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[Missedyesterday]

Hi all, my dearest and closest friend of 20+ years took her own life Last month. I can't put my feelings into words because nothing seems significant enough to describe the pain, hurt and emptiness I feel. I feel like I'm one breath away from a constant panic attack. I'm desperately afraid of what's going to happen when reality sets in. 

I'm in my 40's and don't think I've ever experienced this kind of pain in my life. 

 

[Auntie Ruby]

I love your name... I think we all miss yesterday.  When tragedy happens, the first thing we want to do is turn the clock back.  I am not going to tell you that I understand your pain.  I don't.  I just understand loss... that is why we are all here.  To some extent we all know loss.  

For some of us, panic attacks are part of the grief process.  If you need to go there, please find a safe place.  It may be the only way for you to vent your emotions.  I know panic attacks.  I had one when I got the news of my nephew's accident.  I didn't try to hold my emotions in.  I climbed on to our king size bed and started beating it... right in front of my husband and mother.  In that moment all the anger came out.   

Grief needs an outlet.  So please find a safe place and scream.  What you are feeling matters and it needs to be felt.  It is okay.  

And if someone in passing asks "How are you?"... punch them... (so not serious), but it is tempting.  It is okay to be honest with people when that question comes up and you can't answer it.  You don't have to go into details, you can ignore the question... I usually do on the best of days.  How I am... in not the business of the Walmart Teller. 

That  is all I can tell you right now.  Be free to hurt... healing takes time.  Be real whether people understand or not.  Most know loss in life, but when someone else goes through it, they tend to forget what it is like.  

Also, one day you will need to let go of the need to understand all this.  You many never understand it.  I am asking you to allow yourself to feel your pain and walk through it... to find a safe place, because your friend didn't or couldn't... A life is taken because there is too much pain and no way to go through it back to life.  

... and please take care of yourself.  You are valuable, your are worth it!!!! Don't ever forget that!!! 

 

Ruby from Canada

 

[reader]

Dear Missedyesterday,

I'm so sorry for all your pain and sorrow. Losing a lifelong friend is a terrible shock.  Grief is so horrific. I wish none of us had to go through this journey. Please allow yourself to grieve. And try to be as gentle and kind as you can to yourself. Surround yourself with loving people. And see out counseling and grief support groups as necessary. Thinking of you.

[Missedyesterday]

Thank you both for your replies, it means more to me than you know. 

Im sorry you are walking through grief. I hate that so many people have to go through it. 

I have depression and anxiety and I've worked hard the past year to overcome a lot so I'm trying very hard to remember that my thoughts and feelings are grief talking and not part of my mental health... it's all so very confusing and exhausting. 

I miss my best friend so much, I feel like I lose her every day I wake up all over again. 

Thank you again for your wisdom. 

With love.

me 

 

[Auntie Ruby]

 

Missed: 

Part of me feels like I understand some of your pain. It is why I am drawn to your story.  I had a best friend for 27 years. She's not dead... at least I don't think so.  She stopped talking to me two years ago.  I guess it could be like I am dead to her.  I am stuck at being sad that the relationship ended and angry because she ended it with no just cause.  She is the one that pulled the plug and I didn't have much say in the matter.  Come to think of it.. it was really dumb.  And we aren't even children.  She just passed her 50th birthday and I will pass mine next year.  
 

"I feel like I lose her every day"  

I think I get that.  We live fifteen minutes apart.  I drive through her town every day.. on the way to work and back.  My friend didn't kill herself.. she just killed the relationship.  So not the same thing... but I do understand missing someone and feeling like she is gone forever.  

I just wanted to let you know that.  Like I said... different story... but feeling the pain of the loss too. 

I hope you find the peace to need... I still don't know if I have found the peace I need.  

Ruby from Canada