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kelly

Coping with the Holidays

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I wasn't going to buy a tree. I feel resentment for everyone who walks around happy and excited about Christmas. I know it's wrong. I just lost the most beautiful soul. I miss my son.  I guess I was being a Scrooge. But I just want the holidays to be over. I know God has been merciful to me to take Jordan before the holidays. We will have them all over and done with by the end of January. Jordan's birthday is 01/02. I am going through a court battle and that makes the full healing almost impossible. Some weeks we do not have court but the weeks we do  it seems so much harder. Today a vendor brought in a 9 ft beautiful Spruce. All of the sudden it clicked. We have no decorations at the office. So, I am going to use mine this year.  All of the sudden I didn't feel as hateful towards Christmas. I will be able to enjoy that beautiful tree and see the special ornaments my sons made me while they were growing up.  Wish I could go to sleep and wake up 5 years from now to avoid this pain. These first holidays are going to hurt. I will make it. The Lord will push me along.

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dollface   

Mofirefly:

I've noticed that too--that you are from MO.  I have seen you many times on the loss of father site.  You are a very well versed person who really seems to find warmth in helping other people cope.  This site thrives on people like you that keep posting positive messages.

What's your story?  It doesn't seem as though I've ever read you talking about yourself--just helping others.  Have you been coming here for a long time?  4 and a half years for me.  It helps so much to read how other people handle these hard times.

Meghan:

I too was 27 when I lost my father.  Much to young if you ask me.  He was a young 60 years old.  feel free to contact me.

Sometimes it helps to have very subtle honors to our lost loved ones.  I never want to make the other people in my family feel sad by talking about Daddy at family gatherings, so I simply wear his wedding ring on those days as a quiet tribute.  That's what gets me through the birthday parties, Thanksgiving and Christmas, just knowing that he is with me and showing him that I remember.

I hope you all take it easy this holiday season.  No, it's not easy, but it is do-able.  Don't be hard on yourself.  Your loved ones are with you every second.

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Dollface - Thank you for your kind words...I came on the boards Sept of 06 - one year after my mom was killed in an automobile accident, because I was feeling so very lost and had thought like many before me that things would be better after getting thru the firsts HA.  My dad passed away Feb 01 after fighting Parkinson's, which my husband was diagnosed with in 1999.  Dad's passing was more a relief than something that caused sorrow as he had fought for a long time.  Losing my mom was another thing altogether.  These boards have been a place to come to and release my inner feelings and also try to help others who are passing down this lonely road of grief.  What part of MO are you in - I'm near Springfield.  Hope you are gearing up for the holidays - they certainly cause a wide range of emotions.  Take care!

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Hi, this is my very first time on this site. I starting ready about the holidays. I just lost my husband on Oct 3rd, 2007. The holidays are really going to be bad for me and the grandchildren. He was killed in a motorcycle accident in front of our house. It is very hard to even walk out my front door. I have put a tree up, but crying the whole time, because that is something he did with the kids. The grandchildren did not want to decorate it, they said poppop is not here why bother. I don't know how I'm going to get thru this. I'm so lonely without him. Thanks for listening.

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I know how you feel.  You can try to think about it from both ways...positive....he would want you to decorate. And then you can just give in to the sadness and just not decorate. I feel torn between the two as well. I am going to do it for work. It's such a beautiful tree I would hate to see it just be here with no decorations. But, I almost hate seeing the Christmas stuff in the stores. It bothers me. You're going to get through this. Sometimes when I just want to lay down and give up...I remember what Jordan would want me to do. He was very selfless. He always worried about everyone else. The last thing he would want is for us to always be sad over him. If you ever need to talk. You can always write to me! I will listen to you!

Simone

 

 

[user=18822]tierley55[/user] wrote:

Hi, this is my very first time on this site. I starting ready about the holidays. I just lost my husband on Oct 3rd, 2007. The holidays are really going to be bad for me and the grandchildren. He was killed in a motorcycle accident in front of our house. It is very hard to even walk out my front door. I have put a tree up, but crying the whole time, because that is something he did with the kids. The grandchildren did not want to decorate it, they said poppop is not here why bother. I don't know how I'm going to get thru this. I'm so lonely without him. Thanks for listening.

