Girlfriend died at age 22. Totally devastated.

[ModHerc]

Fzald,

That just brings me back to the two points I have been making.  Perhaps the point of life is living as well as we can, which has very little to do with death.  And perhaps you aren't ready to embrace that concept yet due to your grief, and you may never embrace it.

In the meantime just do the things you can to care for yourself.  I've been saying breathe, eat, drink plenty of water, and sleep.  KayC brought another to my attention, excercise.  Go for a walk, if you are more physically active make it a run, or hit a gym if you can.

Do things to keep your body going, the rest will follow in time, and down the path you choose.  I am really trying not to tell you how to grieve.  Each path is different, and I don't have all the answers for myself, let alone another.  I can see how badly you are hurting though, and want to help in any way I can.  Once again, I hope you find some comfort, and a good nights rest,

Herc

[Guest]

fzald i just wanted to add to what herc basically said. exercise, i go for walks in areas i haven't been to, daily or every other day at least, and i've been eating well enough. i try to get enough sleep. i find it helps at least a little bit. over the long term i hope it helps more. i hope you can find some comfort some day in life, i am so sorry for your pain.

[fzald]

Herc,

Thanks for your comments. I know the grief is my journey, and that I am walking alongside all of you here but still walking alone. I have been particularly down tonight just because of the many thoughts going around in my head which I've explained more than once now. I have been trying my best to stay nourished, and to keep basic needs met. It's only a month in, I know this. And it's still so very fresh. I still am at a very low functional level at work. Forcing myself to do a little work means I then have to take a break and maybe spend time on this board or read a grief book or just sit and experience some of the memories. 

I hear some of those of you who have been through this longer speak of how the memories bring you happiness. I long for the day I can do the same, when thinking of her will not bring tears or anguish, but will be a happy reminder of a great time in my life. Like how I can think back on vacations I took with great memories even though I am no longer on those vacations, or how I can think back to some of the beauty of the simplicity of childhood. Maybe I will be able to come to this place with my girl. I don't see it now. Right now I can still only think of how she was here and just slipped out of reach so quickly and so completely and absolutely. I still can't imagine one more day without her, not even one more hour without her, let alone a lifetime. Sometimes the urge to send her a message or call her phone and scream "WHERE ARE YOU!" is overwhelming. Even the simple fact that our "ping" to each other was the words "you alive?" is so ironic now...

Very rough night, but thanks again for the kind words. Hopefully tomorrow will be a little better. But right now, tonight is what I have, and it's nothing but pain and missing her.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, fzald said:

Anything we accomplish here will not come with us to the other side. 

I don't think that's entirely true.  The "can't take it with you" applies to material goods, not to the difference we make in the lives of others.  You spoke of writing a book, that would be something of lasting benefit because it would impact others.  Sure the book itself won't make it to the other side, but the impact of it would.

[fzald]

I know I'm probably just feeling down on things because of what I'm going though, but I'm still struggling with this idea. KayC, you're probably right, the point is to make this life we're living as good as we can, and to make impact on those we come across. My girlfriend was the true embodiment of that. She touched every life she came in contact with in a positive way. She worked hard every day to make someone's day. She always made my day of course, but beyond me, she saw her purpose as being to improve this world we live in, to make it the best it can possibly be. She worked hard every day to further that dream. 

That's one thing she took from me when she died. I used to feel the same. Only a little over a month ago, I had that same drive - the desire to make this world awesome. I worked hard every day just like she did to make the world better. We did it together. We both would feel so accomplished. 

But now, with her gone, I am starting to just not see the point. This life feels more just like a pit-stop on a longer journey. Do I believe in life after death? Yes. How will that life be? I don't know any more than anyone else, but I would imagine that it will be beautiful like everyone says it will be. 

So here's my problem, let me try to make an analogy here. Suppose you just won the lottery and you've been lucky enough to purchase the most beautiful mansion in the most beautiful location imaginable. Lakeside resort like conditions here. A literal "heaven on earth." This is your destination. But you're still a simple person, so you drive your moving van with your stuff across the country to get to your new home. Along the way, though, you have to stop to rest. You're tired. You find a little roadside motel. It's quaint, comfortable, safe, and clean, but it's nothing at all like the place you're going. It's basically functional and that's it. A couple beds and a bathroom. So now, you can do one of two things: you can go out of your way to "decorate" this plain old motel room, to make it look and feel amazing. Or, you can just lie down, sleep, be comfortable and warm, and the next morning continue on your journey to the grandeur of your mansion. 

This Earthly life now feels kinda like that motel. I could go out of my way to make it amazing, or I could just do what I have to do and go on my way. Imagine that I had my girlfriend with me in this motel. Maybe we wouldn't go out of our way to try to make it into a mansion, but we would probably order a nice meal, listen to some music, we'd do something to make the experience great together. But now, I don't have my girlfriend anymore. She already is at the new mansion. Am I going to sit in the motel and have a romantic dinner for one? Or am I going to instead just get done what has to be done, knowing that once I do make it to that mansion, she'll be there for me...

I'm sorry for being a downer. I'm just floundering around aimlessly trying to find purpose I suppose. My purpose in life was her. Through her I found a greater purpose, but she was the foundation I built that purpose on. Without her, without the foundation, the house cannot stand, the purpose cannot be. I go through the motions of each day, I get done what has to be done, but I still don't feel it anymore. I don't feel the passion behind my work. I think of her every second of the day, I miss her every second of the day, and every time I once again remind myself that she's gone forever and can never return, I grieve from the start all over again.

 

[4Hdad]

Fzald, you don't have to apologize for expressing yourself here. Nobody here will tell you not to feel what you're feeling. 

For what it's worth, I am right there with you. All I can say for certain is that you don't need to make sense of any of this right away. I can't offer any advice on how to regain the passion you once had for making this world a better place, but I'd say it's better to keep yourself open to the idea of someday finding something that can spark that passion inside of you once again. Staying open to the possibility that I'll someday give a damn about something other than my kids, is about as far as I can open that particular door. I try to stay open to the idea of it, but that doesn't mean I'm convinced that that day will ever come.

[Andrew's girl]

Hi Fzald,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know way too well that these words don't make things easier. I am really sorry for everyone on this site, for all your painful experiences

I'm a newbie to this site. I'm still not sure how I discovered it but I am grateful I did. On January 15^th 2017, I lost my boyfriend, Andrew. He was killed in the most horrific way,his life was unfairly cut shot when he was attacked on his way back home.He was just 25 Years old (I am 23 years)

Every time I think about it, my heart breaks.My head is still stuck.My thoughts are jumbled up.For the longest of days I have felt this wave of sadness and pain.I have cried so much.I have yelled out of anger, I have lashed out at people who did nothing but try and care for me.Andrew was my safe haven for the for the last four years,I loved him and still do.We had a life planned out together,everything down to what our favourite baby names. In him I found my soul mate and best friend. The 4th of March, would have been our fifth year anniversary

With every painful emotion I have gone through, lately however I'm numb. I cant seem to tell how I feel. I feel nothing.It's like being stuck.I don't know if this is normal and I am scared. I have been told that it will get better,I don't see how.I have spent everyday missing my boyfriend, wishing he will call me and tell me this is just a bad nightmare.He will walk into door with this huge smile, hug me and kiss me on the forehead , I want to hear his voice "I  love you more Mtoto (Swahili for Babe)" I want everything back.

