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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
kelly

Coping with the Holidays

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kelly   

Everyone,

Please come post about the holidays. Holidays can be super hard for people who are grieving. Remember saying "NO" is okay to events you do not want to participate in. Also remember not to eat to many sweets and forget to eat real healthy food and drink lots of water.

Kelly.. President of Beyond Indigo.

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solemate   

Thanks Kelly for the new site - Yes holidays can be hard - For me it was going to be Christmas at my home with my parents, my family and my sister's family.  Now it will only be my family. Bitterness has meant that my sister will probably not attend (I have invited her -  however I know that her husband will not want to come) I was going to have a special Christmas dinner with a special dinner set that my dear Mum was looking forward to using.  I had purchased lots of bits and pieces ready for the event - now they all sit and will probably not be used at all.  I feel the pressure of Christmas building up - going to the shops is not a pleasure, its a stress.  I am still raw with grief and this will be the first Christmas without them.  Tears swell in the eyes as I see older people with their families and I just want to miss Christmas all together.  I am trying hard to force myself to look for positives but I find that I just cant be happy about the season of joy.  I am not sure how to cope with this feeling and I know from other posts that I have read - the first time anniversary is the worst.  Merry Christmas Mum and Dad I love you both and miss you every day - your darling daughter Gayle

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kelly   

Gayle,

Just keep talking and taking care of yourself. I am a HUGE believer in click and ship. I suggest you buy gifts online and just totally skip the hubbub of the stores.

Kelly

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As Thanksgiving once again approaches - I remember posting before and I feel the need to post again - that even tho the pain of loss is still with me I am thankful that I had someone I loved so very much that I'm lost without them and would much rather endure this pain than to never have known such a wonderful love.  So my post to my parents this week is THANK YOU for being the best ever - you are missed and thought about and continually loved.

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I was thinking of just buying a pre-made Thanksgiving dinner at the grocery store. :shock:  Gasp!  It just sounds so unThanksgivinglike but easy and easy is good right now.  My surviving children quickly put an end to that idea.  They all want to help stuff the turkey which has been a family tradition for years.  I will just be thinking about Joshua so much and missing him.  He actually didn't like turkey or mashed potatoes!  Another Gasp!  What kind of a child was he?  :)   He is my wonderful oldest boy who was full of personality and who I miss every day.  And he did like to help stuff the tukey.  :)   So we will be home stuffing and cooking turkey on Thursday and remembering the one who is absent from our table. 

Sal

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dollface   

I remember my first Christmas without my father--WOW, this will be number 5 without him.  He SOOOOO loved Christmas.  We were all sitting in my livingroom opening gifts.  It didn't seem like anyone was bothered at all without him here.  I suddenly just had to remove myself from the festivities.  I went into my bedroom and cried.  No one checked on me at all--it seemed as though no one cared.  I did pull myself together and rejoined everyone.  The next day, family members had discussed that I was being a snob.  :shock: WHAT??????  Just because they were dealing fine, doesn't mean I was!!!!  It's like everyone has said "get over it and move on."  My family has never dealt with deaths in the family as I do.  I still have somewhat of a hard time around the holidays.  Shopping is tough too.  I see something I would have bought for him and tears swell up, BUT, I just tell myself not to let them fall. 

I will carry on some of the holiday traditions with my 2 year old son that I did with my daddy.  We will donate some of his toys to needy kids.  Daddy always tried to teach me that we were very lucky and some other kids  may not be--I will try to instill that in my son.

Merry Christmas Daddy.  I love you so much, and I miss you even more.

