Want to share my experience.

[fzald]

I sometimes feel angry when I hear of other people surviving what my girlfriend died of. I know it's a normal part of grief, but I ask myself the same question: why do others survive when she didn't? Statistically from what I read, half of people who have sudden burst aneurysms die within the first month. So that means she effectively had a 50 50 chance of living. She died. But others have lived and even 100% recovered as if nothing had ever happened. I don't understand it. I know there are no answers. But I just can't accept it. Why her? 

It just teaches you that good deeds really don't mean you will be spared. My girlfriend did good deeds every single day of her life. But in the end it was all up to chance. She happened to have an aneurysm. When it burst she had a chance to live and a chance to die, and she died. Like rolling dice or spinning a wheel. Complete indifference to her life, what it meant and stood for. The dice don't care if you're poor or rich, everyone has an equal chance to win. Burst aneurysms don't care if you're a saint, they still can take you out...

It makes you wonder why. Why bother? It turns your whole concept of right and wrong and reward and punishment on its head. You learn that no matter how good you are, you can die. But you also learn that no matter how good you are, someone else close to you can die. From pure random chance. Not because you did anything wrong. Just chance. Life is a game of chance. It's so humbling.

[Nads]

 It is true that death has no regard...if you've been good or not, if you are wealthy or not. It just happens and we have no control over it. It can happen at anytime to anyone of us. It is unfair that death chose our loved ones. But we are now left here to try to deal with it, to survive as best as we could in any way that we could. We have to find a reason to live when there is none, find joy in things when there is none. I don't know how any of us here do it but we do. We live another day each day. Life happens whether we want it or not...just as death. Every day is a challenge but we make it through, battered and bruised, but we make it to a next day.  We wake up and have to do it all again. I have those days when I don't think I'm going to make it then there are days when it's not as difficult as the others. As time passes our minds find ways to help us adjust. The sadness is always there though but now and then a smile or two comes. This is hard and it will always be part of us. We will survive because our loved ones will want us to. I really do hope we'll be with them again one day but honestly I just don't know. I hope he is watching over me but I just don't know. All I do know for sure is how much I miss him and love him and that he loved me. 

God Bless us all. 

[Andy]

Good or bad, death is inevitable to all. I think living the best life you can, serving others, helping, being kind and generous, those things are it's own reward. Death will come upon me regardless of if I wish it to, but I will continue to live a good life. The point, for me, is that despite the reality of our mortality, I choose to defy the harshness of this world by turning to a more beautiful meaning. My wife suffered so much, but loved even more. I can do no less, at lest to try. 

Praying you find peace and comfort my friend,

Andy

[ModHerc]

8 hours ago, Andy said:

Good or bad, death is inevitable to all. I think living the best life you can, serving others, helping, being kind and generous, those things are it's own reward. Death will come upon me regardless of if I wish it to, but I will continue to live a good life. The point, for me, is that despite the reality of our mortality, I choose to defy the harshness of this world by turning to a more beautiful meaning. My wife suffered so much, but loved even more. I can do no less, at lest to try. 

Praying you find peace and comfort my friend,

Andy

Amen.  I also choose to acknowledge my wife's contributions to the world.  She may be gone, but the legacy of love, caring and compassion she left with us remains.  At first the enormity of what I lost had blinded me to it, but every day, I find a little more of the love she left behind.  Wishing everyone continued peace and compassion,

Herc

[Andy]

Absolutely, I still have my moments, this morning being a prime example. I have to sometimes make the conscious choice to BE positive, and I know that sounds incredibly naive or just outlandish, but as I said, I watched my wife deal with monstrous demons for many, many years and little did she ever complain. She handled her circumstances better than I could've, so her example won't be wasted on me. We all face death, there were never any guarantees or promises, just hope. My wife never gave up hope, because even in her darkest moments, she believed life was worth fighting for, worth living. She gave her heart and soul to her family, I'll honor that legacy the best I can. I'm sure to fall short, but I will do my best. It's all any of us can do. 

Andy

[KayC]

fzald,

It's natural to wonder why someone else made it through (whatever your partner died of) and your's didn't.  This week someone I know had a heart attack and wasn't going to make it, they took him off life support...and guess what, he lived!  For a moment, I wondered why that couldn't have happened to my George.  I guess that's the human side of us.  And then I was truly happy his family gets a different outcome.  I don't know the answer to that, it is what it is, nothing I say, think, or do, affects change in it.  You are someone who wonders a lot...I guess that can work for and against you.  I know I've often been told I overthink things, it's a trait I was born with, never have been able to change it, it made it hard to be a good test taker, I know that.  I'm too tired to over-wonder anymore, but maybe you'll discover something great with your young thinking mind.  Maybe that's why you're still here.  

