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Loss of my dad


susan122

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Hi, I'm new to the forum. I was searching for grief because I lost my dad about a month ago after a month long illness. I am somewhat surprised at how hard it has been. I guess you always know you will be sad if you lose a parent, but you don't understand the extent of it until you go through it. To be honest, I was not always that close with my dad. He was very distant while I was growing up, and while I always lived with him we were never as close as I was with my mom. This improved when I became an adult and realized that he always did the best that he could and that he loved me. I understood and accepted him for who he was. I spent the last few years really working on our relationship and for that I am grateful. I thought that would be enough. But I have been surprised at the guilt that I have felt since he passed. I am heartbroken for what wasn't and what will never be. I feel sad for the regrets that he probably had. We could have had more years to build our relationship- I'm only 30. And while I am definitely not a child, it still feels too soon. 

I find myself reliving those last few weeks and feeling so sad for my mom and family. Sad that those hard decisions had to be made- to remove him from a feeding tube, to decide that that's what he would have wanted. I know that he of all people would not have wanted to live that way, but it's honestly traumatizing to remember him in hospice. I relive those moments often. I know that everyone dies, that it is a natural part of life but it has never felt so real before. 

What has also surprised me is how I am dealing with life after this loss. Things that don't seem to be connected to him are affecting me. I don't want to get out of bed- it seems like too much. Work seems overwhelming- I am getting stressed out over the smallest things. I feel like at any moment, I am going to scream at the top of my lungs. Things, like making doctors appointments or paying bills, seem like too much for me right now. I am still getting up and going to work and doing the things that I have to do, but I feel depressed most of the time. I have constant anxiety. I know it has only been a month and that maybe I should go easy on myself, but I feel like I should be better than this by now. I honestly feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I also feel very alone. Right after it happened, people reached out often- there was a constant outpouring of love. And then it just stopped. People seem like they don't know what to say. I feel like I'm drowning and everyone forgot about it. 

 

Thank you all for having this forum. I feel better just getting that all out. 

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Dear Susan,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you found this forum. You are not alone. Everything you are writing about is part of the grief journey. I wish none of us had to go through it even if is the natural order of things.  All the emotions you are having is normal.  Please do not be hard on yourself. One month is too soon. Be as gentle and kind with yourself as possible. I know it seems friends and family members have dropped off and people want us to move on. But its too soon. I would try to seek out counseling and support groups for bereavement. We need like minded people that can understand what we are going through. Please continue to come here and express yourself as often as needed. Here you will find many caring people with similar experiences who understand how are you feeling. Thinking of you.

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Susan:  Thank you for sharing your story.  I feel with you, your loss of your dad.  Yesterday was 9 years since my dad passed away from stomach cancer. This website helped me share my story and reading others stories helped me get on the healing track. I came back to the forum yesterday to grieve for my nephew who just died two weeks ago in a vehicle accident... but that whole story has brought the emotions of losing dad back to the surface.  So I can feel this pain with you. 

You are feeling alone and I get that.  You are hear in the midst of people that have lost.  Reading their stories will help you feel not so alone.  I was 39 when my dad passed away.  That is long enough to gather enough memories, but seems that his life was cut short too.  

Find a place where you can release you emotions.  Maybe you still need to scream, cry, get angry... what ever it takes.  find a safe place to vent.  

A friend of mine shared this with me when he walked me through my dad's passing. "The pain will go away, but the sadness will remain."

The sharpness of the pain will ease in time. But the hole will not fill.  No one can replace your dad... ever.

People in your life will go on.  Their sympathy was with you at the time of your loss, but the pain isn't there for them and they will forget that the pain still dwells with you.  Its okay to be honest with your friends.  Everyone has lost something at sometime.  I think we just need a reminder when our pain gets old that someone's pain is still fresh.  

We need to talk about our dad's. I just got together on Thursday and visited with a couple that walked with me when my dad passed away.  Both of them had lost their dads within the year before my dad passed.  9 years later we can still share our loss together.  

I hope you can find a sojourner on this road that can walk with you.  Someone that knows your pain and understands... not just a sympathizer.  That person will be there for you in five or ten years when you still want to talk.  

It took me a while to realize that my mom and I had different grief journeys to walk.  We had lost the same person but a different relationship.  She lost her husband and soulmate.  I lost my dad. We needed different people to walk beside us that understood our journeys.  But we often talk about dad when we are together.  Together we keep him alive in our memories.  

If you need hugs... give them.  Best way to get hugs.  That person doesn't need to know why... hugs are healing. 

Auntie Ruby from Canada

 

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Thank you both so much. It's nice to hear from people who understand. Ruby- so sorry to hear about your nephew. 

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I too lost a parent at a young age. I'm sorry for your loss. I found it difficult that even though I was not close to my mom, It still hurt. I found it helpful to release my emotions and express how I felt. I tried to hide how I felt to show that I was doing well and am strong but it was not healthy. If you need to talk, I dont mind listening. 

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Hi susan,

I'm sorry for your loss. 

I also lost my father 1,5 year ago after a month long illness (at least it was that long that we knew about it) so I do relate to a lot of what you're talking about (I'm 32 by the way and I'm also experiencing heavy anxiety among others after my father's passing).

As reader also said, one month is so very soon. Please be gentle with yourself, take your time and let yourself feel all those things you want to feel. There's no right or wrong at the moment, just go through what you need to go through. It takes time.

I hope that you'll find some comfort in this place, I just joined today but it seems there are several people going through similar situations so it might be easier to be understood. Sending hugs your way

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