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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Andy

Want to share my experience.

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Eagle-96   
13 hours ago, Dian said:

Thank you Andy. Tonight has been rough, feeling very overwhelmed with all the responsibility of the house, yard , bills ,kids all while working full time and most of all missing my husband. Feeling sorry for myself I guess. I will try not to lose hope although today it is not within reach. Maybe tomorrow will be better. 

Yet another thing people don't understand about our journey. Before I lost Lori everything was 50/50. Housework, yardwork, bills, planning, decision making. People don't get that on top of all of the sadness, despair, regret, anger, and loneliness we have to do everything in the household now. It's no wonder we are always emotionally and physically exhausted now. Grief is not just work. It's hard work.

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KayC   
19 hours ago, KMB said:

Andy, You already know my prayers are with you and yours. Some of us who have been here longer, are growing and learning hard lessons together. We are always going to be grieving our respective losses, but we have also gained with strength, hard won difficult lessons, compassion, humbleness and an amazing grief family.:wub:

I feel the same way, KMB!

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KMB   
8 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Yet another thing people don't understand about our journey. Before I lost Lori everything was 50/50. Housework, yardwork, bills, planning, decision making. People don't get that on top of all of the sadness, despair, regret, anger, and loneliness we have to do everything in the household now. It's no wonder we are always emotionally and physically exhausted now. Grief is not just work. It's hard work.

Gosh, yes. It is all on us now. Makes me wonder what do other people really think about our loss? Do they wonder about anything outside of the loss of the person? I still think everything we deal with and KayC's tips on the process should be patented, published, with state laws, to be included on the funeral/memorial service programs.

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KayC   

I know if someone would have given me them when I first lost George, it would have helped me.  As it was I was terrified, didn't see how I could live without him a week, let alone the rest of my life, definitely didn't know where to start, I felt suicidal.  I wonder how many secretly feel that way and are afraid to talk about it.  We definitely don't portray all that we're feeling within, not when people are telling us how strong we are, we feel quite the opposite!  I remember how George thought the world of me, his belief in me helps keep me going, he believes in me even when I don't and sometimes that's all I need.

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KMB   
5 hours ago, KayC said:

I remember how George thought the world of me, his belief in me helps keep me going, he believes in me even when I don't and sometimes that's all I need.

I know. My Ed thought the world of me too. I even has his words to that effect in one of his letters. We used to exchange letters during the first year, before living together and eventually getting married. All of those words and promises held up through our years together. They help to sustain me today. But, boy, it hurts like the dickens to be without him now.

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Andy   
8 hours ago, KMB said:

I know. My Ed thought the world of me too. I even has his words to that effect in one of his letters. We used to exchange letters during the first year, before living together and eventually getting married. All of those words and promises held up through our years together. They help to sustain me today. But, boy, it hurts like the dickens to be without him now.

He still thinks the world of you, and you can bet that each and every letter you gave him is written across his heart. 

Love my friend,

Andy

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M88   
18 hours ago, KMB said:

I know. My Ed thought the world of me too. I even has his words to that effect in one of his letters. We used to exchange letters during the first year, before living together and eventually getting married. All of those words and promises held up through our years together. They help to sustain me today. But, boy, it hurts like the dickens to be without him now.

It's lovely you have letters from Ed, KMB.  I have all our cards we gave each other and I look at them often.  They've mostly got the same message written in them,  but I treasure each of them and like you, they sustain me today. 

Hugs

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KayC   

I let his letters go because they were too personal for my kids to read and someday I'll be gone and they'll be going through my stuff...I kept all his cards though and his notes that he left around the house and I remember his letters and their content.  I guess because I'm getting older I have to think of these things.  :angry:

I have one note he gave me that I keep above my computer hutch that I can glance up often at it, it says, "Little One, You are the one who made it all come true for me...you're the BEST!! TAT (thru all time), George...then he put his smiley face he always drew, it was special.

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KMB   
9 hours ago, M88 said:

 

 

9 hours ago, M88 said:

They've mostly got the same message written in them,  but I treasure each of them and like you, they sustain me today. 

Yep, you will cherish them. Doesn't matter if the messages were the same. It shows his unwavering thoughts, feelings of love towards you and his commitment through time.

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KMB   
50 minutes ago, KayC said:

they were too personal for my kids to read and someday I'll be gone and they'll be going through my stuff..

