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Girlfriend died at age 22. Totally devastated.


fzald

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Things being the same is bittersweet. It feels like she should be here because everything else is as it was. But she isn't. Things that are the same no longer feel the same and at the same time they do. It's so surreal. I go to work and walk down the hall and think "I should see her coming towards me." But she never will. 

I still cannot think beyond today. Maybe I never will be able to again. The future was her. The life I wanted to live was her. I will live day to day from now on, barely making it through until I sleep, until the day I finally don't wake up again. My future has no point. I just exist now to exist until my body gives up like hers did. My soul wants to leave and follow her and my body won't let it. So my soul just has to sit and wait until my number is finally up.

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Numb and Lost

My break down just got worse. A girl posted pictures from highschool and he was in so many. He went to county school and I went to city. Apparently this girl dated him and she had a lot of pictures with him. I knew her because she went to my church. I think its so ironic I knew her all that time but didn't meet him until years later. I barely recognized him in the pictures. Funny I even felt jealous seeing him with her even though I didn't know him then. Seems really stupid considering he isn't even alive anymore. My heart seriously can't take it. I loved him so much. I just can't believe he is gone. I'm hurting so bad but I'm beside my child and husband trying to fight back tears. I am going to be so mentally messed up and absolutely miserable for the rest of my life. 

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Numb and Lost

I went to sleep crying and miserable and woke up this morning crying and miserable. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. 

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Numb and Lost,

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.  Sometimes I wish we weren't spread out all over the world, that we were just down the block from each other, could have a cup of coffee or tea together and give hugs to each other!  I'm sure you could use a shoulder to cry on now and then...hugs!

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My sleep last night was restless. I re-read some grief books before finally falling to sleep. I didn't have any dreams last night, which may be a good thing, but I still wake up every morning and have to force myself to get up and go. I often wish I could just lay in bed all day and sleep even more, doing nothing. I still wish sometimes I could just pass on. 

The thing is, what I REALLY want is something I can never have. When I think "I wish I could die", I realize what I'm really thinking is "I wish I could be with my love again." If there were a way for her to come back to this world, would I want to die? Of course not. I would want to continue sharing this world as we did until two months ago. So I feel like I'm in a state of "settling for the next best thing" which would be seeing her in another world and leaving everything in this world and everything we shared behind.

Today marks 8 weeks to the day since I last saw her alive. There's still technically 11 days until her actual death will be two months in the past. But to me, she died the last day I talked to her, because I believe she was already gone when she passed out. The author of one of my grief books I've been reading suffered the loss of her husband to a sudden aneurysm too, he was alive one day and the next day went to the ER with a massive headache, went into a coma and died. This kind of death is so tragic, so unbearable. I am not trying to minimize anyone else's grief, but "expected death" seems to have a somewhat different social response. If you know someone might die, people will be there to support not only you but the person who is dying. When they do die, everyone has already mourned a lot, and in some cases it can be a relief that the person isn't suffering. For me, and for anyone who suffered sudden unexpected death with no prior pain, there's none of this to comfort you. My love was not in pain, she was not ill, her death was not the final paragraph of a heart-wrenching painful tragic story. It was as unexpected as they come. 

I've said this many days, but today I'm really not doing well. St. Patricks day is today, and that was one of her favorite holidays. If she were here, we'd probably be planning to go out for drinks later. I still cannot accept her being gone forever. I still look for her in crowds, think I hear her coming down the hall, even sometimes think I hear her voice in a crowd. It's so gut-wrenching. Reality sucks.

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Numb and Lost

Thank you KayC. It is so hard when no one I know cares about him too. I sent my friends that know the pictures I saw of him that got me so upset, but of course they didn't even respond. It doesn't mean anything to them. It's like I just want to share things but nobody cares, because I don't know anyone that knows him. I grew up with the girl that posted the pics but I haven't talked to her in years.

Fzald you are right about unexpected death. I know death is always hard no matter what, but it seems like it would be a little easier if I had known beforehand and had a chance to say things I needed to say, see him one more time, and say goodbye. At 34 he was just here one day and gone the next, killed in an accident just a few min from his house. He was almost home. I try to go about my day and live but I think about it and I just get nauseated. My mother called me last night when I was crying and she was surprised and asked what triggered it. I told her nothing triggers it l. I have these moments every day. Sometimes if there is a trigger like seeing those pictures it's even worse, but it happens every day all the time. I keep writing him texts then deleting them when I'm done because I just want to talk to him. 

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On 15/03/2017 at 1:24 PM, KayC said:

 

Fzald

I'm sorry you have had another shocking and despairing day.  I understand what you mean regarding sudden/expected passings. (Note I can't say the Day word).  Each type I suppose brings different challenges, questions and pain.  I'm sure you have seen the article online that states expected passings are like facing the ocean and being swept out to sea by a wave, whereby sudden passings are like standing with your back to the ocean and being swept out to sea by the wave.  The loss of my Husband was anticipated and I thought that would give me time to show him love and attention in those extra weeks but then they were snatched from me very, very suddenly so I experienced a bit of both.  I suppose sudden means there is the possibility for PTSD to sneak in as well which adds to the distress.

