It's been just over a month

[fan]

I've never really posted on any forums about something so personal. (Sorry if this is incomprehensible, it turned into venting about my feelings)

Before Christmas, I found my father lying dead in the bathroom in the flat where I grew up during my teenage years. For days I was so sure that I was never going to stop seeing that image when i closed my eyes, but sure enough I manage to move on day by day.

He was my last living parent, my mother committed suicide when I was a baby, and I knew the day was coming because he was a seasonal binge drinking alcoholic who couldn't handle that his only daughter was growing up and becoming independent. But it had to be right then and not in a few years time. 

I thought that I could hold on to the anger to keep myself going, even if it's unhealthy. I'm in my final year of university. I was/am so angry that he would do this to me, at a time when I needed him the most. When i needed a shoulder to cry on about exams or post grad jobs or... anything. But the initial shock has worn out, and university has started again. I decided to stay on and not take a year out because i'm only 5-6 months away from getting a degree. I could get it over with and continue with my life. Delaying for ANOTHER year would mean another helping of student loan to pay back in the future, and extending my already long degree. I have days where I think "maybe I'm making the wrong choice" but most of the time I feel stubborn and so sure of myself that I can do this, because I have managed to overcome so much while only being 23 years old. I could have turned out so much worse, everyone kept implying before the day of the funeral.

At the moment, I do feel confident (slightly) that I can continue on with my work at university and get my degree. And while I've read books and forums on grief, saying that i need to take it slow and take care of myself (which i am trying so very hard), i'm not sure how to... measure how I'm coping. It's not like there's a checklist.

While it seems like my entire family knows about the death (and they do), very few people outside of that group know. Online friends know, my best friends (4 of them) know and my tutors at uni know... but that's it. I don't feel compelled to tell others, it's not exactly their business... but I feel as if it's the better thing to do. Like as if, nothing has changed to the world because my father died, and that only i feel the change. Which is obviously untrue as my uncles of course feel pain at the loss of their brother. I don't want to tell anyone really. When you grow up without a mum, you already have so much sympathy directed towards you... so much so that it can feel like you're being pitied... It's like I know that I'm currently fragile, but I don't want anyone to treat me as if they need to walk on eggshells (which actually... they do seeing as I'm prone to snap at people once a week). How can i possibly explain how it feels to have no living parents to someone who's always had a happy parent-child relationship.

While it's only been a month, and the process of grief is a long and hard road, and initial feelings are obviously very complex and hard to explain (as can be seen by the above...), I just wondered how have other people coped in the initial first months? Did you start anything new to distract yourself? Did you find any books/anything helpful? I reached out to counseling agencies but.... long waiting lists combined with little money means waiting for a long time...

[MollieMcDoodlesMom]

Hello !

I just read your post and I'm sending my condolences regarding the recent passing of your father .

I can't imagine the pain you are enduring and trying to finish schooling to get your degree . My mother passed away almost 2 yrs ago from a long illness . It does take time for the shock and pain to lessen . As you said , the process is long and hard . You asked what others have done to cope with the change or loss ? Something that has helped me tremendously is a brochure that I have provided a link for . It offers practical advice and words of wisdom . We offer this same brochure to persons in our local communities and to the funeral industry .

The brochure helps to explain how we can deal with grief and also to provide a hope for the future . I also provided a link to a magazine especially designed for depressed young ones . Maybe there will be something contained in it to help ease the sadness .

I am able to be contacted thru this website if you have questions or just need someone to talk with . I can also be contacted on Instagram if that is easier . My handle is :" fakoonce " . I've been making a special effort to connect with teens and young adults who need comfort .

Please consider this an open invitation . Best Wishes !

Frances

https://www.jw.org/finder?pub=g17&issue=201702&wtlocale=E&srcid=share   Teen Depression

https://www.jw.org/finder?pub=we&wtlocale=E&srcid=share  When Someone You Love Dies

 

 

 

[reader]

Dear Fan,

I'm so sorry for your loss. And for all the pain and sorrow you are going through. Everything you are writing about is part of the grief journey and only natural. The first few months are the toughest. After my dad passed, I thought I would work more and keep myself busy. But I still cried almost every day. And I kept going over and over what happened leading up to my dad's passing. Now three months later, I still cannot believe my father is gone. I'm not sure if the university offers free counselling sessions or if there are other programs in the community you could access. I've read a lot of different articles but sometimes what works for one person doesn't work for another. But here are the sites I've tried reading from: What's Your Grief and Tiny Buddha. There are two books people have also mentioned: C.S Lewis a A Grief Observed and Joan Didion The Year of Magical Thinking. And other times I spend time Googling different questions about how to recover from lost. Please continue to try and take care of yourself the best you can. The reality of losing my father has been surreal. And three months later, I still don't want to believe it or accept it. But I know I must carry on, I hope I can. You are strong and thoughtful young woman. Thinking of you.

[Guest]

Dear Fan,

  I am sorry for your loss. It has only been a month since I found my dad dead on his bedroom floor on what was supposed to be a happy day, my 53rd birthday. Like you I thought I'd never manage to get the image out of my head and since it happened in the house I shared with him, I really thought it would be hard to go into that room without seeing the whole thing in my mind again. But thankfully I've been able to be in the room many times since and only when I find myself laying in bed thinking too much, is when I see that image so I try not to do that to myself.

 I have found that keeping busy helps me and have been going through his clothes and throwing out some and donating others.  I've also been clearing out the clutter in my own part of the house, since eventually I will want to sell the house and need to start downsizing.  

 I am also making plans with as many friends as I can to go out for lunches, dinners, to bars to see bands play and I also signed up for a charity bowling event. I'm also going on my annual trip to Vegas in March and plan to really let loose this time around.  

When my mom passed away nearly 12 years ago I did similar things, first joining various groups that I found online to meet people in my area that had common interests and then after being introduced to a fairly well known band, I became a groupie and have followed them for the past 11 years (although that's kind of run it's course due to jealousy from some of the other fans who didn't like me getting close to one of the members, so I'm not doing much of that anymore).

You mentioned family and 4 best friends, if they live nearby I suggest spending as much time with them doing fun things or just venting to them as I'm sure they would not mind being there to listen.