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Andy

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10 hours ago, Andy said:

All she did was love and care for her family. That's all she ever wanted. She was all I ever wanted. 

That is the very basics of it all. I know you were encouraging me in your post above this last one. I thank you, Andy, for that. When I hit the lows, like this morning, I think of everyone on this forum and need that reminder that I'm not alone in my feelings.

When we meet our soulmates, we get this idealized vision in our mind of how we think our lives are going to play out. I know I did. Even though my husband was older than me, I still envisioned us going into old age together. Even with his health conditions, I went with the assumption that if we stuck to the medical protocol and with constant advancements being created by medical health professionals, he would make it to his late 70's. With that vision in my mind, that would have placed me into my late 60's and the knowledge I wouldn't have to wait too long to join him. Now, I'm looking at 20 to 30 years here yet. Those years appear so intimidating . I'd rather just keep at it one day at a time and just not think at all.

To get back to what I quoted from you--- That is what you and Tracie wanted and what Ed and I wanted. We loved our peaceful, nice life here on our country sanctuary and were content with that life. We were living our dream together. So sad it could not have lasted longer.

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22 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

"Grief is like being on the sidelines".

It's very much like that. :(
 

 

11 hours ago, Andy said:

Sometimes I literally hate myself for letting her down.

My dear Andy, I don't think you could ever let ANYONE down, it's not in you.  These are thoughts of grief, it's the grief speaking, I wish sometimes it didn't rear it's ugly head because when it does, it's so hard to take.  I felt that way when George died too.  I think we all have.  My prayer is that you find your way through this and come to the same realization that I have, that we did the best we knew to do, we're human, not superheros, we can't predict the future and we're not doctors.  I think they own more responsibility in this than we do.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

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Thank you for saying so, KayC, I try to keep my guilt complex and arms length, but it sneaks in from time to time. I know that I did okay taking care of my wife, the greatest validation I received through the years was her insistence that I be the one who cared for her. What I mean is that she didn't even want her own mother to help out, it was my job. Only MY mother got to pick up when my inability to always take her to dr appointments was an issue. Oh, she tried to get "her side" to help, either with herself or our daughter, but it was wasted effort. It broke my wife's heart, so she stopped asking. It was okay by me, I loved taking care of her, but it does anger me when I think about how she was marginalized by her family. Anyway, I'm rambling. 

I'm a mess writing this. I'll try later. 

Thank you KayC, you're always so compassionate and kind, a blessing to us all. Love and hugs, 

Andy

(apparently I had formed this yesterday yet I failed to hit the "submit" button. Wow, I'm not computer friendly) 

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I just wanted to say that my wife's birthday (July 8th), spent with my daughter at Stone Mountain Georgia, was the best day I've had since my wife passed away. My daughter and I both felt this way. It's late, I'm very tired after our day together, so I'd like to explain a little more sometimes soon. For now though, this has been a great experience and a wonderful day. Sadness was largely absent and that missing sensation of being "happy" was actually felt. 

Strength and peace, 

Andy

 

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Andy,

I'm so glad to hear that you and your daughter had a good day on your wife's birthday.  It's great when that happens!

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Andy, I also am glad that you and your daughter had a good day yesterday. We all need a good day once in awhile. I'd like to think that Tracie had a hand in making the positive energy happen for you and your daughter!:wub:

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Couldn't be happier for you Andy. Glad you got that ray of sunshine you've been looking for. Cherish those "happy" times as we know they can be few and far between.

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That's great Andy. How I long for a "happy" feeling again. My daughter finally booked her flight so she'll be coming home for a couple weeks at the end of the month. I can almost say I'm "happy" about it. I think when I finally see her and can give her a big hug I just may feel happy. Last time I hugged her was at the airport 2 days after Pat died. What a tear filled scene that was. This time it will be tears of "joy" !

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2 hours ago, HHFaith said:

This time it will be tears of "joy" !

Those tears WILL be of joy!  How could they not be? Love binds us with our children and their support and love helps in keeping us going.

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On 7/9/2017 at 0:19 PM, KMB said:

Andy, I also am glad that you and your daughter had a good day yesterday. We all need a good day once in awhile. I'd like to think that Tracie had a hand in making the positive energy happen for you and your daughter!:wub:

She did, she most certainly did. I could feel her moving through our day, always watchful and loving, as she always has been.

