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kelly

Coping with the Holidays

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laquinn   

Steph

Sorry I haven't been on in a couple of days this cold has been really bad just now starting to feel better. Right now is when I miss my husband the most he always took care of me when i was sick which was not all that much.

If your "Friends" can't deal with you talking about your mother than I say find someone out there that will listen. I went through all the same stuff you are about to go through, graduation, prom, marriage and having kids that she will never meet. Yes it all was very hard because she was not there to do the getting dressed part, fixing my hair, be there when my kids were born. But I do know that she has seen everything from above and I know that she would be very happy with how everything has turned out for me that is up untill now. now I must go on with the rest of my life on my own and somedays I just don't know how that is going to happen this is all still so new to me.

I am finding myself telling anyone that will listen about my husband and how wonderful of a man he was. He had alot of friends and they tell me stories about different things that he did at work. Just the other night I had to work and when I was getting off their were a couple of the guys there and we sat and talked for along time about him and what they miss about him it was alot of fun and that is what I needed then.

Talk to u again soon Lela

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Grrrrrrrrrrrrr....I want to punch your teacher.  People are so effing insensitive.  They have no clue how we feel. How our hearts have been ripped out and torn in half. Sometimes the pain is so bad I want to just be with Jordan already. I do have another child. His name is Logan he is 15. He is adorable but we have such a different relationship then Jordan and I did. Jordan was my best friend...Logan tends to be more stand offish.  We love eachother and try to spend time with eachother as much as possible. Logan lives with his dad. Which is good for him because he would be a mess if he lived with me. His dad and his uncle are up his ass. They want him to succeed. I think he will. I just don't want him to drowned his sorrows. Or smoke them away is more like it. He was there when Jordan died. I know it's killing him inside but he won't get counseling.  He bottles his feelings up. I've been so worried about him. But I need to focus on my own healing.  All I can do is pray for him.  And be there when he needs me.  You know you could have told your teacher you didn't want to change the subject. A grade is a grade and she needs to look at it objectivly and keep her mouth shut. Okay I know...I jump around lol! ADD gets the best of me lol! I think you going to nursing school is great! I would be super proud of you! And of course you know that your mom will be too.  My mom was VERY hard on me.  We did nothing but fight for years. I mean there were a few good times but for the most part it was hard. My mom is a perfectionist. I still get upset with her. The difference is I voice my opinion and stand up for myself now. I know she loves me and I love her.  I am glad because I am who I am because of her. It sounds like you are glad for your mom raising you the way she did.  Today wasn't bad. It just felt like my tears were going to come out at any moment. I had to hold back at work a little. I went to Walmart after work. I swear that is my therapy lol.  I don't know most of the people and I can just walk around and keep my mind off of my sadness. Of course tonight people were irratating me. They just stand there while you're trying to pass. As if they are the only one that matters. I find Target to be a little more enjoyable. I guess the clientile is different. Slightly upscale. I sound snobby! Anyway it's 12:30 am. I am wide awake...waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in. I am in California by the way. What about you? I would LOVE to meet you in person someday too! Hope you're sleeping well and having sweet dreams!

Love,

Simone

The pic is Jordan with my close friend Kristin

[user=18056]stephysteph13[/user] wrote:

hi, i feel so alone its bad. no one wants to hear it anymore or they keep telling me dont worry it will get easier. i lost my mom, ill never have that mother daughter relationship ever again. its not like we wake up everyday and say to ourselves i want to feel like crap today, we just do. do they seriously think that im 17 and i want to feel miserable when i should be having some of the best times. its hard, i just feel so alone, and wanting my mom. people keep telling me life is too short enjoy life! what the heck is that suppost to mean i lost my mother im not complaining about something foolish. death is a serious, meaningful word. its something i wish can just be erased but it cant. here i am its almost 11 at night and im pondering about graduation, prom, wedding, kids etc without her and its horrible to know she isnt here or ever going to be here to share these happy things with me. me and my mom were very close we always used to watch movies, take walks, and just play cards and talk. i was a mommys girl and i know she is so proud of me, but i wish she was here to tell me that. she loved the flintstones, our whole basement was filled with them. :) she was a tough, but extremely loving mom and i miss her toughness, because i always looked at it as tough love. if i look back now i realize that everything we went through is extremely beneficial to me in my everyday life. to get through each day, i think about every piece of advice she had thrown me over the years. i wished i could have gone with her, because i dont want to live life without her but i will and im doing it for her! i just recently got accepted into Felician college for nursing. she wanted me to be a nurse, and yeah its extremely hard without her, but i know she will be soo proud of me when i become the nurse she always saw me as. its so sad that i remember the bad things about her life because she wasso sick for 4 years, and never was herself. im almost teary eyed writing this because its nice to have someone care about the situation and understand as much asu do. im tired of people in general they are always trying to pretend like they get how i feel. its not fair that anyone has to go through this, but i know this expierence is only going to make me stronger throughout life! and u will always be strong too! was he your only child? i feel as if the world was ripped out from underneath me, and the day she left my happiness went too. its a horrid feeling to be miserable all the time, but i just cant help it. i feel like i lost everything even though i have a million good people in my life. its just they dont want to hear it and try to avoid the subject. i understand they dont want to see me sad because it hurts them but i feel sad and thats not going to change for a while. i cant believe how shitty death makes a person feel, i never thought i would be this bad. i would kill for some of these "problems" that these teenagers complain about. if my hardest thing in life was ooo im single i would be soo happy. losing a mom is a problem i cant just let go of. i feel like i annoy people when i talk about it so i dont mention it at all anymore, and if i do its only to certain people. i hate when people say dont talk about her or dont dwell on it it pisses me off so much. like what your boss said to you i; i kinda had a similar expierence i take a creative writing class in school and i was writing a lot about my mom and getting all a's because it was a strong subject for me. and the last assigment i handed in she looked me in the eyes and said thats it change the subject i was real upset. that was real screwed up for her to say. ehhh im soo upset right now.

