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kelly

Coping with the Holidays

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I am single mom who just lost my son Jordan on 10/20/07. I know how you feel. I have a 15 yr old son but he lives with his dad. It's very hard for me at times. It's lonely and quiet in my apartment. I leave the TV on most of the time. I do have a good support system with family and friends. But, nothing compares to that bond we shared with our Mom and son.  Jordan was my best friend too.  I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better. But, try your hardest to remember all of the love your mom and you had and let that be the thing that helps you push through the holidays.

 

 

[user=18910]chicagogina[/user] wrote:

Well, this is my first Christmas as a 100% orphan ... My Daddy died when I was only 13 and then it was Momma and I for the rest of my life! I never married, never had kids. My life was wrapped up in Mom's and hers was wrapped up in mine. We were BEST FRIENDS who just did everything TOGETHER! She died on September 20th, almost 3 months ago, so the emotions are VERY RAW and VERY close to the surface right now. I find myself missing her CONSTANTLY and crying ALL THE TIME.  I know the loss is still new but I just can't even BEAR the thought of life without her, let alone this first Christmas. I am finding just how LONELY the holidays can truly be and how much this grieving stuff TRULY BITES!!!

Thankfully, I DO have 2 sisters in the area ... one 12 miles away and another 67miles away ... but they are busy with their own lives and children and significant others. I, on the other hand, have NO ONE and, like I said ... IT JUST BITES!

Frankly, I can not wait for all of these "firsts," especially the first Christmas to just be done and OVER WITH already!

Thanks for listening ...

Gina

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alex329   

HEY THERE.............GAYLE YOU TOOK THE WORDS RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WORD FOR WORD..........IM GOING THRU THE MOTIONS SOMEHOW BUT I HAVE NO INTEREST WHAT SO EVER IN XMAS..............BUT MY SON IS 11 AND I HAVE TO GO ON FOR HIM................I HAVENT EVEN BEGUN TO SHOP,I HAVE NO DESIRE TO DO ANY SHOPPING.......................I GUESS I WILL HAVE TO NEXT WEEK AT SOME POINT........................IM AT A LOSS RIGHT NOW...............MY DAD DIED DEC 26TH AFTER COLLASPING ON THE 23RD FROM A BAIN ANURISM,WE KEP HIM ALIVE UNTIL MY BROTHER GOT RUSHED HOME FROM KUWAIT...........AND WE TOOK HIM OFF LIFE SUPPORT ON XMAS NIGHT...TO BE WITH HIS MOM AND DAD............HE DIDNT PASS UNTIL THE DAY AFTER XMAS LIKE I BEGGED FOR ,ME AND MY SON.................PLEASE DO NOT DIE ON XMAS DAD.................AND HE DIDNT................BUT THIS IS THE WORST HOLIDAY OF MY WHOLE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FEEL LIKE I AM BACK AT DEC 06 AND RELIVING IT ALL OVER AGAIN......................IM SICK..............AND VERY SAD...............I GUESS I WILL BE OK AFTER THE FIRST OF THE YEAR.....................I AM SO HOPING I WILL BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NITE ALL............TAKE CARE .............TARA

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dollface   

Tara:

I guess I didn't know you went through all of this over Christmas.  I understand why it must be so hard for you.  The firsts are hard for everyone--but you have 2 "firsts" at the same time.  Just remember to breath through the day.  Let the light in your sons eyes on Christmas morning shine through you.  It'll be hard for him too, but together, you will make it through.  Talk about your dear father on Christmas with each other.  Yes, you will probably loose it, but in the end it will make you feel better than keeping it all in.

Our fathers are all spending Christmas with Jesus this year.  They are with their family members that went before them (they get to see their mothers and fathers that they haven't spent the holidays with for years).  And they are with us, watching us and sending their warm loving hugs to us from afar.  We will see them again, and until then, keep them in your heart, talk out loud to them, and let them know how much they are still loved.

Merry Christmas Daddy!!!!!!!!    

I love you!

Tracy

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Chicago gina I am the new guy here and I would like to say  as being the new guy here I noticed one thing none of us are alone we are all here for each other  we each have suffered  a great lost be it mother father daughter  or son we  have all lost something we loved very much  but we all have the strength to make it threw the hoildays, we can do it , sure its going to hurt but we all can make it threw if we just know that there are folks out there who care cause they are feeling the same way you are, Chicagogina  you are not alone  weare here just reach out   we are here

Byron

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carlac   

Christmas is so hard this year. My husband Paul passed on July 7th, 2007 and the last two months have been horrible. November 1st was his birthday, november 4th was mine, thanksgiving and then on November 26th it would have been our 36th wedding anniversary.  The tears have been really falling. 

