Still Heartbroken

[Katerose1]

Not sure if there are others here like me.  I lost my husband suddenly four and a half years ago when he drowned, even though he was a good swimmer.  He was 55 years old and we were together for 35 years, married for 33.  Now I am 60 and I am still so, so sad every day.  I somehow still can't believe this happened.  We were a few years away from retirement, and my husband (who worked a lot) said we would have plenty of time together.  We were supposed to grow old together.  We had our problems, but we loved each other so much.  He was a wonderful, kind man who was loved and admired by many.  There is just no way this should have happened.  I still spend a lot of time crying and wondering why I'm still here when he is gone.  Life just has no meaning to me anymore, no matter how much I try to carry on.  When I'm not at work or at yoga, I am mostly laying on the couch feeling so sad and exhausted.  I thought that my grief would get better with time, but it is still unbearable.  How do I go on living?

[Emeliza]

Katerose--

I don't know how we keep going on, I just know we do.  I don't know why we are still here....alone, but we are.

I am so sorry your love passed on.  I am only at 5 months---23 weeks---and some days are so awful.

I do hope this forum helps you with healing or venting or whatever it is you need.

[reader]

Dear Katerose,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your beloved husband. I'm so sorry. Its a huge loss.  And it will take a long time to understand what has happened. The grief journey is a long one. My counsellor told me it could take 5 years before I feel even happier. I don't think the sadness will ever go away. Have you considered joining a support group or speaking with a counsellor? Or seeing a doctor? I know its hard to keep going on. But you are doing the right thing by working and going to yoga. Please continue to surround yourself with caring friends and family and expressing yourself on this forum. Thinking of you.

[KayC]

Katerose,

BTW, what a beautiful name!  I am so sorry that your time together was also cut short.  My husband, George, died barely 51, it's now 11 1/2 years later.  I've had to accept that this is my life now, not the one of my choosing.  I've adjusted as well as anyone can under the circumstances.  I've had to learn to do life without him.  I've had to make decisions on my own, undergo surgery without him here, survive everything without him by my side, without him to talk to or consult.  I miss him every day of my life.  Finding purpose to my life too much much time, years, and it's still not the same as HIM being my purpose.  But a reason to get up.  I have a dog and cat left, thank God, that's given me incentive to keep going.  I love my kids but they're grown with their own lives now.  

As far as finding happiness goes...I've learned to look for joy, it's important for our focus to acknowledge the least little bit of joy we can see.  Our big joy is gone, we won't get them back...well, not until the other side that is.  But having that big joy gone doesn't take away from the small joys that we encounter.  I've learned to live in the present, to fully experience and appreciate what there is about this day.  This is not a lesson easily grasped but one that takes both deliberate choice and purpose.  Do I still have meltdowns?  Yes, but not as often, usually not as long, perhaps not as intense.  

I know when our time comes to reunite, all of this will melt away as we are once again in each other's arms again.  We are one, I can't even imagine it any other way.

[Elizabeth dakin]

I lost my partner and best friend ever oct 20th, 2016.    I dont know how people can live through this pain.   

[KMB]

Katerose1-----Welcome and yes, there are plenty of us on the same journey as you. This journey will end when we are reunited with our loves on the other side. It is such a long, lonely journey, isn't it? We are not the same, nor can we be, and life certainly isn't.  I am sorry about the tragic circumstances behind your husband's passing. No matter how little or how much time has gone by, we will never fully be able to accept the why's of it all. Maybe it is a question that will never be answered, so we choose to stay away from the wondering. You wonder about how to go on living? You are doing well and you will continue to do so.

You still have something going for you---you still work and doing yoga. You are getting out of the house and interacting with life. I don't even have that much going for me, I kinda let myself get stuck in a rut and still figuring things out. My pets are the ones getting me out of bed each day. I thought about yoga a few years ago. Use to tease my husband that I had to stay healthy to take care of him. Well, my purpose, my meaning, the love of my life has gone to the other side.  We are not guaranteed tomorrow and I take it one day at a time.

This is a caring group on this forum. Keep posting and we will be listening, ready to give what comfort we can.

[KMB]

Elizabeth----My condolences on the loss of your partner. We are all in the same boat and welcome to this forum. How do people live through the pain?  I don't know, it is a pain like no other and we all deal with it differently. It is an emotional roller coaster and you learn to go with it. When you feel like crying, you cry. You feel like screaming, do it into a pillow or go out in the woods somewhere and let it go. Log onto this forum and vent it out. Start journaling, getting the words out on here or on paper was what helped me the most. Sometimes seeing your own words, your feelings in black and white gives validation to the pain. The pain does evolve over time, isn't quite so intense. In the beginning, I was breaking down all the time, little things can be the biggest triggers. I was having constant panic attacks. My chest hurt so much I felt like I was suffocating. It all has gotten a little bit easier.

Having a constant support group of family and friends is the best help of all. I hope you have that for yourself. Have you considered outside grief counseling? My prayers are with you.

[olemisfit]

Katerose, you have my deepest sympathies and prayers.  And I apologize for the word i'm about to use, but sometimes the nice words just don't scratch the surface. This grief crap does truly SUCK!! My journey started new year's day of last year. I had to help my wife of 41 years cross over after a 17 day battle on life support. I began my 2nd year the first of this month and, so far, it's hitting me harder than the first year did. You know how that first year is. You spend the first half of it feeling lost and overwhelmed. And during the second half you're at least halfway occupied just trying figure out how to fit all the pieces together for this new life/existence we don't want. And then year 2 comes along and you have to face the certainty that (in my case anyhow) what i see is what i got. This is the way it's gonna be from here on out. It doesn't leave much to look forward to. But they say time eventually heals all wounds. I sure as heck hope so!  All any of us can do i suppose is just be patient and wait for that scab to eventually start covering these festering wounds we are all carrying around now.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Elizabeth dakin said:

I lost my partner and best friend ever oct 20th, 2016.    I dont know how people can live through this pain.   

Elizabeth,

I'm sorry you lost your partner.  You have found a good place to be, with people who understand and get it.  We live through this because we have no choice, doing one day at a time, no more, sometimes only a moment at a time if that's all we can handle.  Try not to look too far ahead, remember to breathe, take good care of yourself, eat healthy, get some exercise, drink some water.  Self care is more important now than ever, just when you least feel like it, because it give you your best way of surviving this.

I hope you're seeing a Grief Counselor, one specially trained in grief, they are good at guiding us through this maze of grief.  There's also a lot of books and videos, articles out there to help us through it.  I even did art therapy when my husband died as a way to help process my grief.  

In the beginning the pain was unbearable, and I felt like you, how can I live without him?  I didn't even want to.  It takes great time and effort when we least feel like it, but if we put in the grief work, it will pay off by helping us adjust and learning to cope and build a life for ourselves that we can do.  You're off to a good start by coming here.  (((hugs)))