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Girlfriend died at age 22. Totally devastated.


fzald

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fzald, Don't think about next week, the following weeks, months. Just cope with the current day. 6 months ago today, my husband and I were sitting at the kitchen table with a friend, having coffee and fun conversation. We all went outside for awhile. I can still picture my husband laughing and watching me while I retold the story to our friend of when, just a couple days ago when we went into town, that I had stopped the car in the road and got out to help a turtle across. It had been an enjoyable day. A normal evening and bedtime. My world as I knew it, disappeared in the early morning of the next day when I discovered my husband would never wake up again. There is no coming back 100% from this loss for me. My husband was my everything. The one I looked to for guidance, direction, support and love.

I couldn't even tell you what my functioning level is. It varies greatly at any given moment. I take care of the priorities, but my heart isn't there. There is no enthusiasm or purpose. I just go day by day. I have that *knowing* that eventually this existence will evolve to an easier path. I am still searching for that path that I can coexist with until the day I can be with my husband again.

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KMB,

Thanks again. I'm definitely trying to just go one day at a time. It's hard to do entirely, because I have long-term projects at work (many of which my girlfriend was also on with me) so we're having to have those very difficult conversations about who can fill in for her roles. I start getting teary-eyed every time it comes up. "Since she's not here anymore who wants to take on that role?" Breaks my heart every time. She's supposed to be here...

For me, even that knowledge that I may be with her again someday when I pass has brought little comfort. It did in the very beginning, when I was pretty much suicidal 24/7. That has started to subside a little, but now I just feel like even if I can see her again, I can't share this world. So much of our relationship was about shared experiences in this world. Places, events, concerts, trips, etc. We were very "experiential". For us, the experiences of things in this world were things to be shared, remembered, discussed. Maybe the next world will have experiences for us, but the fact that the rest of this life will be experiences I will have without her is so depressing it makes me just want to give up sometimes.

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You can do planning like taxes and school projects, but try not to think about what your LIFE will be like beyond today, it's too much right now, we're lucky to get through today.

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Yesterday marked 3 weeks that my girlfriend has been gone from this world. She was alive for 5 days in the hospital but unconscious, so tomorrow will mark 4 weeks to the day since she was last awake and alive, happily living her life, never even having a clue what was about to happen to her.

I have always said myself that I want my own death to be quick, painless, and unknown. I don't want a long drawn-out illness. i don't want months or years of agony just waiting to let some disease take me out so I can finally stop suffering. I don't want to have to say last words to everyone.

My girlfriend wanted the same. She told me that she had wanted her death to be quick and painless. But she most certainly did not want it to be this early in her life. People have come up to me to offer condolences and have given me those standard lines: "She's in a better place", "She found the way home", "God needed her on the other side." I just have to nod my head and say "yes" and hold back tears, because those words bring me absolutely no comfort. If I could ask my girlfriend today what she wanted? I can tell you exactly what she would say: she would want to be here. She would want to be alive. She would want to be sharing this world with me. It's of course true that she would say "the next best thing...would be for you to go on." But I am still grieving. I'm grieving not just for me, but as I've said before, for her. She didn't get what she wanted. I guess that's what they call survivor's guilt. I don't feel worthy of getting things I want anymore, because she didn't get a lot of what she wanted. 

As I've said, she was a very independent-minded person. She believed that a relationship was TWO PEOPLE working together. That whole "two souls combined to be one" wasn't her thing. She believed in choice. She believed she was her own person, and she could make choices, and one choice she made of her own free will was to be with me, to be my girlfriend, my love. She chose to love me. I chose to love her, too. And in so doing we did build something great together, but we were still two souls, connected in every way, but still two souls. But honestly, I do feel that we had become quite intertwined. Not so much to believe we were just "one soul", but enough that when she died, she ripped a part of my soul out with her. My spirit feels like it's with her, waiting for me to return to it. I have not been able to find even small joys in things. Even my friends have commented (but not complained) that my own quirks, funny things I do, jokes I tell, have not been there at all since she passed. They know why, and nobody is upset, but my friends are obviously missing the best parts of me that I showed to them. I feel like even though those things were me, they were driven by the fuel of our relationship. So much of me is missing right now that I don't even feel like myself anymore. I am still, as they say, trying to grab on to something in a big void of emptiness...

Rough day again. Tomorrow I have work off, so not sure what I'll be doing. Lately I've been reading and re-reading grief stuff, but even that's becoming repetitive. I'm desperate for some kind of relief, just some comfort and solace in this sea of agony which I can't seem to escape from...

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Fzald,

I feel your pain, and I am so sorry for you going through this, and her, she was far too young, and your time together wa far too brief.  Most of the time I don't feel worthy either.  Not worthy of having enjoyment, being happy, or even still being alive.  For me, Christine is gone, and the love she brought to all in her life makes my contribution seem shallow in comparison.

I am worthy though.  I know that is true, because that is what she thought.  She gave me her love and let me share her life. If that extraordinary woman thought I was worthy of that, I must be worth something.  Finding a way to be happy is still elusive for me though.

I have had moments I enjoy since her passing.  Bittersweet moments of remembering her smile, the little things she would do through the day, even moments of my own like sitting on our porch yesterday doing a crossword.

She used to love to sit out there with me and drink coffee, and I know if she has any consciousness of what is happening with me, seeing me there would make her happy.  If not, I can tell her about it if we are reunited.  But it still felt so lonely without her there to share it.

None of it can remove this agony of going on without her.  Only time can, and it won't remove it, but I hope it makes it bearable enough that I can find the happiness Christine would want me to.

I have tried doing somethings I used to enjoy that she wasn't really into, watching football, playing video games, and the such.  While I used to be passionate about things, I find now my drive is gone, and I no longer enjoy them, or even care.

How ironic that now I find so little relief from the things I used to do when we weren't sharing the experience, and the things that we  did share seem empty and hollow without her.  But I owe it to her to keep trying, and possibly those bittersweet moments will turn more sweet, and less bitter, as time moves me further down this tragic path.

This has changed us all.  Our friends will still like the people we are becoming.  While they don't know our pain, the have patience and compassion for us.  Don't worry about what they are thinking, worry about yourself.  That is what true friends want for us.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you, and that you get some rest, and comfort today.

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fzald, We are lost. We don't know who we are and why we are here. Losing our loved one changed everything. It changes how we see ourselves, it changes our perspective with all of life. We are in the midst of starting over from scratch. Figuring out who we are now, figuring out a life we can exist within. People lose loved ones every day. This planet keeps rotating, day turns into night, life keeps going forward. But, here we are, stuck. Stuck in a time warp. We want to go back to our life and that special person, but we can't. That person, that life, is somewhere else now.  I don't know what to do anymore than you do either. Than either of any of us here. Just keep taking it day by day and see where it leads us. Remembering every day that we were given the opportunity and time to find and love that special person.