 

[fzald]

KayC, you are definitely right, I have a very active mind, I have always been a very deep thinker. It's actually one thing I shared with my girl, we were both deep inquisitive minds and we could talk about the most random, off the wall subjects and enjoy it. Some people will ask things of me like "how exactly do you come ulcer with this sh--?" Not her. She would do it right alongside me. She was the one person I knew who could keep up with my thoughts and questions. Now it's like I have this mind with so much to share, and nobody to do it with.

My active mind comes in handy at work. It gives me my ability to solve complex problems. But it also makes it hard for me not to fixate on things I can't solve. The worst thing for me in school was when someone would say "It doesn't matter." It mattered to me! I could never let things go. Now this is my worst trait, because I can't let my grief go. I can't logically answer any questions I have, something that always drove me nuts from childhood, so now my desperate mind seeks answers to questions with no answers, and my heart continues to hurt and suffer from her loss.

 

[KayC]

It is good for thinking outside the box.  It seemed to go along with my creativity.

You mention not being able to let your grief go...but maybe you will find a unique way through it...I don't think we can "let it go".

[Andy]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

It is good for thinking outside the box.  It seemed to go along with my creativity.

You mention not being able to let your grief go...but maybe you will find a unique way through it...I don't think we can "let it go".

Grief IS connected directly to our loss, our memories, so I don't believe we can ever "let it go". That's so true, sad, but it's a natural state within the context of our deeper and more meaningful, intimate relationships and when those relationships are severed or altered in such a tragic or even "natural" way. I'm coming to accept this as part of life, an unavoidable part perhaps, undesirable to be sure, horrific in its effect, consequences unseen. The timing is always questioned, but I'm trying to not question "why?" so much. There isn't an answer, not one that'll make a difference. We die. Plain and simple. Early, late, young, old, middle aged, we all die. We give life meaning through our choices, the paths we take, the love we give. I love my wife. I always will. She made me a better person just by being my wife. She gave me happiness, joy, comfort, a beautiful daughter, memories I'll cherish always, and in return I'm going to keep living up to the expectations she had of me. To continue to love, to take care of our baby girl, to see the beauty around me, take nothing for granted, cherish my family and friends, and know that she's always with me, I'm never truly alone. I miss her so much, everyday, every minute, and I WILL see her again, but in the meantime, I have something to do. What? I don't know, but I will hopefully figure that out. 

Love to you all, peace and comfort,

Andy

[KMB]

Andy---Thank you for your post. You expressed the basic simplicity of our losses. The basics of our existence. We have to absorb, process and accept what this life has dealt us with our losses. We reveled in the joys and now writhe in pain at the sorrows.

[ModHerc]

At the same point in time that we writhe in our sorrows, we also extend our joys.  We are here for one another.  We reach out to those in our same situation.  We do so in the hope that we can help them, and in an attempt to help ourselves.

This simple act is what gives us further purpose.  Our loved ones would want us to, or would want others to do the same for us.  Christine would be so greatful to all of you for helping me.  She would also be reaching out to help you if she could.

For me, that compassion is the meaning, and the legacy.  It might be as big as helping someone who finds the cure for some debilitating illness, or as small as making someone who is feeling a bit low smile.  The actual outcome doesn't matter.  The effort of trying to help is it's own reward.

That is what I think will eventually heal this pain, connections with, and compassion for other people.  We all do it, instinctively.  I think there may be a larger reason behind that.  I might also be kidding myself into believing that, maybe nothing will help any of it.  But I feel a lot better when I try.  Peace and love to all of you,

Herc

[KMB]

Herc, What you said, is true and heart felt. Thank you for reminding me. Sorry, my  brain doesn't work so well as it used to. It used to look at things from every angle possible.