Peace and Love,

Your little girl

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solemate   

Well I have done the right thing in offering my estranged only sibling (my sister) an invitation to come to my home for Christmas Lunch - the day was to be at my home before the loss of our parents - She has emailed me that she wont be there - I know the day would be hard for both of us - but I saw it as an opportunity to be together and mend wounds - she thought otherwise - Christmas day will be exactly 9 mths for the loss of my parents and from all accounts from reading past posts - this first christmas will be the hardest to bear.  I now feel an extra burdeon of grief with the realisation of the loss of my sibling sister.  Things can never be the same again.  I know I need to move away from her negative feelings and concentrate on my survival.  Christmas should be for love, joy and forgiving.  I will try and start a new family day and tradition.  Love to my dearest parents I know that they would not have wanted this. Take care everyone and hope that you all find some joy during the Christmas period. :)

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Sal, I'm with you tomorrow...cooking, stuffing turkey and missing my precious Joey as the empty seat at the table screams of his absence.  I have been having such a hard time being here with my family.  There was no family Thanksgiving last year, and this year I am "home for the holidays", so it's a first for me as well since Joey has been gone.  And it's very hard...  I'll be thinking of YOU and saying thanks for our good fortune in finding wonderful people here through BI to support us through our los and the many, many special dates and events in life that find us missing our beloved children gone too soon.  With love and blessings, Claudia

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mikesmum   

Claudia - It is good so hear you are safe and well back home.  I can't imagine having two family gatherings in such a short time, with thanksgiving and Christmas.  Your picture of Joey gives such 'life' to your stories of him. Such a strong handsome young man.

Thinking of you and hope that the days ahead allow you to share the energy and light of happier times with Joey.  I am trying to remember this for our family gathering at Christmas, so we may honour Micheals life and as a family find some healing in memories of 'Christmas Past'.

Trudi

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I cannot make myself make the f'ing pumpkin pies!  Richard loved them and it is so painful to make them when he cannot enjoy them.  He would eat a whole one all by himself!  My daughter keeps asking me when we are going to start...it is our tradition...but I do not want to tell her the reason because I do not want to bring her into my pain.

I'm trying to get my strength up to go downstairs and make the friggin pies with a smile on my face.

Take a deep breath.  You can do this.

Karen

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kindpls   

I am so glad that I found this site!  I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas.  My dad died from aggressive bladder cancer that spread to his liver on March 25th and my mother died on April 13 from a heart attack.  Last year we did not celbrate the holidays because dad was recovering from cancer surgery.  My dad always decorated the house to the the max.  Every inch of it was decorated.  They loved the holidays and having my brother and his family and my husband and I there.

I am spending Thanksgiving with my husband's family and I am not looking forward to it.  To begin with, I have been sick all week.  But most importantly, I do not feel like putting a smile on my face and listening to people try to tell me that they understand.  No one understands except my brother.  He is lucky.......they decided to go no where.  I so wish I could have convinced my husband to do the same.  I will try to be strong, choke down a meal and try not to cry.  That is the best that I can hope for.

All of you be safe.  Someday, we will be remember all of the good memories of our loved ones and not burst into tears! 

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well today was definitely not one of my better days, but at least better than I thought it would be. I miss my mom so much, and I just want to feel happy but with her not here it makes it REAL hard. I don't know what to do anymore, it just feels like my life is fading away without her,.

ehhh hard day but i will get through it =/

steph

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solemate   

Dear kindpls - I too lost my Dad on March 25th this year and my mum several hours later when I agreed to turn off her life support - You are lucky to have support from your brother - I dont have any sibling support at all. But I do have a loving husband son and daughter and good friends.  Dont loose touch with these boards they are a great help. These holiday times are going to be hard for all of us, but for the date 25th it will mean 9 months from the date of their deaths, my mother in laws birthday - she died 2 years ago and we miss her very much. so Christmas day will not be one for joy - I am guessing it will be filled with sadness and tears.  I just dont know how I will cope with the day - I am trying very hard to look for something new to do that will be good for all of us.  Any suggestions as to new traditions to help ease the pain. take care everyone.

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i'm absolutely dreading christmas. i can't even describe how scared i am, i just want to sleep through it.