sorry for this being so long. thanks for listening! i really appreciate it! i wish we could meet one day :)

how are u feeling today?

love steph

[user=18802]jordansproudmom[/user] wrote:

Hi Steph,

Today we went to court again. Only to have it postponed once more! It just keeps getting dragged out. Ugh!

No one can tell you how to grieve sweetie. And there is no time limit as to when you will feel better. You are taking the right steps. Counseling is huge! I have only been to one session but I know it's going to help. There might be some type of grief group in your area geared towards teens. Maybe do a web search.  People say the stupidest things. They have no clue what we're going through. If it happens to them they would have a different prespective.  My boss basically told me to stop talking about Jordan so much last week. I wanted to choke her. It hurt my feelings so bad. I like talking about him! It helps me feel better. In fact tell me about your mom Steph. What was she like? What were her favorite things? Favorite memory of you and her together. When you're ready to post pics that's good too. I would love to see her. It's hard not to get stuck in your sadness. But Jordan would want us to move forward...never forgeting but LIVING in honor of him. The same goes for your mom...I am sure. Steph...we're going to be happy again someday. I promise.  Hope you're doing well today. 

with love,

Simone

 

[user=18056]stephysteph13[/user] wrote:

thanks for your reply. and im very sorry for your son :( his memorial site is very sweet i checked it out this morning when i woke up. im struggling so bad with the loss of my mom i feel as if nothing can help. its hard too when you have people telling you that you should be fine by now. she only died in septemeber of 06 so its been a little over a year. im depressed, and i just dont really know how to go on without her. lately i have kept the grieving to myself except for this website, because no one understands unless they have been through it. everyone looks at me and tells me how strong i am for what i went through, but deep down i feel like the strongness is breaking. i have no siblings either which tends to make it a bit harder on me, because there is no one who lost my mom the same way. today is a horrible day for me because i dont have plans and usually im always out because when im by myself i think more and i become depressed. i just havent felt truly happy in a long time and it sucks but people always say things that just make it worse. i wish when people say it gets easier it does, but it really doesnt for me. this year has been by far so much worse than last year. it has sunk in more, and now i really understand the fact that she isnt coming back. ive been struggling more and more with it. i do attend counseling once a week which is the best thing ive ever done for myself. i highly recommend it if you dont go already. its  aplace to just cry scream talk etc. and a place where she doesnt judge you or tell you how u should be feeling when she has bother her parents and her kids. its a beneficial thing.

yeah i would love to talk with your daughter. even though its a different loss we are at the same age and are going to have a lot of the same feelings on grief. its a tough tough situation and we can help eachother out. :)

thanks for replying i really appreciate you trying to help, and remember im here to talk too.

how are u doing?

steph

post-18802-128153886425_thumb.jpg

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i live in new jersey. hopefully we can meet up one day soon! its so nice to finally find someone who truly understands me. today is an okay day for me i guess because one of the family friends just gave birth to a baby boy so im going to the hospital to see him. :) however, i know when im there i will keep thinking im going to the hospital to see mom and it will bring back some horrid thoughts as i walk through the hospital. its about  45 min ride too which is bad because the more im driving alone the more i tend to think about the sucky things.i miss her more and more each day which is a stabbing pain to the heart. im very close to a few teachers in school, they treat me better than my family. i have a lot of family issues too which makes it even tougher. i wish someone just was constantly there for me and not getting annoyed when i talk about her. i have soo much support, but lately it feels that people think i should pick up and move on. but hello i lost my mom! the one who gave birth to me and raised me how i am today. i thank her for everything that has turned out good in my life because it was all because of and my dad. for me and u both days that are suppost to be happy are never going to be and its such a sad sad thing. junior prom was suppostto be super duper fun! dont get me wrong i had a good timebut deep down i was so sad, so sad that my mom couldnt see me in the dress. ill attach a pic of me and my best friend from last years prom. how u feeling today??

your son was adorable and he loves you very much. we will see our loved ones again someday! :)

p.s. do you have AIM or msn messenger?

love stephanie

[user=18802]jordansproudmom[/user] wrote:

