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Want to share my experience.


Andy

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Something I read suggested that our minds are able to self-regulate, in that we automatically block out anything, temporarily, that would be too much for us at a given time.

That doesn't bring me any comfort of course, but it does make at least a little sense. It might be why we have those moments where we think "you know, I might just be OK," followed by a crash in which we can't stop crying. 

I have noticed that i feel a rushing calm if i "fantasize" about her, like that I imagine it's all a dream and tomorrow morning she'll call me and tell me it was all a cruel joke. The thing is, I try not to let myself think these things because I feel like it's only a way to postpone grief, not work through it.

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Fzald, yeah, I agree our minds do have mechanisms for dealing with traumatic overload. When that gets too much, our minds will, in extreme cases, suffer "breaks", or psychotic breaks. I have a very intimate history with that phenomenon. It's life altering. And yes, I also make every effort to avoid dwelling in "fantasies" that only deny reality and puts off coping. 

I really wish I had no knowledge of any of this. I just want her back. 

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Andy, fzald---It's been a tough day and it's not over yet. I've been alternating between the computer and laying down and wishing I could go to sleep and wake up next to my husband. I swear I don't know how people hang on and survive without losing their sanity. I talked to a friend of the family yesterday. She went on anti-depressants after her mom passed. They made her so loopy she didn't know where she was. She tried sleeping pills that left her groggy with a severe headache in the morning. I've been thinking of medications for myself but the stories I hear are not good. It's bad enough dealing with the loss of my husband and our life. I don't want to make myself more miserable dealing with medication effects.

We all wish for our loved ones to come back to us. Without the conditions that took them from us. Sadly, it is never going to happen. Life goes on with all its changes and we unwillingly have to adapt or be totally lost forever. My prayers of comfort to you all.

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31 minutes ago, KMB said:

Andy, fzald---It's been a tough day and it's not over yet. I've been alternating between the computer and laying down and wishing I could go to sleep and wake up next to my husband. I swear I don't know how people hang on and survive without losing their sanity. I talked to a friend of the family yesterday. She went on anti-depressants after her mom passed. They made her so loopy she didn't know where she was. She tried sleeping pills that left her groggy with a severe headache in the morning. I've been thinking of medications for myself but the stories I hear are not good. It's bad enough dealing with the loss of my husband and our life. I don't want to make myself more miserable dealing with medication effects.

We all wish for our loved ones to come back to us. Without the conditions that took them from us. Sadly, it is never going to happen. Life goes on with all its changes and we unwillingly have to adapt or be totally lost forever. My prayers of comfort to you all.

KMB,

I've been taking OTC sleep aids for years now. My sleep habits went to hell when our adoption became a nightmare, so I turned to sleep aids. Originally I had been prescribed Ambien and just wow. I had to get off of those, I had no memory of what I had said or done the night before, and let's just say any filter my mouth had was completely obliterated by this drug. So, I started using the non pain killer sleep pills. I know it isn't good, I know my sleep problems are anxiety related, but I do what I have to do. They don't leave me "groggy" or give me headaches, but I think I've developed rebound insomnia where I literally can't sleep without them. As emotionally exhausted as I am now, as drained as I am, I actually get an almost hyper, euphoric sensation without the sleeping pill. Crazy. I'm all out of sorts. 

I actually took, a couple of times, my wife's left over anti anxiety meds, since she passed, and they really did help. I took half (.5 mg) at bedtime and it worked to help me relax. I felt a peace that I hadn't been able to feel since that "day". Take all this for what it's worth. I'm just trying to survive without being stupid or self destructive. I have too much at stake. I hope this makes sense or that you understand. 

All I do is wish for her return. I know it isn't happening. I know that I'll have to figure this out. It's going on 8 weeks now and I feel, in many ways, just as lost as the day it happened. I'm with you, how in Gods name do we do this? How do we manage to find the reasons to move forward? I have my daughter, and I love her more than life itself, and I'll do anything and everything I can for her, but I won't, I can't, expect her to somehow become an emotional crutch for me. She's doing so well and her strength has been a great blessing to me. I have to find a way that allows ME to want to go forward. I know my daughter needs me, I know my wife wants me to be happy, I know my parents need me to continue on, but what I don't know is what I need to do. How, what reason, what's left for me? I met, fell in love with, married, and cared for, my beloved Tracie. After that, where do I find the "point"? I'm 45, presumably (we all know how THAT works out) about half my life. I'm so afraid. I'm just so damn lonely and frightened. I feel so pathetic. 

KMB, a really big hug (because I really need one too) and much love,

Andy

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It is so hard to even see the point of life after this. I know that if I forced myself to, I could go to work, perform well even, make others happy...but what good is it when inside I am empty as a shell, feeling like all I am doing is waiting out my time on this planet so that I can finally be with my love again?

They say talking about the loss helps. We all do that every day here. I have posted at least once a day on my own and others threads. I even have a few private conversations going (anyone who wants is welcome to send me private messages btw). But sometimes it feels like the more I talk about it, the more I talk about her, the worse I feel afterwards. The more I talk about the life we shared the more I yearn for it to Come back. The more I think about her the more I find myself in denial that she is actually, irreversibly gone for good.

I don't know what to do. If I keep talking it brings me down. If I don't talk i bottle it up and eventually it still brings me down. I started planning out a book that I could maybe write about our life together, and that is bringing me down too. It feels like the only way for me to feel even partly ok is to deliberately focus on something else, but even that is very very temporary. 

I don't know how to make it through. I still wake up every day disappointed that I made it through another night. 

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Finding a point to things after this will definitely be a challenge. As I say, I do have my daughter, and I need her as much as she needs me, but living beyond that will be tough. Or finding something beyond that will be tough. It's funny, my wife had about zero interests in the things I really enjoy, other than our casual attitude towards sports and she did enjoy the car culture I have always had an interest in. Beyond that, not much, but she always indulged me, let me be who I am, never questioning, never ridiculing or judging. It was simply that my being happy made her happy. What I never fully realized until "this" happened, is how much of my being able to enjoy those things was her always being there, supporting me, calmly listening to me ramble on about some movie or some odd bit of trivia, it didn't matter that she didn't actively participate in my geeky stuff, it mattered because she was ALWAYS there. She loved my daughter being happy and she loved me being happy. That doesn't come around very often in ones life, and I'm thankful it did for me, but God in heaven knows how badly I want my best friend back, how much I need her to keep supporting me, lending me the strength to do the things I need to do. I miss my wife so much, I miss her little smile, always reassuring, always there for me. This is the cruelest of fates, the one person who could make all of this better is the one person who's missing. I HATE being bothered with work, I HATE pretending I give a damn about schedules and numbers, I HATE getting out of bed every morning because I "need" to. Why do I need to? So I can pay bills? So I can keep a home that's less of a home now? One I may not be able to keep anyway. 