[ModHerc]

Andrew's girl,

As you said, the words don't make things any easier, but I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through.  We all have yelled, lashed out at those who were trying to help, and feel the emptiness of our lost futures.  We have all been stuck in that numbed daze, unable to think clearly, unable to even really understand the pain we are going through.  It is normal for you, and for us all, and it is horrible in a way that people who haven't experienced it most often don't understand.

Andrew sounds like a wonderful man, caring, gentle, and thoughtful.  It is so tragic that he was taken so young, and in such a brutal way.  Your love for him will never fade, and his for you is eternal.  As you come up on the anniversary my thoughts will be with you, I know important dates can be so difficult, at least for me.

I've been told that it never gets better, it gets different.  At least here we can share our experiences with one another and take some measure of consolation in the understanding of others.  I hope you find some comfort either in that thought, or in any other way you can manage,

Herc

[KayC]

Fzald,

You are very new in this grief journey...at this point i wouldn't expect you to feel any differently than you do, I was just trying to point out that there may be some hope down the road.  

Herc,

I think it does get better in that we get better at coping with it, at adjusting, and we do eventually create a life for ourselves that we can live and find some purpose again.  It's never the same, that is for sure, but better than it was at the time of their death, which I can't imagine anything being worse than that point in time.

Andrew's girl,

i am so sorry.  I see so many young people here hurting with their losses, and it just seems to wrong.  My husband had just turned 51 and I felt that was young but when I hear of people in their 20s dying...it just feels wrong.  My husband and I met in our mid 40s, had he died in his 20s we wouldn't have even met!  So even though we didn't get to grow old together and it cut short all of our plans, I'm grateful we at least got to know each other and be in each other's lives, for the length of time we had.

I'm glad you found this site and hope it's of help to you as it has been to the rest of us.

[fzald]

I worked a bit late last night, just to catch up on a few things. Not very late, just sort of.

But as I was getting ready to leave, I realized that it was the time at which my girl and I typically would sit down and discuss dinner plans and evening plans. 

Since then I have just had an attack of feelings. I can't even describe in words what I feel, other than to use the words agony, despair, pain. But it's different. It's not the raw ready-to-cry pain that I've had mostly until now. It's not that gut-wrenching memory. It's more of just a persistent feeling of pain. I managed to eat something last night but then I had no energy, no ambition to even read or anything for the rest of the evening, other than this board. I went to bed at 11 and didn't wake up today until noon. Very restless night. Did have a couple very quick dreams of her, very bittersweet. But now I still have that same feeling I had last night. I can't find motivation to even take care of the basics, like I had been able to do until now. Maybe this is just more of the denial falling away, but it's awful. Like I said I can't even think straight. Even writing posts on here is challenging now. All I want to do is sit around and do nothing, and the feeling of wanting to follow her is stronger again.

How do people do it?

[KMB]

Andrew's girl----I can't say anything that will ease your pain, much less take it away. It is incomprehensible when loss of a beloved happens, especially at the start of their adult lives. You and Andrew found your soulmate in each other, planning all that you wanted included in that togetherness.I am so sorry that was all taken from you, taken away with Andrew. Everything you have been feeling, dealing with, is completely normal. This is grieving. This is the price we pay for giving our heart to someone special. Your love for each other is eternal. Andrew will live on, in your heart. You are in pain and you are overwhelmed. Just breathe. That is your only responsibility right now. What is most important is you, taking care of you. This is a wonderful forum. It has become my life line. You can cry, vent, release all that you are experiencing here. You will be heard and understood.

Hugs to you.

[fzald]

I wish I could cry.

I don't know why I can't cry right now. I have the worst feelings I've had since this started, and I don't know how to let any of it out. A good cry would feel good. 

I can't even put words to what I feel. It's pure torture. I can't get my mind off of it even for a few seconds. I can't focus on anything. I ate a tiny bit and got full and felt sick. If this is how it feels, especially if it lasts months, I really don't know how to do it.

I just want some relief. Some calm. I used to have some calm periods. Those seem to be gone. All I can think of is what I lost, what I will never never have again. It's getting harder, not easier. Way harder. I don't know how people do it.

[fzald]

I Just learned a new business opened in town. 

Normally this would make me happy as it's a place I've wanted here for a long time.

Tonight though it only brings me sadness. Because my girlfriend wanted this place to open almost more than I did. She would have been overjoyed. I can see her in my mind jumping up and down and cheering. 

Its sad because she wanted this place to open so badly. Now it is and she's not here to enjoy it.

Still can't cry. Still full of despair. Still full of pain. It's unbearable. 

[KayC]

fzald,

21 hours ago, fzald said:

How do people do it?

The same way you are making your way through it, one day at a time.  

21 hours ago, fzald said:

But it's different. It's not the raw ready-to-cry pain that I've had mostly until now. It's not that gut-wrenching memory. It's more of just a persistent feeling of pain.

This grief journey is ever evolving, even our feelings.  Personally I'm glad the gut-wrenching feelings of the beginning change into something more bearable, even that persistent feeling of pain will change into a kind of a sadness you learn to carry with you.  In time you don't even think about it so much, it's more something you get used to.  Like something missing that you learn to live with.  But anything, to me, is preferable to the early days when you learn about their death and are trying to grapple with it.  Preferable in a way, but still it's hard to get used to their not coming back, that nothing will be the same again.  You speak about that when you talk about the new business...it's like a fresh affront hitting you again that she's gone, that there's something more you can't share with her.  In time it stops hitting you so much because you get used to being alone.  May not like it any better, but more used to it.

That may not sound like much of a comfort to you, but believe me, it is, it's hope that tomorrow won't feel like today and today is different from yesterday, it's the evolution of a grief journey.  

[fzald]

I've been thinking about pain though lately. Emotional pain is very interesting. See, physical pain is easy to explain. It's nerve impulses hitting our brain that signal pain. That means we can mask it off, we can dull it, we can medicate it. We understand physical pain relatively well. 

Emotional pain though seems to come from somewhere outside of our own body. Our mind feels it so immensely. But we can't just block a certain nerve impulse and eliminate it. Emotional pain doesn't come from a physical source. It's not an electrical impulse coming from a part of the body signalling pain. It's purely abstract. It comes from the situations we live through, it comes from our human experience. It comes from a place that we as humans still can't really reach, can't control, and don't even truly understand: human existence itself. Neurologists may be able to explain pain chemically to a point, but we still don't get how simple experiences can cause those chemical changes. 

For all of us here. What's happened? Someone passed away. Is that causing us physical pain? Is that person's absence causing our nerves to send pain impulses to our brains? Not at all. We exist exactly as we did prior to that person's death physically. All of the pain comes from within our own mind. It comes from bittersweet memories, the simple knowledge of our loss, the longing, the desire for them to return, the difficult truth of finality. It comes from a place that we can't touch, see or control. It comes from our own perception of a situation that our minds don't like. So one could ask: how is it that someone dies, and our perception of that causes our brain to change physically, chemically? Also, why is it that when someone we don't know dies we don't have the same reaction? It's very obviously connected to our experience more than it is the physical event of death.

