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Want to share my experience.


Andy

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Andy - I always appreciate your posts. I do not comment often because there is never much I could add to your expressing exactly what I was experiencing. 

Over the course of my career, and especially during the last several months, I have probably read almost every book on grief and recovery that has been written. The consensus tends to reflect your friend's view, although conflicts do arise as to where pictures go, etc..., especially if both parties have not lost a spouse.

One widow that remarried expressed it very well, as "I did not stop having children after my first. There is much capacity in my heart for love." 

As you, I do not see that as being remotely possible for me. My wife would frequently tell me "I want you to be happy. I want you to remarry, you need to remarry. Just be sure to marry someone really, really good who appreciates our stuff." Every time she told me that, I would sob, and I had not cried for at least 50 years.

My wife was a very successful, generous woman. This weekend, I am at a plantation she bought for us. Out the window, I am looking at a mile of frontage on a river that flows to the Atlantic. The nearest paved road, and other human, is a mile away. Usually, I try to have guests or family, but had to come to meet with several contractors, and traffic issues prohibited travel for many, so I am by myself this weekend.  It is one of the most beautiful places on earth, and yet the loneliness is palpable.

Her point was that she wanted me to stay here and enjoy it, and not be lonely, but to marry someone "really, really good who appreciates our stuff." I absolutely cannot do that, but she would be furious if I changed my lifestyle and moved to some over 55 community, or stayed in town all week, just for activities, instead of remarrying,

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Thank you all for your positive thoughts.  Surgery went okay, not well, as they got the top part but not the bottom part because there's scar tissue embedded in the eyeball.  He got what he could and I cross my fingers it won't grow back because it can.  Sent it off to the lab but he thinks it's benign.  My eye isn't feeling great and the other one is strained from doing all the work, taking it easy on the computer for a while.  Dr said it'd take two weeks to heal, I go back this coming Friday for him to check it.  I'm glad it's over with!

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Andy, I can't imagine that either. Part of me does want to be in a relationship again, someday. I miss having someone to share my life with. Pat showed me that I do have the capacity to truly love. Maybe someday I will allow someone else into my heart. Though a very big part of my heart went with Pat when he died. Nobody will ever fill that space but I don't want to close my heart. It took so long to finally open it up and let someone in. I know its a long way off but I do have hope....someday. 

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58 minutes ago, KayC said:

Thank you all for your positive thoughts.  Surgery went okay, not well, as they got the top part but not the bottom part because there's scar tissue embedded in the eyeball.  He got what he could and I cross my fingers it won't grow back because it can.  Sent it off to the lab but he thinks it's benign.  My eye isn't feeling great and the other one is strained from doing all the work, taking it easy on the computer for a while.  Dr said it'd take two weeks to heal, I go back this coming Friday for him to check it.  I'm glad it's over with!

KayC, I'm glad it's over for you too, and now you can rest! I hope it doesn't cause you any further problems and it "resolves" itself. I'm glad you're ok though, been thinking about you. 

Get some rest and a great big hug from me,

Andy

 

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AceBasin, I really get what you're saying. My wife, due to a laundry list of health issues, would occasionally say "if I die, I want you to find someone else". Of course I hated that kind of talk, I'd quickly say something like "well, if I die, you better not remarry, I'll haunt you if you do!" I honestly didn't give it any thought, but she tended to be more serious about it. I know how she felt, I know how important it was for the people she loved to be happy, but, I'm not in a place where that's possible to consider. I love my wife dearly, I never considered a life without her, so where does that leave me? Being alone isn't "wrong", it's perfectly acceptable for many. The loneliness though, that's a different story. I don't think anyone would choose to feel true loneliness on a daily basis, so I hope that fades with time. 

And please comment or add to anything if you feel the need, I know very little, and I appreciate you find use or meaning in what I say, but I really value the thoughts of everyone here, I know the effort it takes to sometimes talk about these things. 

Andy

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1 hour ago, HHFaith said:

Andy, I can't imagine that either. Part of me does want to be in a relationship again, someday. I miss having someone to share my life with. Pat showed me that I do have the capacity to truly love. Maybe someday I will allow someone else into my heart. Though a very big part of my heart went with Pat when he died. Nobody will ever fill that space but I don't want to close my heart. It took so long to finally open it up and let someone in. I know its a long way off but I do have hope....someday. 

