Andy

Want to share my experience.

461 posts in this topic

15 minutes ago, new133 said:

yeah.. how does one trust that spiritual connection? i have yet to experience anything convincing.. i'm really hoping.. waiting

New133,

I understand your doubt or questioning "why?" I suppose that's the faith part of belief, you just accept the idea of there being more than this "life". My daughter has the same issue, she's looking and waiting for some "sign", reassurance, proof of some sort. I told her to stop "looking", just be aware. I believe signs are all around us, maybe we aren't ready to see, maybe they aren't all meant for this person to see, but they're there for another person. I think, and I'm only speaking from MY personal experience and from my perspective, that I've seen what I've seen because there wasn't a question of faith to begin with. I have always been open to certain things, I believe in possibilities. I told my daughter to not expect a Hollywood type of experience. No mysterious messages in the bathroom mirror, no full body apparition declaring itself to be "mom", or even things that are obvious. 

I wish I could help you with this, not to convince you of anything, but to provide you with some sense of comfort and peace. I sincerely hope you find what you're waiting for, or maybe it'll find you. 

Comfort and peace,

Andy

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i've never had faith in anything. i'm just in the dark right now. as i've always been, but worse.
what have you seen?

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Today I took a long drive to where Stan's ashes was scattered. My brother went along with me. It was so sad but I felt I wanted to go there as today marked five months since his passing. I did manage to have some laughs with my brother though. He has been a great support through all this. Now I'm back home and I feel so lost and alone. I just miss him so much. I miss our life together. I miss everything. 

I'm exhausted from the drive so hopefully I get some rest. My prayers are with you all. God bless us. 

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new133,

I myself haven't received any significant signs but I keep hoping that one day I will. I dreamt him four times in five months since his passing. I would like to think that this was him reaching out to me but I still can't be sure. I know you said you've never had faith in anything. That's ok. I have faith that you will make it through even though every day will be a struggle. 

Peace and love to you. 

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On 1/27/2017 at 11:29 AM, Andy said:

I'm new here, never knew this site existed before yesterday. Not a "lurker", so I'm not exactly sure how or what I should say. I know I'm wanting to express my grief in a supportive atmosphere, communicate with others who belong to this terrible "club", this most bewildering of places. 

On December 31st, 2016, my wife of 24 years, 5 months, age 42, passed away unexpectedly. We have a 20 year old daughter and an adopted 23 year old daughter, but she's been largely absent from our lives for the last 8 years. I have my parents, and that's it basically as far as my family is concerned. What I feel, daily, is an indescribable sensation of utter sorrow, despair and complete loneliness. Nothing anyone here hasn't experienced, I'm sure, but knowing that doesn't lessen the pain. Seeing others go through and survive this is a comfort, and I take those "lessons" to heart. I miss her everyday, I still text her phone, I still question reality, "Is this real? Will she come back? Will I wake from this?" I know she's gone (her mortal form), I know she isn't coming back, but the truth is almost too much for me to accept. But I do. My daughter lost her mom, so her grief is every bit as accute as mine, but from a different perspective. One day, my daughter may get married, may have children, but all without her mom. As a dad, it crushes me that I can't "fix" that. I can't make that better. Everyday has presented new challenges, financial issues, emotional side effects, anxiety, worries where none existed before, and waves of despair that cover me in anguish and a flood of tears. This wasn't supposed to happen. We were supposed to grow old together, start being a "couple" again, post parent planning beginning to happen. I found out, in a very real way, that tomorrow is a lovely idea, a wish and a hope, but it doesn't exist. 

Thank you, I have more to say, and I hope I can help someone or someone can help me. Bless you all. 

 

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Mrsturner41,

I think the above quote is actually your words, not Andy's, maybe you typed inside the quote?  Not sure how it happened, but correct me if I'm wrong.
I'm sorry for your loss.  Your story sounds familiar, 20 year old daughter, 23 year old adopted daughter that's not in your life now...I've heard that before from someone else, maybe on my other forum, can't remember.  So you aren't alone, someone else has very similar circumstances.

You're not very far out, it's still somewhat of a shock, you're still in the trying to process this stage.  That took me about three years.  We're all different though so don't think it'll take you that long, maybe I'm just slow.  It's hard to absorb this.  My only advice is take one day at a time, try not to think about "the rest of your life", it's too much to take on.  Self care is super important.  It's good you're coming here, it's good to express yourself and know you are heard and understood.  We're all here for you.

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I'm trying to sort out my "quote" and reply function, something's gone wonky 

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

Mrsturner41,

I think the above quote is actually your words, not Andy's, maybe you typed inside the quote?  Not sure how it happened, but correct me if I'm wrong.
I'm sorry for your loss.  Your story sounds familiar, 20 year old daughter, 23 year old adopted daughter that's not in your life now...I've heard that before from someone else, maybe on my other forum, can't remember.  So you aren't alone, someone else has very similar circumstances.