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4 hours ago, Herc said:

I have had moments I enjoy since her passing.  Bittersweet moments of remembering her smile, the little things she would do through the day, even moments of my own like sitting on our porch yesterday doing a crossword.

She used to love to sit out there with me and drink coffee, and I know if she has any consciousness of what is happening with me, seeing me there would make her happy.  If not, I can tell her about it if we are reunited.  But it still felt so lonely without her there to share it.

None of it can remove this agony of going on without her.  Only time can, and it won't remove it, but I hope it makes it bearable enough that I can find the happiness Christine would want me to.

I have tried doing somethings I used to enjoy that she wasn't really into, watching football, playing video games, and the such.  While I used to be passionate about things, I find now my drive is gone, and I no longer enjoy them, or even care.

How ironic that now I find so little relief from the things I used to do when we weren't sharing the experience, and the things that we  did share seem empty and hollow without her.  But I owe it to her to keep trying, and possibly those bittersweet moments will turn more sweet, and less bitter, as time moves me further down this tragic path.

 

I completely share your feelings here, Herc. Like every couple, we sometimes had our bad moments, or even our "want to be alone" times. There are some things I used to do during those times, things that not necessarily kept my mind off of her, but kept me busy. If she was tired and wanted to nap instead of hang out, I would do some things on my own, things she was not into. Like you, I played videogames. Or I watched TV shows she didn't care for. I felt comfortable in myself, knowing that, like she so strongly believed, we are two people, who have a strong connection to each other. I had some passions outside of her, she had some passions outside of me. But it worked great. 

Now those same things that I used to do to keep myself busy are empty, meaningless, pointless. It's so strange to find myself not being interested in something that she was not interested in anyway, so it doesn't really have a "connection" for us. One theory I do have though is that, in death, we try so hard to keep them alive in some way to us, in spirit, something. So things that are not "her" tend to not help that along, so we avoid them. I dunno, maybe that's just a silly theory, but who knows.

I remember our best moments together and those thoughts can almost bring a smile to my face. Remembering just how much in love we were, and some of the moments and times we shared that really emphasized that. These moments have been my crutch since this started. I can sometimes think of a happy memory, and it lifts me up just a little. Other times, though, I remember that those memories are now my past, she's gone forever, and never again will I get to relive or even talk about those memories with her. 

One thing that's amazed me is just how much of a connection to the person we develop. My dad was becoming disabled as he aged. He started experiencing arthritis and some muscle issues, so he wasn't able to get around as well as he used to. But even though my mom and dad may have lost some of their future dreams, they still had each other. They still could talk and reminisce for hours about their memories together. Those memories were shared experiences that only the two of them truly could know the depth of. When my dad passed, my mom did say that one thing that was hard for her was no longer having him around to talk to. Even if they couldn't experience new things, or even relive old memories together, she still was content with him being here, so they could reminisce. 

That's how I feel now with my girl. In the hypothetical universe where she survived but her life had been permanently altered, I still would have found comfort. Even if we could never again re-experience some of the memories we had together, we would have always had those times to share as memories together, to talk about and remember together. I suppose it means that even if we had to grieve some losses, we'd be grieving together. But with her gone, I am alone with the memories. They are now mine, mine alone, and no matter how much I might write them down, post them online, tell all my friends, they're still only my memories. Nobody else experienced with her what I did. That, my dear friends, may just be one of the loneliest parts of this whole experience. 

 

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Today is 4 weeks to the day since my girlfriend was alive and well. Our last message was 8:48 AM on January 23rd.

Her family showed up at work today to claim all of her stuff. They also went by her place with a moving van. The memorial is taken down. The announcement on our website is being taken down today. The marks she left on the world are slowly disappearing. The absolute true reminders to me that she was real are going away. It's starting to feel even more like a distant memory.

Today, my grief really sets in. Today, the world truly goes back to normal for most everyone else. Today, I can no longer pretend. I can no longer imagine that it's a joke. I can no longer wish for anything from her. The denial is beginning to fade, and the true reality is setting in for real. She is gone. The world will cleanse itself of her presence. The world will roll forward. Someday she will be a distant memory for everyone. Except for me. To me she will live in my memory forever, forever young, and forever painful.

I am having a horrible day. I can't even cry, I just feel physical pain all over, I'm exhausted, I again don't want to live in this world. 

I can't do this.

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Fzald, I am so sorry for the pain you are having today.  It is a rough day to be sure.  I'm going through it today too.  Last night, I lost the peaceful place where I was able to find a few good moments of comfort this weekend.  I still have the moments, but the place I was in has been taken, and I will have to work to find another.  Reality is a heartless thing that doesn't take our pain into account.  I deserve those moments of comfort, and I will work to find them again.  It will be a long road, and the moments where I need that comfort the most are the moments I am least likely to be able to find it which is beyond unfair.  Today, I don't feel like putting in that effort.  

I know that these words will not help, but I don't believe your memories of her will be forever painful.  I have good memories, and they will come to me as I work my way through this.  I believe you will have those memories of your love as well, given time.  Don't try to think right now about the world rolling forward, it will do that on its own.

You may not be able to wish anything from her, but you have and always will have something precious, her love.  Do what you can to take care of yourself.  Drink water, rest if you are able, try to eat something.  Breathe, and take it one moment at a time.  Sometimes that is all we can do.

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It is hitting me very very hard tonight.

I am barely even able to articulate my thoughts here. I am completely drowning in my grief right now. 

My mind is finding a way to take just about ANYTHING and turn it into a reminder that she is gone. Things on TV. Even sounds outside. I am at a friends place and even she herself is reminding me of what I lost, not intentionally but just because she liked my girl and so there's a connection there.

Nothing is relieving my anguish right now. I can't think about anything, All I can do is feel sad and hopeless. I can't even talk much. Talking about good memories used to help, now it hurts even worse. Every breath is pain. My life is pain. My existence is pain. I am pain.

I want to sleep for the last time tonight. I wish today was my last day here. I wish the universe would just take mercy on me and let me slip away. 

It is far worse today than it was over the weekend. I am not coping at all. I am not OK. I am beyond sad. I am beyond lonely. I don't even know what I am. I'm barely existing. The pain is so real, even physical. I can't take it.

dont worry, I'm not going to hurt myself. But all I wish right now is that I could join her. That is all I want. She got taken, why can't I? The pain is unbearable. 

I don't know what to do.