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr....I want to punch your teacher.  People are so effing insensitive.  They have no clue how we feel. How our hearts have been ripped out and torn in half. Sometimes the pain is so bad I want to just be with Jordan already. I do have another child. His name is Logan he is 15. He is adorable but we have such a different relationship then Jordan and I did. Jordan was my best friend...Logan tends to be more stand offish.  We love eachother and try to spend time with eachother as much as possible. Logan lives with his dad. Which is good for him because he would be a mess if he lived with me. His dad and his uncle are up his ass. They want him to succeed. I think he will. I just don't want him to drowned his sorrows. Or smoke them away is more like it. He was there when Jordan died. I know it's killing him inside but he won't get counseling.  He bottles his feelings up. I've been so worried about him. But I need to focus on my own healing.  All I can do is pray for him.  And be there when he needs me.  You know you could have told your teacher you didn't want to change the subject. A grade is a grade and she needs to look at it objectivly and keep her mouth shut. Okay I know...I jump around lol! ADD gets the best of me lol! I think you going to nursing school is great! I would be super proud of you! And of course you know that your mom will be too.  My mom was VERY hard on me.  We did nothing but fight for years. I mean there were a few good times but for the most part it was hard. My mom is a perfectionist. I still get upset with her. The difference is I voice my opinion and stand up for myself now. I know she loves me and I love her.  I am glad because I am who I am because of her. It sounds like you are glad for your mom raising you the way she did.  Today wasn't bad. It just felt like my tears were going to come out at any moment. I had to hold back at work a little. I went to Walmart after work. I swear that is my therapy lol.  I don't know most of the people and I can just walk around and keep my mind off of my sadness. Of course tonight people were irratating me. They just stand there while you're trying to pass. As if they are the only one that matters. I find Target to be a little more enjoyable. I guess the clientile is different. Slightly upscale. I sound snobby! Anyway it's 12:30 am. I am wide awake...waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in. I am in California by the way. What about you? I would LOVE to meet you in person someday too! Hope you're sleeping well and having sweet dreams!

Love,

Simone

The pic is Jordan with my close friend Kristin

[user=18056]stephysteph13[/user] wrote:

hi, i feel so alone its bad. no one wants to hear it anymore or they keep telling me dont worry it will get easier. i lost my mom, ill never have that mother daughter relationship ever again. its not like we wake up everyday and say to ourselves i want to feel like crap today, we just do. do they seriously think that im 17 and i want to feel miserable when i should be having some of the best times. its hard, i just feel so alone, and wanting my mom. people keep telling me life is too short enjoy life! what the heck is that suppost to mean i lost my mother im not complaining about something foolish. death is a serious, meaningful word. its something i wish can just be erased but it cant. here i am its almost 11 at night and im pondering about graduation, prom, wedding, kids etc without her and its horrible to know she isnt here or ever going to be here to share these happy things with me. me and my mom were very close we always used to watch movies, take walks, and just play cards and talk. i was a mommys girl and i know she is so proud of me, but i wish she was here to tell me that. she loved the flintstones, our whole basement was filled with them. :) she was a tough, but extremely loving mom and i miss her toughness, because i always looked at it as tough love. if i look back now i realize that everything we went through is extremely beneficial to me in my everyday life. to get through each day, i think about every piece of advice she had thrown me over the years. i wished i could have gone with her, because i dont want to live life without her but i will and im doing it for her! i just recently got accepted into Felician college for nursing. she wanted me to be a nurse, and yeah its extremely hard without her, but i know she will be soo proud of me when i become the nurse she always saw me as. its so sad that i remember the bad things about her life because she wasso sick for 4 years, and never was herself. im almost teary eyed writing this because its nice to have someone care about the situation and understand as much asu do. im tired of people in general they are always trying to pretend like they get how i feel. its not fair that anyone has to go through this, but i know this expierence is only going to make me stronger throughout life! and u will always be strong too! was he your only child? i feel as if the world was ripped out from underneath me, and the day she left my happiness went too. its a horrid feeling to be miserable all the time, but i just cant help it. i feel like i lost everything even though i have a million good people in my life. its just they dont want to hear it and try to avoid the subject. i understand they dont want to see me sad because it hurts them but i feel sad and thats not going to change for a while. i cant believe how shitty death makes a person feel, i never thought i would be this bad. i would kill for some of these "problems" that these teenagers complain about. if my hardest thing in life was ooo im single i would be soo happy. losing a mom is a problem i cant just let go of. i feel like i annoy people when i talk about it so i dont mention it at all anymore, and if i do its only to certain people. i hate when people say dont talk about her or dont dwell on it it pisses me off so much. like what your boss said to you i; i kinda had a similar expierence i take a creative writing class in school and i was writing a lot about my mom and getting all a's because it was a strong subject for me. and the last assigment i handed in she looked me in the eyes and said thats it change the subject i was real upset. that was real screwed up for her to say. ehhh im soo upset right now.

sorry for this being so long. thanks for listening! i really appreciate it! i wish we could meet one day :)

how are u feeling today?

love steph

[user=18802]jordansproudmom[/user] wrote:

Hi Steph,

Today we went to court again. Only to have it postponed once more! It just keeps getting dragged out. Ugh!

