Andy

Want to share my experience.

617 posts in this topic

I'm right there with you about not knowing what I need and also I just don't want to be a burden to anyone. I have had and still do to some extent good support from friends and family. But they all have their lives to go back to. I know they mean well when they say whatever i need they are there for me but I think I have to start getting on with my life however hard it is and is going to be and even though I wish to join him every second of the day. But I know that day will come .

With that in mind I went to the movies all by myself this evening. It was sad not doing that with my darling but I made it through. I felt even more sad as one of the main characters had my husband's name. But I stayed till the end. When I got home I felt good about myself finally doing something normal. I kinda pretended that he was sitting right next to me throughout the movie and maybe that's why I didn't have a break down. I just miss him so much and is overflowing with love for him. 

Prayers to all of you wonderful souls here. 

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Jeff In Denver, thank you, love is indeed the thing that gives us the most joy, yet it does drive us to say or do things we shouldn't, but do anyway. I love that, what you said, so true. And yes, spending so much time with someone makes it easy to take for granted things we should be celebrating. Human nature, assume that because someone is with us daily, through years or decades, that they'll always be there. I know I did. 

Nads, I think it's great you got out and did something for YOU. That's wonderful, and I have little doubt he was indeed sitting with his best "girl" (I'm a bit old fashioned, so I like that particular phrase, I hope I didn't offended you). Movies are something I enjoy, certain genres especially, and I live perhaps 5 minutes, walking, from a great theater. I want to go, not with anyone other than my daughter, but I might consider flying solo, based on your experience. Thank you for that. 

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Nads, I wish I had the courage to go to the theater like you. I have not been out to see a movie since whenever it was that the Titanic came out. I went with my daughter way back when. Maybe someday, I will get the courage and go out. There is no one to do those things with. My daughter has since moved further away. Everyone I know has their spouse. I also do not like being a burden on anyone. I do call a couple of people and it makes me cry and feel even more sad. I'm reduced to reaching out and I wouldn't be going through this if my husband's heart wouldn't have given out on him. I'm so lonely for my husband's company. Sorry, just having a lonely night.

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KMB

You feel so alone, just as I do, but I hope you know that as far as I'm concerned, you're a friend. I'm sorry you're having a bad night, I wish I could help. Your husband, my wife, what we wouldn't do to put things back together. You're in my thoughts, prayers and I'll be thinking of you. You're alone but not alone. I'd hug you if I could. 

Hang in there, treat yourself well and be safe, I'll be thinking about you. 

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Thank you, Andy, we are friends, that helps. I guess I'll just sit with the tv on for background noise and try to focus on reading for awhile. Some nights are worse than others for the loneliness. I called my daughter, but it is her only night off from work and she is tired, so I didn't stay on with her long. It did help to hear her voice.

My thoughts and prayers are with you also. Such a tough road we are on.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

Nads, I wish I had the courage to go to the theater like you. I have not been out to see a movie since whenever it was that the Titanic came out. I went with my daughter way back when. Maybe someday, I will get the courage and go out. There is no one to do those things with. My daughter has since moved further away. Everyone I know has their spouse. I also do not like being a burden on anyone. I do call a couple of people and it makes me cry and feel even more sad. I'm reduced to reaching out and I wouldn't be going through this if my husband's heart wouldn't have given out on him. I'm so lonely for my husband's company. Sorry, just having a lonely night.

Kmb

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry. I wish I could hug you and tell you that you are not alone. You are alone with all of us lonely souls. 

Stay strong kmb. You are in my prayers.  

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I keep thinking I will wake up. A thought crosses my mind and I start to pick up the phone to call him and talk to him about it. I think I need to call him and see if he wants anything from the store. Or to let him know I am running late. The ache is overwhelming. I understand. 

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Andy, KMB....those lonely nights are indeed difficult. I have many of those and sometimes all I need is a hug which I can't have because there is no one around to give it to me so I just rally through it. My baby was always there to hold me when I needed it. Keeping busy is what helps me through this. I have decided to make my movie night a regular thing. The theater, like you Andy, is just a few minutes away. I  will go only on evenings that aren't as busy..like a Monday. I plan to getaway for a weekend soon as well. I have a friend who is recently single and I have asked her to join me if she is up to it. Either way I plan to do it. I just need a break from everything just for a while. Location won't change how much I ache for my love I know, but I will have him there with me. 

As I mentioned, coming to this site is how i start my day. It gives me courage to make it through the day. Have to leave for work soon but I'm always checking in throughout the day. 

Strength and love to all to get through the day. Hugs to each of you. 

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9 hours ago, KMB said:

Thank you, Andy, we are friends, that helps. I guess I'll just sit with the tv on for background noise and try to focus on reading for awhile. Some nights are worse than others for the loneliness. I called my daughter, but it is her only night off from work and she is tired, so I didn't stay on with her long. It did help to hear her voice.

My thoughts and prayers are with you also. Such a tough road we are on.

