loss of my mother

[cristina]

It's going to be 2 years this may and it feels like yesterday. My mother was 54 when she passed away. There are days where I wish she was here and other days I move on with life and its like nothing happened. I'm struggling with my job and other aspects. I also lost my grandmother 5 years ago and I was very close to her but it feels like I've lost her and can't remember her like I use to. 

[reader]

Dear Christina,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your beloved mother and grandmother. I hear where you are coming from. Losing our cherished parents and grandparents is one the most difficult things in life to cope with. What you are experiencing is part of the grief journey. I think there will always be a hole in our hearts. And we all try to carry on the best we can. Knowing there are going to be rough days for the rest of our lives.

This is my first full year without my father. I still struggle with the loss. I have a feeling I will struggle till the day I take my last breath. I want to make him proud and live a good life. But right now getting out of bed is still a struggle. Someone suggested to me making a memory box, a collage, a painting, planting a tree or garden, or just visiting the cemetery. I'm trying to have  a ritual to remember my dad by. Its hard. Right now all I can remember is the pain. I'm scared. I hope will survive and thrive, but I don't know when I will get to that point.

[cristina]

Thanks for your kind words. I too feel like I will struggle every day with grief. I too find days I just dont want to get out of bed. I continue to fall into a depression at times and my weight has gone up. I find going to the cemetery when I can helps. This may sound crazy sometimes but when I go visit my mom and grandparents, I talk to them and tell them whats happening in my life and my family. I also see a psychologist from time to time and it helps. I'm sorry to hear about your father. My condolences to you and our family. 

[cristina]

I think I also had to put my grieving process on the back burner since I had to go to work to support myself and also the fact that I was getting out of unhealthy relationship. 

[RB1985]

I found this site a few months ago while sitting in bed late at night crying feeling so lost and alone. I lost my amazing mother just four months and 3 days ago. It is absolutely unbearable. I have never in my 31 years of life wished to no longer be alive. She was only 57. One day she was here, early the next morning I awoke to find she had been taken in a tradgic accident. A semi driving wrecklessly thru town took her life. And from that moment on I have been in a constant struggle to survive. I don't want to live without her in my life. I don't want to go on. I shouldn't have to. It's not right. She was my best friend, the most supportive loving amazing kind person I have ever met. I basically live with a deep anger that I can't just give up and leave this earth, because I have my dad and my husband and my two brothers that love me. My dad is a broken devastated shell of the wonderful person he used to be. My heart is broken and my world is shattered. I ache every single day and scream knowing I have to go on, I don't want to. She was our reason for living and she was ripped from us. I am tired of the empty words of people who mean well but can't help. And I'm tired of the caluse hurtful "she needs to grow up and get over it" bullshit that only those who have never experienced this loss can utter in their ignorance.. 

[Athina]

Dear Christina,  while I've never been in your exact situation, I know what it's like to lose a mother. I lost mine too more than three months ago. Her death was sudden and I never ever signed up for losing a mother at 35. This is really life changing. Instead of going and enjoying lives, we are left with a terrible hole in our hearts, mourning for future milestones. I mourn that my mother is not with my small kids anymore. And indeed, I am supposed to be enjoying their childhood but how to do that when the pain is so intense. I do also experience mixed feelings - sometimes life before my mother's death seems like it was not real, like some kind of mirage. But then, there are moments when I seem to hear her voice just yesterday. 

I am happy I found this place. Because it makes me feel not so alone. 

[April31]

Hey! We have a lot in common, I lost my dad 13 years ago, and my mom just barely 2 years ago, I'm hoping to get out of an unhealthy relationship too. I'm 31.

[Zoe12345]

RB1985,

I understand the feeling of struggling to survive. Life is really not easy. Previously, I did not understand what it means "suffering exists" until what happened to my Dad. I am in a very similar situation as you are having. My Dad was only 58 and it happened just all of a sudden at the beginning of October 2016. Just that day, the only day in that month, I did not call my parents. Then, later that day, I got a call from one of my Mom's close friends (She is a nurse, I was shocked while she called me because I felt there was something wrong) and she told me that my Dad was in a very critical situation and ask me to fly back immediately. I was wondering that my ears and brain were wrong, I was wondering as if I heard anything wrong because my Dad had been optimistic, happy and healthy, so I requested my Mom to talk with me. I was crying all the way while flying back home. 

While I was back to school, the first two weeks were very very difficult, although, to anyone around me, I was trying to be as strong as I can, smiling, laughing, and as if I coped well. But every night, he was in my dreams, and I woke up with feelings as if he was still alive. Then several minutes later, my memories of all the things in the funeral reminds me of the reality. At that time, I personally interpreted the meaning of a funeral as to reminding me the reality. I just felt as if I was living in two worlds. In the one world, I am facing all the others around me as if I coped well; in the other world, I am feeling as if my Dad was still alive but the reality has been keeping reminding me of the truth. 

I feel for you and understand how difficult it is.  And what you said "to do the best we can to do what would make our parent proud" and "And to try and live, so that they live on through us" touched me so deeply. Thank you very much. Actually, these are the only reasons that having been supporting me to be alive. 

I understand the empty words of people who mean well but can't help, I understand that and feel for you. Sometimes just immature person said to me at my Dad's funeral: eat a piece of strawberry cake and then everything will be fine. Actually, that was my ex-fiance who said that to me and then blamed me for not understanding his kindness for saying that. Well, I felt that the huge loss was minimized into a slice of strawberry cake, but he was keeping blaming me for not understanding his kindness. Anyway, It's not others' problem for not understanding the pain and the suffering that people are going through. 

I am glad that nowadays, we can use the internet to find people who are going through the similar things or who had similar experiences. You are not the only one going through this. 

We are all here together going through the loss. I do not know whether it will be better or not eventually, but to try and live, and to make our parent proud.