No one can tell you how to grieve sweetie. And there is no time limit as to when you will feel better. You are taking the right steps. Counseling is huge! I have only been to one session but I know it's going to help. There might be some type of grief group in your area geared towards teens. Maybe do a web search.  People say the stupidest things. They have no clue what we're going through. If it happens to them they would have a different prespective.  My boss basically told me to stop talking about Jordan so much last week. I wanted to choke her. It hurt my feelings so bad. I like talking about him! It helps me feel better. In fact tell me about your mom Steph. What was she like? What were her favorite things? Favorite memory of you and her together. When you're ready to post pics that's good too. I would love to see her. It's hard not to get stuck in your sadness. But Jordan would want us to move forward...never forgeting but LIVING in honor of him. The same goes for your mom...I am sure. Steph...we're going to be happy again someday. I promise.  Hope you're doing well today. 

with love,

Simone

 

[user=18056]stephysteph13[/user] wrote:

thanks for your reply. and im very sorry for your son :( his memorial site is very sweet i checked it out this morning when i woke up. im struggling so bad with the loss of my mom i feel as if nothing can help. its hard too when you have people telling you that you should be fine by now. she only died in septemeber of 06 so its been a little over a year. im depressed, and i just dont really know how to go on without her. lately i have kept the grieving to myself except for this website, because no one understands unless they have been through it. everyone looks at me and tells me how strong i am for what i went through, but deep down i feel like the strongness is breaking. i have no siblings either which tends to make it a bit harder on me, because there is no one who lost my mom the same way. today is a horrible day for me because i dont have plans and usually im always out because when im by myself i think more and i become depressed. i just havent felt truly happy in a long time and it sucks but people always say things that just make it worse. i wish when people say it gets easier it does, but it really doesnt for me. this year has been by far so much worse than last year. it has sunk in more, and now i really understand the fact that she isnt coming back. ive been struggling more and more with it. i do attend counseling once a week which is the best thing ive ever done for myself. i highly recommend it if you dont go already. its  aplace to just cry scream talk etc. and a place where she doesnt judge you or tell you how u should be feeling when she has bother her parents and her kids. its a beneficial thing.

yeah i would love to talk with your daughter. even though its a different loss we are at the same age and are going to have a lot of the same feelings on grief. its a tough tough situation and we can help eachother out. :)

thanks for replying i really appreciate you trying to help, and remember im here to talk too.

how are u doing?

steph

post-18056-128153886454_thumb.jpg

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Hey sweetie!

I am doing ok. I am going to hang out with Logan today.  I am tired and fighting that feeling of just wanting to stay in bed all day.  I think going to see your friends baby isn't a bad idea. Just try to focus on the happiness of a new baby.  I hope your day goes well. I don't have AIM but I have YIM.

 

Simone

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HI Simone:  I have to tell you the story about that picture with the dog.  I am in NY and I cannot place a headstone until Spring.  The ground needs to settly, and then they need to pour an actual foundation, but we are in the process of designing the stone.  Justin's friends did a beautiful memorial plaque, in black granite.  Maybe I can someday get a picture of it on here.  Anyway, I was having a really bad day.  It was during football season, (obviously you know Justin was a football player) and it was the day that my husband and daughter did the speech, (the one in the video)  I couldn't go, for obvoius reasons, so I went to the cemetary, which is only about 5 minutes away.  I was laying there on a blanket for almost an hour, I heard a noise, sat up and looked behing me to see that big beautiful dog.  He came to me, kissed my face, and wouldn't leave me alone.  My husband had told me to carry a digital camera with me so that when I got "signs" from Justin I could take a picture.  I went to my car to get the camera, because I knew nobody would believe me about this dog, and he jumped right into my car.  There was nobody else in sight.  The cemetary is very small, in a very quiet neighborhood.  Well, that dog stayed with me until I left.  To make a long story short, i walke about a mile, and back into the woods that are behind the cemetary, of course with the dog following me all the way, and I heard a man calling out, ,and across the woods was where the dog lived, but he got loose from his chain.  I do believe Justin sent that dog to me!  Well, just had to let you know that.  Thanks so much for looking at his website.  I listen to that interview on that video almost every night, just so I can see his face and here his voice at the same time.  I miss him terribly.  The pain is such a continual ache, except for when it's a stabbing pain, and you feel like you've been run over by a truck.  I know you know what I mean.  Hope you have a peacful night.  Thinking of you.