You're not very far out, it's still somewhat of a shock, you're still in the trying to process this stage.  That took me about three years.  We're all different though so don't think it'll take you that long, maybe I'm just slow.  It's hard to absorb this.  My only advice is take one day at a time, try not to think about "the rest of your life", it's too much to take on.  Self care is super important.  It's good you're coming here, it's good to express yourself and know you are heard and understood.  We're all here for you.

That was my original post when I joined this forum. I'm not sure what Mrsturner41 was trying to quote, but that's my post. 

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Well I replied to YOUR quote as if it was hers then, sorry!

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14 hours ago, Nads said:

new133,

I myself haven't received any significant signs but I keep hoping that one day I will. I dreamt him four times in five months since his passing. I would like to think that this was him reaching out to me but I still can't be sure. I know you said you've never had faith in anything. That's ok. I have faith that you will make it through even though every day will be a struggle. 

Peace and love to you. 

Nads, I've had many many dreams of her some of which I don't really remember. Sometimes she's not even moving or responsive (kind of like before). Some are disturbing as hell (maybe it's just my subconscious or something). But a couple times she did talk but I'm not entirely sure what she said. Once I asked if she wanted to live or die and she said she wanted to live. Then I woke up and it ripped me apart because I'm not even sure what that means. I don't know if I felt guilty and should have tried harder to keep her alive (although she was suffering in old age) or if she wanted to 'live' as in reincarnate (or something). I have NO idea at all... I'm not religious/spiritual but I wish there was more to life, I see people writing about their 'strange' experiences and I wish it'd happen to me (or that I would SEE it for what it was) but no luck yet. I continue to hope though. But this is a very dark place, and I don't understand the purpose of suffering (not just me, everyone, everyone constantly suffers for no apparent reason).
I did mention other instances that could have been coincidences but I continue to wait for something that makes me go... this HAS to be a sign and nothing else (ie seeing her unique name)

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new133,

I hope you have something occur that encourages you...

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5 hours ago, KayC said:

Well I replied to YOUR quote as if it was hers then, sorry!

No worries KayC, I was confused when I first saw the post, thought I was missing something. My end has been acting strange the last 24 hours or so, I think I've got it working though. Figured it was just another "ghost in the machine".  Maybe she meant to address something in my post, but like myself, had some issues with her "quote" and ability to reply? 

Andy

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20 hours ago, new133 said:

i've never had faith in anything. i'm just in the dark right now. as i've always been, but worse.
what have you seen?

I'm sorry it's taken me a bit to reply, between work (Monday) and my issues with posting, I'm a little late in my response. 