[ModHerc]

KMB,

We all get low, and it is much harder to see when we do.  You have nothing to be sorry for, your post got me thinking about it and helped me in that moment.  It's all a puzzle and we likely won't put all the pieces together, but thank you so much for talking with me while we sort out the edges.  Hoping the rough moments ease up for you,

Herc

[KMB]

Herc, It is our connections with others that will help us through. Speaking for myself, if it wasn't for this board and the compassion of others, I do not truly know how I would be or where I would be. I am serious about it. I can name on one hand the few who have stuck with me in my grieving. We had many friends. I mistakenly thought they were friends. My husband was a well liked, knowledgeable person. But now, when I reflect back, I was *just the wife*, apparently. Just the person who supplied the endless pots of coffee, the many hotdogs, hamburgers and pizzas to those who visited. My husband owned a trucking company. I was co-owner and did more than my share of being a team mate. Those friends and business people seem to have forgotten they benefited from my writing out their checks and filing paperwork. I had to finish dissolving the business and I've been sad and disappointed that people have dissolved themselves from my life also. I'm not looking for sympathy here, but some people just don't *get it*, if they haven't been through it.

[ModHerc]

KMB,

I know exactly what you mean.  There are coworkers who can't look me in the eye.  Neighbors who had coffee at our house who now avoid me while I walk to my car.  Family members who are clamoring for us to give away Christine's possessions.  Even some of those who should "get it" simply don't.

We deserve their help at this low point in our lives.  They should be there for us, and they aren't, or worse yet they are trying to profit from our loss.  I could be angry about it, I could even justifiably retaliate about some of it.  Instead I pity them.

I'm a dispatcher, I tell about forty drivers what they should be doing at any given point in time, that's my job.  The other day a driver did something the was remarkably stupid, as in another one of the drivers remarked to me how stupid it was.  The actual quote was "How do you put up with that all day?"  My response was simple.  "I have to deal with that stupidity for 8 hours a day, he has to live his life like that.  I feel bad for him."

That is how I feel about the people who just don't get it.  It hurts us for a while, but that is all they know.  That lack of understanding and compassion is it's own punishment, just as our compassion and concern is it's own reward.

I unfortunately know because I was one of "those" people.  A coworker of mine's wife passed about seven years ago.  I offered the "proper" condolences and then went about my life.  If I had known then what I know now it would have been so different.  He has since retired, and I would dearly like to talk to him, but I have no means of contacting him. If I had been a little more empathic during his moment of need, he might be here during mine.

In any event it doesn't truly matter.  In the future I will do better, and in the present I have all of you wonderful people to help me through.  I'm so sorry we have to be here together, but I am glad for the excellent company,

Herc

[Andy]

Herc,

Well said, all of it. Reaching out, connecting through the grief, it has its own "terrible beauty", if that makes sense? It's terrible what brought us here, together, but so wonderful that we reach in a hope to not just help ourselves, but one another. 

KMB, 

I feel much as you do, this site, the people here, have been such a revelation for me. I've gathered so much insight, strength and simple comfort from knowing I'm not alone, that there are indeed (unfortunately) those who understand my pain. I also understand the loneliness of not just that caused by my wife's passing, but the "friends" who have wandered away. Other than my one, invaluable and trusted friend, I've been marginalized somewhat. The text messages slowed then stopped, the visits really never materialized, the invitations evaporated. Of course at first, when people ask or try to get you to "go out", you aren't emotionally or psychologically ready for that. I wasn't. To a large degree, I'm still not. As you begin to look outwards, all the well wishers have moved on. We certainly don't feel like calling upon them and inserting ourselves into their lives, I already feel like a third wheel or someone that'll just elicit pity. I don't "blame" anyone for this, people have their own lives, and by and large, people don't know what to do. Yet we're still stuck, alone with our sorrow, wondering why our lives are so empty. Maybe that's why some choose to pick up and start over somewhere else? Maybe it's easier, no matter who you run into, you're "the one who's wife/husband died". Anywhere else, no one associates you with that, you're just another face in the crowd. I don't know, I can't up and leave, this is my home, but a new circle of company might be in order. My old one hasn't been that supportive, but would I be any better? It's like I don't matter. I'm like you, I'm not looking for pity, but it still hurts. Nothing about our situation is good, so many things change, we're often left to our own designs. And nobody realizes how alone we feel, yet who could ease that? My wife certainly, but she isn't coming back. My daughter, yes, to a large extent, but she's my child, not my "companion". My parents are wonderful beyond words, but again, only our partners can be to us what only they can be. So, where does that leave us? Searching, seeking that which we've lost. Looking for something we may never find. For me, it's ok. I had the love of my life, and it was  wonderful and lovely. If that's my due, then I'll join her one day content with what I had. I do, however, intend on living, seeking out small glimpses of happiness, joy, whatever I can do. If the happiness I find is minimal and fleeting, then so be it. I'll hold on dearly to the memories and love that I will always have of my beautiful Tracie, knowing that our distance is a thing measured only in time, and that too will soon pass. 

