Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Want to share my experience.


Andy

Recommended Posts

  • Members

Andy, Eagle---Thank you for your posts. I, myself, do a lot of thinking and reflecting, but you two have the remarkable ability in expressing the right words in an understanding way. My thoughts are all jumbled and hard to put into any order, like a box of Alphabet cereal.:wub:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 980
  • Created
  • Last Reply
  • Members
20 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

I don't know if this inappropriate, but have you ever think about writing? You can express yourself better than anyone, your words carry a tone of emotions, I always end up crying when I read because I feel every single thing you are feeling because your words are meaningful and filled with feelings. Every time after I read your post I found myself in deep thoughts, thinking and feeling everything you said, and most of all, takes me out of the dark place I am currently. By expressing yourself you are helping all of us, giving us something good to think, a little bit of hope in is this terrible and sad journey.

As you said this is not a paradise, if I am not wrong I read once a quote: -Paradise is not a place, my paradise is you- I don't recall it very well but it was the main idea, our paradise is the moments and the love we share with our love one, love is what makes life worth living. But sadly our "human" nature is inherent to death, people die every day, by an infinite number of possibilities, today, out here, a brother, a sister, a wife, a boyfriend, a parents, a son, a daughter, a friend is dying, newborns, teenagers, young, adult and old people dies every day. And we cant do nothing but keep loving them.

We will learn to handle this.

I big hug for you, I know your wife is so proud of you because she sees how hard are you fighting back grieving, how strong are you becoming.

No, it's not inappropriate at all, I'm flattered, but I'm afraid I'm I'll prepared for something as grand as writing. I've loved reading for as long as I can remember, it's my dearest pastime (when I have the time), but actually writing? I'd love to, but my knowledge is very limited. 

You're right, paradise, at least here in this world, is something we discover within ourselves. Be it our family, a career born of passion, a life of service to others or building model trains, it doesn't matter. Paradise is as individual as our taste in food or music.  Mine happens to be my family and my fondness for all things "geek". Losing my wife burned down most of my heaven on earth, but as with most fires, life struggles to endure through the ash and embers. We have been so broken by this most extraordinary of losses it seems to our shattered minds that life beyond this point is impossible. Impossible and literally inconceivable, we simply lack the context to process what has happened to us. That's where the passage of time plays it's part. What I feel today, right now, was not within my being to consider. If anyone had suggested that in 7 months time you will still miss her, cry for her, but things won't be hopeless any longer, I would dismiss it as trite and nonsensical. Everyone copes and accepts and processes differently, and I think it's dangerous to gauge ones own "progress" by assessing someone else's journey. Some people may take years to accept the reality of what happened, some people a few months. And what "progress" looks like is also somewhat subjective. What constitutes a good day for me might be a setback for another. I'm not talking about medical/health/psychological issues, that's beyond me, I'm merely speaking on a very general, surface level of universal and expected experiences. 

Death comes to us all, and until the aging gene is isolated and effectively "switched off", this is how it's going to be. Make what we have been given count, make what's left of our lives count, make every minute we can, mean something. Appreciate, love, give, admire and be a light to others. Today I feel like this is right, this is my path. To live well. Tomorrow I may be in a dark place, filled with grief. But I think I'm going to have more of these "better" days than the dark ones. Whether it's irony or something else, my outlook is largely due to the spirit of my wife and all she gave me. My wife was HERE, my wife LIVED, she MATTERED, and I'm going to make sure she still has a voice, her influence will be felt, her legacy not forgotten. That is one hell of a reason to not only get up in the morning, but to embrace life and live. Really live. 

Love and hugs back at you, I can always use those :-)

Andy

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
22 hours ago, KMB said:

Words of deep feeling and thought, well written with heart and willingly shared to us all.

We can all relate on that sentiment. Much thanks and love, Andy. We will make it through our journey here.

We will make it. We are going to make it, and we're going to smile along the way. We will smile when we remember the good days, the funny stories, the beautiful moments, and we're going to smile at things yet to come. The departed loved ones that we know still exists, also dwell within us, and that makes me smile. 

Love and hugs,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
7 hours ago, Andy said:

No, it's not inappropriate at all, I'm flattered, but I'm afraid I'm I'll prepared for something as grand as writing. I've loved reading for as long as I can remember, it's my dearest pastime (when I have the time), but actually writing? I'd love to, but my knowledge is very limited. 

You're right, paradise, at least here in this world, is something we discover within ourselves. Be it our family, a career born of passion, a life of service to others or building model trains, it doesn't matter. Paradise is as individual as our taste in food or music.  Mine happens to be my family and my fondness for all things "geek". Losing my wife burned down most of my heaven on earth, but as with most fires, life struggles to endure through the ash and embers. We have been so broken by this most extraordinary of losses it seems to our shattered minds that life beyond this point is impossible. Impossible and literally inconceivable, we simply lack the context to process what has happened to us. That's where the passage of time plays it's part. What I feel today, right now, was not within my being to consider. If anyone had suggested that in 7 months time you will still miss her, cry for her, but things won't be hopeless any longer, I would dismiss it as trite and nonsensical. Everyone copes and accepts and processes differently, and I think it's dangerous to gauge ones own "progress" by assessing someone else's journey. Some people may take years to accept the reality of what happened, some people a few months. And what "progress" looks like is also somewhat subjective. What constitutes a good day for me might be a setback for another. I'm not talking about medical/health/psychological issues, that's beyond me, I'm merely speaking on a very general, surface level of universal and expected experiences. 

Death comes to us all, and until the aging gene is isolated and effectively "switched off", this is how it's going to be. Make what we have been given count, make what's left of our lives count, make every minute we can, mean something. Appreciate, love, give, admire and be a light to others. Today I feel like this is right, this is my path. To live well. Tomorrow I may be in a dark place, filled with grief. But I think I'm going to have more of these "better" days than the dark ones. Whether it's irony or something else, my outlook is largely due to the spirit of my wife and all she gave me. My wife was HERE, my wife LIVED, she MATTERED, and I'm going to make sure she still has a voice, her influence will be felt, her legacy not forgotten. That is one hell of a reason to not only get up in the morning, but to embrace life and live. Really live. 