I haven't let that knowledge influence my desire to keep the letters, cards and notes. The kids all know the deep love that was shared. By the time the kids read and go through my things, I won't be here to be embarrassed. If the kids don't find that kind of soul mate love in my life time, it isn't going to hurt them to know that their mom was truly blessed to have found hers and they still have hope.:)

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M88   
17 minutes ago, KMB said:

 

Yep, you will cherish them. Doesn't matter if the messages were the same. It shows his unwavering thoughts, feelings of love towards you and his commitment through time.

Oh, that is so right, KMB !! I hadn't looked upon Gerry's messages in that way.  I truly love and respect your insight :) 

Hugs.

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M88   
16 minutes ago, KMB said:

I haven't let that knowledge influence my desire to keep the letters, cards and notes. The kids all know the deep love that was shared. By the time the kids read and go through my things, I won't be here to be embarrassed. If the kids don't find that kind of soul mate love in my life time, it isn't going to hurt them to know that their mom was truly blessed to have found hers and they still have hope.:)

This :) 

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Andy   
51 minutes ago, KMB said:

I haven't let that knowledge influence my desire to keep the letters, cards and notes. The kids all know the deep love that was shared. By the time the kids read and go through my things, I won't be here to be embarrassed. If the kids don't find that kind of soul mate love in my life time, it isn't going to hurt them to know that their mom was truly blessed to have found hers and they still have hope.:)

Well said. 

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On 1/27/2017 at 10:29 AM, Andy said:

What I feel, daily, is an indescribable sensation of utter sorrow, despair and complete loneliness. Nothing anyone here hasn't experienced, I'm sure, but knowing that doesn't lessen the pain. Seeing others go through and survive this is a comfort, and I take those "lessons" to heart. I miss her everyday, I still text her phone, I still question reality, "Is this real? Will she come back? Will I wake from this?" I know she's gone (her mortal form), I know she isn't coming back, but the truth is almost too much for me to accept.

After 5 months I still do this. I text my wife all day. And ask the same questions. And while this forum is nice of course, it doesn’t lessen the hurt at all. Just wanted to say thank you for posting something in which I can see something of myself.

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Andy   
15 hours ago, Djh0901kc said:

After 5 months I still do this. I text my wife all day. And ask the same questions. And while this forum is nice of course, it doesn’t lessen the hurt at all. Just wanted to say thank you for posting something in which I can see something of myself.

This forum was what I needed when my world fell apart. The people I met, and those that I will consider friends for the rest of my life, helped carry me through the darkest days of this journey. I'm closing in on a year, and I will soon experience the last of the "firsts". Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve, the day on which my wife passed away. These will be the most painful and trying, but I will make it through. I'm ready for these days to pass, to no longer threaten me like some storm just over the horizon. I'll face them, I'll accept them, I'll cope, but it will be on my terms. My inner self has changed in many ways, how I see life, time, the future,  the value I place on the things around me. The last few months have seen a change in my life that I thought was impossible, I have hope and the promise of a future now. Love has once again proven it's tenacity in the face of extreme odds. I will love my dear wife until the end of time, she was 27 years of my life, she is, and always will be, part of who I am. What I have, the beginnings of what promises to be the second chapter, is validation of the human spirit. We adapt and find ways to carry on. I have a memorial of sorts, deep within my heart, a place where my Tracie will always be. I see and talk with her everyday, but instead of the sorrow and grief I would feel at the mere thought of her, I now feel a comfort and gratitude for the life she gave me, the honor bestowed upon me to care for this wonderful person. She called me her husband, she made me a better person, she showed me what the absolute truth of love really is. I will never betray or turn my back on the gifts she gave me, I will live up to this legacy of sacrifice and devotion. I now move into another place of my life, a place that I didn't believe existed, a place I thought couldn't exist. Without warning, without expectation, love has once again found its way back into my life. My heart, while forever broken, has begun to beat once again, it "feels" again. My daughter and parents, my dear friends, I love them all, and now, the recent addition of my grandson has made me aware of so much. The loss of my wife was THE watershed event of my life. There is "then", and there is "now", before and after. I have a few new horizons to chase, new memeories to make, and as I begin this journey, my wife will be with me. She is gone, home to her Father, but I suspect that she still keeps an eye on her clumsy, and sometimes lost, husband. I also believe that my wife, my beloved Tracie, has found one last way to take care of me. She always provided me with the assurance of home, the warmth and peace of our love, the comfort of knowing that even when the world burned down around me, she was mine and I was hers. And that is all that mattered. With her lessons that she gave me, her quite strength and unyielding devotion, and I believe her "direction", I have once again found something that will allow me to have these things. Against all reason and expectation, I have felt joy and happiness, my faith in hope has been realized. I go forward, into a future that I actually embrace and look forward to. I will miss Tracie until I no longer draw breath, I will love her until the universe no longer draws breath, and it is because of her that I have the courage to once again walk this path. My friend, life doesn't care how much we love one another, it doesn't ask how you feel, it doesn't seek to make you happy or make you miserable, it simply doesn't care. It's horrible and beautiful and takes and gives, but I care. It is MY life, so with what very little control I do have, I will again fight for happiness. I will fight to make sure that I matter, that the people I love matter, that by living an honorable life, a life lived well, I will then honor my wife. My life will mean something again. In doing so, I will show the world that my wife's heart lives on, her heart mattered, SHE mattered. She will always matter.

