *Only Love Is Real*.  As much as that book, along with many others, gives a measure of comfort that the love bond is always there, this is still the hardest trial of our life here. I guess our individual evolution through this process, our access to resources, and the continuing love connection will help see us through.

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7 hours ago, Solomon'sGirl said:

 

I know we are all dealing with grief differently probably and some might not believe in the book I'm going to suggest. However, it helped me tremendously. It's called Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian L. Weiss. It helped me feel and see that I'm still connected to Thad. It helped me be okay with living. It helped me see purpose. I saw things very differently, and I needed that. I still have moments and days of just annoyance that I'm here and he's not. I have to tell myself to find the good in the day. I want to find the good in the day. I want to be happy so badly. I fight being down and sad and crying. Boy do I fight it. And when my daughter is away for longer than a day, apparently that's when it's inescapable. No amount of fighting stops the tears and heartache. But what I got from the book is what helps bring me back to "okay". Maybe it will be that for you or someone else. So I had to share it. 

I will check it out. 

I know the feeling, of fighting sadness. At first, when she first died, I was nothing but sad. I had no ability to feel anything but immense depression. Yes, I had suicidal ideation and thoughts. Yes, I still wonder today why I'm here and she's not. I still wonder why she had to die, why her life had to be taken so mercilessly, so suddenly, no warning or even any time for her or anyone else to prepare. For the dying, though, honestly that's the best way. That's how I want to go, I don't want to know it's coming honestly. She had the bittersweet gift of never having knowledge her death was coming. I can only hope that will be the case for me.

Now though, I'm at least not constantly sad. I am not happy. I am not joyful. I do not look forward to most things. But I am not crying all day anymore, I am not sitting staring at the ceiling or the wall and thinking of her and shaking in panic attacks. I don't know though if I'm being avoidant of my grief. I have deliberately not looked at photos of her lately, listened to her voice in recordings and videos I have, or read our conversations. I haven't been able to do any of that, because the few times I tried to even look at a photo, all the pain and depression spilled out all over again and it took me a while to "come back".  So for now I have simply stopped looking at the physical reminders I have left of her. I still think of her every single day, every single hour, every single minute even. She is always only a single thought away. I still constantly think I need to tell her something, then remember she's gone and she's not coming back. I still struggle with the "never" part, the fact that this isn't just a temporary separation at least in this world. She's gone from this world forever, and I still struggle with that, and in turn my own feelings. I'll check the book out, hopefully it'll help.

Like you said though, I WANT to be happy again. I don't like being sad. It's not who I am, it's not my core personality. I've always been a happy, funny, laughing, high-spirited person. That is honestly one of the things that attracted my girl to me, she even said so, the fact that I conducted myself so smoothly and could find the humor in any situation, even a bad one. Those parts of my personality are still largely on vacation. I'm friendly, I talk to people, sometimes I even laugh at something someone said, but without my girl here, it's all empty. 

Do you guys think me "avoiding" the pain, by not looking at pictures etc. is actually a bad thing? Like, would it be better to do it on purpose and allow myself to feel the sadness? I don't want it to just pop back up someday. I already do have days where that consistent pain is a little stronger than usual. Days where it's a lot harder to force myself to focus and not dwell on her death. I try to take those days in stride. But, I wonder if it'd eventually help in the long run to embrace those days, maybe choose those times to look at our photos or listen to her voice, even if it does make me intensely sad? Some seem to think grief is like a bad medicine, you have to take the whole thing, you can take it now or later but somehow you will take the whole thing, so allowing yourself to be sad, even encouraging it now, will help you move through it. What do you guys think?

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I wish I knew what the right answer was. But as you know there are no rules for grief and we're all doing the best we know how. We're all doing it our own way.  For me, I have pictures everywhere.  I call them my "Pat shrines". I do feel the sadness when I look at them but at the same time they keep the connection and memories alive. I also just made a Shutterfly photo book. Im so glad I made that but for some reason I do have a hard time looking at it. It really makes me cry. 

Grieve as as much as you can now. There's a guy in my grief group who lost his wife about a year and a half ago. He didn't really grieve and thought he was doing ok. But it's all hitting him hard now which is why he just joined the group. i can't imagine feeling any worse a year from now!!! 

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11 hours ago, fzald said:

Do you guys think me "avoiding" the pain, by not looking at pictures etc. is actually a bad thing?

fzald,

No there's nothing wrong with avoiding pictures.  I have put pictures up, taken them down, up, down, finally I left them up.  I don't often pour through our pictures, cards, etc., because it's hard, but when I feel like it, I do.  I have to mete it out, one can only take so much pain.  We have to allow ourselves to feel our grief, our pain in order to heal, but we don't have to continually fixate either, they call it "dosing it out" in bits we can handle.  And honestly, we do have to find what works for us and what brings us comfort, which will be different for everyone.

