Taking a Break

[Jeff In Denver]

I talked with a psychologist yesterday, and I was a mess.  I told her about all of the reading and writing that I have done here, the research, the cross-referencing, copying and pasting, video links, etc.  I was becoming obsessed with this.  It was an addiction.  I told her about my frustrating experiences with mediums and how I wish they would just stop when they don't make contact.  She then asked me:  "Why don't you stop?"  She meant with all of this - the endless search for information, questions, experiences, talking with mediums, etc.  I explained that I thought I was learning things here, and that I was trying to help others.  She suggested that I am not helping anyone.  I bet she's right.  How can I?  I can't fix the problem.  No one can.

She said also suggested that I am in touch with my girlfriend, and to feel her love and return it from the heart - not intellectually.  I don't need a medium.  She strongly believes that Mila knows what is going on, is with me,  is giving me signs, and that our soul-to-soul love will bring us together forever some day, no matter what happens here. Every time I talk to her it re-establishes our connection, and I do that all day, every day.  

You know what a crushing sense of loss this is.

So I'm going to back off from this intense, frenzied, obsession and try that route.  

I'll check back later, but I wanted to say thank you for everything.

 

[KMB]

Jeff, I totally get your post. The reading, researching, it does get obsessive. I admit I was doing the same, as well you know. It was a distraction, seeking answers. I have backed off from some of it. Which is why I have been having a hard time the past few days. Back to the basics of grieving. We have to face it head on, put in our effort to get through it. Face the pain, the fears, the loneliness. We will all have our *someday*, our reunion with our loved ones.

Please keep checking in from time to time. You have helped many of us with your sharing. We are all friends here just trying to cope with our losses.

[Katie S]

5 minutes ago, KMB said:

Jeff, I totally get your post. The reading, researching, it does get obsessive. 

Same here. As well as all the other stuff I'm doing I find myself coming on here whenever I can, constantly refreshing the page to see if someone has posted something. On one hand its so comforting but I sometimes feel out of control with it all. It is very much like an obsession. 

Also when people leave the group, its like losing a friend. Its all very strange. 

Best wishes to you Jeff. I will miss your posts. 

[Emeliza]

I had to take a break from here (I don't research grief or the afterlife as I have a pretty firm belief system).  I felt like I wasn't helping anyone else here and sometimes reading about others misery and knowing my own just sort of sucked me down further.

Sometimes I come in here and it is wonderful and I feel satisfied that I am not going crazy and what I post is helpful to someone else.  Other times I think I do more harm than good, so I have taken a couple days off.  I lurked a bit, but didn't post.  

Good luck with whatever you need to help you heal as much as you can.  

[KMB]

Katie S and Emeliza----I hope you both still come on here and share and contribute. All our posts are helpful to everyone. I check in throughout the day, just for the break from something else. This is my lifeline because I have no one else to talk to.

Prayers and warm thoughts to all.

[Jeff In Denver]

Thank you KMB, Emeliza and Katie S.  I appreciate you and your comments more than you know.  Adios for now...

[Nads]

Jeff...hope to see you back here soon. It makes me sad that you're signing off for a bit. I too became obsessive with research on the afterlife but eventually I stopped that but still keep reading and posting here. Even if you may think you were not helping you were. Take care of yourself  

KMB...I'm like you. This is my lifeline as I am alone. I actually look forward to checking in and I try to do so as much as I can. Hope that's not being obsessive. It was only after I found this forum that I started to feel myself becoming stronger and that's thanks to all of you here. Your words have enlightened me in some way. I will always be grateful for that. I feel like I have found new friends here and I even speak about you all with my bff. 

Thanks again. 

[Mandipants84]

I think that the obsession is part of the anxiety as i do it as well with basically anything.  Whether it be obsessing about different outcomes or touching things in the house.  I even obsess about being life that and how to stop.  I know it won't help to say it's normal.  I don't like that phrase either,  but it has to be. It's good to talk to someone,  ive been told to.  Google is a great tool but it can be maddening. I can't tell you the amounts of time I've spent googling. Sorry I'm no good at advice now. Usually i am

[KMB]

I feel that *obsessing*, with anything right now is part of the grief journey. Finding distractions to alleviate the pain that seems all-consuming. Trying to find answers to the questions we'll never find. We want to know the *why* of it all. 

