Andy

Want to share my experience.

461 posts in this topic

KMB, I think you've defined my issue of late, the "permanence of loss" gaining ground as my new world, my new reality. Its not a thing we are used to dealing with. We lose a job, get sick, fight with a friend, suffer financial problems, damage a vehicle, these are all problematic, all carry varying degrees of difficulty. They tend though, to be temporary, we get through them, move on with our lives. This loss we face now? Oh no, not temporary, not going to correct itself. This is FOREVER. I think physiologically, our body's and our minds are "expecting" this to be over soon, it isn't in our usual experiences. This is so far removed from routine, it has an entirely different effect. It's been roughly 2 1/2 months, my "body" says "this is enough", I should be better by now. It's like an automatic reaction. A reflex of sorts. It's so terribly wrong, our minds, hearts, even down to our cells, we can't process this. If everyone on earth could feel our pain for one minute, at a young age, I wonder how many would risk marriage or any long term, committed, relationship? Of course, I wouldn't change anything, I love the life I had, the honor of being loved by her and being privileged enough to care for her, but to those who've never had that kind of sincere kind of relationship, they might have second thoughts. 

I hooked up my GoPro camera today, on one of my tvs, and my wife was in a few of the clips. Not featured front and center, but peripherally, in and out of view as I shot scenery or a few Disney World things. It was surreal, my reaction wasn't what I expected. Instead of tears or terrible waves of sorrow, it was very calming. It was if she was "there", still alive, just in another way. It saddened me of course, but not terribly so. It was reassuring that I could see her, moving, speaking, her hair moving. I have some old VHS and Super 8 tapes that I have yet to look at. Some of those WILL feature her more prominently, our wedding video, our newborn daughter, some vacations, car shows, and I really don't know what else. I'm not ready for them yet. 

Thank you KMB, I hope you rest well and find some peacefulness. Bless you,

Andy 

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18 hours ago, Andy said:

A great deal of time. I don't believe this will be "better", I think it will evolve though. Or maybe I will? Either way, learning to cope with this, figuring out how to best move forward, will be a tremendous undertaking. Any life altering experiences, good or bad, are presumably shared with our life partners, but in our case, we set out alone. Time is no friend of mine, it will try to rob my memories, create distance with the ticking of the clock, erode my emotional connections. I'll fight that, it won't take that away too. Time though, will allow me to better understand my new reality, so I guess I'll have to cooperate on that level. So much misery, so much so that I find it amazing that we can feel this much pain, hour after hour, and still function at all. Incredible. 

To a better tomorrow, or at least a more bearable one.

Andy  

You are so right.  Grief has a beginning but not an ending, but it does evolve and it changes us, how we view things, how we respond.  I've also found I'm stronger than I knew and I've learned a tremendous amount on this journey.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

You are so right.  Grief has a beginning but not an ending, but it does evolve and it changes us, how we view things, how we respond.  I've also found I'm stronger than I knew and I've learned a tremendous amount on this journey.

KayC, I can only hope that I have the strength and resolve you've found within yourself, through faith and determination. Whether you realize it or not, you are an inspiration to myself, and I'm safe in assuming, many others as well. Thank you for your continued insight and words of encouragement, they are appreciated and taken to heart. 

Andy 

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Andy---It is the permanence of loss that is affecting me so much more so at this time. The other things in life, like you mention, jobs, sickness, vehicles. Those can be fixed or replaced. We cannot replace our soulmate. If cloning a human being was a reality, I would be fighting to get at the top of the list, no matter the cost. I don't know that much about cloning. The animals that have been cloned, were embryos to start. I would want my husband back at my current age, with full memory intact.I guess with the grieving, our minds go to bizarre places. Science fiction movies and the news media fuel that bizarreness. We would do anything to have our loved ones back with us again.

