Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Afraid to deal with it?


ArcticFox

Recommended Posts

  • Members

Hello,

I'm new to this forum and I thought I'd share my story as well.

My father passed away almost 1,5 year ago from cancer. We only found out about his illness a couple of months before he passed. He never found out about it although I can't be sure of what he understood or thought about. My parents got divorced more than 15 years ago and I'm an only child. My mother of course was with me throughout this period, as were his new family (partner and her 2 daughters from her previous marriage) although I've grown apart from them during the last years and I wasn't really close to them during this period either. I don't live in the same country as all of them do so in the beginning I was a bit distant from the whole situation and the messages that reached me were often mixed and conflicting - possibly because of their attempt to protect me and not bring me bad news instantly. I was found at my home country because of some exams I was taking at the time and it was then when my father went to the hospital where he passed a few days later. I only visited him once while he was there, my reason being the excess studying I had and I remember saying that I'll go once I take the exam, only I never had the time as he passed on the very same morning. I'm still not 100% ok with myself with the way I cope with things, having the reason (or excuse) of studying so as not to go to the hospital and then I just came back to the country I'm working and back to work a few days after the funeral as I wanted to have something to occupy my mind instead of just sitting around all day. So on the one hand I think that automatically I somehow created instantly all these coping mechanisms to make it easier for me to bear but at the same time I also think I prevented myself from acknowledging completely what was going on. 

At the same time, my best friend (and relative) of years kept the distance that had already been growing between us since some months and I felt terrible that even someone so close to me was not there when I needed them.

Shortly thereafter, we received the news that my dog of 10 years was sick and possibly incurable. Up until 4-5 months later that we also lost her, I woke and slept with a constant feeling of fear, anxiety and stress of receiving the news that she was gone.

Since that time I have been experiencing anxiety attacks, fear, and panic, and obsessive thoughts sometimes in a daily (or even hourly!) basis. I keep feeling that something will happen to me, or to the people close to me, I was afraid to walk on the streets or get on public transportation and was (and still am sometimes) very wary of the people around me, always looking over my shoulder. I am afraid to make plans because I fear that something will happen and ruin them. I am afraid to feel happy about something because I fear that I will get "punished". I am constantly on the edge, couldn't sleep for weeks and even now if I'm alone I always double and triple check to see that nobody is in the house etc. I am panicking about any small thing that in my mind becomes huge (the smallest itch becomes an incurable skin disease for example and so on) and I feel that all of this has started after my father's death that I'm still, inside of me, refusing to deal with.

It still feels weird that he's gone. 

People think I should be fine by now but how can you be fine if you haven't faced the issue? Do you ever get completely fine after losing a parent? Supposedly the only people that love you unconditionally, that you feel safe with, that you can always be a child with. 

I don't know what I need to do. I finally wrote everything down after all this time - perhaps this is a good start. I'm not comfortable with sharing such personal things with people. I don't really have any close friends I can turn to and the rest of my family and boyfriend live far away from me.

Thank you for providing me with the space to talk. I really hope that something will come out of it. I hope it has helped some of you that have come here for that reason.

best wishes to all of you

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Arcticfox,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the loss of your father. I'm so sorry. Thank you for taking the time to share your story. Losing our beloved parents is one of the toughest moments in life. I wish all our parents could live to 100. I wish I could spare all us the horrible journey of grief. There are so many raw emotions and sometimes I don't know up from down. I would try to surround yourself with loving friends and family. If you can try to access any community resources, counseling, grief support, or church groups. Try to find support and understanding and help where you can. Thinking of you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.