I posted somewhere either in this thread or perhaps another, about a necklace that became somewhat of an obsession for my daughter and I. I'll be brief, but essentially during the time in the E.R., I had removed my wife's wedding rings and then later, when was taken to the O.R., the nursing staff brought me her necklace and earrings. The necklace was one I had just given to her for Christmas, just 5 days prior. The problem was, as we later found out, we couldn't locate the necklace she'd worn for about 2-3 years prior, on a nearly daily basis. Most photos show her wearing it. It's a simple, silver "open heart" pendant that is given her years before. But she like simple, not very flashy jewelry, so that was her go to necklace. Over the next 2 weeks or so, I turned my house upside down, my parents house, all the family vehicles, trash cans, trash bags, inside out. Daily, after work, I'd look for that necklace. Between my daughter and I, we went systematically through my wife's jewelry box no less than 8-10 times. Piece by piece, her necklaces, bracelets, rings and various other items were laid out, one drawer at a time, at least twice by me, twice by my daughter. Then together and more haphazardly. Nothing. One thing I had purposely avoided checking was our vacuum cleaner. It's a canister type, no bag. I held on to the idea that two realities could exist at the same time, as long as I didn't look, the necklace could be there, as well as not be there. I was afraid my wife had accidentally thrown it out with the wrapping paper Christmas morning, since I had given her a new necklace and she may have taken the old one off, laying it down where it was mixed in with the paper. The Thursday of the week I had returned to work was HORRIBLE, I lasted about a half a day at work and had to leave. I was at my lowest since the day she passed away. I came home, my daughter and I were experiencing some communication issues, I was sobbing, I was lost. I was alone at home, and I decided to check the vacuum. It was filthy and full and I, with my bare hands sifted through the entire mess, and I found nothing. It wasn't there. I was devastated, I was in my back yard, begging God to help me, begging my wife to help me, pleading for help. I got up, went inside and crawled into bed. My daughter came home a little later, she had bought me a rose and a hand written note of apology. As she drove up though, a FedEx truck pulled up at the same time. He had a charm I had ordered for my daughter, it was a small heart with my wife's thumb print engraved on one side. She was so happy, asked if I had a necklace for it. I told her I didn't, my are mostly cords. During all this, I'm still in bed, I'm crying, I can't get up, I'm at my emotional end. My daughter is on the bed, trying to comfort me. She asks if she can look and see if "momma" has a necklace that will work. I said "go ahead, you know what's in there". She looked, both sides, found nothing that would work. I told her I'd get her one later. After saying she loved me and was ready to leave, she said she was going to look one more time. As she crouched down and opened the jewelry box door, I heard her gasp. I could not raise my head from the pillow, I was thinking "it can't be, it can't be" over and over. I heard my daughter, in a whisper, say "thank you mommy". My sobbing was uncontrollable by now, I still refused to look up. My daughter said "daddy, look" and I did. And yes, there was the necklace. In her hand, wrapped in her fingers. She handed it to me, I felt a "wave" come over me, of relief to be sure, but also a sense of comfort and "knowing". I told my daughter it was hers, she said "no, mom brought it to you, I have this one, you need this"   I was speechless. The day, hour, I needed something, anything from my wife, God, to reassure me that things were ok, I got it. My daughter and I were flabbergasted that this necklace was there, in our face, in our hand apparently, this entire time? She asked me, "do you think we could miss it, or do you think mom put it there?" My answer was that I don't think it matters, it was "revealed" to us, at this most crucial moment. The timing was everything. It's all timing. I've had other episodes, none which I feel ready to discuss, but the common thread is the timing, the synchronicity involved. Is it possible we, after 8-10 searches missed it? In This relatively small jewelry box? Sure, I suppose. Just about anything can be "rationalized". But, again, faith carries me the extra distance when necessary, in this case however, I didn't have to suspend disbelief. I've had bad, really bad days since, I've been low, this past weekend a good example. But I have NOT felt like I did that day. I was shown, told, it was demonstrated to me, that my wife was okay. Even though I HATED this particular plan, it was all with part of something much, much grander than I. I don't like it, I want her back, everyday, but knowing that SHE'S ok makes this a tiny bit more bearable. It was a very personal experience, so I can only describe it to you as I perceived it, the way it made me feel, the impact it had on my daughter and I. I don't ask or expect anyone to believe or accept that it was a "sign" or message, I don't need anyone to. It was meant for me, but I don't mind sharing it. Maybe it'll bring comfort or maybe hope to someone hurting and in pain. That's all I can do. 

Andy

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Sorry, I just realized that my "brief" story became a little long in the telling. I apologize, I got caught up I suppose. 

Andy 

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Andy thank you very much for sharing your story. I am glad to hear that feeling of knowing that she's ok brings you peace.
That is certainly a weird situation. I don't think you could have missed it. But you and your daughter must have some relief?
I would love to have the same, I have some hope though, not much, but it is something, the hope is there..
 

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1 hour ago, new133 said:

Andy thank you very much for sharing your story. I am glad to hear that feeling of knowing that she's ok brings you peace.
That is certainly a weird situation. I don't think you could have missed it. But you and your daughter must have some relief?
I would love to have the same, I have some hope though, not much, but it is something, the hope is there..
 

Regardless if you have an experience or have an event that unfolds in odd ways, the important thing IS to keep hoping. I believe in possibilities, I've always been that way, and for me, possibilities are a direct link to hope. The loss that we have faced, it changes us. We now have a bitter knowledge, an insight to sorrow and grief that we wish we didn't. Maybe, in the days, weeks, years to come, you'll develop an understanding of reality that makes sense for you. I don't ask "why" anymore. Some consider faith as foolish, just a way to convince ourselves death isn't that frightening or that we can see our loved ones again. That's ok too. I don't think it's foolish, but that's me. 

New133, hang in there (sounds trite, I know...), you are alone, but not alone. I think of us in this dark valley together, but we are alone to deal with the deeply personal feelings of sorrow and grief. Only you can feel exactly what you feel, but we can indeed relate to emotions, the anger, the confusion and all the mundane stuff that now requires Herculean effort to accomplish. Don't lose hope, even if it's the only thing you have, do not let it go. I was hopeful up to minute the Dr informed me of my wife's fate. Even now, I still hope. I hope I'm good enough to be what I need to be for my little girl, I hope I set a good example for her, I hope that one day, somehow, I'll actually be genuinely happy again. Not sure how that'll work, but I'm hoping. 