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I have such disconcerting thoughts sometimes. Sometimes at work, I feel energized. Like I actually get things done. But sometimes when I look into my feelings a bit, I realize that I only get that way when I'm right in the midst of intense denial. I work hard because I expect her to come to work tomorrow and I want to catch her up on what she missed and what she can do to help. As soon as I remember she's gone forever, I collapse. Any energy I had disappears. 

It's a vicious cycle. I go into denial and then feel better. But then I face the truth again and hit a lower bottom than I was at before. 

It feels like my choices are to be in denial and get things done, or not be in denial and be consistently sad and non-functional. 

My (our) supervisor took me aside today and asked what he could do to help. He told me he misses her at work very much, and wishes he could do something, anything to make it better for me. The thing is there's nothing anyone can do. He knows this but he's still asking just to be considerate. He thanked me for being here as much as I can and said that even though I'm performing under he's giving me excellent reviews. This guy is amazing. But there's nothing anyone can do to help. She's gone forever. I find myself reminding myself of that, even though it hurts every time. I don't know if it's me trying to "actively grieve" or what, but I actually get worried when I'm in denial and functioning well, because denial just seems to be a waste of time now.

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Zara,

I suppose anticipated death still can become sudden if the person dies far before they were expected to. When my friend passed from cancer in 2004, he was given 3 months to live and he survived for about 2. But he had been pretty ill for months prior to this, his cancer battle lasted almost a year. I feel like I slowly, slowly grieved over the course of the entire year. When he did pass, I cried, I hurt, I felt terrible. But I adjusted relatively well. Some of it may have been my age, and the fact that it was my first significant loss, and also the fact that even though we were still close friends, he had gotten married and was starting his own life, so we weren't talking quite as frequently as we had used to. 

I feel like I got all the bad cards all at once. Not only did I lose my girlfriend suddenly without any warning, but I lost my girlfriend. Someone who I was even closer to than my friend. Someone who I spent every day with. Someone who I had future plans TOGETHER with. MY friend and I had parallel life paths, we were always going to be in each other's lives but still with some separation. My girl and I on the other hand were basically on the same life path. We were parallel like two lanes on one road, whereas my friend was parallel like the street a block over. 

St. Patrick's day was one of my girl's favorite holidays. Perhaps this is why today has been particularly challenging. But every day has been challenging. I have tried to get into some new things but I can't even focus, I just want to share these new things with her. I want to keep sharing this world with her and that will never be. It's so depressing.

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On 15/03/2017 at 1:24 PM, KayC said:

 

Fzald

I sometimes feel "denial" is getting harder and harder to sustain.  It's like the power to resist is diminishing - then what?  How much harder will that be to bear.  Maybe that's grief doing its job in the background but resistance to the reality is the only thing that gets the day over.

 

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Numb and Lost

I can't get past the denial. I know it's real but it just doesn't seem like it can be. It doesn't seem like this could have really happened. When I dreamed it and feared it I pushed it out thinking that won't happen. Usually your worst dreams and fears don't come true. I just can see him and hear him in my mind and my heart just cannot understand or accept that he really isn't here anymore. This is such a cliche statement but it truely still seems like a bad dream that I'm going to wake up from. 

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You know, it might be even worse because she was out of town when it happened, so in my mind she's still just out of town. If I had seen her collapse, or had been with her in the hospital, or anything like that, I think I'd have to face the loss of denial much faster. But I wasn't there for any of her last moments. I was one of the last people she talked to other than the people she was in person with, but I was not there to see her last moments.  So to me maybe it's still just that she's away, coming back eventually, almost like she's still in the hospital and we don't know if she's going to wake up from the coma, rather than being dead. 

It's so unreal. My heart also just can't accept this reality. The further away it gets, the more days that go by without her in this world, seem to make it just harder and harder. Denial of course has to wear off eventually, and I am actually afraid of what will happen to me then. So far I've barely functioned. What if denial goes and I lose all my functioning and end up not even being able to work at all? 

This is the definition of torture. Anything that a bad government or military could do to me would be preferable to this pain. If I were told that if I revealed some kind of secret that my love would return to me, I'd probably do it. If I were threatened with death, I'd say "go ahead." If a robber pulls a gun on me I'd probably egg him on to get shot. For a while I even considered "Accidentally" walking out into the road on a red light. Whatever will to survive I have left kept me from doing something that drastic, but I still do wish that I could just go in my sleep sometimes.

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50 minutes ago, fzald said:

If I had seen her collapse, or had been with her in the hospital, or anything like that, I think I'd have to face the loss of denial much faster.

fzalld, I'm sorry but I don't think so. I knew my wife was about to leave me. I found her on our bathroom floor when I got back that night. I still don't believe it's real. A loss like that can never be dealt with in any timely manner. We just have to go through the whole process of grieving. There's no shortcut, no way to ease the pain.
The only thing that matters is how close your were, not the circumstances of the death.