Love and hugs back at you, I can always use those :-)

Andy

 

I think is not about knowledge, is about feeling, in the way you talk/write your heart and your mind is an open book, I've always loved reading, I my favorites books are those in which I can feel the emotions and feelings of the character, the ability to connect people through words is a gift. Maybe if you can write down what you feel and what you think it might help others to understand better what is within our hearts, because feeling one thing it doesn't mean that we can fully understands it. And what's happening to me is that I am realizing so much of what I feel by reading you, don't misunderstood me, is not that I feel exactly the same way you do, cause none of us feel the same, but it help me to understand all this "mess" that is taking place on my mind and heart. 

In Spanish there is a word: "serendipia" it means that found out or figure out something in a unexpected way because you weren't looking for nothing. Today reading you I found out that somehow you remind me of Mario, again, I don't want to be inappropriate, Mario have this easy ability for "talking", most of the time we spent together he was the one who was talking, I am socially awkward, a potato has a better ability for conversations than me, and went I meet Mario he was perfect for me because I only had to say a few words, and he could spend all night speaking about it and I was so inlove to see him talking, what he thought, and feel was and unknown and amazing world to discover, it was my favorite thing in life, just sat down and heard him talking.

Just for sharing with you, Mario and I were a "couple geek" we spent a lot of weekends sitting next to each other playing video games and or talking about comics or movies, he knew so much about that, we went to the movies every weekend, we were looking forward to watch together Wonder Woman and Thor Ragnarok, I haven't opened my battle net since he had the accident, I just cant get online and playing knowing he wont get online to play with me, omg I miss him so much....

I know one day I'll woke up and can finally reach an state of "peace", as you say we all have different times, could be within a year, could take some more time. And yes you are right: THEY LIVED, THEY ARE HERE and THEY STILL MATTER, and we need to lived our lives in order to honor them, in order to people see us and can see them as well, his/her essences. You are a great man, your heart is filled with wisdom and kindness and love, she -as the great woman she was- needed I great man next to her, you both were blessed to have each others.

And hugs are always good for souls, people should hug more often =)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
On 7/27/2017 at 7:18 PM, Andy said:

Death is neither just or unjust, it's part of life.

I know this is true. I know we aren't promised or guaranteed any set amount of time, but nonetheless, it FEELS unjust to lose them so soon!  Your wife at 42, my husband barely 51.  Somehow I thought we'd have at least another 20+ years.  My bad.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
On 7/27/2017 at 9:17 PM, Ka9219 said:

have you ever think about writing?

Andy, you do have an ability to write, but what really impresses me is your wisdom, you not only articulate yourself well, you have something of substance to say!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
4 hours ago, KayC said:

Andy, you do have an ability to write, but what really impresses me is your wisdom, you not only articulate yourself well, you have something of substance to say!

Ditto!:wub:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

KayC, KMB, you are too kind, I appreciate that anything I might say has value to someone else. That means everything. If through this ordeal I'm able to parcel out something in the way of help or understanding, then all's not lost. It's with a VERY humble hope that in my grief, and how I've experienced it thus far, I can show that at some point things do get "better". And yes, "better" is a relative term, but it is possible. 

As for wisdom? I don't about that, I just relate what I feel and how I cope as honestly as I can. Most of any insight I may have has come from my wife and her years of suffering and struggles. How SHE dealt with her condition and how she CHOSE to accept and carry on is the single greatest inspiration I have. So when you pay me a compliment, thank you, for I'm actually passing on lessons from my life with Tracie. So, in a way I guess, she's speaking along with me. Wow, that's actually an epiphany of sorts. Thank you, thank you all. 

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
14 hours ago, Ka9219 said:

I think is not about knowledge, is about feeling, in the way you talk/write your heart and your mind is an open book, I've always loved reading, I my favorites books are those in which I can feel the emotions and feelings of the character, the ability to connect people through words is a gift. Maybe if you can write down what you feel and what you think it might help others to understand better what is within our hearts, because feeling one thing it doesn't mean that we can fully understands it. And what's happening to me is that I am realizing so much of what I feel by reading you, don't misunderstood me, is not that I feel exactly the same way you do, cause none of us feel the same, but it help me to understand all this "mess" that is taking place on my mind and heart. 

In Spanish there is a word: "serendipia" it means that found out or figure out something in a unexpected way because you weren't looking for nothing. Today reading you I found out that somehow you remind me of Mario, again, I don't want to be inappropriate, Mario have this easy ability for "talking", most of the time we spent together he was the one who was talking, I am socially awkward, a potato has a better ability for conversations than me, and went I meet Mario he was perfect for me because I only had to say a few words, and he could spend all night speaking about it and I was so inlove to see him talking, what he thought, and feel was and unknown and amazing world to discover, it was my favorite thing in life, just sat down and heard him talking.

Just for sharing with you, Mario and I were a "couple geek" we spent a lot of weekends sitting next to each other playing video games and or talking about comics or movies, he knew so much about that, we went to the movies every weekend, we were looking forward to watch together Wonder Woman and Thor Ragnarok, I haven't opened my battle net since he had the accident, I just cant get online and playing knowing he wont get online to play with me, omg I miss him so much....

I know one day I'll woke up and can finally reach an state of "peace", as you say we all have different times, could be within a year, could take some more time. And yes you are right: THEY LIVED, THEY ARE HERE and THEY STILL MATTER, and we need to lived our lives in order to honor them, in order to people see us and can see them as well, his/her essences. You are a great man, your heart is filled with wisdom and kindness and love, she -as the great woman she was- needed I great man next to her, you both were blessed to have each others.

And hugs are always good for souls, people should hug more often =)

Thank you. Mario had a great love in you, your honest devotion and how much you loved and cared for him is so apparent. I'm sorry for his loss and I wish I could say something to ease the pain. 