We as humans need and crave companionship with other humans. This may have biological purposes, we might even be able to argue how it is part of our evolution (no offense, anyone). There are even people who suggest that humans are naturally polygamous, which they use to explain things like cheating and the "seven-year itch". These same people will usually suggest that, biologically, we have a single primary purpose: to reproduce, to spread our genes and carry on our species. But I think all of us can agree there's gotta be something more than that. If our only job here was to reproduce, how is it that we can develop such a strong emotional connection to another human that their passing causes such a deep profound amount of anguish that's not even the result of a physical stimulus? 

We all know the pain of grief. Some try to explain it by saying it's our mind's way of trying to help us maintain or rebuild lost connections, it's what motivates us to try to rebuild friendships or relationships, and anyone who has broken up and gotten back together and "sidestepped" grief knows just how euphoric that reunion can feel. But I believe there's more going on. Death is a natural part of life, it's one thing that every single one of us someday will experience. If you want to talk about evolution or whatever, it wouldn't make sense that we would feel such profound loss over the death of another human, especially to the point that many of us have experienced of feeling suicidal or wishing to die. There is no "biological" value in wishing to die. Yet many of us have felt exactly that, and only because another human who we love died. 

So like I said, it feels like the pain we feel can't be something purely biological or evolutionary. It feels like it has to have more of a spiritual basis. We are biological creatures at the core, we have basic needs like eating, breathing, and drinking, and we have some basic desires like sex. But we as humans have advanced so far beyond these basic biological needs. As I've said, I do believe there's something beyond earthly existence as a human. There has to be. So many things we experience don't make sense biologically, but do make sense spiritually. We aren't feeling pain of loss because another collection of biological matter happened to stop functioning. We feel it because that other person represented something to us spiritually, on a level far beyond their physical being. The pain isn't because their body died, it's because we have been forcefully separated from the spiritual connection with that person. The pain isn't physical, it's spiritual. I know there are people who believe that death is truly the end, and I respect that belief, but I personally do believe there is something else. There has to be. 

[fzald]

Ok, here comes another thought dump.

If you haven't seen The Matrix movies, I'll give you the quick version of the gist of it, but if you've seen them you'll get the reference. Basically, The Matrix refers to a computer simulated virtual world that humans exist in. A super-advanced artificially intelligent computer generates and presents the world to humans by directly overriding their senses at the brain stem through an implant. Humans living inside "the Matrix" perceive it as reality. Inside The Matrix, you would have no way to know you are being fed a simulated reality, because our reality is defined by our five senses and how our brains interpret them. Think about it for a moment - assuming a computer or other device could truly override your senses, and assuming you had never known any differently, how would you know you're not in reality?

So, spoiler alert here: in the movie, some characters have gained the knowledge that the Matrix is a false reality, and more importantly have gained the ability to enter and exit the simulated world at will. The movies revolve around these characters, and their desire to "free" the world from the simulation. 

So what's the point? Well, consider what we think of when we talk about the other side, or the spirit world. What if, just maybe, just maybe, there is a higher plane of existence, a higher world that we exist in, but while we are here on Earth, we are represented as bodies here on Earth, as Earthly "avatars"? The Matrix called it "residual self-image - a mental project of your virtual self." Our bodies here on Earth may just be the physical world representations of our spiritual selves.

When I said that the pain of loss isn't from the body dying but is from the lost connection, what I meant is that the actual fact that the body is gone isn't what bothers us. What bothers us is the experiences and dreams and plans we lost. The things we miss are relatively abstract.  I miss going to a restaurant with my girlfriend. I miss spending time sitting with her, talking, enjoying time together. I miss going to the movies with her. I miss making love. I miss hugging, kissing, saying I love you. I miss her physical presence immensely. But her physical presence isn't all she was, or is. What if her physical body is just the Earthly representation of her higher being? While she was here, she could only work with the senses she had on Earth, but maybe once you "wake up" from this life, you do exist in a different world? 

Think about it. Do you miss the fact that your physical body and their physical body are seated in two chairs at a table with food in front of each of you, and you are putting that food in your mouth? Or do you miss the experience, the togetherness, time together, sharing thoughts and conversation while eating? If it was just the body you missed, you could find someone else who looks similar to the person you lost, invite them out to eat and you'd feel fine. Obviously that's not what we miss. We miss physical presence because that physical presence is how we experienced a connection to their spiritual being. For me, her body was how I interacted with her spirit. It is the only way we have to interact with someone else in this world, because we are limited by our five senses. But I do believe that her body is not her. Her body failed and stopped working, but that doesn't have to mean that she herself stopped existing. She's not in the graveyard. She's in another world, afterlife, whatever. I grieve the loss of the ability to perceive her with my Earthly senses. I will never be able to experience her in person again, in this world, in this life, with the limits it has. But will I be able to interact with her again on a higher spiritual level someday? God, I sure, really, really do hope so.

So one thing that does differ from the Matrix and my ideas here is that in the Matrix, you can die in real life when you die inside The Matrix. For this to work I have to break the continuity of that particular interpretation of tiered reality and assume that you can die on Earth but wake up in the afterlife. 

But the point of all of this is that we only miss their body, their physical presence, because that's how we interacted with their spirit, their soul, whatever. As I've said before, our bodies are just a bunch of biochemical material that happens to function as a biological system. But our self-awareness, our ability to feel so immensely both positively and negatively, the amazing experiences we have here on Earth, it has to be something beyond just physics and chemistry. Maybe that's exactly what it is - that our bodies are containers for our spirits, that we experience what we do here through our senses, but our actual "being" exists elsewhere, and once our lives here end we get to bring our consciousness to that elsewhere...where hopefully, maybe, our beloved wait for us, anxious to see us again, anxious to be with us again.

 

[fzald]

Well, I had my first dream of her in-person for a while, and this one I believe might have been a contact.

We were in person at work. In the dream, work looked like work. It wasn't like a strange unknown environment as is common in dreams. It was very clearly our office. Even the signs on the wall.

She was there with me physically, at her desk. But oddly, she was up high. As if she were standing on her chair.

We were talking back and forth a little, I don't recall the specifics. But I called her by one of the funny cute names I always called her, and she giggled, her amazingly cute giggle that made anyone smile. I give her a hug, and because she's higher up than me I end up burying my face in her stomach for a second. I remember smelling her scent, feeling her softness, and grinning and tearing up all at once.

Then I asked her "Is this real?"

She answered "No."

I said "What do you mean?"

She said "I think you know."

She is smiling the whole time.

I say "You've gone on?"

She just smiles hugely. That grin that brought me to my knees. 

And then I woke up.

She didn't actually say she's OK or anything, but maybe she is. Maybe her smile is her way of saying that. But I woke up sad. For some reason, even the knowledge that she's OK isn't bringing me peace. Maybe I'm just selfish. But, I want her here. Her being happy and comfortable somewhere else is certainly better than her being in pain or suffering, but it's nowhere near what she and I could have if she were still here in this world. And that's what I truly want... even though it'll never be.