[claribassist13]

Try to engage in some hobbies. At least give yourself something else to do so you can take a break from all of this. 
And I'm glad to hear you are taking a break. I took one for few months as school was going on and during my year mark. I think it has allowed me time to process other thoughts and feelings without the input of others. 

When you need us again, if you will, we'll all be here. 
Enjoy your break!

[Stonesie]

I do hope that you poke your head in from time to time - and if you can, please don't isolate yourself...and least for me when I do too much of that things feel so much worse.

Be well

[KayC]

It's important to be aware of what we need and what helps us the most.  When you're deep in the throes of grief your focus needs to be on helping yourself, time enough for helping others later.  If you're bleeding from a head wound that isn't the time to perform CPR on someone else...let another person do that, you have to focus on your own wound and helping yourself.

We understand, and I hope you'll check in from time to time and let us know how you are.

[Zara19]

On 2017-2-1 at 5:52 PM, Katie S said:

Same here. As well as all the other stuff I'm doing I find myself coming on here whenever I can, constantly refreshing the page to see if someone has posted something. On one hand its so comforting but I sometimes feel out of control with it all. It is very much like an obsession. 

Also when people leave the group, its like losing a friend. Its all very strange. 

Best wishes to you Jeff. I will miss your posts

 

 

On 2017-2-1 at 5:09 PM, Jeff In Denver said:

I talked with a psychologist yesterday, and I was a mess.  I told her about all of the reading and writing that I have done here, the research, the cross-referencing, copying and pasting, video links, etc.  I was becoming obsessed with this.  It was an addiction.  I told her about my frustrating experiences with mediums and how I wish they would just stop when they don't make contact.  She then asked me:  "Why don't you stop?"  She meant with all of this - the endless search for information, questions, experiences, talking with mediums, etc.  I explained that I thought I was learning things here, and that I was trying to help others.  She suggested that I am not helping anyone.  I bet she's right.  How can I?  I can't fix the problem.  No one can.

She said also suggested that I am in touch with my girlfriend, and to feel her love and return it from the heart - not intellectually.  I don't need a medium.  She strongly believes that Mila knows what is going on, is with me,  is giving me signs, and that our soul-to-soul love will bring us together forever some day, no matter what happens here. Every time I talk to her it re-establishes our connection, and I do that all day, every day.  

You know what a crushing sense of loss this is.

So I'm going to back off from this intense, frenzied, obsession and try that route.  

I'll check back later, but I wanted to say thank you for everything.

 

Hello All

Not quite sure who will see this but I truly identify.  The constant seeking, yearning for new information, posting, reading etc.  Forever looking for a solution when there is no solution.  For every item we read that brings a modicum of solace each following items brings a solace that lasts for a shorter amount of time.  Is it avoidance, is it a compulsion/addiction, is it yearning/searching.  I don't know but it's exhausting and takes us away from being present.  It's isolating but a necessary lifeline to some. I have read (not surprising) that excessive participation in forums is a sign of grief that's becoming stuck.  My online grief activities are becoming worse, they are beyond being helpful now and are stealing my time and energy - yet I cannot control this.

[KMB]

Zara19, Speaking for myself, I feel the seeking for information, answers, is part of the process. In the beginning, I needed the forum as a distraction from the shock I was in. I had no one to talk to. I was not capable of doing anything beyond basic functioning, and even that was so crippling to deal with. I literally wanted to curl up in a ball and will myself to join my husband. For many months, all I wanted to do was keep myself sitting in front of this computer, read posts and express myself. I couldn't seem to get up and do anything else unless it was absolutely necessary.  I'm in the retirement bracket. No job to eventually go back to. And, to be honest, I would not have been capable of going back to a job. I was in sad shape. These days, I find myself getting into a more stable frame of mind. I'm back to doing some chores. My husband and I lived in our own world. Family and friends left my life and went on with theirs. This forum has become my life line. It is now a part of my new routine, but I'm not obsessed with being on it all day like I used to be. I keep the computer logged onto to the forum and check once in awhile. I feel this is part of my process, part of this unwanted new life. Maybe staying with the forum is part of the reason for why I am still here. To bring comfort, encouraging words to others. Whenever someone joins the forum, it hurts my heart. I know firsthand what they are trying to cope with, their pain and loneliness. I'm still a work in progress myself and it really bothers me to see someone in pain. It would be hard for me to walk away from this site knowing how many people are suffering. We all need compassionate words and knowing someone out there understands.

