Invisible

[MLG23]

It has been quite a long time without my fiancé. Just as all of us feel, too long. Although I am coping, I go to a therapist, take medication and still have physical therapy from my injuries in the accident. If my heart doesn't hurt then quite literally my body does. My injury makes it so I will always have a reminder for the rest of my life. What baffles me is that his family acts as if my pain doesn't exist. At the funeral I was even verbally and physically attacked by two of them. Although I am a strong person who does not want to be defined by my tragedy, to have his family acting as though we never had a wedding date, didn't live together, didn't share everything truly hurts me. If attempted to be discussed, the mother only explains how her pain is so great(which of course it is) and explains how they have bought their other kids puppies for emotional support and how they are just torn apart etc. No mention of how I was going to be his wife, how I am etc. I am frustrated that my life is meaningless to people who acted otherwise for years. Just as his friends have not even attempted to talk to me at all. A slap in the face. Just sort of venting.

[Emeliza]

I am sorry.  I didn't have that same experience, but I know at some places I have the leper experience where people don't talk to me or sit by me.  This happens most often at church, which you think would be the opposite.

I am very sorry for your loss and how you are being ignored with your pain.  I am glad you have counseling and professional help. I hope you are able to limit your interaction with your loves family since it appears they seem to have no idea what others might be experiencing with loss.  

[KMB]

MLG23---You have my utmost sympathy. I am sorry your fiance's family has been treating you with so little regards as to your grieving and the injuries from the accident. It sounds like they are placing their grief above yours when it should be equal and shared. To be verbally/physically attacked at the funeral is beyond belief. Do they resent you for surviving the accident and he didn't?  I hope for your sake that over time they come to their senses and realize that you are grieving too and seek you out to make amends.

[KayC]

MLG,

I am so sorry, it is wrong, just wrong.  My husband's family didn't have anything to do with me after his death except one brother tried to get his coin collection (???) and his dad (who didn't bother attending his funeral) called and badmouthed him a year later...my husband no longer had the coin collection but I told his brother he could have a hospital bill to remember him by (never heard from him again) and his dad I told him to call when he had something nice to say and chided him because George had always been good to him.  Never heard from him again either.  I hear once in a very great while from his grown kids but they don't live here and weren't close to start with.

I don't know why family doesn't choose to acknowledge our position with them or why they suddenly change overnight, no explanations at all!  Just know this happens not just to you but to a lot of us, never have figured it out.  I guess it brings out the worst in some people?

I hope it gets better for you.  Take care of yourself, first and foremost.

[claribassist13]

MLG, 

I despise saying that I know exactly how you feel, but I have a pretty good idea of how you feel. 

My relationship with my fiance's family isn't quite as bad. In fact, we have always been rather close. 
However, I can't talk to his mom about anything regarding my pain. She says she understands and then launches into a speech about her own pain. 
Just today, I was telling her that a close friend's engagement had me really upset. She proceeded to tell me that she understood and that she had a client who had a son studying for the MCAT's (which my fiance would also be doing if he was alive). 

Some people get so wrapped up in their own grief that they cannot see the grief of others. I am so sorry that you have had to experience this. 

As for the whole fiance thing, I could write a book on that. People seem to think that a marriage changes everything, that our love and relationship would have mattered more if we were married. Being married is just a legal ceremony, in the end. It allows you to become next of kin and gain all the other legal benefits of being someone's partner. Being his fiancee does not change the fact that I loved him, it doesn't diminish the pain I feel from having lost him. Whether I had been his wife or not, I still lost the rest of my life. 
The same as you. 

It's been just over a year for me, and the attitudes of those around me haven't changed much. I hope so much more for you. 

But, we know our relationships the best. Fiancee/fiance, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, partner... They are all just titles. They do nothing to signify the love and commitment between two people. 
Try very hard to remember the words of your fiance. Don't let outsiders get into your relationship. 

I am so very sorry that you are suffering with this as well. 

[Stonesie]

MLG, I am so sorry that you are being treated this way.

It sounds like it's not terribly unusual either, but man it should be!

The only similar thing I have had is that my mother-in-law says things to me that insinuates that her pain and grief are SO much worse than mine.  I know she hurts...but I am destroyed too.  It's not a contest for who hurts worse!  Sometimes people that are hurting treat other people like total garbage - my mother-in-law is one of them.

If your fiance's family can't be nice to you I would avoid them until they can be   You don't need the extra pain.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

People seem to think that a marriage changes everything, that our love and relationship would have mattered more if we were married.

I'm so sorry you've experienced that, it is very wrong.  No one should relegate our love to a back seat for any reason.  They were everything to us with or without the paper!
 

5 hours ago, Stonesie said:

It's not a contest for who hurts worse!

You are so right!  To each person that is grieving, THEIR hurt is the worst!  But we should also acknowledge that other person that is grieving and realize they are grieving too.  From my way of looking at it, when your life is entwined with someone and you lose them, it affects you on every level because there are so many losses involved with it.

[Francine]

MLG23

I am so sorry for your loss and the way you have been treated.  His family is still mourning his passing and unfortunately, people sometimes want others to carry their burden.  It appears that someone is you.  It is so unfair for you to have been treated in a manner that is disrespectful when you yourself is suffering as much, if not more, than they are.  I only hope someday you will be able to forgive them; forgive them for the things that was said and done. Sometimes, its hard to love those who seem to be unlovable, understand what seems to be unexplainable, and reach the seemingly unattainable. It takes courage, strength and conviction to forgive and forgiveness is the only way to free yourself from the cruelness that was directed towards you.

I hope you find peace in your heart and that God will bless you with his love and strength.  God Bless.  .