HHFaith, what a dilemma. We truly, honestly and unconditionally love our beloveds, their absence have changed us forever. We also understand that being truly alone for the remainder of our lives is a very bleak picture. Loneliness is a terrible feeling, and can often turn into depression and a multitude of health issues, including a shortened life, not a "bright" future to say the least. So what do we do? How will our families react? Our children? Us? It's all so overwhelming to think about. My daughter worries about this and as a matter of fact, told me tonight that she wonders if I remarry, who will I "be with" in heaven? It made me so sad, my soon to be 21 year old daughter is worrying about these kind of things. I didn't know what to say other than "Stop thinking about that. That's not a thing I can even imagine". It's true, but there is a part that asks similar questions.

And I wonder, am I bad? Am I supposed to be alone? I'm perfectly ok with that, but being lonely is horrible. Finding another person just to not feel lonely isn't right, for either party. It's interesting your friends comment about having more than one child. I see the analogy, but it is different. Love of child and love of spouse are different, involve different emotions and dynamics. Nothing is clear or easy about any of this. Also, like you, my wife stole my heart, so a part will belong to her forever, maybe too much for me to ever feel that way again. I'll live with that too if need be, I enjoyed a great marriage. 

Peace and comfort to you,

Andy 

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HHFaith,

If you want to be in a relationship again, it IS important to keep your heart open.  Let yourself grieve for now and who knows what the future may hold for you!  We were just talking on the forum about taking a day at a time and this scripture came to mind: " Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

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42 minutes ago, KayC said:

HHFaith,

If you want to be in a relationship again, it IS important to keep your heart open.  Let yourself grieve for now and who knows what the future may hold for you!  We were just talking on the forum about taking a day at a time and this scripture came to mind: " Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

That's a spot on verse. Crossing the bridges when we get there, I like that. Thank you for sharing that. 

Andy

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Tomorrow is my little girls birthday. My wife's passing is magnified so much right now. I've been crying most of this evening. My poor daughter, how will she manage this? How will I? While my daughter was attending class this evening, I hung some pictures up along with a shadow box with dried flowers from the funeral, a necklace/pendant with a mother and child in it, and a small song bird. It was so hard putting those pictures together, creating her little display, it was like a dream almost. Real, but so unreal. I'm putting up pictures of my beloved who's no longer here, for our daughters birthday. It. Can't. Be. Real. 

I'm so utterly saddened now, my daughter will more than likely have more years in front of her than she did with her mom. 20 years. I want to make my baby girl better, take her pain away, but I'm helpless. I hate it, no mom for her, no grandmother for her children, no mom to plan a wedding, no mom to confide in or seek advise from. Never in my life have I wanted to help my little girl more than I do now, but I can do nothing. I want my wife to come home so much, I need her to take care of us, to tell me "it's okay". 

My soul feels beaten and weak. 

Andy 

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Andy, you are helping your little girl by being there for her and for being the good dad you are. You are both lucky to have each other. Just as I am blessed to have my "little girl". 

Rest well tonight. 

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45 minutes ago, Andy said:

I want my wife to come home so much, I need her to take care of us, to tell me "it's okay". 

You are a great and loving Dad.  As always, you express excellently how many of us feel. 

I spent four years of graduate study in Christian theology and I tried think of something to say that would help you feel better. I could not. 

One verse that comes to mind is "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."  I just wish that "will be" were not such a long time. 

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5 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Andy, you are helping your little girl by being there for her and for being the good dad you are. You are both lucky to have each other. Just as I am blessed to have my "little girl". 

Rest well tonight. 

Thank you, I am blessed to have her, and as you well know, our children provide so much comfort and reassurance. Gives me a immediate need to stay focused and to even get out of bed. 

Thank you for the kind words, love and hugs to you,

Andy

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4 hours ago, AceBasin said:

 

You are a great and loving Dad.  As always, you express excellently how many of us feel. 

I spent four years of graduate study in Christian theology and I tried think of something to say that would help you feel better. I could not. 

One verse that comes to mind is "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."  I just wish that "will be" were not such a long time. 

AceBasin, your words and the kindness you express with those words, are very helpful. I find that verse so meaningful. For me it implies that those who have this grief, this great loss, will be comforted by the very thing we mourn. Finding acceptance and appreciating life offers its own peace. I have times when I feel that calm sadness, knowing things will never be the same, but accepting this new paradigm. Still though, most of the time, I'm filed with loss and pain. I'm trying to be patient as I wait till the former overcomes the latter. 

Thank you, you're so kind and thoughtful, peace and comfort,

Andy

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Andy,   Your daughter is blessed to have you for her loving dad. Besides your own father role, you have been standing in your wife's role as mom quite admirably. Your wife is proud of you! Your daughter's birthday will be special because of your loving efforts and the loving spirit of her mom.