Love and hugs,

Andy

[Andy]

Herc,

Such a great attitude towards others who don't "get" what this is like. Very admirable. I also understand the "being one of them" before suffering our own losses. I was no different, offering the customary and appropriate words, giving not much real thought afterwards, nothing beyond "that poor guy" or "that has to be terrible! I don't know what I'd do."  I do now. Well, I still don't really know, but I know more than I wish I did. 

Peace friend, 

Andy

[Andy]

This is something that pains me to say, or admit, and perhaps I'm not alone in this, but, it's an issue with my daughter. 

We have always been close, she shares with me things normally girls share with a mom, that's just how we've always been. And our relationship is great, better than great, we're probably closer now since my wife's passing. The problem, if that's what it is, is we sometimes have a difficult time expressing our grief to one another. It's strange, I'm not sure I can pinpoint the cause, but it does bother me. There's an almost "abrasive" quality at times when we discuss my wife, her mom. Maybe that's it, grieving for essentially two separate people, it makes it hard for us to understand the other? She misses her mom, me, my wife. Maybe it's because she's still my "child" and I still, without realizing it, treat her that way? Or maybe it's hard for me to be THAT open with her about how I'm feeling. I think I need to guard her against some of what I'm dealing with, she needs to have something, someone she can rely on. I think perhaps that it's come down to this, we simply can't be around each other and NOT think and talk about Tracie. It creates a tension and a sort of anxiety before we even begin to talk, our conversations will always end up about my wife, her mom. Maybe it's so draining, such an emotionally charged "topic", we just create defensive postures without realizing it. I hate it, this state has effected our relationship, and it just adds more grief and worry, things I can ill afford to add to. Just a byproduct of our loss. 

Let me be clear, we are still very close, a solid foundation built on years of trust and understanding, nothing will change that, but I'm saddened that there's been a "weakening" of sorts. I'm sure time will sort this out, but it's yet something else dad can't seem to get right. 

Everything is so much harder without my wife. Every single thing. I miss her so, so very much.

love to all,

Andy

[ModHerc]

Andy,

I am having very similar problems with my stepdaughter.  With the addition that she is a step daughter, and the concerns that brings up.  The almost guaranteed biological attachment isn't there, and as a result I illogically fear she could go her own way and I would simply be out of her life.  We are very close, and I doubt it would ever happen, but then the grief thinking hits, logic goes out the window and fear and insecurity takes over.

The only breakthrough I have had so far was facilitated by one of her friends early on in a group.  I think maybe having a third person involved might really help because it moves both of us from our own very specific grief to a broader sense of it.  Because we are so close we both think we are grieving in a manner similar to the other, when in reality our journeys are vastly different.

Where we have lost what we built, and our reason for building it, our daughters have lost themselves.  Children view their parents as what they will one day become.  Losing them means losing the foundation of their world, but also gives them one of the first real tastes of mortality.  Further, at least subconsciously they blame the remaining parent.  We should have stopped it, prevented it, as we have prevented so many things in their lives from hurting them.  This realization that mom and dad aren't invincible is another blow on top of it.

I could suggest family therapy, and she might take me up on it, but to date what I am doing is just giving her hugs as often as I can.  I don't have any good answers here other than the same ones we have for everything.  Give her love, support and care.  If you have any breakthroughs let me know, it is as you said, painful.  Good luck to us both,

Herc

[KMB]

Andy, Herc,---The both of you have been outstanding parents .Before your losses and most importantly, after. I can see it in the words written, the concern and love. The solid foundation between dad and daughter was already in place. You all are going through a tough time. Absorbing, processing, grieving. The foundation might get a little shaky, but it will hold strong due to the bond already there. You all will come out stronger, more compassionate. The bonds will be tighter because you held onto the foundation. did not let it crumble away.

 

 

 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Herc said:

"I have to deal with that stupidity for 8 hours a day, he has to live his life like that.  I feel bad for him."

Herc, your response reminds me of my own...my mother was very ill mentally, long before her dementia, she was plagued her whole life with it...and those of us who knew her were plagued by it as well.  One time when my sister was lamenting over her inappropriateness, I replied, "If you think it's hard to be around her, think how hard it is to BE her!  She can never get away from herself!"

