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Girlfriend died at age 22. Totally devastated.


fzald

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Sleep has been elusive for me too. I go to bed at around 11 (I used to stay up late working or talking to her) and usually sleep for a couple hours at a time before waking up, checking the time and then tossing and turning a little before sleeping a little again. When I check the clock and see it's still early in the night, like say 1 AM, I feel relieved. No, I don't have to get up and face the cruel world just yet. I can stay sleeping longer. When I wake up and see I only have maybe an hour or so before I really have to be up, I find myself depressed, sad and lonely all over again.....

 

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Sleeping is an issue for many of us. Some people are able to do a lot of sleeping and the rest, like us, are on the other side of the pendulum. Grieving is an individual process but has many similarities. I hate this life, being left alone without the one person who was my everything. I was recently reading a grief blog by a woman who lost her husband over 6 years ago. She still refers to herself as the living dead. Just existing, waiting out this life. It is how I feel.

Hang in there fzald, all of us here need each other to keep us going.

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"Waiting out this life..."

That sums up how I've felt since I heard the news. My life lost all of its glow, she took my happy spirit with her when she left. I died a lot inside the day she died. I feel like I'm no longer here to live life and prosper, but just to wait and wait until my body gives up and I finally get to join her in the next life...

 

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fzald, I'm sorry that my words brought you down. I should be doing the opposite on this forum, and I usually do try my best at bringing comfort to others. I can't deny my own feelings. Every day that goes by, I feel worse and more alone without my husband. What has been keeping me going are the pets. They deserve the stability and care from me through the rest of their days here. They are on the elderly side and I know that down the road I will be dealing with their loss. i don't know where the strength will come from when their time comes. Another thing that keeps me going for now is my husband's end of life wishes. His estate will soon be finalized. I don't know how I am going to handle going in to sign those final papers. I really don't see anything happening in my future that could top the years I spent with my husband. There is nothing or no one that can override those years with my soul mate. I will get the rest of my affairs in order, my husband had me do up a will when he had his done. I can work on downsizing the clutter in the house. I can be of help to others on this forum and help the few people I know. I have plenty to do while *waiting out this life*. It will be daily anguish for me to carry on but I don't have a choice. All I know is that when I am reunited with my husband, I am never letting go of him.

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KMB, You have nothing to be sorry for. We all have pain, much of it similar, and it is a very, very tiny comfort knowing someone else actually understands these horrible feelings, even though I wish I could fix it for everyone.

There are certainly things for me to do here on this planet. Keep working. Keep my house in order. All those things, though, just feel meaningless. That's probably because to me, it almost feels like everything she wanted for herself ended up being meaningless. How can I find meaning in advancing my career, when she had the same drive to do so as I did and never got to? It's one of those things... it's obvious that nature doesn't care, things are going to happen as they do... so you feel futile. Why bother? Some of us can do amazing things to make the world a better place... but in the end we're all going to end up leaving someday. Sometimes, we'll leave too early, like she did. Sometimes we'll leave too late, like those who spend their last several years suffering pain from medical conditions. We will leave, though, and in the face of loss like this, it's easy to just think "What's the point?"

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fzald---I don't really know what the point of it all is either. I do know we were given this life for a reason. To leave our mark somewhere in history that we did exist here. To leave a legacy of love behind to give others hope. Our loved ones can no longer be here. I guess we continue on for them. Whatever your girl wanted from life, take over for her. Fulfill her dreams for her.The best way to honor someone we love is to live life for them. Easier said than done, I know. My own feelings flip flop so much. It is the grieving that does that. I know how I should be feeling, if I am to survive, but it all runs into that brick wall of defeat, despair, because I just need my husband.

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KMB

Your thread is spot on!  We must continue on for them and honor them in all we do. We still represent them and for me, I represent my husband proudly.    It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, and maybe a day to love them, but not even a lifetime will you forget them.    

2 hours ago, KMB said:

but it all runs into that brick wall of defeat, despair, because I just need my husband.

That brick wall of defeat will have to come down, (and we are all here to help you, brick by brick).  It has to come down because Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening.   No matter how hard death tries, it can’t separate the love you and your husband shared.  It can’t take away your memories either.  Is Death  the last sleep? - NO -  It's the final awakening to eternity. 

You know you're in my prayers.  Keep strong!

 

 

 

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I just had a little cry.

One of my girl's favorite songs was "If I Die Young" (The Band Perry)........

.......

How sad that she actually would die young.........

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fzald,

I'm sorry for you.   I can see how that affected you.  I think music in itself is healing and something we are all touched by; however, I haven't been able to listen to the music my husband and I loved - just too difficult now.   I tried, but my tsunami flowed.   Be strong, my prayers are with you.

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Music was a big part of our relationship, we had so many "our songs" that my son made a "wedding CD" for us with most of our songs on it.  Still to this day it's really hard for me to listen to them.  All of the love songs, they were us and it's so painful, I rarely listen to music anymore.  I'm on the praise team at church (lead music on Sundays) and community choir, but those aren't love songs so I can enjoy them.  I listened to his music in my early grief and cried, but I reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore.

