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Girlfriend died at age 22. Totally devastated.


fzald

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Numb and Lost

I was going to wear a dress he wanted me to wear. I thought about wearing it and going to sit where we used to meet, but then I thought there just isn't any point in it. It won't make me feel better it'll probably just make me feel worse. I haven't even been able to wear that dress at all. I tried to explain to my friend and I can't even explain it how it just doesn't feel like he can really be gone. I haven't ever felt like this when anyone else died. I feel like he's here somewhere. I think that's why I keep having dreams that he's just out of my reach. I know he is gone but I guess I'm still in denial or my heart just can't process it I don't know. I'm trying to put this feeling into words but I can't really. 

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Solomon'sGirl
8 hours ago, fzald said:

I have had disconnected feelings tonight. I know my emotions are still actively trying to avoid facing this reality. I think my emotional brain has reached the stage of "if I don't think about it then it isn't real." But it is real, my logical mind knows that, and there's a fierce battle going on inside me.

Last night I went to a baseball game. He was supposed to be one of the coaches this season. I saw lots of people we knew, had a good time. The only way I'm able to have a good time is to pretend I guess that he's just busy coaching or something. He was always so busy doing stuff. But I do the same "if I don't think about it, then it isn't real" thing. Others will come up to me and talk about him. They even get teary-eyed. I just smile and talk about him as if he's here, just busy. I know he's not. Even typing that right now is kinda hard for me to do because I'm wanting to believe he's just busy. I think maybe I'm in denial by choice now. I'm not sure. It's a battle. Today has been a cry day, heavy heart day, staring at his picture and wondering how he could be gone. 

 

8 hours ago, fzald said:

She might have "unfinished business," but so do I and I am still alive...

I feel this way. I want to do things to our house that we were going to do together. I have this strong desire to do everything we were going to do.. go to certain places, get a jeep, etc. It's a drive in me to complete our story. Sometimes I think I'm wanting to do it because then he'll be back when it's all done. Sometimes I want to do it because we were supposed to, and I'm mad at "it's a part of life" for stopping us. I'm going through all the emotions today. I don't even know if I could do these things. At Target a few weeks ago, I saw a table and chairs that could go out on our deck. They were nice and on sale. I told my mom I was going to get them. Then I instantly started to cry and said no. I couldn't do it because they weren't here when he was, and I don't want anything to change. 

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fzald,

You are expressing the same exact things I have thought and felt...how can the world go on?  How can everything be happening the same, yet for me everything is different?  My world is upside down, changed forever into a before and after, and yet for everyone else it seems to continue!  Such is the juxtaposition of grief.

Yes, waiting...like a prison sentence.  Unlike prison, I can choose what food to eat and select a t.v. program to watch, I can leave my house, go for a drive, yet...it does feel like a prison sentence.

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Numb and Lost
1 hour ago, Solomon'sGirl said:

 I couldn't do it because they weren't here when he was, and I don't want anything to change. 

When the year changed from 2016 to 2017 that really got to me. I didn't want it to be 2017 because he didn't make it to this year and had no part in it. He died right before Christmas. 

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32 minutes ago, Numb and Lost said:

When the year changed from 2016 to 2017 that really got to me. I didn't want it to be 2017 because he didn't make it to this year and had no part in it. He died right before Christmas. 

I remember having the same reaction when the year changed after George died.  It's weird how so many of us, separately, experience the same grief reactions.

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We all try so hard to hold on to what was. Even as time goes by and the reality becomes more and more real, we still can't accept it fully, we can't accept that the world now does not include that one person we loved so much. 

KayC, the prison analogy speaks to me so well. I am alive, I still have my free will, I still can choose what to do each day, but I am a prisoner within an emotional prison. Even though I have all those "rights," they mean nothing to me. I may as well have no rights, because I have lost the ability to value them anyway. 

Except that in prison, your guilt and anger have definite targets. You can be upset with yourself for committing a crime. You can be angry at the justice system for feeling incarceration is fair punishment. You can be angry at your accomplice who squealed. But the "crime" that put us all in prison isn't a crime at all. It was not a willful decision on anybody's part. That is what differentiates this prison from a real one. Real prisons are to detain people who made conscious choices which negatively affect the world. But the death of a loved one, one of the worst ways our world can be negatively affected, is usually blameless. Unless you can point out a specific doctor or entity that was negligent (and if you can, you actually might have a legal case), the death was not the fault of anyone's willful choices. So it feels like we've been emotionally imprisoned for a random act.

I have had more dreams of her. A recurring theme seems to be that I see her, she and I are normal, she's alive and well. But whenever I bring up the topic of her death, I suddenly wake up before she can answer. Last night I dreamt that she had survived her ordeal, but I asked her when her follow up appointment was and she angrily said she couldn't get the hospital to make one. I asked her what happened, and she starts answering and I immediately wake up.

Oddly in this same dream, my cat who passed on 3 years ago was there. The dream started with her trying to "wake me up" inside the dream, and after I was up I discovered my girl sitting out in the next room, but within the dream I expected her to be there, it wasn't a "WTF you died" dream. 

My dreams are honestly one of the hardest parts. Sometimes at night I find a little peace and then dream of her and crash all over again...

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Numb and Lost

Fzald I can see how those dreams could definitely upset you. In a way I want to dream about him but also in a way I don't because it will hurt too bad when I wake up. 

