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fzald

Girlfriend died at age 22. Totally devastated.

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In some ways I feel like I'm going to be writing a story similar to a lot of other ones on here, but I still want to write it.

My girlfriend and I started dating in late 2011, she was still under 18 but we agreed to not get intimate until after she was of age. But we did talk a lot, flirt, hang out, and do things together.

Over the five years I dated her, our relationship blossomed. We had ups and downs and even almost broke up a couple of times, but we grew stronger through the bad times and even more connected and devoted to each other. We had finally reached the point of discussing marriage and living together and our long term plans for ourselves.

Last Monday, my girlfriend was out of town with family and had a sudden dizzy spell. She passed out and went right into a coma. She was rushed to the hospital as fast as was possible. It was discovered she'd had a brain hemorrhage. She remained in the coma until Saturday evening, when she passed away. She never woke up.

I have been on the roller coaster of grief since then. I think of good memories and smile, but then immediately break down and cry remembering she's gone. I try to do my daily work and tasks and find I just can't concentrate or function. (It does not help that her and I worked together, so her absence is felt so strongly at work) 

Today I had what I can only describe as a panic attack. I went into our lounge at work, closed the door, sat on the couch and immediately curled into the fetal position, shaking and trembling and with severe stomach cramps. I stayed this way for a good 20 minutes. Deep breaths didn't help much. I wasn't even really thinking too deeply of her during this episode, but more of myself: the uncertainty of my future. Afterwards I was exhausted and actually fell asleep on the couch for a bit. I remember thinking in the midst of the attack that I just wish she would come and get me. I even remember whispering out to her, saying "please take me with you, please take the pain away from me and bring us back together". 

I also have done a lot of reading on grief and I see people say it can take months or even years to grieve. This alone scares me, because I am feeling like I will be in this horrible turmoil for the next year or more, and I don't know how I'll be able to make it through. I can barely function on my job as it stands, and I know it's still very fresh and it's only been four days since her passing, but I'm scared of what I will become in this condition. 

Our lives were very connected. We worked together, we spent much of our free time together, and we were always in contact. We were inseparable in many ways. She was my soulmate, a part of me that has left the largest gaping hole I've ever felt in my heart by her passing. I've dealt with grief before - the loss of two of my pets, the loss of a very close friend to cancer (at a young age), a breakup with a girl I was very in to in a past relationship, and even the loss of my grandparents and my father, but nothing quite compares to the intensity of the grief I am feeling right now. I'm guessing it's because this grief also takes with it all of the certainty of my own future. In a world of uncertainty, my girlfriend represented stability for me. We often told each other we were happy that "one problem has been solved", and we supported each other by reminding each other that no matter where life took us, we'd be together and we'd make things work. 

Because I lost a close friend to cancer, also at the age of 22, I often find I have a hard time waiting for things. I have a hard time saving a large amount of money beyond what I need for emergencies. I find that long-term plans tend to scare me. My girlfriend was aware of this and made every effort to console me and reassure me that she wasn't going anywhere. She would tell me that it's OK to be afraid but to remember she's young and we have our lives ahead of us and everything's going to be OK. She lived for the moment but was never afraid to make a plan. Now I feel doubly wounded, because not only did I lose my friend to cancer, but now I lost my girlfriend, both at very young ages. I am also afraid my own coping strategies are going to fail, because even the idea of grieving for a year scares the hell out of me, because it's basically a long-term plan - one thing I wasn't good at doing when my girlfriend was still here.

I have the knowledge that she didn't leave on purpose, and also that she did not experience any suffering, but this is little to no comfort to me at this point in time. I'm even thinking back to last week, when she was in the hospital but not yet passed, when I was hoping and praying with every cell in my body and even planning what I would say to her when she came to, the promises I would make to her and how much I would be there for her if she needed help with therapy or other needs. That all came crashing down with that fateful call on Saturday. My entire world fell apart and crashed down around me, leaving me standing alone with nowhere to go. She represented a stability in my life, something that was always there for me. I could call her anytime, I could always count on her to be there for me, and I was always sure to be there for her. I'm now alone and looking down the barrel of a life without her and it's scary.