I don't know about being a "great man", I try my best but fall woefully short quite often. My flaws are many and qualities too few. For some reason though, my wife thought I was worth taking a risk on, and she was pretty sharp, so I'll defer to her judgement. :-)

I agree, hugs aren't given enough, at least not around here. Physical contact is such an essential part of the human experience and to be deprived of that is another loss altogether. I miss the holding of hands, her head on my shoulder, just her sitting next to me. Other than a hug from my daughter, I'm completely devoid of human contact, and now that I think about it, thats a terrible thing. So, here's a big hug. Not the same, but it's better than nothing I suppose. 

Strength and peace,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
9 hours ago, Andy said:

Thank you. Mario had a great love in you, your honest devotion and how much you loved and cared for him is so apparent. I'm sorry for his loss and I wish I could say something to ease the pain. 

I don't know about being a "great man", I try my best but fall woefully short quite often. My flaws are many and qualities too few. For some reason though, my wife thought I was worth taking a risk on, and she was pretty sharp, so I'll defer to her judgement. :-)

I agree, hugs aren't given enough, at least not around here. Physical contact is such an essential part of the human experience and to be deprived of that is another loss altogether. I miss the holding of hands, her head on my shoulder, just her sitting next to me. Other than a hug from my daughter, I'm completely devoid of human contact, and now that I think about it, thats a terrible thing. So, here's a big hug. Not the same, but it's better than nothing I suppose. 

Strength and peace,

Andy

Andy, let yourself believe that you are a great man, let yourself think that a great woman needed I great man and that's why she choose, that's why you choose each other.

Let me tell you a little story about "flaws". Mario was a big, strong man, thigh shoulders, arms and legs, wide back, he was big, and he was as white as milk, but also he was hairy as a bear... at the second or third date he told me he has this "flaw", that his back has "hairy", and on his face I could see how much this bothered to him but for me wasn't a big deal. By January we went to the beach and he didn't want to take his shirt off because he was ashamed, I sat down right in front of him and told him: I love you, you are perfect and the most handsome man on this beach, please, take that out -the shirt- because I love you and you are my "little bear". He just looked back at me and take his shirt off, after that he never talk about that again. Last week I went to visit my mother in law, and I show her some ideas I have to make a tattoo in honor to Mario, there are all about bears, and she told me: "Marito -that's how his family called him- always was so ashamed of his back because he was a bit hairy, and he always talked about to remove them with laser, one day I -my mother in law- asked him if he wanted to do it still, and he -Mario- told me: Nope, karo told me that's I am his "little bear" and she loves me that way, I am ok in the way I am".

Now extrapolate that physically "flaw" with all the possible "flaws" he might think he had, there are not flaws, there is your personality and what make you unique, and that uniqueness was the one your wife loved. We all commit mistakes and that's is part of the life. Let yourself believe there is no better man in the world for her, and even if no one of you were perfect, you were perfect for each other.

A big hug for you Andy, because even from distance hugs are worth it and feed the soul 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
bradley1985
On 7/27/2017 at 9:18 PM, Andy said:

My anger, while at times bubbling over, doesn't have the hold it once did. My relationship with the divine is still complicated, but as resolute as ever, I realize with cold reason the every single person on this planet will die and the the billions of people who have existed are no longer here. Entire civilizations have vanished, cities, towns, families, all of them gone. It's not so much the passing, rather the timing or manner of the passing. I believe my wife deserved another 50 years, 100 years, a 1000, but 42 1/2 was all she got. My moms infant son (I'm adopted) passed away 2 weeks after being born. My grandfather passed at 92. My mom is the kindest, most generous human being I've ever met. My dad equally as kind and giving. I'm sure at some point (I don't ask) my parents felt anger, betrayal, even guilt after the loss of their only born son. Somehow, someway, they got through it, eventually finding me and making a life. I don't blame God or anyone, this world is as imperfect as we are. This was never a paradise, just a ball of mud with moments of beauty and the glory of true love and compassion. We live, do the best we can, try to take nothing for granted, hopefully leave things a little better than when we arrived

Interesting comments. I certainly tried thinking along these lines. I have thought about in the Old Testament as well where entire cities were destroyed by god, or entire villages that contained the wives of the king and all his soldiers were slaughtered while the king was out in battle.  Or that in 7000 years of civilization what does 20 more years one way another matter?  But unfortunately intellectualizing my wifes death in terms of the world just has not been helpful for me.  Trying to compare my situation and how I feel with the millions of other losses doesnt seem to get me anywhere either.  I have come to to the conclusion that no matter what I compare my loss to or how I try to fit it in to the present and past happenings of the world it just isnt going to help.  Its mine and mine alone to deal with and no other catastrophe, big or small, past, present, or future, is going to change my reality.  No comment or intellectualizing by another person seems to help unless the person has been though this process.  I would trade the whole world and all the billions that live now and lived before to be with my wife and I can understand how anyone on this forum would think the same.  She meant that much to me.  

The pain and intense, constant thinking of her is starting to slightly lessen.   The physical pain has almost subsided.  I suppose you could even say things are improving.  But every morning and every night and throughout the day I still break down.  But even the break downs are not as intense.  The highs seem to get higher but the lows still get just as low.  This evening I miss her so much more than I did this afternoon.  It seems to be a never ending cycle of emotions that are slowly changing shape and form.  But who knows about tomorrow or next week or the week after.  I am all over the place emotionally.  The only emotion that doesnt change is that she is not here to talk to. I guess thats not really even an emotion. But I am sure there are many emotions tied to that. She just isnt here and I need her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, bradley1985 said:

Trying to compare my situation and how I feel with the millions of other losses doesnt seem to get me anywhere either. 