Folks, I'm sorry for the bitter tone. This isn't really who I am, but I'm just so tired. I'm running out of steam. Blah. Maybe tomorrow will show me something worth seeing. 

Beautiful people, thank you all. Bless our broken hearts and maybe we'll find our smiles again. 

Andy 

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Andy, A big hug back to you.  I feel just as pathetic, lonely and frightened as you do. I don't know what to do, plain and simple. I know what day it is by what is on tv, but I lose track of the date unless I have to pay a bill. And even something like that I don't want to do, but I know I have to. Nothing is right or normal to me. I used to be on top of the necessities of daily life but I just have a feeling of not caring. Thank God you have your daughter and I have my pets. For both of us, it does give a reason to get out of bed. I'm 57 and I don't see a *point* to anything. My pets are on the elderly side. When they leave this earth, I will be trying to cope with loss again. Then what?  Acquire more pets just to sustain me for x amount of years? I just have to keep praying my way through this and maybe something will come along for me to take at least a half hearted interest in to give my life some measure of meaning. We lost the loves of our lives and continuing on is going to be a life long challenge.

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Andy, like you I have to dig deep each morning to find a purpose to get out of bed. My only reason is to go to work so I can pay bills. Other than that there is nothing I look forward to. So now I exist only to make financial commitments. Such a sad life. My life had so much meaning and we had so many dreams and adventures ahead of us, and now all is gone. Just cheated away from us. 

Like you, my husband had a love for cars, mainly antiques. His joy was his 1938 Austin Cambridge. What a spectacular car in immaculate condition. We had so many cherished memories with that car. Tears are flowing just thinking about them. What an amazing man he was! I miss him so much. 

My brother told me he dreamt Stan last night and Stan told him to let me know that he is hurting just as I am. When my brother told me this I couldn't hold back the tears. It's what I needed to hear. Just to know that my husband is with me through all his is comforting. At least that's what I am taking it to mean. 

My issue today turned into the awful scenario that I had anticipated. It's just too much to explain here but it turned into  the police being involved . This is so not what I am about but I had no choice in the matter. Hate all this, which is a direct result of Stan's passing. 

I am absolutely exhausted in every way right now. I just want to sleep to forget it all!!! Tomorrow the saga will continue. I need to escape from this life. It's so hard. 

Thank you all for being here. This is my only outlet at the moment. People who don't judge and just get it. 

Big hugs to to you all. 

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KMB, next Sunday will make it four months since I lost Stan and I haven't been able to sleep without some form of sleep aids. At first I was on antidepressants and prescription sleeping pills. They worked for a short time before the side effects started to kick in. They were awful so I decided to stop both. I went cold turkey and the withdrawal symptoms were just as horrible. I just decided to face my grief head on. I am dealing with it as best as I can but I often wonder if I had stayed on the antidepressants at least if I would be handling it all better. If I'm needed to offer an opinion I would suggest that one take OTC sleep aids and no antidepressants. Just my belief after my experience with them. I use OTC sleep aids and I am fine. At least I get some sleep because without it I just up all night. 

Many prayers, much love and strength to you. 

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47 minutes ago, Andy said:

I miss my wife so much, I miss her little smile, always reassuring, always there for me. This is the cruelest of fates, the one person who could make all of this better is the one person who's missing. I HATE being bothered with work, I HATE pretending I give a damn about schedules and numbers, I HATE getting out of bed every morning because I "need" to. Why do I need to? So I can pay bills? So I can keep a home that's less of a home now? One I may not be able to keep anyway. 

Andy,

My heart goes out to you. I know exactly what that feels like - not being able to think of a reason to get out of bed. I have called in to work three or four times now since this whole thing started. I feel like I need to do it again tomorrow. I don't find any joy in doing any of the things I used to love to do, even things that did not include her. The hardest part for me though is that she was interested in many of the same things I am. We worked together on the same job. I do computer and IT work, and, well, finding a girl who's truly into that stuff (she was) is a rare gem. (lol) I used to brag silently to myself "ha! I got the girl who actually is a geek!" But it was more than that. We shared so much of our lives. Pretty much anything I did, even if it didn't directly interest her, would still get her talking, just like your wife. We had a few deep common interests, but even those areas we didn't share an innate interest, we still shared, just by talking and listening to each other. She liked reading books I wasn't into, but I still would indulge her and read her books so we could discuss. I was into some movies and genres she wasn't, but she watched anyway. We truly took a deep interest in each other's lives, and learned to share even those things we didn't already, inherently, share.

So for me, anything, just about anything, that I can do makes me miss her. Reading makes me wish I could share the book with her. Movies make me wish I could watch with her. Work... well, I just wish she was there with me. To me, she was a real soulmate, not only sharing some common foundations, but also so close and open and trusting with me that we both could share anything, even if one of us didn't care for it, and we were emotionally and intellectually intimately connected. 

I miss her so much. I miss her more than I've ever missed any one person or thing in this entire life. I don't see the point anymore. What's the point of doing all the great things we were going to do together by myself? Where's the happiness and joy in sharing my life with nobody?? Right now I feel like I just exist for the sake of existing. I go to work and put on a brave face and get the minimum done so I'll get paid, then I pay my bills. I go to the grocery store and get only what I need to survive. I spend all my spare time reading this board, searching the Internet for information on grieving and loss, and crying and mourning. My friends have been extremely supportive, God bless them, but nobody, not a single soul on this planet, can bring back to me even a part of what I have lost with her. I'm also pretty young myself, only in my early 30s, so I'm feeling like I'm going to have 40-50+ lonely years ahead of me.

Sometimes I wonder. Why was it so easy for her? She was doing something she loved and just had a dizzy spell and died. Why can't it just be that simple for me....? Why can't I be given the same gift of eternal life and happiness in another place that she was given?