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KayC, I know how you feel. My girlfriend loved music. She was an absolutely beautiful singer. I have a side hobby of recording and editing music and she wanted so badly to make some tracks of herself. Life and school kept getting in the way. Now I wish that we'd have made time to record....

I still find myself unable to truly face the finality. Other than when I pass on, I will never see her again. I will live an entire life without her. I will never again feel her soft touch, hear her comforting words, hear her beautiful laugh, see her beautiful face and body... Each morning I awake with the sick, empty feeling, the feeling of pure loneliness and emptiness, the feeling that nothing matters anymore. That if the world can go on without her, what good am I?

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5 hours ago, KayC said:

Music was a big part of our relationship, we had so many "our songs" that my son made a "wedding CD" for us with most of our songs on it.  Still to this day it's really hard for me to listen to them.  All of the love songs, they were us and it's so painful, I rarely listen to music anymore.  I'm on the praise team at church (lead music on Sundays) and community choir, but those aren't love songs so I can enjoy them.  I listened to his music in my early grief and cried, but I reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore.

I feel you. Like you, my husband and I loved "our" music and listened to "our" songs, sometimes singing along.  We had such good times doing that.  As much as I loved "our" music, without him, there's no sense in listening to "our" songs; no fun in it anymore; just pain and I don't want to pain.  I'm in the church's choir and have always liked upbeat songs; but some of the church songs are slow and heartbreaking and I find myself Praising the Lord and thinking of my husband at the same time - it makes me feel so emotionally overwhelmed and I cry.     

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Francine, I also avoid our music. I used to have music on when I was cooking, doing the dishes or cleaning. It enhanced my happiness and made chores more pleasurable.My husband would have music on in the garage while he or we were working on something. I don't do that, I can't do that anymore. Music is a surefire trigger that increases the pain of what can never be again. I hope we all survive our losses somehow in one piece. Bless us all.

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On 2/7/2017 at 8:29 PM, fzald said:

 

I never ever imagined that I would live through this pain. I knew that I would have to grieve some losses in life. Parents, grandparents, pets. But my girlfriend was so lively. She is the last person I could ever have expected to pass on, especially at her age. I used to think that I would pre-decease her, because she was younger than me. I used to be so certain of everything. Life was great. Everything made sense.

Nature, God, the spirits, whatever... They all seem indifferent to what we want. It feels like the thing I wanted least turned out to be what I was given. And also what she least wanted was given to her....

As much as I wish I could hold her and hug her for my own comfort, I wish I could do it for her as well. I wish she was here so I could reassure her that the life she wanted is still here. I wish I could give her life back to her not just for me but for her. I was going to do just that had she made it through the coma. I even dreamed of it and planned it all out to a T. 

That call where I learned of her fate will forever be a nightmare for the rest of my life.

Those were exactly my thoughts. We always joked about how I'd want my funeral when I die of old age and how I wanted to be decked out in pearls and a dress with large florals. I never ever thought this would happen. 

Our biggest fear happened to us. What we never wanted, was what we got. A deceased husband leaving behind a widow, and an innocent three year old little girl. We were inseparable. Near or far we always texted and messaged each other. She continues to ask about him every day and says how he's the greatest dad ever. During our relationship and marriage the love that we had was so true that we both felt so blessed to have it and you know what they say, too good to be true. Too good to last, even when we were prepared and knew were going to spend the rest of our lives together no matter what....it was taken from us beyond our control. 

I'm just so so sorry that such pain exist in this world for us. 

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7 hours ago, fzald said:

KayC, I know how you feel. My girlfriend loved music. She was an absolutely beautiful singer. I have a side hobby of recording and editing music and she wanted so badly to make some tracks of herself. Life and school kept getting in the way. Now I wish that we'd have made time to record....

I still find myself unable to truly face the finality. Other than when I pass on, I will never see her again. I will live an entire life without her. I will never again feel her soft touch, hear her comforting words, hear her beautiful laugh, see her beautiful face and body... Each morning I awake with the sick, empty feeling, the feeling of pure loneliness and emptiness, the feeling that nothing matters anymore. That if the world can go on without her, what good am I?

My husband was in a band called Youngdragonz band. He has videos on youtube. He was their bass player until he fell ill so any videos up until 2014 he was in them. I used to perform with him sometimes, singing. I'm not that great at it but I loved doing it because of him. Now, that he's gone, I don't ever want to be on stage again. It's a cruel world without him. 

It's every single time, I wake up from my sleep, I feel that reality that you're speaking of. No one understands when I say I'm not feeling too great. They'll still ask me like what's bothering me as if, I'm supposed to be a jolly soul by now. They don't know what it feels like to lose something so dear to me and my daughter. To see her struggle with the desire to have him home, kills me. He was our world and vice versa. The day I placed my hands on his chest to feel for his heart beat like I normally do whenever he returns home from going out or anything, there was nothing. Absolute silence. It was nothing but pitch black and silence in my world. That was how I wanted the entire universe to be at that time. I know it's selfish but it was like no matter how anyone is mourning his loss, I felt that there was still a glimpse of light in their life and mine was snuffed out completely.

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Too good to be true...

