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      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Andy

Want to share my experience.

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KayC   

KMB,

I hope this time with your daughter helps you both tremendously.  My daughter moved home with me for a short while when George died.  She was around a lot, but just having someone to touch base with now and then helped.

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KayC   
9 hours ago, Andy said:

I like to think though, if things like this are possible, that Jewel (the dog) will have a very happy welcome when she crosses over. She will run again and jump and be pain free, chasing birds and squirrels. And my wife will be there, laughing and running right along with her. Anyway, that's what I like to believe. 

That's how I believe too.  No matter what side of heaven the dog is on, they'll have someone to care for them.  I've lost dogs and cats since George died, it's comforting to know he's with them.

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KayC   
8 hours ago, HHFaith said:

I found my myself turning on the TV and getting comfortable on the couch. And it wasn't so bad.

I couldn't watch t.v. for a long time after George died, cable was one of the first things to go.  It was ten years before I could really get into a book and read it all the way through.  I fought my way through grief books but can hardly say it was enjoyable.  Ten years.  That's what it did to my ability to focus.

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KMB   

KayC, Thank you. It will be different with my daughter actually living here, instead of visiting. The moving truck will be here this afternoon. I know I will have to set some boundaries up with her. As far as what I am willing or not willing to do or for going places. I don't feel I am ever going to be 100% the person I used to be. I still just want to get through this life and be with my husband.

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Andy   

HHFaith, thank you for your encouragement, something I need more of these days. 

Getting out and doing something or simply running an errand has taken on new dimensions and implications. Sometimes I just feel a little strange going to eat by myself, I wonder if people think if something wrong with me. I know, it's a strange thing to consider, but I can't help but wonder. Couples, family's, groups of friends, wherever or whatever, I feel like I shouldn't be there. I'm that odd guy who's always alone. I realize 99% of the people don't actually sit and think that much about strangers, we're much too inwardly focused for that, but I can't help how I feel. 

Its great that you've allowed yourself to once again enjoy a once cherished activity. It's difficult enough doing things without our beloveds, but then add to that our "guilt" for having fun without them. Emotions are so very complex and irrational, it's those things that make all of this so very difficult. You wreck your car, you call police/notify insurance, you get it fixed/pay what you have to pay, get car back and case closed. There is no "step by step" process to deal with our loss, so we do the best we can, sometimes we improvise, sometimes we do nothing at all. For us, watching a favorite show is a very big deal, so is cooking a meal, going on vacation (what is that again?), laughing, smiling, those are mountains for us. Things we once took for granted now become life goals. 

Thanks again HHFaith, I hope you have a great "rest of your day",

Andy

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1 hour ago, Andy said:

Getting out and doing something or simply running an errand has taken on new dimensions and implications. Sometimes I just feel a little strange going to eat by myself, I wonder if people think if something wrong with me. I know, it's a strange thing to consider, but I can't help but wonder. Couples, family's, groups of friends, wherever or whatever, I feel like I shouldn't be there. I'm that odd guy who's always alone. I realize 99% of the people don't actually sit and think that much about strangers, we're much too inwardly focused for that, but I can't help how I feel. 

Andy,  I am pretty sure nobody is paying attention.  When Nicole and I used to eat out I never remember one time thinking about the people eating alone.  This doesnt bother me that much, however, seeing the couples talking and holding hands, etc still makes me feel my loss.  Every time I see a couple riding a motorbike which is about 500 times per day the memory just persists.  This keeps me permanently depressed.

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Andy, I still feel it when I go grocery shopping(the loss). I used to buy for four but not now, No one to ask if they like or want this or that. no conversation when shopping. I end up not getting much and then the checkout person always ask "How are you doing? or How has your day been?" I hate lying to them, It was ok until I had to go shopping. That's the truth but it's not their fault so I say "good" and pay. One thing hasn't changed groceries are still expansive, that part doesn't make sense any more. Then my kids come home from college and tell me I haven't got any food in the house. I can't win...