Her funeral is coming up in a couple days and I'm just hoping it will at least start to give me a little closure. I'm not even sure if I want to see her body though. I'm just so confused and unsure of what to do. It's so early in the journey of grief and I'm already overwhelmed and not sure how to really cope.

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It's hard beyond belief.  I lost my bf Judy I've 3 weeks ago and I'm lost in that day most days.  I lost it and ended up in the er 11 days after.  You sound life you're having panic attacks and they are so hard to manage.  Have got thought about counseling? I plan to go.  Theres no easy way to cope i think but maybe I'm no good at advice when I'm right in the middle of it as well.  I wish you didn't have to feel this.  You need to be patient with yourself.  4 days after my honey passed i was laying in the place i found him in life a mental patient.  I stayed there until they made me leave my own home.  Now,  I'm able to look at his picture.  I'm able to eat again.  I'm able to get through one day at a time.  You will get stronger and wrong even realize it's happening

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Sometimes all we need is someone to talk to who's going through it themselves. I am sorry about your loss, I know exactly how you feel. I have seen a counselor but have not made much progress yet, we are just starting though. 

Keep posting here with me and we can work through this together. 

I have moments where I actually feel like things might just be OK, but they're very fleeting and brief, and it only takes one thought to put me back at the bottom. I keep thinking back to times we enjoyed, and then thinking about how those times will never happen again. This is the hardest part of it all, what I will never be able to have with her again. Even if you believe in the idea that you'll meet them on the other side, what about until then? What about all the things in this world that you wanted to share with them? It's not much help to think that in 50+ years I'll see her again and it'll be in a completely different place where I won't be able to share any of the places in this world I've been to with her.

 

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1 hour ago, fzald said:

In some ways I feel like I'm going to be writing a story similar to a lot of other ones on here, but I still want to write it.

My girlfriend and I started dating in late 2011, she was still under 18 but we agreed to not get intimate until after she was of age. But we did talk a lot, flirt, hang out, and do things together.

Over the five years I dated her, our relationship blossomed. We had ups and downs and even almost broke up a couple of times, but we grew stronger through the bad times and even more connected and devoted to each other. We had finally reached the point of discussing marriage and living together and our long term plans for ourselves.

Last Monday, my girlfriend was out of town with family and had a sudden dizzy spell. She passed out and went right into a coma. She was rushed to the hospital as fast as was possible. It was discovered she'd had a brain hemorrhage. She remained in the coma until Saturday evening, when she passed away. She never woke up.

I have been on the roller coaster of grief since then. I think of good memories and smile, but then immediately break down and cry remembering she's gone. I try to do my daily work and tasks and find I just can't concentrate or function. (It does not help that her and I worked together, so her absence is felt so strongly at work) 

Today I had what I can only describe as a panic attack. I went into our lounge at work, closed the door, sat on the couch and immediately curled into the fetal position, shaking and trembling and with severe stomach cramps. I stayed this way for a good 20 minutes. Deep breaths didn't help much. I wasn't even really thinking too deeply of her during this episode, but more of myself: the uncertainty of my future. Afterwards I was exhausted and actually fell asleep on the couch for a bit. I remember thinking in the midst of the attack that I just wish she would come and get me. I even remember whispering out to her, saying "please take me with you, please take the pain away from me and bring us back together". 

I also have done a lot of reading on grief and I see people say it can take months or even years to grieve. This alone scares me, because I am feeling like I will be in this horrible turmoil for the next year or more, and I don't know how I'll be able to make it through. I can barely function on my job as it stands, and I know it's still very fresh and it's only been four days since her passing, but I'm scared of what I will become in this condition. 

Our lives were very connected. We worked together, we spent much of our free time together, and we were always in contact. We were inseparable in many ways. She was my soulmate, a part of me that has left the largest gaping hole I've ever felt in my heart by her passing. I've dealt with grief before - the loss of two of my pets, the loss of a very close friend to cancer (at a young age), a breakup with a girl I was very in to in a past relationship, and even the loss of my grandparents and my father, but nothing quite compares to the intensity of the grief I am feeling right now. I'm guessing it's because this grief also takes with it all of the certainty of my own future. In a world of uncertainty, my girlfriend represented stability for me. We often told each other we were happy that "one problem has been solved", and we supported each other by reminding each other that no matter where life took us, we'd be together and we'd make things work. 