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fzald physical pain still scares me. although I would do anything to have gran back and well. or at least to KNOW she is well somewhere...
I feel like I'm actually still experiencing denial. I know she's dead. I saw her the day she died. I tried cpr. I waited for the cops. They just wanted to "remove the body".  It still hurts to see that image of her. Just lying there. I couldn't even say the word dead. and it still feels not real. none of this feels real at all. i don't know what that means but I suppose denial is a factor.
I am so lost now. The more time I spent with her, the more I got attached. I was there for her almost 24/7. Now, it feels like she's gone too soon. I still don't get it. I am sickened by the world I live in. It is really so sadistic that I think there must be something more elsewhere. I am so done.

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Numb and Lost

I can't use the word dead either. I don't even speak of him in past tense most of the time. I don't want to say I loved him because I still do love him whether he is here or not. I can't stand when people act like I'm just supposed to forget about him like he didn't even exist. "You have to focus on what's here" they say. I looked at his wife's Facebook and she is smiling really big in every recent picture. It makes me upset and I don't know why. She hasn't posted anything about him at all since he died but comments on everything else. I'm sure that is just her way of dealing with it. He talked like she was a private person. It just bothers me though. I don't feel like smiling period much less in a picture. I don't even want to be in a picture at all. 

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Denial seems it affords our bodies the way of dealing with this little by little as we are able rather than hitting is all at once full force.  We absorb and process this little by little.  It's a very hard process but try not to worry about not being able to get through it...we do, there's nothing to fear, after all, the worst has already happened.

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I talked to a friend of hers today. I was casual friends with this girl, we know each other and have talked through the years, but not super close. But I did learn something.

I found out that despite having a viewing, she indeed was cremated as per her wishes.  I didn't know this was something that was done, because she was obviously embalmed when I saw her body, and also her obituary specifically stated a "burial", so I assumed she was buried as I saw her. I am annoyed that I had not heard of this a while back, and that her family still chooses to basically ignore my existence and the fact that I was a major part of her life. 

I thought this would relieve some of my feelings, but it really hasn't. I think what it has done is chip away further at the denial I've been subconsciously trying to hold on to. Now there is a clear explanation for the lack of a grave site. I am thrilled that she got what she wanted in the end. But I still have to accept what I don't want to.

Her actual date of death was 7 weeks ago today. The time warp is still there, it feels like she was here last week and that she's been gone for years all at once. The memories of her are still so fresh and raw. The knowledge that our time was cut short is still so present in my mind. 

I find now that sometimes, as the day rolls on, I feel slightly less sad. But each morning brings the sadness right back to the front. I still struggle to wake up every morning. I struggle to find any reason to face the day. Some people are starting to tell me that this is a sign it's time to find some new purpose, some reason to wake up every day that isn't her, and that I'm focusing too much on her and that's why I'm sad every day. <sigh> People still don't get it.

I went out shopping today and discovered that the very last movie we saw in the movie theater together back in January was recently released on DVD. I picked up a copy. I don't know how watching it will make me feel, but maybe it's worth a try. Either way it was a good film so I'll want to own it anyway, but I'm sure at least the first time will bring back tons of bittersweet memories of one of our last great happy moments together.

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Numb and Lost

No people don't get it at all. I'm functioning in public better most of the time. My friends and mother thought I must be "getting better." No I've just learned to live like a robot. I can even conversate normally most of the time but when I get in the car I cry. I went for a 3 mile run today and cried most of the time. Just knowing he isn't here makes me feel an emptiness I can't describe. When I used to be busy doing things, or even times we weren't talking or seeing each other I was still happy and loved life. I just liked knowing he was here and knowing when I saw him or talked to him again was something to look forward to. Now I just live to make it until tomorrow. I function. My house is clean, laundry is done, my kids are taken care of but I just have an overwhelming emptiness. 

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1 hour ago, fzald said:

I'm sure at least the first time will bring back tons of bittersweet memories of one of our last great happy moments together.

It seems quite the juxtaposition...it's hard to pass up a movie we watched together, but hard to watch it.

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48 minutes ago, Numb and Lost said:

My friends and mother thought I must be "getting better." No I've just learned to live like a robot.

I'm glad you can get away and cry sometimes.  I think it helps to get it out.

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The absolute finality is still the part that hits me over and over every time.

The whole "NEVER again" part.

Like you Numb, even when we were apart, even if we weren't going to see each other for a sizable length of time, I always knew there would be a next time. The thoughts of that next time kept me going. I could function just fine even without her physically here because of the KNOWLEDGE that she was still in the world and that soon we would see each other again.