I haven't been able to focus well at work at all today. I found myself fantasizing on the way again that I'd get here and find her sitting at her desk, like in my dream. I still find myself doing that a lot - fantasizing that she's real, that I'll get a message from her, or even an elaborate scenario where another co-worker texts me and tells me to get to the office immediately or a friend texts me to say she showed up or all sorts of crazy stuff like that. I still have not accepted her loss fully. I don't know how to. I feel a persistent empty ache, a pain that doesn't go away no matter how much I try to relax. There's a void in my life, a hole only she can fill in. 

[Numb and Lost]

On 2/3/2017 at 11:39 AM, fzald said:

I am still having panic or anxiety attacks. They tend to come in bursts, I can't always predict them, and they're not even necessarily tied with a specific thought or memory of my girlfriend.

They are the worst in the morning. I wake up and find that I don't want to move. I don't want to face the day. The idea of facing the day alone can be enough to bring one of the attacks on. I find myself trembling, breathing rapidly and am unable to calm down for a while. It can be either a few seconds or a minute or more. 

My friend asked me to tell the story of how we met. I did. I told of how we were immediately attracted to each other but we were only friends for a while. I talked of how she fell in love with me and how I fell in love with her. I talked of how we were so happy to finally have each other when we started dating. For just a second or two, I actually smiled. And then I immediately broke down and shook while I cried hot and heavy tears. 

It feels like that when I talk about her, when I talk about the good times, it's almost like it's not real anymore. It's almost like I am taking myself back to those times. It's like I am avoiding the truth, I'm focusing so much on her being here, that I'm ignoring that she isn't and never can be again. And then when I have to come back to reality, I can't handle it. I break down and cry all over again.

The last time I saw her is still running through my head, over and over and over. The last words we spoke to each other. Me not knowing it would literally be the last time I'd see her, her lively and happy face, her beauty. I even think about the week during which she was still alive but unconscious - how strange now to think that she was actually never going to come back...

It's getting worse for me, not better. I know we're only what, 6 days in, but I got thrown into a hole and I can't even see the light at the top, let alone fathom how to start climbing. In my darkest moments I just want to stay at the bottom and let whatever happens happen. I want her to come take me with her, to save me from the anguish. I know she would not ever wish this kind of pain on anyone, and sometimes I wish she could just take me with her to save me from the pain.

 

 

I relate to a lot of what you are experiencing, the anxiety, the numbness, begging God to just take my pain away or even take me too because I don't want to hurt like this it's been two months and a week since he died. He was only 34. When you said you aren't focusing on her being here and ignoring that she isn't I really can relate to that. I have even had a hard time describing it. It's like I try to put myself back at the time when he was here so I can feel it again and know it was real.  But it will hit me that I can't see or talk to him ever again and then the anxiety comes again-hot, dizzy, crying, nausea, sometimes I feel like I might pass out. I just feel like I absolutely can't handle any of it. I had nightmares at first. I dreamed about finding out about his death all over again several times. In my dream he died different ways or sometimes he was barely hanging on and there was still a chance. I'm a medical professional and one time I dreamed they needed me stat in the ER and when I got down there it was him bleeding all over the table. At least those dreams have stopped and I hope they don't return. I've also dreamed that I am looking for him. In my dream I understand he is gone and that I cant find him but not that he is dead. I dreamed I was on the phone with him once and we got disconnected and I thought we will talk again I'm sure in a week or so only to wake up and remenber we won't this time. ever. My anxiety is also worse in the morning. I think it's because for a min I wake up and forget the turmoil that I'm living in and then it hits. It's been a little better this past week or so. The depression and despair hasn't, but the terrible anxiety is a little better at times. I have to take xanax sometimes though. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel either. I don't forsee me ever being normal or okay again. 

[fzald]

Numb,

It's funny you quoted my post from 2/3. That was almost a month ago. I've been on this forum over a month now. Wow...

But I do know what you mean with the dreams. I still have them. I still have dreams that she's still alive sometimes, and in some dreams I dreamt we were on the phone or texting but I couldn't get to her in person. Sometimes I look at her obituary to try to remind myself of the finality of her death, and sometimes it actually calms me just a tiny bit, but it's temporary. Nothing helps in the long run. No matter what I do to try to dull down the pain a little, even just make it manageable, I just end up hurting even more in the end. It's kind of like there's a quota of pain and unless I've felt enough of it, I'll have to feel extra pain for a while to make up for what I tried to avoid.

I wake up in the morning sometimes and, like you, forget it's real. For a few blissful minutes, I imagine that I'm going to grab my phone, send her a text and say good morning and ask her what her plans are for the day, and what she wants to do for lunch. Then as I wake up more, reality sets in and i remember no, I will never, ever be able to do that again. Not just "can't do that for now". It's "never again". The "never" part is the hardest. We have been separated in the past, one summer she worked an out of state internship and we were apart for almost 3 months, but we made it work, we communicated regularly and when she got back we spent a lot of time together. There was always an end date to the separation, so that is why I was able to be OK during those times. But now, it's final. It's forever. Never again in this life will I share any moments with her, any new experiences, or get to relive any old experiences with her. That's the part I still cannot and have not fully accepted.

I don't know how I'll ever be OK either. Without the one I love, without the one person I gave my heart and soul too, how can I ever be truly complete again?

[Numb and Lost]

I read some of your other posts here too, and so much I can relate to, especially your analogy about the mansion. That is just how I feel, like I am just doing what I have to do to make it through each day pretty much on auto pilot. I have this constant feeling that I am waiting on something. My story and grief is complicated. I was having an affair on and off for years. We stopped seeing each other a few times as that was the right thing to do. Every time I would get upset but I always knew it wouldn't be over for good. I just felt it. It's crazy because I still have that feeling. I am having major acceptance problems. Some days it's like I just refuse to accept it, and that's why I remember old times I try to pretend its now. I went and parked somewhere that we used to meet and tried to go back to the day when I was parked there waiting on him just so I could remember what it felt like to have him here. I am still in total shock when I truly try to face the reality of it. It just doesn't seem like it can be real. I couldn't go to the funeral. He was creamated then buried. I have horrible thoughts of his body burning and even though I know he wasn't there anymore in that body I still can't stand the thought of it. I went to the grave once at night and I wish I could just go sit there in the daytime, but I'm scared someone will see me. He told me two weeks before he died he bought a motorcycle. I said "please don't die on that thing." That's how he died. I look at his obituary sometime too just trying to make myself understand. I read the news article again and the comments underneath it. It ultimately just sparks an anxiety attack. Today has been a bad day. Some days I force myself to keep busy and other days I lay down and cry all day. I feel like my only purpose now is to force myself through each day for the rest of my days, and make life good for my kids and pray they never have to hurt like this in their lives. My friends think I will be better eventually. I might be better at hiding it but that's it. I know myself too well. I am 33 and have only cared for two men in my lifetime. I will never ever get over it. He was definitely a once in a lifetime kind of person. 

[KMB]

Numb and Lost, It is heartening to see you back. I've been wondering about you and how you are coping. I'm working hard at trying to get into an easier, realistic perspective with the loss of my husband. It has been one step forward and two back. We are all works in progress here. It helps that we have each other here to lean on. We will all get through this journey together.