Well I have just initiated my melt down of the day. Every now and then I block my # and I just call his phone to see if it's still on. It just gave me comfort to know she had not turned it off. Like as we all keep saying maybe as long as it was on I could pretend it isn't real. I knew she would have to turn it off at some point and yet when I called today and it was off my heart just sank. Why does something so simple upset me so much. Its like hearing it say this number is no longer in service just made it more final. I just don't understand how he can be gone. 

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I know how you feel Numb. The biggest loss is when they pass on, but there are many little losses that happen as time goes by. 

So far my girlfriends phone is still active but I know that soon it will be gone. Things like the last time she posted online are frozen in time now, and time will forge on and bring me further and further from her. 

I think part of what hurts so bad is just knowing that, eventually, their memory fades into irrelevance. Unless you're lucky to be famous, and will always be remembered, like musicians or presidents or whatever, as time goes on people will put the loss into their past. It will only be you and family that will feel the true depth of the loss. We didn't have any kids so for me, it's just me and her close family who will feel the loss forever. The rest of the world mourns her loss for a while, then people move on and go about their lives.

We are so desperate to keep them alive, if not physically than in spirit and in memory. It's hard. For you it has to be especially hard because you have nobody to share memories with. I feel so terribly for you for that. Having to hold it all inside and not being able to share stories with people who knew him has to be terribly painful. I suppose I am fortunate that I have a few friends and family members who knew and liked my girl so I have a few people to share with, but ultimately in the end nothing makes it better, the only thing that could truly do that will never be.

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Numb and Lost

Not being able to share my memories with someone that cared about him too has definitely been the hardest thing. I know just what you mean about the posts being frozen in time. I look at his a lot. The ones made this time last year hurt especially because it seems like yesterday I remember looking at them when he was alive. I often search "photos liked by" on Facebook because it's like seeing a part of him to see what pictures and posts he liked, only a 2.5 months ago. It'a actually all I have. This is really stupid but on his Facebook when I look at the pages he likes they all flicker constantly. It doesn't do that on other friends just his, and only from my Facebook. I'd like to think maybe that's him sending a little message to say hi. I know that is stupid but at the same time if it stops flickering I would be sad. I look at the last pictures of him on Facebook. There are a few that are really recent that other people took at Christmas gatherings and tagged him in. I see him standing there smiling in the picture and think how he had no idea he would be gone in a week. He couldn't work when it rained and he said he needed to figure something out because he didn't get paid those days either. He didnt know know he wouldn't have to worry about that the very next week, or that he would never reach any more goals he had, see his kids grow up. We talked one time about when his son becomes a teenager. We were talking about how so many kids are getting pregnant so young. He laughed and joked that he would do everything to keep his son from doing that if it meant buying him magazines. It breaks my heart when I think about that conversation now. He won't be here to talk to his son about it at all. 

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I find I'm already doing that "one year ago" thing too, Numb. One year ago things were quite a bit different, but yet still the same. We remodeled our office over the summer, so last March we were still in the old office, it was arranged very differently but I can still picture that place down to every last detail. I can still remember how we interacted back then. I can still remember all of the summer plans we had that we actually did get to fulfill. One year seems like a short time, but yet it seems so long ago and so close all at once. 

I still cannot accept the forever part. It still feels like this is temporary, like if I just be patient and wait long enough she'll come back and it'll all be OK. 

People say that at the wake, when you see the body, it helps solidify the reality. It didn't do that at all for me, because she didn't look anything like herself. She looked like a poorly done wax figure. I've seen better wax representations of people in museums. She looked like a cheap mannequin used in a clothing store to show off some fashion object. I don't think I have even to this day accepted or even acknowledged that the body I saw in the casket was my beloved girlfriend. I think I still have a fantasy that it was a ruse, and that she actually is still alive out there. I sometimes check her Twitter feed and her other online profiles, looking for...what? That she posted recently? "Last posted on 1/12/2017"... Maybe I'm hoping to see something different there?

I only get through each day by thinking of her and remembering her and imagining her still being alive. That's the only thing that's worked. And I know that's not true logically, but it's the only way I can get through any day. When I let myself feel the reality, I freeze up and can't function.

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On 3/11/2017 at 10:27 AM, fzald said:

But the "crime" that put us all in prison isn't a crime at all.

Exactly!  We didn't put ourselves in this situation but we're having to live it.

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Numb and Lost

Fzald, I also only feel okay when I imagine when he was alive. I'll start thinking about that last night he was alive when I would pick up my phone and see he was on Facebook. Like I've said before I just liked to be able to see when he was on it. Then I remember that next day when I saw he was active 11 hours ago which made that awful thought something happened creep in. I pushed away that thought though telling myself he was just busy outside doing things. Most people glance at their phones pretty often though making it "active." It wasn't until I saw that status that let me know he was gone. When I remember all this, when I think about that status I can still feel just what I felt in that moment and I get nauseated and dizzy. In one little sentence and moment everything changed. It is still so hard for me to believe that he is gone. Every single day I try to figure it out and understand that it is real. 

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Numb, that's kind of how it was for me too. I knew she was in the hospital and unconscious but she was alive. She was ALIVE. That fact gave me hope. So much of it. I was OK because she still had a chance. 

Then I got a call. One sentence. "She passed away last night." Five words. Five words that changed me forever. It changed everything from hope to despair in the space of two seconds. 