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12 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Couldn't be happier for you Andy. Glad you got that ray of sunshine you've been looking for. Cherish those "happy" times as we know they can be few and far between.

Indeed, it's been over 6 months since I've felt anything close to what we experienced Saturday. I certainly will cherish all of those moments of joy. Thank you so much.

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10 hours ago, HHFaith said:

That's great Andy. How I long for a "happy" feeling again. My daughter finally booked her flight so she'll be coming home for a couple weeks at the end of the month. I can almost say I'm "happy" about it. I think when I finally see her and can give her a big hug I just may feel happy. Last time I hugged her was at the airport 2 days after Pat died. What a tear filled scene that was. This time it will be tears of "joy" !

You will feel that happiness, I truly believe that. Pat, like Tracie, will not only be watching, he'll be guiding perhaps, or influencing the day, the environment, however it works. Just let it unfold without concrete expectations, adopt an almost relaxed state of mind. I know this sounds like "new age hippie crystal power dance around the maypole" type thing, but that's how it felt to me. It was just natural and "easy", if that makes sense? Anyway, I'll be thinking about you :-)

Andy

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8 hours ago, KMB said:

Those tears WILL be of joy!  How could they not be? Love binds us with our children and their support and love helps in keeping us going.

Very, very true. That love between parent and child has been a saving grace for me, I honestly don't know what state I'd be in without my daughter. 

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It's now the 11th of July. On this day, 25 years ago, Tracie and I were married at 11:00 am, and spent the next 24 years, 5 months, 20 days, 2 hours and 42 minutes by each other's side. Through young love, children, sickness, heartache and joy, the contentment of growing closer as the years passed by, becoming closer as friends, husband and wife. As all those years came and went, I knew that no matter the troubles we faced, whatever disasters landed at our door, I would always be okay. Tracie was by my side, holding me up, telling me that "it'll be okay", like she always did. I would've given my life for her, I would gladly spend the rest of my days carrying her, caring for her, protecting and providing for her the best I could. She was the single most devoted mother I'd ever known, her baby girl was the world to her, being mom her greatest joy. I was, I am, and will always be completely in love with my wife. She tolerated and indulged my insufferable hobbies and interests, allowing me to be who I am, never complaining or judging. In the midst of her suffering she only thought of her family, their happiness her only concern. I'll never be the same without her, my life will never be as full as it once was, but I must keep in mind that my life would never have been half as rich without her. I'm a much better person now because of her kindness, self sacrifice, patience and of course, choosing me to love. I'll spend the rest of my life trying my best to honor and live up to her faith in me. She told me often that she didn't know what she'd do without me, that she was grateful for me and the care I gave her. I don't know how good I was, but I tried my best. I'm going to keep trying my best. 

Tracie, happy anniversary my sweet darling. I miss you so much and my heart is breaking. I'd give anything for a last kiss or a walk together, hand in hand. I know that can't happen, but in my heart, where I keep all of our moments, we will walk there, together, until I meet you again on the white shores. Ours was too little time, our story unfinished, but the path shall not grow cold, it'll be ours once again. Forever and always you'll remain in my heart, my love for you undying and timeless. Thank you for the life you gave me, for this wonderful marriage and so many beautiful memories, thank you for saying "yes" and allowing me to share my life with you. I miss you my sweet wife, and I love you more than you'll ever know.

Ever faithful, your husband, 

Andy

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Andy my face is all cover by tears by reading you, this bittersweet sensation of feeling so understood but at the same time wishing no one else have to go through this terrible pain and grieve of losing someone you love. Love is what remains, I believe that the core of everything good that exist is love, and the love you have for each other is the most beautiful thing that could ever exist in the life of both of you, when Mario died, I wondered so many times what happens with all the love I have towards him and I friend come closer and told me: love have no limits, it goes through everything -even death-. So I know, I strongly believe the love, all the love you have for her, she is feeling it, and she is in joy by knowing that you will always love her, and she is loving you back, and I know you still feel her love, and you always will. I cant tell how lucky you are, I could only spent 10 beautiful and wonderful months of my life with Mario, you spent wonderful 25 years, you are blessed, you are so blessed for that time. Those memories with her are your paradise with her, and NO ONE can ever get you out of there, memories are our treasures.