It's so weird to me how our emotions are so affected by conceptual, non-physical events. I mean, it's always hard to be physically apart from someone you love, but knowing there will soon be a time when you are with them? That makes everything that much more livable. When she was alive, even her being away for a few weeks at a time was something I could handle. Of course I missed her. I thought of her. But I knew she would come back, so I was fine. I didn't have any depression, empty feelings, any of that. Even that last week, she was out of town on a vacation, but until I knew the horrible truth I thought she was coming back and I was fine. Even when she was unconscious, I was fine because I had hope of her return. The knowledge that she would, or maybe would, return was enough to keep me going. A simple fact, the fact that she died and that "soon" became "never", changed my entire emotional state. But physically? I mean, she's gone physically, but she was also gone physically during that first week and I was functioning just fine. 

How do people deal with that "never" part? Even thinking of her in the afterlife isn't very comforting, because we will "never" have THIS world, the life we had, the life we were building, again. We will never raise children together in this world. We will never eat our favorite foods together again. We will never see the latest and best movies together again. We will never sit in our office again together. So many "nevers". It's so unbearable

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I don't know, maybe we will have movies, favorite foods, etc.  There's a lot we don't know, so I'm hoping it's not a whole lot different, just improved.  No more politics. :)

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Yes, the "nevers" are unbearable. But one thing that shifted in my mind just last week (I had a very spiritual thing happen) is that even though I no longer have a relationship with the human/physical Pat, I truly feel a deeper spiritual connection to him. Hard to explain but I feel that we now have a different relationship. In a way I actually feel closer to him now, but on a different level. And I also feel that my love for him gets stronger as the days go by. Yes all the horrible pain is still there but there is a kind of peacefulness knowing that this new kind of relationship is so deep and so strong. I truly feel that our souls or spirits are so deeply connected and forever. 

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Numb and Lost

I always felt like I met him for a reason. When I tried to resist it I ran into him again and again in the most odd of places. So I felt like we had to be drawn to each other for some reason. I always felt that so strongly. I thought maybe at some point later in the future it would be right somehow even if we had to end up parting ways in what was our current situation. (We parted ways a few times but just couldn't seem to keep it that way) I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm so confused. My hope is that my feelings were right and that I did meet him for a reason and maybe I won't understand it until I die. I hope maybe at that time I can have some sort of relationship to him that is special in some way. I'm just not strong enough for this. It just hurts too much. I just don't even know what to feel anymore. I don't feel like I even know who I am. I wake up in the morning and besides things that have to be done I don't know what to do with myself. I look at pictures of him and that makes me sad but I'm just as sad if I don't look. He was just so full of life and had such a big heart it just doesn't seem like he could be gone. His kids need him, and it is all just ripping my heart to shreds. 

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10 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Yes, the "nevers" are unbearable. But one thing that shifted in my mind just last week (I had a very spiritual thing happen) is that even though I no longer have a relationship with the human/physical Pat, I truly feel a deeper spiritual connection to him. Hard to explain but I feel that we now have a different relationship. In a way I actually feel closer to him now, but on a different level. And I also feel that my love for him gets stronger as the days go by. Yes all the horrible pain is still there but there is a kind of peacefulness knowing that this new kind of relationship is so deep and so strong. I truly feel that our souls or spirits are so deeply connected and forever. 

I feel the same way.  I miss having him here in the flesh but our connection has never left.  I don't know if that makes any sense or not, but just because we don't get to communicate or touch each other, the connection is still strong, I don't think anything could ever sever that.

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10 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I always felt like I met him for a reason. When I tried to resist it I ran into him again and again in the most odd of places. So I felt like we had to be drawn to each other for some reason. I always felt that so strongly. I thought maybe at some point later in the future it would be right somehow even if we had to end up parting ways in what was our current situation. (We parted ways a few times but just couldn't seem to keep it that way) I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm so confused. My hope is that my feelings were right and that I did meet him for a reason and maybe I won't understand it until I die. I hope maybe at that time I can have some sort of relationship to him that is special in some way. I'm just not strong enough for this. It just hurts too much. I just don't even know what to feel anymore. I don't feel like I even know who I am. I wake up in the morning and besides things that have to be done I don't know what to do with myself. I look at pictures of him and that makes me sad but I'm just as sad if I don't look. He was just so full of life and had such a big heart it just doesn't seem like he could be gone. His kids need him, and it is all just ripping my heart to shreds. 

I pray you can find some peace instead of confusion.  You can cling to your beliefs while still valuing the good you had with him, that still remains even if they die physically.

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I firmly believe that my girl coming into my life was not an accident. They say that every tragedy is the start of a new beginning.

When I broke up with my girlfriend back in 2009, it crushed me. I was a wreck. I grieved hard. I thought my life was over. I felt many of the same things I do now, but differently, because she was still out there and alive. I hoped and prayed for a second chance with her. It didn't happen. After about six months of agony I started to pull out of it. I slowly found little joys again. I still hoped for another chance but less so than I did at first. 

After a year and a half of being single, I started to become interested in dating again. I tried a couple dates but nothing went well. But just at the right time, my girl showed up in my life. She gave me a new outlook, a reason to try again. I was hesitant, but she truly was there exactly when I needed her. She opened my heart again. Not just opened it, but warmed it, nurtured it and embraced it. I loved like I never loved before.