Peace be with you as you continue your journey without end. The path with take many directions, some familiar, some treacherous, many unexpected. Do not be afraid, do not take counsel from fear, remember all the things that mean something, hold dear to the love you have, let these warm and keep you. As in life, they were true and honest, and it is still so. Life belongs to the living, and we are alive. Seek life and fight for everything. Our departed beloveds would see us happy again, and they would be proud. 

Andy-

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6 hours ago, Andy said:

This forum was what I needed when my world fell apart. The people I met, and those that I will consider friends for the rest of my life, helped carry me through the darkest days of this journey. I'm closing in on a year, and I will soon experience the last of the "firsts". Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve, the day on which my wife passed away. These will be the most painful and trying, but I will make it through. I'm ready for these days to pass, to no longer threaten me like some storm just over the horizon. I'll face them, I'll accept them, I'll cope, but it will be on my terms. My inner self has changed in many ways, how I see life, time, the future,  the value I place on the things around me. The last few months have seen a change in my life that I thought was impossible, I have hope and the promise of a future now. Love has once again proven it's tenacity in the face of extreme odds. I will love my dear wife until the end of time, she was 27 years of my life, she is, and always will be, part of who I am. What I have, the beginnings of what promises to be the second chapter, is validation of the human spirit. We adapt and find ways to carry on. I have a memorial of sorts, deep within my heart, a place where my Tracie will always be. I see and talk with her everyday, but instead of the sorrow and grief I would feel at the mere thought of her, I now feel a comfort and gratitude for the life she gave me, the honor bestowed upon me to care for this wonderful person. She called me her husband, she made me a better person, she showed me what the absolute truth of love really is. I will never betray or turn my back on the gifts she gave me, I will live up to this legacy of sacrifice and devotion. I now move into another place of my life, a place that I didn't believe existed, a place I thought couldn't exist. Without warning, without expectation, love has once again found its way back into my life. My heart, while forever broken, has begun to beat once again, it "feels" again. My daughter and parents, my dear friends, I love them all, and now, the recent addition of my grandson has made me aware of so much. The loss of my wife was THE watershed event of my life. There is "then", and there is "now", before and after. I have a few new horizons to chase, new memeories to make, and as I begin this journey, my wife will be with me. She is gone, home to her Father, but I suspect that she still keeps an eye on her clumsy, and sometimes lost, husband. I also believe that my wife, my beloved Tracie, has found one last way to take care of me. She always provided me with the assurance of home, the warmth and peace of our love, the comfort of knowing that even when the world burned down around me, she was mine and I was hers. And that is all that mattered. With her lessons that she gave me, her quite strength and unyielding devotion, and I believe her "direction", I have once again found something that will allow me to have these things. Against all reason and expectation, I have felt joy and happiness, my faith in hope has been realized. I go forward, into a future that I actually embrace and look forward to. I will miss Tracie until I no longer draw breath, I will love her until the universe no longer draws breath, and it is because of her that I have the courage to once again walk this path. My friend, life doesn't care how much we love one another, it doesn't ask how you feel, it doesn't seek to make you happy or make you miserable, it simply doesn't care. It's horrible and beautiful and takes and gives, but I care. It is MY life, so with what very little control I do have, I will again fight for happiness. I will fight to make sure that I matter, that the people I love matter, that by living an honorable life, a life lived well, I will then honor my wife. My life will mean something again. In doing so, I will show the world that my wife's heart lives on, her heart mattered, SHE mattered. She will always matter.