Even if we feel so misunderstood, I am telling you, I understand what you are saying, I loved Mario the same way she loves you, and I know most of us can relate with your feelings. I wish I could hug, we are here for you.

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Beautiful, heart-felt words, Andy.  I'm glad you and Tracie found each other all those years ago and shared such love filled, satisfying years together.  

Sending strength, love & hugs.

 

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Andy,

Words are never more powerful and true than when spoken from the heart. Your love for your wife will never die as our finite bodies do. You realize that she made you a better man(and I suspect you made her a better woman) and you plan to honor that with your life as best you can. THAT is what true love is. THAT is what all of us ever hope and dream for. THAT is what few ever experience in life. I am praying for you today that you will be filled with her love, her presence, and the precious memories that you spent 25 years building.

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Ka9219, 

Thank you for your kindness. It's deeply appreciated and on this day, very much needed. I too believe, I know, love is stronger than death, it transcends this mortal realm, lifts us with a higher truth. Today is much harder than I had hoped for, I should've known better. Missing her is breaking me all over again. But that's okay. I'd rather have these 27 years worth of memories than a 1000 with anyone else. 

I'd gladly take that hug. Love and peace,

Andy

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M88,

Thabk you! As always you're so very sweet and kind. I was the one so blessed, so fortunate to have had this life. It's been both wonderful and tragic, but I wouldn't trade a minute with her for anything. 

Love and hugs,

Andy

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HHFaith,

I'm so glad your daughter will be coming home!  I get very little time with my kids, not much in the way of quality time, I miss that so much.  What a difference it can make to have someone to spend some time with that loves you and you enjoy!  All too many of us are going through this alone.  And I think of all of those who don't have kids, those who are young, or those for whom it never happened, I can only hope for close friends to come into your lives, someone who gives you a moment of enjoyment and connection.

Andy,

I hear you address your Tracie, and I hear the love that exists.  I was married to my kids' dad for 23 years, we never had that, never spoke of each other that way.  It was "Can you pick up the milk?  Do you want me to drive the kids tonight?"  That is the extent of our "love/communication", all surface level.  No matter how I tried, I couldn't change it.  I listen to you speak of Tracie, and the love is palpable, it is what George and I had.  We were only married a few years, but how happy we were!  My daughter was telling me how angry her husband would get at home, and I said, "George never got angry with me or yelled at me, not once.  Our home was his safe haven."  She said I was very lucky, I think so too.  I just wish everyone could experience this love.  Of course it hurts like the dickens when we lose them.  Then we pay, but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat!

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I wanted to put down some thoughts, express a few things before I lose sight of "now". I haven't been as active here as I'd like, life has accelerated and I'm doing a lot of catching up, but my desire is to return as I once was. I miss the insight and fellowship that I find nowhere else. 

Its been anout a week since our 25th wedding anniversary, and my emotional state has sort of "leveled" off. The sense of grief induced dread has faded along with our anniversary, and the constant, driving pain has also retreated to a more manageable place. I don't know if this is yet another phase of sorts or an entirely new direction. Perhaps it's a glimpse of what my new reality looks like, a dull, not quite gray landscape, filled with bleak repetition. While I don't cry near as often, and I certainly don't break down as rapidly, that familiar sorrow is still there, still lurking about. I don't fear it though, not like I once did. I also have experienced a certain comfort of joy as I begin to understand and define my wife's essence as it exists now. It's with a certainty that I now confide and speak with her, not so much the desperation of a pleading heart looking for signs that she is still with me, but with a confidence that not only is she with me, but she's okay, we're okay, all things will be okay. I can't explain it, not clearly I'm afraid. It's "knowing", beyond feel, beyond simple knowledge, it's part of me. It's literally a part of my being, no different than an experience or a memory, but alive with awareness. If I sound like I've drifted into the esoteric or some extreme spiritual or paranormal mumbo jumbo, then I apologize, it's my inability to explain rather than my actual feelings. When I talk to my wife, I still hurt, I miss her and long for her to be by my side, but the understanding I feel is that she is indeed with me. Speaking with me using words is not what I have experienced, I don't know that she has or can reply, but I just feel it in my soul that she hears me. One the things I miss most is having her there to listen to me, so this is a great comfort to me. I'm sure it could be rationalized away by stating that since I so desperately miss her and so desperately need her to listen, then my psyche has created a mechanism by which this is possible, self delusion or something akin to it. I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything, this is simply how it is, how this works in my reality. 