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45 minutes ago, KMB said:

Andy---It is the permanence of loss that is affecting me so much more so at this time. The other things in life, like you mention, jobs, sickness, vehicles. Those can be fixed or replaced. We cannot replace our soulmate. If cloning a human being was a reality, I would be fighting to get at the top of the list, no matter the cost. I don't know that much about cloning. The animals that have been cloned, were embryos to start. I would want my husband back at my current age, with full memory intact.I guess with the grieving, our minds go to bizarre places. Science fiction movies and the news media fuel that bizarreness. We would do anything to have our loved ones back with us again.

Today's science fiction, tomorrow's reality. We've mapped the human genome, isolating specific genes that regulate aging is in fact a possibility, not in my lifetime perhaps, but one day aging will be FAR different than today. Cloning or growing organs from our own genetic material will also be a possibility. Too bad we or our loved ones won't benefit from these advances. I suppose it's no different than people 100 years ago not having the modem "miracle" of x-rays or CT scans. 

This permanence is so "massive" in its scope, it's implications. It's so bleak, we know there is nothing that will repair our lives, nothing will be the same. I'm sure, hoping maybe, that things will get easier, joy will creep back in, but this will always be with us. It is a true watershed event, life before, then life after. A defining moment in our lives that altered everything. Our outlook, our future, the way we interact with others, even the way others see us, how we think and consider, our decisions, feelings of life and death, our moods, even physically we may experience changes, and what makes it all worse is that it is literally impossible for anyone else, not in our world, to understand this. The isolation is horrible, the loneliness nearly unbearable, and we can't "fix" it. We bide our time, we wait for a change, we hope that we get better, but we know it's not too promising. KMB, here's to a better tomorrow and I hope you get to enjoy at least a tiny bit of it. 

Love and hugs

Andy

 

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KayC, 

Andy is right..you are an inspiration for most of us here. Bless you for that. 

I've been really occupied for the last week or so and so I haven't been able to come here as much as I would like. I have a lot going on. My uncle is back in the hospital so I have been trying to visit as much as I can. I believe he is on his last now. It's so sad seeing him like this. He is barely responsive now. It seems I'm surrounded by death a lot lately. On Saturday my cousin dropped by for a short visit. He brought a friend with him. Nice guy..really pleasant. It was the first time I met him. I learnt today from my cousin that that nice guy took his own life last night. I was shocked. I mean even though I barely knew him, he was here at my house just a few days ago. It's all just so much. I am at a loss for words. This life is so strange. 

Tonight i was driving home when I realized that something wasn't right with my car. I pulled aside only to discover that I had a flat tyre. My first thought was to call Stan. He was always the one to handle all our car issues. I felt so very sad. I am really no good at changing a tyre although I know the basics of it. I called my brother who was able to help me out. It made me realize how alone I am, how alone I feel. I'm lucky to have my family around but they all have their own lives. I hate to be an imposition. Is my life always going to be such a sad mess? I feel it might as I feel I have no purpose here. 

Prayers to all my dear friends here. Much love.

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OMG, Nads!  I'm so sorry!  That must have been a horrible shock!  We never know what's going on inside of people.  I can't say it hasn't occurred to me many times but when all's said and done, I couldn't do that, not really.  It's not that I want to be dead, it's that I often don't want to go through what I have to go through.  But there IS no easy out!  And knowing how hard my daughter is grieving the loss of her baby/pregnancy, I could never put her through anything more.  Even if she doesn't call me.  I know she loves me, it's not about me, it's about her and what she is going through.  And my son, we've always been close, even if he does live 2 1/2 hours away, even if he has a wife and two babies and works long hours.  The feelings are the same between us no matter how busy his life is.  The thirties is a busy time in life, I remember.

Gosh, Nads, something like this kind of puts things in perspective, doesn't it.  This morning I was thinking I HAVE to live to take care of my animals, I could not bear them going through the emotional pain of losing me, they mean too much to me.  So our thoughts go.  But I wonder what the difference is between the person suicide occurs to and the person that actually does it?

