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Does it get better? Ever?


HappyNow74

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OK, I'm new to this.

On Thanksgiving day of 2014 my best friend shot my 18 year old daughter in the head. I had to approve to stop life support, and agree to donate her organs.  I wish I could explain the feeling but I don't seem very gifted at communication. 

About 10 days ago I began to feel more optimistic than I have in more than 2 years. Today that came to a horrific stop. The giant abyss of my soul has begun to swallow me again. I know everything that is supposed to happen. I know its normal. And I even know that I am completely alone. My daughter, my friend, my signature on her advanced directive. The responsibility of those thoughts never stop. I have rational thought processes that tell me all the right answers.... But my paralyzing pain and fear are sharp. I've learned to wear a poker face. I try not to bring it up. But its ever present, even when I can block it out. I have learned to hide and scream and cry without a sound. The murderer was not even questioned at the police station. The 40 year old high security prison guard, who controls inmates without a gun (loved to brag about pressure points), felt it necessary to shoot her between the eyes, Called it self defense, and went back to the world. No muss, no fuss. 

Why did I have a spontaneous positive and hopeful ten days if today it feels like I've been punched in the stomach? I don't really feel like wearing this for the rest of this life. 

 

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Happynow74 i am so sorry for the way you lost your daughter how tragic. What a wonderful gift of her organs I think it really helps the healing process if there is something physical that can be done in memory of your child whether it be organ donation, campaigning, changing laws, donating to a charity or hospital, just as long as it is given. The fact that the crime committed was never held up in court or any accountability held by the offender must be a very bitter pill to swallow. At least if there is a positive outcome in your case justice for your daughter, it helps and it must drive you crazy that that did not happen. The grief journey is very long, hard and painful, and there are going to be bumps in the road that make you question your progress. We all have them. Sometimes there is a root cause ie a date or occurence that bring it all back, other times it hits without warning. I feel like that I am at the mercy of a tsunami of tears that will hit suddenly without warning, however I try to go along with it because it is ultimately healing. Your words "poker face" "block it out" "scream and cry without a sound" are haunting. They reveal a desperately sad parent grieving their child which is totally normal, but also indicate that you have worked so hard to be brave and keep it all together that in fact you may be denying yourself your emotions which is not healthy. I went out onto a deserted moorland and screamed and shouted my lungs out a few weeks after my son was killed and although it was raw it felt very liberating. Too often we parents are trying too hard to be brave to show everyone around us we are coping even if inside we are not and that can cause a mini breakdown months or years later. i suspect this may be the case with you and I urge you to find a support network to help you through whether it be counselling, a church, a support group a telephone crisis line, whatever you can get for yourself. To be truly strong you need to not deny yourself the emotions because ultimately you will come out the other side stronger more capable and more peaceful. No one enjoys grieving but it is an essential part of healing yourself. you need to prioritise number one. If you work try to get some stress leave and be good to yourself. Accept help from family and friends and use this group to help yourself because you are worth it. one day at a time friend it will be ok

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Thank you for responding. I cannot tell you how much it means. I don't think I'm brave, or I would have taken care of him. I always thought I had great communication skills but I can't hardly put a sentence together and when I try it comes out neurotic. I pray for a massive heart attack or drunk FedEx driver so I can get off this merry go round, but it isn't panning out. I walk this earth only because I have 2 other children and I'm pretty sure I'd start a domino effect. 

Besides, this feels like its all my fault. The guy had been my best friend since I was 5. He kept coming back into my life, saying he wanted to marry me. I'm already married, and he was a little brother. So he didn't handle hthe rejection well. His plan B was to be with my daughter. I've been told their relationship started when she was 15, but I didn't know until she was nearly 17. The police told me that I wouldn't get anywhere with a statutory rape complaint. He groomed her and destroyed everyone. She had lunch on Thanksgiving and then went back to his house to tell him she was moving back home. I had had neck surgery and she was going to help me recover for a couple weeks because she wanted to earn enough money to buy him a birthday present. To preserve her surprise plans she didn't tell him that it was only for a couple of weeks. He doesn't handle rejection very well. So the ex-army trained supermax prison guard needed to shoot her between the eyes.

My oldest daughter was absolutely a rock after Diana's murder. She dragged me, shell shocked, all over to get all the arrangements done. I don't know where she got all her wisdom and courage but I absolutely would not have survived, and there wouldn't have been a memorial. She kept her sisters 7 ft boa. It scares me but it is also a creature she loved. The murderer kept most her possessions and the akita I bought her for Christmas. The cops wouldn't intervene. They agreed with his self defense claim and told me my only recourse was to sue him for the dog.

My youngest child is now 18 and in constant anxiety and fear. He goes to the mental health clinic nearly everyday. I'm bummed I didn't think of it first. He deals with it a lot like me. We try to control ourselves with logic, and we suffer.

Thank you so much for the response. And I am very sorry for your loss. 

*not" HappyNow

 

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happynow74 i think you are doing incredibly well. This loss is the hardest thing in the world to handle and its only because we love so much that we grieve so hard. Keeping on going for your other children is the right thing to do as long as you get help for yourself so that you are able to do so. i have 3 other kids and I failed them by breaking apart. i already have depression and anxiety so that tragedy sent me over the cliff mentally. I am recovering now and able to be a better mum to them because I believe Tommy is by my side helping me. my youngest son was my pillar to lean on when Tommy was killed, my youngest daughter retreated into herself and all these months later has not accepted or dealt with her feelings and I am afraid that will cause her to have a collapse later on. My eldest daughter was furiously angry with everyone and everything for months. She lashed out verbally at everyone especially me and caused a lot of anguish in the family. She has calmed right down and is pretty much her usual self now. We all react differently there is no right or wrong way we all need to find our way through to continuing with life without the burdens of sorrow weighing us down. The loss will always always be there but we have to learn to relive life in a new kind of normal. Just because that evil man was your friend does not mean you were the cause of your daughter's death. He was, just him. It sounds like although mentally unbalanced ( because no normal person would ever do something so cruel and heinous) he was very cunning and manipulative and forced himself into your lives by dating your daughter and taking her because he thought he could not have her so no one else should. How absolutely appalling. he will get his just desserts one day. Just because he seems to have escaped justice for now does not mean that down the road karma won't get him. It will one day, he will have to answer to someone. Your job is to love and support your family and don't let that evil man's deed poison you. you all have the power inside to rise above that evil and in time live again. Your daughter walks beside you she will help you to find the light again. Love conquers all.

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