My life worked out just right, she came into my life at the right moment, and I came into hers at the right moment as well. I truly believe we were meant to be together. 

I cant accept that nature, god, whatever, took her away on purpose. The best I can do is think that what was intended for us was painfully and horribly cut short, and that I actually was intended to be with her until we grew old. Her physical body gave up but her spirit wasn't ready to give up. 

Rough morning again. I can find a little peace in the evenings sometimes but mornings are when I just want to curl up and die. I still don't know how to get past that. Each day I have to spend without her is another day of pain and misery. I don't want to keep feeling this way every day. It is so tiring and so exhausting and makes me want to just give up.

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Numb and Lost

Thank you KayC. Fzald I think one reason mornings are the worst, besides the nanosecond of denial, is we know we have the whole day ahead of us to face the pain. There is nothing that we want to do as there used to be. We just sit or lay most of the day trying to continuously work through this thing that can't be worked out. The counselor told me they start to worry when someone is still in this state at 6 months. Well I am pretty sure not much will change in how I feel in 3 months from now. 

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Numb and lost - There is no textbook timeframe for our grief. I'm surprised a counselor said that about the six months  Im at the 2 and a half month mark and I can't imagine feeling much better at 6 months   I can't imagine being without him for 6 months   Scary thought. I don't want to think that far ahead.

Yes, mornings are rough. That's when I do most of my crying. If not when I first wake up, then it hits me in the shower.   But today I had a huge trigger. Went for a long walk and stopped at a coffee shop for a frozen drink. A little treat to make me feel better. I sat there and watched all the people coming and going. Then noticed a couple in line and they gave each other a quick little kiss. That did it. The tears just came. I couldn't control it. It reminded me of how happy Pat and I were together doing anything, even waiting in line.  We would often give each other little kisses like that. Will I ever be able to be "normal" out in the real world????

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I did some work on a project tonight. Mostly to try to at least temporarily distract myself from this pain. I feel pain 24/7, I feel like a little respite shouldn't Be much to ask.....

I got a few things done. Stuff that was actually fun and accomplished. And as soon as I was done, I crashed deeper all over again. I just wished I could tell her about it, show her what I accomplished, share in the tiny little everyday successes. 

I have to work tomorrow. Right now I feel semi OK. But I know the morning will again bring pain and suffering. Going to sleep is a treat but it comes with a price. I wish I could just wake up without feeling so down and depressed. It's so painful to wake every day and not want to face the day. I can't even force myself out of bed some days and end up calling in or one time I just didn't show up. It's horrible.

why is it so much to ask, to just be a little level for a while without crashing and paying dearly for any respite? 

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I feel the same way, that George and I met definitely for a reason.  We were soul mates, looking for each other long before we knew of the other's existence.  Almost like there was an awareness that the other person had to be out there somewhere.  And when we met, we knew.

I also don't think God "took him from me".  Life or should I say death, seems rather random when you think about it.  One gets to live one day, another 100 years.  They talk about average life expectancy for males...he definitely got gypped if you take that as a given.  But the truth is, none of us have a guarantee of a certain number of years here, regardless of average life spans.  Throw the numbers away, they don't mean anything, at least we can't count on them.  Here I am, 12 years later, Lord only knows how long I'll have to go it alone, but this one thing I know:  I WILL be with him again!  Someone asked in another thread, how do we have faith?  That's a hard one to answer, I guess that's why I didn't try to there.  But the Bible says we start with faith the size of a mustard seed...that is really small.  Faith, like anything else, takes practice, exercise, to grow.  Start with the size of a mustard seed and go from there.  Just believe.  Believe what you want and grow it.  If that doesn't make sense, I'm sorry, it's a hard one to explain.  I believe with what I know in my heart to be true.  Each one has to believe for themselves.  We might all believe differently, that's okay, what's important is it's what keeps us going.  Give yourself hope, belief, faith, it's the greatest gift we can possess.

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Eight weeks ago today, at 8:18 AM, my girlfriend left me an audio message. It said "Hey, remember to ask if we're going to be on the new project. Talk to you later!"

It is the last message I will ever receive from her. 

Details have slowly trickled in, but it sounds like she left me that message while she was eating breakfast. Only a couple hours later, she would pass out, never to awaken again. People who were with her said that her last actual words were "I feel dizzy."

I still can't believe it. I still can't fully take it in. A life can end so quickly with no warning. In some ways, she got a gift. The gift of not knowing it's coming, of being able to live until the very end without having to think about her own death, worry about it, deal with putting things in order. She lived until her last moment, without even an inkling of a hint that her last moment was coming.

I have always said I wish for a quick, painless death in which I don't know it's coming. I used to think of the people in 9/11, who had a few moments to call their loved ones to say goodbye. Or those people who are in a hostage situation and have some period of time where they know their life could end at any second. The awareness of death. That's what I wanted to avoid. My girl did get to avoid it, of course she knew she would die someday but she avoided knowing when and how.