It feels like the universe has to balance everything. Like Newtons law. For every feeling we have that is of total elation, happiness, contentment and love, we must also feel pain, suffering, and agony. I was blissfully happy with my girlfriend. She was far from perfect, we certainly disagreed...and this actually made me feel even better. She was not fake, romance novel perfect. She was imperfect.......and I loved it.

I now must pay the price. I was too happy, too overjoyed. What goes up must come down. This grief is the same intensity as my happiness and love, but it's the opposite - pain, heartache, hopelessness, sadness.

My girlfriend had a rough life. She was bullied in school, and had a lot of self esteem issues early on. She told me on more than one occasion that my love for her, my obvious genuine concern for her brought something to her life, pulled her back from the canyon of depression. She had a lot of negative feelings growing up, and nature balanced that by bringing us together so I could offer her my love and compassion. She left the world happy. She was loving life. 

If I had a chance to erase the last 6 years of my life and do it all over, would I date her again? Absolutely. Without question. Not only was I happy, but so was she. I brought something to her life that nobody else could. I would never deny her that joy. 

 

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14 hours ago, Chasisdope said:

My husband was in a band called Youngdragonz band. He has videos on youtube. He was their bass player until he fell ill so any videos up until 2014 he was in them. I used to perform with him sometimes, singing.

I looked it up, very good!  

Music seems a surefire way to emotional connection.  I guess that's why it's so hard now, they aren't here and the emotion it evokes now is pain.

13 hours ago, fzald said:

She was imperfect.......and I loved it.

None of us are, but our relationship, our connection seemed perfect and he was the perfect one for me, imperfections and all, I love him.

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I feel infinitesimally better today. It was still a chore to wake up in the morning and face the day, but I'm here at work and actually got something done, unlike the other days I've been here where I just sit and stare at her desk and cry. 

I'm still as sad as ever. I'm still having a hard time accepting the finality of the situation, that she will never, ever again be here with me in the flesh in this lifetime. I still have found myself thinking about my own mortality and sometimes even wishing I could still join her. I find a little peace at night, but I think it's only because I know that for the next 8-10 hours I can shut down and not face the world. 

It has today been 3 weeks since I last saw my girlfriend in person, when she was still alive, happy and well, still gracing the world with her gifts. 

And I still don't know how to face the next 10, 20, 30, 50 years without her. I've barely made it to this point, and I'd argue my sanity is questionable if existent at all...

The wake was one week ago today, and the funeral was only 6 days ago, so I know it hasn't been very long. I am now fighting with myself - I want and need to grieve, but I also want and need to move forward somehow. The fact is that I want to move forward. I just don't know how to do it. I just don't know how to be OK, how to accept the loss, how to deal with this world without her.

I still get hit by the fact  that she was so young. It's easy for me to say this but I almost feel like it'd be the tiniest bit easier if she had been in her 60s, 50s even, because at least then we'd have had a full life together and would have accomplished and done many of the things we wanted. 22? That's just not fair. It's not fair to me or any of the other people she is survived by, but it's not fair to HER. What 22 year old, especially one who was happy, cheerful, helpful to everyone around her and loving her life, deserves to die suddenly?????

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Yes, my husband flaws worked out well with mine which made us perfect for each other despite the age difference. He was always the mature one thinking things through. He'll always tell me to grow up as I'm the childish one sometimes throwing fits because I don't get my way. Oh how I miss him. I hate that he is gone. I don't think I can ever be whole again until we meet again. I strongly feel that there is life after death and by the time we get there I hope that we'll realize how short this life is no matter how long it took me to get there. 

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I'm sorry

My love, I am so sorry. I am sorry you had to be taken from us. I am sorry that a life as amazing as yours, as full of energy and possibility as yours, was taken from the world. I am sorry, even though it's not my fault, because I love you. 

You were everything to me. You offered and gave me a relationship that I could never have imagined existed. Everything you did, you did with a kind heart. Even in my darkest moments, your love shone through and kept me afloat. Even when you were hurting, when the pain ran so deep for you that you didn't think you could take it, you were still giving me love. Even when I wasn't deserving of it at times, you gave me love. 

I'm sorry that you were taken from the world so young. I'm sorry that you will never get to experience all the things you so excitedly dreamed of. I'm sorry that you won't get to travel the world and see the places you wanted to. I'm sorry you won't be able to get that big, better job you were aiming for. I'm sorry you won't ever know the joy of your - our - wedding, raising a family, or growing old together here in this world. I'm sorry that you were taken from those you love most - not just me, but your family, your friends, and everyone around you whose lives you touched and brightened.

You were a true embodiment of happiness and love. You gave selflessly even when you were in pain. You were always the first to jump up and offer a helping hand to anyone in need. You gave even to those who didn't deserve it. You didn't deserve what you got. You didn't deserve to be taken away at such a young age. You didn't deserve to be yanked away so suddenly, so quickly. You deserved everything you ever wanted. Not this.

I weep for me and my loss, I weep for us, but most of all, my love, I weep for you. I weep for everything you will never get to experience here. I grieve the loss of your life, and what the world has lost because of your absence. I grieve for everyone around me - friends, family, co-workers - for all of us, the entire world, has lost a beautiful soul. 