I still try each day to find something that will act as a conduit for happiness, joy, reasons to seek these things out. I feel close some days, not so much others. Isolation and loneliness are still major obstacles, friends not so friendly, not their fault, they have their own lives to worry about. Not going to give up though, I won't do that. 

My daughter is still doing fairly good. To be young again...  She misses her mom, always will, but like myself, her coping has gotten better, not so many nights spent crying herself to sleep. I think she will continue to grow and become the person she needs to be, the person her mother and I knows she can be. 

For now, that's what I felt like I needed to share. I want to get my thoughts down in a place where my fellow travelers will both understand and forgive my crazy ideas. God bless all you, my friends all,

Andy

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2 hours ago, Andy said:

as I begin to understand and define my wife's essence as it exists now. It's with a certainty that I now confide and speak with her, not so much the desperation of a pleading heart looking for signs that she is still with me, but with a confidence that not only is she with me, but she's okay, we're okay, all things will be okay. I can't explain it, not clearly I'm afraid. It's "knowing", beyond feel, beyond simple knowledge, it's part of me. It's literally a part of my being, no different than an experience or a memory, but alive with awareness.

I totally get it, Andy. Words cannot express that "inner knowing", that "awareness". I feel so strongly that my hubby is watching me, protecting me and hearing me. I still write him a letter every night. I get this feeling of calmness coming over me like he is looking over my shoulder and seeing what I write. It isn't easy to express but I stay in spiritual tune with him. The only possible way to stay connected.

Does my heart good to hear your daughter is doing as well as can be expected. She does have youth and the resiliency young people are fortunate to have, on her side. She WILL grow into a beautiful woman, inside and out, due to her beautiful, loving parents. From Heaven, Tracie will always be watching over her family.

Thank you for sharing, Andy. God is walking with you along your journey, along all our journeys.

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Andy,

Part of it may be your daughter's youth, but part of it is that she lost her mother, not a spouse, it's different.  We expect to lose our parents, but we don't think we'll lose our spouse until we're old, this catches us way off guard.  I lost my dad when I was 29 and pregnant with my first child.  I felt gypped that my dad would not get to be a grandpa like he wanted.  I felt gypped that my kids wouldn't get to know him.  But it doesn't come close to losing my husband.  It had been 12 years since I'd lived with my dad, he wasn't a part of my everyday existence like my husband was, I didn't count on him to meet my needs or share my innermost thoughts with.  I realize your daughter is closer to you and younger, so it may hit her harder, it's impossible to compare losses anyway, but even so, it's not the same as YOUR loss.  Your wife will continue to be proud of her.  It was hard for me going to my son's wedding without George, going to his college graduations with George, being there in the hospital as his children were born without George, going to the open house he had when he bought his home, again, always, without George.  But maybe, just maybe, George was able to get a glimpse of what was going on, maybe he was there, unseen by us all, sharing in his victories.  I don't know how all that works...was he there when my daughter got married?  And now that she's lost her baby and her husband left her, does he see that as well?  The bible says there's no more tears in heaven...so if they can see what's going on, how can there be no more tears?  Is it because they know what the final outcome will be, that things will work out?  I don't know, but perhaps.

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I believe that sorrow doesn't follow them to the hereafter precisely for that reason, KayC. They see the "big picture". It all makes sense for them, at least more than it does for us. I'm sure the echoes of sadness exist, but I doubt the utter sadness and despair we feel crosses over. Anyway, that's how I've come to accept things, and it's good enough for me. 

Thank you KMB and KayC both for your thoughts. As always, you are so appreciated and cherished as friends. 