[Zara19]

Hello KMB

I'm sorry if I have offended at all, it was not my intention.  I don't speak with anyone about my grief so the only outlet is through these forums even though I live with family.  It's really hard having to hold it in but I appreciate I am not physically alone.  I can't seem to find the courage to accept my Husband is not with me anymore. I am getting worse and have contacted the UK equivalent of a  suicide helpline and think I'm using the net as a form of denial - which won't end well. You are a caring soul and have posted encouraging words to me many times so again, I apologize if I have offended.

Regards

[Andy]

4 hours ago, KMB said:

Zara19, Speaking for myself, I feel the seeking for information, answers, is part of the process. In the beginning, I needed the forum as a distraction from the shock I was in. I had no one to talk to. I was not capable of doing anything beyond basic functioning, and even that was so crippling to deal with. I literally wanted to curl up in a ball and will myself to join my husband. For many months, all I wanted to do was keep myself sitting in front of this computer, read posts and express myself. I couldn't seem to get up and do anything else unless it was absolutely necessary.  I'm in the retirement bracket. No job to eventually go back to. And, to be honest, I would not have been capable of going back to a job. I was in sad shape. These days, I find myself getting into a more stable frame of mind. I'm back to doing some chores. My husband and I lived in our own world. Family and friends left my life and went on with theirs. This forum has become my life line. It is now a part of my new routine, but I'm not obsessed with being on it all day like I used to be. I keep the computer logged onto to the forum and check once in awhile. I feel this is part of my process, part of this unwanted new life. Maybe staying with the forum is part of the reason for why I am still here. To bring comfort, encouraging words to others. Whenever someone joins the forum, it hurts my heart. I know firsthand what they are trying to cope with, their pain and loneliness. I'm still a work in progress myself and it really bothers me to see someone in pain. It would be hard for me to walk away from this site knowing how many people are suffering. We all need compassionate words and knowing someone out there understands.

KMB, I think you and I feel very much the same concerning this forum. This is a "family" created out of tragic loss, but it's become a necessary bond. Who else understands this world? Who else gets that I don't want to get out of bed? I don't want to socialize? To "hang out"? Things don't make me happy anymore? No one, except you and all the others who call this site "home". 

 

[KMB]

Zara19, You have not offended me. Maybe I worded things wrong. I do that once in awhile without meaning to. I don't have anyone to really talk to about my grieving either. That is why I'm on this forum everyday. I'm here in our home with a dog and cat that cling to me and give me what they can in comfort when I'm feeling really low and crying. I was in denial before my husband passed. We both knew the realities of his health conditions and he accepted that his life wasn't going to be as long as we thought. I chose to stay in denial. I could not fathom a life without him.I thought he would stabilize and have some improvement since we were just days away from starting him on dialysis. Between the two of us, I was the optimist. It is by far from easy accepting reality. My husband recovered from surgeries and infections so well and quickly and I thought he would keep going for much longer. I've beat myself up many times, over my selfishness of staying in denial that he would be with me longer. I've done a lot of inner work to help myself get over the denial and guilt I had placed on myself. The human body can only handle so much damage of health issues. I would not want him to still be here feeling miserable and suffering just to please me.

I understand about the suicide helpline. I used it myself back in January. I literally had no one to talk to one day when I was feeling pretty low and lonely. I tried calling a couple people that I knew were not working. I was told by them they didn't have time to talk. Out of desperation, I called the suicide helpline. The person I was connected to didn't have much to offer me in the way of understanding grieving, but it did help that they listened.

[Andy]

4 hours ago, Zara19 said:

Hello KMB

I'm sorry if I have offended at all, it was not my intention.  I don't speak with anyone about my grief so the only outlet is through these forums even though I live with family.  It's really hard having to hold it in but I appreciate I am not physically alone.  I can't seem to find the courage to accept my Husband is not with me anymore. I am getting worse and have contacted the UK equivalent of a  suicide helpline and think I'm using the net as a form of denial - which won't end well. You are a caring soul and have posted encouraging words to me many times so again, I apologize if I have offended.

