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lost my Dad, how could i cope with everything and also comfort my mom


Zoe12345

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I lost my Dad 4 month ago. It has been more and more difficult for me to cope with everything. I have my own sadness. Meanwhile, I have been trying to give my Mom as much support as possible, give her as much accompany as possible, and keep in touch with her as often as possible. But sometimes I can not deal with all the negative energies she has been sending, sometimes I really wanna to hang up the phone while just got the negative energy from her. I felt that every time I adjust myself well and get some energy and all can be gone immediately once talking to her. 

I do not know what to do. I love her lots. But myself also has been carrying lots. I felt guilty if I do not contact her, support her or chat with her. But by doing all those, myself can not carrying all these any more. 

Could anyone share their experience with me and give me some suggestions? 

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My father passed away on Father's Day 2008 at the age of 50. Him and my mom had been together for over 30 years since she was 14 years old, I think seeing her in so much pain hurt me more then anything. Here we are almost 10 years later and my 32 year old sister just overdosed on the 18th, so once again my mother is feeling some of the worst pain there is. To top it off my younger brother was also just sentenced to 14 1/2 years in prison. My heart breaks for my mom and no matter how sad lost and alone I myself may be feeling I try and keep it together the best I can, I know it gets really overwhelming at times, there are many times I want to scream and say we'll what about me, what I am going through but I don't, all u can do is take it day by day 

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Zoe12345

i am dealing with a simailar situation sadly, lost my mom just over four months ago. I have two brothers both younger than me, I have always been the strong one. And when we lost mom, it was me who held the responsibility of holding my dad and I together. It is so hard, she was taken from us in an instant, no time to say goodbye. Here loving and supporting us all one moment, and then ripped from us in the blink of an eye. It has devastated my entire world, I do not know how to go on. Each day, hell each moment, is a constant struggle. We were so very close. She loved me more than any person could love another. My dad and I have always been close, always doing things together, just as mom and I always did. But now him and I are even closer. No person on earth feels this unbearable pain I have like he does. I know how hard it is to deal with your own loss, and feel the torment of seeing your other parent go through their own similar yet so different loss at the same time. There is only so much you can do to console them and help them struggle thru their pain. Having the relationship with both my parents that I have/had, I don't know the feelings your experiencing her negative engeries as you put it. But I feel for you and understand how that can be something one could go through. Do you have other siblings that you can draw on for help supporting her through this time of loss? As I said, I do. But regardless it has been only me acting as my dad's support system regardless. Just try to imagine the pain she is going through. As similar to yours as it is, it is still very different. My mom and Dad were married for 30+ years. He now spends every night sleeping in their bed alone, an empty space beside him where she once slept. He has nothing to look forward to coming home to after a hard days work each day. No loving wife to care for and support and enjoy life with. It is an unending painful daily reminder of what was, and what will never be again. For you and for her...please stay strong. I don't know if it gets better, I don't know how it could. But in time I hope we are able to adjust to the new **** life we are handed, the new reality that is life. to do the best we can to do what would make our parent proud. And to try and live, so that they live on through us...

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Thank you very much, RB1985, for your sharing. 

I feel for you and understand how difficult it is. My Mom is also my best friend. We had been always sharing ups and downs daily. Sometimes, I was thinking that if I had to lose one of my parents at that time, at least I am lucky that my Mom who is my best friend is still alive. Sometimes, I was thinking, if what happened was not my Dad, but my best friend (here, I even do not dare to use the word ***), I really could not image how my life would be. Although sometimes, I felt guilty to think about it in this way, because it made me feel as if I did not love my Dad. 

I understand all of my Mom's currently behaviors are very normal things for people who lost their partner. They were going to celebrity their 30th marriage anniversary in October but the tragedy also happened in October. Whatever things were up in life, she would just keep blaming herself for not finding out my Dad's health problem earlier. I understand her and have been trying to let her know again and again that it's not her fault and she did all she can. I am trying to love her and support her as much as I can.

But I am really really exhausted and drained. Actually, these days, sometimes, I was not willing to call my Mom or talk to her. Because every day and every minute, I was also trying to strength myself and to make sure that I would not collapse, then the moment I heard her voice with sadly and heard her self-blaming (what I said negative energy), I lost all of my strength and energy immediately, and was sad and depressed. And I was really tired of hearing her self-blames and tired of keeping telling her again and again that it's not her fault, although I know it's very common and normal thing for people who lost their partner. 

I am the only kid in my family. I feel for you and understand it is not easy as the main supporting system. But we are not alone, we have all the people here who can feel for us and understand our difficulties and struggling. 

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Hi Zoe, I lost my grandmother recently so I cannot give any coping strategies as this is all very surreal. But I am sorry for your loss, and I believe you can only do so much for your mother. She sounds like she's in constant pain, but you have to take care of yourself too. In order to move on and deal with other people or things in your life, I think you have to find a way to get better, whether it's eating, sleeping, exercising, finding a new hobby, talking to friends, working, volunteering, or engaging in other activities that will help you feel like life really matters. Unfortunately i have no other solution, because I struggle with these thoughts and feelings every day. Feel free to contact me if you wish.
Good luck, take care.

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I lost my dad in July. He and my mom were married 46 years. Im doing my best to be there for my mom, being strong for my brothers, and still trying to provide a stable house because I have my kids plus fostering my 2 nieces. I have enjoyed staying busy because it helps but I feel in a way its been a curse keeping me from grieving completely. My wife and her dad havent spoken in 20 years and I think that makes it hard for her to understand why Im still struggling. My dad was my best friend..we talked daily on the phone and we would see each other atleast twice a week. He helped me coach my sons basketball team and we would talk about everything. Coaching tonight was really hard, close game with lots of great plays. I would call him after every game and I miss that the most. I broke down in the car on my way to work. It doesnt seem to get easier as time goes by. My biggest strength comes from him. He was the eternal optimist. He would want me to focus on my family and stay positive. I do my best and hope to have the relationship I had with my dad with my son. 

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