 Christmas was Pauls holiday. He put a tree in every room of our house and he decorated the outside with so many lights that noone in the neighborhood had to have a light on in their homes because of the reflection from ours. 

My son and his family and Paul and I lived only a few doors down from each other. Before Paul passed we had a long talk about life without him and I told him I couldn't live in our home without him. Our house is so big and is a trii level. Paul suggest that our son and his family  exchange homes so we did. It has been easier in a way but it is so lonely with winter here that I am still  staying with our daughter and her family. Our daughter has 3 children and is expecting a shocking surprise that is due on July 7th, 2008. What a shock that it is due on the year aniversary of Pauls passing. We feel this is a real gift from God.

Thank you for letting me ramble on today and I will talk to you all later.

God Bless

Carla

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solemate   

Dear Carla - I am so sorry for your loss, I feel your pain and wish I could reach out and give you a big hug. I lost both my parents on the same day in March this year and my tears still keep falling also.  Since their deaths, I too have had all the anniversaries of birthdays, mother/fathers day etc and this will be the last one - Christmas Day.  I too have a Paul that puts up lights for me and has been such a wonderful person that I cannot imagine life without him.  You are very lucky to have such wonderful children close to you.  I have a son and daughter also.  Life deals out unfair blows and in return rewards up with the wonder of life.  How wonderful for you all that a new life is to come into this world around the time of your partners passing.  "Never miss a rainbow because your looking down" I notice you are awake late - Im awake early - we both need sleep! - Please take care of yourself and be kind through these difficult times - to all on the boards I wish you peace for this seasons Christmas holiday, I know we will all have a difficult time. Gayle :)

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mikesmum   

Mike, 

Well its Christmas and since you have been gone I find any celebration difficult.  Tomorrow (23rd) is our chosen day for Christmas Dinner this year.  Steven Kelly Melissa Jeremy Emily Zak Caleb Jeya Bill Ann and Jess will be here.......Memories of last year flood back as I move furniture to accomodate the extended table.  Your guitar is here, but there will be no one to play, you took your music with you.

I remember as a child you would wake anywhere between 3-4am.  Grandpa would usually hear you first, being sure not to let you see the tree and all the gifts, he would lead you gentle back to bed.

As you grew older you never out grew the early start.  Adolescence and the growing years changed all that.  At one time Family Christmas dinners were a chore where you seemed to tolerate the clan and then dash off to be with Lauren.

The tables turned when you started your own traditions.  Early breakfast & Cocktails Christmas morning with Lauren and her family followed by the whole traditional Christmas lunch with us.  Christmas lunch seemed to go so much easier after those brunches.

The rift with you and Steven made Christmas a tense time, but you both always made the effort and came together. Two boys (men) so alike, so stubborn, never knew where you got that from.....

2006 was the biggest effort.  I know things were difficult with a new partner and small child, but differences aside, we came together.  It truly was  the best present I could ever have.......My three beautiful children together with all the grandbabies.......It was to mean to much more after Jan 18th 07.

This Christmas Mike, we will be here, missing you, knowing our lives will never be the same, but never ever forgetting how you have impacted on each and everyone of us through being in our lives.

I light a candle for you my son, it burns here and sends love and light to where ever you may be. 

I love you my son , my son, you are my light, my life.....

Love ya, Mum

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Trudy, Tears fall as I read your letter to Mike.  I am trying so hard to try to stay upbeat through out this.  I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and in my prayers.  I know that we've not spoken in a while, but I still watch for your post because it seems that you continue to touch so many thoughts and emotions that I feel.  I hope that you feel Mike with you today as you go through your family celebrations.  Peace and blessings, Jackie

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mikesmum   

Jackie, Many thanks for the kind words and thoughts.  I strive to hold onto the positives within my life to embrace those days where the sunshine warms my heart and soul. But there are days as I am sure you will be aware, that just take the breath from you and the walls fall in.

I wish you and your family warm memories to share sprinkled with tears and laughter as you celebrate your holidays. 

You too are always in my thoughts, I wonder how you are doing on your journey.....