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fzald, this is so sad to hear and i wish i could do something to help. i know you won't hurt yourself as you stated but we do worry because you sound so tormented, and we just want you to feel better someday. i am sorry

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fzald, I understand your pain. So sorry for what you are going through. You will get through this. Take it one minute at a time. Breathe. Cry as much as you need. Pour out your pain in any way you can. Talk to her. Prayer. Post here. Anything. Whatever need to do just do it. We are all here for you. My prayers are with you. Strength and love to you. 

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fzald,

I hope her family left you with SOMETHING of hers!  That is so hard to be as close as you two are and have someone else come in and make all the decisions.  It seems they would consult you more, after all, you are the person she would have spent her life with.  I'm sure her family will continue to miss her, I know if I lost one of my children or one of my sisters, I would be devastated.  You are right, she will live on in your heart and memories forever, but you will not always feel as much pain as you do today.  There will come a time when thoughts of her will bring you comfort and a smile.  I can't tell you when that will be, it will be much longer, but it will happen.

Ditto to everything Nads said.

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I do have a few items of hers, but nothing that I would say was particularly significant to her in recent times. Things I really would have liked, her phone, some of her clothes, things like that, those are all gone, with her family. I'm sure her family sees it as "our daughter, so we need it the most." They we're never particularly fond of me, they tolerated me to a point but her mom especially was a clingy person, who had built her life around her daughter. My girl confided things in me she couldn't confide in her family with. 

Her stuff is one thing. I don't think any of that would bring me comfort today. Each day now i fall further. What i thought was  rock bottom was just a step. It gets darker and darker. Feels more and more hopeless. I have been in bed all morning, I canceled work again today, and I can't even get physically comfortable. I am in absolute agony, the physical pain is very real and agonizing, I sometimes still shake and have little panic attacks. My logical side has known the truth since the day it happened, but my emotional side has been denying it. Now that denial is faultering, my emotional side is raw and exposed, and the truth is hitting it over and over and over. It's not a ton of bricks, it's each brick thrown at my heart in rapid succession, over and over,  never stopping, no relief, no mercy. Just absolute pain and suffering.

I know everyone says it'll get better. I hope you are right. But right now it is getting worse and worse. Every time I think I have hit rock bottom, it turns out there is an even deeper bottom. Each time I feel like I'm making even a tiny bit of progress, I crash down harder and further. It's barely been a month. Will I seriously be like this for the next few months, unable to function, having to cancel work all the time, living in emptiness?

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I am stuck in the past.

I just read through some of my own old Facebook and Twitter posts. Reviewing my life for the past four or five years. And I kept thinking "All of this happened when my girl was still alive and happy." Even though there was a lot of stuff that wasn't about her, in fact most of it wasn't directly about her, it sort of took me back to a time in life when I remember happiness. When for many reasons, she being only one reason, I actually was happy and enjoyed my life.

I saw the posts where I was thrilled to get my job. Where I discovered new restaurants (which I would later share with my girl). Where I was going with her to plays and concerts. Where my friends and I would have a good time together even without her. Such a full life I lived. She was part of that life. But I had an entire life. A complete happy life. One of purpose, future, meaning. One of love, affection, happiness, caring for everyone.

I think of times in my life in the last few years, even times that have nothing to do with her and do not include her. Thinking of my own past brings me a little smile, not only because of her, but because I used to be so happy myself. My life was so great. She was a big part of why. But so were a lot of other things. When she left, so much of me went with her that even the other reasons I had to be happy mean nothing now.

I miss more than her now. I miss me. I miss the life I had. I miss everything. I miss her more than anything, but she was a major representation of my life. She brought the color to my life. I'm learning how much she brought to me. Even when I wasn't with her; even when I was doing my own thing, she was there with me in a way. She was the music, the beauty, the love. And now with her gone forever, life is empty. The only happiness I know the past. The only love I know is what I lived and felt before that fateful day. 

I am so down today. This must be what chronic depression feels like. I know it's just grief, but it's worse than any physical torture. I would gladly accept any degree of physical pain if it meant I could have her back. I would donate any part of my body if it would bring her back. I would give everything I own, everything I have, and everything I would get in the future just for her. 

I miss her. I miss me. I miss everything. My life now exists as two periods, the before when everything was great and I couldnt have asked for more, and after, when nothing matters and I am only a shell.

Pure agony.

Pure pain.

 

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I am so sorry, fzald.  There is nothing in my past that I can go back to as a reference point for starting over. I was with my husband for 25 years. Prior to meeting him, I was getting out of an abusive first marriage. Prior to that, I was surviving my growing up years with an abusive mother. I found my *home*, where i belonged with my soulmate and now I am lost. I am being forced into an existence that I didn't ask for and having to figure everything out from scratch.

We had the *before* and now we are in the *after*, which is scary and dark. We have to work hard to find our way down this new path.

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My "past" is only comfortable because it was when she was here. 

Before her I had come off a really bad breakup. Before that relationship I had been in an emotionally abusive relationship. Before that I was in high school and all the problems that come with that. Being with my girl was the first time I truly felt my life was good. That pervaded my entire life, well beyond our direct interactions. Being with her opened ME up as well. It opened the shell I was living in. I experienced true happiness in everything I did because of her. 

Now I am back in the shell. 

I do things now because I have to. No happiness. No desires. Only absolute minimum need. I have never taken this much time off of work. I loved my job. Yeah partly because she was there but also because I just loved life. The challenges at work were exciting and drove me to work hard. Now those challenges repel me, make me want to turn away. I don't want to do anything. 

I am clinging to a past that will never happen again as it was. The only way I can bring any minimal relief is to relive in my mind happy times from the past. It doesn't always work. And even if it does it's temporary. Because I have to always come back to earth and the truth that she, and my great life, are all gone forever.

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fzald,

You are still very new in this...at this point in time I was a mess.  I have no idea how I survived, how I made it through work, I remember my feelings, if my family had known how bad off I was they would have been terrified for me.  I forced myself to do what I must for survival (going to work, eating, etc.) but it was hard.  My poor dog was grieving and it took my daughter pointing it out to me!  My brain was a fog.

But yes it got better, but no quick easy road, it was hard, my life has never been the same since that weekend, it was and remains the hardest thing I've ever gone through.  By far.  That you are doing it so young seems only all the more tragic.  I felt my being 52 was hard enough, we were supposed to grow old together, this isn't what we'd planned!

I console myself that at least I have loved and known love, many never have that their whole lives.  I know wherever he continues to exist, he still loves me and knows I love him.  I know I will be with him again.  I wait.  I try to enjoy what there is for now while I'm waiting...

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

fzald,

You are still very new in this...at this point in time I was a mess.  I have no idea how I survived, how I made it through work, I remember my feelings, if my family had known how bad off I was they would have been terrified for me.  I forced myself to do what I must for survival (going to work, eating, etc.) but it was hard.  My poor dog was grieving and it took my daughter pointing it out to me!  My brain was a fog.