[fzald]

Numb,

We always feel like we have forever, don't we? My girlfriend and I were certainly not the pinnacle of problem-free relationships. We definitely had our arguments, our fights, and there were even a few that were bad enough that the words "maybe we should just break up" were thrown around. However, in the end we always came back together. We both loved each other on a deep level even if we couldn't always admit it to each other in anger. 

But I always thought I would have, not necessarily forever, but a long time with her. Years, decades. a lifetime. Since she was younger than me, I always thought I would die before her, but I wanted to live a long time so I could spare her that as much as I could. If she was going to live to, say, 85, I wanted to somehow make it to maybe 90, so she'd have only a few years to go without me. Or the other way around, even if she did die before me I assumed it would be when we were both older, so we wouldn't have to grieve each other for long. Also, I expected to have raised a family by then, to have lived a full, complete, happy life with her. Never in my wildest thoughts did I ever think she would die as young as she did. 

I've talked about premonitions on here. Similar to you, I remember saying something to her the last time I saw her along the lines of "I'm gonna miss you! You have to come back next weekend and see me again!" She giggled and said "I'll miss you too! But yes I'll be back next weekend so it won't be long." That was the last time I saw her in person alive. That weekend, we did text, but I had thoughts like "what if that actually is the last time I'll ever see her?" Little did I know that those thoughts weren't just random crazy ideas my brain came up with. They turned out to be true. I never did see her again alive. Three days later, out of town, on vacation, is when she dropped into a coma. She never woke up and died five days later. The next time I saw "her" was at the wake.

Numb and Lost, like you I'm 33, I was a little over 10 years older than my girlfriend. This kind of grief might be more reasonable if I were in my 70s or 80s. I'm in my 30s. I have a theoretically long life ahead of me (although my girlfriend's life was also theoretically long, so...). I no longer fear death. If I were informed I had a terminal illnesss, I would let it take me. If I were to die in my sleep, that would be fine with me. Most of the prominent members in my family have passed on, all of my grandparents and my father are gone. My mom is starting to become ill, I'm not sure how long she has. But I wouldn't mind if I could just be gone. The pain is so immense, so overpowering. I am barely getting through a day. I am barely breathing. I wonder why I am still here, how anyone survives this pain.

 

[Numb and Lost]

Fzald almost everything you say I feel also. I used to be a hypochondriac of sorts, always thinking I had some illness. I feared illness and death. Now I don't. Now when I start to think I have something I almost feel a ray of hope or excitement. I feel terribly guilty for that because I wouldn't want to leave my children whom I love dearly. I am just in so much pain it's unbearable. I have said it before on some of my other posts here but one of the worst things that haunts me the most is that I dreamed a few months before he died that I saw a status on fb that said "RIP brother you will be missed" I woke up so relieved that it was a dream, and thought that would be my worse fear is if he died without me saying things I needed to or resolving my feelings, telling him what he meant to me. Well that is how I found out he died. A Facebook status exactly like my dream. It said "you will be missed brother" etc. There were a few other feelings I had that were premonitions of sorts that I can't really even describe. But it's just so every to me that dream about the fb status turned out to be my exact reality. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. When I imagine the future 20-50 years ahead I just can't take that thought at all. I can't feel like this for that long. I used to look at fb all the time to see when he was on there. Now I look at it and of course it never changes. I cry so much but it is worse in my car. I start crying as soon as I start driving. I just don't know how I can make it. 

[Numb and Lost]

2 hours ago, KMB said:

Numb and Lost, It is heartening to see you back. I've been wondering about you and how you are coping. I'm working hard at trying to get into an easier, realistic perspective with the loss of my husband. It has been one step forward and two back. We are all works in progress here. It helps that we have each other here to lean on. We will all get through this journey together.

It's definitely one step forward and two back! Just when I have a moment that I feel like I might be a fraction of "okay" the worse distress and pain hits. I have been on the griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com forum some too. I feel like these forums are the only place I can talk about it now. The people that know are tired of hearing it and they don't understand. 

[fzald]

1 hour ago, Numb and Lost said:

Fzald almost everything you say I feel also. I used to be a hypochondriac of sorts, always thinking I had some illness. I feared illness and death. Now I don't. Now when I start to think I have something I almost feel a ray of hope or excitement. I feel terribly guilty for that because I wouldn't want to leave my children whom I love dearly. I am just in so much pain it's unbearable. I have said it before on some of my other posts here but one of the worst things that haunts me the most is that I dreamed a few months before he died that I saw a status on fb that said "RIP brother you will be missed" I woke up so relieved that it was a dream, and thought that would be my worse fear is if he died without me saying things I needed to or resolving my feelings, telling him what he meant to me. Well that is how I found out he died. A Facebook status exactly like my dream. It said "you will be missed brother" etc. There were a few other feelings I had that were premonitions of sorts that I can't really even describe. But it's just so every to me that dream about the fb status turned out to be my exact reality. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. When I imagine the future 20-50 years ahead I just can't take that thought at all. I can't feel like this for that long. I used to look at fb all the time to see when he was on there. Now I look at it and of course it never changes. I cry so much but it is worse in my car. I start crying as soon as I start driving. I just don't know how I can make it. 

You definitely describe what sounds like a premonition. To me, just more proof that there's more out there than we can perceive.

I know how you feel about online profiles though. My girlfriend wasn't a heavy Facebook user but she did have twitter, sometimes I still pull up her profile. "last posted 1/17/2017". I still almost expect to see that change. Her profile is just more proof that she was alive, she was real, that we shared something real.

I also used to get scared and think I had conditions, now i welcome them. I had a mouse infestation in my house l, we got it taken care of but suddenly I started having some shortness of breath, read up online and it suggested mice can carry a pretty deadly respiratory disease, I freaked out and went to the doctor right away. I just had a minor infection that responded well to antibiotics. But today I would probably welcome the disease, I would be glad to know my time is almost up.

I can't stop thinking of her. It's like the antithesis to a great love story. I can't stop thinking of her, but she's gone and never coming back, unlike when you say you can't stop thinking of them because you're so happy and joyful and full of love and smiles. Oh, how I wish I could go back to that time, when my not being about to get her off my mind was a pleasure, something to smile about.....