Its unbearable.

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Numb and Lost

I know I will never forget him but I get scared I will forget the exact way he made me feel. Right now I can remember talking to him as if it happened five min ago and I don't want it to seem like a distant memory. I fear that. I know I've already said that but it's just on my mind yet again. 

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We will never forget how they made us feel. Those feelings are permanently etched into our memories, and we will carry those memories with us until the day we die. And hopefully we will even carry those memories beyond that point, into the afterlife, when we finally get to share the memories again with them.

The thing is, it already seems like a "distant memory" for me sometimes. It feels like a whole different life, a completely separate existence where we were together. But every day I see more and more reminders that she was real, that she lived and breathed and gave me her love.

What people say is that eventually the PAIN subsides at least partly. That we will hopefully not constantly be reminded and be triggered by the memories and the memories won't bring us so much pain, but instead we will have the memories as our own personal comfort, things we can call up when we want to remember happy times. Sometimes it is compared to memories of a great vacation - even though you're not on the vacation now, you can remember how good it was and smile. Or like how people reminisce about "simpler times" from their childhood, you can never go back to those times but people still like to remember what it was like back then and smile. That's what people say it eventually turns into when it comes to our lost loves.

It's a time warp. Sometimes it feels like I just talked to my love a day or two ago. Other times it feels like it was years ago. Even other times it feels like it was a movie or a book I read, something that wasn't actually ever real. I know I'll never forget her, but I don't ever feel I'll get to that point where her memory is a happy comfort rather than a painful agonizing knife-twist. 

The news tonight was talking about a major hospital expansion in our town, several million dollars of renovation and upgrades. And I found myself thinking "what's the point???" It's so selfish I know to think this way, but I can't help it... The hospital she was at failed to save her life and my life was destroyed as a result, it's hard for me to really give much of a **** about hospitals...

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Numb and Lost

I think of little memories and smile all throughout the day, but I always start to cry too. I smile because I remember something funny but of course as soon as I smile I remember he's gone and there will never be any more memories made. 

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I had another dream last night. This one was probably the longest at least perceptually that I've had.

She and I were together in a strangely familiar place but I can't identify exactly where it was. We were together in person.

I remember this one from the beginning. I came into the dream and sat next to her and just stared at her.

"What's up?" she says, in her cute voice.

"You... you're alive?" I stammer.

Her: "Um, yeah? I'm right here dude."

Me: "That's impossible... I mean..."

She takes my hands and holds them tight. "See, I'm right here. What's this about?"

Me: "You're gone. I mean, you died..."

Her: "Um, no, no I'm not dead." 

Me: "But you died almost two months ago." (I'm aware of the time in this dream)

She hugs me tightly and says "No dude I'm alive. I'm right here. What's this about?"

Me: "But I went to your funeral. I saw your body!"

Her: "Huh?.... Oh my god, I wonder if my family went online and got a model of me made?..."

Me: "Do you know what day it is?"

Her: "Honestly, I'm not sure."

Me: "It's March 13th. The last time I saw you was January 20th. It's been nearly two months!"

Her: "Oh my god, oh my god... What... How the..."

Me: "I've also seen your obituary."

Her: "My what??? What does it say?"

I relay a few key points from the obituary.

Her: "Holy sh--.... what the hell is going on??"

Me: "This can't be real. I mean, I want this to be real."

Her: "Dude, it is real! I told you I'm alive. I just hugged you."

Me: "But.... Ok,what is the last thing you remember?"

Her: "I remember leaving town with my family for my trip, and then..."

Me: "And then what?"

She hesitates a while. "I don't remember."

Me: "You went into the hospital."

Her: "I did?"

Me: "Yeah. You went into the hospital and died almost a week later."

She just stares wide-eyed at me, touches her own face as if she is suddenly in disbelief, and whispers "oh my god..."

Then I woke up.

This dream does feel like a contact dream. It was so specific, I remember the conversation line by line, and there were absolutely correct details in there. 

But oh my god, I felt her. In the dream I FELT her, I hugged her, I smelled her, I felt her warmth against me.

I miss that so much. I miss everything so much. 

 

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fzald, I don't think I can accept the "remember the good old times" line either. Sounds like complete bull
and yeah, some hospitals are BS as well. have seen it.
but with regard to your dream. that is very vivid. i do hope it was some kind of contact.
There are so many people with those OBE and NDE experiences that I'm thinking there must be more to this current life,
so I hope we all get some kind of sign. The waiting is so hard.
The doubt is terrible. The emptiness is the worst.
 

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Last nights dream:

Not in person. Eating at some restaurant. My phone starts to vibrate, I initially ignore it. It keeps vibrating. I suddenly notice that the pattern is the custom vibration pattern I had set for her. I quickly reach for my phone. The vibration stops. I unlock the phone and go into the phone to check the recents. Heart pounding in the dream. I flip to recent missed and ... wake up. Of course...

I didn't get any calls or texts on my phone for real so it's not one of those misplaced real world events entering my dream things. Not to mention if that pattern was actually happening now in real life, that would represent a lot more than a dream.....

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Numb and Lost

One of the dreams I had was that I was on the phone with him trying to figure out where he was and when I would see him and I got a bad connection and I couldn't hear him and the call dropped. 