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fzald, I feel that KayC puts the right spin on it. I cannot look at pics too much right now. But, I don't feel that i am avoiding the pain. It is rather like KayC said, *dosing it out*. What I am doing is avoiding the trigger point as far as pics. When you look at pics, you remember the whole event surrounding that pic. Not just that moment in time but the whole surrounding moments. Could be an entire day of memories around one pic. That is a lot of pain do deal with, if a moment was built into a significant big memory. Small moments, small memories, are all I can handle at this time.

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Solomon'sGirl

 

On 4/12/2017 at 8:53 PM, fzald said:

Do you guys think me "avoiding" the pain, by not looking at pictures etc. is actually a bad thing? Like, would it be better to do it on purpose and allow myself to feel the sadness?

I made myself add the picture to this forum. I'm not sure why. It was during a time when I questioned if this, he, or our relationship was even real. I have a picture of him still sitting in a chair at our table. I have one in our bedroom by the mirror. I see them both everyday. I talk to him everyday. I kinda think I see the pictures as him, which might be weird. I know I'm still struggling with the finality of this. I can't watch videos or hear his voice. It hurts too much and I cry. I really am trying to get away from the sadness, the grief. I've actually wondered the same as you.. do I make myself watch the videos and cry or will I be ok if I just shut them out? I don't think I'll always shut them out. I think I'll want to watch them one day and actually be able to. I just know I can't and don't want to now. All that to say, I agree with KayC. 

On 4/12/2017 at 8:53 PM, fzald said:

I don't like being sad. It's not who I am, it's not my core personality. I've always been a happy, funny, laughing, high-spirited person. That is honestly one of the things that attracted my girl to me, she even said so, the fact that I conducted myself so smoothly and could find the humor in any situation, even a bad one.

I can relate to this. He loved that I laughed my way through life. I've done the best I can at being the old me while at work and around the kids. I try to be that way with friends. But when I'm alone, I'm incredibly uneasy, distraught. There's a calm in me when I'm being a mom, friend, employee. I have a purpose. When I'm alone I have to fight to remind myself of a purpose.

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Solomon'sGirl
On 4/12/2017 at 2:02 PM, KMB said:

Solomon's Girl,  Thanks for sharing. I'm glad the book was helpful for you. I haven't gotten to that one yet. I did read Dr. Weiss's *Only Love Is Real*.  As much as that book, along with many others, gives a measure of comfort that the love bond is always there, this is still the hardest trial of our life here. I guess our individual evolution through this process, our access to resources, and the continuing love connection will help see us through.

I have that book, too. I haven't read it yet. I have 3 books by him. All purchased after the accident because I was desperately trying to find a way to connect to Thad. This is absolutely the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. 

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Solomon'sGirl, The connection is always going to be there. I feel we just tend to forget when the emotions get the best of us. They see and hear us. Which is why I talk to my husband a lot. They communicate while we sleep. I only sleep for an hour or two, so I don't remember. There are days though when I get up and feel calmer, steadier. Maybe my husband is giving me pep talks and words of comfort that is in my subconscious. I will be with him again, it is just a matter of when. Just trying to make it through until that time..

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Years ago I read a post in a forum that was so good, I wish I'd printed it out.  The person who wrote the article was knowledgeable about brains.  They explained that there are different kinds of memory and ones associated with senses bring a strong emotional connection with it that remembers that memory is a strong way.  That's why a sight, sound, smell, can bring with it a trigger to another time associated with that sight, sound or smell.  The same can be true for pictures.  These memories are "saved" differently in our brain and when we recall them, it takes us right back to the time and place with instant recall. ( I wish I had the post because it explained it better.)

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I FOUND IT!!  I did a lot of searching, the original post was in marriagebuilders.com written by Mark1952 but apparently in 2008 there was a major crash and his thread was gone.  I enlisted the help of a techie friend and he found the same article posted in 2011 by Mark1952 at another site marriageadvocates.com under different heading, Emotional Memory Management - Dealing with Triggers, here it is:
(It's posted in segments but I found it worthy of reading)
http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/topics/68398/Re_Managing_the_Emotions_of_Ou

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Numb and Lost

I can't put into words how I feel. I don't even know how I feel. I just feel empty. I'm living and I even laugh at things sometimes but there is just a constant cloud of emptiness over my life and feelings that I can never resolve. Like you Fzald, I'm better than I was but I don't feel joyful or look forward to anything. My worst moments are still in the car when I'm alone. Sometimes I try to push through and push him out of my mind until I just can't do it anymore, and then I absorb myself in his pictures and anything else that makes me feel connected to him. If I do have moments that I'm laughing or moments of "happiness" I suddenly remember why I can't be happy. It isn't that I feel guilty about being happy or anything like that. It is truly that I remember in that moment he is gone forever. 