Prayers of continued blessings to you and Happy Birthday to your daughter!

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11 hours ago, Andy said:

Tomorrow is my little girls birthday. My wife's passing is magnified so much right now. I've been crying most of this evening. My poor daughter, how will she manage this? How will I? While my daughter was attending class this evening, I hung some pictures up along with a shadow box with dried flowers from the funeral, a necklace/pendant with a mother and child in it, and a small song bird. It was so hard putting those pictures together, creating her little display, it was like a dream almost. Real, but so unreal. I'm putting up pictures of my beloved who's no longer here, for our daughters birthday. It. Can't. Be. Real. 

I'm so utterly saddened now, my daughter will more than likely have more years in front of her than she did with her mom. 20 years. I want to make my baby girl better, take her pain away, but I'm helpless. I hate it, no mom for her, no grandmother for her children, no mom to plan a wedding, no mom to confide in or seek advise from. Never in my life have I wanted to help my little girl more than I do now, but I can do nothing. I want my wife to come home so much, I need her to take care of us, to tell me "it's okay". 

My soul feels beaten and weak. 

Andy 

I wish you could print this out and save it for her so she can read it when she's older.  What a precious gift, your love for your daughter.  You are a good dad and I hope she has a good birthday today.  I know it's not the same as having her mom here.  I know you feel beaten and weak, I understand that.  But you are an amazing dad, her mom would be so proud of you.

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Thank you KayC, that means so much. It's what I desire more than anything, that how I conduct myself and continue being dad meets with my wife's approval. I'm trying so hard to keep it all together, I fall short I'm afraid, but too much is at stake for me to ever quit. Her mom/my wife not being here is so "heavy", sadness kind of permeates everything. Thank you, you're so very sweet and kind, you've made me feel better today. 

Love and hugs, 

Andy

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8 hours ago, KMB said:

Andy,   Your daughter is blessed to have you for her loving dad. Besides your own father role, you have been standing in your wife's role as mom quite admirably. Your wife is proud of you! Your daughter's birthday will be special because of your loving efforts and the loving spirit of her mom.

Prayers of continued blessings to you and Happy Birthday to your daughter!

KMB, thank you so much for saying so, my role as "dad" is primary, second to none. Today has been relatively low key, we both worked, she did some of her elementary school assistant work this morning. I took this past Monday and Friday off to be with her. And thank you for suggesting my wife is proud of me, that's means a great deal. I think of that constantly, is this the right thing? Am I making the right decision? Ultimately I'm trying to make decisions while considering what my wife think. I think, especially as far as our daughter is concerned, that should be the case. Her entire life she's had her moms input, no need for that to stop now. I "talk" to my wife, running conversations, if you will. I'm not crazy, I know her so well though, I usually knew what she'd say before I'd even ask, so it's a combination of things I guess. 

This morning and last evening was very tough on me. I could not wrap my head around the idea that she wouldn't be here on our daughters birthday. I'm still very emotional about it. It's affecting me stronger than I anticipated, though I should've known better. I kept thinking of all the years, the birthday parties, the special gifts, the trips we made around her birthday, how my wife would get so excited. Now I'm alone, and it's depressing just thinking of all the milestones my daughter will experience without her mom. And I hate how time will try and rob us of our memories. I sobbed buckets coming home from work today just thinking that my daughter will more than likely have more years without her mom than she did with her. It breaks me down thinking of that, and how as the years roll by, she may forget her voice, maybe a certain smile or some unique expression. It really isn't fair that this has been taken from her. I also can't stop thinking about my wife, and how she'll miss all of those things she looked forward to. Grandchildren, big family vacations, helping with a wedding, these are things my wife anticipated, things she looked forward to. I'm so afraid I'm going to fall woefully short. I'm not mom. I'll never be mom. No one will. How will she cope? I'm just not ready for this, I'm so tired and miserable. I don't know how to do any of this. I miss her so much.

Thank you KMB, love and a big hug,

Andy

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Following my previous post, I want to share or clarify my fears. My wife was mom. She was a confidant, she nagged, she made everything all better, she pried, she asked about the "boys", she understood the "female" problems, she inspired through example, she was always willing to do whatever my daughter needed, helped her with everything including school, her athletics, college, "smoothing" things over with grumpy ole dad, generally being as self sacrificing and devoted as anyone could hope for. Now, that's gone. I can be many things, and I will try, God help me, I will try, but I can never be mom. My heart is shattered just thinking of our little girl living the rest of her life without her mommy. It tears at me, hits me. I'm so afraid that I'm not going to be able to make up even a tiny bit of what's been lost. I'm doing all I can to just be "dad".   I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel this way, but this is all new to me, these feelings of being so afraid and helpless. Afraid I'm going to let my daughter down, afraid she'll think, "if mom were here, this wouldn't be a problem", because I've messed things up. It weighs on me rather horribly. My mom has been the greatest blessing, and she does an admirable job in being there, along with my dad, but being in their mid to late 70's, I fear that also. Once they're gone, with the exception of my little girl, I will be entirely alone. No siblings, most of both sides of the family passed on, one or two good friends, and thats it. 