You have a very hard job...I had a tiny little taste of dispatching...enough to know that's not what I wanted to be!  I was Office Manager for a mill, properties firm, brokerage, and small trucking company...I remember missing Christmas, etc. trying to get a load for a driver to get home.  NOT easy!  Esp. when your boss is unrealistic about the going rates.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Herc said:

what I am doing is just giving her hugs as often as I can.

Sometimes that is all we can do...just be there for them and love them through this.  Elsewhere I wrote what I'm going through with my daughter, it's so very hard seeing their pain.

[KayC]

KMB,

As long as I live, I will never get how people can desert us in our time of need.  How friends can dissolve friendships because we lost our spouse.  That never ceases to amaze me!  Yet, it's been my experience.  Because they were too chickensh*t to deal with some discomfort surrounding our loss?!  No excuse, sorry!  All of us have to decide for ourselves what we deem friendship to be, what we will accept or not accept, and for myself, I prefer to be alone than waste my time with some poor excuses for friends.  I would not have done that to my friends!  A person may not "get it" and may not know what to say, but I'm talking "friends", CLOSE friends, that instead of coming to George's funeral, decided to head to the coast for the weekend!  Another "friend" that didn't come to the funeral because "my neighbor that she doesn't like might be there" (she wasn't).  No, I don't get it.  Every single friend we had disappeared.  Moved, left no forwarding address.  Seriously!  I never knew George and I had such lame friends!  I cannot let them off the hook, as "friends" they didn't cut it.

Whatever friends I've made since had better measure up better than this, otherwise, I'll stick to my dog.  At least he comes for food.

[Andy]

11 minutes ago, KMB said:

Andy, Herc,---The both of you have been outstanding parents .Before your losses and most importantly, after. I can see it in the words written, the concern and love. The solid foundation between dad and daughter was already in place. You all are going through a tough time. Absorbing, processing, grieving. The foundation might get a little shaky, but it will hold strong due to the bond already there. You all will come out stronger, more compassionate. The bonds will be tighter because you held onto the foundation. did not let it crumble away.

 

 

 

The last thing I'd do would be to let our relationship fracture it deteriorate in any way, it's just a new paradigm to how we interact. Thank you for saying such kind things, I have always, since day one, made my family my priority, really the only priority that matters. I had coworkers that would ask in amazement why I didn't live at my job, why I didn't come in every weekend. I told them that my daughter has a game, or we were all going to a state park or just being with them. They thought I had lost my mind. My response was, and is, "money is a means to an end, sure, it's nice, but it's not my finish line. At the end of my life, the most important thing, the highest testament to me as a dad, will be for my daughter to say, he was always there for me." THAT is, without a doubt, the best thing we can give anyone, our time. Same way I felt about my wife. I WANTED to be with her, doing something, doing nothing, it was my idea of heaven. 

Andy

[Andy]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

KMB,

As long as I live, I will never get how people can desert us in our time of need.  How friends can dissolve friendships because we lost our spouse.  That never ceases to amaze me!  Yet, it's been my experience.  Because they were too chickensh*t to deal with some discomfort surrounding our loss?!  No excuse, sorry!  All of us have to decide for ourselves what we deem friendship to be, what we will accept or not accept, and for myself, I prefer to be alone than waste my time with some poor excuses for friends.  I would not have done that to my friends!  A person may not "get it" and may not know what to say, but I'm talking "friends", CLOSE friends, that instead of coming to George's funeral, decided to head to the coast for the weekend!  Another "friend" that didn't come to the funeral because "my neighbor that she doesn't like might be there" (she wasn't).  No, I don't get it.  Every single friend we had disappeared.  Moved, left no forwarding address.  Seriously!  I never knew George and I had such lame friends!  I cannot let them off the hook, as "friends" they didn't cut it.

Whatever friends I've made since had better measure up better than this, otherwise, I'll stick to my dog.  At least he comes for food.

That's so true, nothing beats a canine for absolute loyalty and unconditional love. And yes, they appreciate any food handouts. 

Friends. Most of the time, unless they "get" something out of the relationship, they won't be around that often. They can and will completely abandon us at the worst times. And I 100% agree with you, I'd much rather be alone that try and nurture something that wasn't really there to begin with. I'm used to it though, my wife being sick and ill, we didn't have many "friends" anyway. That's ok though, the few we did have are treasures, and that'll have to be enough. 