Maybe you're watching down from above. Maybe you're trying to tell me, and everyone else, that it's OK. But I'm still sorry. Maybe someday I will reunite with you, in a better place, and maybe then I will understand. But for now, my love, I am sorry. Please know that I would never have wanted this for you. I wanted you to live. I wanted you to survive, to live on, to chase your dreams, to live life to the fullest. I wanted the world for you. I'm sorry I couldn't give it to you.

 

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Today has been possibly my worst day. I slept for 13 hours last night, have only been up for about 9 hours and am tired again.

I spent most of the day just sitting on my couch reading anything I could find online about grieving and loss, especially from sudden death. Nothing is making me feel any better at all. Even getting up and moving around a bit didn't help. I just keep thinking of her, and how she should be here with me this weekend, spending time together, not gone forever.

I don't know what to do to even start to feel better.

extremely bad day. 

How does anyone live through this????

My mom suggested I should write a book, a memoir, about our relationship. It might be a good idea. 

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29 minutes ago, fzald said:

How does anyone live through this????

Honestly, I don't know.  One day at a time.  It isn't easy.

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30 minutes ago, fzald said:

My mom suggested I should write a book, a memoir, about our relationship. It might be a good idea.

That might be a good way to put your energy, if you can do it.

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I wrote about this on another thread, but I'll also discuss it here on my own.

I looked into details on the specifics of how my girlfriend passed away. The thing that I discovered was that her condition, and what ultimately led to her death, are almost always caused by one of two things: a severe traumatic brain injury, something external (not what happened), or a hereditary condition in which there are weakened blood vessels in the brain. Additionally, those who do survive an event tend to be at very, very high risk for a second one, even with the medical team being aware of the condition and even if regular scans are conducted. The fact that it may not take much to cause the hemorrhage, something as simple as straining on the toilet, sneezing, high stress, or even sex, means she was likely a very high risk to begin with.

Strangely, this knowledge brings me just a tiny, tiny, tiny amount of comfort. Because it means that there need not be any guilt or anger. It doesn't matter what she did or didn't do. It sounds like, as sad and depressing as this may be, that this might just have been her destiny, even though she never knew it. I even found an article where a lady wrote about her fiance who survived one brain hemorrhage, only to die of a second one a few months later - and this was with regular scans and the medical team being fully aware it was possible.

If her condition was indeed hereditary, it sounds like there's not much that can be done. Weakened blood vessels are a really tough thing. If you're aware of aneurysms or specific areas in the brain with problems you can possibly fix those specific areas, but it's not like you can coat the entire brain's worth of blood vessels in some kind of protective material. Even if she had made it, she may have looked forward to a life of regular brain surgeries, or like the article I read, simply passing on a little bit later...

This brings me a little relief from anger towards her, and a little relief from guilt - it was obviously not her fault and nothing she did or didn't do would have changed this. However, I still do feel guilty that we didn't live more of life while she was alive. I wish I'd had the chance to actually marry her. I wish I'd had the chance to travel more places with her. I wish she'd been able to accomplish everything in life she wanted to. And above all, I still miss her, more than anything I've ever missed in my entire life. Even if I was told that she could come back but it'd only be for a month, a week, even a day, I'd give anything in a heartbeat for that chance, just to see her once more, to say everything I want to say to her, to hear her own words of guidance for me, to hear her say one more time how much she loves me and how much of a difference I made in her life...

Sometimes knowledge like this helps just a tiny bit, because you can release some of your pent up feelings. But it doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't mean you'll miss them any less, or yearn for them any less. And that's me right now. I'm not angry anymore. I'm feeling a little less guilty. But, I'm still sad, missing her like crazy, and wondering... Why was it so easy for her? Why did she get to just pass on to this wonderful place of happiness and no pain that we all hear about, while I must sit here in this world and suffer for who knows how long? She left this world doing something she loved to do. I don't love doing anything anymore. How am I supposed to live without her, even if I will see her again someday???

edit: I just spent an hour looking over my own journalling from the past few years. I wrote a lot about her. The weird thing is, reading my old entries almost makes me feel better, but I think it's for the wrong reason. Like, it feels like she's still here. Like this is just a horrible bad dream. I worry that doing too much of this is only going to firmly plant me in the past, in a world of longing and desperation. What do you guys do? Do you go through the memories vividly, or do you put it away for another day? I worry that I might be using our past as a crutch to avoid grieving...

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Life is made up of all of the little everyday things we make of it...having coffee together, cuddling, talking over our day, busyness, errands, classes, work, etc.  That everyday life she lived with you as her best friend is what she chose to comprise her life of...that is what was important to her.  You gave her the best of yourself.

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fzald, Reliving the past is part of the grieving. It is what we had with our loved ones. The only life we knew when they were here. Your girlfriend was here for a short time, but you learned from her all the wonderful things you speak of. You were in her life for a reason. She gave you the gift of herself before she left. Use that gift of your lessons from her to continue on. Carry her in your heart with all you do. Cherish her gift to you.

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I hate mornings.

Every night, I feel like I might be making a little progress. I feel just the tiniest bit more at peace. I of course still miss her and think of her all the time. But that pure wretched agony and pain subsides a little.

but then I wake up and all the agony is back, full force, in all its intensity, almost like I only found out yesterday instead of over two weeks ago.