Regards

Zara19, I'm not sure how you would offend, but how you feel or perceive things is how you personally interpret yourself and the world around you. Like KMB, I don't think this site or others like it represent a negative, this has been a solace for me. A place where the language I speak (grief) is understood by everyone here. Nowhere else would I find this kind of universal understanding and acceptance, especially considering we are all "strangers", though I hesitate to use that word, I feel closer to many here than those I know personally. Something about the shared experience of trauma that binds humans together. Zara, I hope you get whatever help you're looking for, please seek out who or what you need. Life doesn't seem worthwhile right now, and it may never get back to what it was, but just hang on. We're still here. Why? I don't know, I'm not going to lie, but we are still here. We have to move forward, life is still flowing through our bodies, possibilities exist. Please, talk to whoever you can, anyone here, forum or PM, just hang in there. I'm thinking of you and praying for you.

peace, love and comfort,

Andy

[Andy]

KMB, sometimes listening is all we need. We know there aren't words that'll fix it, and rather than have a few token words of encouragement, I'd rather someone just listen to the pain, share the burden a tiny bit, then I'll move on. 

Wish I could get that train thing going...

[KMB]

Andy, Thank you for that. I'm not ashamed for needing this forum, nor should anyone else be. I'm not ashamed of making that call to the suicide helpline in January either. I was not suicidal, but I needed someone to listen and show empathy. I needed another human beings voice. I needed to validate that someone was out there and that I'm not alone in this lonely world. I've come some distance since January. It does require work on our part to understand the right perspective of living a life and handling tragedy. I miss my husband every second, I always will. It is a tough road accepting that I have to live with his loss the best way I can.

[KMB]

Zara19, My prayers are with you as well. I hope you find a grief counselor or clergy or someone to talk to. I'm sorry you are not receiving the honest, compassionate support you should be getting from your own family. That has to be so tough that you have to hold yourself so tightly together around them. Your stress level must be really high and you need to relieve some of that stress by locating someone you can be yourself with. Hang in there (HUGS)

[KayC]

9 hours ago, KMB said:

To bring comfort, encouraging words to others. Whenever someone joins the forum, it hurts my heart. I know firsthand what they are trying to cope with, their pain and loneliness. I'm still a work in progress myself and it really bothers me to see someone in pain. It would be hard for me to walk away from this site knowing how many people are suffering. We all need compassionate words and knowing someone out there understands.

And you do a wonderful job of bringing comfort and encouragement to others!  It is why I am here too...I know all too well what it feels like to go through that crushing pain and I feel everyone deserves to be heard and understood.  To me, that's the least I can do!

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Andy said:

This is a "family" created out of tragic loss, but it's become a necessary bond. Who else understands this world?

That is very much how I feel.  We have shared the most intimate part of our hearts here and this is the place where we come together and people understand and "get it".  My family loves me but unless/until they go through this (God forbid!) they can't possibly understand, not really.
 

[HHFaith]

4 hours ago, KMB said:

Andy, Thank you for that. I'm not ashamed for needing this forum, nor should anyone else be. I'm not ashamed of making that call to the suicide helpline in January either. I was not suicidal, but I needed someone to listen and show empathy. I needed another human beings voice. I needed to validate that someone was out there and that I'm not alone in this lonely world. I've come some distance since January. It does require work on our part to understand the right perspective of living a life and handling tragedy. I miss my husband every second, I always will. It is a tough road accepting that I have to live with his loss the best way I can.

KMB, I think it was brave of you to call the hotline, as hard as that must have been. You were doing what you needed to do to get the help you needed at the time. We should take a lesson from that. We all need to do everything we can to take care of ourselves and give us what we need at the time. I've tried to reach out to everybody and anybody, which is so hard for me. But not as hard as being alone with the grief when I'm feeling overwhelmed and like I'm going crazy. 

Today is the 4 month mark for me. Lots of thinking about that horrible day. Things are not better but different. The anxiety is less but the sadness is more. This is an ever changing journey. I have not given up hope. There is always hope. My latest mantra is "Faith over fear."  And "my faith is bigger than my fear".

[HHFaith]

5 hours ago, Andy said:

KMB, sometimes listening is all we need. We know there aren't words that'll fix it, and rather than have a few token words of encouragement, I'd rather someone just listen to the pain, share the burden a tiny bit, then I'll move on. 

Wish I could get that train thing going...