Trying to compare our loss to the the others who have gone before us, is relative only in looking at the big picture of life and human existence in itself. Our personal loss is specialized and unique only to those who knew that person. it is a tough and lonely process. For the majority of the population, there will already have been loss or there will be. Very few people, if any, will not experience loss during their life here. Is that a blessing or not? Love is often balanced with sorrow.  I actually feel sorry for anyone who might go through life not knowing real, true love and not experiencing the sorrow that sometimes goes with it. Our souls cannot grow and improve without love. Love is what sustains us in our existence. Yes, all of us here are grieving our special loss. For me, I am grateful I knew and experienced my husband's love. He enhanced me as a person and I am who I am now because of him. I miss him dearly every second but I know he still loves me and is waiting for me. That love will sustain me the rest of my days here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
5 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

The pain and intense, constant thinking of her is starting to slightly lessen.   The physical pain has almost subsided.  I suppose you could even say things are improving.  But every morning and every night and throughout the day I still break down.  But even the break downs are not as intense.  The highs seem to get higher but the lows still get just as low.  This evening I miss her so much more than I did this afternoon.  It seems to be a never ending cycle of emotions that are slowly changing shape and form.  But who knows about tomorrow or next week or the week after.  I am all over the place emotionally.  The only emotion that doesnt change is that she is not here to talk to. I guess thats not really even an emotion. But I am sure there are many emotions tied to that. She just isnt here and I need her.

The unknown is hard for me. Not knowing what tomorrow(or even the next minute) will bring for me emotionally is a scary prospect. When Lori was here I had a handle on my day to day emotions. I was a genuinely happy person most all of the time. My wife used to ask me if I ever felt down or sad and my answer was always a quick "nope". She marveled at my generally positive view on life. Everything changed on 04/01/17. Now I have no clue how I am going to feel when I wake up. It's like reaching in the Fantastic Bag of Crappy Emotions and pulling out cards that read; anger, despair, fear, hopelessness, etc... Would it be too much to ask for the universe to throw in a card that read "joy" or "comfort" every now and again. Hell, I'd be happy to get a card that read "average" or "just shy of terrible". It confounds me that my life has taken such an extreme 180. Without Lori's light in my life this path has truly taken a turn down an uncertain road that I just don't know how to navigate.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
26 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

 this path has truly taken a turn down an uncertain road that I just don't know how to navigate.

I think that is why our life is considered a book. We are playing out the different chapters. I much preferred the previous chapter. I don't like this new one.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Bradley1985, you are right, comparing or rationalizing away ones own grief by the understanding that death isn't unique nor is our situation, is complete folly. I was trying (for my sake) to gather another "brick in the wall" for reinforcing the idea that living is okay, that as part of the human condition, death is an unavoidable component of life that we've been facing as long as we've been here. This forum helped/helps me not because other people have suffered this particular loss, it's because they understand. If a million people lost their wife the day I lost mine, I wouldn't feel any better, the fact that millions die in war doesn't make it easier, it does however, illustrate that as humans, we can, and do, go on. This is how I'm thinking about things anyway, at least a piece of this puzzle. 

KMB, that's what I was trying to say, I was not quite clear, but you articulated it so well, thank you. Our loss and how it effects us is of course unique, and therefore inwardly focused, sometimes making us incapable of considering the trials of others. That's to be expected, it has destroyed OUR world, OUR life has been crushed and changed forever, we can't think about anything else but OUR pain. As time passes though, empathy returns, and with an insight that magnifies our awareness. It's a "knowing" that we possess now, I think it might be impossible to not feel a kinship with our fellow travelers. 

Eagle-96, the fear of the unknown has been an especially hard thing for me to overcome. Having our future essentially evaporate creates a question mark. What do I do? How do I go on? All of our dreams? Are all of my dreams gone now? What happens now? Who will care about me? Does it matter? And on and on. Facing another day without my wife was probably the most brutal and agonizing aspect in the beginning, and though I still have some really tough episodes, my heart and mind are accepting that this is how it's going to be. It's a terribly sad thing to consider, but one I think that's necessary for us to function with any anount of sanity. 

Peace and strength to all of you,

Andy

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
2 minutes ago, KMB said:

I think that is why our life is considered a book. We are playing out the different chapters. I much preferred the previous chapter. I don't like this new one.

Indeed, a book that's not finished and contains near endless possibilities. It's always that way, but with our beloveds, it's much easier and welcomed to go down that unknown path together. Now, it's a dark trail, filled with shadows and things we prefer not to see. I will stay the course however, face what I must. Besides, I'm never truly alone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
14 minutes ago, Andy said:

Indeed, a book that's not finished and contains near endless possibilities. It's always that way, but with our beloveds, it's much easier and welcomed to go down that unknown path together. Now, it's a dark trail, filled with shadows and things we prefer not to see. I will stay the course however, face what I must. Besides, I'm never truly alone.

Bingo. Before Lori died, any fears, trials, and tribulations in life were navigated by a team. WE could conquer any foe. WE could beat any odds. Now I must go it alone. No one to help read the map. No one to take the wheel when I grow weary. No one to bandage the wounds that life throws at me. It's not really even a new chapter to me. The book of my life was thrown into the burn pile and set aflame in the blink of an eye. Nobody even cared to ask if I was finished reading it. Just yanked it out of my hand and pushed me to the ground as the universe laughed at my predicament. "Alone" is the title to my new book. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
27 minutes ago, Andy said:

Having our future essentially evaporate creates a question mark.

Life is just one big question mark. Daily, we have to make choices, decisions, about every aspect of ourselves. Human nature gives us the tendency to also take our choices, decisions, for granted. Our future wasn't even here yet, when we had thoughts on it, implemented plans of action, made decisions. We were" projecting" our future for ourselves and our loved ones. That is a downfall for us now. Our projections of a happily ever after got blown up. We have to start over, alone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
bradley1985
8 hours ago, KMB said:

Trying to compare our loss to the the others who have gone before us, is relative only in looking at the big picture of life and human existence in itself. Our personal loss is specialized and unique only to those who knew that person. it is a tough and lonely process. For the majority of the population, there will already have been loss or there will be. Very few people, if any, will not experience loss during their life here. Is that a blessing or not? Love is often balanced with sorrow.  I actually feel sorry for anyone who might go through life not knowing real, true love and not experiencing the sorrow that sometimes goes with it. Our souls cannot grow and improve without love. Love is what sustains us in our existence

Wow.  That really sums it up.   I am more interested in death and catastrophes more than ever before.  As I wrote before I think about all kinds of catastrophes throughout time.  I have been interested in biblical stories where spouses die as well.  When I read the news about people's deaths I scan the article to see if they were married.  If not married, who cared for them.   I suppose I was trying to make sense of things to see a reason for living, or to say to myself if "they" can live through this so can I.  As I really wanted to kill myself up until about three weeks ago. 