The mornings are when I still just feel like giving up. When I ask myself what the point of life is. When I just want to go back to sleep forever, so I can be with her.

How do you do it??????

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fzald, I'm sorry. None of us have the answers. We are struggling along, blind, on this journey. I don't know how anyone does it except by breathing, taking it a second, a minute, an hour at a time. The hours turn into days. I'll be at the 6 month mark at the end of the week. This journey has not gotten easier. I cannot tell you how I have gotten this far, because I don't really know. I just have. Mornings are painful for me too. I hate getting up, the reality is right in my face. I struggle through the day. Night time is rough. My husband is not in our bed. I cannot find him anywhere except in my heart and memories. I am a lot older than you and I wish for a short life so I can be reunited with my husband. Anyone else would think I'm crazy, but I know everyone here understands. i don't know any other way to live my life except the life my husband I had together. Our 25 years is the life I knew and enjoyed. I can only continue on with those aspects of that life that still exist, sadly, without my husband. Yes, many times I have felt like giving up. There is a process to that also and not a pretty one. But, it is a sin and my husband would not want me to do that. He lived a very full life and would want the same for me. Somehow, I will survive.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

I am a lot older than you and I wish for a short life so I can be reunited with my husband. Anyone else would think I'm crazy, but I know everyone here understands. i don't know any other way to live my life except the life my husband I had together. Our 25 years is the life I knew and enjoyed.

KMB, I completely know this feeling well. Before my girlfriend died I used to think about dying from time to time and would find it scary. I would think "I don't want to die! Why must I die, even as an old person someday? Life is so good, I would never want to leave this behind!"

But now, with my love gone, life feels empty. It feels meaningless, not worth it. Sometimes I can honestly say I would welcome death. I no longer fear it. I no longer think about all I would leave behind and all I would miss out on if I died tomorrow. If a criminal held a gun to my head and demanded I do what he says or he will shoot, I'd probably just let him shoot. My girlfriend loved life as much as I did and she had her life taken from her so suddenly and so young. I find myself wondering why I can't just slip away in my sleep or just leave the world quickly and suddenly like she did. 

Its quite humbling how this experience can change ones entire perspective. Me, someone who loved life as much as my girl did, now can't even see the point of waking up in the morning. Me, someone who would have fought tooth and nail to survive only a few weeks ago would now welcome death if the opportunity presented itself. 

And yet I still think about all the great things I have experienced in my life. I want to keep sharing those things with her. I can't. Even if she is waiting for me, what about the life I must now live that I want her to share in????

My anger with my girlfriend is no longer related to her leaving. It's now more like "why does she get to just float away to the land of happiness and love while I must stay here and waste away, waiting out a life without her?"

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fzald,---life is meaningless for me also. It is not the right attitude, of course, if we are to see ourselves climbing out this pit of devastation. I'm hoping my husband somehow shows me the way to a life that I can adjust to and live for him. This is hard work and our efforts have to be constant and vigilant.I am one of those compassionate souls that when driving down the road and I see a dead animal, I say a prayer and tell it's spirit to move towards the white light and someone will be there for guidance. I'm the one who many years ago pissed off a lot of people by stopping in the middle of a busy highway to stop traffic and allow a mama badger and her babies cross the road safely. I appreciated the value of life.

My thinking is all scewed now. I am still a compassionate person but I don't value myself because of my personal loss. My other half is gone. I feel as though I am only half existing. If I found out I had a terminal illness, I would probably choose not to fight it. I am actually jealous that my husband is in a place of no suffering, filled with peace and love, no burdens from this earth life.

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KMB,

I can really understand how you are feeling.  It will get better, I know you can't see that now.  I understand your wanting to go be with him, I think we all would rather...

 

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Thank you, KayC. I don't like sounding negative either. The mind is all scrambled, no normal, logical perspective right now.This process is going to take a lot of hard work.

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I know that my girl would not have liked negative thoughts. She had some depression in the past and often felt that she wasn't worth much. I know that I was a major part of helping her move past that and realize her true potential and meaning.

But she would also have chosen to live. Given even a partial say in the matter, she would have chosen to live and keep on living. She may have been depressed, even suicidal, at one time, but at this time she was finally happy, living her life and enjoying it. 

There is a horribly sad irony in this for me. She finally learned to love life, and then it was taken from her. She may have welcomed this outcome in the past. Now, when she wanted exactly the opposite, it's what she was given.......

Rough day. At work again. Not focusing well on anything again. Just missing her and also feeling the tragedy of her loss. This is something that is supposed to happen in movies and books. Not in real life.

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2 minutes ago, fzald said:

There is a horribly sad irony in this for me. She finally learned to love life, and then it was taken from her.

It was taken from her, but only life as we know it.  Perhaps the life beyond is something far more expansive, it's hard for us to comprehend because this is all we've ever known.

You were an integral part of her life, part of her development, coming to terms with things within herself...now perhaps she can do the same for you...it's hard to explain in words, but my George is still helping me.

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Being at work sucks too.