But yes it got better, but no quick easy road, it was hard, my life has never been the same since that weekend, it was and remains the hardest thing I've ever gone through.  By far.  That you are doing it so young seems only all the more tragic.  I felt my being 52 was hard enough, we were supposed to grow old together, this isn't what we'd planned!

I console myself that at least I have loved and known love, many never have that their whole lives.  I know wherever he continues to exist, he still loves me and knows I love him.  I know I will be with him again.  I wait.  I try to enjoy what there is for now while I'm waiting...

I only meant to quote the last paragraph. I only highlighted that part. Maybe someday I'll get it right. Kayc, it is how I am trying to get through this journey. It's the waiting-----Have to fill in these days while waiting-----

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KayC,

Please don't take this wrong. You're almost 12 years into your grief and you still seem to struggle. This alone terrifies me, because you're right, I'm only 33 right now, and I expected to at least have 40+ more years with my love. Will I still be hurting in 12 years? That's terrifying. I know she can never come back. So now, if there was a way to just... Be OK, to just feel even a shred of true happiness again, in some way, somehow, but SOON, I'd go for it. 

I know there's no shortcut, but I also don't want to be sad and upset about this in 12 years. 

I also do know that I had the opportunity to love someone like her, someone so wonderful and genuine. But you're right, at my young age, it's all the harder. More time to wait. More life to live without her. More agony to endure. 

I'm at work today again. Going through the motions. Feeling nothing. Words come out of my mouth that I don't even feel like I'm connected to. Now that her work area is cleaned out, a further finality falls over me now. 

I can't take this.

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This whole experience is already making me think so differently about everything around me.

The biggest thing I can say I'm feeling though is futility. 

My girl was driven. She wanted to make the world a better place. She worked hard every day. She also found time to enjoy the world. She traveled, sometimes with me, sometimes with friends, sometimes with family, but she lived a lot. To her, the world was a beautiful place, full of opportunity, full of life, full of happiness and greatness. 

In the blink of an eye, she is gone forever from the world she loved.

Her death has brought me so close to the feeling that everything is really meaningless. We can all work hard, we can do amazing things in this world, we can build magnificent buildings and monuments, we can cook the most delicious foods, we can build the most amazing technology, we can do so many things that make us feel great in this world, but... in the end, we all die. And sadly, some of us die far too soon.

Over the weekend I was out shopping. I was looking at advertisements for foods. And I remember thinking "Yeah, uh huh, it's the best food you've tasted, but when you die you don't get to eat it anymore." I've been doing this a lot with things, people talk about building something great and I find myself thinking "Yeah but what's the point? All of us will die someday."

My girl did not get to experience so much of life that she wanted to. She's simply gone, gone from this world, never to return. And I'm stuck here. But I also know now, i've been forced to remember, that I am also going to die. That someday, I will also leave this world, and all of the awesome great things this world has to offer will be out of my reach as well. This realization is probably why I've lost sight of the beauty of life. What's the point of becoming attached to anything in this world when it can be quickly taken away without any warning, not just by others dying but by myself dying? 

It was quick and painless for her. She never saw it coming, she died happy. I will die sad, but also with anticipation. She had the advantage of never knowing the true feelings of grief and loss that I have and will have to experience. I find myself wishing that it had been me who passed, and that I would have simply gone on without knowing any differently. Even just the knowing, just the fact that this world is so indifferent to the happiness we can feel, is so saddening. 

 

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1 hour ago, fzald said:

..."Yeah but what's the point?" 

...Even just the knowing, just the fact that this world is so indifferent to the happiness we can feel, is so saddening. 

 

I agree completely that the world is indifferent to the happiness we feel, and that it is saddening, but I think that is precisely the point.  Look, the point of living is something man has contemplated for so long that we have had wars over how long we have been contemplating it.  If we manage to hash it out here, we can put a lot of philosophers out of work.  There are 39 major philosophies...that start with the letter "A".  Look it up, I counted.  I stopped counting there, the full list looked like something in the area of 500 or so major philosophies.  As of 2014, there are 4,200 different religions.  All those philosophers over all those centuries, all the religions, all the people that ascribe, or have at some point, to a particular religion or philosophy are looking for that answer.  Seriously, if we find it, we will be rich beyond our wildest dreams.  And in many ways, it wouldn't matter one iota to me.  The one person I would want to share it with, the only one who could know the true depth of my thoughts and feeling on the matter, the one who I most want comforted by the knowledge, is no longer here.  What a hollow and fruitless victory.

But perhaps that is the point.  What made my heart sing, what made me feel vibrant, alive, fulfilled, is no longer here.  But I got the chance to touch it, to feel the warp and weave of it, to share myself with it, and have it feel the same from me.  I've been feeling the futility.  I looked up my own mortality expectation.  How much more of this pain do I have to go through?  How many years facing this pale shadow of what life is supposed to be must I endure?  Based off an online calculator, I figure to live to around 79, 34 more years to go.  34 years of this loss seems insurmountable.  But even giving up the hope of reuniting in an afterlife, or finding a way through this suffering to a better emotional place here on this earth, I still have to put that time in.  The reason is simple.  For 5 more minutes with her, I would double it.  I would take 70 years of this pain, and more if needed, to see her one more time.  To tell her I loved her, and to hear those same words come from her lips.  If I say I am willing to double that, I have to be willing to give the time I have now for the time I already had with her.  She needs me to, for her daughter, for myself, and for her.  She is gone, she can't spread that energy that was unique to her any more.  And while I can't do exactly what she did, I owe it to her to keep the idea of her alive for as long as possible.

The indifference of the world is saddening, Christine would have agreed with you.  The world is horrible, and cruel, and unfair.  And the only chance we have of improving it, the only way to make it a little brighter, to bring a little hope to our fellow man, to help a stranger, to help someone stand again after they have fallen, is to be in it.  That was what Christine did every day of her life.  She gave of herself, to her child, to me, to her pets, to family, to friends, to coworkers, colleagues, acquaintances, and strangers.  The point as I see it is to make the connection with that one person that we have already had.  To allow that to change us and better us.  To allow our uniqueness to change them for the better.  And then to spread the way it made us better to others.  We have had the first part, which makes us more fortunate than many who search for it their whole lives and never find it.  To have found it and lost it is sad beyond belief.  But to have found that, and then not take advantage of the way it makes us better people?  That to me is worse.

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Herc, I thought I was the only one to look at the life expectancy calculators. I was given to the mid-70's. Fine by me at the age of 57 now. Those calculators all give a different age, based on many aspects of lifestyle. But, no, to be truthful, I can't fathom being here another 30+ years without my husband. that is too long of an overwhelming outlook. I'll just take it day by day.