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Andy   

Bradley1985, I'm sure you're right, nobody pays any attention, but it's a perception, probably because after always being with someone for so long, it just feels "wrong" to be doing the same things, but alone. Couples don't bother me, I actually find it nice to see others who appear to be happy together. In fact, my prevailing thought is "I hope they appreciate and cherish what they have". We know how quickly it can all disappear. Happiness still exists, with or without me, I just hope I can recapture some, before I turn completely into a grouchy curmudgeon with a bitter hatred for life. My wife passing has zero to do with anyone else or their happiness, just mine and our family. I sometimes wish I had anger, instead it's this creeping hopelessness that I'm fighting all the time. It's as if everything is precariously balanced and one more heartbreak will push it over. I'm still seeking and pushing and I absolutely refuse to give up. What happens is what happens, but not because I threw in the towel. 

Autocharge, that's a constant issue, people ask how you are, we know they really aren't interested, it's a courtesy, nothing more. So, like you, I say "good" or "fine" and carry on. One day perhaps, it won't be a total lie. 

Thank you both, be safe and may you find peace,

Andy

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AceBasin   
2 hours ago, Autocharge said:

I still feel it when I go grocery shopping(the loss).

 

The grocery store is a big issue for many, especially after caregiving. I try to go to different stores, change my routine and menus and always buy a treat for myself that I never would have bought before. Yesterday on the way home from the store I stopped at a old fashioned frozen custard shop, bought a quart of soft vanilla and ate it on the drive home. I completely forgot about buying just one steak, not two. I am, however, much more likely to get gourmet takeout than eat at a restaurant because it saves time and I still adjusting to doing all the things my wife used to do. People have been very supportive and many go out of their way to help and include me.

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KayC   

I couldn't get groceries after George died.  We'd always made it "our day", we live 50 miles away from the grocery store and would go visit friends, go out to eat, get groceries, make the trek home, put everything away, enjoy the fruits of our labors and watch a movie together...it was OUR day.  After I lost him, I just couldn't do it, couldn't make that drive alone.  My daughter got groceries for me for months until I finally moved out of my comfort zone and forced myself to do it.  So hard!  Baby steps...

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Lulu   
3 hours ago, KayC said:

I couldn't get groceries after George died.  We'd always made it "our day", we live 50 miles away from the grocery store and would go visit friends, go out to eat, get groceries, make the trek home, put everything away, enjoy the fruits of our labors and watch a movie together...it was OUR day.  After I lost him, I just couldn't do it, couldn't make that drive alone.  My daughter got groceries for me for months until I finally moved out of my comfort zone and forced myself to do it.  So hard!  Baby steps...

I still have a hard time with groceries. I have gone very few times on my own, and when I do it's usually for necessities, not really for any food. I have gone with family when they are visiting and that's when food is bought because they are cooking. I can't even tell them that I no longer shop for food that needs preparing. I just can't, I have no desire. I will usually pick up a salad on my way home fromwork or some fast food, or some cans of soup and water. I used to do most of the grocery shopping and I would always pick up items for us to fix dinner together, and I would pick up some items I thought Lily would like to try. But now, I have no desire to cook and the fun and joy of trying new foods is gone.

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wow, The grocery thing seems to be a big issue. Yes I to have just the necessities including cans of soup. Quick , easy, cheap I find it to be more expensive to buy and prep food then eating out. Also lots of places give me a discount for being military. The change in eating habits has resulted in me losing 45 lbs this past year. I have stabilized at 186 lbs for about 5 months now. So I think the issue of weight loss and depression in regards to one's health is not my concern now. Having traveled around the world I like all kinds of food  .I still find myself trying new things it's what I do plus you just never know when you will find that new favorite.

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KayC   

The grocery store was a trigger for a long time.  My George loved to eat, being from a family where he was second to the oldest of 11 kids, never enough food growing up, food was important to him, he loved all of it and was so fun to cook for because he truly appreciated anything I fixed.  When I would run across something at the store that he loved, after he was gone, it was very hard...not fun breaking into tears in the grocery aisle!  People look at you kind of weird.:wacko:

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Andy   
1 hour ago, KayC said:

The grocery store was a trigger for a long time.  My George loved to eat, being from a family where he was second to the oldest of 11 kids, never enough food growing up, food was important to him, he loved all of it and was so fun to cook for because he truly appreciated anything I fixed.  When I would run across something at the store that he loved, after he was gone, it was very hard...not fun breaking into tears in the grocery aisle!  People look at you kind of weird.:wacko:

I think it's those common, everyday activities that we so often do with our partners that get such a reaction, whether it's buying groceries, shopping in general or running to the post office. It's the "rituals" that have been created through years of routine. It's almost akin to reflex or muscle memory, we're so used to our beloved being there, this "amputation" hits us when we attempt a task that was done with two instead of one. 