Blessed be

Trudi

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solemate   

Christmas is coming to an end for me - its 20past 10pm and I am emotionly exhausted - Its been a huge day filled with mixed emotions.  My Mum and Dad should have been here with me and my family, instead there were 3 - we all tried hard to see some joy in the day however lots of tears and empty hearts.  It just wasnt the same and I guess it never will be any more.  I dont want to ever have to go through that again.  I have up most respect for anyone who is able to cope with these anniversaries.  I know I failed - I normally go to so much trouble to make the day special -  this year was OK but I could have tried harder to make things special.  My husband had to work and my daughter left to go with friends, That just left me and my tears.  I thought of going to church, but it didnt seem right.  I am just a blank feeling so sad and worn out.  Hopefully tomorrow will bring a new rainbow for me.  I sincerely hope other people have a better time.  Take care and hugs from Australia - Gayle :D

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hi solemate,

i'm 17 and lost my mom last year. this is the second christmas without her and im miserable. its 1 p.m. here and i want the day to go by fast because i cant take it without mom. i feel so lonely and i just want to sleep the day away. This sucks, and i dont have a big family its just my dad, aunt, and cousin. so i understand where u are coming from. im so young and my life has been turned into this. :(

i just want her back. i dont think thats too much to ask for. i hate the fact that im sitting here on xmas day miserable while all my friends are having the times of their lives. christmas WAS my favorite holiday but now i hate it!

hope you are holding up.

steph

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laquinn   

I am so sorry that today is so bad for u. I lost my mom when I was 15. And I remember all the good times that we had. I lost my dad just last yearin May.  My grandmother died in Dec of last year two days before Christmas. Now this year I have lost the love of my life after 27 years with him. So yes this year has been the worst one that I can remember ever having.

My two boys, their wives,and my three grandsons where here last night with me and we all cried just because their dad my husband won't be with us anymore and it was just not the same and it never will be again. And yes I want him back with us so bad that all I do is cry. And then to top it all off I woke up sick today yuck!

Try to remember all the good times u had with your mom and that might help today. Maybe go for a walk just for a little peace for yourself. I have a good friend that tells me to be good to myself and just remember what I had with him. So you do the same be good to yourself and just remember all the good things you had with your mother.

Lela

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thank you for the reply!

its just sooo hard. its no fun without mom and i wish i could just sleep through it. did you struggle at my age without mom around?

im  a mess but no tears yet. im a very strong girl ive been through alot and so have u. and it made me a lot stronger. but i have teared up a few times today.

how are u doing today?

steph

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laquinn   

Steph

When my mom was killed in a car accident I still had 2 younger brothers that were at home. So I became the person that cooked, cleaned, did laundry, what ever had to be done. My dad choose to be gone everynight so I was the one left in charge, yes it was a very rough time for me. And yes as I was getting older I had a real hard time being aroung my dad so when I turned 18 I moved out but after I had done that we became closer. I still went to school everyday worked and had my own appartment. But as the years went on I was able to tallk to my dad more and we got along pretty good. He really liked my husband and now I guess they are up there talking stories about the town we lived in. My husband was a police officer and my dad used to like taliking to him about different things that were going on. Sometime I resented the fact that I had to grow up so fast but now I would not (if I could have ) have changed a thing.

If you ever need to talk look for me Steph I would love to try to get you through this. And just maybe you can help me out too.

Lela

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hello.

thanks so much. my mom had cancer for 4 years and was very sick. I had a lot of family problems at the time too so that didnt make it any easier. unfortuntly i have no siblings which sometimes makes it harder. im very mature for my age because  have been through a traumatic event. I tend to get along with adults better because kids my age arent mature. they dont know what problems are. She died September of 06 so this is my second xmas without her. this year however, seems sooo much harder than last because i was so numb last year. i hate that im 17 and cant enjoy my life as any other kid.

the hardest thing is that people think i should be fine and back to normal but the pain is only intensing. the fact that im graduating and off to college with mom breaks my heart. i pretend all the time that I'm fine but deep down im suffering and lately i cant pretend anymore. sometimes I just feel so alone because no one wants to really be bothered with it anymore. its old news they are back to their regular lives, and im suppost to be too. well thats what they think. i have sooo many friends and teachers who love me but when it comes to this subject they try and change the subject because they hate seeing me sad but what they dont know is that only makes me feel worse.