I still don't know when or how, but I know now the finality, the harsh reality, the absolute indifference of the universe when it comes to death. People live and then they die. When people die, that's it. Some of us are lucky enough to not know the end is coming. Others have the horror of knowing for minutes, hours, months, even years that their end is coming. But it's coming for all of us someday. I know the effects that death will leave on the rest of the world. A sudden death is a gift to the one who dies, but it's an immeasurably worse agony for the survivors. No time to prepare. No time to say goodbye. No time to put affairs in order. No time to ask those final questions. For those of us who suffered a sudden death, we're left holding the bag, unanswered questions and unfulfilled dreams, futility and emptiness. 

The meaning of life is to love and be loved. It's to share the world with people we love. It's to meet that one soulmate, that person who fills your heart with joy and happiness, who when you're with nothing can bring you down, and who even when you argue and disagree, you find your way back together because your love is transcendent, it's a stronger force than any anger or disagreement, it's a stronger force than any stress, frustration or hatred. That's the meaning of life. I found that meaning in her. I loved her with all of me. Sometimes I wasn't as loving as I could be, but I know I'm not perfect. I gave her what I could whenever I could. I had committed to a long happy life with her, and her presence in my life made my life so much more meaningful and worth living. Now, her absence drains me empty. It leaves me wishing and yearning for something that can never be. I still doubt my beliefs now, in the afterlife, and worry that the only way my girl is going to "exist" anymore is through my memories, through those things that once I pass on, will be gone as well. Futility, most of us are insignificant in the grand scheme, no matter how much meaning we seek, most of us will not be remembered long after our deaths. Some people are lucky to be remembered almost forever, famous ancient figures, famous musicians, people from throughout history who we still recognize and remember today, but many of us will slip out of existence quietly, with a paragraph or two in the newspaper to remember us by, and eventually those will be gone too. 

Today is a down day. Working, but barely working. Everything I do, every task I accomplish is a reminder of how much I wish I could share with her and how much I will never be able to again. A constant reminder of her absence. I miss being happy, being upbeat and funny, but she took those parts of me with her. I am only a shell now, a biological creature who exists to eat and breathe, but not to have a higher purpose like I used to. She was my higher purpose. She was the fuel for my fire. Most of me has died along with her.

I miss her more than I've ever missed anyone or anything. 

I have no idea how to get through the next hour. Or even the next minute.

 

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fzald, I can relate to your post. The futility.

When my husband's father passed away, he didn't want a service of any kind. He had a will made out, casket and burial plot already paid for. Due to it being early spring and the ground frozen, burial internment was held off. When the funeral director called to let us know of the burial date, I was surprised to learn that there were other people at the burial. They did not know my father in law. I found out that these few people went to every burial service. Just so that every person being buried knew that someone did care, especially if there were few family/friends present. I thought that was so touching. No futility there. Every person's life does have worth.

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Numb and Lost

Faith as small as a mustard seed, that is what I have when I write a letter to him and believe perhaps God will really show it to him as I prayed. Because why not? I won't know, but even the thought that he might is an encouragement. It's painful to watch life keep going without missing a beat. Sometimes I watch all the cars, people coming and going as if nothing has changed. I feel like it should all stop in his absence but it doesn't. I'm having periods of complete breakdowns followed by periods of numbness and confusion. It's so pretty today and the perfect temperature and all I can think about is how he would have wanted to be here riding that stupid motorcycle, the one that killed him. 

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The weather has been beautiful here too. When I left work today i walked past the benches outside where we would often sit on nice days just to talk. More sadness....

Practically, I know i can go on. 

Emotionally, I can't. 

I wish I could think of her and our happy times and remember them as happy. It's not that I don't remember our happy times, but they make me so sad now. The good times we shared are not a comfort yet. They are a reminder of what I have lost.

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fzald,

It will change.  Memories brought me immense pain in the early months of my grief but eventually those memories have brought me comfort and a smile as I remember them.  It changes...thank God.

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Fzald it's the same for me. I can't think about memories at all without breaking down in tears. I might smile when I think about them but I'm also crying tears of sadness at the same time. This morning I thought so this is it? I'm just going to get up every day and push myself through the day every day for the rest of my life depressed? Even if I'm not crying I'm just here. I can be working, cleaning, etc but it still just feels like waiting on the day to end. I dreamed last night that I found out it wasn't true and he was alive. I got a call in my dream that I just knew was him and it was around 10. Last time I talked to him I told him to call me if he could around 10ish the next day. The last text I got from him was around 10. I was so happy and relieved in my dream. I dreamed he died and he did in real life so I think why can't this dream come too. I have times now that I'm okay but it's because I am pushing the finality of it out of my mind . When it comes back and I can't push it away any longer I feel like I absolutely can't handle it at all. I just can't stand it and I feel like I can't go on.  I can't stop thinking about that text I never responded to.