I have sat here for the past 10 minutes just remembering little things that I miss. I miss bringing her breakfast from the snack bar. I miss her calling and asking for those little favors (can you shut down my computer? I forgot this at the office, can you bring it to me? etc) I miss being there for her. I miss her thinking of me and calling me to ask if I wanted her to bring me some lunch. I miss her sincere thank yous when I would do something she needed. I miss her smile. I miss her telling me how much I meant to her. I miss telling her how much she meant to me. I just miss everything.

It's times like this that even the thought that she's alive and well in the afterworld doesn't help. I loved how we were here. I loved how we looked out for each other. But I miss more looking out for her than her looking out for me. I miss just that feeling of... purpose? Happiness? Not even sure what word to use, but the feeling that I got when I did something nice for her and she appreciated it. I knew I was making her life happy, even if it was something little and seemingly insignificant. I miss that so much.

I'm not sure how to get through today.

Edit: Here's what I don't get. I know she's gone. I know on a logical level that she will never again be present here in this world, with the possible exception of some kind of spiritual sign. But why do I still find I feel like she's still here? Like I feel like this far into it I should be able to stop fantasizing that she'll walk in the door or that she'll call me. It feels like I'm making no progress and am just clinging to a past that will never again be the present. It is so hard...

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Fzald,

I can relate so much.  I know he's gone in my logical head, but my logical head feels detached from the rest of me and my feelings.  I can't believe that I'll never see him walking through that front door, ever again.  How can that be?  I haven't sat in my living room since he passed.  I just look at that blue chair that he thought was so comfy and always fell asleep in while we were watching TV.  I finally sat on the arm of the chair the other day and just cried.  Not a lot of time has passed yet.  We need to be gentle and patient with ourselves.  We are making progress, each day, even though it doesn't feel like it.  The past will never be the present.  I too miss so many things that will never again be.  I think we need to just get through this grief, somehow, and on the other side we will live a happy life once again, but it will be different.  I look at pictures of us, and I have the biggest smile on my face.  I was so happy no matter what we were doing together.  Will I ever smile like that again?  Will I ever be that happy again?  I want to believe I will be so badly.  I have to have faith.  I know he would want me to be happy again.  I just need to learn how to be happy with him not physically here, but he will always be in my heart and soul and I have to believe that will pull me through.

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Also guys, I did have another dream of her last night. It wasn't long, and I actually don't remember every detail clearly. But I do remember that in the dream, she was crying and hugging me. 

She was scared of something. She couldn't tell me what. But she kept saying over and over "I don't know, I don't know" and crying, and holding onto me for dear life. 

We were out in public, in what I think was a store, near the back, kind of out of the way of a lot of people. I would try to ask her "what's wrong? What don't you know?" And she just kept crying.

And of course in the dream I cried too. I held her as tightly as she did and told her that I would make everything OK. 

I was having a lot of dreams right after the funeral in which she would appear in some familiar or unfamiliar place and wonder why everyone thought she was dead. She would be bewildered and even angry at "whoever started that rumor". In each of those dreams I was there, hugging and clinging to her, while she would laugh and say "I'm here! I'm ok!"

My friend, who is quite spiritual, thinks that these dreams are somehow connected. That initially, she was confused herself about her own death, not believing she was actually gone, especially because it was so sudden and even she had no clue it was coming. Now, my friend thinks, she is afraid to go on. She can't stay stuck between worlds forever, but she is afraid of leaving this world behind. Symbolically, her hugging and clinging to me may be her way of saying she doesn't want to leave me behind either...

I never was too into believing that dreams were communications from spirits, but I do have to say that this interpretation makes sense. If it is actually true, then it means she is letting me know that she loves me and is just as sad and scared to leave me behind in this world as I am to be in this world without her. Maybe, just maybe, there actually is another world where we all reunite and spend our days together, happy, forever... I only wish I didn't have to wait so long to be in that world with her, where I belong, where we belong together... I also wish I didn't have to live this life without her, not being able to share anything with her, not being able to keep sharing those things we already shared so closely ever again...

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I get that it's only been less than 3 weeks since my beloved passed.

but I still don't feel I'm coping or dealing well at all.

I still find myself in a state of denial, even though I know absolutely that she is never coming back. Part of me still thinks she's just away. I think, right now it's 11:15 PM, she's probably putting on her super cute pajamas that I liked cuddling her in, and getting ready to curl up with her book for a while. I think, tomorrow morning she'll be up at 7, brushing her teeth and getting ready for the day. In an alternate universe where she is still with me, that's almost certainly what is happening.

I just can't seem to wholly take in that she's gone forever. It's actually a little maddening. I feel like I'm stuck and not even taking baby steps, but rather am only as ok as I am because of these false beliefs or notions. 

Here comes another night of restless sleep followed by an agonizing morning... where I again must face all over again the sad harsh reality. And I can bet that by tomorrow evening I'll still be in disbelief.

All I really want now is some progress. Some glimmer of hope from within that I will be OK without her. Something from within to show me that I won't be pining and yearning  for her forever, living out my sad existence in a state of fantasy and magical wishful thinking...