Maybe one day I can feel sorry for anyone that goes through life without knowing real love.  Maybe I already do.  I am not sure.  Living in Thailand I meet or hear about a lot of men who literally pay to have a wife that will leave them if the money runs out.  This makes me sick to my stomach but I have not been able to feel sorry for these men or at least I dont think I have been able to.  For lack of a better word I am going to say I am "immature" in my emotions when thinking about these men who dont know and probably never will know what love feels like.  Their behavior just makes me angry and I wish they wouldnt come here.  I say in my head that they get what they pay for.  Perhaps one day I can feel compassion for them but I am just not in that place today.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
bradley1985
5 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Now I have no clue how I am going to feel when I wake up. It's like reaching in the Fantastic Bag of Crappy Emotions and pulling out cards that read; anger, despair, fear, hopelessness, etc... Would it be too much to ask for the universe to throw in a card that read "joy" or "comfort" every now and again. Hell, I'd be happy to get a card that read "average" or "just shy of terrible". It confounds me that my life has taken such an extreme 180. Without Lori's light in my life this path has truly taken a turn down an uncertain road that I just don't know how to navigate.

Oh yeah.  Same, same, same.  I dont have any "average" cards in my bag but I did FINALLY get a card that reads "just shy of terrible".  I had the "anger" card coming up constantly, nearly 90% of the time until last week I suppose.  Now the cards that I wake up with most of the time are fear and despair.  Saturday was the "hopeless" card.  I think the hopeless card is the worst as those days are the days (or periods) I definitely want to end it all.   For me it seems like expecting the cards of "Joy" or "Comfort" would be asking too much.  Doesnt seem this will happen this year.  Thursday and Friday night I had two consecutive nightmares that were unbelievably awful.   Both nights I had to run out of my house and into the front yard and calm down to know the world is still here.  I hate this ride right now.  Or this chapter of my book.  Whatever you want to call it, I dont like it.

Andy,  perhaps over the course of time empathy will return.  I am so inwardly focused that it is hard for me to feel much for other's plights unless they are in a similar situation.  Everytime I read a new post on this website about a loss I can feel empathy and understanding and pain.  Other than that I dont feel much regarding anyone else's problems or issues.  The other day someone was telling me about children who couldn't eat and had no home and I could tell they were clearly feeling upset about it but, yet again, because I am clouded and wrapped in my own pain I could not feel anything.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
AshleyDonahue
4 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Bingo. Before Lori died, any fears, trials, and tribulations in life were navigated by a team. WE could conquer any foe. WE could beat any odds. Now I must go it alone.

This. 

If I had a dollar for every time David used to tell me, "We got this" in regard to any issue, work stress, house problem, health problem (all of which seem trivial now)... well, I guess I'd have a lot of money, but it still couldn't buy the only thing I want, which is to have my best friend back. 

I try to hear his voice saying those words now, on the days when I'm really struggling (most days), try to tell myself that he is still with me and we're still a team. But it just doesn't work. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
On 7/29/2017 at 2:55 AM, Ka9219 said:

I think is not about knowledge, is about feeling

Wisdom is what we DO with knowledge, not the knowledge itself.  And yes, it is in part Andy's ability to articulate himself in a way we can relate to, in openly expressing himself with authenticity.

On 7/30/2017 at 7:22 AM, bradley1985 said:

Trying to compare my situation and how I feel with the millions of other losses doesnt seem to get me anywhere either.

No, comparisons are not only futile, but they can leave us feeling OUR LOSS is invalidated!  Comparisons aren't good.  Our loss is the loss that matters to us.  Knowing others "have it worse" (to quote a cliche that I deem inappropriate) does nothing to validate our loss and indeed leaves us feeling we don't deserve to feel the way we do, which is so very wrong!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
GhostofLight
On 7/24/2017 at 0:22 AM, bradley1985 said:

I am living on earth permanently abondoned by the one person I needed (not by her choice obviosly) while everyone I dont need remains.  There is no crueler punishment.  I look in the mirror and see a man who has no life and never will.  This is my "awakening".  I am awakening to a life of hell.  This earth is now just a continual waste of my time.  It makes me consistently wonder how the afterlife could be worse than this.  There is no way.  God has written a script, and continues to write a script for a character I cannot and will not play.  He has robbed me of my life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness.

 

Bradley, so much of what you say sounds like my own internal monologue... it's eerie.  I know exactly how you feel.  Truly.  At this point I'm like a prisoner in a cell.  A **** and piss factory.  One day after another.  How long do I have to wait?  I've already lost the game, so there's isn't much point in playing.  I'm only here out of obligation to other people.

If nothing else, I suppose I know the truth about life... and certainly about God.  He really dropped the mask.  I know what he really is now.  There's no going back.

A number of people have recommended "A Grief Observed" to me, but, given the author, I can only assume it ends with him capitulating in some way:  "But, in the final analysis, isn't God swell?"  Like a battered housewife or something.  Erm, no.  I don't think God is swell.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
7 hours ago, GhostofLight said:

Bradley, so much of what you say sounds like my own internal monologue... it's eerie.  I know exactly how you feel.  Truly.  At this point I'm like a prisoner in a cell.  A **** and piss factory.  One day after another.  How long do I have to wait?  I've already lost the game, so there's isn't much point in playing.  I'm only here out of obligation to other people.

If nothing else, I suppose I know the truth about life... and certainly about God.  He really dropped the mask.  I know what he really is now.  There's no going back.

A number of people have recommended "A Grief Observed" to me, but, given the author, I can only assume it ends with him capitulating in some way:  "But, in the final analysis, isn't God swell?"  Like a battered housewife or something.  Erm, no.  I don't think God is swell.

 

Actually, his relationship and understanding of God is reexamined and/or reevaluated. The book isn't a guide or even a step by step guide to overcoming grief, it's merely his observations of himself and the effects emotionally and psychologically it takes upon him. His wife passed away from cancer after I believe 3 years of marriage, he felt betrayed, he thought the divine had given him a perfect life to only have it taken away. A very familiar sentiment, one we are all somewhat sympathetic to. 