Peace be with you as you continue your journey without end. The path with take many directions, some familiar, some treacherous, many unexpected. Do not be afraid, do not take counsel from fear, remember all the things that mean something, hold dear to the love you have, let these warm and keep you. As in life, they were true and honest, and it is still so. Life belongs to the living, and we are alive. Seek life and fight for everything. Our departed beloveds would see us happy again, and they would be proud. 

Andy-

That was quite beautiful. Reading it actually moved me to tears. Not a rare occurrence these days I’ll admit, but it was beautiful just the same. So strange to think that so many of us will be experiencing our first Thanksgiving and Christmas without our loved ones. What a terrible thing to share. And I will confess that I AM afraid. Afraid BECAUSE this a journey without an end. I’m afraid I can’t do this. Not alone. Not without her. Not year after year. It’s been five months and I already feel I’ve gone as far as I can. I wish I shared the optimism you seem to have. I’ve always known that life didn’t care but my way of dealing with that knowledge was my wife. The one person that made living in an uncaring world worth it. Without her, I have no guiding star. Nothing to keep me moving forward and in the right direction. We didn’t have children or grandchildren. No family really to speak of. I constantly ask myself, “What’s the point?” I wish she could tell me what I should do. I’m just so lost without her.

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Andy   

Maybe she did tell you what you should do. You were her guiding star, her point of reference in a world without direction. She believed in you as much as you believed in her. What she saw, what she knew, what she understands in you that made it impossible for her not to love you, those things still exist. The things she valued in you, that essence of what makes you, you, let those things live again. Breathe, see your own value, allow that to encompass all that is. She knows who you are, she knows what you are, what you need, more than anyone alive, so let the things that guided HER, let them guide you. Five months I was lost. Then I began "talking" to my wife, in a much more direct way. More "real", not pleading or the constant decelerations of guilt or regret, but like I used to speak with her. I simply put things in her hands. I don't even know if things work that way, but it doesn't matter. It allowed me to reconcile then and now, it allowed me to move forward. Not move on, but forward. My wife knows what I need in life, better than anyone ever will, so why not entrust her with that aspect of my future? Even if you don't subscribe to that way of thinking, it still exposes you to consider the things that made you and your wife as "one", you consider, once again, who you WERE before she passed on. See what she sees, believe in what she believes in, be the man she loves, and always will love. Listen to her. 

Whatever path you walk, which ever path you wish to take, you won't be alone. She's there, and she wants what she has always wanted, you to be happy, to be the man you were always meant to be. Do so to honor her, yes, but do so for yourself. You will find your heartbeat again. 

Andy-

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KMB   

Andy,  Thank you for sharing the wisdom and soul searching you have gained. Thank you for sharing the path you have chosen for yourself. You may have been replying and advising Djh, but you were also replying and sharing with all of us. We are humbled and in awe of your post. We are all going to be taking a lot from your words. There is hope out there for each of us, we only need to listen to our hearts, honor our beloveds and keep the faith. Thank you for your friendship and continued support, encouragement and giving heart. :)

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KayC   

Andy,

I've missed you so much here!  You always shared words of wisdom and balance.  I've wondered how you were doing.  It's good to hear you are doing better, I know your little grandbaby has brought joy to your life, but to hear you've found love again, I'm very happy for you!  Life does continue and unexpected joys present...we will continue to miss the one we've lost, but we also need to embrace what IS so we don't miss it.  Do drop in now and then, you're an inspiration to us.

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Andy   

KMB and KayC!

Hello my dear friends! It's good to hear from and talk with you again. Life has indeed once again proven that the only thing I can count on is it's unpredictability. Not expecting what I've recently found myself in is frightening and nice. Life takes away as quick as it gives, so I'm not questioning too much, just seeing where the road goes. 

I love you guys, always will. Pardon my absence, it's hard coming here, so I had to look at this another way, from another perspective I guess. So, I'll try to drop in, see if I have anything worthwhile to contribute. 