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Day by day is great advice KMB.  I have probably been thinking too far into the future here recently.  It will be a rough 34 years, but she was more than worth it.  I wouldn't change a thing.  I managed to have my first good day at work since it happened today.  I brought a piece of her with me.  The pink stone on my profile is a piece of rose quartz in the shape of a heart that I gave her on one of our first dates.  It has been by her bedside everyday since.  It felt odd to move it, but having it sit in my shirt pocket all day, I felt a little closer to her somehow.  There are tears, even on the good days, and there is a lump in my throat all too often as well.  But today I was able to think of a story about her and smile without tearing up, so I will take it.  One day at a time.

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Hello to all

There are some very, very poignant posts on this thread.  We have lost the witness to our lives and everything that goes with that.  Where we would find simple pleasure we now find futility and where we found contentment we feel unease. Someone above said they found grief reading repetitive and I must say I feel the same at the moment.  It's like an addiction or compulsion - delaying the realisation of the fact that no matter what we do it doesn't work.  It is a nightmare but one we wake up to rather than from.  Take care everyone.

 

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Zara,

Your observations ring true for me too. The pain of grief, especially of a lost partner (lost child is right up there too) is stronger, more intense, more agonizing than just about any other kind of emotional pain imaginable. It's one of the worst possible experiences a human can endure. 

We're a fix-it society. When something in our world breaks, we get it fixed or we replace it. When the TV stops working, we call the cable company to have them figure out why. When our computers get slow, we buy new ones or bring them into get fixed. When our cars break down or malfunction we take them to the dealer. And when our bodies present us with discomfort, we go to a doctor. All of the above are our ways to keep order in our world, to keep everything running smoothly. But grief cannot be fixed. Nobody can do anything to truly make it better, because the effect is permanent. Even grieving, say, a breakup is somewhat easier because there's a real, physical possibility to reverse the situation, no matter how farfetched that possibility may be. In death, it is not possible to reverse or fix the situation. Death is the one absolute that we all must face someday. The fact that we can't fix grief makes us uneasy. 

It's true, I don't find pleasure in anything, even bigger prospects. I used to find pleasure in my day to day life. Lunch at the cafeteria with my girlfriend is a memory I cherish so deeply now, even though it was trivial and "everyday". Little things like bringing her breakfast from the snack bar are things that brought me so much pleasure when she was here. But beyond her, waking up in the morning was a pleasure, because another great day was ahead. The weather being warm was something to smile about. So many little things I loved about life, I now couldn't care less about. 

I don't know how long it will take me to start being OK. I wish it would be a short time, but I have to face the truth, that grief cannot be avoided or rushed. I also have to truly face the fact that my love is gone forever, never to return, no matter what I say or do. No amount of bargaining, offering, promising, anything will bring her back even for a second. 

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Herc, Carrying the rose quartz heart is sweet and also empowering. Rose quartz is considered a healing stone. We need all the help we can get.

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7 hours ago, fzald said:

You're almost 12 years into your grief and you still seem to struggle.

I'm not sure why you perceive me as struggling,  I am not struggling, but I do miss him every day.  He was the love of my life, my soulmate, I can't stop missing him as long as we're apart.  I do find the being without him to be hard at times.  I didn't plan on growing old alone, that part is hard.  But then it would have been hard if I hadn't even met him.

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I wonder something.

When my father passed, I took it hard, but nowhere near this hard. Not even a comparison. Sometimes I think it's because I had my girl here to help me get through it, and I also think it is because my dad and I had a different kind of relationship. We were definitely close but in a different way than my girlfriend and I were. 

But I think about how I have integrated his loss into my life. With my dad, I can do something and think about how he would have loved to see me do it. How he would have been so proud of me. I can see things in the store and think of how much he would have loved them. But thinking of my dad doesn't make me sad. Not even like bittersweet. I remember him fondly but it's as if I don't "miss" him.

Maybe the difference is that with my dad, it is more about wishing he could see me; with my girl it's more about wishing she was WITH me. My dad was not directly involved with my day to day dealings, but he was still a big part of my life. Right now the things I miss most about my girl are the day to day, the lunches, the time together, movies, all those everyday routines. But with my dad, I don't seem to miss much. I miss being able to talk to him but I don't ache and yearn.

The thing is I didn't yearn very hard even back shortly after it happened. I grieved well. I was sad, I cried, I missed him. But by two months later I was fully back on track. I maybe went down to 50% efficient for a couple weeks. Since my girlfriend was still there, we were still doing our thing. Maybe it's that my routine was less disrupted. 

But it's interesting to me, how I handled losing my father so much better than losing my girlfriend. Now i am a month into her loss and am stil maybe at 10% efficient, and no improvement in sight...

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I hope to be 12 years into my grief and still struggling.  We all have moments where we are fallible.  It was true before our loss, it is true after, and it will be true in the future.  If I am not struggling, I have either given up, or this loss no longer affects me.  Neither of those are acceptable solutions in my mind.

I don't want to put words in KayC's mouth, or presume to understand what more than a decade of hard fought wisdom has taught her.  But if I had to guess, I would say that experience has given her the strength to weather some of the storms of we have yet to face.  That hard work and effort in her grieving process have given her the tools needed to accept what we may still rail against, but maintain her steadfast love throughout the tribulations.  And that there are still moments which suprise her and test her incredible determination and resolve.  While she just said that she doesn't struggle, I think perhaps that she has learned when not to struggle might be more accurate.

I told KayC at one point that the prospect of 11 and 1/2 years of this was terrifying,  But after a bit of reflection it is nothing but inspiring.  I was and am grieving, and there is no wrong way to grieve, but in that instance I was wrong.  I isolated a number and drew a conclusion from it without viewing the context, depth, and effort around it, all of which was driven by this amazing person.  I bet KayC doesn't want, or expect an apology, but there it is, as best as I can articulate it.  I am sorry if anything I said hurt you, it probably didn't, and I know that you already know that was not my intent if it did.

Fzald, I am also sorry if anything I have said has offended you in any way.  Your grief is immense, and blindingly fresh, as is mine.  I feel as though I may have overstepped some boundaries, and that was once again not my intent.  We are travelers on this painful road joined by unhappy circumstance, and anything I can do to help you on your journey I will, just as I accept your experiences to help me on mine.  I hope you get some rest from the pain you are going through, and find comfort as soon as possible, even if it is only fleeting.

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Herc: No need to apologize, I and I'm sure everyone else respects all opinions here.