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I don't see how people ever return to a normal life and feel anything again after this. I feel like no matter how well I function, even if I am going about as business as usual every moment of it is done with immense pain in the background. Behind every fake smile is unending despair. I just feel like nothing matters like and it's just over for me. I just can't accept that I won't ever see him again and just continue on with any enjoyment of life. I know that I will NEVER feel that again, and it was never even really mine when I did feel it. It's hard to live after having felt that and to lose it before I even understood or made sense of it. I feel like I just want to stay in bed and curl up in a ball and die. 

Numb, 

I feel exactly this way. It will be 3 weeks on Monday and all i do is count the days without him and keep thinking about how i will ever be happy or even truly enjoy anything without him. I have read so many posts to try and have some hope but all i think is how can i make it that far? This is so painful, devastating, i can't see getting through it... I'm praying for you..

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Cat, back up, try not to think about the future, stay in today, it is enough to deal with.  That's how we get through this, one day at a time.  Then tomorrow we get up and do it all over again.  It is when we try to think ahead too far that we are daunted and it invites anxiety.  I can do today.  
Beyond that, I can't go there.

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Solomon'sGirl
On 4/14/2017 at 1:32 PM, KayC said:

I FOUND IT!!  I did a lot of searching, the original post was in marriagebuilders.com written by Mark1952 but apparently in 2008 there was a major crash and his thread was gone.  I enlisted the help of a techie friend and he found the same article posted in 2011 by Mark1952 at another site marriageadvocates.com under different heading, Emotional Memory Management - Dealing with Triggers, here it is:
(It's posted in segments but I found it worthy of reading)
http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/topics/68398/Re_Managing_the_Emotions_of_Ou

Very interesting, and it makes sense. I'm glad you found this. Thanks for sharing KayC

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KayC, Thank you for sharing the link. Made sense on how our memory system works and how we can modify what we choose to.

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Numb and Lost
On 4/15/2017 at 8:28 AM, Cat said:

I don't see how people ever return to a normal life and feel anything again after this. I feel like no matter how well I function, even if I am going about as business as usual every moment of it is done with immense pain in the background. Behind every fake smile is unending despair. I just feel like nothing matters like and it's just over for me. I just can't accept that I won't ever see him again and just continue on with any enjoyment of life. I know that I will NEVER feel that again, and it was never even really mine when I did feel it. It's hard to live after having felt that and to lose it before I even understood or made sense of it. I feel like I just want to stay in bed and curl up in a ball and die. 

Numb, 

I feel exactly this way. It will be 3 weeks on Monday and all i do is count the days without him and keep thinking about how i will ever be happy or even truly enjoy anything without him. I have read so many posts to try and have some hope but all i think is how can i make it that far? This is so painful, devastating, i can't see getting through it... I'm praying for you..

Thank you, I certainly need all the prayers I can get. I will pray for you too. It has almost been four months for me. I am better than I was in the very beginning. I can eat somewhat normal now and I'm not crying every second of the day. I still have suffocating moments of sadness and complete break down. There hasn't been a day that I have not cried at all. I am not myself anymore.  I really loved life. I loved doing all kinds of things and just had an enthusiasm for life. Now I just feel a constant overcasting cloud of depression no matter what I'm doing. I don't think I could ever be the person I once was after all of this. For me what hurts me the most still is the unresolved feelings and questions. I don't understand why I loved (still love) someone so much I wasn't meant to have. I question how he really felt about me more and more the longer he is gone. He just seems farther away with each passing day. I wish I would have asked him to tell me exactly how he felt. We had been planning to see each other in the next few days and I was looking forward to it so much. I feel like I'm still living in December sometimes. I'm still looking forward to seeing him, whenever that may be. 

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On 4/17/2017 at 8:18 AM, Numb and Lost said:

I don't understand why I loved (still love) someone so much I wasn't meant to have.

I don't know that there IS a "why".  I don't know that life is "planned out" so much as stuff happens randomly to us that we have to deal with, so it doesn't always make sense.  At least that's how it seems to me.

Why do you question how he felt about you just because he died?  He didn't remove himself from you, he died, he had no control over that.  It seems it must be based on your own insecurity rather than anything he said or did or you would have questioned it before.  I still think a counselor would be of help to you.  It's true for all of us that they can seem more distant the farther time goes, but then again, love doesn't die with the body so what we had still exists, we just can't talk it over like we used to be able to.

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Numb and Lost
17 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't know that there IS a "why".  I don't know that life is "planned out" so much as stuff happens randomly to us that we have to deal with, so it doesn't always make sense.  At least that's how it seems to me.