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56 minutes ago, KMB said:

Andy, A big hug back to you.  I feel just as pathetic, lonely and frightened as you do. I don't know what to do, plain and simple. I know what day it is by what is on tv, but I lose track of the date unless I have to pay a bill. And even something like that I don't want to do, but I know I have to. Nothing is right or normal to me. I used to be on top of the necessities of daily life but I just have a feeling of not caring. Thank God you have your daughter and I have my pets. For both of us, it does give a reason to get out of bed. I'm 57 and I don't see a *point* to anything. My pets are on the elderly side. When they leave this earth, I will be trying to cope with loss again. Then what?  Acquire more pets just to sustain me for x amount of years? I just have to keep praying my way through this and maybe something will come along for me to take at least a half hearted interest in to give my life some measure of meaning. We lost the loves of our lives and continuing on is going to be a life long challenge.

"Nothing is right or normal", that could our "club" motto. I've been asked to attend a concert, several high school soccer games and an invitation to go see a movie. Nothing is normal or right is the reason I decline. I want to go, I want to enjoy those things, but I've never watched a game without my wife, since I met her I never went to a theater without her nor a concert. 

I have pets too and they actually do provide a sense of normalcy, they demand care and attention, so at least we have a function that's necessary. Without my daughter though, I'm not sure they'd be enough from preventing me from going bat crap crazy. 

I try to find things to look forward to, but it's so difficult. I can't wait to leave and get home, but once I'm here, I don't know what to do. I can't for the weekends, but again, I'm like some robot that doesn't have a purpose anymore. I just sort of meander around looking for something. My long drives are just a self imposed isolation that allow me to think, to get away, and to talk to my wife. It's as if I'm searching for something, but I just can't find it. 

Thank you for the hugs, I really really need one. Love and hope, 

Andy

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soundmankeysman1

Hey Andy, Fzald, KMC, Nads...

 

I think we all need to remember that it's too soon since our tragedies happened to feel much better than we all feel now.  It's only been a few months for all of us. A few months is not a lot of distance; compared with how long we were with our mates.

As we so cruelly learned, things do not stay the same in this world.  Our feelings/emotions will change as well; our outlooks, our perspectives.  We will not feel this way forever.  We are just in a foggy patch right now; that sometime in the future will clear. 

Mike

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1 hour ago, Nads said:

Andy, like you I have to dig deep each morning to find a purpose to get out of bed. My only reason is to go to work so I can pay bills. Other than that there is nothing I look forward to. So now I exist only to make financial commitments. Such a sad life. My life had so much meaning and we had so many dreams and adventures ahead of us, and now all is gone. Just cheated away from us. 

Like you, my husband had a love for cars, mainly antiques. His joy was his 1938 Austin Cambridge. What a spectacular car in immaculate condition. We had so many cherished memories with that car. Tears are flowing just thinking about them. What an amazing man he was! I miss him so much. 

My brother told me he dreamt Stan last night and Stan told him to let me know that he is hurting just as I am. When my brother told me this I couldn't hold back the tears. It's what I needed to hear. Just to know that my husband is with me through all his is comforting. At least that's what I am taking it to mean. 

My issue today turned into the awful scenario that I had anticipated. It's just too much to explain here but it turned into  the police being involved . This is so not what I am about but I had no choice in the matter. Hate all this, which is a direct result of Stan's passing. 

I am absolutely exhausted in every way right now. I just want to sleep to forget it all!!! Tomorrow the saga will continue. I need to escape from this life. It's so hard. 

Thank you all for being here. This is my only outlet at the moment. People who don't judge and just get it. 

Big hugs to to you all. 

Austin Cambridge, that's really an interesting car, not one that typically comes up in "car talk". Stan undoubtedly was an equally interesting man! I think it's great. My love of cars tends to center around 1940's till current, domestic for the most part, and like you two, we have quite a few memories tied to some great vehicles. 

Wow, oh my, the police? I hope you're okay, and I hope this is a legal/financial thing and not a "threatening" situation. I'm not asking, it is NONE of my business, I'm just hoping you're safe. I pray you are and remain so. It's not like you don't have enough on your mind. I'm so sorry. 

That was lovely about that dream. Indeed, Stan misses his lady love, of that there can't be any doubt. That's very sweet. 

Sad life. Yep, I've got one of those now. Sad, miserable, lonely, grief stricken and I can't see an end to any of it. I'm not 18 looking for a date, I'm not in school looking forward to being out, I'm not 95 and my wife just passed away, I'm not a "couple" anymore, I'm the dreaded 3rd wheel, I'm not planning an anniversary, and I'm sure as hell not looking forward to Valentine's Day. I'm none of these things and that leaves me with...? I don't know. Nothing? My purpose, beyond being dad, which is the most important thing I am, is to pay bills? To buy food and put gas in my car? Springs coming, so yard work is my function? My purpose? Will I ever have another role to play, will I ever matter? Again, I matter to my daughter, I know that, and if that's all I'm here for, then that's ok. But she's not always going to need me the way she does now. Then what? 

You what frightens me probably more than anything right now? Dying alone. My parents should precede me, and other than my daughter, I'm alone. I never imagined being alone like this, at this point in my life. Loneliness is too terrible to contemplate, yet, here I am. Thank God that we can share with one another, that we have this platform to use. You have helped me so much, along with all the others who've reached out. 

Nothing but love Nads,

Andy

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Fzald, yes, having that connection that goes beyond the norm is such a precious gift. I see people, mostly men, who take for granted the devotion that someone is so willingly giving their partner. I've seen women do this, but in my very limited experience, I've just happen to have seen more men act this way. And that you two actually made it a point to take an interest in each other's likes is so wonderful. How rare is that? She sounds like a special girl. And geeks are awesome, so you found a gem. 

What IS the point? I totally understand not being overly gung ho at work. I do what's asked of me, and then I'm gone. I don't volunteer for overtime, I've taken myself out of a "team" I'd been part of before my wife passed, I'm not up to talking about tv or "the game". I want to sit quietly and be left alone, and thankfully, I usually am. I simply don't care. 

I had a great uncle, my dads uncle, who landed on Utah beach, June 6th, 1944. He fought his way into Europe, was involved in  liberating concentration camps, wounded in the Battle of the Bulge, served under General Patton, and fought Nazi SS to the death. He returned after the war the kindest, most kind hearted man you'd ever meet. After going through a literal hell, nothing in life after that would faze him. Except one thing. His wife of nearly 60 years died of cancer. My great aunt. That broke him. He told me once that he didn't know why he was still here, because, in his words, "I just want to go see her". He died roughly 3 years later. They were in their late 80's, and it still crushed HIM, the toughest, bravest man I'd ever met. What chance do I have? 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

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22 minutes ago, soundmankeysman1 said:

Hey Andy, Fzald, KMC, Nads...