Its also such a sad state that it's on the special occasions that you like to reminisce about days gone by, personal things that are only meaningful for you two, or just your family. I've lost that too. Who do I talk to about our anniversary weekends? Our younger days? Songs or movies that have a special meaning to only us two? The birth of our baby, our first home? I've lost the only other person who knew what I knew of those things. The only person who'll ever care about those things. I'm alone with my memories. Lifted by them, haunted by them. 

Its our daughters birthday. 4/4/96. What a wonderful and heartbreaking day. 

Love you all,

Andy

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Andy, You and your daughter are handling your loss as well as can be expected. Even probably better than others who find themselves parenting alone by loss. Your daughter was blessed to have loving supportive parents in her start in life. That solid foundation is always going to be there. You and your daughter are building onto that foundation. Your wife, your daughter's mom, her loving spirit will always be the cement in that foundation. When you listen to your intuition, it will be your wife's words guiding you.

You are doing a great job, Andy. Your daughter is going to keep within herself everything she was taught by you and her mom. She will pass all that down to her own children someday. In the future, when you are enjoying your grandchildren, you will reap the benefits of what you and your wife passed down. That is a great legacy.The meaning of life, to love and be loved.

Your last paragraph from above is touching and heartrending. Our soulmates are no longer here to share with, to reminisce with. Maybe you could write that story and leave it with your daughter as a keepsake to hold onto for when it is your turn to reunite with your wife.

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KMB, those are kind and considerate words, thank you so much. I'm trying so hard to do what's right. I'm exhausting myself with anxiety just thinking about how I'm going to do this. I think of any potential grandchildren and what that will be like? My wife adored children, especially infants. She was looking forward to spoiling a grandchild, to being a grandmother one day. My wife and my daughter were cheated. 

I think your idea about writing down "our" story is brilliant and lovely. I think I'll start that, soon, I'll begin with our very first meeting. Thank you KMB, your suggestion is spot on.

I hear a song and it makes me think of dates we had, certain movies have, to us, special meanings, even spotting models of cars that we used to have, they are all connected to our memories. No one cares that our wedding song was "Tomorrow"

Once again, thank you KMB, love and hugs,

Andy 

Also, If my "intuition" tells me I need to do the dishes, then yes, that's my wife. God bless her. And you

Andy

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I just saw your post about sleep on another thread and thought I'd mention a few things. Ask your doctor about Sonata. It is quick acting not that long lasting and leaves you with no hangover. If you wake up early, take another.. Ativan can be helpful for sleep and anxiety relief. You may also want to ask about low dose doxepin which is a low cost alternative to Silenor.

It is a matter of trial and error, and alternating (don't take combinations without your doctor's approval) after a few weeks so you don't get too used to one, and learn what works best for you.

Of course, your doctor knows best, but these are widely accepted. I have found them all to very helpful.

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15 hours ago, Andy said:

I've lost the only other person who knew what I knew of those things. The only person who'll ever care about those things. I'm alone with my memories. Lifted by them, haunted by them. 

It's true, we've lost that person we had shared history with.  We are alone with our thoughts now and we have to think they still share those memories with us, they just can't audibly say anything, but I do believe they still exist in spirit form.

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9 minutes ago, KayC said:

It's true, we've lost that person we had shared history with.  We are alone with our thoughts now and we have to think they still share those memories with us, they just can't audibly say anything, but I do believe they still exist in spirit form.

Absolutely, my belief system, my faith, leaves no room for doubt about the "other side". How it all works, the nature of reality, eternity, I don't understand the whys, but that's ok. When I pray or just talk to God, I beg his favor to keep my wife close and at peace, and when I speak to my wife, it's with the knowledge that she is listening, perhaps with amusement over my worries. Can I prove or otherwise back up my beliefs? No. I don't think it's possible. Faith is a personal journey, one has to have their own revelation of truth, I don't think anyone should just take somebody's word on something so important. We can be guided, we can seek answers or insight from holy men, but ultimately real meaning, down to the core, feel it in your bones belief, that comes from a personal and sacred journey. My faith brings me comfort and reassurance on one hand, but the grief I'm left with, all this pain, well, I still have that to contend with. 