Love and hugs new133,

Andy

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It's 9:40 and cannot stop crying again. God, I'm hitting a low place again. I don't know why now, I don't understand this, the last 4 days have been so very hard. I know it's another low point, but it's taking a toll on me. I thought I was ok. I did have to mail off two more death certificates today, so that didn't help. I miss her so much, it seems like it's getting worse. Or I'm just tired and beat. I want her back, I want to hold her hand, smell her hair, hear her, I want my Tracie to come home. 

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Andy,

I'm so sorry.  I don't have anything to help right now, but I am here, listening, and hoping you find some peace.  One moment at a time my friend,

Herc

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Andy, we're all here listening and relating. Just go with the flow. Feel the pain and cry as long as you have to. I think today I'm doing a little bit of stuffing my feelings . I don't want to do that, I know it's not healthy. I know I need to keep feeling the feelings, no matter how painful. But sometimes I can't face them. Missing them hurts so much. It is unbearable at times, but it will change and hopefully not be so gut wrenching. We will all learn to live a good life without them and we will learn how to live while missing them. Good night and good sleep to us all. 

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Herc, HHFaith, thank you both. I'm having a hard time, the magnitude of her absence has been weighing on me with a stronger than usual pain. As time goes by, the distance of time relative to her passing is making things so difficult. I'm "stuck" on December 31st, but time keeps moving. I don't want to move, I want to go back. I know it can't be that way, but my heart doesn't understand that. 

You guys and ladies are all so kind, your words help so, so very much. It's a blessing to have somewhere to express all this sorrow and to receive empathy in return. Bless you all.

Andy

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Hi Andy,in these forums everybody understands how you feel.These terrible waves of sadness that come from nowhere.One moment you feel okish and then suddenly something hits you and you burst into uncontrollable crying.It is a wave that will pass.I try to look at it like that; it is a wave.It WILL pass.

You are in pain.We are all in pain and sharing the pain makes it that slightly bit more bearable.

This grieving 'club' binds us.We don't know each other but we share the same loss and that makes us close.The loss of the one we loved and still love most in the world is the loss we have in common.We will get through this, no doubt.We have no choice.

Lets all keep posting.Lets all keep helping and supporting each other.

Tineke

 

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1 hour ago, Tineke Tjepkema said:

Hi Andy,in these forums everybody understands how you feel.These terrible waves of sadness that come from nowhere.One moment you feel okish and then suddenly something hits you and you burst into uncontrollable crying.It is a wave that will pass.I try to look at it like that; it is a wave.It WILL pass.

You are in pain.We are all in pain and sharing the pain makes it that slightly bit more bearable.

This grieving 'club' binds us.We don't know each other but we share the same loss and that makes us close.The loss of the one we loved and still love most in the world is the loss we have in common.We will get through this, no doubt.We have no choice.

Lets all keep posting.Lets all keep helping and supporting each other.

Tineke

 

You're absolutely correct. These "waves" of grief will pass, they will return. Perhaps with each episode I will learn better how to confront them. It's been rather bleak lately. Missing her has become so pronounced, it's so difficult, having this sorrow that nothing can "fix". 

Posting here has been a comfort that I can't really find anywhere else. My family is fantastic, but only we, the widows and widowers, or anyone who's lost their beloved, truly understand what this has done to us. 

Peace and love to you, and all my fellow travelers,

Andy

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I am sorry that it's so pronounced.
I suppose we can only share our experiences and try to find comfort in that. It will take a lot of time I think.
hugs

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A great deal of time. I don't believe this will be "better", I think it will evolve though. Or maybe I will? Either way, learning to cope with this, figuring out how to best move forward, will be a tremendous undertaking. Any life altering experiences, good or bad, are presumably shared with our life partners, but in our case, we set out alone. Time is no friend of mine, it will try to rob my memories, create distance with the ticking of the clock, erode my emotional connections. I'll fight that, it won't take that away too. Time though, will allow me to better understand my new reality, so I guess I'll have to cooperate on that level. So much misery, so much so that I find it amazing that we can feel this much pain, hour after hour, and still function at all. Incredible. 

To a better tomorrow, or at least a more bearable one.

Andy  

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Andy-----Our losses are so painful, so etched into our minds and hearts, so permanent. Our physical bodies, our minds, are so fragile, vulnerable , it's a wonder anyone survives.

Time, a lot of time, also our own efforts at working to put our loss into an acceptable perceptive that we can live with.

I know what you are going through. We all do. For me, the waves of grief came more often when the shock and denial were wearing down. The permanence of loss seeping into my consciousness. I didn't want that. I didn't want it to be true, to be real. My heart kept fighting it. My mind was fighting back. It is like watching a war movie and when the battle is over, you are left with the carnage .Where to begin patching what's broken and cannot be replaced?

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