 

I think we all need to remember that it's too soon since our tragedies happened to feel much better than we all feel now.  It's only been a few months for all of us. A few months is not a lot of distance; compared with how long we were with our mates.

As we so cruelly learned, things do not stay the same in this world.  Our feelings/emotions will change as well; our outlooks, our perspectives.  We will not feel this way forever.  We are just in a foggy patch right now; that sometime in the future will clear. 

Mike

Mike, 

You're correct, I'm praying this will pass. I'm roughly in the 6-7 week mark, so it's all very "raw". The thing is though, this first 6 weeks are the ONLY 6 weeks I've had ever had with this. Everything I (and presumably most others) feel is new and terrifying. Dealing with the mundane tasks of working, paying bills, managing finances and even washing clothes is hard enough, but then when the implications of what this tradgedy means to us, now and in the future, hits us, it's overwhelming. 

I learned a long time ago that nothing lasts forever and I have little to no control over anything external in my life. My attitude, my choices maybe, but beyond that? Not much. My wife's passing merely solidified what I'd already learned. 

I'm looking forward to clarity. 

Thank you Mike, bless you,

Andy

 

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16 hours ago, Nads said:

I would suggest that one take OTC sleep aids and no antidepressants.

I agree.  My doctor offered me both and I declined them because I thought this isn't a temporary problem, he isn't coming back.  In looking back, I wish I'd taken sleeping pills because I was not getting enough sleep, a couple hours here and there is all.  It would have helped me function better, perhaps my brain wouldn't have been so cloudy.  But the antidepressants...I wouldn't recommend them for anyone that doesn't have a chemical imbalance because that's what they were designed for, to correct that imbalance.  While grief symptoms mimic depression, the cause is different and so is the dealing with it...we can't mask or circumvent our grief, there's no way but straight through it, however we choose that to look like.  We can take it head on, or dose it out in measurable doses, but the bottom line is we still have to walk this journey.  Damn hard, yes, but we can't avoid it.  If there was a healthy way to do so, we surely would have all found it by now.

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16 hours ago, Nads said:

My issue today turned into the awful scenario that I had anticipated. It's just too much to explain here but it turned into  the police being involved . This is so not what I am about but I had no choice in the matter. Hate all this, which is a direct result of Stan's passing. 

Gosh, Nads, you are right, not what you need right now.  I hope whatever is going on is alleviated.  (((hugs to you)))

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Thanks KMB. I know all my friends here are with me. I appreciate this so much because this forum and reading the Bible are where my strength comes from. 

My situation is indeed ugly. It is something I wouldn't want anyone to have to go through. It's engulfed with legal battles which could be somewhat normal, except when dealing with psychopaths who have no limits could be scary. But I will get through this. 

Had another tough day today and I already know tomorrow is going to mimic today. I am so consumed with all this "drama" that I hardly can focus on my grief. It's been like this from the moment Stan died. I just need some peace in my life. All this is so unlike me. I'm not one to have negativity around me but I'm being forced into a whirlwind of it. 

I know it's all vague for anyone here to follow now but it's just so much to get into at the moment. 

Thanks for all the love and support. 

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Andy, yes Stan was indeed an interesting guy. He already had his eyes on another antique which was going on auction in March. We had already made plans to acquire it. It's so sad now. I'm so sorry he didn't get to experience so many things. We had so many plans and now there are all gone. 

My situation is not threatening at least for now I think but one never knows. I am prepared to handle whatever comes my way. Thanks for your concern. I do sincerely appreciate it  

Just like you there is nothing to look forward to anymore in this life. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Stan proposed on Valentine's day. It's gonna be a sad one for all of us here. I would say try to avoid anything to do with it but it's extremely hard to elude it. Everywhere you go you will be bombarded by all the couples happy in love and so lucky to have their sweethearts with them. It makes me angry. It's so unfair. Why do bad things always happen to good people?

 I wish we all here could get together. It would be so great. We will cry together, laugh together, support one another, understand one another...all without judgment, without malice and without feeling like people are fed up of us talking about missing our loved ones. 

Prayers, love, strength and love to all....and for what it's worth...Happy Valentine's Day. 

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On 1/28/2017 at 10:20 PM, Andy said:

I find it strange yet humbling when I consider the nature of humans and this love we developed with others. A parent will always love their child. The child may be a horrible pox on society, a disgrace to their family, but whether we want to or not, we will love our children. We don't have to like them, but love them we must. Same, I think, for a child's love of their parents. It's natural, bonded by DNA, it's hard wired, and only extreme circumstances or psychological influences can alter that. But, look at marriages, or similar, long term relationships. Not connected by genetics, no family continuity (normally), nothing but mutual attraction. Attraction, depending what stage of life you're in, based on physical appearance, perceived intelligence, shared interests, shared values/backgrounds, cultural or religious similarities, or the fact they ARE different may attract you, but some or all of these things draw us together. And we CHOOSE this. We decide for ourselves that I will love this person, I will honor and respect them, care for them, expose my heart and vulnerability to them, willingly and unconditionally. It's such a glorious thing, two people, complete strangers, that find each other and fall in love. I grieve for my missing half and all she represented, all the promises kept and those never to be realized. I marvel at this process of giving ourselves over so completely to another person, entrusting our innermost fears, desires, insecurities and dreams to someone NOT our family, not our blood. It's glorious, and I realize now how precious and rare that is. How truly special it is to find that, that one person who allows you to be "you", needs you as much as you need them. How do you find that, get to keep and treasure that, and then lose that? How is anything ever going to be okay after that? I've had what so many people write songs and poetry about, and now it's gone. The songs, the symmetry of life, the poetry of living, they're gone. Or I can't hear or see them anymore. How do you do this?  

Andy, 

I found this post extremely comforting. You have perfectly described unconditional love. You must have had something so special to feel so deeply. 

I know the words are empty but I am so sorry for you loss. I hope you still, and always will, find happiness in the love you shared and that you have surrounded yourself with memories and photos. 

Stay strong 

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48 minutes ago, GreenL said:

Andy, 

I found this post extremely comforting. You have perfectly described unconditional love. You must have had something so special to feel so deeply. 