Steph:  Nursing school is great!!!  Congratulations!  Just think what a difference you will make in so many people's lives.  Your Mom is so proud of you.  She will be with you always, you have to know that.  She saw how beautiful you were in your prom gown, and she will be there for all of your important occasions in your life, and also the not-so-important ones.  You have to feel whatever it is you feel.  I'm glad that you are in counseling.  Has anyone mentioned Medication for you.  It really helped me, I almost think sometimes it is what makes me get up in the morning, (on the days that I do get up.)  Just keep doing what your doing, and ask your Mom to help you and guide you.  You will see and feel the hope in life, I promise. Good night. with love,  Trish

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hiyeah im doing okay i suppose could be better but i did suffer something huge. i miss her so much, and i just want her here to hold me and talk to me like she used too. she has mentioned medication but i dont feel i need it and keep refusing it.i guess because im afraid, and no one that is close to me feels i need it because i tend to be very strong and i still get up and live life, i just struggle ALOT. i am so involved with activities thorughout school and get good grades, i just wish she was here to see them all. =/

how are u feeling today? tell me a little about justin? what did he like to do? wereyou real close to him? etc. i would love to hear about him. :)

thanks for always listening!

steph

[user=18188]loveyoujustin[/user] wrote:

HI Simone:  I have to tell you the story about that picture with the dog.  I am in NY and I cannot place a headstone until Spring.  The ground needs to settly, and then they need to pour an actual foundation, but we are in the process of designing the stone.  Justin's friends did a beautiful memorial plaque, in black granite.  Maybe I can someday get a picture of it on here.  Anyway, I was having a really bad day.  It was during football season, (obviously you know Justin was a football player) and it was the day that my husband and daughter did the speech, (the one in the video)  I couldn't go, for obvoius reasons, so I went to the cemetary, which is only about 5 minutes away.  I was laying there on a blanket for almost an hour, I heard a noise, sat up and looked behing me to see that big beautiful dog.  He came to me, kissed my face, and wouldn't leave me alone.  My husband had told me to carry a digital camera with me so that when I got "signs" from Justin I could take a picture.  I went to my car to get the camera, because I knew nobody would believe me about this dog, and he jumped right into my car.  There was nobody else in sight.  The cemetary is very small, in a very quiet neighborhood.  Well, that dog stayed with me until I left.  To make a long story short, i walke about a mile, and back into the woods that are behind the cemetary, of course with the dog following me all the way, and I heard a man calling out, ,and across the woods was where the dog lived, but he got loose from his chain.  I do believe Justin sent that dog to me!  Well, just had to let you know that.  Thanks so much for looking at his website.  I listen to that interview on that video almost every night, just so I can see his face and here his voice at the same time.  I miss him terribly.  The pain is such a continual ache, except for when it's a stabbing pain, and you feel like you've been run over by a truck.  I know you know what I mean.  Hope you have a peacful night.  Thinking of you.

Steph:  Nursing school is great!!!  Congratulations!  Just think what a difference you will make in so many people's lives.  Your Mom is so proud of you.  She will be with you always, you have to know that.  She saw how beautiful you were in your prom gown, and she will be there for all of your important occasions in your life, and also the not-so-important ones.  You have to feel whatever it is you feel.  I'm glad that you are in counseling.  Has anyone mentioned Medication for you.  It really helped me, I almost think sometimes it is what makes me get up in the morning, (on the days that I do get up.)  Just keep doing what your doing, and ask your Mom to help you and guide you.  You will see and feel the hope in life, I promise. Good night. with love,  Trish

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Today sucked. Very bad. I just felt down from the moment I got up. There was 3 hours out of the day that didn't suck. I spent some time with Logan (15). I took him to get his first pedicure lol. He actually liked it. But, will not be telling his dad lol! Then we went to lunch, did some shopping. We always have fun. We have our little inside jokes. He is fun to be around. Then I went to Walmart. Honestly, that is almost like therapy. I don't know the people walking around and it just keeps my mind busy.  I just took my sleeping pill. It's only 10:30. Oh well, I have church in the morning. I might as well get a good nights sleep.

That is an amazing story about the dog! I agree with you. Justin sent him.  The day we were picking out Jordan's plot...three geese flew over our heads.  No one else noticed them but me. I knew Jordan was there with me. Just that day I had picked the song "Three little birds" by Bob Marley as my song to Jordan at the funeral.  I used to see little signs but I didn't always share them because I didn't want people to think I was crazy. I am waiting for Jordan's grave marker to come in too. Funny...it's black granite with gold flecks in it. It's beautiful. He would love it.  We can't have headstones. I wish we could. They are so pretty. 

I have a couple of videos of Jordan but he isn't talking. He is just being silly. In one he is lip sinking and dancing. It's so funny.  Jordan always made people laugh.  Well, I am going to get to sleep. I hope you're sleeping well. Dreaming of your boy.

with love,

Simone

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Today sucked. Very bad. I just felt down from the moment I got up. There was 3 hours out of the day that didn't suck. I spent some time with Logan (15). I took him to get his first pedicure lol. He actually liked it. But, will not be telling his dad lol! Then we went to lunch, did some shopping. We always have fun. We have our little inside jokes. He is fun to be around. Then I went to Walmart. Honestly, that is almost like therapy. I don't know the people walking around and it just keeps my mind busy.  I just took my sleeping pill. It's only 10:30. Oh well, I have church in the morning. I might as well get a good nights sleep.