Andy

[ModHerc]

5 hours ago, KMB said:

Andy, Herc,---The both of you have been outstanding parents .Before your losses and most importantly, after. I can see it in the words written, the concern and love. The solid foundation between dad and daughter was already in place. You all are going through a tough time. Absorbing, processing, grieving. The foundation might get a little shaky, but it will hold strong due to the bond already there. You all will come out stronger, more compassionate. The bonds will be tighter because you held onto the foundation. did not let it crumble away.

 

 

 

KMB,

Thank you.  I think I am a great dad, but having someone see it and say it really helps.  I'll be ok, and I think the relationship between my stepdaughter and myself is strong, but these grief thoughts really don't give you a break.  Thanks for the encouragement,

Herc

[ModHerc]

KayC,

Yep, 20 years and counting behind the radio now.  The average career for a dispatcher is 2 years.  Most people can't handle the stress.  It is taxing going through this with that job.  I honestly don't know if I can keep doing it much longer.  I have some feelers out for other positions, we will see what happens.  Wishing you the best,

Herc

[ModHerc]

16 hours ago, Andy said:

Herc,

Such a great attitude towards others who don't "get" what this is like. Very admirable. I also understand the "being one of them" before suffering our own losses. I was no different, offering the customary and appropriate words, giving not much real thought afterwards, nothing beyond "that poor guy" or "that has to be terrible! I don't know what I'd do."  I do now. Well, I still don't really know, but I know more than I wish I did. 

Peace friend, 

Andy

Andy,

Thanks.  We will unfortunately have other chances to do better in the future.  I'm having one right now actually.  One of my drivers called me and told me he couldn't make it Monday because his mother passed.  I talked with him for a while to help him calm down a bit, and Monday I'll get involved and make sure HR takes care of bereavement leave and reaches out with counseling numbers for him in case he needs them.  There are no dress rehearsals for life, we just do the best we can, but we learn and improve as we go through it.  Hoping your doing well,

Herc

[KayC]

Herc,

It takes a special kind of a person to be a Dispatcher.  And whatever they pay them isn't enough!

[Nads]

One of my husband's close friends passed away this morning. I went to offer my condolences and his wife hugged me so hard and didn't want to let go. We both cried and cried. I had absolutely no words. She and her husband couldn't come to Stan's wake or funeral because he was too ill and she was his care giver. I did speak to her on the phone a few times though but it was the first time seeing her since Stan passed. I am so sorry. I want to help but I don't want to come across as 'been there done that'. I leaving now to go to a prayer service at her house. This all just brings back everything. I need to be strong. There will be a lot of people who knew Stan there as well. At least I know Stan would have been the first to welcome him in heaven! And they have each other now. 

Bless them both. 

[Andy]

28 minutes ago, Nads said:

One of my husband's close friends passed away this morning. I went to offer my condolences and his wife hugged me so hard and didn't want to let go. We both cried and cried. I had absolutely no words. She and her husband couldn't come to Stan's wake or funeral because he was too ill and she was his care giver. I did speak to her on the phone a few times though but it was the first time seeing her since Stan passed. I am so sorry. I want to help but I don't want to come across as 'been there done that'. I leaving now to go to a prayer service at her house. This all just brings back everything. I need to be strong. There will be a lot of people who knew Stan there as well. At least I know Stan would have been the first to welcome him in heaven! And they have each other now. 

Bless them both. 

Nads,

I think thats a kind thing, for you to knowingly step into a situation that will undoubtedly intensify your grief, but facing that anyway to help a friend. Stan once again gets to see what a "stand up gal" he has. Who knows, you may end up furthering your own journey by being one of the few who really understands. 

I'm also sorry about the loss of your friend. Death has a insatiable appetite, doesn't seem to ever take a day off. 

Love and hugs,

Andy

[Meesh]

Nads

That must have been very emotional for you, i experienced somthing similar at my boyfriends funeral, an older friend of mine that had lost her husband probably about a yr before couldnt stop hugging me and couldnt stop her tears i know now that she felt so bad for me for what i had to endure and only people like us know the pain of how it is. I am sure you will give great comfort to your friend in the coming wks and months, i dont think for 1 minute you will come over as ''been there done that' she will be glad and grateful for your love, comfort and advice, hopefully you will comfort each other, much love to you and your friend x

[Nads]

Andy, Meesh....I think my friend is comforted to some degree by having me there. I think it's because she knows that I have gone through what she is going through. I happy to be there for her in any way that I can. Thank you both for your kind words. I believe this life is all about we being there for whoever we can and whenever we can...what else matters. 