im feeling a little better now. but not great at all. it feels like there is no christmas anymore. do you still have bad days over your mom? i dont cry a lot and that makes me feel bad, but my counseler( i see her once a week) tells me that im still numb and i believe her because im more emotional this year than last, but im very depressed. i dont understand why i cant talk to my mom, hold my moms hand, anything i would kill for one more minute with her. i'm so sad however, i have a lot of love around me. i have an amazing father who loves me dearly. and im very appreciative of him. i couldnt ask for a better father. but having him doesnt make the grieving over mom any less.

im just a young teenage girl wishing her mom was here.

how are u feeling right now? you ok? i hope you are staying strong. thanks for helping me i will def take your offer. and  we can help eachother, i talk like an adult so talk to me anytime. i love this site because it makes me feel like im not alone in the world.

steph

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laquinn   

Steph

Sorry I did not get back to u yesterday had to take some meds and lay down this cold is really kickin my butt.

I am doing ok today. I spent alot of time by myself yesterday and talked to my husband alot. When ever I would get sick he would take care of me so right now I am missing him alot but I will get through it. When my mom was killed my dad and I did not get along all that well  but like I said after I moved out we started to get along and we did until he passed which was 29 years and a day after my mom.

I know the feeling when people think u should be able to move on forget about the person that u lost. But u are the only one that knows when it is time to stop greiving and move forward. Don't let anyone take that away from u! I have a very good friend that I work for and last Friday was one of my bad days. I woke up cryin and just could not stop. I went to work and that was a disaster. I  had to stay over cause we were busy, when I finally got to leave I did not get to talk to my friend but he called me and asked if I was allright all I could do was tell him it was a bad day u know what he told me? U are entitled to them and don't let anyone tell u otherwise so I am passing this on to u. Be good to yourself I am here if u need to talk. But I do have to work later today.

try to enjoy the rest of the holiday

Lela  

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thanks. i try and not let that bother me but its hard. when people tell me i should be fine by now it makes me feel worse. im thinking about joining a support group i think it will help in a huge way. feeling like this is horrible im always sad but cant really cry. im so numb. every day no matter what im doing im thinking about how much i really miss her.it sucks not having her around everyday. i have a few good people in my life. mostly teachers who have been there for me through the thick and thin of the situation. but i dont have much of a family and the ones i do just dont let me really be upset over her they try and change the subject all the time.

im soo lost and confused, scared. will this ever pass where im able to truly enjoy life the way i used to. i dont want to feel depressed forever but i know i went through a depressing and traumatic thing. i just want her back =/

everytime i think im okay i get down in the dumps again. i dont know what i would do if it wasnt for therapy because other people dont want to hear it anymore. they have no idea what it is. do u still get depressed over your mothers death? i dont enjoy anything like i used to its soo sad.

how u feelig?

steph

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I guess because you are the same age as my son...I felt I could write to you. With me it is the opposite. My son was killed 10/20/07. This was my first Christmas without him. Yes, I made it through but there were so many times I just sat back and felt that finality. He is gone. I can't bring him back but  my God it feels horrible to move forward.  I used to love Christmas too. But, this year I could care less. I just wanted it to be OVER already! For us we sit and feel the worst kind of pain for our loved ones who have gone. While the world keeps spinning and all of my friends and family just enjoy their holidays. I do have a relationship with Jordan still. It's a different kind of relationship.  I hope by my second Christmas the pain will be a little less harsh. Somehow I don't think it will. Because my son and your mom are gone it doesn't mean they leave us all together. They left all of their love with us and they took all of our love with them.  There is hope. Steph we will be happy again someday.  You will have a future and all of those things with experience over the coming years you will still make your mom proud.  The same with me. When I feel like just crying and staying in bed and being sad...I think about how mad Jordan would be if he knew. He would tell me get up mom...go out and live.  I am praying that you find peace today. I am always here if you need to talk.