Friends indeed, friends with a common misery, but an undeniable connection that exists at another level. Being lonely is so excruciating, it's nothing like being by myself because my friends our busy or my wife is sitting with her grandmother. Our loneliness exists because of a tragic loss, the kind of loneliness that will not be remedied by their return. It's permanent. And we know this. The person we would turn to for their strength is that very person we long for. Take comfort, if you can, that I believe, and this is just my personal belief, that we aren't done. I think this, in part, because if I were the one who had passed, and I was aware that my wife was I such agony as I am now, I'd be troubled by the sadness, I'd feel responsible for her grief. I would want my wife to keep living, whatever that looked like, I'd want her to move on. Not "past" me, but in honor of me. I love her because of the beauty of her life, and I'd like to keep that spirit alive. I'm going to hurt for the rest of my days, but I think I'll be able to carry on, because she gave me strength and she, like your husband, believes in me, you. They always did, they do now. Do the best you can, be strong, be weak, but be alive. Live. One step at a time. 

Your friend, Andy

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2 hours ago, Nads said:

Andy, KMB....those lonely nights are indeed difficult. I have many of those and sometimes all I need is a hug which I can't have because there is no one around to give it to me so I just rally through it. My baby was always there to hold me when I needed it. Keeping busy is what helps me through this. I have decided to make my movie night a regular thing. The theater, like you Andy, is just a few minutes away. I  will go only on evenings that aren't as busy..like a Monday. I plan to getaway for a weekend soon as well. I have a friend who is recently single and I have asked her to join me if she is up to it. Either way I plan to do it. I just need a break from everything just for a while. Location won't change how much I ache for my love I know, but I will have him there with me. 

As I mentioned, coming to this site is how i start my day. It gives me courage to make it through the day. Have to leave for work soon but I'm always checking in throughout the day. 

Strength and love to all to get through the day. Hugs to each of you. 

I think it's great that you're planning to do things for yourself, I admire that and actually look forward to being at that place. It gives me hope, and I thank you for that. Again, a big hug and keep going. You're headed the right direction. 

Have a better day, and be safe, Andy

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7 hours ago, JC_TX said:

I keep thinking I will wake up. A thought crosses my mind and I start to pick up the phone to call him and talk to him about it. I think I need to call him and see if he wants anything from the store. Or to let him know I am running late. The ache is overwhelming. I understand. 

Understood. Completely. The ache and emptiness left by our true love is so deep and profound. I pray you find strength, a tiny glimpse of hope, of reason. I'll be thinking of you. 

Andy

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We all need to keep hearing these words of understanding from each other here. My loneliness from yesterday afternoon extends into today. Sometimes I think I'm going to be ok, doing ok, then a low spot hits and it is so hard to climb out of.

I have to go out and shovel the snow that came yesterday. If my husband were here, I would have been out at daylight doing it. Nothing seems to matter anymore. He was the hub of our life. I am so broken down without him. We were totally dependent on each other. So defeating that I am left to do this life alone. I am not looking for sympathy from anyone here. But, I like to think that some of us feel the same. Some of you have children you have to keep carrying on for. I just have a dog and cat. I don't have a death wish, but I would like to know, somehow, how long I have to be here before my reunion with my husband. Just my thoughts due to my emotions right now.

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KMB...I can so relate to what you are saying and how you are feeling. I too have no children, I don't even have pets. I know having pets can be therapeutic though but where I live now no pets are allowed. Just like you I can't wait to be with my darling. But until then we just have to find a way to make it through. I feel hopeless most times but somehow I manage to make it through each day. Maybe because I have so much responsibility now since I lost my husband. I have my job and now I'm doing his job. He had his own business with ongoing projects and I am trying to meet his obligations because I know he would want me to. 

Stay strong my dear. We are here for you. 

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Nads, Thank you for being here. I am at the tail end of my responsibilities with my husband's business. We ran it together. He had to quit working and decided to dissolve it. He passed away shortly after we started the process. I don't know if this makes sense, but as each day goes by since he's been gone, the worse I'm feeling. I want to continue to be the strong, efficient, get it done person he knew me to be. It is so difficult when he is not here, for me to see and talk to. I feel like I am slowly dying on the inside.

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15 hours ago, Andy said:

Nads, I think it's great you got out and did something for YOU.

This is part of our learning "self care" and one of the most important things we can learn to do after our loss.  It's important not only to take care of ourselves as far as eating, exercise, etc., but also learning to value ourselves enough to do those caring things for ourselves.  Good for you!

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14 minutes ago, KMB said:

as each day goes by since he's been gone, the worse I'm feeling. I want to continue to be the strong, efficient, get it done person he knew me to be.

It'll come.  Right now you're deep in the throes of grief and just getting through each day is enough to focus on.  You can be superwoman tomorrow.  Today, just breathe.  (((hugs)))

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Thank you, KayC.  Some days I can be fairly ok. Just not the past couple of days. Sometimes it hurts just to breathe. I have been managing so far but always wonder how.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

Nads, Thank you for being here. I am at the tail end of my responsibilities with my husband's business. We ran it together. He had to quit working and decided to dissolve it. He passed away shortly after we started the process. I don't know if this makes sense, but as each day goes by since he's been gone, the worse I'm feeling. I want to continue to be the strong, efficient, get it done person he knew me to be. It is so difficult when he is not here, for me to see and talk to. I feel like I am slowly dying on the inside.