Because I lost a close friend to cancer, also at the age of 22, I often find I have a hard time waiting for things. I have a hard time saving a large amount of money beyond what I need for emergencies. I find that long-term plans tend to scare me. My girlfriend was aware of this and made every effort to console me and reassure me that she wasn't going anywhere. She would tell me that it's OK to be afraid but to remember she's young and we have our lives ahead of us and everything's going to be OK. She lived for the moment but was never afraid to make a plan. Now I feel doubly wounded, because not only did I lose my friend to cancer, but now I lost my girlfriend, both at very young ages. I am also afraid my own coping strategies are going to fail, because even the idea of grieving for a year scares the hell out of me, because it's basically a long-term plan - one thing I wasn't good at doing when my girlfriend was still here.

I have the knowledge that she didn't leave on purpose, and also that she did not experience any suffering, but this is little to no comfort to me at this point in time. I'm even thinking back to last week, when she was in the hospital but not yet passed, when I was hoping and praying with every cell in my body and even planning what I would say to her when she came to, the promises I would make to her and how much I would be there for her if she needed help with therapy or other needs. That all came crashing down with that fateful call on Saturday. My entire world fell apart and crashed down around me, leaving me standing alone with nowhere to go. She represented a stability in my life, something that was always there for me. I could call her anytime, I could always count on her to be there for me, and I was always sure to be there for her. I'm now alone and looking down the barrel of a life without her and it's scary.

Her funeral is coming up in a couple days and I'm just hoping it will at least start to give me a little closure. I'm not even sure if I want to see her body though. I'm just so confused and unsure of what to do. It's so early in the journey of grief and I'm already overwhelmed and not sure how to really cope.

I am so sorry for your loss. Your words reflect my situation in so many ways.

I was 22 this November when I lost my best friend of 14 years, who was also my boyfriend of 8 years and my fiance of 3 years. This person was my whole world. He was just 24. I felt like my whole world just crushed. I can't remember any day of my existence, except that my sweetheart was a part of it. 

I felt the pain that you are feeling right now. But trust me, it's intensity lessens with time. You don't have to make a one year plan for grieving. It evolves on its own. Just think about getting through one day at a time, that would be more than enough for now.

Thinking about the future and it's uncertainty would bring a whole lot of panic attacks. Please don't do that. 

Talk about how you feel. This is an amazing place. You will get lots of support here.

My prayers are with you.  

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48 minutes ago, fzald said:

 

I have moments where I actually feel like things might just be OK, but they're very fleeting and brief, and it only takes one thought to put me back at the bottom. I keep thinking back to times we enjoyed, and then thinking about how those times will never happen again. This is the hardest part of it all, what I will never be able to have with her again. Even if you believe in the idea that you'll meet them on the other side, what about until then? What about all the things in this world that you wanted to share with them? It's not much help to think that in 50+ years I'll see her again and it'll be in a completely different place where I won't be able to share any of the places in this world I've been to with her.

 

Fzald 

Among all this darkness and excruciating pain, the only little light and relief is that we will meet our loved ones AGAIN. It won't be like being in this world with them because it would be better. Something we can never imagine of. Something worth a lifetime of pain.

Hang on to that hope.  

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4 hours ago, fzald said:

Sometimes all we need is someone to talk to who's going through it themselves. I am sorry about your loss, I know exactly how you feel. I have seen a counselor but have not made much progress yet, we are just starting though. 

Keep posting here with me and we can work through this together. 

I have moments where I actually feel like things might just be OK, but they're very fleeting and brief, and it only takes one thought to put me back at the bottom. I keep thinking back to times we enjoyed, and then thinking about how those times will never happen again. This is the hardest part of it all, what I will never be able to have with her again. Even if you believe in the idea that you'll meet them on the other side, what about until then? What about all the things in this world that you wanted to share with them? It's not much help to think that in 50+ years I'll see her again and it'll be in a completely different place where I won't be able to share any of the places in this world I've been to with her.