 

[user=18056]stephysteph13[/user] wrote:

hi solemate,

i'm 17 and lost my mom last year. this is the second christmas without her and im miserable. its 1 p.m. here and i want the day to go by fast because i cant take it without mom. i feel so lonely and i just want to sleep the day away. This sucks, and i dont have a big family its just my dad, aunt, and cousin. so i understand where u are coming from. im so young and my life has been turned into this. :(

i just want her back. i dont think thats too much to ask for. i hate the fact that im sitting here on xmas day miserable while all my friends are having the times of their lives. christmas WAS my favorite holiday but now i hate it!

hope you are holding up.

steph

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jordansproudmom,

thanks for replying. yeah im struggling real bad, but im also very strong. its a long, tough struggle, and to be honest with u it gets harder before it gets easier. i cant even imagine your pain. was he your only child? what happened?

im struggling mostly because im so young and i need a mother. i cant imagine the rest of my life without her and i hate the fact that people think i should be fine by now. the more time that passes people get less and less supportive. its a real tough thing, but ive learned to kind of live with it because otherwise it eats me up inside. ive been through so much for my age that im very mature and i tend to get along with adults better because kids my age have no idea how "tough" life can get until they expierence something traumatic. iwouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. its the worst pain imaginable. i dont cry a lot but i have frequent breakdowns which are caused by something that triggers it. its hard for me to cry because im so numb and i cried soo much when she was sick. she was sick for 4 years.

ive never felt so alone, scared, tomove on. it sounds unrealistic that i have to live life without mom for the rest of my life. its terrible. im so depressed and no one understands this website has found me such support.

im always here. how u feeling?

steph

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Hi Steph, i too just read your post, and had a need to reply to you.  Like Jordan's Mom, my son Justin was also 17, and killed this past August in a car accident.  I do have an 18 year old daughter, and a 14 year old son.  My daughter is very strong, and a very good friend.  If you ever need a compassionate friend to understand loss, I am sure she would love to talk with you.  I do have to tell you that my Mom died, 12 years ago.  I was much older than you, but until this past August, I thought there could be no worse pain in this world than when a daughter loses her mother. She was only 62, and my best friend.  I feel your pain, and I understand your loneliness.  Please keep posting, even if you have to talk to us on the "loss of a teenager" post, we will be here for you.  I speak for all of us Moms who ache for their beloved children.  You have your life ahead of you, the best is yet to come, and your Mom is very, very proud of you, I am sure.  My daughter created a website for Justin, if you would like to see it.  It's www.JustinScottWagnerMemorialFund.com.  The video takes about 4 mins. to download, but it's nice.  Our e-mails are on there too, if you decide you would like to e-mail myself or my daughter.

Sending love to you.   Trish

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thanks for your reply. and im very sorry for your son :( his memorial site is very sweet i checked it out this morning when i woke up. im struggling so bad with the loss of my mom i feel as if nothing can help. its hard too when you have people telling you that you should be fine by now. she only died in septemeber of 06 so its been a little over a year. im depressed, and i just dont really know how to go on without her. lately i have kept the grieving to myself except for this website, because no one understands unless they have been through it. everyone looks at me and tells me how strong i am for what i went through, but deep down i feel like the strongness is breaking. i have no siblings either which tends to make it a bit harder on me, because there is no one who lost my mom the same way. today is a horrible day for me because i dont have plans and usually im always out because when im by myself i think more and i become depressed. i just havent felt truly happy in a long time and it sucks but people always say things that just make it worse. i wish when people say it gets easier it does, but it really doesnt for me. this year has been by far so much worse than last year. it has sunk in more, and now i really understand the fact that she isnt coming back. ive been struggling more and more with it. i do attend counseling once a week which is the best thing ive ever done for myself. i highly recommend it if you dont go already. its  aplace to just cry scream talk etc. and a place where she doesnt judge you or tell you how u should be feeling when she has bother her parents and her kids. its a beneficial thing.

yeah i would love to talk with your daughter. even though its a different loss we are at the same age and are going to have a lot of the same feelings on grief. its a tough tough situation and we can help eachother out. :)

thanks for replying i really appreciate you trying to help, and remember im here to talk too.

how are u doing?

steph

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Hi Steph,

Today we went to court again. Only to have it postponed once more! It just keeps getting dragged out. Ugh!

