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Lost Dad, trying to care for mom


ChildofGod182

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ChildofGod182

Hi all, hope this finds you doing as well as can be. This is my first post so I apologize if under the wrong area. I am 34 and lost my dad in May. He had just turned 62. It was sudden, We went over for my birthday and discovered he was ill, took him to ER where as he was rushed to surgery. I got my final "I love You" as he passed 8 days later of a perforated stomach. We moved mom in with us as she is unable to care for herself. I can't grieve dad. It has been 8 months and I still deny it, try to call him, and the nightmares are unbearable. My question is twofold.

First, I consistently dream that he is angry and disappointed in me for various reasons. Dreams are always weird but I hate waking up with that gut-wrenching feeling that I am disappointing him. He always was, and always will be my first love, my hero, and my baseball buddy. Life utterly sucks without him and everything feels incomplete. I have a beautiful family, a wonderful husband and two amazing girls, he loved them so much. I shouldn't feel so empty but I do. He never was the angry type, he was the protector and I always was far closer to him than mom. We just had so much in common. Up to the end he told me he was proud of me so I don't know where these dreams are coming from but I can't shake them. Anyone experience this? Did anything work? 

Also, I have horrible isssues with my mom. She has always struggled with anxiety, depression, and substance abuse that she hid from us for many years. Since dad passed and we moved her in, she has died too, emotionally that is. We have tried counseling, hospitalization, all you can think of. But she is either high on her prescriptions or sleeping. She has showered 5 times in the 8 months since dad passed, has gotten violent over her addictions, but does nothing to ever change. It has destroyed our relationship with the things she has put us through and our children through. We live in a new home that was beautiful new build and it practically needs gutted. She is filthy, has no will to live, has OD'd. I feel like an orphan. I try to understand that her pain is tenfold, that this is worse for her...I try to help but nothing gets through. And she threatens the worse whenever I confront her. She refuses help and won't help herself. Has anyone gone through this with a grieving parent? We have always had issues with her behavior but it has gotten so much worse since dad passed. Sorry for the novel, and if it is garbled or doesn't make much sense. It's a lot to try and get out into this little box. Anyone ever deal with either of these issues? I wish you all the best! 

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Dear ChildofGod,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your father. I'm so sorry. There is so many emotions with grief and our minds are so busy trying to process everything that is happening, I think its only normal to have these types of dreams. I would try journaling and see if that will help.

About your mom, I know you are doing everything you can. And its a very hard situation. Can a trusted friend or family member talk to her? Pastor? Or maybe its time to access social services in the community? Take her to see a doctor for an evaluation? As daughters we try so hard to help our parents. But if its getting to the breaking point, we must try access additional resources through friends, family or the community. Maybe ask your mom to go to family counselling?

Sorry for all the pain and sorrow. There is so much on your shoulders. Losing a beloved parent is one toughest experiences any of us can go through. Thinking of you.

 

 

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