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The recurring theme in all my dreams of her has been that unreachability, the idea of her being there but just out of reach. Even when I do see her, there is always something out of reach, some piece of information or an answer. I always wake up right when the thing I need or want most is about to happen. 

Its now been over 7 weeks since I spoke to her. Almost 8 weeks since I saw her alive. Why can't I make any progress? Why do I still expect this is a nightmare that I am simply waiting to wake up from! Why do I still wait for her to call or text? Why do I still see no light anywhere in my life? Grief stuff seems to imply that if you are deep in grief for more than two or three months (even one month by some standards) then you have a psychological disorder. Maybe I do...

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I thought  grieving is normal for 6 months to a year. whatever, they are just guidelines.
doubt it's a disorder. even so, I don't think it makes a difference at least not in my case. I'm as numb as I ever was , perhaps more now.
don't know if I can "live" with that but I don't know if I care that much. Sure I don't want to leave this world and hurt the few people I know. Still, I can't force the emptiness away. It's just the reality, it's there and intense. kind of a contradiction
I suppose we will just keep waiting. it's all we can really do. how can we "carry on" if we were forced to be separated from the best people we have ever known? we can't. at least not now.

 

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I am just miserable.

I actually used to have some moments of calm, some times where I would think that just maybe, everything might be OK, not now, but someday. That's gone. Now it's just a constant cloud of grief, pain, sadness, agony, emptiness, and missing her.

I feel worse than I did when she first passed, I feel worse than I did a month ago, I feel worse than I did two weeks ago. I don't feel like I'm going to make it. I don't feel like I'll ever be OK. 

Today is just a horrible day. Last night, for the first time, I couldn't sleep until after 3 AM. I had to wake up at 8 for work. Going on so little sleep...the last time I ever did that was when she was still alive and we had been up late talking, and still had to be to work. I was tired then too, but happy. Tired but happy. How I wish that is how I felt now. Now I'm tired and depressed.

Sudden death is for old people. It's for people who do highly risky things. It's not for people who are young, happy, living life and being careful, and just going about their day. I read somewhere that less than a thousand people per year in the US pass away below age 30 of what she did. How can she have been in such a small slice of probability? 

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Numb and Lost

I'm miserable too I'm just sitting in my car crying again while I type this out on my phone. I just don't know how to continue. Every day just hurts so much. I cried the entire way here and I will cry the entire 45 min back. I just feel so unresolved and knowing that I can never ever have my questions answered or understand any of it just makes it unbearable. I don't even feel like I know for sure if he cared and I won't ever know now. It hurts so much more because I loved him more than anyone I ever could love and he wasn't even mine. In a sense he was but not really. It just makes it so much worse. Today I don't even feel like I can do my job. I am forgetting simple things. Every minute is just torture. My friend said in time I won't ask those questions anymore or wonder about things. Well I know that I will. It is all going to haunt me forever and ever. I just can not believe he is really gone. I feel so alone and nobody around me understands even the ones that know the entire story. I'm just sitting in my car because I don't want to go home I don't want to work anymore today I just don't want to do anything. I don't look forward to anything. I don't know what to do with myself. 

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Numb, your story is so tragic and sad it breaks my heart again and again. People who do know your "whole story" in your local circle may choose to judge you based on your choices. Whether falling in love outside of marriage is OK is not for me to judge. I do believe in soulmates, I believe that I met and loved and then lost mine. I know my situation isn't the same as yours but it has had its own challenges around hiding and secrecy. Those challenges have made her death more complicated for me. It's no fun. 

Regardless of how you met, when, under what circumstances, it's clear you loved him, and death has a way of changing everything. Might things have ever happened between you two? I know how you feel, you'll never know. I will never know how my life with my girl would have gone. I will never know if we would have eventually raised a family. I will never know what our lives together 10 years from now would have been. We used to do the whole "where do you see yourself in 5 years" thing. Our ideas were usually all over the place, but the one constant was "together". With her by my side, life was an adventure and I was thrilled to go along for the ride. Without her, I want off the ride, I want to curl up and be silent and quiet in a corner. The ride was thrilling with her, now it's making me nauseous and wanting to just puke up a lung figuratively. 

I have trouble every day at work. Every single day I have to spend extra time just figuring out what to work on. I used to love my job. Not only because my girlfriend was there, but also because I just loved doing it. It was fun, stimulating, engaging, and I loved working with the people I worked with, including everyone other than her. It was truly my dream at least in the present. I had everything I wanted. Soulmate, good job that I loved, all of that. Now I lost the foundation all of the rest was built on, so now I have a good job that I can barely do. It's so hard to even wake up and go to work let alone do anything at work. Every day I wonder why I am still here. Every day I wonder why I must continue to endure the pain. Every day I talk to my girl, tell her how I feel, and how sad I am, and ask her advice on things, questions she can never answer. I ask her what she would do about things at work, even though she can't answer. I tell her about what's going on, new developments that I know she would have loved to be a part of, and I cry or just shake in pain knowing that her life on this planet is gone. Who truly lost more, me or her? I lost one person, the most important person in my life, but just one person. I still have everything else at my disposal, I just have no desire to use it. But she lost everything. Her life and everything it contained. Dreams, aspirations, but also memories, friends, family, me, everything. Is there an afterlife? I usually believe in it, but tonight my faith is shaken and I worry that it's just death is the end. She died. She's gone. This world goes on without her. What if she truly is just gone forever?