I know the words are empty but I am so sorry for you loss. I hope you still, and always will, find happiness in the love you shared and that you have surrounded yourself with memories and photos. 

Stay strong 

GreenL,

Thank you so much for the kind words, it's nice of you to say that. I believe we did indeed have something special. Part of our "bond" was forged over some fairly tough spots for my wife. Her illnesses (not the cause of her passing), an adoption gone wrong, and various other struggles brought us closer over our years together. She was my best friend, my wife, co-parent, my future. She was always there for me, allowed me to be who I am, to be the man I became, and gave me so much strength. Going forward is something I really don't want to do. Our 20 year old daughter needs her dad, more than ever, so I'll hang in there. Beyond that? It's still a mystery. 

I do keep her close. I wear our wedding bands around my neck. I talk to her everyday, I still text her phone. I have pictures up, I look at pictures on my phone, her things are where she left them, our home is filled with "her". 

Thank you and bless you

Andy

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2 hours ago, Nads said:

Andy, yes Stan was indeed an interesting guy. He already had his eyes on another antique which was going on auction in March. We had already made plans to acquire it. It's so sad now. I'm so sorry he didn't get to experience so many things. We had so many plans and now there are all gone. 

My situation is not threatening at least for now I think but one never knows. I am prepared to handle whatever comes my way. Thanks for your concern. I do sincerely appreciate it  

Just like you there is nothing to look forward to anymore in this life. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Stan proposed on Valentine's day. It's gonna be a sad one for all of us here. I would say try to avoid anything to do with it but it's extremely hard to elude it. Everywhere you go you will be bombarded by all the couples happy in love and so lucky to have their sweethearts with them. It makes me angry. It's so unfair. Why do bad things always happen to good people?

 I wish we all here could get together. It would be so great. We will cry together, laugh together, support one another, understand one another...all without judgment, without malice and without feeling like people are fed up of us talking about missing our loved ones. 

Prayers, love, strength and love to all....and for what it's worth...Happy Valentine's Day. 

Nads, 

It's so unfair that on top of your loss, you have this crazy legal garbage to deal with. It's like being kicked while we're down. It's obscene the callousness of some people. Pathetic. 

That's lovely, he proposed on Valentines Day, that's so nice. Tomorrow will be bad enough, I can't imagine how it'll be for you. Hang on to those special memories and let them comfort you. 

I plan on going to her grave site tomorrow, bring her flowers, share some chocolate (she loved chocolate) and talk for a little while. I'm leaving work early just for this. And all those Valentines commercials, enough already! 

Rant all you want, vent, yell at the screen, we're with you, I'll rant right there with you, cry with you. It would be nice that at some point we could all meet. Perhaps that's something we can aim for, after we get to an "okay" point. I think it's a nice idea. 

Nads, you have a nice day tomorrow, Valentines or not. But happy Valentines Day to you anyway! Much, much love to you, 

Andy

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Nads, My heart goes out to you, to everyone in this so called club. When your *someday* comes, when you and Stan are reunited, he will be so proud of you and his love for you will be like a shining star. The pain, heartaches, legal battles, drama, all of that will have been worth it and disappear as soon as you are in Stan's arms again. It is all any of us have to believe in. Whatever we are going through here on our grief journeys will all be worth it come that reunion with our loved ones.

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Well. I made it through the day regardless of how hard it was. I know it must've been trying for all of us. It's quite difficult to get out my words at the moment but just wanted to reach out. Hope we all have a better day tomorrow. 

My prayers are love are with you. 

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Nads, Yes, we did make it through this day. I talk out loud to my husband and I wished him a happy VDay. I tell him everyday that I love him and miss him. I do not believe it makes me material for the looney bin either. Coming up next, on the 1st, is his birthday. I always made him his favorite steak meal. I'm planning on doing it again in his honor. It'll be the first time I've cooked something besides eggs or oatmeal for myself since he's been gone. Even contemplating cooking regular meals has been a huge emotional trigger for me and I know I have to pace myself through this. I'm hoping that my husband comes to me in a good dream tonight. I've had a few good ones but I've also had the nightmares where I have been trying to save him and make him better. I know that those are due to working through the what ifs.

Have a peaceful night, Nads.

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I'm glad another Valentine's Day is behind us.  I came home from the senior site and took my dog to play with another dog, then came home and fed him, I wasn't hungry so just had a cup of soup and an english muffin later on.  Talked to a couple of people on the phone, watched some t.v., read, went to bed.  Another day over.

When George was alive it was very different.  He always made the most of every event, every holiday, every season.  He had so much zest for life!  Isn't that ironic!

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I too am glad "that" day has passed. I sat on the ground next to her and cried and talked and wished things were different. It was such a strange day, steeped in wonderful memories of days gone by, but wrapped up in so much pain and longing. I told her how much I miss her, how I still plan on us being together on valentines, I told her about our daughter, how much she misses her momma, I cried telling her how my life is so empty, how I know she wants me to carry on, but I asked her how I'm supposed too. I don't know. I just sat and ran my fingers through the still fresh dirt, talked and cried. I placed a rose there for her. I had bought an entire bouquet of flowers, and had intended to take them all, but I put them in a red vase from a previous Valentine's, and I thought that my wife always loved flowers around the house, and since I know she watches over us, it would be a lovely thing to have them in OUR home. So I took just the one rose. I hope she approves of me. I also thought how nice it would've been if I'd brought her flowers every week while she was alive. I feel bad about that now. 

The next "big day" for us will be April 4, our daughters birthday. I'm actually petrified thinking about how that's going to go. My daughter was "okay" for Valentine's, she took her own flower and note, did what she needed to do. But her birthday? My God, I can't begin to describe that. My heart breaks just trying to imagine my little girl having a birthday without her mom. I know for me this is going to be very difficult, my wife and I really enjoyed her birthdays, we would try to take trips, small trips or if possible, a little more ambitious. But it was always US. Now it won't be and I'm so hurt not just for me, but especially my daughter. Dads like to "fix" things, we like to make things better. I'm afraid I can't fix this. I don't have any idea of what I'm supposed to do about anything anymore. 

Andy

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Andy---You made it through yesterday and so did your daughter. I feel that children are perhaps a little more resilient? I don't know if that is the correct term. I think their age is a factor, stability and environment. She is coping well due to you being honest and strong for her. Inside, you are broken, as we all are. You and your daughter will make it through her birthday as well. Your wife is with you every step of the way guiding you. Listen to your intuition. It will never steer you wrong.