 

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Lulu   
58 minutes ago, Andy said:

I think it's those common, everyday activities that we so often do with our partners that get such a reaction, whether it's buying groceries, shopping in general or running to the post office. It's the "rituals" that have been created through years of routine. It's almost akin to reflex or muscle memory, we're so used to our beloved being there, this "amputation" hits us when we attempt a task that was done with two instead of one. 

 

Yes! It's the routines that are no more. We used to go into town on weekends together, I would run in and do the grocery shopping and she would wait in the car. She hated the long lines so I would do the shopping. But it was the 30 minute drive to and from town that was the best part of our trips. The time we would have, we'd talk and laugh, or sometimes just listen to the radio or she'd be on the phone with her family, but she was there and I could turn to her and she'd smile. Or, we'd go shopping for whatnots and sometimes we wouldn't buy anything, we'd walk around the store just browsing and daydreaming about the extravagant items we hoped to one day get for our home. Now, those dreams are gone, those times spent together are no more. I am left with nothing. A big house that I barely live in and enjoy because it's too hard. I stay in my room and just wait for another day to come. The weekends are the worst. I don't know what I am going to do with myself with so much empty time to waste.

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Andy   

Lulu, I definitely understand that. Empty spaces and empty hours. Spending the rest of our days trying to fill them with something meaningful. 

Andy

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KayC   
22 hours ago, Andy said:

I think it's those common, everyday activities that we so often do with our partners that get such a reaction, whether it's buying groceries, shopping in general or running to the post office. It's the "rituals" that have been created through years of routine. It's almost akin to reflex or muscle memory, we're so used to our beloved being there, this "amputation" hits us when we attempt a task that was done with two instead of one. 

 

You're so right!  I've been at this long enough to have broken the "routine" of doing these things with him but even now I get hit with "George would like that" thoughts...even after all this time.  12 years in two days.  

Friday evenings were a trigger for me too.  George used to come into my office about 4:30-4:45 pm every Friday night, holding a drippy ice cream cone for me (what was I supposed to do with a drippy ice cream cone while I was busy working, backing up my computer, finishing what I was doing, etc.?)  I used to give him the outgoing mail so he could walk to the Post Office a block away and mail them, just to get him out of my hair long enough to back up the computer, etc.  Oh how I miss that!  I miss he beautiful smiling face, his spirit!  I miss HIM!  Sigh...

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Andy   

KayC, 

Its only been 6 months for me, yet, after 12 years, you're still struck with profound sadness, perhaps not as often as it once was, but it's still there. There shouldn't be any surprise I guess, your love for one another is equally as profound and even more enduring. One without the other is impossible I suppose, it's as it must be. 

I go to a local spot every weekend, Saturday morning usually, to eat breakfast. It's a place my wife and I would go, on occasion, just the two of us. It's the only place so far I can endure dining alone. I feel somewhat "at ease" while there, so frequent my visits that I've become a "regular". They know me, my story, why I'm alone. Instead of it being a trigger, it's more of a comfort, being in a place we both enjoyed, it's casual simplicity, it's familiar surroundings. Regardless of where I go or what I do, she'll be missed, for even in places completely foreign to me, she isn't by my side. And that made everything familiar and all things right.

Her absence makes every picture incomplete.

Andy

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KayC   

I wouldn't say I'm a sad person, but sometimes lonely, always miss him, triggers can hit but not as strong as they once were.  He was the love of my life, definitely my soulmate!  It's as you describe...you always notice their absence.

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Andy   
1 hour ago, KayC said:

I wouldn't say I'm a sad person, but sometimes lonely, always miss him, triggers can hit but not as strong as they once were.  He was the love of my life, definitely my soulmate!  It's as you describe...you always notice their absence.

I'm sorry, I think I choose my words poorly. I wasn't trying to imply you're a sad person, just remarking that, even after so many years, you can still have moments where the pain and sorrow hit you. Again KayC, I apologize, I know you aren't a sad person, quite the contrary, I hope I can get to the place you're at. 