Prayers and love to you

[Meesh]

Nads, andy is right you re brave and a good person,  i was comforted knowing that my friend knew what i was going thru its the same as this forum,  people getting how we feel helps, also my job is running a shop, somedays that is difficult for me, having to put on a facade pretending im ok, but some of my customers open up to me and its surprizing how many people who i didnt realise have gone thru what we have, one in particular she is 54 now, her husband died when she was 49 of a sudden heart attack, she inspires me into seeing a bit of light, she tells me of her dark days but now i see a kind, smart lady who now after 5 yr of grieving i think would like to find someone new, i wish her well in that she deserves it, its a cruel journey we're on and we all deserve some peace after what weve been thru x

[KayC]

Nads,

My GF's husband died after George did, going to the hospital to see him was so hard, it was the same hospital, brought back memories, tears pouring down my cheeks, I couldn't stop them.  But I went, I wanted to be there for her.  Bless you as you are a support and a comfort to her.   "He gives us comfort in all our troubles. Then we can comfort other people who have the same troubles. We give the same kind of comfort God gives us. 2 Corinthians 1:4"

[Nads]

KayC...thanks for your support. I have to attend the funeral on Wednesday. It's the first one I will be attending since Stan's. I am already getting nervous about it. I know it's gonna be hard but I know I must face things like these sooner or later. I still have a hard time grocery shopping much less attending a funeral. I know somehow I will get through this. 

God bless 

[Andy]

55 minutes ago, Nads said:

KayC...thanks for your support. I have to attend the funeral on Wednesday. It's the first one I will be attending since Stan's. I am already getting nervous about it. I know it's gonna be hard but I know I must face things like these sooner or later. I still have a hard time grocery shopping much less attending a funeral. I know somehow I will get through this. 

God bless 

Nads, 

I believe you'll do just fine. Obviously it's not a place you necessarily want to be, but you'll do what you need to do, for your friend, and you'll find your strength. 

I have the same problem grocery shopping or any shopping really. I feel my anxiety the worst at those moments, when Tracie was always with me. It just magnifies and solidifies the harsh reality of my life now. 

Breathe deep and you'll be okay, love and hugs,

Andy 

[Andy]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Nads,

My GF's husband died after George did, going to the hospital to see him was so hard, it was the same hospital, brought back memories, tears pouring down my cheeks, I couldn't stop them.  But I went, I wanted to be there for her.  Bless you as you are a support and a comfort to her.   "He gives us comfort in all our troubles. Then we can comfort other people who have the same troubles. We give the same kind of comfort God gives us. 2 Corinthians 1:4"

Amen, well said. So true. 

I'm starting to consider how I'll be when someone inevitably passes away in my ever dwindling family or even one of my close friends. I'm certain I'll be a mess of emotion and stirred up grief, not sure how "stirred up" it'll be though, I don't think it's going anywhere. 

 

[KayC]

It's hard, I've had so many funerals the last few months!  I'm in a small church, we're close knit, lots of 92 year olds, they've been going lately.  These are people I have known and loved for years.  It stirs up so much...

[KMB]

Nads---Hold strong. You'll make it through the funeral tomorrow. You'll do it for your friend and you"ll stand in for Stan, as he will be proud of you doing that for him.

KayC---So sorry for all the funeral attendances.

[KayC]

Nads,

I hope you let us know how it went...

[Andy]

Synchronicity. One of my wife's pall bearers father passed away this morning. Visitation and funeral this Friday, same funeral home as my wife's. My daughter and I will go to the visitation, but I really don't think I can do the funeral. How odd, all of these "passings" going on? Now? The insurance company that was holding my wife's life insurance policies told us that the delay we were having was due to the "unusually high submissions of claims over January". That's four people that have passed away, including my wife, within a 2 1/2 month period, that I know personally, or their next of kin. Uncanny. God bless the families, it's a bad season to be sure. So much pain and loss. 