 

Same here.  I know in my rational mind that i will be alright and when i stay away from our house for a couple days i get stronger,  then i go home and fall right back to the day i found him. One day at a time though.  Facing the entire future is way too much and i did the same and I'd go into a panic attack that would last for days without end until id take something.  I was going hour to hour,  but note i can mostly tackle an entire day.  We will get there.  We will never be the same,  and i don't know the definition of ok,  but we will stop suffocating 

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11 hours ago, fzald said:

people say it can take months or even years to grieve. This alone scares me, because I am feeling like I will be in this horrible turmoil for the next year or more, and I don't know how I'll be able to make it through. I can barely function on my job as it stands

I am so so sorry you lost her, and so young, it's very unfair.

Please try not to be scared.  Don't look at the rest of your life right now, just take ONE DAY AT A TIME, it's all we can or need to handle when we're grieving.  Grief lasts as long as we miss them, which is the rest of our lives, but it evolves continually, it does not stay the same.  The intensity we have in the beginning lessens, thank God or we couldn't handle it.  It's hard enough just to get through those early days, I think our shock kind of protects us those early months.

It IS hard to focus especially when it's sudden death and it comes out of nowhere.  I hope you'll talk to your boss and let him/her know you've had a devastating loss and you will continue to do your best.  This is not unlike brain trauma, it can literally affect us physically.  Most of us feel our brain is in a fog.

Just keep getting through one day at a time.  My husband was everything in the world to me, our love was amazing and we fit together so perfectly.  In those early days I could not see how I could live one week without him, let alone the whole rest of my life...that's when I learned to do one day at a time and not bite off more than that.  Somehow we do live through this, it took me a long time to process his death and even longer to find purpose, and rebuild my life into something I could live with.  You will make it through this even though there'll undoubtedly be times you can't see how.  We'll be here for you.

10 hours ago, fzald said:

I have moments where I actually feel like things might just be OK, but they're very fleeting and brief

I've learned to embrace those moments, we need them just to see the glimmer of hope.  I've also learned to look over my day for some bit of good in it.  It has trained me to focus on good at a time when everything seemed so bad.  It's there but sometimes we have to look hard for it.  The bad we don't have to look for, it's assailing us, the good takes more effort to find.  My big joy, George, is gone, but I've learned to embrace the little joys...a friend calling, getting to see a deer in my back yard, seeing a beautiful sunset or a rainbow (we're nature lovers), getting to see my granddaughter, a kiss from my dog...I don't want to discount anything good as being unworthy to be considered joy, no matter how fleeting, because this is what gets me through my life now.

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I had a dream of her.

We were out shopping together, and she and I were having a typical conversation. The weird part is, in this dream, I was actually aware that she had a medical concern that could likely threaten her life. In the dream, I kept asking her over and over to listen to me because I had to tell her something, I wanted to urge her to go to the hospital before anything happened. She would not let me speak, she kept interrupting and continuing our original conversation.

It feels like this dream is representing my feelings of helplessness, that there's nothing I could have done for her. Even if I had recognized a problem she may not have heeded my advice, thinking I was just overreacting.

i had actually had a dream the night before last as well, where she came into work like usual, everyone looked up, stared and cheered. I took her to the next room and explained that we had all seen her obituary and that she was gone. She laughed and said no way, she's fine and she's here. She said she was never going to forgive whoever told everyone she was dead. We hugged and kissed in the dream, telling each other we loved each other. Waking up from that dream hurt so so so bad...

My friend thinks this dream is her way of telling me she is ok and she's still with me in a way. It might be selfish but even knowing she's ok doesn't help, I want to hold her, cuddle her, kiss her, I want to go out to our favorite restaurant and have a fun long conversation like we always did, I want to walk her home, I even want to make love to her. I want everything with her and I can't have any of it.

having a tough day today mostly because of the dreams... I took half the day off and have been sitting at a friends house for a while, just letting feelings happen.