[Numb and Lost]

I am so terrified of living for 50 more years and him becoming a distant memory, but one that still hurts just as much as now.  I worry about his memory in the sense that it will one day seem so long ago when I am old and remembering us young and trying to recall his voice. I'm trying to take it one day at a time and not think that far ahead though bc it just makes it worse. But like I said before, I know me, and I don't get over things and I won't get over this. I feel like I'm going to just have to "wait my life" out basically. All of it seems like a tragic movie. We hadn't seen each other in a long time and we had been planning to soon and talking a lot about it. We just couldn't get our schedules together.  He FaceTimed me and he said "why haven't we done this before? This might be the only way we ever get to see each other" That was the last time I ever saw him, in that FaceTime call. Him saying that is just more irony. I never got to say what I needed to say. I'll never know how he felt, not in words anyway. I firmly believe there is more out there. I am a Christian, as was he (yes despite our transgressions ha) and I have to believe he is in heaven. If I didn't have that hope of seeing him again I truly couldn't go on.  I've posted this experience before, but one day I was in my car and I just cried and begged God to just let me know he was ok and I would see him again. I hadn't been listening to the radio because it just gets me upset, but I felt prompted to turn it on right after that. It gave me a little peace.I don't think we will have that kind of love in heaven, and I'm sure not that stemmed from an affair, but all I know is if I can see him again at all I'll be happy.  (Sorry if anyone else is reading this for the 3rd time I've posted a few places I know )The song lyrics that were playing were these:

All of the time that it takes to figure it out
Could be the moments
That you can't live without

Everything we hold could someday slip away

I want you to know
Im leaving to let you go
And someday we'll walk upon
The streets of gold

The trouble with love is that it comes to an end
I've got a feeling I'm gonna find you again
Just in a place where love cant die

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Numb and Lost]

Sometimes I feel like I truly can't go on. It just hurts more than I feel like I can bear. Everything he ever said to me will just flood my memory and I just start shaking sometimes. I just can't believe he's really gone when I can see and hear him so clearly. It's like a constant shock. I look at the obituary and I can't stand to see his name associated with obituary. Sometimes the emotional pain even makes me physically ill. 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

 

I am so terrified of living for 50 more years and him becoming a distant memory

 

One day at a time.  Don't look 50 years ahead, it's too much.  My George isn't a distant memory.  There've been times it seemed surreal and I wondered if I dreamed him up, but no , he really was here, he's not a figment of my imagination.  I know it's hard because you don't have tangible things of his.  But you still have places to visit that you both went to. 

[fzald]

Oh god, the dreams.

So for a while I didn't have many dreams of her. The night before last I had a dream that I described, where even though we were hanging out in person in the dream she told me it wasn't real but wouldn't elaborate. But last night, I had a longer dream, in which everything was normal. Very vivid again, and without any "strange" environments. It was our usual workplace. And we were doing typical things. I even remember a specific task we were working on at work. And she was so real. Her mannerisms, her quirks, her cute voice, all there. Everything. It might as well have been real. 

Waking up from a dream like that is pure torture. In my dream, for a short time, I got to have her again. I got to be with her, I got to feel her presence. I got to feel just like it hadn't happen. For a brief moment I had a "gift", the feeling of her presence, her love, her existence. Almost as if I was given that "one more time" we wish for. But it was just a dream. Only a dream. Not real. Never going to be real. 

My morning has been very rough just from this. I feel like I've made a few steps back. This week has been completely agonizing. It's the worst week I've had since she passed. Today it will be six weeks since she was alive and well and I saw her in person. Six weeks ago today, I hugged her, I felt her, I kissed her, I told her I loved her and those beautiful words came out of her mouth as well. Six weeks. 42 days. Such a short period of time, but such an eternity.

Not doing too well today.. sorry guys.

[ModHerc]

Numb and lost,

One moment at a time.  Sometimes that's all we can manage.  When I feel in a really positive frame of mind, I will try to look further, but when I am in the depths of despair, I know nothing productive will come of looking any further than the next tear.  Even those debilitating moments of grief and pain are productive in the long run.  The tears are our tribute, the physical creation of the love we lost.  Like our love they pass, evaporating into the ether, but taking a part of us with them.  In romantic moments I think perhaps they travel to my love, reminding her that she is cared for, remembered, and loved oh so much.  Bringing her a small part of me to help her through whatever she is dealing with, just as the part of her that she left me with me aids me through my days.  Hoping that you can make it through the moments you need to with some small amount of comfort,

Herc

[Numb and Lost]

KayC when I start freaking out thinking about the future I keep remembering you telling me to take it one day at a time  it is a hard thing to do but I'm trying. I'm still holding on to my hope that we are in the last days. That's really the only thing that gives me comfort right now.

Herc I've thought about that when I cry sometimes. I have hoped now that he knows just what he meant to me. I feel like our understanding has to be heightened in heaven so I feel like he has to know

Fzald I haven't had any dreams that seemed real. I am kind of dissapointed because I would love to feel him "alive" again for a few moments but I am also relieved that I haven't because of the despair that would surely follow when I realized it was only a dream. If he is in my dream it's strange. He is there but he doesn't play an active role in my dream or talk to me. He is just there. Or one time I was on the phone but it was like there was a bad connection and I couldn't get him back. I knew he was out of reach but didn't understand why. That's how it always is if he's in my dream, its as if my subconscious knows he's gone and I can't see him even when I'm sleeping. But most of the time I don't understand in my dream why I can't reach him though until I wake up. Once I dreamed that I was talking to someone about his wreck and I said "But I bet he will still get back on that motorcycle even after this." I have had a bad day too but they are pretty much all that way. I went to lunch with a friend and I was okay at that time didn't cry or anything, but when I get in my car that reality hits every single time and I just feel like I cannot make it. I think about how once I could just pick up the phone and call him and how I won't ever be able to do that again. I think about how I used to think about him and wonder what he was doing or look for him on the road and now he just isn't here. My heart just can't accept it or understand it. I am constantly trying to make sense of it and figure it out even though I know there is no making sense of it. 

[fzald]

Numb,

Dreams are strange. Some people believe, as I do to a point, that dreams are a way of spirits communicating with us, but also not all dreams would qualify as a "communication." The general way people differentiate it is when a dream is particularly vivid, you easily remember all the details without even having to try, and if the dream has fewer "weird" things in it like most dreams do. For example, the dream I had involved us at work, but it was our actual work, not some abstract location that felt right in the dream but made no sense afterwards. Also, I woke up and remembered almost every detail of the dream clearly and still do, even though I never wrote anything down. Other dreams I have had of her have been more fleeting and abstract, which people believe are more your own mind working through your memories as most dreams actually are.

But not seeing someone in dreams isn't necessarily bad either. It might scare you, maybe your beloved isn't bothering to come to you. But some also believe that entering dreams has to be learned, and that it is particularly hard when our emotions are overwhelming us with grief. At night I do tend to feel a little more at peace than during the day, so maybe I am more receptive to her visiting me in a dream. And maybe I am just naturally more "in tune" with those contacts than others. I really don't know, but I can say again that dreams of her are bittersweet, a feeling like she's still here that gets yanked away mercilessly when I wake. I wake up and want to cry. 

It's going to be bedtime again soon. Another night, another chance to shut down and focus on nothing for some hours. Maybe I'll dream of her again, maybe I won't. I no longer look forward to weekends though, because weekends were either our time together, or even if she was doing other things we were always in contact. Weekends were both our times and our separate times. But I don't want separate times right now. I want her back. 

[fzald]

I miss her so much.

Sleep eludes me again. For a long time sleep has been my sanctuary, the one time I can shut down and forget things for a bit.

Tonight I am flooded with memories, and I can only be sad. I miss her so terribly. It goes without saying that I would do anything to have her back, but tonight the pain is particularly immense.

i miss you. 

I cant think of anyone but you. 

I can't be happy. You took that with you.

i can't feel joy or purpose. You took that with you.

I don't know how to go on. You took that with you too.