KayC: By "struggling" I meant more that you still have moments where it's hard, or as you said on some other posts, it took you many years to be able to even begin to enjoy some things again. Yes, my grief is "fresh". I'm only a month in. But at the same time, it feels like I've been grieving forever. Sometimes the fact that it was quite recent means I still can't fully believe it. Other times the absolute emptiness, the bleak darkness, consumes me, as I remember once again that never ever again will she be here in this world with me.

I have started to feel anger today. I know this is natural, so I'm trying to just ride the wave. My thoughts are along the lines of "WHY did you have to die? Why did you have to leave me alone in this world without you? Why did nature see fit to take your life for no good reason? What exactly did I do, what did YOU do, to deserve this???"

My life is completely empty and meaningless now. I try every day to find just the tiniest bit of meaning, and find that I fail. I eat because I have to. I do housework because I have to. I feel like a kid, being forced to do chores he doesn't want to do but if he doesn't he'll be punished. But the thing is I've already been punished. So maybe I feel more like the kid who did something terrible and is being punished by being given extra chores. 

I've said it before, but every day I fall a bit lower. 

I still can't believe it was only around 30 days ago that we were still together and happy and full of love and life. 

I still can't get over that she was only 22.

I still can't get over the fact that it's even possible to feel pain and anguish like this.

I don't know the answers, nobody does.

All I have left is a life not worth living, a life that exists just to wait out its time.

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They say denial is your hearts way of regulating how much pain you have to endure.

That must be what's happening to me tonight. Again I just feel numb. Not sad, not happy. Missing her but not so paralyzed that I can't stop shaking. Thinking of her but not on the brink of crying every second.

I know, though, that I'll have to crash again.

over and over. And again and again. It's like she has died a thousand times. It's like I have grieved a thousand times. It's like I have lived a thousand lifetimes without her. And yet it was only a month ago.

Its really a surreal experience.  

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Fzald

I hope you get through today with some calm.  Time is a strange commodity isn't it.  Everyday life seems like it's lived in our head and we can't break out, watching the real world from behind a cloudy glass screen.  All we can do is get to the other end of the day hopefully in one piece.  Take care.

 

 

 

 

 

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I am beginning to have regular dreams of her. For a while I had some pretty disturbing dreams (earlier in this thread) and then for a couple weeks I had nothing. But for the past two nights I have had dreams of her. Not particularly vivid, like a contact experience. But dreams nonetheless.

Last night, I dreamt of her twice. Both dreams had a similar theme. The first, out work group had a plan to meet for a project, but I couldn't find the place mentioned in the message. By the time I found it the meeting was already over and she had left. I asked one of the "stragglers" still behind where she was and they said they didn't know, so I text her and she responds that she's "on her way out." I ask her what she means and no response.

Second dream, she calls me on my phone. She tells me she is alive and well. I am at work at the time, I switch on speakerphone and tell her to say hello, she does and everyone at work cheers. I ask if she's coming back soon and she says "yeah, once I figure stuff out here." I ask her where she is and what's up...and immediately wake up. 

Dreams like this are so bittersweet. It's almost as if I can sort of reach her in my dreams, but not. She's just out of reach in both dreams. There is communication between me and her in the dreams but I have not seen her "in person" in a dream for a while. Bittersweet because I wake up and for a few minutes, I can almost believe my dream was real, until reality sets back in and slams me down hard. Just a dream. Only a dream...

Whenever I feel like I am making a little progress something like this pishes me back down... :-(

We have a major snowstorm here so work was cancelled, I'm staying home all day today. I may just spend the day in bed...

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Fzald,

I haven't had any dreams that weren't nightmares yet.  I can only imagine the crushing return of your loss after a dream like that, but take some comfort in the moments of happiness you had, even if it was a dream.  The up and down of this whole experience is brutal, particularly when the "ups" are valleys so low we would have been crushed had we felt them before our loss.  They are still high points compared to the lows though.  I know you feel like you are being pushed back down, but I do see progress.

You are having normal dreams of her.  You are finding your way to the understanding she is elsewhere, even if that understanding is only in your dreams.  You are looking for little progressions.  Small steps that will move you forward on this journey.  Even if you haven't yet found them, the fact that you are looking for them is a step in and of itself.  A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Unfortunately our journey is even longer.  Our journey is a lifetime, and the number of steps it will take is incomprehensibly frightening.  That is why we can't look at all of them.  Look only at the next one on our path, and when you are tired, rest.  I hope you find some comfort on your day off.  We are having unseasonably warm weather where I am, and I would love some snow.  Christine always thought snow was so beautiful, but she hated the cold.  A few days after she passed, we got a light dusting.  I took a picture of some holly leaves and berries for her, and later looked at it and describe it for her at her grave.  At least she no longer has to feel the cold.  Take peace in the fact that they have found peace, and that even if they can't see the beauty, which I think they can, we can continue on and experience it for them.

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fzlad, sometimes I'd rather not have such bittersweet dreams. Like my grandmother is lying in a coffin and talking to me. people are carrying her from place to place and it's confusing. It's not as if i don't know what's happening even inside the dream. It's like I know she's dead but she's still talking and it freaks me out. there might be a tiny bit of comfort hearing from her but then i wake up and it's just pain.
we packed lots of stuff so I hear some creaks and sounds and I hope it's her but I know it's probably not.

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When I wake from dreams like that I tend to lay there and just savor the feeling. I bask in the happiness the dream brought. It usually takes a few minutes, but it's then that the reality hits me all over again. 

I know the happiness of being able to "cancel" grief. We had broken up once for maybe 3 days. In those 3 days I grieved. I felt all of the despair and loneliness and hopelessness typical to a breakup. But after that short time we agreed to get back together. The feeling at the time was absolute euphoria, elation, happiness. Happy is a dull word to describe what I felt then. It was almost like a drug, finally getting another hit after starting withdrawal. No, it was better. The love flowed through me. It was even better than when we got together in the first place. It was pure, absolute euphoria. Anger and sadness became foreign. Just like how now, happiness is foreign...

Sometimes in my dreams, I feel this feeling a little, not to the same depth because it's not real life, but it's there. That feeling that everything is once again OK, she's back, she's here, and the nightmare was just that, a nightmare. That might be why I cling to that feeling when I have it. But in the end it's only a crutch, I must quickly realize it's just a fantasy, just a dream, and that my reality is never going to reflect that dream ever again.

It is kind of like a personal drug. I know logically that it's a fantasy and it'll never be real. Just like how most addicted people do know they're doing bad things to their bodies, but they keep doing it because of the feelings. Maybe I am addicted to the fantasy of her still being alive, because it feels sooooooo good even for a brief moment to imagine it...

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new133: In your dreams, what does your grandmother say to you? You see her in a coffin but she's alive? Or is it more like hearing her talk in your head?