I'm struck by your feeling of "slowly dying", that's distressing to hear. That breaks my heart. A conversation I had with my daughter within days of my wife's passing MAY help you, at least I hope it can. My daughter was expressing to me her desire to "live for mom", to do things "because that's what mom would want". I had to stop her right there. I explained, that isn't at all what your mom would want. She wanted, wants, you to find your way, your particular happiness. "You can live your life in a way that honors your mom, her spirit, but don't live your life guided by what you imagine she'd want". My wife wanted my daughter to be healthy, kind, positive and happy. Not as laid out by some dictatorial set of rules, but by living life as we (as parents) set the example. I think my wife, actually, I know my wife would want me to try to find peace and happiness. It's what I'd desire for her. I could never ask my wife to do everything as I'd do them, that's not fair to her. So please, for your sake, your health and spirit, allow yourself to consider finding happiness in your way. Nothing radical or dishonorable, but something YOU enjoy, things that make you, you. Things he loved about you. I just worry and get concerned about people, especially in our state. Reach out to me, friends, family, ANYBODY who you can talk to. Please. 

A really big hug and peace and love for you-Andy

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Andy, nads, kmb, kayc and others

Ive had a bad couple of days, they followed a few ok days (not good just ok). I just got in bed 11,45pm uk time, as usual i cannot switch my torcherous thoughts off, decided to visit the site for some comfort, it did not dissapoint, reading lots of positive, inspiring feelings and thoughts from you all gives me hope for a better day tommorrow. I truly am a positive person in general but this horrible grief we all share is as you all know truly soul destroying sometimes, today ive hated speaking to people, hated watching couples being together (how mean am i), i wanted to scream at people in anger and frustration, i felt so lonely,  sad and angry. I dont want to be a victim of this grief, my darling boyfriend would not want me to be a victim, i want to live with hope for a life not consumed with sadness but its so hard to focus when that black, grief cloud just keeps following you around. 

Andy, i am so sorry for your loss, life has been too cruel to us all and your words are truly inspiring, i believe its in us all to overcome this, it takes strength and courage to do so and we all have to do it for ourselves and for the memory of our loved ones, they would not want us to be unhappy,  they loved and cherised us too much for that, take care all of you xx

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Meesh...I feel exactly like you when I see couples walking around holding hands, kissing etc. I just become angry then I feel so sad. I'm usually not a person to be like that but I can't help how I feel. It's just so unfair. We were just married, we didn't even get to have our first anniversary. We just had six months of marriage although we were together for six years. I feel so cheated. We were so much in love and so happy that sometimes it scared me...and then he was gone. Why does life have to be so cruel to us?? Why??

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Andy... "be strong, be weak but be alive. Live." ....I find this most profound. I think I going to try to make this my new philosophy of life. Thanks for this!

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Life is cruel and i feel cheated also, how can horrible people be walking the streets and our good men gone, wheres the logic in that, i also like the saying 'be strong, be weak but be alive, live' gonna store it on my fone to inspire me, glad you went to pictures on your own nads its an achievment and go on that wknd with your friend, it will do you good, im goin to my sisters this wknd, i'm gonna get myself dressed up and put my make up on and go to a local bar with her im gonna do that for myself, she lives about an hr away so will feel better about going out where no one knows me, it feels funny going anywhere near where we lived i feel people might judge me and think i dont care, i would hate people to think i dont care about the love of my life, he was my everything, my true love and i know he loved life and would not want me to be consumed with sadness,   after what weve all been thru dont we all deserve  bit of time away from this awful grief,  even if its for a short while..

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Andy, I appreciate your concern, truly. I spent time today reading online various grief support articles. Feelings of despair, depression like symptoms are considered normal. So are suicidal thoughts, especially for those who have lost a spouse. Usually in the very young or very old. I'm not suicidal, just going through a tough patch. Have been through them before, part of this roller coaster journey. I ran across a blog from a woman who lost her husband in 2010. She is still trying to work her way through. She said that she isn't suicidal either. But if she learned she had a terminal illness, she would not fight it. I understood her on that one.

There are plenty of counseling centers around my area. I did some checking into that today also. Looking for a grief therapist, just in case I feel myself really bombing out. Therapy for everything else, not grief. Closest ones are over a 100 miles away. Always a hotline # if I get that bad off I guess.

I'm not feeling as bad as I was last night. Thank God for that. If only there was a way of grieving that did not involve emotions, but that is impossible.

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Meesh---Hang in there the best you can. It certainly can't get any worse. It can only get easier, I hope.

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Meesh, so much of what you're feeling is exactly how I feel. I don't like going out in crowded places or places I can run into people who knew us. I just don't feel like saying hi or answering stupid questions or pretending I'm ok when I'm not so I just avoid certain places. I thrilled that you are visiting your sister and you have plans to go out. Good for you! Just live in the moment. You will feel sad and miss your love but just try to enjoy that time out as best as you can. Remember being weak is ok. Having a break from it all is ok too. Every little step forward counts as progress and so what if we regress ever so often. It is what it is. We have to just keep trying. 

Cheers to the weekend my friend.  

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