Losing the one person to whom those stories meant anything to, wow, it's another layer of loss. I never considered it until my daughters birthday, it hit me so hard. It was discovering yet something else I'd lost. My wife, best friend, mother of our child, my confidant, my refuge, my future, and now the joy of reminiscing those intimate and personal "inside" stories, is gone. To anyone else, they're just a story, an interesting paragraph in someone else's book. Nothing more. But for me, it's my LIFE, it's what helped me be who I am, it's the foundation of my future, and that connection of shared experience has been altered. Like everything else in this dreary valley, it's just something else I'll have to contend with, yet another piece of my being to suffer. No aspect of who we are seems to escape damage of some sort. Scars everywhere. 

Thank you KayC, as usual you are kind and sweet, full of wise perspectives. Love,

Andy

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9 hours ago, AceBasin said:

I just saw your post about sleep on another thread and thought I'd mention a few things. Ask your doctor about Sonata. It is quick acting not that long lasting and leaves you with no hangover. If you wake up early, take another.. Ativan can be helpful for sleep and anxiety relief. You may also want to ask about low dose doxepin which is a low cost alternative to Silenor.

It is a matter of trial and error, and alternating (don't take combinations without your doctor's approval) after a few weeks so you don't get too used to one, and learn what works best for you.

Of course, your doctor knows best, but these are widely accepted. I have found them all to very helpful.

Thank you, I've been taking otc non medicated sleep aids for awhile, and while they tend to work under "normal" conditions, ever since my wife's passing, things are far from normal. I had been prescribed Ambien and while effective, the side effects were far to disruptive. Memory loss, inhibition, completely out of character behavior, I put a stop to that one. If things don't get better soon, I'll be forced to seek help. I can't keep this up. I understand all to well the cost of poor sleep habits. And the Ambien was about three years ago, I would never try anything like that now, being alone, no telling where I'd end up. Having my daughter bail me out of jail because I was chasing monkeys while climbing a telephone pole isn't what I really need right now. 

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22 hours ago, Andy said:

Losing the one person to whom those stories meant anything to, wow, it's another layer of loss.

It's true, with our loss comes many other losses.  Loss of the person you confided in.  Loss of the person that held you.  Loss of sexual intimacy.  Loss of the person that helped you arrive at decisions.  Loss of the person that looked at you appreciatively.  Loss of the one person in the world that made you priority and truly cared about you more than anything/anyone else.  Loss of social network and activity.  Loss of shared activities like camping and going for drives.  Loss of companionship like watching t.v. while you cuddle and enjoy a good meal.  Loss of the person that would come to your rescue if the car broke down. Loss of the other breadwinner.  Loss of the person that did 1/2 the chores.  Loss of the person that would watch the dog if you had to go away overnight.  Loss of the person that shared memories raising kids together.  Some people even lose the family they married into when their spouse dies.  The list goes on and on.

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KayC---Your post is so true. Besides the loss of our soulmate, we lose that whole life that encompassed that person.

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9 hours ago, KayC said:

It's true, with our loss comes many other losses.  Loss of the person you confided in.  Loss of the person that held you.  Loss of sexual intimacy.  Loss of the person that helped you arrive at decisions.  Loss of the person that looked at you appreciatively.  Loss of the one person in the world that made you priority and truly cared about you more than anything/anyone else.  Loss of social network and activity.  Loss of shared activities like camping and going for drives.  Loss of companionship like watching t.v. while you cuddle and enjoy a good meal.  Loss of the person that would come to your rescue if the car broke down. Loss of the other breadwinner.  Loss of the person that did 1/2 the chores.  Loss of the person that would watch the dog if you had to go away overnight.  Loss of the person that shared memories raising kids together.  Some people even lose the family they married into when their spouse dies.  The list goes on and on.

That's why I find it so flippant and extraordinary when people say "it's ok to move, you'll find someone else". All those things you listed, all the time, energy, love and a life built, it can't be replicated. Beside the fact that "hey, my wife just passed, I don't WANT anyone else"

I'm willing to bet that 6 months from now, 2 years from now, I'll find yet something else I've lost. 

