Why do I do it?

[Katie S]

As if my life now isn't hard enough, I've just spent most of the day wearing my partners shirt, looking at old photos and listening to 80's power ballads. Tears wont stop flowing. Its almost as if I want to add to my already unbearable pain and sadness  Is this me going crazy or does anyone else do this?

[reader]

Dear Katie,

Its perfectly normal to do this even though it brings out so many emotions. Its a way for us to feel closer to the person. And its alright to want to look at photos and remember. Please don't feel like you are going crazy, its all part of the grieving process. Do this as much as you need to.

[Emeliza]

I read his old emails when I need to feel closer to him and lay with his pillow, in his clothes, listening to songs he loved.....and I cry.

Today I went to my works annual bowling tournament.  I don't normally bowl, just once a year with the same team for the last 4 or 5 years.  I had already had a hard wake up missing my darling. At the bowling alley, they played a ton of music and I found myself needing to hide in the bathroom or trying to face away from everyone as I couldn't stop tearing up or crying.  I kept picturing my husband dancing around the kitchen or singing some of the lyrics.  I knew songs he liked would trigger me, but they weren't even playing songs we had really listened to, just songs about love or from when we would have been young.

Thankfully for the second half of the time I was there they played music that didn't make me think of him so much.  

I knew music was a trigger, but because I listen to NPR or audio books in the car (unless I want to think of him and I listen to a playlist of his favorites), I didn't realize how much of one it was. Especially when they weren't even "our" songs......

[KayC]

When I was new in my grief, I listened to all of his CDs, like it was a connection to him, even the ones that weren't my taste in music.  We both love country music but he had more eclectic taste than I do and he loved pretty much everything but rap.  Blues, Jazz, Reggae, Classical, Rock, you name it.  Sometimes it was very painful, hearing the words, wondering why he selected that particular CD to buy.  And I still love to wrap myself in his robe, the next best thing to having him here himself.

[Katie S]

Thank you all. I really appreciate your posts. Music is a massive trigger for me so I should have known better than to spend the day torturing myself in that way. It got so bad at one point I thought I was going to vomit I was crying so much but I still carried on. I just miss him so much and hate that I am here without him. Tomorrow, I will try and look for another way to get through the day. 

[Kevin9]

My Mom has been staying with me for the past three weeks and today a movie my wife and I liked to watch was on while I was making soup. It was (National Treasure) we used to say the line from Jon Voight "just another clue" all the time and always laughed. When the movie was on it was just like someone hit rewind and I was back 1-2 months watching with my wife enjoying the movie. I can't imagine all those little things that have a memory attached and what to do moving forward. Can you get to a point where the happy memories make you smile and not the feeling of deep sadness that you will never get to share all those little things? It's such a surreal experience and I continually feel like I'm in one of those deep dream states and waiting to wake up from it. 

[KMB]

Kevin9,  I'm sorry for all of us. I felt like I was in a nightmare also. But no, sadly this is our reality. Certain things can be triggers. For me it is music and certain tv shows. Personal belongings. Anything really. Just go with the flow of the emotions. I'm not there yet myself, but I would think eventually these things get easier to bear. I'm just filled with sadness now, I do try to stay out of the depression pit.

It is good of your mom to be staying with you. It has to be so helpful for you. My oldest daughter was able to stay with me for the first week and I am thankful to her. Don't know what i would have done without her. Nothing or no one can take away the pain and the loneliness but it is comforting to have someone nearby. Hang in there, Kevin.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Kevin9 said:

Can you get to a point where the happy memories make you smile and not the feeling of deep sadness that you will never get to share all those little things?

Yes!  It takes quite a while and the timetable is different for everyone as we all process grief differently, but in the beginning, thoughts of George brought me immense pain and now it brings me comfort and encouragement and I smile at the memories now.  Just yesterday I was telling my sister how we made snow angels together, he was so much fun!  I miss him and the time that I had him with me was the best part of my life.

[KayC]

13 minutes ago, KMB said:

Certain things can be triggers.

Anything associated with emotion in our brain can bring an emotional response in our brain and it's remembered differently than mere facts.  For instance, if we went for a drive and had a special day, years later, going for a drive in that same place will bring us back to that time and place and the loss hits us again, how we miss them.  It's a different part of the brain that is used when there is emotion involved.  As the years go by, even though we miss them, we might remember those things fondly without the same pain associated earlier because we've worked at processing our grief.