No one can tell you how to grieve sweetie. And there is no time limit as to when you will feel better. You are taking the right steps. Counseling is huge! I have only been to one session but I know it's going to help. There might be some type of grief group in your area geared towards teens. Maybe do a web search.  People say the stupidest things. They have no clue what we're going through. If it happens to them they would have a different prespective.  My boss basically told me to stop talking about Jordan so much last week. I wanted to choke her. It hurt my feelings so bad. I like talking about him! It helps me feel better. In fact tell me about your mom Steph. What was she like? What were her favorite things? Favorite memory of you and her together. When you're ready to post pics that's good too. I would love to see her. It's hard not to get stuck in your sadness. But Jordan would want us to move forward...never forgeting but LIVING in honor of him. The same goes for your mom...I am sure. Steph...we're going to be happy again someday. I promise.  Hope you're doing well today. 

with love,

Simone

 

[user=18056]stephysteph13[/user] wrote:

thanks for your reply. and im very sorry for your son :( his memorial site is very sweet i checked it out this morning when i woke up. im struggling so bad with the loss of my mom i feel as if nothing can help. its hard too when you have people telling you that you should be fine by now. she only died in septemeber of 06 so its been a little over a year. im depressed, and i just dont really know how to go on without her. lately i have kept the grieving to myself except for this website, because no one understands unless they have been through it. everyone looks at me and tells me how strong i am for what i went through, but deep down i feel like the strongness is breaking. i have no siblings either which tends to make it a bit harder on me, because there is no one who lost my mom the same way. today is a horrible day for me because i dont have plans and usually im always out because when im by myself i think more and i become depressed. i just havent felt truly happy in a long time and it sucks but people always say things that just make it worse. i wish when people say it gets easier it does, but it really doesnt for me. this year has been by far so much worse than last year. it has sunk in more, and now i really understand the fact that she isnt coming back. ive been struggling more and more with it. i do attend counseling once a week which is the best thing ive ever done for myself. i highly recommend it if you dont go already. its  aplace to just cry scream talk etc. and a place where she doesnt judge you or tell you how u should be feeling when she has bother her parents and her kids. its a beneficial thing.

yeah i would love to talk with your daughter. even though its a different loss we are at the same age and are going to have a lot of the same feelings on grief. its a tough tough situation and we can help eachother out. :)

thanks for replying i really appreciate you trying to help, and remember im here to talk too.

how are u doing?

steph

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Everytime I look at Justin's page I see that pic with your dog at the grave. I need to take my dog Harley to Jordan's too.  We are still waiting for his headstone to come in. Taking forever! It's weird...I can go out to the cemetary once a week but I can't bear to drive past it. I hope you're having a good day.

 

[user=18188]loveyoujustin[/user] wrote:

Hi Steph, i too just read your post, and had a need to reply to you.  Like Jordan's Mom, my son Justin was also 17, and killed this past August in a car accident.  I do have an 18 year old daughter, and a 14 year old son.  My daughter is very strong, and a very good friend.  If you ever need a compassionate friend to understand loss, I am sure she would love to talk with you.  I do have to tell you that my Mom died, 12 years ago.  I was much older than you, but until this past August, I thought there could be no worse pain in this world than when a daughter loses her mother. She was only 62, and my best friend.  I feel your pain, and I understand your loneliness.  Please keep posting, even if you have to talk to us on the "loss of a teenager" post, we will be here for you.  I speak for all of us Moms who ache for their beloved children.  You have your life ahead of you, the best is yet to come, and your Mom is very, very proud of you, I am sure.  My daughter created a website for Justin, if you would like to see it.  It's http://www.JustinScottWagnerMemorialFund.com.  The video takes about 4 mins. to download, but it's nice.  Our e-mails are on there too, if you decide you would like to e-mail myself or my daughter.

