14 posts in this topic

I finally cancelled your cell phone contract after five weeks.  I called your number everyday for the first Screenshot_2016-05-19-17-41-37two weeks straight, still hoping that one day you would answer, and I would be awoken from this nightmare.

Once again today, like so many other days, when going to make a call from my contact list there's your face.  The picture I took of you the day we went to get you a cell phone.  I asked you to smile for me, and instead you made this face lol.

I'm sure I will continue to try calling you, who knows, maybe one day you will pick up.

 

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It was a man I loved who died but I do the same thing. I type his number into my phone like I'm going to send him a message just because I want to remember what that feels like, to just be able to send him a text. I call to see if his family has turned his phone off yet and they haven't. I don't know why I do that because I know the day I call and it's off it will really hurt. Im so sorry about your loss. 

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Thank you.

Yes, I don't know why we do it, but I guess part of me hopes that one day he will answer.  In truth if that ever happened I'd probably faint.  We do what brings us comfort I guess.

Peace and Love

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That's true. I've done some really strange things in effort tonnage myself feel better. I wasn't able to go to the funeral due to the situation but I went to the grave and put some of the dirt in a ziplock bag just to have something to keep. I just have to constantly ask for God to be with me because that's the only way to make it through this. How old was your son? I have two sons.

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 My son was 24, his 25th birthday was in November.  He was my oldest, and I have 2 younger daughters.  It's only been 8 months and each day there are new challenges.  I'm a strong person but this has tested me.

Taking dirt may seem strange to others, but honestly, if it makes you feel comforted I say you do it.  It harms no one.  I wear his hoodies, one i keep in my room, I won't wash it because it smells like him. I started journalling about my feeling and experiences to get the emotions out I find that helpful, and I started my own blog about it.  What do you do to deal with the emotions?

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I loved him in secret as it was an affair. So I have to keep a lot of my emotion bottled away until I'm alone. I come to this site a lot. It's one of my only outlets. I also have one close friend that has been supportive. I have a few other close friends that know. I think everyone just gets tired of hearing it after a while. It's like people just impose a certain timeline for you to grieve and then they want you to be yourself again. I wish so badly I had something of husband like a hoodie, but I have nothing. Just the dirt. Sometimes I write him a letter in an email account. I just send it to myself. I've also been studying scriptures a lot and I'm reading a book about heaven that has been helpful to me. We both know what we were doing was wrong but we are both believers. He was 34. I just feel it's so much worse for unexpected things to happen than when people have time to prepare for it. They are just here one minute and gone the next. He text me two days before he died and I never got a chance to respond. I was going to call him back after that weekend. 

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I also think the sudden loss is worse, but I don't know if it can really be measured.  There is no chance to say bye, or make amends if there was a problem.  As a mother you think you will for sure outlive your children, it feels so un-natural in the reverse.  I agree with the timeline, others expect like on day you will return to that person they new before your loss - but we will never be that same person again, and this is our new normal.  

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I can't imagine losing a child and I don't anything can compare to that grief. My prayers are with you. I feel like it hits me in waves. I will be okay for a little while and then I realize the reality of it all over again and I just feel like I cannot go on. He had small children and I think a lot about them. I remember a conversation we had about when his child got older and she won't even remember him. It breaks my heart. 

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Losing a child is something no parent should ever have to consider, but unfortunately it is all too often a reality.  You are so right, it does come in waves, sometimes a tsunami just out of nowhere.  How have you been 

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Well I felt I was doing a little better, but something triggered the worst panic attack ever. For some reason I felt like I had to know the details of what actually killed him in the wreck. I guess I had such a bad image in my head I thought the real one might be better. It wasn't. 

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It's a difficult choice either way I think.  I've been to funerals before, but I never looked at a deceased body until it was my son.  I decided not to see him until the viewing, I didn't want to see all that was done to him.  I don't think there can ever really be a right or wrong decision, I think whatever decision we make, we just have to deal with it with no regrets, that's what we needed at that moment.  You couldn't foresee the outcome.  If you didn't make the choice you would always question and want to know what happened.  I hope you find a way to make peace with whatever happened.  

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MamaDukes,

I still do the same thing.

My son was murdered in July of last year, just three weeks short of his 21st birthday.

I still text him sometimes in the middle of the night, hoping just to see the ... that he is replying. They haven't assigned his phone number to anyone else yet, thankfully.

It's so hard to accept that your oldest son is gone. You imagined seeing him as a father, as a man, of doing so much with his life and then there is just this void where he should be but never will.  It's unimaginable to have someone taken away so suddenly and so violently and I sometimes feel like I'm trapped in the same room on the same day every day.

I'm still dealing with the anxiety and aloneness. People stop talking to you because they just don't know what to say and honestly, don't want to think that it could happen to them.  Even worse are the ones who think that it was because you have done something wrong in raising him, despite the fact that it is not your fault and not his fault either.

There have been times where the pain of it all has kept me so quiet I've felt like I could just disappear, and times that I try to cover it with so many layers of facades that I lose myself.

I am so sorry for your loss, and all that you have gone through and will go through in the next few years.  For me, I am now mired in the court system, watching and dealing with the trial of the man who killed my first born son over a measly $60. I've nearly lost my mind I think. If it weren't for my youngest son, I think that the grief would have done me in long before now.

You aren't alone, I still do the texting. I find comfort in it. There is so little comfort in anything else when it comes to my sons future...

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There is this great book I can suggest called 'I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye'  by Brook Noel and Pamela Blair PhD that I have found really helpful. It's also available in Audio format (which I prefer because I can't cry and read at the same time).

You'll never be the same. You need time to find a new normal, and that's perfectly okay. It can take years, I'm going through the same process.

Much love to you and your family MamaDukes.

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