I lost my mum on July 3rd, this will be my first Christmas without her. I'm 20, and as far as I can remember Christmas had always been just me, my mum and my little brother, my parents divorced when i was little. This will be the first time i haven't spent Christmas with my mum and the thought of it is tearing me apart. I still have flashbacks of when my mum died etc, but now the fear of Christmas is adding to that, every time i go out the Christmas lights and decorations and songs in all the streets and shops make me so sad. I haven't bought any Christmas presents for anyone yet, i just don't want a Christmas. i can't bear not buying presents for my mum. writing this there is a huge pain in my heart, i wish i could have had another Christmas with my mum.

I don't even know where I'll be spending Christmas day - i can't bear to spend it at home, i don't think i'll even be able to get out the decorations, let alone spend the whole day there when my mummy is missing. I think my brother's going to spend the day with his dad, so i've lost him too in a way. i can spend the day with my boyfriend and his family, but they have a huge Christmas with lots of people, a total contrast to what i'm used  to, and i can't decide whether that will be good or bad, i'm really scared or being so depressed and ruining christmas for everyone.

i know i need to do something completely different, or it'll only make it harder and in any case there's no way i could try and carry out Christmas as normal, but that's what i want. i remember last year, i went to my boyfriend's house on boxing day and me and my mum were both crying as she dropped me off - deep down we knew that the day before had been the last christmas day we'd have together, though i guess i just wouldn't really let myself believe it.

i don't want christmas, i just want my mummy back.

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utegal   

Okay, I survived Thanksgiving. It has been close to two months since I lost my husband and now Christmas is soon upon us. I'm trying really hard to keep myself in touch with the world outside of my sorrow, but I could just call off the holidays until I'm ready. I know I must try to make it happen for my children who will not allow me to forget with their lists of things they want. Well I had a migraine the day before Thanksgiving, I think I was dreading the whole holiday thing. I did stay home and perform the duties of the couch potatoe for 2 days, that was fine because my children just let me be. Bless their hearts, that was just what I needed. Yes, I cried, laughed, slept and drank hot tea while watching TV. It is odd how everyone around me is so excited for the holidays and all I can think is why? So I decided that I was going to write a series of letters to people who helped me, and didn't. I think I'm feeling some mixed feelings and it is starting to take a toll on me. So I need to express everything from anger to thankfulness. I figure I can burn the ones that are not so nice, that way I don't have to keep the anger and other related emotions all bottled up. I just don't want to become a bitter person, because I'm not. I did miss our special moments that we shared during the holidays and that made me smile through all my tears. But just sitting silently seemed pleasant and calming. Hope everyone got through Thanksgiving! Hugs to all, now on to Christmas. :shock:

 

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laquinn   

Well it has been 6 and a half weeks since I lost my husband. I made it through thanksgiving but  I don't know how. For the last 10 years we had the holiday dinners at our house so  I decided to do Thanksgiving --wrong should not have done it. First off I have been making pies for as long as I can remember well this year I ended up throughing them in the trash after they were done they were just awful. Then when ever one that was coming got here we ate. There was no conversation about Randy no one wanted to bring him up I just wanted to go to my room close the door and cry was so glade when they all went home. So I will not be doing Christmas dinner here not this year.

Our youngest son, his wife and there youngest son came over all day today and helped me put out the Christmas decaration because he know I would not put them up by myself I told them I wasn't gonna put a tree up this year and he looked at me and said you know dad would want you to and so would the grandson's so we worked alot of the day on it and then went to supper and came back and finished. When my son was out in the garage me not knowing this all year he found so many new things that my husband had bought last year after Christmas and most of it was stuff that I wanted before but we could not afford them but he got them later so my son put all of the new outside stuff up and it looked so nice.

But we talked and decided that we arejust going to do Christmas eve only by  ourselves. Not sure if the rest will agree but I just can't do it not this year we need to get through this one alone.

Well I think I am gonna try to get some sleep which does not come to easy yet so will say goodnight.