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Simone,

Thank you so much for your reply. I meant alot to me. I so sorry about your son.  I don't know what it is like to lose a child, but if it's anything like losing my husband, I know what your feeling. I will keep you in my prayers always. There are somedays when all I do is cry. Dec. 3rd will be 2 months that he has gone from me and it is so unbearable. Christmas is going to be terrible. John loved Christmas with the grandchildren and I can see in them how much they miss him not being here.

Tracy

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I was always worried about my sons getting girls knocked up. But I can't wait for grandkids!!! They must be a blessing and a comfort. But I know it's all about timing. I want Logan to accomplish his dreams first. I will pray for you too!

 

 

[user=18822]tierley55[/user] wrote:

Simone,

Thank you so much for your reply. I meant alot to me. I so sorry about your son.  I don't know what it is like to lose a child, but if it's anything like losing my husband, I know what your feeling. I will keep you in my prayers always. There are somedays when all I do is cry. Dec. 3rd will be 2 months that he has gone from me and it is so unbearable. Christmas is going to be terrible. John loved Christmas with the grandchildren and I can see in them how much they miss him not being here.

Tracy

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dollface   

Mofirefly:

I'm about 90 miles north of Springfield .  It's nice to know that you are close.......Maybe you'll feel the hug I'm sending your way. 

Too All:

Take care of yourselves this holiday season.  Sometimes it's hard to remember that.  You get caught up in so many other things including your grief.  Your loved ones will be proud of you for going on and celebrating.

 

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Hi Simone,

You know I think right now I would be lost without my grandchildren, they live with me and are a great comfort. Today is going to be a bad day for me. When I wake up crying I know it's not good. The Doctor put me on some new medicine to help me sleep at night, but doesn't help with the depression. I just can't take it somedays. I know there is help out there somewhere, but I have no desire to leave my house much. Oh well, they say it will get better, but I don't see it. Thank you for listening.

Tracy

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solemate   

Tracey, welcome to Beyond Indigo - I feel your pain and like others wish you a warm hug - mine is a long distance hug from Australia.  I lost both my parents on the one day due to a car accident 8 months ago (25th) so the 25th will be a bad day for me - like simone said - you can try to see some positive in the events of Christmas - My daughter still lives with us (23 yrs) and I feel that for her its important to try and remember her grandparents in a positive light - I will try hard.  I have put up the tree and used some of my parents decorations.  I feel that they are there with us.  I have purchased some decorations where you can put pictures in the decorations - this has helped as they are there smiling at us - although there are tears - there is also some smiles.  I am not sure how old your grandchildren are and how you could encourage them to see a positive side.  Our day was to be so special this year and now I have had to change everything just so I (and my family) will be able to survive the day - new traditions have meant that I will be busy with other things and I wont have time to dwell too much on the past, rather I am looking forward (thats a hugh step for me) - Take care Tracey and let your grief take its course - my thoughts and prayers are with you (and everyone) during this holiday season.  Gayle

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Somedays are like that for me too. I can't sleep either. If I don't take major sleeping pills I won't sleep at all. I've had two good days in a row. I think part of the reason is because we are moving in the right direction in our court case. The lawyer for the girl who killed Jordan offered to plea bargin.  She will plead guilty to man slaughter and that carries a 4, 6 or 10 year prison term. This means we would have to drop the other chrages. Felony DUI and willful cruelty to a child. We are not accepting that.  The D.A. on the case is meeting with us Monday. Somedays I feel Jordan so close. The past 2 days have been that way. I read a couple of emails he wrote me on myspace. Wow...they are such a comfort. I love that kid. And he loved me the most. It's true that if you think about the happy memories it makes you feel a little better. He's there with you. The happy good times the two of you shared are a thought away.  It's so soon for both of us. This is going to get better. We will never heal totally but the pain will lessen.