My husband was a *fixer* also. He knew where his health conditions were going to lead him. He had all his end of life decisions prepared and other things. Tried his best to make sure I could handle everything as smooth as possible. I appreciated everything he could possibly do but it is so very painful. i wish he could come back and *fix* me, my broken heart and our broken life.  He knew I was going to be beyond devastated and couldn't do anything about that, except love me.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

Andy---You made it through yesterday and so did your daughter. I feel that children are perhaps a little more resilient? I don't know if that is the correct term. I think their age is a factor, stability and environment. She is coping well due to you being honest and strong for her. Inside, you are broken, as we all are. You and your daughter will make it through her birthday as well. Your wife is with you every step of the way guiding you. Listen to your intuition. It will never steer you wrong.

My husband was a *fixer* also. He knew where his health conditions were going to lead him. He had all his end of life decisions prepared and other things. Tried his best to make sure I could handle everything as smooth as possible. I appreciated everything he could possibly do but it is so very painful. i wish he could come back and *fix* me, my broken heart and our broken life.  He knew I was going to be beyond devastated and couldn't do anything about that, except love me.

KMB, 

I can't imagine how you felt nor can I even begin to imagine how he felt. I sometimes wonder if my wife, in the moments before her emergency surgery, "knew" she wasn't coming back? Before we told each other our "I love you" and blew a kiss to each other, her last statement was "YOU need to get Elizabeth's math book". She was referring to my daughter starting the next semester, and had been on me to get her books earlier that week. She didn't say "we", or "remind me to get her book", she said "you". I've been crying the last hour, I'm crying as I write this. I feel so horrible. 

I fear everything now. I fear tomorrow, I fear how I'll be by myself as a dad, I fear what being alone will do to my sanity, spending the rest of my days missing her, wanting her to come back home. To take care of me. I'm afraid of life without her, I don't want to be without her, I want my baby back, I don't want die alone. I'm tired. I'm don't know what to do anymore. 

Thank you KMB, I try listening to her all the time. I talk to her all the time. I try to be as "normal" as I can at work and around my daughter, but inside it feels like I'm just coming undone. I think I'll be ok, I'm just getting hit pretty hard right now. I just want my wife to come home. It's all I want. 

Andy

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Andy, I believe my husband knew he didn't have long those last several months. He had always been so stoic, never let on how he was feeling, covered it up for my sake. He knew that I would have done anything to keep him here. i would have given him a kidney, my blood, anything if it meant saving him. I checked into heart transplants. He wasn't for it. I would have given up my own life to give him my heart. Because he was 12 years older than me and he had accomplished everything he had wanted to do in life and then some, he knew he could go. He taught me many things and gave me the means to be able to survive without him. I am thankful, appreciative and grateful for this man I was so honored to share my life with. I have to use his love and his gifts to continue on this journey the best I can. I am just as fearful as you, as we all are, on this journey. My husband had great courage. He faced his health issues head on, persevered for as long as his body held out. He knew he was facing the end of his life. Now, it is my turn to use what I learned from him and face this new life without him. I want to have him proud of me. Your wife, my husband, they are at their *true home* in Heaven. It is where we all originated from and where we all return.

We can do this. We can because we are still loved and cherished by them.

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KMB,

I am so grateful for you that you were able to come to that realization. It is said that people with serious, especially terminal illnesses often choose their time, they may simply decide it is best for them to pass on and accept their fate. I'm not suggesting your husband did this, but it does sound like he accepted his illness and even recognized that it could take him out. You had a great gift, even though it may not feel like it. You would have given him anything, but he was choosing not to accept. Even in the face of illness, it sounds like he kept a great spirit, kept going as best he could, and in the end still wished the best for you.

Not to try to be a downer, but I almost wish I'd had those opportunities with my girl. She definitely did have the same attitude - not letting illness get her down. If she felt sick, she'd pop a pill and get up and go. If she had a headache, she'd ask me for a few Advils (I always kept the gel-cap type, which she preferred even though they're more expensive) and keep on going. Even when she was starting to be nauseous a lot, she'd go to the bathroom, let it happen, grab a snack and eat and go on with her day. She did not want to let anything bring her down. She was a true fighter. Sadly, this may have helped lead to her demise, because she never considered her symptoms to be those of a serious life-threatening condition, but rather just consequential - from stress, a flu, a cold, whatever. 

I wish that I had even had the opportunity to give to her to try to save her. I never got that chance. She went from apparently well and alive, to gone, in such a short time, so quickly. 

I still can't believe it totally. 

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I agree about the children being more resilient, plus they're grieving a different relationship than we are.  Try not to think too far ahead, made it through Valentine's Day, that's one down.

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Haven't posted anything since Valentine's Day. Been having a really tough couple of days. I have been reading everything that was posted here though. There has been so much going on with my situation. I attempted many times to write here but I was just lost for words. I couldn't even get out how I was feeling. 

I'm somewhat better today and just wanted to reach out to say that my prayers are with all of you here. I'm totally exhausted in every way possible. Just need to be held so I could exhale. Unfortunately the only person who I would have turned to for that kind of comfort is no longer here. The cycle continues. 

Much love to all. 

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I wish i could just curl up on my couch and hug and cuddle someone. I miss that with her so much. In my worst times I could just bury my face in her and she'd hold me. It made everything better. Now I have nobody to comfort me when I need it most...

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1 hour ago, Nads said:

Haven't posted anything since Valentine's Day. Been having a really tough couple of days. I have been reading everything that was posted here though. There has been so much going on with my situation. I attempted many times to write here but I was just lost for words. I couldn't even get out how I was feeling. 

I'm somewhat better today and just wanted to reach out to say that my prayers are with all of you here. I'm totally exhausted in every way possible. Just need to be held so I could exhale. Unfortunately the only person who I would have turned to for that kind of comfort is no longer here. The cycle continues. 

Much love to all. 