 

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My daughter and I had our somewhat regularly scheduled "movie night" here at home. Saturday if time, work, her plans allow, is our night for watching a movie, usually horror (she likes them), but tonight was different. The weekend my wife passed, we were to see Star Wars Rogue One. Of course, it never happened, but it was released on bluray this week, and that's what we watched tonight. It was strange, watching something that was planned with my wife, knowing it was supposed to be us. I love film, but my wife wasn't comfortable going out to the theater that often, so we didn't go. I was perfectly ok with that, never cared. I actually live about a half mile from a state of the art theater, something I'd live in if I could. The last movie we saw at a theater was Star Wars The Force Awakens (notice a trend?), she went because she knew how important it was too me. Opening weekend mind you, full of fellow geeks and my wife happily letting  me indulge my inner dork. That was December 2015. So, anyway, we finished the movie tonight, and after my daughter went to bed, I just sat and cried. I don't know why, not really. Maybe the movie that we were supposed to watch, maybe having movie night without my wife (who would always fall asleep 20 minutes in), maybe feeling good to be with my daughter, but missing my wife? All combined? I don't know, but I do miss her so much. My heart breaks so often that it's astonishing it still has the strength to beat. I've stopped crying. I wanted to put down what I was experiencing, I wanted to "see" what this was. I guess it's just how I'm going to be. Happy one minute, crying the next. I'm just so sad and lonely without her, nothing's right anymore. 

Andy

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I do not know how to explain the crying. I doubt I had cried since I was eight years old and can now cry when I pass my wife's favorite items at the grocery stores and sometimes for no reason. It was tough finding left overs of a dish she had cooked in the refrigerator.

And I have had several life threatening events [medical and professional] that barely sped my heart rate.

the loneliness is miserable.

one of the many books I have downloaded was The Tender Scar by a doctor whose wife died and he wrote about the loneliness and crying and stages he went through until he married his former secretary. It is simplistic but worth reading.

I did volunteer work in a small town today where I often had prior to my wife's death. It really was helpful and lifted my spirit.

I had more sincere lunch and dinner invitations there than I have received to date in a city almost 2000 times larger.

it is tough but is getting less acute but unpredictable.

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Crying.....I feel like I will never stop.  I have cried every day since January 1.  Wiil I cry every day for the rest of my life?

Im already anticipating a rough day. I plan to bring the Christmas tree to the dump. It's been sitting out on the patio all winter. Pat picked it out. This was only our 2nd christmas together but we didn't really celebrate the first one because my mother had a stroke and his father died right before that christmas. So this was the first one where we got the tree, etc.  Little did I know he would die a week later. 

Its weird, all winter seeing that tree out on my patio gave me a little sense of comfort because it reminded me of him so much and I could remember the good time we had picking it out. Now it's just another thing I have to say goodbye to. Another Pat thing...gone. 

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8 hours ago, Andy said:

I just sat and cried. I don't know why, not really. Maybe the movie that we were supposed to watch, maybe having movie night without my wife (who would always fall asleep 20 minutes in), maybe feeling good to be with my daughter, but missing my wife? All combined?

Andy, I'd say all of the above.  It's very bittersweet, especially when we feel it should be them with us enjoying what we're doing.  That's how I felt when I put up the new hummingbird feeder and my first hummingbird of the season came...George would have loved it.

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

Andy, I'd say all of the above.  It's very bittersweet, especially when we feel it should be them with us enjoying what we're doing.  That's how I felt when I put up the new hummingbird feeder and my first hummingbird of the season came...George would have loved it.

I think you're right. Bittersweet reminders of the life we once enjoyed. While my Tracie wasn't necessarily a fan of all the things I liked, she was always enthusiastic if it made me happy. Her way of supporting my interests, feeling like her illnesses prevented us from doing "normal" things, she encouraged me to indulge my hobbies. She was a wonderful person, suffering so much yet only concerned about the happiness of those she loved, even as she lay dying in the hospital, thinking only of her daughter. I've gutted my garage in an effort to reorganize as my wife had always wanted me to do, this is my second weekend in a row working on it. I think of her the entire time, and I'll ask if she likes it or if I should move things around differently. I'm not sure why I'm doing it, I'm trying to create something I'll anticipate, something that I can accomplish. I'm trying to care. I really am. I'd give all to have her just tell me it "looks good" or she's happy with what I'm doing. It's so difficult without her. I'm still trying though. 

I'm sure George is enjoying the hummingbirds and your willingness to still enjoy them. Tracie loved hummingbirds, so maybe she and George are enjoying your birds together, maybe they have their own "club" up there? Ours is one of misery, theirs a club of wonderous anticipation and peaceful bliss. I think I'll go with that. 

Love and hugs KayC,

Andy

 

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Good luck on your project! That is a good sign, that you are showing interest in doing something.