Praying for you today

 

 

[user=18822]tierley55[/user] wrote:

Hi Simone,

You know I think right now I would be lost without my grandchildren, they live with me and are a great comfort. Today is going to be a bad day for me. When I wake up crying I know it's not good. The Doctor put me on some new medicine to help me sleep at night, but doesn't help with the depression. I just can't take it somedays. I know there is help out there somewhere, but I have no desire to leave my house much. Oh well, they say it will get better, but I don't see it. Thank you for listening.

Tracy

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Dear Gayle,

Thank you for the wonderful email. I am trying so hard to be in control for my grandchildren. Sadira will be 13 in January and Dominic just turned 9 on Wednesday. They miss their poppop so very much. I had to decorate the tree with ornaments that they bought together over the past few years, cause they didn't want to do it without him. Monday will be 2 months that my John is gone from us. Everyday is such a struggle in my heart and mind. He was everything to me and I miss him so much. The tears just keep coming and coming. I know that he loved me so much and that I keep in my heart. Again thank you

Tracy

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Hi Simone,

I am going thru the very same thing. The DA has decided not to press charges against the kid that hit John. They said because John was pulling out of a private driveway that it was his fault. They did not take into consideration that the kid was doing well over the speed limit. We live in a very small town and most roads are 30-35 mph and he was doing way above that. He drug the motorcycle 363 ft after hitting John and none of that seems to matter to the police in this town. So now I'm just waiting for my lawyer to get all the paperwork from the police and the DA so we can pursue other options. You will always be in my prayers and thoughts.

Tracy

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solemate   

dear Tracey and Simone - what can I say - I feel so sorry for you both to have to go through this trauma - I have been dealing with the australian system - technically my Dad killed my Mum - I know it was an accident - however as I turned off her life support several hrs after the collision  - I was angry - she died because of the accident and Dad was at fault (lost control on a slippery wet bendy road) It hurts to read that your Dad killed your Mum - I struggled with this for a long time and only now accept that it was only a wet day that caused the accident.  I read your posts and feel the love that you both had for your loved ones.  I recall a lovely family who lost their adult daughter to horrible circumstances (torture and murder) the only way they could find any peace for themselves and for the memory of their daughter was to feel sorry for the people who caused the death - they never forgave them - but if they hated them - the bitterness would cloud their memory of their daughter.  I became angry with my Dad for driving on that terrible day - and if he had headed my warning, he would not have gone out - however, I no longer blame his stubborn ways for his and my mums deaths.  I am thankfull that the other people involved in that accident survived and have minor injuries, albeit terrible memories of the day and the horrors of what they saw.  To you both, I wish you the warmest wishes and hope that you can find some peace - give yourselves time and allow yourselves to go through the journey with support (where and when needed) - take care  Gayle

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It's unfortunate that the DA will not pursue this for you and John. They are supposed to be there to help enforce the laws and to make sure those who do not follow them are punished.  Jordan's dad (my ex-husband) refuses to be involved in the court case. He says the system is corupt and they will just let her off with a slap on the wrist. My in laws and my mom and I feel differently. We have met with the assistant DA assigned to his case and the actual DA for that county (which is our DA's boss) they told us in some cases the family does nothing to fight. We are in this for the long haul. I have my boxing gloves on and I am coming out swinging. If we do not put her away she will do this to another family. I do not want another family to go through this pain.  I too am going to pursue a civil case. The people who owned the property and the vehicle that this drunk girl took my son out on was left unattended and with the keys in it. That was irresponsible on their part. Once again...I do not want this to happen to someone else.  I am glad you're going to pursue this with a lawyer. I will prayer for the best!

 

[user=18822]tierley55[/user] wrote:

Hi Simone,

I am going thru the very same thing. The DA has decided not to press charges against the kid that hit John. They said because John was pulling out of a private driveway that it was his fault. They did not take into consideration that the kid was doing well over the speed limit. We live in a very small town and most roads are 30-35 mph and he was doing way above that. He drug the motorcycle 363 ft after hitting John and none of that seems to matter to the police in this town. So now I'm just waiting for my lawyer to get all the paperwork from the police and the DA so we can pursue other options. You will always be in my prayers and thoughts.