I am patiently waiting for that train ride!!

[KayC]

12 hours ago, HHFaith said:

I am patiently waiting for that train ride!!

Me too!  

[Andy]

Somedays I think I'm on the "crazy train", but hey, I'll ride that one to, I have a ticket for grief and crazy. As long as they drop off somewhere a bit more pleasant. AcceptanceVille, or maybe Hope City. Blue skies and warm beaches, snow capped mountains in the distance, clear streams, meadows filled with wild flowers and humming birds, the faint smell of rain off in the distance. Heaven, I think they call it...

[KMB]

Andy, I was thinking of Heaven when I started reading blue skies, warm beaches, snow capped mountains in the distance, and here it is in your last sentence. It is where we would all like to be, with our loved ones. Someday, that dream will be a reality. Someday, the crazy, grief train will call out our number------ we will get off the train and our soulmate will be standing on the platform, waiting with outstretched arms and we will go off down the beach or into the meadow and our happily ever after.

[Andy]

4 minutes ago, KMB said:

Andy, I was thinking of Heaven when I started reading blue skies, warm beaches, snow capped mountains in the distance, and here it is in your last sentence. It is where we would all like to be, with our loved ones. Someday, that dream will be a reality. Someday, the crazy, grief train will call out our number------ we will get off the train and our soulmate will be standing on the platform, waiting with outstretched arms and we will go off down the beach or into the meadow and our happily ever after.

And how the years will creep by, or will they rush forward? It's a strange place, this in between spot. I long for my wife, her company, the immediate presence of her love, but life isn't done with me. I'm afraid other "duties" have arisen that keep me from fully embracing the idea of leaving just yet. Duties that I never dreamt of. Ones that even my dear wife would perhaps toss me out of Heaven to fulfill. "Go do what you're supposed to, we have eternity." So, until I take that last train, I have things to do. It's all so much more difficult and uncertain without my Tracie, but I know she'll be watching over me. 

I know everyone has their own idea of Heaven, and maybe that IS Heaven, the things that bring us the most peace and true happiness. If home is where the heart is, then Heaven should be no different, because as of December 31st, 2016, that's where my heart is. Wherever she is, that's Heaven. A beach, a summer prairie, a mountain overlook or just a swing under an old oak, it doesn't matter. A couch with our dog at our feet and her head on my shoulder, I could sit there and watch the eons pass by, content with, at last, being "home" 

Here's to what awaits and what we still must do. 

Love and hugs,

Andy

[KMB]

12 hours ago, Andy said:

"Go do what you're supposed to, we have eternity."

Eternity seems so far away. I was reflecting on past years. Every year went so fast because my husband and I were busy living our life. There is no *our*, now. Only me. I imagine my husband in Heaven, at the log cabin in the woods that he knew I wanted for us. A place to get away from all the trappings, busyness of life and just have a basic, simple lifestyle. We used to watch those *off the grid* reality shows, *Alaska: The Last Frontier and *Mountain Men*. We were both into that type of living. At our ages, we knew it was not doable, but we talked about how we wished we were younger again. We preferred each others company most of the time. We had friends, but we worked so well together as a team.

Like you, Andy, without your Tracie, I don't want to do the rest of this life alone without my Ed. For some reason, we are meant to. I too long for *home*, where my husband is. Heaven is said to be our *real home*, but my journey was made longer, filled with loneliness without my soulmate and deep valleys and high mountains to go through. Eternity seems so far away. But yet, I know my Ed is waiting for me, just as Tracie is waiting for you.

Big cookout at our cabin in the woods and all of you are invited. No mosquitos, no woodticks!

[KayC]

Funny you should mention ticks, I got bit by one yesterday.  Kind of scary with the disease they carry, as soon as I got home I put rubbing alcohol on it, hope that helps.

But talking about heaven, heaven to me is where my George is, and of course, getting to be with God and meet the people I've longed to be with.  I haven't given a lot of thought to the beauty of it, it's kind of hard for me to imagine, but then I think the beauty of where I do live is hard to surpass.

KMB, you mention how eternity seems so far away...it's weird but to me it seems not so far away, and a long time to wait, all at the same time.  Time is tricky.  It doesn't seem possible my George has been gone 12 years this June, but then it feels like a lifetime ago too, weird.  I reckon that's how the rest of my life will go.  It's harder the older I get, I see people around me dying and having physical problems and I'm thinking old age is not all its cracked up to be!  But then I remind myself, you can do today, just get through today, and my heart simmers down.  