Thanks for listening Lela

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Brand new member here. and i dont ususally do message boards. but i just need to present and relate my loss with others. This march i lost my mother. then in october my grandmother. this year is so tough. i dont want to celebrate any holidays until next year. i want to wait 1 year after my grams death (the most recent) to do anything. as my dad and grandfather passed nearly 20 years ago the only surviving immediate family is ...me. there are cousins but i hardly know them and they live far away...so just me. this year has strained the already difficult relationship i am in and my decision to not celebrate has exacerbated the situation. thanksgiving was painful as images of me feeding my not so healthy mom my home made food ( a real treat for her as she was in a nsg home) would not let go. and thoughts of my dying gram haunted the day. luckilly (?) i was able to work. it took my mind off of things. but the almost dreadful feeling of going through christmas like that...well that seems worse. sort of like t-giving was a test run so to speak. i stand by my decision not to celebrate, except to buy my friend's youngsters some things and do some celebrating 'for' them.

that being said my g/f continues to try to get me in the mood for this season...and it is just a ton of added strain. i have attempted to assist her with decorating (even though i prefer to do nothing or small things) i just cant stay present and excited. i look at the decor and my feelings of loss take over. she just dosent get it (realistically...how can i expect her to?) and left over thanksgiving to spend it with friends. i was invited, but this process is just too personal to be dining with people i hardly know 2 hours away from home. so needless to say the day became even more dificult when i found myself completely alone. i guess that is the price of my decision in this case...being alone.

i know this message is heavy but i needed to share and would like to thank you for reading and thank you for sharing your stories. i will continue to explore this site for more resources in getting through this time of year.

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sueboo60   

I know what your going thru as i just lost my husband oct.29 ,it is the hardest thing i think i have ever done.I miss him everyday Thanksgiven was really hard because that was his favorite meal.So hard i didnt cook my son did.They say it will get better but i dont see how.So i hope you and I can get thru this because thats what our husbands would want.But it wont take away the pain we feel now But maybe together we can help each other get thru this.God Bless You,Hope to hear from you to see how your doing,Sue

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sueboo60   

I know what your going thru,I too lost my husband just recently oct 29th.im not handling this very well either.My husband and i were real close we were married 42 years about all my life i guess so i know what you are going thru it is real hard im not putting a tree up i couldnt fix thanksgiven dinner that was my husbands favorite meal.Im just not in a holiday spirit and you probley are not either maybe we can keep each other posted about our feelings right now i miss my husband dearly i cry everyday i hope i can get over that part but i dont think so.How are you handling it all let me know i just need someone to talk to.

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utegal   

Hey there Sue, I wanted to let you know you are not the only one feeling the way you do. That is what helped me when I found this site, there are many of us out there going through the same thing. It helps to keep posting or reading. I'm not sure what I'm feeling about the whole X-mas thing. At some points I think I can do it for my children, then I just began to feel overwhelmed. Today I was on my way back to work when I felt so angry and empty. The emotion of anger and emptiness was very obvious. I'm trying to figure out what they mean by needing the feel the emotion. Anger is a tough one to feel. So I cried and tried to collect myself before I got back to my office. I knew I needed to come to this site and piece myself back. I just felt a lil in disarray. Keep your head up and I will try to get myself through the evening leading into this so called holiday season. I just want to fast forward to the spring time. But they say time will heal the wounds. I sure hope so, but we need to kind to ourselves and honor our emotions, the best way we know how and offer each other support. It is a rough time, darn holidays!

Regina

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rodless   

Maybe it will help to hear from someone who's been through the holiday thing once. My husband died in 7/06 so the holidays last year were BAD. Gritted my teeth and got through them. Cried a lot of tears and resented everybody and everything. This year I am better. I still miss Rod terribly but the sharp ache only comes part of the time now. I'm not completely dreading Christmas this year...even plan to put up a tree. And I enjoy some things like music and lights that I could not bear last year.