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Numb and Lost

I believe in heaven and I believe he is there, and that is all that gets me through. But then I worry how I will know him there and that I might have 50 years before I find out. It's so hard to decide whether to look at his pictures or not. I want to but then like you said I just shake and get upset. Just now I looked at his Facebook page and I saw that status again, the one he was tagged in letting me know he was gone. I just started crying, and I got al sweaty and hot. I wonder if he can think about me now and if he wants to. It's like I'm frozen in that time right before he died too. I don't feel like it's March I feel like it's still back a few days before Christmas and I'm waiting to see him. I feel like everyday is just nothing. It's just a 24 hour obstacle course to make it to the next 24 hour obstacle course. When I come home from work I just want to lay in the bed. When I am working it's with zero enthusiasm or drive. 

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I too feel like I am stuck. I feel like my heart is back in January when she was alive, when our futures were still full of possibility, when our love for each other was so evident and strong, when our future plans even for like Valentine's Day were still within reach.

I feel like I am waiting for something still. What I don't know. She can't come back, even though I wish for it. Maybe I am waiting for a wish that can never be granted. Eventually I have to take in that she's gone forever. I have resisted that now for almost 2 months. I don't know how to accept it. 

I feel like I'll be frozen and stuck in this mode forever.

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9 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

But then I worry how I will know him there

How would you know him here?  You will know him there the same way.  We will recognize each other same as we do here.

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20 hours ago, new133 said:

 

I thought  grieving is normal for 6 months to a year. whatever, they are just guidelines.

 

I hate to break it to you but it's not six months to a year...it's forever.  Before you despair, however, it does change form.  It does not stay the same.  It does not remain in the same intensity.  It's not that anything changes so much as WE begin to adjust, and therefore, our grief evolves.  It's not gone though.  Not even hardly.  I miss my husband each and every day of my life.  It's been almost TWELVE YEARS!  It doesn't go away...he's still not here.  He's not lying next to me in bed.  I can talk to him but there's no answer.  He can't help me lift something, his paycheck long since disappeared, I can't feel his chest or his arms around me.  I can't see the look on his face when I cook his favorite meal.  No, grief continues...  

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KayC, Sunday will make it five months since Stan passed. It's been really hard but I am coping better. I try to keep busy as much as I can and it helps. I'm still sad most of the time and miss him all the time. I know we will grieve forever for our loved ones until we are with them again. KayC you are real source of support and inspiration for us here on this forum. Thank you for being here. 

My anxiety is setting in as I know that I am attending the funeral in a few hours. Just typing this has my stomach in knots. I know I will get through it but I can't help but feel this way. Will let you know how it goes. 

God bless you my friend 

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Nads,

Do you have any anti-anxiety medication?  Maybe a glass of wine to relax you first?  (Normally I recommend not drinking in grief, but a little to relieve anxiety can be helpful in a situation like this, it's just when people are grieving they can "drown their sorrows", going overboard isn't a good idea.)

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Numb and Lost

KayC I just worry about how I will know him there because of how I knew him here. (Christian view point) I get scared maybe only pure relationships are preserved and we will just look like a big sin to each other there. Or I worry I might not be important to him at all there or so much time might pass I won't be remembered as an important aspect of his life. I have so many worries that I know are probably invalid and will be invalid once I make it to heaven but right now I just have so many questions and worried thoughts. 

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13 hours ago, fzald said:

I too feel like I am stuck. I feel like my heart is back in January when she was alive, when our futures were still full of possibility, when our love for each other was so evident and strong, when our future plans even for like Valentine's Day were still within reach.

I feel like I am waiting for something still. What I don't know. She can't come back, even though I wish for it. Maybe I am waiting for a wish that can never be granted. Eventually I have to take in that she's gone forever. I have resisted that now for almost 2 months. I don't know how to accept it. 

I feel like I'll be frozen and stuck in this mode forever.

Me too. I just wait on one day to turnover to the next. I grieve for him also while grieving that my marriage will never be what it should be and I just feel like love must not have been meant for me. It's the one thing I wanted the most since I was a child. That and being a mother of course. My friends say things like "you could have any man in the world you want" but there isn't a man in the world I want anymore. He isn't here in he world at all. It's like I told him once, you can find someone attractive but not be attracted to them at all. He was attractive but I was also attracted to him, to his personality and soul. I won't ever feel that again. 

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Each day when I come to work I walk past the snack bar in the lobby.

When my girlfriend was alive, every time I would come in I would text her to see if she wanted something to eat. Our work was pretty unscheduled, other than meetings and client appointments we basically could come and go. So sometimes I would be there before her, so she'd tell me to pick her up her "usual". Or, maybe she was already in the office for a meeting and didn't have time to stop by herself. I'd always go by the snack bar and get her some food. The person working the snack bar got to know both of us personally and sometimes even had "our" orders all ready to go. 

I miss that so much now. I still come in and want to text her to ask her if she wants breakfast. I still want to ask her how she is. I still want to do those little favors for her that I used to do every day. 

It's still pretty cold where I live. In the winter, sometimes she would not be feeling well, and I would go out in the bitter cold to walk to the nearby restaurants and get us lunch or supper. The cold was brutal sometimes, but I always thought of her, and I would brave the weather just to make sure we had food and that she didn't have to go out in the cold unnecessarily. 

I loved her so much that I would do all these things for her despite the "pain" they caused. Her smile, her hug, her "thank you so much" all of those things meant so so much to me, more than I ever realized they did. 