Each of us will react and internalize our loss according to life experiences, personal beliefs, expectations, internal "wiring", a litany of variables. I have also been forced to look at how I think of God, or at least the nature of God. While my sentiments are different than yours, I completely understand the depth of your resentment and anger. I was there, at that place where I had to hold someone, anyone responsible. The worst was holding myself responsible for my wife's passing. Being angry at God, the doctors, the EMT's, that was easy compared to holding myself liable for my wife's slipping away on New Year's Eve. Any outwardly focused anger paled in comparison to what I was doing to myself, and honestly, find myself still doing on occasion. Of course my wife would be very disappointed in me, angry at what my arrogance had convinced me of, that I somehow have control over things. No such thing. But that's the nature of this ordeal, part of this ugly affair. We do the best we can, my daughter certainly needs her dad, so I get up and do what needs doing. I don't think we're here to be useless shells of atoms performing endless biological imperatives. "Why" is a big question, one each of us must find for ourselves, and I'm still looking. In part I know that my family still needs me. I know that on some level, still, that I have a fondness for life. A life that my wife helped me fully realize and embrace. That and all of the beautiful things my wife afforded me will always be part of me, they are me. I miss her, I cry for her, part of my heart will remain broken forever, but I need, I want, to live. 

I hope that you eventually find peace within and without, I hope you experience serenity, and I hope that at some point, existing becomes living. Strength and comfort,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

It's an excellent book, C.S. Lewis is one of the most authentic people, he has real feelings and doesn't sugarcoat or gloss over anything.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hello my friends,

I haven't posted in a while, just wanted to say that I've been doing fairly well. Personal events (family) have kept me occupied and my ability to regularly visit has been limited. Outside of that, my life is basically the same. I still think about my wife nearly every moment, I miss her constantly, and I still have to drive off some of the more difficult memories and emotions associated with he final hours. However, living has become "almost" routine again. Obviously a massive component of what was is gone, never to return, but the daily chore of work and home has once again developed its own rhythm. Things aren't nearly as bleak or hopeless. I still have my moments, but my outlook has improved, little by little. My wiring or internal geometry plays on my favor I suppose, I can only accept absolute grief for so long, I must see things for the better. I'm being counted on by others so I have to do my best. So, things are better. I still cry, I still get lost in yesterday, but I've turned at least a small corner I think. I hope to keep moving in a positive direction. 

To all my friends, those I know and those I haven't met yet, all my love and comfort,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Andy,

It's good to hear from you.  Having interaction with others, your daughter, your work, it all helps.  I made the mistake of staying home all day yesterday to rest, it was too much quiet, too much aloneness.  Am glad to be back to regular schedule today.

I don't cry often anymore, I guess my tears are on the inside.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Andy, Good to hear from you. It appears you are doing as well as can be expected. It is good to have the opportunities to place your focus on your family and work. Those moments help you to get out of your own head for a bit. Our grieving is always going to be a part of us, but we do need to not stay there all the time. Tracie is your guardian angel now. Walking alongside you every step of your journey.:wub:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Yes Andy. So good to hear from you. I also have not been here for a bit. Busy with the new job. My daughter is visiting and will be heading back to LA tomorrow. Missing her already!  Lots going on in my life. Made first trip to cemetery with my daughter a week ago. Was a thousand times worse than I expected. I'll read and write more later when I have the time and when I'm back to being home alone again. Hope you're all doing ok. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hello to all of my old friends and to those I haven't met yet. 

The hurricane, Irma, is gone. How quickly it came, did its damage, then left. I don't have to point out the metaphor, not to those here. My house, like me, took a beating, a few things broke, but it's still standing. 

I came here, just now, to maybe explain where I'm at now in this miserable journey of grief and sorrow. I came wanting to show, to anyone who cares, that my progress is still in an upward "assension", that I'm "better". In many ways, I am. In some ways, I'm not, but it IS easier. Almost 9 months now, I've dealt with Valentines without my wife, our daughters birthday, my wife's birthday, what would've been our 25th wedding anniversary, and soon, my birthday. Life is not the same, the sky looks different now, the air even tastes different, but I'm alive. I wanted to tell everyone that I have "turned" the corner, I've found the magic formula. I have conquered grief! But I don't lie, so I will not say these things. I will say that I am better, the memories of my wife brings a smile much more often than tears. I will say that I don't feel the guilt like I used to. I will say that I love her and miss her and I always will. Grief is alive and well in me, and that is okay. It belongs to me, a spiritual, psychological, emotional reminder of my loss, a never ending pain that is only there because I fell in love with an amazing person. We hate this pain, we would be quick to cast it aside and be done with it, for the sorrow is like dying. Now, I'm not the same. I never wish to be rid of all the sadness, because it has enlightened and changed me. I see many things differently now. This pain will be with me forever, no different than the love we share with our beloved departed. So, all in all, as life and time continue, I find myself engaging the world around me, more and more. 

Love is the only thing that I care about anymore. I love my daughter, my parents, my dear friends, my memories, and friends I've made here. Love is the only thing that's kept me going. It carries me, shows me that there are possibilities in the world, gives me hope that one day, sooner or later, that love will find ME and show me that everything will be okay. It will show me that I don't have to lonely and that I don't have to die alone. Love gave me my wife, my daughter, me to my parents and my friends to me. 

I'm at a point also where the idea of starting a new relationship is becoming more and more of a possible reality. I have done an incredible amount of soul searching over this. I still don't know what this means, or even what this will look like, but I know, without doubt, that I do NOT wish to live out the rest of my days alone. This is actually a conversation that my wife started long before she passed, and now it appears as if she knew how things would end up. I say this only to show that, IF moving in a similar direction is what you desire, it's okay. Believe the cliche that says "they would want you to be happy".  They really do. 

I have a few good friends in the "real" world, but I have to say that the friends I've made here are among the most cherished I have anywhere. You know who you are, and I love you. My life is better, my understanding and acceptance is profoundly more advanced, my journey not alone. Thank you. 

Anyway, I hope to post sooner than later this time. 