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20 hours ago, fzald said:

But why do I still find I feel like she's still here? Like I feel like this far into it I should be able to stop fantasizing that she'll walk in the door or that she'll call me. It feels like I'm making no progress and am just clinging to a past that will never again be the present. It is so hard...

Because this is so damn hard to process.  It takes a long time to sink in.  It's why you expect her to walk in the door or it to be her when the phone rings.  After a time this too will fade away. 

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Even though I wasn't present when she collapsed, and also not when she actually passed, my mind has been fabricating the sequence of events based on what I was told, and then replaying it over and over all day.

She was alive. She called me. She spoke to me. Only a couple hours later she was passed out, never to awaken again. 

Asking "why" is pointless. Even if I were given a video of her last minutes of being awake, even if I had been in the hospital when she passed, I'd still be in the same state I am today. 

If I count from the last day she was awake, I'm only 3 weeks 3 days into this horrible life. But it feels like I've already lived a thousand lonely lives, I almost feel like I don't belong here. Like I feel like I've aged so much in the past 3 weeks that by now I should be about to pass on too. I still wake up disappointed. It's not as much crying anymore, it's just absolute anguish. Crying would almost feel better, but I can't really cry anymore. All I do now is feel that tightness in my stomach. I still find myself calling out to her in my darkest moments begging her to take me with. 

I just don't know how I'll ever make any progress.

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Tomorrow will mark 4 weeks to the day from the time I last saw her alive and well in person.

The weird thing is that we had been apart longer than this in the past. In fact, at one point early in our relationship, we actually were out of contact for almost 6 weeks. Long story, but the really short version is that we were taking a sort of "break", but without actually breaking up. She went to spend time with friends and work a summer internship and I did the same. We maybe texted a total of four times during those six weeks. It was really hard, but in the end it brought us way closer. That was almost 4 years ago.

Maybe that's why now it still sometimes just feels like she's away and she's coming back. It's not like I haven't been without her for this much time before. It sucked, but at the time it definitely re-affirmed our feelings for each other. From that point forward we learned to work through our differences together, and especially in 2016 we were doing so good at it. Fights we had were quickly dissipated, and most of the time it was simply because one of us was under stress from something external. After a little heart-to-heart we would always discover we weren't actually mad at each other, we'd hug, kiss and all would be OK. And the makeup sex.......

I'm reaching a point where I just want relief. I want to be OK again. Not even happy, but I'd settle for "not upset all the time" right now. I'd settle for "able to deal with this" right now. Being depressed at work and thinking about her constantly is actually exhausting. I'm just so worn out right now. I might leave work early and take a nap. 

I'm effectively a month in. A bit less maybe, but in my mind, she was gone the day she passed out. That would be the last day she was alive and speaking to me...

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fzald, I don't know what to say to help you. I can't even help myself. Grieving is exhausting, emotionally and mentally. Physically also for those of us with sleep issues. We have to think positively that it will get easier. It will by our own hard work and millions of tears. I've had losses of people, pets, in my life, challenges and obstacles. This is by far the worst. If I have to make my way through this in order to be reunited with my husband someday, it will be worth it.

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fzald,

I remember feeling exactly that way too...and now all this time has passed, and I don't even know how.  It's hard waiting for "time" because we can't make it move faster or slower, we have no control over it, but it's the one thing we can count on...it passes.

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A good friend of mine at work spent over an hour talking to me about her, asking me questions, asking me to tell my story.

I have to say, it was kind of therapeutic. For a little while, I felt OK. Not happy, but OK. My friend said our relationship sounded wonderful. 

I find that talking about her does help. Remembering positive things does help.

The problem is it's only temporary. Eventually, usually sooner rather than later, I come back down. I come crashing down hard. I remember that even though I have so many happy and good memories of her, those memories are now all I have of her, other than photos and the like. I think of the good times, but then immediately wish that there had been so many more.

It's a roller coaster. I want to get off. It's not a thrill anymore. It's torture. I want to get off.

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This is so sad to read. I am sorry you lost your girlfriend, she was so young. I wish I knew what happens when we die. I can't help but feel empty since my grandmother passed. The person who mattered the most is just "gone". That is very hard to get "used to."
It looks like she was your whole life. I understand why people say it takes months or even a year to feel different. I hope you can make it somehow and find meaning out of life. I want to be able to do the same. The world does indeed seem unstable, though. I often ask myself why I would feel surprised anymore. It just leads to numbness.
If you want to talk about how you feel free to send a message. I am not always good at chatting, but I am definitely open to listening to anything you have to say.


 

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Fzald,

I don't have answers, of course.  As you have seen no one truly does.  I have the same crashes into despair you are going through.  I can only share what I am experiencing.

I have moved a lot in my life.  I've lived in 27 different houses or apartments, in 17 separate cities, in 8 different states.  As a result, I got lost a lot, and dealt with unfamiliar surroundings trying to find my way home.  Right now that is how I feel.

I feel like I am lost in an unfamiliar city, trying desperately to trace back my steps to a house that isn't even my home, but is where I need to get back to.  Eventually we will find our way.  We will see something familiar that leads us back.

I have no idea which way is north on these horribly twisted streets of grief.  Even when I do find something that seems familiar, I turn a corner and run into a new alley filled with the unknown.  But now and then I put some things together.  The moments between the confusion last a bit longer.  I turn a corner and see two street signs that match up.