I feel empty every day when I come to work now. I feel like I have no purpose. I do my job because I'm needed. Because I have skills and knowledge I'm being paid for. Not because I love the job. My love of anything in this life went way when she died. Now I just exist. 

This Friday will be 8 weeks since I hugged her. 8 weeks since I said "Bye! See you!" 8 weeks since I actually did all of the things I just mentioned in this message. A short 8 weeks. The pain is unbearable. The empty feeling defines my existence now. I feel I have nothing to offer to the world anymore. Without my love, I have no meaning. Others may "need" me, but I am replaceable, just as she was. What am I truly here for now? 

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So, last night I have the most vivid and detailed dream I've had of her since she passed. This one also went on for quite a long time, perceptually it was at least a half hour or even longer to me. Bear with me, long post...

It started with me being at work. I was alone at my desk, there were others in the room though. (We basically have open desks in a large work area, we're a pretty collaborative bunch) Last week we had rearranged the office a little, but in my dream the office still had the old arrangement, when she was alive and still working here.

As has happened in many other dreams, she walks into the office. She is walking with a little bit of a limp, and has some obvious signs of recovering from head surgery. She comes in and sits at her desk.

Unlike in other dreams, people do look up and notice her and make comments, but it doesn't seem to affect people as deeply. In other dreams I had, everyone in the office would be saying "holy sh---!" and welcoming her back. In this dream, people said "Oh wow look, it's her. Good to see you." And go back to their work.

But anyway, so she sat down and I said hi. She smiled and said hi back. 

In my dream I am aware that she has been gone for a long time. I say "What happened?"

"I don't know," she says. "Last thing I remember was being with my family on my trip. Suddenly I got dizzy and that's the last thing I remember."

I say "But what happened in the hospital? Did they say anything? I heard you had a brain hemorrhage."

She says "Yeah, they said that too. I don't know exactly what happened. I just woke up this morning, in the hospital and I said I wanted to go to work so they let me out and here I am."

I say "Oh my god... It is so good to see you! I missed you so much, it was so scary, I thought you died."

She says "A few other people said that too, I dunno, must have just been an ugly rumor."

In the dream, her desk is empty, cleared out, just as it is in real life. I ask her when she is going to get her things back so she can bring her stuff back to work. I even think of specific things I know she will need.

"I don't know, knowing my family I'm not sure."

I tell her that we can give her whatever she needs from office supplies for now. "Thanks." she says. I even tell her that if there was anything special she needs that her family has and won't give us that we'll just get her another one.

I ask her how her cognition is. Like I ask "Any problems? Memory problems? Think you'll be able to do the technical stuff you were doing before?"

She says "I think so. I dunno though, my family doesn't want me to stay here."

I say "Why? And does that really matter? You're here. If you can do the job here then we'd love you back! I would love to have you back! Why wouldn't your family want you here?"

She says "I know. I want to come back. I'm not sure though, with my family, especially after what they found out."

"Found out?" I ask. I start thinking about how her family discovered our relationship after she died, and rejected and denied it.

She just says "You know, things they found out." She won't elaborate.

So because I knew this was an issue, our relationship, I ask "Are WE ok? Our relationship?"

She says "I want us to be. Even if my family doesn't want it. I want to be with you. I still want to."

The grin on my face probably lit up the room. I cross over to her desk and give her a big hug. She hugs me back.

"I missed you," I say, almost crying. "You have no idea."

"I missed you too," she says.

"I promise you. We will get through anything. We will make it work. All those arguments we had before? Forget about them. We'll make things work. I promise you."

"I promise too," she said. Then suddenly she said "Hang on, I'll be right back." She gets up and heads out of the office. Just like she might have done in real life if she was going to the bathroom or going to get a snack or something. 

I stand there for about a minute with the silliest giggly grin on my face. Then I decide that I should let people know she's alive. I go into the lounge where we used to hang out and try to call my mom. I notice that the phone I'm holding is not mine, but is my girlfriend's. I go out in the hall and see her standing talking to a small group of people. "Hey, I grabbed your phone by accident somehow," I say and hand it to her. "Thanks!" she says. I go back to the office, grab my phone, and go in the lounge to call my mom. I get voicemail, so I leave her a message telling her that I have amazing news and to call me right away. The message on my mom's voicemail is exactly the same as it is in real life in my dream.

While I'm in the lounge I check something on the computer in there. Don't remember what it is exactly but definitely was on the computer.

I come out of the lounge and a friend of mine is standing in the hall. I tell her that something amazing happened and it turns out my girl is alive. "I know, I saw her. Wow dude that's amazing! I'm so happy for you!" she says. 

I go back to the office and stand at her desk, just reveling in the feelings. She walks back in a bit later. I hug her again and whisper "I love you." She squeezes me tightly and says "I love you too. I'm sorry you worried. But I'm back. I'm here. I still want you." I start tearing up and say "I want you too. I love you so much. Don't be sorry, everything is OK now." She says "It is. We're OK." 

While in the midst of the hug I wake up.