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9 hours ago, KayC said:

Good luck on your project! That is a good sign, that you are showing interest in doing something.

Thank you. It's sort of a perpetual motion thing I guess. I really am afraid if allowed myself, it would be very easy to just do nothing. I actually made a list of projects that need to be done. Pressure washing, cutting down a few diseased/dead trees, some repairs, a few inside things, planting some flowers (my wife loved that) just to give myself tangible goals with visible and immediate results. I think it does help, it gives me a measured amount of control in my life, something I desperately lack now. Or at least it feels that way. 

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Today was ok, to a point. A "new" realization has started taking hold of my mind. I'm now experiencing the "distance" of time, how not only do I grieve her, I'm starting to miss her on a very different level. It's the ever increasing distance of time and space thats pushing me away from those last days. The last time I heard her voice or held her hand. Her expressions, her standing by me, the way she walked or smiled at me. It's all of the miserable things we experience now combined with this "physical" loss of her presence. Time is trying to steal my memories, I can't let that happen. I won't. It's just so painful. I'm so alone without her, I'm trying so hard to find a way to be happy. Or "not as miserable", that's a more accurate goal, happiness is much to improbable at this point.

Bless you all,

Andy

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Andy, I can relate to the *distance* that you are feeling. It feels like my husband has been gone for a very long time, even though it will be 8 months in a few days. It feels like years. But, the triggers bring it all back to yesterday. I've never lost a soulmate before. I have nothing to compare this to. Is this how grieving evolves, where the passage of time makes you feel that distance and huge disconnection?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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11 minutes ago, KMB said:

Andy, I can relate to the *distance* that you are feeling. It feels like my husband has been gone for a very long time, even though it will be 8 months in a few days. It feels like years. But, the triggers bring it all back to yesterday. I've never lost a soulmate before. I have nothing to compare this to. Is this how grieving evolves, where the passage of time makes you feel that distance and huge disconnection?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KMB, I really am starting to believe that we are more than "just" saddened or heartbroken, perhaps changed in some way, but still our old selves. Not true at all, everything about us changes. How we view mortality, how we no longer anticipate things, true happiness is a fond memory, losing a fundamental reason for living, nothing will be the same. 

Like you, like most of us, I have no context from which to make comparisons, is this normal? Is this abnormal? Because I don't cry today but I'll sob all day tomorrow, does that make something wrong with me? Either grieving evolves or it causes us to regress. We became "less" of who we once were, we are a far cry from that life affirming existence we once enjoyed. We probably didn't appreciate it as sharply as we do now, that's human nature, but by golly, we sure appreciate it now. Every breath, every touch, every minuscule word, we see the value in those simple things clearer than most. Time does indeed try and take our memories, dull the sensation of our affection, tries to make us forget. Now, it's taking me further and further away from our last days together, and it's so d@mn cruel, an uncaring world bound and determined to rob us of everything. It won't win, I won't forget, I will always love my wife, the mother of my baby girl, up until I draw my last breath, but then, I'll awake and everything will be right again. I'll be with my beloved, this time, forever. 

I love you Tracie, forever and always, 

Andy

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Andy, Your post is heart felt. I mentioned the regressing in another post. It is how I feel. I am changed. I am no longer the person I once was and it makes feel even sadder because that person was the one my husband fell in love with .Greeting each day with anticipation, happiness, is in the past. Accomplishing anything with a true sense of purpose is of the past.  Going to bed at night with your soulmate beside you, feeling love and contentment, is of the past. Everything about us is in the past. The future looks lonely and bleak right now. I can never find the right words to describe thoughts and feelings. I cannot imagine the future being one iota better than what I had. We just have to try and do our best in going forward and see where it leads us.

I sincerely wish you an easier day.

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KMB,

Your husband would love you as you are now as well and would understand the change.  We are all changed by this experience as it's ongoing.  Time seems to warp for us, it seems forever ago that I lost my husband yet I remember every detail about him and our life together...

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Thank you KMB, today is no better, no worse. Trying to figure out direction, a focus. I think back on the years invested in my marriage, the time and commitment. The different stages of life, remaining devoted and true throughout our time together, never leaving the others side. And now, whatever chapters we had left have been left blank. No riding off into the sunset together. I'm alone. And it hurts so much, the emptiness of existence now. I'm holding on and trying, I need a break. It's all so draining.

Love and comfort,

Andy

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KayC, Thank you. Logically, I know my husband would understand how his loss has changed me, my views on living a life in general. Emotionally, it is a different perception. I often wonder how he would be coping if he were in my shoes, he would most likely be dealing the same way.