Love and hugs,

Andy

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bradley1985
On 7/19/2017 at 5:48 PM, Andy said:

Its been anout a week since our 25th wedding anniversary, and my emotional state has sort of "leveled" off. The sense of grief induced dread has faded along with our anniversary, and the constant, driving pain has also retreated to a more manageable place. I don't know if this is yet another phase of sorts or an entirely new direction. Perhaps it's a glimpse of what my new reality looks like, a dull, not quite gray landscape, filled with bleak repetition. While I don't cry near as often, and I certainly don't break down as rapidly, that familiar sorrow is still there, still lurking about. I don't fear it though, not like I once did. I also have experienced a certain comfort of joy as I begin to understand and define my wife's essence as it exists now. It's with a certainty that I now confide and speak with her, not so much the desperation of a pleading heart looking for signs that she is still with me, but with a confidence that not only is she with me, but she's okay, we're okay, all things will be okay. I can't explain it, not clearly I'm afraid. It's "knowing", beyond feel, beyond simple knowledge, it's part of me. It's literally a part of my being, no different than an experience or a memory, but alive with awareness. If I sound like I've drifted into the esoteric or some extreme spiritual or paranormal mumbo jumbo, then I apologize, it's my inability to explain rather than my actual feelings. When I talk to my wife, I still hurt, I miss her and long for her to be by my side, but the understanding I feel is that she is indeed with me. Speaking with me using words is not what I have experienced, I don't know that she has or can reply, but I just feel it in my soul that she hears me. One the things I miss most is having her there to listen to me, so this is a great comfort to me. I'm sure it could be rationalized away by stating that since I so desperately miss her and so desperately need her to listen, then my psyche has created a mechanism by which this is possible, self delusion or something akin to it. I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything, this is simply how it is, how this works in my reality. 

Thanks for this share Andy,

Its been about 11 days since our anniversary date.  Like you I started trying to do some things and got "busy" and was not able to post on this website.  I have more going on today than I did several months ago.  Thats for sure.  I strongly identify with your statement above which I bolded.  A glimpse of a new reality is the perfect statement.  I have told a few people this past week that I can possibly see a way or path to move forward.  Not a pleasant path, but a path nevertheless.  But it comes in glimpses, then retreats, then appears again, then retreats, while leaving me in a rollercoaster of emotions up and down.  I too have quit crying as much and certainly dont break down as rapidly.  But for me the glimpses dont look happy or joyful or even appear to have the possibility of happiness in them.  They are just glimpses of moving on with a life and business and meetings and talking to people, etc in a life that feels "finished" and "forever incomplete" to me.  That said I do occassionally see glimpses that it is possible to "live" again but these are very wierd and strange visions that may be based more in fantasy than reality. And it seems like I dont know the character in those visions that is supposed to be me.  i still dont care much about going on but I do.  Every day I still get up and do things.  But also every day I still beg for this nightmare to end.

I talk to my wife quite a lot but I dont really know if she hears me or not.  I can only hope so.  My identity was so wrapped up in "us" I don't really have a "me".  It was "our" dream to move to thailand.  It was "our" dream to start a business here.  It was "our" life of exploration.  I have never really been a happy person and now that she is gone I see my pre-wife unhappiness returning in spades since I now know what I am missing.  I tried to go socialize last night and lasted 3 hours.  Getting better at that (not saying enjoying).  But when it was over everything just seemed so futile again.  I remember these conversations about how much a house cost, is there a swimming pool, what part of town is it in, etc.  Listening to this garbage just re-inforces how meaningless I already believe life to be without my wife.  I think I was able to last the three hours because we discussed a bit of language stuff and talked about food.  If I wasnt at least giving a half measure towards learning the language here I would have zero purpose and surely would have died by now.   

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Bradley,

This is quite a process, isn't it.  No way to explain it to people.  Eventually you'll find "you", I do know what you mean, that's how it was with us too.  The grey dull life you see may well describe it, but there will be color here and there along the way.  I've learned to carry my grief with me and coexist with it, it's here to stay but it's ever-evolving.

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Bradley,  Keep hanging in there with us. This is the hardest trial of our lives and it can only makes us stronger, more compassionate, appreciative of the love and memories that we can hold onto of our soulmates that were a gift to us for a short time. If we can survive this greatest, most painful loss, we can survive anything else life throws at us. Someday, our time will come to an end here also, and our reward will be that reunion with our soulmates. Until then, we just have to grit our teeth, take one day at a time and do the best we can.  (HUGS)