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I feel like I'm beginning to move in to a new phase. Not better, just new. Lately, I find myself thinking directly of her less. She is always a thought away, but if I am just sitting and thinking, I am not thinking of just her and nothing else. 

But that doesn't mean I'm not sad. The sadness is ever-present. It's a dark cloud. It never goes away. Regardless of whether I'm actively thinking about her, it doesn't matter. I could be thinking about things that had nothing to do with her whatsoever, and I still am sad. It's almost like some kind of emotion disassociation, everything is sad now, even if it shouldn't be.

If I deliberately think about her, the sadness doesn't seem to change much, but I become more aware of it. I FEEL it more immensely. When I'm not thinking of her, it's still there, affecting my actions and my mood. 

An empty feeling is another way to say it. We've used that word a lot around here, but that's what it is. An empty feeling, that something is missing.

And I sometimes still have that feeling of waiting. For what? I don't know. For her to come back? Obviously I know that's impossible, but when I walk around the office and go about my day, I still feel something is wrong because she's not here, and that "it will resolve itself" by her coming back. For me to be happy? I don't know when or even if that will truly happen. 

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For any day that I make any progress the next day I feel completely hopeless. I don't know how anyone is ever okay after this. The last time I ever heard from him was a text exactly three months ago today. All I want to do is cry and sleep. I don't think I will ever be okay. I just can't cope with this at all. 

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The last time I hugged and kissed my love was 60 days ago.

60 days. Sounds like an eternity, and at the same time it still feels like yesterday that I saw her last. I can still picture her, imagine her walking down the hall at work, I can stil picture her in my house, I can picture her walking around outside at our office and the places nearby. I pass by her house and still imagine she's in there. 

Simple common phrases like "the rest of my life" have taken on a strange meaning for me. The rest of my life... could be 50 years, or it could be 10 minutes. "Tomorrow" may not happen. "Next week" is an eternity away. People at work ask if I can meet with them "in April." I feel strange answering "Yes I can". My girl said the same thing to people, the week before she left she told people she would meet with them on January 30th. January 30th was two days after she passed away. That was the day we suspended most work in our department and had a celebration/memorial for her. But it was so wrong. Even in the midst of all of that I expected her to walk in and say "I'm here for the meeting." That was only a week after I'd seen her last, and now we're over 8 weeks since then, but I still don't feel like much time has passed. 

I feel absolutely miserable again. It's when I'm at home, alone, with nothing to keep me occupied, that I remember so many things about her. I find things that remind me of her as I idly touch things on my bookshelves or tables. It's still impossible to believe she is gone forever. She intended to come back and see me. She intended to keep living. It's still so wrong. So out of place. So empty.

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fzald---it is wrong. It is empty. My husband's jacket still over a kitchen chair. The same jacket he would be wearing on this cool, spring day if he were here. His keys and cellphone still on the table. His packet of cigars and lighter. He always put the cigars, lighter, in a shirt pocket before leaving the house. I still remember him laying all his things on the table his last day here, when we came inside for supper. if his shirt collar was flipped up before he went out the door, I would straighten it for him. We were always joking and laughing. My insides are still ripped to shreds that my love was taken from this life we so loved together.

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They say it evolves.

I don't know, but for me it's evolving for the worse.

At first, my pain was very acute. Painful. Stabs of agony. Sometimes a short period of calm, like after the funeral on the way home. But still intense, agonizing pain.

Now the intensity is a bit less, but the chronic nature is unrelenting. Everything I do has a dark cloud over it. I have nothing to look forward to. No happiness. Nothing left in life. 

People at work talk about future projects and plans. I can't get into it. My heart's not in it at all. I am just doing what I have to do today. Thinking about a project that will go on for "weeks" or "months" is impossible for me. Something that's going to happen "tomorrow" is even hard. If it's not happening right now, it doesn't matter to me. Even if it is happening right now, I'm not with it totally. I am masking my pain with work. I already can tell this is where I'm heading, and I know that's bad, but what choice do I have?

"It's what you do with the time that makes the difference." What else can I do? What else can I possibly do to make anything any better? When she was alive but away, the knowledge of her return was what I needed. It's what gave me the strength to continue. But now I have to face the "forever". Never again. No matter what, she will never again walk the Earth. Never again laugh her cute laugh. Never again light up a room as she enters. Never again give me her absolutely insightful advice on things. Never again hug me, kiss me, make love to me. Never again fill my life with everything any man could ever ask for.

If the evolution of grief is going to keep going downward like it is right now, I don't know I'll be able to handle it.

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fzald, I know what you mean. This isn't my husband going to work or going off to visit a friend. He is not returning, period. I have no homecoming to look forward to. i could sit in a chair in front of the window, waiting , watching down the road and I would be sitting there forever.

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Sometimes I still stop on the sidewalk outside of work and look down the street, thinking she'll be coming up the road towards the office like she always used to.

Sometimes I stop out in the hall by the restroom, because sometimes we would walk together and we'd wait for the other. I stand there waiting, thinking she's coming out in a moment. Of course she isn't.