That is an amazing story about the dog! I agree with you. Justin sent him.  The day we were picking out Jordan's plot...three geese flew over our heads.  No one else noticed them but me. I knew Jordan was there with me. Just that day I had picked the song "Three little birds" by Bob Marley as my song to Jordan at the funeral.  I used to see little signs but I didn't always share them because I didn't want people to think I was crazy. I am waiting for Jordan's grave marker to come in too. Funny...it's black granite with gold flecks in it. It's beautiful. He would love it.  We can't have headstones. I wish we could. They are so pretty. 

I have a couple of videos of Jordan but he isn't talking. He is just being silly. In one he is lip sinking and dancing. It's so funny.  Jordan always made people laugh.  Well, I am going to get to sleep. I hope you're sleeping well. Dreaming of your boy.

with love,

Simone

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solemate   

Hi everyone  - hope you are all getting through the days - Its news Years Eve here in Australia and I am trying hard to believe that it will be the start of a better year for me. I have put Christmas behind me (packed away) When people ask "How was your Christmas" I can't lie - it was horrible and something I just want to forget.  People don't want to know it was horrible so I now just say quiet, how was yours?  I have printed out new photos of my parents for my office at home.  The pictures sit proudly on my desk.  To Jordonsmum and Steph my sign is a rainbow, and evertime I see a rainbow it reminds me of them both. "Never miss a rainbow because your looking down" is the motto.  I have lots of trinket rainbows around the house and have superimposed the rainbows on the back of pictures of my parents.  I was very lucky one day to have a double rainbow over my home, I believe that was a sign.  Let us all hope for better days in this New Year.  Take care Gayle

 

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Simone,

I hope you are feeling better than earlier today. im not doing that great myself. feeling a little worse as the days go on. here i am starting a new year without my mom. i need her, but i know you understand. when im with my friends and they are talking or hugging their mom etc. it kills me its like a stabbing pain right through the heart. i want to wake up tomorrow and for her to be here but i know that it wont happen. do you feel depressed alot? it feels like no matter what im doing im always sad. i was with a whole big group of friends today and i was so quiet they were like why are u so quiet and i kept saying nothing i was fine. but thats just it im not fine i havent been fine and people think i should be. ugh!! i just wish people understood me like you do, it would make a tiny bit easier. do you talk about jordan alot? do people try to tell you how to feel and does it make you angry? would you say you have a lot of support?

i just keep asking god to make it easier on me. i dont want to wake up with this stabbing pain everyday for my life. it just feels like it doensnt get any easier. its been a downhill battle of sadness that i fight everyday. people say im doing so good and they are really proud of me because i live life and make the best of it all the time but deep down imdying.

hope you are smiling a little.

love steph

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Hi Steph, Simone and Gail,  I hope everyone is hanging in there.  I have to tell you Gale, one of Justin's signs is a rainbow also.  Listen to this:  the first night of Justin's wake, my husband said "Justin, you need to give us a sign, a good one."  Well, there were hundreds and hudreds of people during the calling hours, and a line around the funeral home.  I noticed people were starting to hug me and they were all wet.  Then somebody came to me and said, there is the most beautiful double rainbow outside, and they took a picture of it on their phone.  Everyone kept talking about the rainbow, and that it was sent from Justin.  The night was very, very hard.  As soon as I walked in through the door of my house, I remembered something.  I ran upstairs, and in my pajama drawer, with my pjs, I had kept a picture Justin colored of a rainbow.  He colored it right after my Mother died, he was 5 years old and very close to her.  Each year when I would clean out the drawer, I just looked at the picture, and kept it, and the poem "Safely Home" in that drawer with my pajamas.  I thought it was what Justin thought Heaven was like, and where my Mother was.  Little did I know that 12 years later, that drawing would have so much meaning, more than I ever could have imagined.  I've framed it with some of Justin's things.  A few weeks later, my younger son Ryan was playing football, as you guys know, Justin was also a football "star".  My husband asked Justin to help Ryan run the ball like he did.  Well, Ryan scored the one and only touchdown, and about 2 minutes later, a beautiful double rainbow appeared.  It stayed for about an hour.  We even pulled the car over on the side of the road on the way home after the game and took pictures of it.  I feel like Justin sends me so many signs, and I really don't care who thinks I'm crazy, and if this is how I have to get through my days then so be it.

Gail, I don't think we've "met," but I just had to let you know my rainbow story.  Today my daughter asked me if all of you guys on this website were my new friends, and I said, "yes" and she looked at me as if she couldn't understand how I could so easily pour out my feelings to people I don't even know.  The thing she doesn't understand is the depth of my pain, and that you all feel it too.  Yes she's lost her brother, but she is a young adult, just beginning life, with so much to look forward to.  She is very, very strong, and very wise for her 18 years.