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I'm missing my wife right now, as always, but it's come back with a vengeance. I ventured out with a local Jeep club, first time, and of all places this charity event was held, it was at the children's home from which we had adopted our oldest daughter from. While there, I felt nothing. I felt no connections with anyone, I experienced very little joy. I didn't realize it at the time, I thought it was just being the new guy. I believe, however, it was because my wife is supposed to be with me. She's supposed to be here, now, not gone and having left me alone. She would be here if she could, but she can't, and I'm still lost without her. I'm sitting up in bed, looking at her pillow, a pillow that should be cradling her head as she sleeps. 24 years she slept next to me. She's gone, she's really gone and I need her so much and I miss her and love her and hurt. This hurts so much, I'll go on missing her the rest of my life and there's nothing I can do. Nothing. I can't go to her, I can't call her or beg for one final goodbye, I can't see her hold my daughter or smile at me and I don't want to feel this tomorrow or next week or ten years from now, but I will. It will never stop. I'll go a week, a month, maybe six months where it'll be okay, but it will come back and hurt all over again.

I miss her so much I don't know what I'm going to do. Without her, who's going to care for me? Who's going to tell me that they love me? I was supposed to take care of her forever and what do I do? What do I do without her? I don't know how to be.

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Andy, your pain is palpable, every time I read what you wrote I feel your pain, I wish I could take it away. I also wish I could answer all your questions but I keep asking some alike questions to myself, I wonder how I am suppose to "keep going", today my dad came closer and told me that I needed to "start over" and I told that I knew, the thing is even knowing that I have to start doing things, I have no reason to do it. Before Mario came into my life I lived because "that's what people do: living" when I met Mario I found my reason to life and dream, now that he is gone I have nothing, no one to make proud, no one to share success with, I have no one...

Last Thursday I went to a walk with Mario's family, when we arrived my first thought was: Mario should be here, looking at this beautiful place, holding my hand. There was a beautiful place, but there wasn't beauty for me, 'cause what made my experiences something worth living was Mario, so I understand when you said: "She's supposed to be here", yeah they suppose to be here with us, living, sharing, being happy, enjoying, holding us...

I wish I could tell you something that might bring some peace to your heart, but we both know the only thing who could bring us some peace and hope are our love ones, but they went away to a place we can't hug them or kiss them.

This is the place we went, Mario deserved to know that place, but it seems life didn't allow it 

 

20170720_122503.jpg

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Hearing your heart's cry, Andy, makes me realize all the more how we share in this grief that people can't possibly get if they don't experience it themselves...and we don't wish it on them.  People think there's something wrong with us if they see us grieve years after, but there's nothing wrong with us, our spouse is still gone.  Grief doesn't have an expiration date.

After my ill-fated trip to the doctor a couple of days ago, I had a meltdown wanting my mom...she's been gone three years!  Boy, that took me by surprise!  But I felt so broken, so alone, I knew she'd understand, after all, she was widowed and alone for 32 years after my dad died.

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Andy, I wish had words that would help, but, we know there are none. The emotional cycle of missing and wanting our loved ones with us, is never ending. It is not a comfortable way to live with this heart ache, no choice in the matter.  On the other hand, some people do make a choice. They say" F---it", block their mind and heart and move on with a hard, bitter attitude.Going about it in that way is only going to bite them in the butt down the road. Can't block emotions forever. A future trigger will crack those blocks and they will crash with the weight of emotions that have been held back. You, I, and everyone here, are dealing with our pain in a healthy way. Hurts more than pain should ever hurt, but we have each other's back here, our grief family.

I had a surprise visit yesterday afternoon. My husband's daughter finally came over. I haven't seen or talked to her since the week following her dad's passing. They were not all that close, but I knew she was grieving in her own way and decided not to push for contact. Time and patience won out. We got caught up with each other and then we ended up with the nitty, gritty emotions of her missing her dad and me, my husband. She had been so scared of coming out here, so scared of facing the reality that her dad isn't here, like he always was. We did some crying together, which was good for the both of us. We had both been carrying the extra burden of non-communication all these months and it is finally gone.