Peace and love to you both, and great big hugs!

Andy

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Francine   

 

I am so happy to hear from you and know that you are doing well.  I wish I could be so lucky; guess I'm not there yet.  You see, I haven't decided who I want to be; I've always been (for the last 45 years) Charles' wife and I loved it.  I believe at different junctures in our lives, we are given the opportunity to reinvent ourselves and this is probably one of those times; but I don't know;  I'm confused, troubled; worried.  I no longer have to be accommodating to another person; perhaps I'm just still suffering. 

What I have done (and one might say, it's moving forward) is taking charge of my personal finances; perhaps because I had no other choice.  I'm learning to rely on myself; trust my judgement; ask for advice when necessary, decide what is and what is not important, how I want my home to be, to look and it's a lot to take in - but I try to use the information to make your own decisions.

Coming up on a year since Charles made his transition, I feel lonelier than ever, but seeing that another relationship is simply out of the question or me, lonely is an emotion I'm willing to accept.  Oh, I still have my children; grandchildren; siblings; and my church family - I'm OK with that.  I've been married for so long, for decades and I don't consider myself anything but.  It's hard to think of myself as a widower or single person.  It's hard to think of myself as a total person - for 45 years, I was his other half and he was mine.  How can you turn that around in a year?

People tell me that I am embarking on a new great adventure - *me*.  It's all to overwhelming - I feel excited, as well as scared, anxious and sad.  Andy, I'm genuinely happy for you, but I don't know if I'm ready for this second year of grief.  They say it is a time to reclaim my life and refocus on a *new* me way of life; time to reinvent myself and grow in new directions.  I'll be the first to tell you, I'm scared.   As you know, I am a true believer in faith and God and I believe we are not suppose live our lives in pain and sorrow; it just not what God has in store for us.  HE wants us to live a full and happy life even though we miss and long for what we've lost.  HE wants us to remember and honor our loved  one while also embracing the beauty and fullness of the life we still get to live. It’s about the brilliance of our love and the shadow of our loss coexisting in this complex and expansive experience we call living.

Again, you are truly bless with uplifting words for all of us here on this website and I'm so glad to hear from you again.  Don't be a strangee and know that my prayers are always with you. 


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Jtl214   

I am so sorry for each and every one of you that lost someone. Tomorrow will be a month that my fiance passed. I admire the strength you all have. I don't feel so strong. I don't know if I'll ever be any kind of ok again. He was the only thing I have ever wanted in my entire life. One of the things that literally brings me to my knees is remembering some of our fights and thinking of how cruel I had been to him. I'm haunted by those memories and they shake me to my core. I love him with every particle of my existence and I feel like I can't make it without him. I'm running low on hope and I miss him so much that I can't breath. My family and friends force me to eat because it feels like I'm swallowing rocks. It gets harder with every day that goes by. I feel like I passed away with him and the only thing I feel is an eternal torture. I don't know how I'm going to survive this but I'm trying so hard. I desperately want to give up but I can't let the people who love me down. I will love him for the rest of my life and I don't ever want anyone else. 

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Andy   

KMB and KayC!

Hello my dear friends! It's good to hear from and talk with you again. Life has indeed once again proven that the only thing I can count on is it's unpredictability. Not expecting what I've recently found myself in is frightening and nice. Life takes away as quick as it gives, so I'm not questioning too much, just seeing where the road goes. 

I love you guys, always will. Pardon my absence, it's hard coming here, so I had to look at this another way, from another perspective I guess. So, I'll try to drop in, see if I have anything worthwhile to contribute. 

Peace and love to you both, and great big hugs!

Andy

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Andy   

Francine!

Its good to hear from you again, it has been awhile and as I told KMB and KayC, I will try to stay a little more aware of the goings on here. 

You know, this is your timetable. If you need 100 years, if it take two weeks, then that's what it takes. And as far as what road you want to go down, that's all in good time. Don't force or overthink it, just let life unfold. God doesn't use neon signs to show us the way, sometimes God puts many paths in front of us, leaves it up to us. He knows ALL possibilities, and maybe he lets us use the free will he gave us. You get to choose, trust that whatever you decide as you move on, it'll be okay. We all have more than one horizon to chase, you pick when and where. And sometimes standing still is the best move. You'll get there. 

Love and hugs 

Andy-

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