-----

Ok, so what makes this  dream so particularly interesting and sad all at once is that all of the details in it were correct. It wasn't an abstract place that I don't know but that felt right in the dream. It was our actual office. In one part I even used the door keypad to open up the lounge and distinctly remember entering the actual correct code. The only thing that differed is that the lighting seemed different. It was actually darker. The overhead lights in the office were out but there was still light coming from somewhere. We have no windows, but it almost was like there were windows but I didn't see them. But it could just as well been floor lamps or some kind of indirect lighting I didn't pay attention to. Same for the lounge, it was dark but still light. But everything was in the right place. The hall lights were on and the "Scenes" that happened in the hall looked 100% real, as it would have when she was alive.

Everything in the dream felt SO REAL. Not distant or abstract like most dreams I've had, even of her. But so very, VERY real. When I woke up, for a few moments I actually believed I would wake up and go to work and see her again. Then I remembered the truth, and it slammed me down so hard that I haven't been able to perk up at all today. I'm on the verge of crying every second, sometimes I do but I can't keep it going for long. I'm at work today and I am expecting everything in the dream to suddenly become real. I thought i was slowly starting to stop wishing it wasn't real and start accepting but I am backtracking hard today. Today every time someone walks in I think it's her. Someone's keys jingle out in the hall and I think it's her. I can't convince myself to stop. That dream was just so real, so perfect, so "correct". Her voice. Her mannerisms. Her personality was all there. 

But even trivial things. The computer in the lounge was the same as in real life. I remember clicking through things on it. The door keypad. The carpet on the floor was the same. The lights in the hall were the same. 

Maybe it was just wishful thinking, because of course I still do wish she were still here. And there was no real "I'm happy on the other side" message in there. 

If you've actually read all the way to here, thanks. I don't know what to make of any of this, but all I know is it's all that's on my mind today. I miss her so so deeply. I know my dream could just be a manifestation of that missing her, but if it was a visitation or contact, what was she trying to say??

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On 3/15/2017 at 10:22 AM, Numb and Lost said:

I get scared maybe only pure relationships are preserved and we will just look like a big sin to each other there.

Or maybe the sin is removed and the pure love of the relationship is preserved.

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3 hours ago, fzald said:

if it was a visitation or contact, what was she trying to say?

The one thing that hit me is that regardless of how her family feels, she wants to be with YOU!  That has to feel validating!

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KayC,

I hadn't thought of it that way. I don't know if it's contact, but if it is, that's definitely something. I have always known that she loves me and wants to be with me. I do hope it was contact, because hearing her say it like that is something so many people want and need. It would still be so much better if she were alive of course.

And yes, that link is for breakups, not death. I've been through breakup grief, and I wrote a post about it on this forum a while back. It's similar in some ways but hugely different. The most obvious difference is that for the most part, you did not separate with significant negative feelings, and you also have a finality that a breakup does not have. People do sometimes find their way back together after a breakup, but for those of us in death, it's impossible to ever find our way back to them in this life. I only hope that there is another world for us, that I'll be able to see her again someday. I hope for this. I have been struggling with doubt, but I hope there is more out there.

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The thing that stood out to me and bothered me about that article in that link is it talked about LEARNING FROM THE RELATIONSHIP.  I find it extremely offensive that someone would post that here!  WE WANTED OUR RELATIONSHIP!  We don't need to "learn lessons" we can take with us into our new relationship!!!  We aren't planning on HAVING new relationships, it's just way offensive and inappropriate here!

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Today I had to work on my taxes here in the US. I was going through receipts and invoices and found myself often crying or needing to take a break to feel pain. I have one file of receipts and around tax time I sort through them and find the ones that are applicable for deductions and the like. I found many receipts for items I bought for my girlfriend, things we bought together to share, trips we went on, even restaurant receipts, like the one for the last time we went out of town together and ate at one of her favorite places. 

It's amazing how simple physical reminders of what was real can hurt so bad. It was only a few months ago that we were so happy. A short time. In my dream she said she wanted me, and in life she wanted me too. I always tried to be a positive force in her life, in the face of her family and less-than-faithful friends I wanted to be the shining light that could guide her through the pain. I hate so much that I don't have her anymore to be here for, that all the love and compassion for her that still overflows within me has nowhere to go. It's not as simple as "channel it into something else". She was the one person who, if I made happy, everything was right. When she was happy, I was happy and I could give and give to the rest of the world. Now with her gone, I can't make her happy. Maybe she is truly happy now, but I can't know that, and I feel so alone and separated that I can't be happy myself.

I hate this life.

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43 minutes ago, KayC said:

Or maybe the sin is removed and the pure love of the relationship is preserved.

That is certainly what I hope and pray for. Thank you.

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2 minutes ago, KayC said:

The thing that stood out to me and bothered me about that article in that link is it talked about LEARNING FROM THE RELATIONSHIP.  I find it extremely offensive that someone would post that here!  WE WANTED OUR RELATIONSHIP!  We don't need to "learn lessons" we can take with us into our new relationship!!!  We aren't planning on HAVING new relationships, it's just way offensive and inappropriate here!

I hope that poster was just trying to be helpful and did a quick google search or something. But you're right. I mean, if any of us do end up in new relationships I'm sure that the things the relationship we lost taught us will stick with us. But this wasn't a choice. This wasn't due to something anyone did wrong. The things we learned in our relationships, we wanted to apply to those same relationships! My girlfriend did help improve my character, I know this. But I wanted to be that better man FOR HER. 