Tracy

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solemate   

hello all on the boards

Its Monday morning in Australia and I look around my home and I am depressed - Christmas is fast approaching and I just cant into the spirit of things.  I put up the christmas tree and my husband put up the lights on our home.  My dear parents loved the lights on the house, but things just dont seem the same.  We are thinking it will be the last time we do that.  New traditions may be the answer for us, I shift of usual habits on the day may help us all move towards surviving the day.  Has anyone else got some new things they are going to do?  take care  Gayle:)

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i'm absolutely dreading christmas. tomorrow will be 5 months since my mummy passed away. we have always had a small christmas, just me, my mum and my little brother. this will be the first christmas i've ever spent without her. i've read everyone's posts and realised that the best way to get through the holidays is to make new traditions, not do the same thing you used to do. i'd already decided that i couldn't bear to spend christmas day in our family house, i don't think i'm even going to be able to get the decorations out, let alone spend the day there. my brother's gonna be spending christmas with our dad (who i have no contact with) and so i have two options, i just wondered of anyone had any advice. either i can spend the day in my flat i live in while i'm at uni, just me and my boyfriend, orrr i can go to my boyfriend's sister's house for christmas where there will be about 15 people. it's going to be a horrible day wherever i am, but i wondered if anyone had any advice on whether the first christmas is better spent surrounded by lots of people or not??? i really can't decide. to be honest i'd rather just curl up into a ball and sleep through christmas, but can't do that. and either of these options is gonna be totally different to what i'm used to. at the moment i guess i'm slightly leaning towards the second option as i thin if it's just the two of us it'll be incredibly lonely. plus neither of us can cook christmas dinner, i never got round to asking my mummy to teach me. plus i know that deep down my boyfriend wants to be with all his family, though he says he wants to do whatever i want. i'm just scared that if i do this it'll be too much for me and i'm really scared of ruining christmas for everyone else. any advice would be appreciated anyway, i hate christmas so bad this year i just want it to go away, i just want my mum.

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hmtod73   

to minnababy,  i can relate to what you are saying about christmas.  i lost my mom in feb 2004 and that first christmas was so tough.  however, i decided to buy a small tree and decorate it with ornaments that represented my mom and our family; the things she/we like and things she/we did.  it did help me because i felt good doing it and i am honoring her.  plus i feel like she is just a little closer to me for the holidays.  we did do some things differently and we did some the same.  the day was busy and at times it was hard to hold back the tears.  i would suggest that you go to your boyfriends and do the best you can.  your mom would want you to be happy,  she is.  just do the best you can.   take care.   heather

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Hello everyone,

This will be the first holiday without my brother, who died of a heart attack in October.  He was 45 and had 6 kids.  I haven't done a thing about Christmas yet - no tree, no holiday lights, no shopping.  I know I will have to decorate and shop, but I'm not ready. 

If anyone knows how to buy presents for my parents, step parents, children, other brothers, husband, 14 nieces and nephews and gramma without going into a mall blaring Christmas music and without having to make any decisions, I'd love to hear from you.

I'm open to any thoughts on how to get ready for the holidays without really having to face the holidays.

All the best to everyone,

Linda

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Hello Linda thanks for posting for me and now I'll do my best to help you.

You see as i mentioned in my post is my fathers favorite holiday was christmas.

Now if your brother got the joy outa christmas that my dad heres what i did. I grabbed all the christmas things out of the attic as i was going through them i started to feel happy yet hurt but soon youll find yourself putting up decorations and buying gifts just look at what you have accomplished. A happy feeling will come ovver you. I personally went all out this year i got a christmas light fx box my house is like the sun lol. as i climbed off the roof i looked at the lights and got a warm feeling. And when your getting a tree make an event out of it. We go to a tree farm and cut down our tree from back in the woods. We come up and listen to christmas music drink hot chocolate or coffee have popcorn the whole familys there. Now when your shopping find something your brother would get for someone and get it now some things will hit ya in the head literally. My sis boyfriend is getting a handgun for her i could not find nothing then a gun safe a trigger lock and a phone crashed off the shelf and literally landed on my head. OUCH. but things will pop out at you hope i could help.