I miss you.

So much.

I just miss you.

Please wait for me over there. Please hold on. Please be there when I finally pass. Please.

I miss you.

[Numb and Lost]

9 hours ago, fzald said:

I miss her so much.

Sleep eludes me again. For a long time sleep has been my sanctuary, the one time I can shut down and forget things for a bit.

Tonight I am flooded with memories, and I can only be sad. I miss her so terribly. It goes without saying that I would do anything to have her back, but tonight the pain is particularly immense.

i miss you. 

I cant think of anyone but you. 

I can't be happy. You took that with you.

i can't feel joy or purpose. You took that with you.

I don't know how to go on. You took that with you too.

I miss you.

So much.

I just miss you.

Please wait for me over there. Please hold on. Please be there when I finally pass. Please.

I miss you.

It's bad to fantasize about death but I have. I have written him a letter begging him to be there when I die. I imagine how it might be to be dying and then see him standing there smiling. I wonder will he remember me, will he know or care to be there when I die, will I even matter anymore at all etc. 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

it is a hard thing to do but I'm trying. I'm still holding on to my hope that we are in the last days. That's really the only thing that gives me comfort right now.

Wherever you can find comfort, cling to it.  And I think you may be right.

[KayC]

34 minutes ago, Numb and Lost said:

I wonder will he remember me, will he know or care to be there when I die, will I even matter anymore at all etc. 

Did he seem to care about you when he was alive?  Why would you doubt that you matter to him now then?  This is your own insecurity speaking, not HIM speaking!  Know inside of you what is real and let go of the nagging doubts.

(((hugs)))

[fzald]

I am worse today.

I had many small dreams of her last night. In all of them, we were physically together, enjoying time together. It is almost as if I was dreaming our memories, reliving them in a way, but also there were dreams involving some of the things we had planned for ourselves, living together and so on.

I got woken up around 8:30 but I've done nothing but lay here since then. Almost 4 hours. Some panic attacks hit me again, I had to just ride them. But over and over and over the realization that she is gone forever keeps hitting and hitting me. 

Shock? I think that's gone. Denial, I can consciously do that if I want to but it's not "automatic" anymore. So now it just feels like an unhealthy crutch. I am truly facing loss now, and I can't take it.

I don't know how to even get through today. All I can think of doing is laying here the rest of the day until it's time to sleep again, then popping a sleep aid and doing it. I have zero motivation today. All I have thought of for four hours is our memories and what I've lost. How only a month and a half ago I was so happy and alive. How my entire existence and my entire life were taken away in the blink of an eye. 

I am not doing well today at all. 

[Numb and Lost]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Did he seem to care about you when he was alive?  Why would you doubt that you matter to him now then?  This is your own insecurity speaking, not HIM speaking!  Know inside of you what is real and let go of the nagging doubts.

(((hugs)))

Thank you <3 

It's just the situation I guess that makes me unsure. We didn't really talk about it much. It's like talking about it made me feel more guilty perhaps? I especially think it was that way for him. I think he felt like the more feelings he had the worse what we were doing was. But I could see and feel how he felt I think, without words. One of the last conversations we had he asked if I had thought about how it would have been if we had started seeing each other back when we first met. At that time I was married and he wasn't. Honestly I would have had EVERY reason to have left then. I was so drawn to him even then but I was just young, scared, and trying to do the right thing. When he asked me if I had thought about it I said "Well YEAH!" as if I was saying "Duh like you have to ask that!!" It's crazy how memories can make me smile while crying tears of despair simultaneously. 

[Numb and Lost]

1 hour ago, fzald said:

I am worse today.

I had many small dreams of her last night. In all of them, we were physically together, enjoying time together. It is almost as if I was dreaming our memories, reliving them in a way, but also there were dreams involving some of the things we had planned for ourselves, living together and so on.

I got woken up around 8:30 but I've done nothing but lay here since then. Almost 4 hours. Some panic attacks hit me again, I had to just ride them. But over and over and over the realization that she is gone forever keeps hitting and hitting me. 

Shock? I think that's gone. Denial, I can consciously do that if I want to but it's not "automatic" anymore. So now it just feels like an unhealthy crutch. I am truly facing loss now, and I can't take it.

I don't know how to even get through today. All I can think of doing is laying here the rest of the day until it's time to sleep again, then popping a sleep aid and doing it. I have zero motivation today. All I have thought of for four hours is our memories and what I've lost. How only a month and a half ago I was so happy and alive. How my entire existence and my entire life were taken away in the blink of an eye. 

I am not doing well today at all. 

Once again I can relate to you so much. Perhaps it is our age that makes us react similar, I don't know. I also just want to lay here today. I woke up at 8 and it is now 1:30. I haven't slept at all but have just been laying here all day. I got up once and ate, and then I was sick and nauseated. Now I'm back in the bed. I wrote him a letter again. I just type it all out just as if I was really texting him and then I just delete it. When you say it keeps "hitting" you I know EXACTLY what you mean. It's a feeling that can't even properly be put into words. Remembering just a little over two months ago he was here and then realizing he never will be again. I remember when I used to pick up my phone and turn that messenger app on to see if he was in fb. I want to reach for my phone sometimes to look. I did for a while and then I deleted the messenger app. I couldn't stand to look at it and never see his name active. I feel like every day is a hard effort to make it to nightfall where I can finally go to sleep only to start the entire process again the next day. I put on a facade and I do things with my kids, but sometimes I feel like a robot just going through motions.....waiting. Today I haven't done anything though. I made it to this forum. That's about it.

[fzald]

Numb,

I still have her text thread on my phone. I try not to do it, but sometimes I break down and look at it. It's so surreal to see her last messages to me. Since her death was so sudden, there was nothing unusual about her last texts. It looks like I should be able to text her and get a response, because the last thing there looks so normal. That's the thing, isn't it - they're gone, but so much of their essence remains behind in different ways. 

Anything I do is definitely going through the motions. I have had to cut back on work. I am lucky to eat one full meal per day. I have to even make myself take showers. This existence is completely miserable. 

The only words I really have are that I miss her. That can never come close to expressing just how much I really do miss her. I still have no idea how to get through an entire lifetime without her. 

 

[Numb and Lost]

I have a screenshot of our texts saved and some days I don't look at it at all because it hurts so much and some days I just read it over and over and over again. I put myself back in that day and remember when I was reading it waiting on his response. I remember what it felt like for him to be alive and things to be normal. KayC keeps reminding me not to think too far ahead and it's a good point so I'm trying not to imagine the future. It gets the hardest for me when I do. It's hard not to think about it, but I'm working on it. I can't stand the thought of 50 more years carrying this grief it's just too much.  I get a little better with my eating then worse again. I'm still in the bed today. It's so pretty outside and I just haven't been able to get up today. I haven't even slept I've just laid here all day and now it's 5:30pm! Sometimes I have really strange feelings I can't describe. I'm having them right now but I honestly don't know how to describe them other than I feel weird. 

[Numb and Lost]

I don't want to get "used to" him being gone. I don't want to look at his picture and it seem normal that he is gone. It just doesn't feel like it can be real. My strange feelings I put in that last post have turned into complete break down again. I just looked at all his pictures and the pages he liked on Facebook and I just cannot believe this is real and I just have to go on living with this reality. 