 

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fzald, I have dreams too. Depending on the dream, it is a way of connection. I go into a downer when I dream of my husband, just because I cannot be with him in this reality that I am stuck in. But, I know that someday we will be together again.

It is a good thing you are doing for yourself in taking a half day off from work, just to let the feelings happen. We have to let them happen in order to progress. Prayers to you.

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It seriously is a roller coaster.

I think of the things we shared, our inside jokes, things that no matter who else I may meet in this life, will never be able to be truly shared again. I remember our plans, our dreams, and just that fact that we could call each other any time and talk. 

Sometimes I feel nothing. I just feel completely numb. I feel like everything is going on around me and all I can do is watch. Other times I feel like I just wish she would take me with her and spare me the life of pain. 

I know part of my grieving is just the loss of normalcy and routine. My life was pretty stable, we would talk in the mornings, go to work, spend time in the evening after work, and maybe talk on the phone at night. We would text whenever we were not together. So many times I've opened up a txt window to her only to remember that she will never be able to read what I send... Now I have to work without her, spend evenings alone, and not even get that happy text from her.

Ive been just basically sitting here letting whatever comes to mind come. It's been horrible. Just having to know that I will never ever see her again in this life, that the things we shared together will never be shared again... 

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fzald, Everything you are feeling, we also feel. It is universal, but at the same time, different, according the the individual circumstances. This grieving with the loss of our loved ones is the hardest ordeal we'll probably have to face in this life. All we can do is take it day by day and continue on in our own individual fashion, learning to coexist with our loss.

I wish I could say more to you to be of help.Most of the help has to come from within ourselves. Takes courage to do that, and somehow we manage.

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fzald...so sorry for your loss. It's just been four days so just allow yourself to feel whatever comes. Cry, scream, bawl as much as you want, whenever you want, wherever you want. It's all part of the process. At this point you can't even imagine your life a week from now much less a lifetime so don't think about or dwell on it. I too was there. My husband's passing was so sudden and from the moment it happened I was dealing with so many other issues. I felt overwhelmed and just wanted to be with him. I didn't want to be in this world without him. It's almost four months now and I'm still here. Somehow I made it this far. I feel that I am getting stronger and dealing with my grief a bit better. So don't be hard on yourself, just take it as it comes. Continue to read and post here. It was only after I came across this forum that I started to do better. Everyone here gets it and we are all here for one another. 

My prayers are with you. 

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I am so very sorry for your pain; you must be devastated.  You have my deepest sympathy.   Few events in your life are as painful as the loss of your girlfriend.  You can't receive or process the loss; she was so young and had her entire to live.    You may be uncertain you will survive this overwhelming loss or even have the energy or desire to try to heal. Confusion, fear, guilt, and anger are just a few of the emotions you may feel. Don't be surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly experience them at the most unexpected times.  It's normal and expected.

I hope you find a support system of caring friends and relatives who will provide the understanding you need.  Find those people who encourage you to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings both happy and sad.  

When I lost my husband (Dec 6) I was at the lowest I've ever been in my entire life; I literally hit rock bottom.  This website was so amazing in welcoming me - letting me know I was not alone - sharing their stories - giving words of comfort and encouragement.   I hope you continue to visit this website; you'll experience a sense of camaraderie and closeness.  

My prayer is that God given strength, love and inner peace in this difficult time.  God Bless!

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19 hours ago, fzald said:

My friend thinks this dream is her way of telling me she is ok and she's still with me in a way.

That was my initial thought too.

I know this feels like a nightmare you can't wake up from, we all felt that way, some may feel that way still.  It really does take a while for it to fully sink in that this really happened.  I talk to my husband all the time, and think of him continually.  The positive things that came about in my life because of knowing him, those are still inside of me and I reach inside for him whenever I need his comfort and encouragement, he's still a part of me, very much so.

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I am still having panic or anxiety attacks. They tend to come in bursts, I can't always predict them, and they're not even necessarily tied with a specific thought or memory of my girlfriend.

They are the worst in the morning. I wake up and find that I don't want to move. I don't want to face the day. The idea of facing the day alone can be enough to bring one of the attacks on. I find myself trembling, breathing rapidly and am unable to calm down for a while. It can be either a few seconds or a minute or more. 