Life goes on and I know it doesn't seem like it will ever be anything but sorrow and weeping, but it's true... time does help. Memories don't hurt as much, adjustments in life style become more comfortable. The pain to some extent will be here the rest of my life, but I have learned how to deal with it better.

The only thing that used to encourage me was knowing other came through their grief and went on so I hope this will bring comfort to some of you who are so new to this trip. Mary Jo

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solemate   

To Pauliepacar - I too lost my Mum and Dad on the same day in March this year - and have also had a friend's father die last week - it can be a difficult time for all of us. Welcome to Beyond Indigo.  These boards have been a great healer for me.  I find I can come any time of day or night and write notes about how I feel and no-one is critical of my feelings.  This is a safe venue for us who have been hurt from the loss that we feel.  Although grief counselling is of help, I find that this site is accessable and a great avenue to vent your feelings and gain support from others.  It takes a great deal of courage for all of us to write on these boards and over the last few months, I have found new friends.  We all feel oneanothers loss and hope and would love to meet up.  I would love to reach out and give hugs to many who post notes.  I will be lucky to meet up some of my new friends early next year when I will be going overseas.  Perhaps BI could arrange a BI day eg. in USA, America, Australia etc.   My mind wanders on the positive outcomes that could happen from all of us just getting together.  With Christmas fast approaching, I still cannot get into the festive season.  I have a tree and that was really for my family not me.  I will go through the motions of the day but my heart and soul will not be there.  This will be the first Christmas without my beloved parents and I am still 8 months later finding it difficult in accepting that they are gone and the guilt I feel in agreeing to turn off my Mums life support system several hrs after the death of my father (both due to car accident)  I sincerely wish all on these board some peace during the forth coming season and believe that we should not be hard on ourselves - what ever actions we take during this holiday period is normal for us.  Be kind to ourselves.  I wll be having a quiet moment on the day and during the flood of tears will try and remember the good times that I have had with my Parents and make a promise to them that I will continue to honour their memory by being the best person I can be - after all I am their legacy...... Take care everyone  - Gayle 

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dollface   

I decorated my Christmas Tree last night.  What a mess!  I couldn't put my nice ornaments on this year as I have a 2 year old boy that wants to play with everything he sees.  It broke my heart to go through all the old ones that I've had since I was a little girl.  The one that hurt the most was the blown glass babe ruth that I purchased for my Daddy several years ago.  My mom just gave it to me about 2 years ago.  I want to put it up so badly because dad loved it so much.  But I think it would be much worse if I did put it on the tree and something happened to it--I would regret that forever.  Then my husband decided all of a sudden to be a complete jerk for some reason.  I don't know what got into him.  I ended up crying, sitting on the kitchen floor.  He said he was sorry, and I told him that he can't be so mean then say he's sorry and think everything is OK.  Then I couldn't find the little brass ornament that says father that I bought for daddy when I was young.........just added to my crying.  Daddy always loved Christmas, and I miss that so much.

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Dollface - So sorry that it is hurting you so bad - and why is it that guys seem to think that saying they are sorry makes everything better?????  I'm replying because I just noticed you are in MO - me too and when I touched the word Missouri it said we are the only two members in MO - Just thought I'd mention that.  The holidays can be such a pain.

Gayle - I liked what you put about being your parents legacy.  I do my best to make sure others don't forget my folks.

Take Care All!

 

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alexas   

Hey to all!

My Dad was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer about a month ago. He is undergoing chemo and seems to be doing pretty well and the moment.....but I know the bad days are to come. Does anyone know much about this cancer?? Does anyone know of any herbal suppliments he should take or certain foods he should eat?? I am just terrified on a daily bases of this cancer and would appreciate anyones advice or regamendations! He is also a diabetic. I have alot of faith in God and look to Him everyday through prays for his cancer but I need ya'll help too! Please if anyone knows anything please shara it with me.

Thank-you and good night to all

Alexas

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