[KMB]

KayC, I feel Heaven is however we, ourselves, imagine it. I've read case stories of near death experiences and Heaven is described as the same by some or differently. I don't really care, it is going to be beautiful as long as my husband is with me.

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I see people around me dying and having physical problems and I'm thinking old age is not all its cracked up to be!

My husband used to make references to this quite frequently. Our *golden years* are not that great unless you are blessed with good health through DNA. Maybe this is why my husband crammed so many good experiences, adventures, into his younger years when he had the chance. We had so much fun together before his bad health took control.

We have to manage the best we can to get through today, turn it into yesterday, and eternity will get closer. I feel it is God's ultimate goal for us. Fulfill His plan and our reward is eternity with our loved ones.

[KayC]

[HHFaith]

Today has been anything  but peaceful, but all of your images of Heaven are bringing me some peace.  Now a cookout, KMB?!  Great!   After a visit to your cabin in the woods, we can all head over to our little cottage on the Heaven beach.  Warm sunshine and blue skies all the time.  That's Heaven for me.  So many plans we all had, and now we are here alone.  And I'm feeling the "alone" quite a bit today.  Dealing with some difficult stuff with my mother and Pat's not here to help, and he's not here to listen to me vent!  I'm accepting his death a little more each day, but the WHY questions do sneak in from time to time.  At the end of each day, I think one more day closer to being reunited, whatever that means.  This is so hard.

KayC, I was thinking of you the other day.  I ran into an old acquaintance and we ended up talking for almost an hour.  His wife passed 12 years ago, like your George.  He told me all about his grief journey and I told him all about what I was going through.  He even shared with me some of the 'signs' he has received over the years.  It was so comforting to talk that openly and honestly with someone who gets it.  He and his wife are invited to the cookout too!

[Andy]

8 hours ago, KMB said:

Eternity seems so far away. I was reflecting on past years. Every year went so fast because my husband and I were busy living our life. There is no *our*, now. Only me. I imagine my husband in Heaven, at the log cabin in the woods that he knew I wanted for us. A place to get away from all the trappings, busyness of life and just have a basic, simple lifestyle. We used to watch those *off the grid* reality shows, *Alaska: The Last Frontier and *Mountain Men*. We were both into that type of living. At our ages, we knew it was not doable, but we talked about how we wished we were younger again. We preferred each others company most of the time. We had friends, but we worked so well together as a team.

Like you, Andy, without your Tracie, I don't want to do the rest of this life alone without my Ed. For some reason, we are meant to. I too long for *home*, where my husband is. Heaven is said to be our *real home*, but my journey was made longer, filled with loneliness without my soulmate and deep valleys and high mountains to go through. Eternity seems so far away. But yet, I know my Ed is waiting for me, just as Tracie is waiting for you.

Big cookout at our cabin in the woods and all of you are invited. No mosquitos, no woodticks!

KMB, we are there, rsvp! Save us a seat. And since we're kicking around the concept of Heaven being as we imagine it, don't be alarmed when my wife and I fly in riding on the back of a gold dragon, looking like pirates out of an old Eroll Flynn movie, and acting very much like Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert in "It Happened One Night".  Or we may show up as Bogart and Hepburn piloting the African Queen, because in this next go round, adventure will be our Heaven. Can't wait. We'll just be the "lost boys" flying around after Peter Pan, chasing stars and the horizon. 

[KMB]

Andy, I wish for my husband to meet all of you. I wish for him to know who all were there for me, encouraging and inspiring me to keep going while we were separated. I enjoy old movies also. Maybe something I should get back into. Maybe when my mind gets back into fully focusing. My husband liked Clint Eastwood's spaghetti westerns. That guy could make money without having to memorize a lot of dialogue.

I sincerely hope we all remember each other when we get to Heaven. Our cabin, HHFaith's cottage on the beach, wherever you and Tracie call home and all the rest of us. If we keep the hope alive in this manner, I know that we all can make it through our journeys.

[KayC]

HHFaith,

I felt the same way when I went through my mom's dementia...George was always so good at handling her, better than the rest of us.  She adored him but when she got dementia, all her memories of him were gone.