My friend asked me to tell the story of how we met. I did. I told of how we were immediately attracted to each other but we were only friends for a while. I talked of how she fell in love with me and how I fell in love with her. I talked of how we were so happy to finally have each other when we started dating. For just a second or two, I actually smiled. And then I immediately broke down and shook while I cried hot and heavy tears. 

It feels like that when I talk about her, when I talk about the good times, it's almost like it's not real anymore. It's almost like I am taking myself back to those times. It's like I am avoiding the truth, I'm focusing so much on her being here, that I'm ignoring that she isn't and never can be again. And then when I have to come back to reality, I can't handle it. I break down and cry all over again.

The last time I saw her is still running through my head, over and over and over. The last words we spoke to each other. Me not knowing it would literally be the last time I'd see her, her lively and happy face, her beauty. I even think about the week during which she was still alive but unconscious - how strange now to think that she was actually never going to come back...

It's getting worse for me, not better. I know we're only what, 6 days in, but I got thrown into a hole and I can't even see the light at the top, let alone fathom how to start climbing. In my darkest moments I just want to stay at the bottom and let whatever happens happen. I want her to come take me with her, to save me from the anguish. I know she would not ever wish this kind of pain on anyone, and sometimes I wish she could just take me with her to save me from the pain.

 

 

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Today is my girl's visitation. It starts in four hours.

I'm not sure what to make of this moment. I know that, in a few hours, I'll be able to at least "see" her, at least the physical embodiment of her, laying at rest, peaceful, just like she used to when she'd fall asleep on my couch and I'd curl up next to her until we woke up together wondering what time it was. Maybe it will give me some closure or finality, or maybe it will make it worse. I don't know.

I am all but paralyzed with grief at the moment. I don't know what to expect. 

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fzald, My thoughts and prayers are with you today. Your girlfriend's spirit will be with you and her family, friends today. It's painful I know, but you will get through it for her.

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This day will be difficult for you, but know that while her physical body is gone, her spirit lives one.   The body is merely a vessel in which the spirit dwells while here on this earth.  This earth was never meant to be its home.  Her spirit has gone home where love, peace and joy are the norms.  While you are mourning her loss, the angels are rejoicing her return.  My prayers are that God gives you the love and comfort you need to make it through this difficult time.

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I saw her.

It was quite possibly the most emotional moment I've ever faced. Seeing her there, lying peacefully... I couldn't help it, I cried like I've never cried before.

On the way home, a strange sense of calm was washing over me. Not happiness, not even "it's going to be OK", but just, relaxation. It didn't last too long, now I'm right back to where I was, thinking of the good times and even how recent it was that we last spoke, but...

The actual funeral service is tomorrow and I'll be there. 

God, this is definitely among the worst possible human experiences. This is not something I would wish on even my least favorite person. It is an anguish that keeps on hurting with no end in sight. It smashes your own sense of self, your own sense of stability and even worth. It throws you into a bottomless pit with nothing to grab onto, nothing even to fall against. Just... nothingness.

I remember before she passed, how I would often say that I didn't feel there was ever enough time in the day. Sometimes I cut myself short on sleep just to get things done I wanted to do. Sometimes I would cut myself short on sleep just to have more time with her. Other days I would oversleep and she'd be calling me wondering if I'm OK. She even always wanted to make sure I wasn't upset, and if I was she always wanted to talk about it. But now I feel like all I actually want to do is sleep, lay around, and just exist. All of the ambition I had, all of the things I was so busy doing before... all of those things feel like a distant memory, a past that I am no longer interested in nor do I care about. Lately 12 hours of sleep a day has been normal for me, but those 12 hours have been disturbed sleep - I'm lucky to get 2 hours of sleep without waking up and trembling, thinking of her and mourning the life we were supposed to live.

I wrote to her after I got home. I found myself reminiscing over even our most recent memories, the time we ate out a couple weeks ago at her favorite restaurant, the movie we last saw, and the meeting we had on the last day she was at work. 

I don't know how I'm going to do this.

 

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2 hours ago, fzald said:

I saw her.