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14 hours ago, Nads said:

onight i was driving home when I realized that something wasn't right with my car. I pulled aside only to discover that I had a flat tyre. My first thought was to call Stan. He was always the one to handle all our car issues. I felt so very sad. I am really no good at changing a tyre although I know the basics of it. I called my brother who was able to help me out. It made me realize how alone I am, how alone I feel. I'm lucky to have my family around but they all have their own lives. I hate to be an imposition. Is my life always going to be such a sad mess? I feel it might as I feel I have no purpose here. 

And I bet your brother didn't mind being called, he didn't consider it an imposition.  My family isn't around to help with stuff like that, but I could call someone from my church to help if the tire center was closed.  It IS hard not having our husbands to call, people don't realize until they're there.  Even facing this eye surgery, it'd be so much easier if my husband was here.  I'm lucky a friend has volunteered to stay with me a couple of days afterwards and another friend is taking me to/from the surgery.

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Nads---So sorry about what you have been dealing with. We lose our soulmates and are left alone to deal with a world that seems to be conspiring against us. The world isn't against us though, it just feels that way. Random occurrences feel more overwhelming. Like your flat tire. Our first thought is to call our husband and it kicks in that we can't. Panic mode---our brain is scrambling to figure out who else to call. I don't think your brother considered it an imposition. It probably made him feel good that he could do something proactive to help you. That is true support. You are blessed.  I can't imagine having someone I met in my home that takes their life a few days later. There are no words for that experience. I wonder how your cousin is coping with the loss of a friend in that manner?

Hang in there, Nads. Keep checking in. You have so much to deal with and yet, you keep carrying on. You are stronger than you realize. Stan is cheering you on.

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KayC, You are blessed to be able to have a friend take you to your surgery and another willing to stay with you for a couple days. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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Nads, I'm so sorry for the experiences of late you've been enduring, simply horrible. It's always so shocking and sad to hear of a suicide, especially someone you know, even casually or briefly. I told my daughter, years ago, as she entered those middle-high school years, to always try and choose your words carefully when speaking to others. We really have no idea what someone on any particular day may be going through. What you say could make a significant impact, for better or worse, on someone's life. BE KIND. When in doubt, be kind. You, at that moment, might be the only person who shows anything resembling kindness or respect to an individual. 

I think it's all a window into just how much misery, pain, loneliness, hopelessness and sorrow there is, seems like more and more everyday. 

And I'm sorry about you're uncle, it's nice that you've gone to see him, I know he must appreciate your kindness. It's the little things that we appreciate the most and miss the most when they're gone. 

KayC, I'm glad you have support for your impending eye surgery. I'd be glad to take you, but I'm afraid I wouldn't make back in time for work, because I imagine you're over 15-18 hours away. :-) 

The difference between a thought and an action is everything I believe. Thoughts are exercises in frustration, academic considerations, fantasy, formations of inspiration, and so on, but action is very different. It's the expression of our thoughts. It's normal after suffering loss or severe trauma (not including psychological disorders) to consider or "flirt" with the idea of taking our life, but to carry it out is NOT normal. People will go to extraordinary lengths to preserve their life, that's normal, so getting to a point where it feels ok to actually end ones life, that's very different. How many times do we think about knocking a coworker about the head with a sturdy piece of hickory? A few times I imagine, but we don't go through with it. Those thoughts of self destruction should be confronted at all times, and I'd suggest (implore!) to anyone that they seek professional guidance if those thoughts persist. It is not the answer. Anyway, I'll hop off my high horse. Don't mean to "preach", but I've seen the destruction left in the wake of suicides, and it can destroy a family and plant seeds of future issues for those left to deal with this tragedy. Our adopted daughter has suffered FOUR suicides, all in her biological family, the first her father when she was 8, the last was 1 month ago, her maternal grandfather. It's horrific. 

 

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