Nads, bless your heart, I know it's been rough, ever since Valentine's Day, I've been in a horrible place. I literally, just moments ago, stopped crying after what must have been 30 minutes of non stop tears. Sobbing, the kind that just won't stop, that uncontrollable flood. It's pure anguish. It's another level of grief that I've found. The reality of her NEVER coming home again. I was lying on her side of the bed, thinking of all the things that never seemed to matter, but now loom large in my mind. The daily rituals we create without realizing that's what we're doing. Texting, smiles, peck on the cheek or lips, a phone call, a knowing look, her simply going with me when I would put gas in the car. I miss everything. My favorite thing, the thing I LOVED so much, was when she was tired or not feeling well, she'd lay her head on my shoulder. I wish I'd told her how much I loved that. I felt like she was content or felt protected while doing that, and it filled my heart with pride and joy, this was MY wife, and she loves me. I'd give anything for that again. Just once, it wouldn't be enough, but just one more time, for a few moments. I miss her so much, it's like being stabbed, repeatedly, it doesn't stop.

And Nads, the exhaustion, oh my God the exhaustion. It is in my bones, the very fiber of my being, I imagine I can feel it in my cells. No one understands the toll this takes, it's so complete in its effect, our entire lives are changed, and just coming to terms with that is enough to wipe us out. When I'm awake I can't stop thinking of her, her last day, our last moments together, my daughter and her suffering (my poor baby girl, I can't fix her broken heart or bring momma back), I worry over everything and nothing. I'm going to have to find time and space to right this ship, I'm really running out of wind and energy. The pieces of my life and my heart are laying scattered all around me, and I have no idea what goes where. I'm tired, I'm scared, I'm overwhelmed with being a dad without a mom, I'm scared I'll be unable to be all my daughter needs, I'll mess that up. I'm messed up without a doubt. 

"Hope fades..."  I'm being melancholy, I've been asking her for forgiveness, I've been asking if I had been a good enough husband, I told her I'm so, so sorry for my selfishness, my petty stupidity, and telling her that all I ever did, all I ever wanted to do, was to care for and to love her. I have words, but no one to say them to. I need her to hold me, but she's not here. I need our tomorrow but the future passed with her. 

I'm scared of dying alone, that something will happen to me and no one will know, no one will help me. This is a growing fear of late, i can't tell you where it's coming from, but it's starting to really bother me. I guess just another byproduct of this horrible process.

Nads, I'm sorry for being even more depressing, I'm surprised by how I'm feeling now, it's not how I want to be. Obviously. I'm just a mess. Thank you for reaching out, for posting. You don't need words, I think we all understand. 

Love and peace Nads, love and peace 

Andy

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28 minutes ago, fzald said:

I wish i could just curl up on my couch and hug and cuddle someone. I miss that with her so much. In my worst times I could just bury my face in her and she'd hold me. It made everything better. Now I have nobody to comfort me when I need it most...

Amen to that. I'd give anything for another moment with my wife. Her hand, touching her hair, her head on my shoulder, anything. 

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Nads, Andy, fzald----So much pain in your postings and I am so sorry. I wish I could do something for all of us. But, one thing I do know, I am truly thankful my husband is not in my shoes. I do not think I could be at peace wherever it is our spirit goes and see my husband in the shattered mess we all are in.

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3 hours ago, KMB said:

...I am truly thankful my husband is not in my shoes.

This.

As much pain as I am going through.  The nightmares that wake me to a bed that is far too empty.  Staring at a place where my heart used to sleep and thinking of how I used to just smile and watch her breath.  There are no more smiles, just tears and another sleepless night.  All of it, I will take so she doesn't have to.

It is one last way I can take care of her.  One last way to ease her suffering.  One last way to fix something for her.  Please let her be at peace now.

If she were here and I were not, it would be awful for her.  I will take that role.  I will do the best I can to raise our daughters.  I will try to help her mother, and make sure she knows that she too is loved.  I will do the big things and the little things that I know she wanted done so she can rest and never have to deal with this pain.

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11 hours ago, Andy said:

I'm scared of dying alone, that something will happen to me and no one will know, no one will help me.

I've thought of that too, particularly since I'm growing old alone.  I don't have contact with my daughter, my son is too far away and busy with his family.  
I'm not afraid of dying, but I don't want anything to happen to my animals so the thought of dying and no one here to feed them is what scares me.  I do my best to keep myself healthy, walk every day, eat healthy, etc., but still...I guess its understandable these thoughts should go through our minds after experiencing death in a close up way as we have.

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13 hours ago, Nads said:

Been having a really tough couple of days.

Nads, I don't know what is going on with you because you haven't been able to share it yet, but I want you to know that we care, and when you're ready...we're here.

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soundmankeysman1

Hello All,

Just wanted to tell you something that I do that seems to help:  Sleep on your mates side of the bed.  That way, you don't have to look at the empty space that they use to fill.  It may sound stupid, but it brought some relief to me.

Mike

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49 minutes ago, KayC said:

I've thought of that too, particularly since I'm growing old alone.  I don't have contact with my daughter, my son is too far away and busy with his family.  
I'm not afraid of dying, but I don't want anything to happen to my animals so the thought of dying and no one here to feed them is what scares me.  I do my best to keep myself healthy, walk every day, eat healthy, etc., but still...I guess its understandable these thoughts should go through our minds after experiencing death in a close up way as we have.

Yes, it's not the dying part, it's the alone part that scares me. My parents are both in there mid 70's, and in great health, other than my dads back problems, have few current issues. However, they still rely on one another, they still depend on the other to fulfill certain roles, expectations, and simply "be there". My parents have been model examples of marriage and devotion, it's what my wife and I were looking to become, a couple of old partners enjoying our grandchildren and facing our twilights together. That's all changed and I don't know where that leaves me. Other than alone. 

I'm so sorry that you and your daughter don't communicate, I know that has to be so very difficult. Someone I imagine you could really lean on for comfort, someone who you'd hope would understand. I hope that one day that some lines will open up, some sort of healing can bring a better relationship for the both of you. I'm so sorry KayC.

love and hugs,

Andy

 

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14 hours ago, Andy said:

Nads, bless your heart, I know it's been rough, ever since Valentine's Day, I've been in a horrible place. I literally, just moments ago, stopped crying after what must have been 30 minutes of non stop tears. Sobbing, the kind that just won't stop, that uncontrollable flood. It's pure anguish. It's another level of grief that I've found. The reality of her NEVER coming home again. I was lying on her side of the bed, thinking of all the things that never seemed to matter, but now loom large in my mind. The daily rituals we create without realizing that's what we're doing. Texting, smiles, peck on the cheek or lips, a phone call, a knowing look, her simply going with me when I would put gas in the car. I miss everything. My favorite thing, the thing I LOVED so much, was when she was tired or not feeling well, she'd lay her head on my shoulder. I wish I'd told her how much I loved that. I felt like she was content or felt protected while doing that, and it filled my heart with pride and joy, this was MY wife, and she loves me. I'd give anything for that again. Just once, it wouldn't be enough, but just one more time, for a few moments. I miss her so much, it's like being stabbed, repeatedly, it doesn't stop.