I do believe in communication from the other side. I just don't believe my own dreams are that. I think my dreams are just my minds way of desperately trying to find any way to not feel the pain. One thing that is quite amazingly unique about us humans is we can react emotionally to thoughts alone. We cry at movies. We feel joy when people in books do. Stories of people we don't know, or even complete fiction, still evokes true, real emotions within us. So I suppose my mind is trying so hard to feel better that it's turning to what it knows, her and our love. But just like crying at the movies, when the show is over we come back to real life. And real life is full of negative emotions for me now. I could go to a movie and feel sad but afterwards feel happy again because of what my reality was. Now it's the opposite, my dreams make me feel happy but afterwards I feel sad all over again because of my sad reality.

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fzald I don't even remember. I should probably write down what happens when I wake up immediately. But I'm usually too saddened (or angry) by everything going on that I  try to go back to sleep so I can function the next day. Even so I wake up a lot and my heart is pounding.
Hm, I don't know if my dreams try to help me avoid my pain (sometimes they do) because as I've mentioned they can be super weird or violent. I don't even know why. The feeling that life 'sucks' is always in my mind whether I am awake or asleep. So it depends.. my dreams can be all over the place.
I don't know about the other side and that's what scares me. Death, the unknown has always scared me though. Aside from fear, it's the main thing I've obsessed over.

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23 hours ago, fzald said:

Sometimes in my dreams, I feel this feeling a little, not to the same depth because it's not real life, but it's there. That feeling that everything is once again OK, she's back, she's here, and the nightmare was just that, a nightmare.

I haven't had a dream like that.  It took me one or two years before I even had a dream about George, and that puzzled me because we were EVERYTHING to each other and totally part of each other's existence.  I didn't understand how I could go from everything to nothing!  I still don't dream about him much, I wish I could.

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I wonder myself sometimes if not dreaming of her would be better than having these kinds of dreams. She is starting to fill my dreams, every night, I have at least one dream of her, but a recurring theme now seems to be that she is out of reach somehow, that she is alive but I can't get to her. Either I can't find her or she doesn't get a chance to tell me where she is. In all of these dreams I am able to TALK to her, either by phone or text, but not SEE her and feel and hug her like I was able to in some of my earliest dreams of her right after it started...

Today, my beloved has been deceased for 4 weeks. The last time I spoke to her was nearly 5 weeks ago. 

Time is meaningless.

It may as well be 4 years ago that she passed today. It sometimes does feel that way. Other times it feels like we just talked yesterday. Time is all at once too slow and too fast. 

I still can't wake up in the morning without being in agony. Dreams or not, morning is when I again face the reality of her loss. Sometimes at night before sleep, I can find a calm. My sleep patterns are even starting to regulate again a little, i am sleeping for more like 3-4 hours at a time now instead of just 1-2. But I still wake up every morning and wish I could just go back to sleep, and I stil sometimes find myself disappointed that I am still here.

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I struggle with something.

As I've admitted, I've had suicidal thoughts as part of my grief. I don't think this is dangerous because I know myself well enough to know when I cross the line between thoughts and planning/intent. 

But one thing that's getting to me is this. Twice in my life now, both with my childhood friend and with my girlfriend, twice now people in my life who were previously suicidal found a way out of their deep dark pit only to die at extremely young ages shortly thereafter. Twice now, people who finally found their reasons to live were ruthlessly taken out of the world. Twice now, people who may have wanted not to live, but found the will and reason to live, ended up not living.

So I guess I ask myself: why pull yourself out of the well?

They both did. They both were rewarded with death.

Is all the effort worth it?

I have been a positive force in a lot of people's lives, but a lot of those people have been taken from the world. Aside from my girlfriend and my best childhood friend, I've lost my father, my grandparents, other family members, even some more casual friends, and in almost all of those cases to sudden death either from undetected medical causes or accidents. I have been shown, far too many times for my age, the futility of life, the fragility of it. I'm wondering what the point even is sometimes. Everyone dies. Some people die far too soon. They say "only the good die young". So...why am I still here, when many of the "good" people in my life, who I've connected with, do die young?

I'm just questioning a lot of things right now. I'm not interested in suicide, but I am not sure how I will ever pull myself out of the well. I've helped others and they passed away. Is there even a point?

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Would it be better if the two people you refer to were still suicidal when they died?  If they were still in that tortured mental state of not being able to find their own self worth?  If they had found no happiness or joy in their lives?

The reason I see for people to pull themselves out of the well of despair is because there is almost no chance of finding the point of life while they are there.  I hope that the point of life isn't to suffer for your entire time on this world.  I don't believe that life is a test, where we have to jump through some theoretical hoop to achieve a reward at the end.  I certainly don't believe that if it is a test, the answer is to be as miserable as possible for as long as possible.

Since that isn't the answer, we have the choice to be miserable or happy.  Happy isn't a word I can really attribute to myself at this point in time for obvious reasons.  I can however say that I am not miserable, because I choose not to be.  I see no benefit in it.  It doesn't help me, my daughter, my wife, or anyone else.  In fact it potentially hurts people.

That sort of negativity is contagious.  If people see it, they have to use part of their positive energy to fight off their own sources of misery and discomfort. The closer to me that people are, the more they are affected by my emotional state.  When they see me struggling with the horrible realities of this world and giving up, it reinforces in their minds that they should do the same.

I am the closest person to myself obviously.  For me, when I slip into that sort of negative thought pattern I lose all momentum I had.  It's like a car, stuck in the snow.  If you can keep the tires moving you won't get stuck.  If you come to a complete stop, it's time to grab a shovel and start digging yourself out again.

Does any of it matter in the end?  Who knows, and to a large degree, who cares.  Being miserable is, well, miserable.  Why would any rational person choose to be and stay in that state.

We all have every right to be depressed about the tragedies that have befallen us.  They are unfair, cruel, horrible events that none of us deserved.  The people we built our lives around, and indeed the people best suited to help us out of the depression we are in are gone.  Pulling ourselves out of that well is one of the most difficult things we will ever do, but it is precisely what our loved ones would want for us, so I am not planning on giving up on the hope of being happy any time soon.

Edited by Herc
Removed a section regarding suicide as I did not want to tear open any wounds on people who may have lost a love to suicide. I did save the section and if anyone really wants to see it, contact me and I will send it via site message.
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9 hours ago, fzald said:

So I guess I ask myself: why pull yourself out of the well?

They both did. They both were rewarded with death.

Is all the effort worth it?

Yes, the effort is worth it.  Because they died doesn't mean the same will happen to you.  Try not to worry about outcome...if you live and pull yourself out of it, that's good.  If you go get to be with her, you won't be looking back on your time here as a waste, you'll be happy.  So I look at it as a win/win by making effort.