OK.  I've rambled on again.  Hope tomorrow is better for all of you.  Steph, Justin's friends did a thing on facebook for him.  You can look at that if you like, and if you are a facebook member, which you probably are.  Its Justin Wagner #45 this year's for you.  So many people wrote stuff on there, it is a way to get to know Justin beside the website.  Sleep tight, another day over!!   love and peace to all,   Trish

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Trish,

I tried typing in the thing on facebook for Justin and it isnt coming up =/

did you talk to your daughter about me talking to her? i would love to.

otherwise, im feeling pretty crappy right now, but its because im by myself in my house (where my mom passed away). its real difficult. i haven't cried in so long and i feel it coming soon. i need a good cry, because im always hiding my feels and telling everyone im fine when im not, im not fine. i agree with you, everyone on here have become close ina  unique way. we understand eachother and are going through a lot of the similar feelings. how is your daughter handling it? is she being strong?

im going to try and read some and then sleep. tomorrow im going out with dad for a new years eve with friends of the family and stuff. should be fun.. just really miss mom a lot. it is never any fun without her anymore. all i want is a hug =/

hope you are hanging in there. what state do u live in? is there a time difference?

love steph

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solemate   

Dear Trish  - thank you for sharing your personal story of the rainbows - you are not crazy - very normal! - I have rainbow symbols to remind me of both my parents - Mum at one end and Dad at the other. being from Irish background they were always looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  Up until their deaths, I had never seen a double rainbow and didnt even know that they existed.  How lovely for you to have the memory of Justin's drawing and the signifigance of the symbol.  Thank you also for considering all of us to be your friends - I too feel this way and feel it is much easier at times to speak on these boards than to burdeon our partners, family and friends with our grief and emotions.  Justin is a fine looking young man and I know from your postings that you were very proud of him. No doubt you loved him very much and now cherish his memories close to your heart.  I thought I was OK today until I had to deal with a small issue - I lost it for a moment and ended up in tears.  I guess the pain for me is still very raw and events like Christmas and the new year are painfull reminders of my loss.  I am glad that Steph is on the boards and posting lots of messages, I hope that she finds a connection that can help her.  Trish I have a daughter who is 23 years (but acts 18 yrs!) I sometimes wonder how the loss of her grandparents have affected her - she keeps to herself and doesnt speak about it much.  Does your daughter speak about the loss of her brother?  - My sincere wishes for all on the boards and hope that the new year will be much kinder to all of us.  Gayle

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jordansproud mom,

im thinking of you today. try and stay strong! im trying too its real hard. im going out to dinner tonight with friends/family and everyone has their mom and i dont. it doesnt seem fair at all! im just real quiet and stuff today.. feeling a bit crappy.

i hope you are feeling somewhat decent i am thinking about you

with love steph

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Well, the holidays are almost OVER and DONE WITH and all I can say is HALLELUJAH and PRAISE BE!!! Thankgiving was bad enough but Christmas Eve I was ready to take a LONG walk off of a VERY SHORT pier! Mom and I always celebrated at my sister's house in the city. She got bronchitis this year and called it off ... My first holiday without Mom and I had NO PLACE to go. IT SUCKED! I went to a friend's house in the morning and helped her decorate gingerbread houses. Then I went to the cemetery and cried to Mom and Dad about how much I missed them both. Then I went home and cried some more ... basically from about 6:30 - 11:30 PM when I FINALLY got to sleep. It was the worst Christmas Eve of my entire life!

THANK HEAVENS Christmas day was better. I spent it with my sister in the country, and her husband and 4 of her 6 children, and all 5 of her grandchildren. FINALLY something felt SORTA "normal" during these stupid holidays! There I was with Diane and her family, just like we were EVERY Christmas for YEARS ... BUT ... There was no Mom ... and that was SO HARD ... but not just on me ... I could see it on Diane's face, too ... AND when the grandchildren talked about Mom's homemade ravioli that we have every Christmas ... We ALL miss her so very, very much ...

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New years Eve 2 yrs ago  I spent in the hopital with my Lindsey and 1 of her best girl firends was there until after midnight, it was 1/2 normal with Lindsey feeling,well probably pushing herself to make small talk, New Years Day turned bad, and in the very early hours of Jan 3, 2006 we got I call that my 43 yr old brother had passed away, Lindsey myself and my husband her father  cried together over the loss, to make a Long sad story short my Lindsey left us on Jan 3, (22 hrs after my brother had gone)...My sons wife was at another hospital giving birth to their son our 1st grandchild) He was born Jan. 4, 2006 12 hrs after Lindsey had gone. Jan2, my baby brother,  Jan 3, My precious baby girl(22)..Jan 4, our sweet grandson....In 34 hrs time i lost my brother my daughter and became a grandmother.   My mom passed on July 3 of this year which is also our 31st wedding anniversay, and we put our 12 yr old dalmation to sleep 5 days ago on Dec 26, which is 2 days short of what would be my other brothers 50th birthday, had he not left us in 08/82 at the young age of 24.....I am so overwhelmed with grief , as are we all here...but honestly I have Loved and Lost...and I am lost ....Peace to you all . Life is so hard, I hope I can continue to struggle along....and pray that you all find peace and comfort as we enter into the New Year......

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solemate   

Dear Lindseysmum - I am so sorry for your losses - I just want to send you a big hug through this post - I cannot image the depth of your losses.  I have nothing but respect for you and admire the strength you have in posting such personal events.  I lost both my parents on the one day 9 mths ago - car accident Dad instantly - several hours later I agreed to turn off my mum's life support system - I also lost my mother-in-law and father-in-law and nephew the previous 2 years.  That is not to mention the many other deaths that I have been touched with.  I hope that 2008 will bring you some peace  - I found this poem and hope you enjoy it. Gayle

The Challenge of life

Everyone has a purpose in life, whether being a mother, father, husband or wife, some people choose a different way, but tomorrow always brings a fresh new day.