There was one time she actually did say to me that she was so happy that I was a better person now, and she said that even if we couldn't be together long-term for some reason she was glad that I would be able to be better for someone else. I don't know if she was talking about death. I think she herself was down at that time and felt she didn't deserve ME with all of the goodness I embodied. Her comment seemed to come from a position of "you are so good, I don't deserve you, so if we aren't together you will have your gifts to give to someone else." I told her at that time that SHE was the reason I was improving myself, and that SHE deserved me for that reason alone among many other reasons. 

As I said, I've read plenty of breakup grief literature, because I've been through that experience. Some of the aspects of grieving are the same, but the experience is so, so different. The advice is different. It would probably be considered "Weird" or "obsessive" to make memorials to a broken relationship with someone who is still alive. But for us those things are more than appropriate, one of our only outlets for the agony and misery of being alone. 

None of us chose this, but also, none of our lovers chose this. That's one of the key differences. The people we lost did not choose to leave us, did not choose to die or leave this world. Even in the case of suicide, I don't believe even those people truly intended to leave us behind and suffer, they just were suffering so much on their own and couldn't see any way to pull through. I'm sure if they had a choice they would have lived and loved, just like if we had a choice we would be happy and be our old selves rather than being so sad and lonely. Of course we would also choose to have our loves back, but nobody really chooses grief. 

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Numb and Lost

Also in a break up you always have the hope of rekindling that relationship, or hope to run into them again. We don't have that. We can only hope to see them when we die. 

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5 minutes ago, Numb and Lost said:

Also in a break up you always have the hope of rekindling that relationship, or hope to run into them again. We don't have that. We can only hope to see them when we die. 

Yes, breakups leave the door open to reunite in THIS life, on THIS planet. Sometimes there are beautiful stories of people who broke up, reconnect, and then get to relive and share all their old memories again as well as new ones, here in the same place. They get to fulfill the promises they made on this Earth, even if it's later. 

We never will have that choice, ever. We are stuck hoping that maybe there is a next life, but also knowing that next life will be very different and nothing we have here will come with us to the next life. Almost everything that matters here won't matter there. 

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Numb and Lost

I'm having a really bad night. I can't stop thinking about his smile and I can't stop crying. I've walked all over the house to hide my crying. I had been doing a little better and at least confined my break downs to when I am in the car. Memories just flooded me tonight and I just cannot comprehend that I won't see him smiling at me again. It all hurts so much. It hurts that I never got to see him and wear hat dress he wanted me to wear, I couldn't go to the funeral, and I wasn't even supposed to love him. My heart is just so broken and I don't know how I can ever have a meaningful life with this pain. I'll never have that feeling again that he gave me when I saw his messages on my phone or when I saw him. I feel so hopeless.

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fzald, My perceivement is that if there is a next life with our soulmates, it should be different. It will be better because of the lessons we learned in this life. Our souls retain those lessons. So in our next life, our intuitions will tell us to be more health conscious, even more loving , attentive, empathetic. Medical advancements should be in place in the next life. I am hoping that humanity in general will be more loving, supportive than they are now. i am hoping the whole world will be better in the next run and we all have the ability to live longer, more fulfilling lives.

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Numb and Lost---I am sorry you are having a bad night. I'm staying online a little longer than I do because I can't face the loneliness of another night.

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Numb, I have those feelings almost every day, those feelings of never again. I did get to go to her funeral but I don't know how much it "helped" me. I still often feel like I wasn't looking at her, like I was looking at a museum depiction of her, something that they might put in a touristy place to show off her beauty, but not really her. Sometimes I think I'm doing somewhat OK and then I have a flood of memories and "regress" all the way back to the beginning. I think of all of the things we won't ever get to share, but even more I think of what we did share and what I lost. She still belongs at work. Every day I go there and I work but I feel her absence. I still think I'm dealing with it by "pretending it's just temporary". I still sometimes think if I just wait long enough she'll be back and we'll be together again. It's probably not helpful that so little in my life has changed other than her loss.  Some people have said that once life "moves forward" and things start changing that it gets easier because you have less of the constant triggers and memories. But i don't know. I will always remember her and the times we shared, and I will always wish that I could have her back in this world.

KMB, it feels like the afterlife shouldn't have so many ailments and diseases. If we don't have bodies to get sick in, then we can't get sick. Even if we do have physical bodies in some way, I feel like they would have to be far more advanced. I sometimes ask myself - do the same experiences we have here happen over there? Do you get to enjoy food and drink? Read books? Play games? Have sex? As someone who studies and works in technology for a living and a hobby, I am saddened to think that there would not be electronics and computers and the like on the "other side". But maybe they're just not needed, who knows. It is my hobby though, so I would probably be pretty bored without any technology. Hmm.

 

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Numb and Lost

I'm sorry you are having a lonely night KMB. I am blessed to have a little one that doesn't  allow me time to be lonely. I kept trying to go in other rooms to hide my crying but I have a little shadow! I feel guilty for being so miserable when I know I still have them but I can't help the pain I feel.

Fzald I have memories flooding back from the beginning too. I'll be going about my day working when suddenly I think of something from 12 years ago when we first met that I hadn't thought about in years. He has never even been in my house but I don't want to move because I remember places I sat and talked to him on the phone. Or I remember him wanting me to FaceTime him in my closet so he could pick out a dress. I'll have to move from here though and it will hurt even though he has never been here at all. I don't want things to change that didn't even have anything to do with him simply because I want things the way they were when he was here. 

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