It was quite possibly the most emotional moment I've ever faced. Seeing her there, lying peacefully... I couldn't help it, I cried like I've never cried before.

On the way home, a strange sense of calm was washing over me. Not happiness, not even "it's going to be OK", but just, relaxation. It didn't last too long, now I'm right back to where I was, thinking of the good times and even how recent it was that we last spoke, but...

The actual funeral service is tomorrow and I'll be there. 

God, this is definitely among the worst possible human experiences. This is not something I would wish on even my least favorite person. It is an anguish that keeps on hurting with no end in sight. It smashes your own sense of self, your own sense of stability and even worth. It throws you into a bottomless pit with nothing to grab onto, nothing even to fall against. Just... nothingness.

I remember before she passed, how I would often say that I didn't feel there was ever enough time in the day. Sometimes I cut myself short on sleep just to get things done I wanted to do. Sometimes I would cut myself short on sleep just to have more time with her. Other days I would oversleep and she'd be calling me wondering if I'm OK. She even always wanted to make sure I wasn't upset, and if I was she always wanted to talk about it. But now I feel like all I actually want to do is sleep, lay around, and just exist. All of the ambition I had, all of the things I was so busy doing before... all of those things feel like a distant memory, a past that I am no longer interested in nor do I care about. Lately 12 hours of sleep a day has been normal for me, but those 12 hours have been disturbed sleep - I'm lucky to get 2 hours of sleep without waking up and trembling, thinking of her and mourning the life we were supposed to live.

I wrote to her after I got home. I found myself reminiscing over even our most recent memories, the time we ate out a couple weeks ago at her favorite restaurant, the movie we last saw, and the meeting we had on the last day she was at work. 

I don't know how I'm going to do this.

 

Fzald 

It's going to be OK. I don't know how and when, but trust me, it will. The first few days are the worst. All the things that you said reflect my own feelings in the beginning of my grief. I didn't get out of my room for the first month. I didn't shower, didn't eat much except for fluids, didn't saw the sky, didn't talk to anyone except on this site, just sat on my bed all day and wondered what the hell happened. I lost weight, had to wear specs as I couldn't see clearly because of continuous crying. I was a complete mess.

But then, it gets better. It will get better for you too. Just focus on breathing, take some fluids if you don't feel like eating, take a walk. Do yourself these small favours. You will get through this. My prayers are with you. 

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I feel very strange.

For quite possibly the first time since I learned of her passing, I am not on the verge of tears. I actually kind of feel... nothing. Not necessarily numb. Just like if I think of her, I don't feel sad, I don't feel lonely, but I also don't feel happy. I just feel...No emotion at all.

Its a slight relief from the anguish.

But I also know I'll probably fall right back down the hole, especially in the morning and at the funeral itself tomorrow.

This really is a weird feeling...

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It isn't strange how you're feeling. I felt the same sense of numbness after my husband's viewing. I remember leaving there feeling calm and for a short while there were no tears. It helped prepare me for the funeral which was the next day. I was calm during the funeral, I was even able to get up and speak. Can't say where I got the strength to make it through then. But somehow I did. 

I pray for you to just get through the funeral. It is going to be hard but just like me I hope the strength comes to you. My prayers are with you. 

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On my way to the funeral now...

i had another dream of her last night. This time I awoke in a hotel, lying next to her sleeping. I nudge her awake and she stirs, asking what's up. I tell her that I thought she had passed...how is she here next to me? She giggles and says "huh?"

We hug and embrace in the dream and she seems a little uneasy with my complete lack of reservation. I am all over her. It is bliss. She tells me it's OK and she still doesn't get why I am being so silly.

Same dream, new scene: one of my coworkers knocks on the door. I let him in. He looks at her and said "oh thank god!" 

My friend thinks this is definitely a sign that she was not ready to go, that in fact in her spirit she's still here. She said it shows for sure if she could be here, she would be. 

Not sure how much I believe in dreams being signs from the other side, but it is at least a little comfort

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Be strong my friend, take deep breaths. You will get through today. 

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fazald--My prayers are with you today. Your girlfriend will be with you in spirit, guiding you with her love.

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