And Nads, the exhaustion, oh my God the exhaustion. It is in my bones, the very fiber of my being, I imagine I can feel it in my cells. No one understands the toll this takes, it's so complete in its effect, our entire lives are changed, and just coming to terms with that is enough to wipe us out. When I'm awake I can't stop thinking of her, her last day, our last moments together, my daughter and her suffering (my poor baby girl, I can't fix her broken heart or bring momma back), I worry over everything and nothing. I'm going to have to find time and space to right this ship, I'm really running out of wind and energy. The pieces of my life and my heart are laying scattered all around me, and I have no idea what goes where. I'm tired, I'm scared, I'm overwhelmed with being a dad without a mom, I'm scared I'll be unable to be all my daughter needs, I'll mess that up. I'm messed up without a doubt. 

"Hope fades..."  I'm being melancholy, I've been asking her for forgiveness, I've been asking if I had been a good enough husband, I told her I'm so, so sorry for my selfishness, my petty stupidity, and telling her that all I ever did, all I ever wanted to do, was to care for and to love her. I have words, but no one to say them to. I need her to hold me, but she's not here. I need our tomorrow but the future passed with her. 

I'm scared of dying alone, that something will happen to me and no one will know, no one will help me. This is a growing fear of late, i can't tell you where it's coming from, but it's starting to really bother me. I guess just another byproduct of this horrible process.

Nads, I'm sorry for being even more depressing, I'm surprised by how I'm feeling now, it's not how I want to be. Obviously. I'm just a mess. Thank you for reaching out, for posting. You don't need words, I think we all understand. 

Love and peace Nads, love and peace 

Andy

 

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Sorry for reposting the whole post Andy. Didn't mean to do that. I'm not a tech geek.

Just wanted to say that I'm not afraid of death itself. Death will bring me to my husband. But, yes, I am afraid of dying alone. Living here in the country, basically alone, leaves a lot to think about. We don't know when or how. If I do get my choice, it will happen in our home. Where my husband crossed over and his parents before him. This might sound like sick, dark humor, but keep it in the family, right? My husband and I filled this childhood home of his with love, laughter, respect, peace and contentment. I don't want to leave this earth from a cubicle in a nursing home or a cold, hospital room.

Due to this unwanted club we are all in here, I think we all think about our own mortality. We all got slapped in the face with it on such a personal ,intimate way.

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KMB, yes, the dying part isn't my issue, it's being alone. I don't want to be "found" deceased, I can't imagine the horror that would leave for that person, but I really don't want to "face" it alone. Someone to hold my hand. Tell me it's ok. I know that's not how it always goes, but, I don't want to be alone. 

I understand the desire to be home when it's your time. I can't imagine living anywhere but my home, and I can't imagine passing over anywhere but here. My wife was in an OR, surrounded by strangers. Yes, they were desperately trying to save her life, but strangers. I hope she wasn't scared, that thought haunts me...

Mortality. I like to think though, death is weak, love is strong. Death cannot destroy that bond, it cannot remove that strength, it is powerless before it. Oh, it hurts, how all mighty God it hurts, it has brought me to despair and sorrow. I feel I spend most of my days on my knees now. BUT, the love for my wife endures. It won't be shaken, it won't be diluted, it will not be broken. Death gave its best shot, and it failed. It took her from me, for now, but in its eagerness to claim me, it will merely reunite us. "Death, where is thy sting?" 

I'm still broken, I'm still lost. But I'm not beaten, not yet. I love her so , I miss her so.

peace and love KMB, 

Andy

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Andy, We are broken. Are we broken beyond repair? Or are we forever going to walk around with a bandaid on our heart? A bandaid can come loose, fall off, revealing that open wound, time after time. How long can we sustain that kind of torture? Is that bandaid strong enough to keep that wound covered throughout our life time? Our wounded heart is only going to fully heal and be forgotten when we are reunited with our beloveds.

At the very core, LOVE, is was is going to sustain us and keep us going. That cliche---Love conquers all---might be some truth to that in the end.

peace and love to you also---We can't let our losses beat us down. Love will win.

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Andy, I really identify with how you feel about death now. I no longer fear death like I used to. I used to think of death as a scary ending, the way to a world of nothing good. Now, I am in that world of nothing good. What I feared death would bring for me, was brought to me by her death instead. Now my death can only be a way to a world of everything good, including her. I am still physically alive, but part of me died with her. That part of me is waiting on the other side for me with her. Someday I will reunite with my girl and she will make me complete again like I was until a month ago. Until then, like KMB said, I will wear a band-aid on my soul, covering the incurable hole that was carved in the instant she died. No matter where I go from here, a hole shaped exactly like her will remain in my heart, and only when I pass on and reunite with her can that hole be finally repaired.

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KMB,

Broken beyond repair? No. Changed, altered? Yes, without question. The passing of our loved ones is a watershed event, nothing will ever be as it was before it happened. Bandaids, not so much. Scar tissue, an obvious wound that will ache forever, but perhaps less as time passes, or we're at least better at managing the pain. Love does win. It's the most powerful, significant force we can experience, I believe, and nothing, not even death can match it. Death isn't evil, it's just as natural as the sun or rain, but it's impact is inescapable, absolute in its finality. But love, love isn't so natural, it involves choices, trials, requires sacrifice, commitment, putting someone else before you. It's beautiful and enriches our lives like nothing else. Love is stronger than death. 

Fzald,

I thought that indeed, a part of me died when my wife passed. But I'm starting to rethink that. Part of me has changed, changed forever, no doubt. But I like to think of it as that when I fell in love with my wife, she took, I gave, my heart to her. I was very much in love with my wife when she passed, so she still had that part of me. So, it's still hers. I have a piece of my heart, I still absolutely love my daughter, my parents, my dear friends, so I still have use of it. However, part of my heart will ALWAYS belong to her, just as hers belongs to me. Yes, my heart will therefore always be "broken", but I know where the missing piece is. It's where it's been for the last 27 years. And that's a very good thing, because that's something that won't ever change. 

KMB, Fzald, love to you both,

Andy

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