Be safe and hugs my friend,

Andy

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KayC   

No apologies needed, Andy!  I just don't want anyone to think that it's all mopey after all these years!  (12 years today)

But I suppose it is a fair assessment...I think to those of us who have lost our soulmate, there is a level of sadness we carry around with us even while we're enjoying ourselves!   I have learned to coexist with my grief.  Sometimes I forget that I am "different" from other people, that this is not their normal too, because I have gotten used to this, it's always with me.  I can fully enjoy what is even while missing what isn't, if that makes any sense.

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Andy   
10 hours ago, KayC said:

No apologies needed, Andy!  I just don't want anyone to think that it's all mopey after all these years!  (12 years today)

But I suppose it is a fair assessment...I think to those of us who have lost our soulmate, there is a level of sadness we carry around with us even while we're enjoying ourselves!   I have learned to coexist with my grief.  Sometimes I forget that I am "different" from other people, that this is not their normal too, because I have gotten used to this, it's always with me.  I can fully enjoy what is even while missing what isn't, if that makes any sense.

It makes perfect sense. I'm glad you weren't offended by my poor choice of phrasing, I was afraid I had been stupid in my explanation. Coexisting with our grief, exactly! That's exactly what we strive for, I do anyway. Not to constantly struggle against it or allow it to control my emotions or life, but to live as healthy and as productively as we can. You summed up the heart of the matter, getting along with our loss, our sorrow, without going insane. 

Well said KayC. Again, thank you for understanding. Love and an apologetic hug :-)

Andy

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Andy   

Friends,

I just got home from work, after sitting an additional 40 minutes as an accident scene was worked. I think there were injuries, 2 ambulances were on site, so my having to sit in 100 degree heat index weather was minor compared to those involved. My point, after arriving home I had a letter from our old phone carrier waiting on me. It stated that the bill was nearly $100 for just my wife's line, not a smartphone, so no data, nothing but standard texting and calling. While we had all of our phones with this carrier, her line was $16.00 a month. I took the other two phones off and they raised it to nearly $100. So, I had no choice. I called and informed them why this arrangement was unacceptable, and I could no longer keep the line. I can't describe what that just did to me, I knew this day was coming, but I kept ignoring the reality. I sent her phone one last text, said what I wanted, the end of another chapter. The last, physically tangible, act I could still engage in that was a direct link to one of our rituals, is gone. I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Saying goodbye again. Another piece of what was, has disappeared. Slowly, or maybe quickly, she's vanishing from the world. I guess only some photos, mementos, and memories will remain. Mail addressed to her has nearly ceased, no more text messages from the pharmacy, no calls from the doctors, nobody wanting to speak to Tracie. I don't know what exactly I'm feeling, I think there's a lot going on, but it isn't good. God, I'm so tired. My heart has been crushed and there has to be something, someone, some way back. 

Thank you for reading,

Andy 

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21 minutes ago, Andy said:

she's vanishing from the world

Andy, I’m dealing with something similar to your phone situation. However my problem is a little bigger for you see it’s a Car(SUV). The motor has a rod knocking in it ( it started not to long before she came to Guam and of course she never need it again). It cost more to put an engine it then it's worth and the scrap metal place will only give 150.00 for it. But every time it’s in my way (it’s out in the pasture by the barn) I go out there and it starts right up engine knocking and all radio AC, windows, sunroof all perfect. Other than the engine its in great shape. Why can't it just break all the way? Point is I can't make up my mind on what to do with it. I had to move the set just to get in and move it but I dare not adjust the mirrors( I can still hear her telling me about all the effort it takes to readjust her mirrors just right for her, she was 4 foot 11).

 

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1 hour ago, Andy said:

The last, physically tangible, act I could still engage in that was a direct link to one of our rituals, is gone. I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Saying goodbye again. Another piece of what was, has disappeared. Slowly, or maybe quickly, she's vanishing from the world. I guess only some photos, mementos, and memories will remain. Mail addressed to her has nearly ceased, no more text messages from the pharmacy, no calls from the doctors, nobody wanting to speak to Tracie. I don't know what exactly I'm feeling, I think there's a lot going on, but it isn't good. God, I'm so tired. My heart has been crushed and there has to be something, someone, some way back. 

Hi Andy,

Mike here.  I know the feeling.  You're at a hard time in your grief; as if there were any easy times... But you must realize it will pass.  Nothing stays the same in this world: not joy, love, happiness or sadness.  You will make it through this, and on the other side, there may well be good times again.  Stay strong.  We're all here for you.

Mike

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