Sending love to you.   Trish

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hi, i feel so alone its bad. no one wants to hear it anymore or they keep telling me dont worry it will get easier. i lost my mom, ill never have that mother daughter relationship ever again. its not like we wake up everyday and say to ourselves i want to feel like crap today, we just do. do they seriously think that im 17 and i want to feel miserable when i should be having some of the best times. its hard, i just feel so alone, and wanting my mom. people keep telling me life is too short enjoy life! what the heck is that suppost to mean i lost my mother im not complaining about something foolish. death is a serious, meaningful word. its something i wish can just be erased but it cant. here i am its almost 11 at night and im pondering about graduation, prom, wedding, kids etc without her and its horrible to know she isnt here or ever going to be here to share these happy things with me. me and my mom were very close we always used to watch movies, take walks, and just play cards and talk. i was a mommys girl and i know she is so proud of me, but i wish she was here to tell me that. she loved the flintstones, our whole basement was filled with them. :) she was a tough, but extremely loving mom and i miss her toughness, because i always looked at it as tough love. if i look back now i realize that everything we went through is extremely beneficial to me in my everyday life. to get through each day, i think about every piece of advice she had thrown me over the years. i wished i could have gone with her, because i dont want to live life without her but i will and im doing it for her! i just recently got accepted into Felician college for nursing. she wanted me to be a nurse, and yeah its extremely hard without her, but i know she will be soo proud of me when i become the nurse she always saw me as. its so sad that i remember the bad things about her life because she wasso sick for 4 years, and never was herself. im almost teary eyed writing this because its nice to have someone care about the situation and understand as much asu do. im tired of people in general they are always trying to pretend like they get how i feel. its not fair that anyone has to go through this, but i know this expierence is only going to make me stronger throughout life! and u will always be strong too! was he your only child? i feel as if the world was ripped out from underneath me, and the day she left my happiness went too. its a horrid feeling to be miserable all the time, but i just cant help it. i feel like i lost everything even though i have a million good people in my life. its just they dont want to hear it and try to avoid the subject. i understand they dont want to see me sad because it hurts them but i feel sad and thats not going to change for a while. i cant believe how shitty death makes a person feel, i never thought i would be this bad. i would kill for some of these "problems" that these teenagers complain about. if my hardest thing in life was ooo im single i would be soo happy. losing a mom is a problem i cant just let go of. i feel like i annoy people when i talk about it so i dont mention it at all anymore, and if i do its only to certain people. i hate when people say dont talk about her or dont dwell on it it pisses me off so much. like what your boss said to you i; i kinda had a similar expierence i take a creative writing class in school and i was writing a lot about my mom and getting all a's because it was a strong subject for me. and the last assigment i handed in she looked me in the eyes and said thats it change the subject i was real upset. that was real screwed up for her to say. ehhh im soo upset right now.

sorry for this being so long. thanks for listening! i really appreciate it! i wish we could meet one day :)

how are u feeling today?

love steph

[user=18802]jordansproudmom[/user] wrote:

Hi Steph,

Today we went to court again. Only to have it postponed once more! It just keeps getting dragged out. Ugh!

No one can tell you how to grieve sweetie. And there is no time limit as to when you will feel better. You are taking the right steps. Counseling is huge! I have only been to one session but I know it's going to help. There might be some type of grief group in your area geared towards teens. Maybe do a web search.  People say the stupidest things. They have no clue what we're going through. If it happens to them they would have a different prespective.  My boss basically told me to stop talking about Jordan so much last week. I wanted to choke her. It hurt my feelings so bad. I like talking about him! It helps me feel better. In fact tell me about your mom Steph. What was she like? What were her favorite things? Favorite memory of you and her together. When you're ready to post pics that's good too. I would love to see her. It's hard not to get stuck in your sadness. But Jordan would want us to move forward...never forgeting but LIVING in honor of him. The same goes for your mom...I am sure. Steph...we're going to be happy again someday. I promise.  Hope you're doing well today. 

with love,

Simone

 

[user=18056]stephysteph13[/user] wrote:

thanks for your reply. and im very sorry for your son :( his memorial site is very sweet i checked it out this morning when i woke up. im struggling so bad with the loss of my mom i feel as if nothing can help. its hard too when you have people telling you that you should be fine by now. she only died in septemeber of 06 so its been a little over a year. im depressed, and i just dont really know how to go on without her. lately i have kept the grieving to myself except for this website, because no one understands unless they have been through it. everyone looks at me and tells me how strong i am for what i went through, but deep down i feel like the strongness is breaking. i have no siblings either which tends to make it a bit harder on me, because there is no one who lost my mom the same way. today is a horrible day for me because i dont have plans and usually im always out because when im by myself i think more and i become depressed. i just havent felt truly happy in a long time and it sucks but people always say things that just make it worse. i wish when people say it gets easier it does, but it really doesnt for me. this year has been by far so much worse than last year. it has sunk in more, and now i really understand the fact that she isnt coming back. ive been struggling more and more with it. i do attend counseling once a week which is the best thing ive ever done for myself. i highly recommend it if you dont go already. its  aplace to just cry scream talk etc. and a place where she doesnt judge you or tell you how u should be feeling when she has bother her parents and her kids. its a beneficial thing.

yeah i would love to talk with your daughter. even though its a different loss we are at the same age and are going to have a lot of the same feelings on grief. its a tough tough situation and we can help eachother out. :)

thanks for replying i really appreciate you trying to help, and remember im here to talk too.

how are u doing?

steph

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