Why do you question how he felt about you just because he died?  He didn't remove himself from you, he died, he had no control over that.  It seems it must be based on your own insecurity rather than anything he said or did or you would have questioned it before.  I still think a counselor would be of help to you.  It's true for all of us that they can seem more distant the farther time goes, but then again, love doesn't die with the body so what we had still exists, we just can't talk it over like we used to be able to.

I question it because of the situation. We didn't really talk about it because it's like that made the guilt worse I guess. I start to question was it just lust for him, and stuff like that. In my heart I know it wasn't because I know how he acted around me but we just didn't talk about it. I thought I hadn't all the time in the world to ask and tell him just how I felt. I was even planning to when I was going to see him in the next few days. I talked to one of my close friends about it and she said she didn't think someone would keep coming back over five years if it was only lust and if there weren't deep feelings there. There was an undeniable crazy chemistry between us like nothing else from the day we met. I have NEVER felt anything like it and I'm sure I never will. Those feelings never faded either even after years. I just could never put into words what he means to me. 

 

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1 hour ago, Numb and Lost said:

I talked to one of my close friends about it and she said she didn't think someone would keep coming back over five years if it was only lust and if there weren't deep feelings there.

I agree, I think it was a connection but because he had a family he wasn't free to act upon it the way he would have had he been free to do so.  But that doesn't mean the connection is lost just because he died.  

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Numb and Lost

Thank you KayC.

I just feel like he's so far away. I feel like I can't remember what it felt like for him to be here because the pain is so great that's all I can feel. I can't put the feeling into words. I try to tell myself for a few minutes that it isn't true just so I can imagine how it would feel if weren't and I can't. I just have this feeling that I can't describe. I feel so lost and confused. A little earlier in the day I was doing okay but then I've been walking around randomly crying the past few hours. When it all hits it just hurts so much. Sometimes I'll turn the radio on and then all of a sudden I just hate it and turn it down quickly and I just get nauseated. I don't know how people have a meaningful life after this. The pain is just so bad. 

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10 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I don't know how people have a meaningful life after this.

I don't know about meaningful.  I have settled, I guess, just to continue with life and embrace what good there is and try and make it through the rest.  You have children, that is to be embraced!

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On 15/03/2017 at 1:24 PM, KayC said:

 

Numb and Lost

I am really sorry to read you keep having setbacks - they just keep coming don't they.  It's emotionally demanding and tiring trying to fight against the reality all the time. I am definitely a changed person and not for the better.  A fair while has passed now I'm thinking, do you think the reality is sinking in a bit deeper and making you feel even worse? I know what you feel about meaningful.  As long as you have your children you have not lost everything even though I imagine it feels that way. I'm sending you compassion.

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Numb and Lost
On 4/22/2017 at 6:39 AM, Zara19 said:

Numb and Lost

I am really sorry to read you keep having setbacks - they just keep coming don't they.  It's emotionally demanding and tiring trying to fight against the reality all the time. I am definitely a changed person and not for the better.  A fair while has passed now I'm thinking, do you think the reality is sinking in a bit deeper and making you feel even worse? I know what you feel about meaningful.  As long as you have your children you have not lost everything even though I imagine it feels that way. I'm sending you compassion.

Thank you Zara. I guess reality sets in more and more as time goes by. In the beginning I felt like I needed to do something. I didn't know what exactly but just felt there was just something. I wanted to try and contact a friend of his or something. I messaged a family member just saying I was a friend and sending condolences just to see if she might knows something. Now I feel even that was a mistake. It's just I was grasping for anything I could cling to. Now that feeling has settled and I know there is nothing that could make this better. I would still love to have something of his or talk to someone that might have known about me but I don't feel a need to seek it out. Its not like it would change things. I just commented the other day that I had stopped waking up with those few seconds  of forgetting he was gone. But then last night I dreamed that I was talking to him and he told me he had cancer and only had three months to live. I was very distressed in my dream and I woke up with a millisecond of relief that it was only a dream before remembering reality was actually worse than that. He was already gone and there wasn't warning or a goodbye. I feel like I must be either the weakest person ever or I just love so deeply, maybe both. I feel like some of y'all seem stronger than me. He just meant so much to me and I can never tell him and I can never ask what I meant to him. He is always always always on my mind. I looked at a picture of his family and as much as I love him seeing that picture of his wife and kids without him just broke me down so much. I don't think at 3 the youngest will even remember him and that hurts my heart so much. He had so much love for his kids. It all hurts. I feel like I just have a constant overshadow of sadness no matter what I'm doing. I can be doing daily chores, working etc and all of a sudden I just recall a memory and see his smiling face and I don't know how I can ever be okay. 

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