[fzald]

I am afraid sometimes to read our conversations. I have a lot of text conversations saved and even some videos of us together. I have avoided looking at any of it most of the time. The only things I still open up sometimes are our last conversations. 

When she was alive but unconscious I looked at our conversations all day. I went back to some love notes we had from early in our relationship. I had some videos of us from our first formal "date". I looked at everything I could find easily that week. It helped me reaffirm my love for her, and it was in that midst that I made the promise that I would do anything she needed to help her be OK, regardless of how hard.

But with her passing I find I can't look at our conversations anymore, or our videos. I can barely look at a photo of her. 

I feel sick tonight. I ate a normal  meal and have felt nauseous and sick since then. I am in so much emotional pain right now it is simply unbearable. It hurts so so so bad. I really do not know how to go on without her. Without ever being able to share anything with her again. 

[fzald]

Numb,

You don't have to worry that you will "forget" him. You never will forget your beloved. Just like I will never forget mine. 

Eventually, yes, we will find a new "normal". We don't have much choice. If any of us had any choice, we would not be in this situation. But we are forced, against our will, to live with the situation in which we're being forced. Will it ever feel "normal"? No. For the rest of our lives, we will have a void in our hearts, an empty space that nobody can ever fill completely. Some of us may move on and find new love. Some of us may never find new love. Either way though, we will never be 100% "complete" again like we were with our soulmates. 

Don't worry about being "used to" him being gone. You'll never be OK with it. You'll never feel it was right, or that it was OK that it happened. For the rest of your life you will carry the love you shared, the dreams you had, the memories you made with you. You'll never be happy about the outcome. What people say is that we will eventually be able to not be sad and depressed and in pure agony all the time. Eventually we'll be able to live a life, even enjoy some of it, but at the same time our loss will forever be "background noise" in our lives. They say someday you will look at pictures or read letters or whatever and instead of plunging into pure pain and agony, you'll instead remember the time you shared with a little smile and a little sadness mixed in, and you'll be able to move forward with your day. 

I hope this is true. For me right now I am where you are. I can't feel anything right now except sadness and despair. The shock is wearing off. The denial is fading. Now I am left with my agony and suffering, with no end in sight. I think all we can truly do is go with the flow, do what we have to do and hope that someday we will find a calm. And the biggest hope is that once we do pass on ourselves, our beloveds will be waiting for us on the other side, to guide us into the next world, to reunite with us forever and enjoy eternal love and happiness. 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

 

I don't want to get "used to" him being gone. I don't want to look at his picture and it seem normal that he is gone.

 

The alternative is to keep it stirred up and have it be unbearable.  It's not wishing them away, it's healthy adjustment that helps us cope.  They will never be "gone" from us.  George is on my mind ALL THE TIME!  I think about him all the time.  And it's been nearly twelve years.  But I realize he's not here and I have to live without him here.  There's no choice.  To deny that to myself...I might as well check myself into an asylum.  There's just ME to do the chores here.  There's just ME to support myself.  There's just ME when I go to bed.  There's ME alone on Christmas.  He's...wherever he is.  I think he's happy, I think he's more than "passing time", I think he looks forward to our reunion day.  But we're both having to do with without each other until the day we'll never part again.

[Numb and Lost]

I wonder all the time if he can think about me now or if he looks forward to seeing me again one day. Its just so hard for me every single day to believe he is really gone. Just like that, here one day and gone the next with no warning, no time to say goodbye. 

[KMB]

Numb and Lost, It has been like that for many of us. Suddenly gone. No chance for last words, a hug, a kiss. It is, what it is. Acceptance is a huge part of the grieving. I didn't get get the chance with my husband either. But, in my heart, I know he is watching over me and I will see him again. We are just on different journeys for now. In this grieving, there is the minds tendency to overthink the situation. We have questions, but we have to accept that there will not be any answers. If there was a way to have answers, would we like what we hear? Would they console us or makes us feel more miserable? 

[fzald]

Another morning, another agony.

I found myself again wishing as I fell asleep last night that this could all just be a bad dream. That I could wake up tomorrow and it would be back in January, when she was alive and well. 

If i had the choice, I would wake up tomorrow, and it would be someday in earlier January. I would forget every single thing that has happened since then. She would be alive. I would be alive again too. I would have no memory of this horrible nightmare. She would survive like she was supposed to. She would be here to enjoy life. Every bit of pain and agony I have experienced would be forgotten. That is my wish.

Denial still seems to be my only coping method. Those times when I choose not to deny, I find myself so unbearably and inconsolably depressed that I can't Shane it. This has to be what drug withdrawal feels like. Only I almost think it's worse. The real "hit" I need is her back, and that is impossible, so I have to withdraw, and substitute "drugs" don't really help. 

Sometimes I still want to die, but it's not for the same reasons. It's not as much because I may be able to see her again. It's more that I can't take the pain. I would far far rather have my love back in this world. 

I still cannot fully accept that she is gone. Denial is now my bad influence friend. It lets me pretend I can somehow have her back. That she's not actually dead, or that I can reverse time to be with her again. It's a bad influence because it's not possible for either of those to happen. But I still wish for it. I still wish for the impossible. And someday I will have to face that truth. 

I still can't do things "in her honor" just yet. I am still too sad and lonely. Doing something "for her" just reminds me she's not here to see it or enjoy it. 

[Numb and Lost]

Fzald I know just what you mean about denial. I know it's true and I know he isn't coming back, and yet I keep trying to figure it out somehow. I don't know what I try to figure out but I look at his picture and it's like I try to understand it and I dont. I know that it is something that can't be understood and yet I still have this problem. It's like my mind tries to think of a solution to something that has no solution. My loss was at the end of Dec and I know yours was shortly after that. It must be the amount of time that has passed hasn't allowed us to get past the denial and to the acceptance. Maybe we will get there in time. Right now I don't feel like I will though. I got up and did some organzing and was okay for a bit and then I wanted to look at his picture so I just sat down looked at it and cried for a bit. 

KMB I believe I will see him again. It's just so upsetting because I don't know how long that might be. 

[fzald]

I tried looking at a video of her today. 

The problem I found is that, for a brief moment, I felt good. But it wasn't because I was having a "happy memory". It's because the video of her makes her feel still so real. Like I should be able to call her up and say "Hey, I watched that video where you and I..... remember that time?" And she would say "Yeah! I wanna see that again!"

Maybe this is why I avoid looking at too much stuff at this point. I feel like it enables more denial. Videos, pictures, conversations, etc. all are ways for me to feel like she's still here. I already have so much trouble with accepting that she is gone forever, and looking at these clear memories of her only seems to make it harder. I mean, SHE WAS ALIVE only a little over a month ago. I TALKED TO HER only like 6 weeks ago. I HELD HER 6 weeks ago. I KISSED HER then. She said I LOVE YOU then. She can't be gone. It still feels like it has to be a nightmare. Looking at video of her only made that feeling stronger. I'm watching and seeing and hearing her. So this is proof that she's still here...

Falling lower and lower guys, I really don't know how to go on.