So no matter how down and depressed you feel, always remember, all wounds if nurtured, heal. For courage must be what fills your heart, Your outlook on life very smart.

All your talents you mustn't waste, throwing them away in angered haste, instead, take a deep breath and force a smile, concentrate on things worthwhile.

Open up your soul and close your eyes, god will hear your inner cries, if you have belief in yourself, it will surely lead to love and wealth.

You have nothing to lose and all to gain, so please let go of your torture and pain, although in flesh we're not always there, know that we love you and really do care.

Hold your head up high and strong, we all have a place in life we belong, friendship and family are what life's about, forever believing in you and having no doubt.

So if ever you're feeling a little confused, about which direction is better used, just read this poem to yourself and believe, there is no limit to what you can achieve.

This poem was written by a friend of mine to help get through hard times.

Gayle

 

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I had a hard time tonight thinking about a new year without my Joshua. Every plan we make for this year has a huge hole in it. The best I could do for a toast with my living children was to say, "may this coming year be better then the last." My son Jacob asked me why I said that. I told him it was because we had a really hard year and I am hoping we will have much better memories from this year then the last.

This time last year I could never have imagined Joshua wouldn't be here. This has been the worst year of my life. And here is the time to leave this year and venture into a new one. I would think I would gladly leave all the pain behind and yet I feel so ambivalent about going into a new year without him. This year will not build any new memories with him. This year I am leaving him behind and I have to go forward. It is hard to imagine this could be a good year. I have no excitment about it. No desire to make it better. Because it isn't better and can't be without Joshua. Last year was the worst year but I feel this one will be worse because at least I had him for part of last year. He won't be here at all this year. To look forwards to the future means I have to look away from the past. And doing that leaves him behind. I hate it. I have so much to be thankful for and greatful for. And I am. Especially each of my living children. But I still don't feel that this "new year" is a good year

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rodless   

Wyomingsal, you expressed the way I felt last year at this time looking at 1/1/07 and knowing my husband would not be there to share it with. It is hard to be grateful for blessings we have when we are grieving for someone who is absent from our life. I hope you find some healing in the new year. It takes time (I hated it when people told me that, but it's true) and a lot of hard work and tears. Mary Jo

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Sal, I too felt EXACTLY the same when 2007 rolled around for me--those exact feelings and thoughts.  2007 was a tough year of hard work in grief and healing, but to shed some hope, 2008 began much lighter and happier for me.  A lot of healing has come through the past year, as difficult as it was.  But Mary Jo is right, as we journey onward, we do find healing, comfort, growing peace and such along the way.  We will always miss our loved ones and grieve throughout our lives--especially during special days and moments when we will feel their absence even stronger still.  Don't give up hope that you will come through to the other side of this dark valley, and the sun will shine again.  It may be tiny spots of sunshine at first and for a while.  But in time, the clouds do disappear for longer periods of time.  :)  Blessings of hope and peace be yours, Claudia

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The past couple of days have been okay. Sometimes I feel numb. It's not that I don't miss Jordan...it just seems that I can't cry or break. But all of the sudden I will have a moment and cry and mourn. Tomorrow (Jan. 2nd) is Jordan's birthday. I can hardly believe he isn't here for his own birthday. It's surreal. I have plans to bake a cake with his best friend and to place balloons and birthday candles on his grave. She also brought some sand back from Hawaii for him. I need to find a new box for letters for him. I placed one there but it's very Christmas like.  I have missed all of you. I am so thankful for this site. You all truly know my pain and I never feel alone after I visit here. I hope this finds everyone looking towards a new year and healing for us all.

My love,

Simone

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missmike   

I am so sorry to read about everyones loss.  I had no idea how many people experience this horrible pain.  It is a horrible experience and I am trying to figure out why it happens and why we have to suffer so much?

I know how you feel, I lost my fiance and I do not know what I am going to do.  I found him in the mid morning on Friday October 5 2007 on our couch and I went crazy.  I called 911 and was hysterical and tried everything I could and he was gone.  When they showed up they new he had been gone for quit awhile. 

He was my life and I do not want to be here without him.  I am in bed everyday and do not want to go anywhere or be with anyone and at the same time I know this is not good for me.  But what else do you do?  I cry alot and I am tired of all the hurt.

I have tried to slept through the Holidays so I have been in bed alot and do not want to leave my room.  My friends never call to see how I am doing, his family as completely shut me out so I am pretty much on my own besides what I have found here.

I have been reading the articles for awhile and they do seem to help.  I do not know how long I can continue through this pain and loniless, I do not know what to do?  I own my own business and cannot even concentrate enough to get work done so I am afraid I am going to loose business.  Is there anything I can do, I need to change something somehow but do not know how or what to do?

Michelle

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