I don't want to be in this new house, my love isn't there so it can't be my home.  But I will find it eventually, and at least slip out of the desperation and uncertainty of being lost the way I am now.

Once I get to that house, I will see if I can make it a home.  In the meantime, I'll keep retracing my steps until I find it.  I won't give up, because she would want me to find my way.

You are already finding your north.  You said talking about her helps.  You are already matching up those sign posts.  Keep remembering the positive.  Eventually you will get there, and in the meantime at least we are wandering these streets together.

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It doesn't seem like it can be that only 4 weeks ago today i saw my girlfriend in person, hugged her, kissed her and said goodbye as she left work, for the last time, never to return.

Its actually not even been 3 weeks since she actually passed. 

I feel like I've lived a thousand lives in that time. Time used to fly by for me. "It's already 2017? It feels like yesterday it was turning 2016!" Now, every day feels like a year. It feels like I have been grieving for years and should be further along. Mornings are still complete agony. Thinking and talking about her helps a tiny bit but in the end I must again realize all over again that she is never coming back. It isn't a fight that we need to take a little break from and regroup. It isn't her being away on a trip with a specific return date to look forward to. It's over.

Everything reminds me of her. Even the most trivial things. Oh look, there's the lamppost we stood by talking one night. That's the vending machine she bought me chips from. That couch is where we sat the one evening she just wanted to talk just because.

I dont know if I can do it... 

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fzald, It certainly feels surreal, doesn't it? When my husband passed, I did my fair share of *pretending*. Due to being hospitalized many times, I pretended for a few days that was where my husband was at.  A specialized hospital far away where he was undergoing many tests and going to be fixed up. Why hasn't he called me? Why hasn't the nursing staff or doctor called to update me? Why am I being restricted on visiting him? After answering my own logical questions, I fell apart, all over again. I couldn't make the daily trip to spend time with him in the hospital. I couldn't bring him his paper and magazines from the mail. I couldn't sneak him the bite size candy bars he loved. I couldn't look forward to the day I could bring him home. Nothing I could do. He wasn't coming home, not like many times before where I could care for him. But, he is home in a sense. I brought his ashes home. The last part of him I get to keep.

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KMB,

You're right, it feels very surreal. I know exactly how she died from a scientific and medical perspective. I know exactly why she's not here anymore from a factual standpoint. But it still feels wrong on some other level that I can't really describe. It feels like it shouldn't be possible for this to happen, even though it very obviously is possible. 

When my friend died of cancer many years ago, he had been sick for over a year prior to passing. Everyone, his family, his wife, his friends... they all watched him slowly, slowly succomb to the cancer. Doctors tried everything to save him, even amputating a leg, and in the end he still passed, but the fact is, we had an entire year to prepare for the possibility emotionally. We all had those "last conversations" with him. He slowly but surely accepted the fact that his death was a very distinct possibility in the near future. He got to tell all of us what he wished for us and what his own wishes were. He got to meet someone - I can't remember who now - but through that make-a-wish foundation that can help terminally ill people meet famous people they look up to. It most certainly was not a "good death", he experienced a lot of pain, suffering and agony, and in some ways, it was almost a relief when he passed, because we all had seen him fight tooth and nail to the death. 

In one of the last conversations he had with me, he told me that he realized that the only way he may be able to "beat his cancer" is to let the cancer take him out, because once he's gone, the cancer has no host to thrive in. It was very much like the guy who sacrifices his life in order to take out the enemy. I remember crying so hard when he told me this, but he had said to me "Please don't cry. I want it this way. I don't want to die, but I will beat this thing even if it means having to give my life to do it."

With my girlfriend, none of that happened. There was no warning, no time to say anything, nothing. I saw her in person here at work. She was doing her job. Only 4 weeks ago, she was sitting at the desk next to me, working hard, getting things done. At the end of the day we went into the lounge as we often did just to hang out or talk, and when it was time for her to go she gave me a hug and a kiss, and I told her I'd miss her while she was gone, and she laughed cutely and said "I'll only be gone for a week!" She left the room, and at the same time, out of my life forever. It makes no sense. Even though I know exactly what happened, it just doesn't make sense that it's even possible for someone, especially her age, to basically just drop dead. Sudden death is something that happens to elderly people, comfortable in their beds, after having lived a long, fulfilling, full life, after having raised a family, passed on their gifts to a new generation, and experienced everything the world has to offer. Sudden death shouldn't happen  to someone only 22 years old, just starting their life, looking forward to so many things. It's not right.

Sorry for rambling, but I just don't know how I'm going to deal with this. Like I said, it's only been basically 3 weeks, and I already feel like it's been an eternity. I am functioning at maybe 10% of my usual ability. I can't even imagine living this way for one more week, let alone another couple of months. 

Today, I tried to start looking at some of the YouTube channels and news pages that I used to follow regularly. I'm finding that I still keep thinking "oh, I have to tell her about this one/discuss this one with her........." It's agonizing. I hate this. I didn't just lose a girlfriend. I lost my absolute best and closest friend ever. I lost my soulmate. 

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