 

[Nads]

Just got back from the funeral I had to attend. When I got there I sat in the car for a while gathering up some courage to go in. Eventually I did. As I entered I could feel my anxiety growing. I sat and began taking some deep breaths. I began reading the funeral program and under "friend of" was stan and my names. When I saw that, more so Stan's name, tears began to flow. I was able to gather myself and make it through the service. I paid my respects and offered condolences and left without too much unnecessary interaction. It was tough and sad and brought back so many memories of Stan's funeral. I looked at the widow and thought that was me just five months ago. I hope I can help her in some way through her grieving. 

I pray for her and all of us here. 

[Nads]

Andy, you're right. This is a bad season. I too find that there are a lot of passings happening and I find it happens to persons who will still be considered young to pass. Quite unusual...or is it? Maybe we never paid much attention before? Prayers to you. 

[fzald]

The same week that my girlfriend passed another young person passed away in our community, he was a sports player at the college and passed away in his sleep of unknown cardiac conditions, also completely suddenly and without any warning or symptoms, and he was only 20 years old.

It really does feel like a lot of tragic death is happening. Maybe I am just more aware of it, I mean, had my girlfriend not died, I'm not sure how much attention I would have paid to this other guy who died, but I also feel like her and him are now just statistics. Oh, two young people died, that's sad. And life goes on. There's still thousands of other people around. I live in a relatively small town, our population is around 60,000, but death among young people is still pretty rare here. Two in the same week is crazy.

On the other hand I looked at the obituary index for our city and noticed that my girlfriend's and this other guy's death do stand out, pretty much every other death is someone over 60. There was one of a guy who died in his late 40s. But only two deaths of people under 30. Why oh why did my girlfriend have to be one of those??? Why did ANYONE under 30 have to die? I'm over 30 myself, why am I still here...?

[Andy]

41 minutes ago, Nads said:

Andy, you're right. This is a bad season. I too find that there are a lot of passings happening and I find it happens to persons who will still be considered young to pass. Quite unusual...or is it? Maybe we never paid much attention before? Prayers to you. 

I wonder that myself, is it because I'm overly sensitive to the passing of others or is it something else? I understand the concept when you buy a particular type of car, you start seeing them everywhere. But I think this is different. These are people that I have a direct relationship with or he or she is close to a friend. About 3 months before my wife passed, a new coworker told me of his friend, who's wife died hours after giving birth to their second child. She was 26 I believe. As I said, she passed only a 2-3 months before my wife. Then these 4 (I had actually forgotten another coworkers aunt passing) other people. Another individual where I work, of whom I have no relationship with, mother passed away two weeks after my wife. 6 people in a short span, its unusual, at least for me. The ages are all over the place, 26, 42, 64, 75, 56, 68... 

I'm happy you made through the funeral, you did very well Nads, I only hope I can muster up any semblance of coherency. This is far too soon for me to be back in that funeral home, but I want to at least let my friends mom, a long time friend to both my wife and I, know that if she wants to talk to someone NOT intimately involved in the family dynamic, someone who comes with no judgement or expectations, that I'll be happy to be there. I've found that talking to someone, (this forum) not related or somehow involved with your loved one, helps a great deal. You can say what you feel, how you're coping or not coping, and there's no judgement on what others THINK you should be doing, them suggesting the things that THEY think you need to do, just understanding. 

Well done Nads, hugs for you,

Andy

[KayC]

I've had quite a few friends pass in the last four months, I mean a whole rash of them!  It's to the point where I hate to see the church's phone number on my caller ID because I'm afraid of more bad news...

Nads, I'm glad you made it through it.  I know it's hard, but I hope you and your friend can be a blessing to each other as you walk this journey together.

[KMB]

Nads--I am proud of you. I know how hard it must have been for you. You found the inner will power and strength to be there for your friend. Your presence will never be forgotten by her.  You will be a comfort to each other.

Andy---You will also be able to get through the visitation on Friday. A person's presence even amidst their own pain is always thankfully noted.

[Andy]

Thank you KMB, I hope I can bring more "support" than add to the general misery. My daughter wants to go, and I'm supportive of her decision to do so, but I know it's going to be tough on her. We'll offer what we can and quietly slip away. So much pain and sadness. I hope the spring offers more in the way of things positive and uplifting. I don't know how much of this we're to take. Or can take. 

Love to all,

Andy

[KMB]

Andy---No thanks needed, but welcomed. I try to give back on this forum when I can.  As most of us here have had other losses in our lives, the loss of our soulmates is the worst. It is the deepest grief pit to try to climb out of.