 

Andy, This void of loneliness, emptiness IS draining. Each of us are trying though. We have been able, through sheer grit and much pain, to get days behind us. Isn't that what this life amounts to? The years with my husband went by so fast. Now, I yearn for the rest of my years to go by so I can see my husband and be with him in eternity.  Life, we measure it in seconds, minutes, hours, days,weeks, months, years. Our key word here is *TRYING*. As humans, it is all we can do. Otherwise, the alternative is *giving up*. I would rather have my husband proud of me for trying.

 

Kathy

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KMB, yes, "trying" is my status quo, never quite succeeding, but I keep breathing. 

Today has been "melancholy", sadness permeates all my thoughts, shadows again. I hope for a better tomorrow, if indeed I'm permitted a tomorrow. I don't assume anything anymore. 

Love and peace,

Andy 

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Andy,

It is hard.  I've learned to expect ups and downs.  Some days I do okay, maybe even better than okay.  Then there's other days where I just want it all to end and I'm impatient with having to live my life out another how many years.  Then I remind myself, "One day at a time", "All you have to do is today and then tomorrow get up and do it all over again".  And that helps me.  I can do today.  It's "the rest of my life" I'm not sure about, so I try not to go there and if I do, I rein myself in quickly!

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Andy, Yeah, the sadness does permeate throughout, following us around. Something as mundane as taking out the trash, washing a few dishes carries sadness. Trying to zone out watching tv has that sadness just under the surface. I have been getting back into reading. Still have issues with concentration and focus. I'll read for a bit and find my mind wandering back into the loneliness of missing my husband. I can understand why this is going to be a life long process.

 

KayC, I give you a lot of respect and credit for continuing on for as long as you have. I cannot fathom 12 years from now for myself. It will be as you say, one day at a time.

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KayC did nail it!  You are so very wise KayC.  We are lucky to have you come here and share that wisdom with us whom are new to such devastating loss.  It seems that as shock slowly wears off, the true extent of our losses becomes more known to us and suddenly living gets a whole lot tougher.    

I haven't felt, the loss of will to live, but for the first couple of weeks after Gerry was killed I know some family members and friends thought I might.  I have a very loving daughter with whom I share many interests with and who lives just an hour away.  I have Grandchildren I adore and need to see and help grow up, a son and his fiancee in Western Australia postponing their wedding until my health is better and I can get over there see them wed.  And then of course the work that's been needed to get to the truth of why my hubby was killed.  

The reason for his death is very complex, I still spend many hours a day researching and gathering info.  Much educating and changes are needed once our court case and inquest is over, and I aim to be ready to go.  I have to do all I can so other families don't have to go through such an avoidable loss of a loved one.   I'm a very shy person, don't like to draw attention to myself, so how I'm going to do this remains to be seen, but do it I must in honor of my darling man. 

I know how blessed I am in having such easy contact with his spirit. He is with me for as long as I need him to be.  

 

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M88, Can you expound a bit on your easy contact with his spirit, what you mean by that?  How does that display?

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M88, Like KayC, I am curious also. I have dreams of my husband. I can see him talking to me but I can't *hear* during the dream and I don't remember later either.  Maybe my subconscious does though since I do feel at times calmer. I've had to deal with a couple of tough situations since he's been gone. The solutions or resolutions have come about almost miraculously, like my husband had a hand in the outcome I needed. Many times I feel a tingling running in waves through my body when I am talking to him or really need his comfort. I like to think he is letting me be aware of his spiritual presence.

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AceBasin, thank you for the concern. These last 4 days or so have been trying. Other, non related issues (in regards to my wife's passing) have come along and has complicated things even further. Something else to drive home the point that the need for my wife is greater than ever. 

Like everything else, I'll figure this out. I'll try anyway. There was a period of time, about 3 or 4 years back, we were going through a difficult time, illness, the impending loss of my 17 year spanning job, and some personal issues all came together at once. During this time, I used to "dream" about getting in my kayak and drifting out to sea. Mind you, this was brief and just an exercise in escapism, I would never leave my family for any reason. I was just overwhelmed. Well, I'm having those "dreams" again. Sometimes, I wonder what would really happen if I drove off or drifted away? I have no control over the world around me, little control over my world, my parents are near 80, and other than my daughter, I have no one. I'm just feeling low, lower than usual, I'll get right again. I would NEVER self harm, I want that clear, I'm just going through a very difficult time, and my best friend, the underpinning of my world, isn't here to help me see it through. 

Thank you AceBasin, thank you for caring, it means so much

Andy

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