Peace, strength and comfort,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Beautifully said, Andy.  I am happy for you.  I am so pleased you and yours are safe and you still have your home.

I feel being to smile at memories and photos, rather than cry, is a real turning point - that we are accepting the death of our loved ones.  

The sharing on here has helped me immensely with my healing and I will be forever grateful to those of you who do so.  There is just so much to learn from each other! 

Because of my complex grief circumstances and my step family fast unraveling before me, I made a conscious decision soon after my hubbys death, that although very busy getting to the truth, as much as I could'. I needed to have a 'healthy' grief, and I'm not talking nutrition.  I do not want to get 4 or 5  years down the track and find myself making bad choices,  poor decisions, because I hadn't grieved in a healthy manner.  So, I aimed to feel the emotions, talk with friends and family about them  - not suppress them. I needed to reflect on Gerrys and my life together - this requires a lot ot time spent staring at the flames in the fireplac in the lounge and the ceiling in my bedroom.

My motto now is 'what will be, will be'. 

Strength, love and hugsXx

 

 ,

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Good to hear from you Andy. I know you were having a rough patch but I am glad that the light on your path seems to be getting a little brighter. Well, as bright as it can be considering.  It seems as though you are at the crossroads with respect to dating again. Go where your heart takes you. I am not there and I don't suspect I ever will be but I wish you nothing but success in whatever life brings you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
17 hours ago, Andy said:

I'm at a point also where the idea of starting a new relationship is becoming more and more of a possible reality.

 

Andy my brother good to hear from you.

The possibility of starting a new relationship is a big decision trust me, I've been there. You have read my post you know what I went through. In the end the results are, Carla is a good woman and I was lucky to find her, and I'm not alone anymore.

 

Autocharge

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
4 minutes ago, Autocharge said:

 

 

Andy my brother good to hear from you.

The possibility of starting a new relationship is a big decision trust me, I've been there. You have read my post you know what I went through. In the end the results are, Carla is a good woman and I was lucky to find her, and I'm not alone anymore.

 

Autocharge

Good to talk with you too my friend. 

I think that's the part I'm most anxious about. Finding that person with whom I'm compatible with after all these years. I'm an ancient relic from a bygone age. 

Peace my friend 

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
5 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Good to hear from you Andy. I know you were having a rough patch but I am glad that the light on your path seems to be getting a little brighter. Well, as bright as it can be considering.  It seems as though you are at the crossroads with respect to dating again. Go where your heart takes you. I am not there and I don't suspect I ever will be but I wish you nothing but success in whatever life brings you.

I never imagined I would be at this junction either, but being alone when I'm fundamentally happier when I can share my life, became this looming mountain. I know myself rather well, and while being alone won't kill me (well, statistically men have greater rates of mortality after becoming a widower), I LIKE sharing my life. Am I looking for marriage? No, not at this time, I may never, and I have come to understand that what I need and want are different now. I'm 45, not 20. I've had a great marriage to a great woman, I've raised a family, I've done all of those things and I'm a better man for it. If I never love again, so be it, I had a good life. BUT, with different expectations, different outlook, different goals, I think next will be a different kind of relationship. Not worse or better, different. Friendship, mutual respect and honesty, trust, perhaps shared interests, these will drive my next chapter, if that's what is meant for me. If not, I'll build lots of jigsaw puzzles...

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
9 hours ago, M88 said:

Beautifully said, Andy.  I am happy for you.  I am so pleased you and yours are safe and you still have your home.

I feel being to smile at memories and photos, rather than cry, is a real turning point - that we are accepting the death of our loved ones.  

The sharing on here has helped me immensely with my healing and I will be forever grateful to those of you who do so.  There is just so much to learn from each other! 

Because of my complex grief circumstances and my step family fast unraveling before me, I made a conscious decision soon after my hubbys death, that although very busy getting to the truth, as much as I could'. I needed to have a 'healthy' grief, and I'm not talking nutrition.  I do not want to get 4 or 5  years down the track and find myself making bad choices,  poor decisions, because I hadn't grieved in a healthy manner.  So, I aimed to feel the emotions, talk with friends and family about them  - not suppress them. I needed to reflect on Gerrys and my life together - this requires a lot ot time spent staring at the flames in the fireplac in the lounge and the ceiling in my bedroom.

My motto now is 'what will be, will be'. 

Strength, love and hugsXx

 

 ,

Hello M88,

You and I share a lot of emotion and thoughts, you're always there with me :-) Thank you for all you offer, your insight, guidance and support. 

Lots of hugs and warm thoughts,

Andy

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

You're welcome, Andy.   That's what friends do :)    I often wonder how people survived such a loss as we have all experienced, and kept their sanity, pre-internet times.  

Your recent posts tell me that the return of a sense of humour is another indication of some healing having taken place.  Ancient relic from a bygone age at 45 !!! What?  ;)  I'll remind you, that I was 38 and Gerry 45 when we started dating and we went on to have 22 awesome years together.   

Strength, love and hugs.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Andy,

Good to hear from you here and that Irma has passed and you are safe.  

I truly wish for you all that your heart searches for.  You deserve it!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
44 minutes ago, M88 said:

You're welcome, Andy.   That's what friends do :)    I often wonder how people survived such a loss as we have all experienced, and kept their sanity, pre-internet times.  

Your recent posts tell me that the return of a sense of humour is another indication of some healing having taken place.  Ancient relic from a bygone age at 45 !!! What?  ;)  I'll remind you, that I was 38 and Gerry 45 when we started dating and we went on to have 22 awesome years together.   

Strength, love and hugs.

 

You are always welcome my dear friend.

And to paraphrase Harrison Ford, "it's not the years, it's the mileage"

Cheers! 

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
7 minutes ago, KayC said:

Andy,

Good to hear from you here and that Irma has passed and you are safe.  

I truly wish for you all that your heart searches for.  You deserve it!

Thank you KayC, 

You are another beloved friend I've made here, without which I wouldn't be as "stable" as I am now. By the way, my power just cane back on at 7:30pm, east coast. I was right at 34 hours. Nothing to complain about considering the hardships of others, but now I have an empty refrigerator/freezer...