Sometimes I sit at the snack bar and wait for her to join me. 

Sometimes I stop at the snack bar on my way into work and grab her favorite drink from the cooler. And then I remember she's not here anymore. And then I cry in front of the cashier. She likes me and liked her a lot so she's pretty understanding, but it's still just so painful.

I go by her house and think she's in there. 

There's so many things in the world that are "the same" as if she were just gone temporarily. Like she was gone for the week when she passed out. I didn't expect to see her that week because I knew where she was. But she never came back. I still feel sometimes like she is, even though I know she's not. 

It's horrible. It hurts all over again every single time. 

It's just unfair.

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Numb and Lost

I still look for him when I'm driving. If I see a truck like his I look at it just like I used to when he was alive, like he might be in there or something. Of course I know he isn't, but I look anyway. Sometimes if I see one up ahead of me I even try to catch up to it. The only thing I look forward to is going to bed at night because I can sleep and not feel the pain. Last night my dream was painful though. I dreamed I was going through a stack of pictures of him crying. I knew he was gone in my dream, but I thought "this has to be a dream and I'll wake up from it." But of course I just woke up to the reality that he is truly gone. 

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I do the same thing while I'm driving. I look at every car that looks like his. I know it won't be him driving but something makes me look. This has been happening since the day he died. 

I came home last night from my trip to LA to see my daughter. It was an emotional roller coaster while I was out there but overall it was a nice change of scenery and was so good to get away from the cold weather and sit in the sunshine. 

The night before I left I had quite a "grief wave" in front of my daughter. I was getting anxious about going back home and I thought, "Pat should be meeting me at the airport".  But it hit me hard knowing that I would not be going home to him. He would not be meeting me at the airport, ever. 

Now I'm home and back to my sad reality. I need to figure out what my next steps are. I don't have Pat here. I don't have a job here. My daughter is 3000 miles away. What's keeping me here?  Maybe theres a reason I haven't gotten the jobs here I've been interviewing for. Maybe I am meant to make a move. I did make some connections out there through my professional association so we'll see. Like my good friend john said "listen to your heart and it will all fall into place". 

i miss him so much. How ironic...Pat would be the one I could talk to about big decisions like this and he's not here. Though I have been praying to him, asking for guidance. He would always say things I needed to hear. I hope I can still hear him somehow. 

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21 minutes ago, HHFaith said:

I do the same thing while I'm driving. I look at every car that looks like his. I know it won't be him driving but something makes me look. This has been happening since the day he died. 

I came home last night from my trip to LA to see my daughter. It was an emotional roller coaster while I was out there but overall it was a nice change of scenery and was so good to get away from the cold weather and sit in the sunshine. 

The night before I left I had quite a "grief wave" in front of my daughter. I was getting anxious about going back home and I thought, "Pat should be meeting me at the airport".  But it hit me hard knowing that I would not be going home to him. He would not be meeting me at the airport, ever. 

Now I'm home and back to my sad reality. I need to figure out what my next steps are. I don't have Pat here. I don't have a job here. My daughter is 3000 miles away. What's keeping me here?  Maybe theres a reason I haven't gotten the jobs here I've been interviewing for. Maybe I am meant to make a move. I did make some connections out there through my professional association so we'll see. Like my good friend john said "listen to your heart and it will all fall into place". 

i miss him so much. How ironic...Pat would be the one I could talk to about big decisions like this and he's not here. Though I have been praying to him, asking for guidance. He would always say things I needed to hear. I hope I can still hear him somehow. 

I'm sure part of your hesitation to move is feeling like you are leaving Pat behind since that is where you lived together. He was never even in my house but I almost dread moving just because I have memories of talking to him in this house. I am sitting right now the last place I saw his face in a FaceTime call. Sometimes I hold my phone up like it was when I was talking to him in that moment and it feels like it was just a few minutes ago. The memories are all we have left. But of course we will have our memories no matter where we move. I have found nothing consoles me so I am going to be depressed whether here or there. I'm sure being close to your daughter would be nice though. 

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Pat and I didn't live together though we had talked about it and I'm sure that would have happened at some point. Yes we will always have our memories. Those will be with us wherever we are. They are with us wherever we are. I think it is up to us all to figure out how to go on living and have a different kind of relationship with our loved ones. What that means I don't really know yet but I'm trying. Even with all of this grief and the crap that goes along with it, I still have a glimmer of hope inside me that I will get through it somehow and my life will be ok. I know I will never experience the love, happiness and joy I had with Pat but I will be ok. Where there  is faith there is always hope. 

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Numb and Lost

I feel like I am absolutely suffocating today. I am drowning in grief and I don't think I'll ever pull out. My heart hurts so much. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I am in just as much shock as I was that first moment I knew. I just can't comprehend it. I don't feel like I can go on and yet there is nothing I can do about it. I feel so alone and this is the only place I have. My friends that know don't understand, and neither do my parents. I just want to curl up and die it hurts so much. 

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