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My love,

You have been gone for a month. Just a month. A tiny sliver of time in the grand scheme of things. But in that month, I have died a thousand times inside and I am still here.

I know you would want me to pick myself up and move forward. You would want me to chase the dreams we had together. You would still want me to experience all the things you wanted to show me yourself. I know that you would not want to deprive me of any of those things just because you can't be here.

I know you didn't want to die. I know you were loving your life. I know you wanted everything for yourself, for us. You had plans. We had plans. You spoke to me the last day you were awake as if nothing was wrong. Your passing came so suddenly. No warning, no preparation. One day you were alive. Suddenly you were in the hospital fighting for life, and only a short time later you lost that fight. You had no way to know it was coming. If you had you would have done a lot of things differently. 

So now here I am. Alone, so alone, so lost without you. So full of despair. I know you wouldn't want me to feel like this. But right now, it is what I feel. Right now, I am hurt. I am down. I am missing you more than I have ever missed anyone in my life. I still cannot even think ahead to tomorrow without freaking out. I still cannot imagine any way to find happiness in life like what you had brought to me.

Honey, I know I helped you through the darkest times of your life. But what you may not have realized is that you also helped me. You showed me a love I did not think I deserved. You opened up my heart to the possibility, the joy, the euphoria of love, trust, connection, bonding, sharing all of yourself with another person no matter how scary. You showed me how to love again. You got me through the worst times in my life until now.

Thank you so much for what you gave me. I only wish I could have kept on giving back to you for longer, for the years we planned and hoped for. I never articulated it to you in life, but you deserved everything I gave you and did for you. You deserved all the best of me. Sometimes I wasn't at my best, and you always pointed it out. You were never unfair. You were always able to point out when I was being unfair. You helped shape me into a better person.

Maybe someday I will be able to be truly happy again. Maybe someday I will think on you with fond memories. Maybe someday I will remember you with a smile and a warm feeling. But for now, I am hurting. I am sad. I miss you. I need you. I can't be happy yet. I can't be OK yet. Forgive me. I know you want me to be, but I can't yet. I can't be what you would have wanted yet. Please forgive me. I am so sorry.

i love you.

You will always be in my heart. I love you.

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fzald, Beautiful love letter. I write a letter to my husband every night. I pour my heart out to him. I tell him about the day. If I went anywhere, what i did or didn't do. Even if i just laid down most of the day, feeling sad and missing him. I tell him my fears and all of my feelings. For me, it is a way of feeling connected. It is therapeutic, a way of coping.

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Tonight I find myself thinking a lot. I would say the theme of my thoughts tonight is futility. I've talked about it before, but right now, I just feel like "what's the point" all over again.

"You can't take it with you."

So it feels like I will live an entire life, either pretending or maybe even finding a little happiness. But in the end, what I really want, what I think we all want, is that day that we will finally be back with the one we love. Of course, though, since you can't take it with you, anything we did in the meantime will become meaningless. Anything we accomplish here will not come with us to the other side. 

Maybe that's OK. Maybe once we're back with the ones we miss and love, we won't care. But for now, stuck in this mortal body, I  still find myself asking "why".

I have been slowly moving files around on my computer, anything that is specific to her is going in one place, so I can eventually either burn some discs or maybe throw it on an external drive if it's too big. But the thing is, all of the things I have of her - not just photos and the like, but letters, documents, project files, all the things she worked on and "touched", are all here. I can hold them forever as memories of her, as memories of the one time in my life I was truly happy. But I also know that the time with her is over. Forever? Maybe not. But on this planet, in this life? Yes. Anything I keep here of her, won't come with me when I reunite with her.

It's actually depressing.

And in some ways I still feel this is unreal. I still expect her to call me or text me sometimes. I still expect that she'll tell me it was a sick joke. I still wonder why she hasn't called, and I still want to send her messages to her phone before I remember she's never going to see them.

Rough evening again. 

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Fzald,

I am still so sorry for your loss.  Your letter to her is beautiful.  As for the pointless, remember we have no idea how all this works.  Scientifically we have enough knowledge to say simply "We don't know".

It is possible that if we are reunited in another dimension that you and your love could come back and view your life.  The laws of time and space probably don't apply there, or at least don't apply in the same way.  And even if what we do here doesn't matter there, there is still the here.

To be reunited with Christine I would do literally anything within my power.  But more than that, when I am reunited with her, I need to still be the man she loved.  And the man she loved was one who knew right from wrong.  One who would help those in need.  One who would not back down regardless of the odds if he believed in something.

That is the man I was, the man I am, and the man I will be, both for her and myself.  Further, what if we are wrong.  What if there is nothing else, and this life is all we get.  A painful thought to be sure, but something else that I must consider.  If that is the case, I am proud of who I was, who she was, and who we were together.  I will not throw away our legacy by failing now that she is gone.  If this is all there is, I can live with that too, but only if I live well.

Stay at it, not all the evenings will be rough.  Breathe, eat, rest, sleep, and trust that in the end it will be worth it.

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Herc,

You're right. I am not the man she loved right now. Like I said on the other thread, I am hurting now. I have been hurting non stop for a month. Do I have anger? Yes, but it's not at her, the universe, or anything. My anger is at the pain. Why must it hurt so much? Why must I be reduced to a mere tiny fraction of what I used to be? Why must I be tormented, knocked down so hard I can't get up? Why can't I find any strength to at least get through the day and take care of matters that need to be taken care of? Why can't I continue to be the man she loved and chose to be with

When I was going through a breakup, a great piece of advice I was given was that you have to bring yourself back to the man you were when you started dating the girl in question. If you want any hope of re-attracting a lost love who is still walking the earth, you have to get attractive again. But in my case, there is no hope of re-attracting my love. She's gone from this earth. Maybe that's why I can't find the strength.

I know I should focus on me for a while. I can't seem to even do that. All I do is think of her. I relive memories in my head. I sit on the couch and let the memories flow. And for a time, for a brief moment, I feel OK, but I know that it's only because I'm pretending, denying her death, pretending she's still here, waiting for that text from her. I'm even taken back to the week when she was physically alive but in a coma, where I had my phone on its loudest volume, just praying I'd hear her text alert tone, letting me know she was awake and was going to make it. I would have done anything at that point just to hear that lovely sound, read those lovely words. And sometimes when I remember our great times, I still feel like I'm going to get that message. Like I'm back to where I was a month ago before she passed. Bittersweet to be sure.

I have been shown, in one of the most intimate ways possible, the cruel finality of death. It has sapped the meaning of life away from me. I've said it before, but the same thoughts keep running through my head. What's the point of anything if we're all going to die? I can do things in my girl's honor, but eventually I too will die. What's the point?

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