Love and hugs, 

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Andy,

So glad your power is back on!!  Maybe you could get an invite to your folks for dinner?  Just until you have time to shop.  You have a lot going on right now, I hope the roads are passable.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
42 minutes ago, Dian said:

Thank you Andy for your post, gives me hope that maybe there is some light at the end of the tunnel. :rolleyes:

Hello Dian, 

It's both nice and unfortunate to meet you. All things being relative as they are, I hope you're well and at a place of peace and clarity. 

The hours, days and weeks following the passing of my wife, I was at the edge of an abyss. Nothing was certain and my world was in ruins. I was grieving my wife, my daughter losing her mom, I was grieving for myself. Mind you, the sorrow still lives on, it always will. Now though, we have an understanding of sorts. I will allow it to run its course, break me down when necessary, but it will NOT define me. Shapes me, changed many perspectives, gave me horrible wisdom, but I put up the boundaries. As this change began, I started realizing that because of the way I happen to be, I would one day seek out a fellow traveler. I don't require social circles or status, but I must have my family, the trusted ear of true friendship, and, for lack of a better phrase, a "romantic" partner, (I feel cheesy just saying "romantic"). IF in the future, you decide or realize that you wish to find another "someone", know that it's more than possible. 

You already have part of this journey figured out, you "hope". That is the key piece in the puzzle that is your life. I've written here before that hope and possibility are the wind and road of my life. Without either, I see no point in anything. So keep "hope", do NOT let it go, keep it and it will keep you. 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
13 minutes ago, KayC said:

Andy,

So glad your power is back on!!  Maybe you could get an invite to your folks for dinner?  Just until you have time to shop.  You have a lot going on right now, I hope the roads are passable.

Mom ordered pizza! 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
19 hours ago, M88 said:

 

You're welcome, Andy.   That's what friends do :)    I often wonder how people survived such a loss as we have all experienced, and kept their sanity, pre-internet times.  

Your recent posts tell me that the return of a sense of humour is another indication of some healing having taken place.  Ancient relic from a bygone age at 45 !!! What?  ;)  I'll remind you, that I was 38 and Gerry 45 when we started dating and we went on to have 22 awesome years together.   

Strength, love and hugs.

 

I had to chuckle with Andy's post too! I was 32 and my husband 44 when we met. 25 years of happiness and unconditional love. And if I could, I would most definitely go back and do it all over, even with knowing the outcome.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Andy, You already know my prayers are with you and yours. Some of us who have been here longer, are growing and learning hard lessons together. We are always going to be grieving our respective losses, but we have also gained with strength, hard won difficult lessons, compassion, humbleness and an amazing grief family.:wub:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
23 hours ago, Andy said:

Hello Dian, 

It's both nice and unfortunate to meet you. All things being relative as they are, I hope you're well and at a place of peace and clarity. 

The hours, days and weeks following the passing of my wife, I was at the edge of an abyss. Nothing was certain and my world was in ruins. I was grieving my wife, my daughter losing her mom, I was grieving for myself. Mind you, the sorrow still lives on, it always will. Now though, we have an understanding of sorts. I will allow it to run its course, break me down when necessary, but it will NOT define me. Shapes me, changed many perspectives, gave me horrible wisdom, but I put up the boundaries. As this change began, I started realizing that because of the way I happen to be, I would one day seek out a fellow traveler. I don't require social circles or status, but I must have my family, the trusted ear of true friendship, and, for lack of a better phrase, a "romantic" partner, (I feel cheesy just saying "romantic"). IF in the future, you decide or realize that you wish to find another "someone", know that it's more than possible. 

You already have part of this journey figured out, you "hope". That is the key piece in the puzzle that is your life. I've written here before that hope and possibility are the wind and road of my life. Without either, I see no point in anything. So keep "hope", do NOT let it go, keep it and it will keep you. 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

Thank you Andy. Tonight has been rough, feeling very overwhelmed with all the responsibility of the house, yard , bills ,kids all while working full time and most of all missing my husband. Feeling sorry for myself I guess. I will try not to lose hope although today it is not within reach. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I'm happy you are on the right path! I hope to find that path someday too. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
4 hours ago, KMB said:

Andy, You already know my prayers are with you and yours. Some of us who have been here longer, are growing and learning hard lessons together. We are always going to be grieving our respective losses, but we have also gained with strength, hard won difficult lessons, compassion, humbleness and an amazing grief family.:wub:

And I think I speak for more than a few of us, I have gained a new family. And I love you all so very much. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
3 hours ago, Dian said:

Thank you Andy. Tonight has been rough, feeling very overwhelmed with all the responsibility of the house, yard , bills ,kids all while working full time and most of all missing my husband. Feeling sorry for myself I guess. I will try not to lose hope although today it is not within reach. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I'm happy you are on the right path! I hope to find that path someday too. 

I understand. Losing or having hope is fluid by its very nature. It's effected by events, our expectations, experiences, so many variables. The thing to keep within your heart, mind, spirit or all of these things, are possibilities. As long as you allow for this, hope will find its place. On days where all seems pointless or futile, my most pessimistic self will acknowledge that IF it's possible for something bad to happen, then something good MUST be possible also. You know that days will come that are filled with darkness and sadness, they're inevitable. You also know that we have very little control over the world around us. As much as I wanted my wife to make it that night, it wasn't enough. What you do have control over is how you choose to respond to this horrible loss. I chose to fight to carry on. Not "move on", that's absurd, but carry on, much as life moves on. My wife filled my life with possibilities, and my God we had a hell of a run. She was an exceptional human being who taught me how sacrifice, when done with pure love, isn't really a sacrifice, how patience will overcome anger, how giving yourself is the greatest gift you can give, to you. And she showed me that life is worth fighting for. And so, that's what I'll do. And you will to. Your children, your obligations and responsibilities, and ultimately, you, will focus the turmoil and sorrow that will reside within you. It's okay to be weak when you need to be weak. In our weakness we often discover great strength. You are going to be okay. You will find and keep "hope", whatever you need "hope" to be.

Peace and comfort,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.