Sincerley

Michael A. Dobrosky.

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Thanks for your suggestions Michael.  You're right about things jumping right out at you.  I was having difficulty figuring out what to buy my mother.  She is having a really difficult time coping with  my brother's death.  On the day she gave notice to retire, we had to get her from her office and bring her to the hospital with bad news.  I was cleaning up and found one of my birthstone rings - ahah - my 2 surviving brothers and I are going to buy her a mother's ring - with a stone representing each of her children.  It's a tangible way of showing her that we think of Freddy every day and hopefully, it's something that she will appreciate.

Yesterday I finally bought a tree - it's artificial because I have 2 dogs and 2 cats.  I plan of putting it up this weekend.

Funny enough, I was able to buy both a Wiii and a guitar hero 111 for my sons.  Here in Canada, these are the 2 hardest items to come by.  My 14 year old informed me that the Wiii is for babies and they are a waste of money.  I am still going to give it to both boys to share, but will have to think of something that my older son will like.

My husband has offered to do all of the Christmas shopping - as long as I give him a list.  i'm relieved that I will be able to get the shopping done this way.

I am trying to remember Fred's sense of humor and will make sure that I still give a really goofy present to all of the kids.  Thanks for your help Michael.

Peace to you,

Linda

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Ok, I actually like the wii.  I like nintendo games better then play station because the games are acutally decent and I grew up with Mario.  My kids love all the zelda and Mario games which are only on nintendo.  Game cube games can play on the wii system also.  So maybe it won't be so bad.  My kids love it.  :) It doesn't have as good graphics I have been told but I love the games and don't care so much about the graphics.

Sal

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Hi Sal,

I know if my kids don't like the Wii, I'm pretty sure that I will.  I try not to play any video games because once I start, I can't stop!!  At least my older son will be getting guitar hero, the only thing he asked for.

I am making a list of things to buy and it looks like my husband will do the shopping this weekend for me.  Yippee!  What a relief.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend.  Linda

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solemate   

Christmas is fast approaching and I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness.  I feel engulfed by my grief for the loss of my parents and struggle to see any happiness.  The tree is up, the lights are flickering brightly on the outside of our home and there are some presents already under the tree.  I am only going through the motions and my heart just is not in it.  I want to move on but I have very strong memories of my parents and their love of Christmas day and the way we all used to celebrate it.  I knew that one day they would not be with me, but having been taken away from me so suddenly without notice is the cross that I bear.  There is a saying "Never miss a rainbow because you are looking down" - My symbol for my parents is a rainbow and I shall put one on the Christmas tree in their memory.  I am so sorry for us all and from most posts, the first Christmas is bad and for some they are always bad.  I am just simply not looking forward to the day.  take care - Gayle :?

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Well, this is my first Christmas as a 100% orphan ... My Daddy died when I was only 13 and then it was Momma and I for the rest of my life! I never married, never had kids. My life was wrapped up in Mom's and hers was wrapped up in mine. We were BEST FRIENDS who just did everything TOGETHER! She died on September 20th, almost 3 months ago, so the emotions are VERY RAW and VERY close to the surface right now. I find myself missing her CONSTANTLY and crying ALL THE TIME.  I know the loss is still new but I just can't even BEAR the thought of life without her, let alone this first Christmas. I am finding just how LONELY the holidays can truly be and how much this grieving stuff TRULY BITES!!!

Thankfully, I DO have 2 sisters in the area ... one 12 miles away and another 67miles away ... but they are busy with their own lives and children and significant others. I, on the other hand, have NO ONE and, like I said ... IT JUST BITES!

Frankly, I can not wait for all of these "firsts," especially the first Christmas to just be done and OVER WITH already!

Thanks for listening ...

Gina

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