[KMB]

KayC---Our minds and how they work is complex. I must be overly sensitive and emotional. Everything can be a trigger if I allow it. We walked the same floors in this house, sat at the same table. Stood at the same door windows to watch the weather or wait for the dog to be let in. Sat on the same furniture. We even shared the bathroom together because we were so comfortable. Even going out to the garage brings me to tears when I think of all the times my husband and I would walk that back and forth path together. Even driving one of our vehicles is tough. I still picture him there beside me. Even the darn tv remote. My husband practically had it velcroed to his hand. In 2006, I had to bring our bed downstairs to the livingroom. My husband could not do the stairs anymore. So we lived in close quarters between the living room and kitchen. I have thought about sleeping upstairs again, but with both knees and a hip that are bad and the dog and his arthritis, I feel we are safer just leaving things be. I love the comfort of our home, the place where my husband grew up, but it is also so emotional with all the memories. I held down the fort here when my husband was away working. I guess that is what I will keep doing, finding other things to do to fill in the voids of his absence.

[olemisfit]

Katie, I do my variation of that from time to time. I usually psycho-analyze everything, but I never had with this until i just read this post. Then i did quickly try to think it through some. I think in my case more than anything else it's my way of replacing the physical contact i'll never have again. In my case, i play "our" song over and over and over. I look at our photo albums. Our desire has always been to be cremated, so i walk by the little shrine i made, and pick up the picture of her or her urn and kiss them. And when i lay down in bed i most of the time will hug and kiss one of her pillows before trying to go to sleep. I'm in my 2nd year now and that word "try" still has to be part of that last sentence. We were a team for a little more than 41 years. I will never forget her, stop loving her, or even stop missing her. Even if i outlive her as long as George outlived his Gracie. But I also will never have that intimacy or physical contact ever again in my life. The idea of ever having another significant other in my case is just completely repugnant. So that contact will never be there. And i miss that. All the things i do like you described here in my case i think is just my feeble attempt at replacing what i'll never ever have again. 

Darrel

[Katie S]

Darrel, you've described things exactly the way i feel them. I too will never ever stop loving him and missing him. We became one person so most of me also died with him. We were together for 31 years and i'm 49 now. I know i'm not exactly young but i could still have so many years left without him. That horrifies me so I try not to think like that. It brings on panic and anxiety. People have said to me already that I will find someone else. Like you, to hear those words repulses me. My partner was my first boyfriend. The only man i've ever loved and i was so lucky to share my life with him. 

[olemisfit]

You will be in my prayers Katie. Your plight and mine are a whole lot the same. I'm just a day or 2 older than you. My 68th b'day will be feb. 20th. I always used to say that i didn't feel my age. Unlike my wife, my health was always good so i never felt old. The fact that i'm going into these widower years with remaining alone being a voluntary choice on my part now doesn't make it any easier to take or even look forward to. But since it is my voluntary choice i do understand that i need to hunker down and get used to the idea. It isn't easy, and it's going to take more time. My wife was my 2nd girlfriend, but my first and only marriage. My highschool sweetheart "Dear Johned" me while i was in southeast asia in 1970. I swore off commitment for awhile after that...until my wife hired me for a job in a motel in oct. 1974 (and she's still my boss!).

[KMB]

Darrel, Katie S---So many of us on here come from a generation where love, commitment, relationships meant so much, had maybe more meaning? I don't know what i really want to say. But I witness so many young people treating relationships with utter disregard.  They'll date someone for a short time, get out of it when one little thing doesn't agree with them. And they move on to the next. It becomes a cycle and then they complain they haven't found Mr or Mrs Right. No one takes the time to get to really know someone. No real effort is put into the relationship to give it a chance. We live in a fast paced world and I guess that plays a part in it. Just my thoughts, when I look at what my husband and I had and my observations of young folks.

[olemisfit]

26 minutes ago, KMB said:

Darrel, Katie S---So many of us on here come from a generation where love, commitment, relationships meant so much, had maybe more meaning? I don't know what i really want to say. But I witness so many young people treating relationships with utter disregard.  They'll date someone for a short time, get out of it when one little thing doesn't agree with them. And they move on to the next. It becomes a cycle and then they complain they haven't found Mr or Mrs Right. No one takes the time to get to really know someone. No real effort is put into the relationship to give it a chance. We live in a fast paced world and I guess that plays a part in it. Just my thoughts, when I look at what my husband and I had and my observations of young folks.

Man Alive do i understand what you're getting at. In some ways, our society has really gone Bonkers.No real understanding of what the definition of the word "commitment" even is. I sometimes wonder if the modern day verson of a marriage license has blank spaces on them labeled "To" and "From" (for the starting and ending dates).  Where were the parents of these younger people when values needed to be instilled into them? Busy trying to be their friend? What a military school didn't plant into me in my 7th grade i finished by taking care of myself. Nowadays marriage licenses are filled out with pencil so they can be erased and reused. It's kind of a sad testimonial to the times. That's my 2 cents worth anyhow.

Darrel