My prayers going out to you, Andy. This is such a tough, painful journey forced on us. A lot of stumbling, falling, picking ourselves back up, but, we will survive somehow.  (HUGS)

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bradley1985
21 hours ago, Andy said:

I'm missing my wife right now, as always, but it's come back with a vengeance. I ventured out with a local Jeep club, first time, and of all places this charity event was held, it was at the children's home from which we had adopted our oldest daughter from. While there, I felt nothing. I felt no connections with anyone, I experienced very little joy. I didn't realize it at the time, I thought it was just being the new guy. I believe, however, it was because my wife is supposed to be with me. She's supposed to be here, now, not gone and having left me alone. She would be here if she could, but she can't, and I'm still lost without her. I'm sitting up in bed, looking at her pillow, a pillow that should be cradling her head as she sleeps. 24 years she slept next to me. She's gone, she's really gone and I need her so much and I miss her and love her and hurt. This hurts so much, I'll go on missing her the rest of my life and there's nothing I can do. Nothing. I can't go to her, I can't call her or beg for one final goodbye, I can't see her hold my daughter or smile at me and I don't want to feel this tomorrow or next week or ten years from now, but I will. It will never stop. I'll go a week, a month, maybe six months where it'll be okay, but it will come back and hurt all over again.

I miss her so much I don't know what I'm going to do. Without her, who's going to care for me? Who's going to tell me that they love me? I was supposed to take care of her forever and what do I do? What do I do without her? I don't know how to be.

I feel this with a vengeance.  I hear things she used to say to me in my head over and over.  Not new things like she is talking to me but old things she used to say.  All the conversations we used to have I hear them again and again.  I still think I see her (not for real) but in pictures and billboards all over the place.  I am going crazy.  Its like my mind wants to keep on living with her talking to me but about things in the past, not as if she is with me.  A lot of the things I do I think I am doing for us.  But at the end of the day there is no us.  Just me.   I say the statement "she would be here if she could"  all the time.   I cant listen to music or I want to die.  Last night I heard our song in a shopping mall and I finally decided there is no way out of this.  There just isn't any and never going to be a solution.   I have quit crying so much and quit sobbing and now I am just mostly in permanent unrelenting anger with occasional bouts of pure depression.

I am living on earth permanently abondoned by the one person I needed (not by her choice obviosly) while everyone I dont need remains.  There is no crueler punishment.  I look in the mirror and see a man who has no life and never will.  This is my "awakening".  I am awakening to a life of hell.  This earth is now just a continual waste of my time.  It makes me consistently wonder how the afterlife could be worse than this.  There is no way.  God has written a script, and continues to write a script for a character I cannot and will not play.  He has robbed me of my life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness.

 

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21 hours ago, KMB said:

She had been so scared of coming out here, so scared of facing the reality that her dad isn't here, like he always was.

I imagine it was hard for her to see the reality of his being gone...kind of hard to pretend he's just "away" when she comes to your home and sees his absence.  I'm glad she finally came over and visited you.

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Bradley,

I read your posts and feel your pain, the pain of reality having sunk in, of what's left.  I wish I could say something, anything, to lighten your day, but alas I know this script all too well, it is my life.  I've learned to do the best I can with it, but it rings hollow in comparison to what was, I mostly try not to go there, try not to compare, try not to think about that, it all feels far removed now anyway.  

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9 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

I am living on earth permanently abondoned by the one person I needed (not by her choice obviosly) while everyone I dont need remains.  There is no crueler punishment.  I look in the mirror and see a man who has no life and never will.  This is my "awakening".  I am awakening to a life of hell.  This earth is now just a continual waste of my time. 

 

That's what people don't understand. We are changed. We are different. We cannot ever be the person we were the day before our loved one died. I look in the mirror and wonder who it is that's staring back at me, because he sure isn't the Sean from before 04/01/17. To add to the pressure, everyone wants the old Sean back. I've got news for them, the old Sean died on 04/01/17. The new(and not improved) Sean just kind of stumbles around doing his best to make it to the next minute. Sorry everyone, that's the best version of Sean you're gonna get. If you want the old Sean you're gonna have to look him up in the history books.

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KayC, Yes, it was hard for my stepdaughter to be here, facing her reality. Things happen in their perfect timing and she was grateful that she finally took that step. We sat out on the deck. Her dad's favorite spot, for sitting in the peace of the outdoors and listening to the birds. When we first sat down, a tiny butterfly circled the both of us for a bit. I could feel the tingling waves throughout my body, that I take as a sign that my husband is with me. Towards the end of our visit and the crying spell, that tiny butterfly came back to circle us a few times again.

bradley1985, I am so sorry for your pain. I understand. It is continuous, unrelenting. No solution .I wish I could say something to bring you some comfort, but I cannot even do that for myself. This is our new normal, existing with our loss and pain, the total reality that it is not a nightmare we are ever going to wake up from.

Eagle-96,

3 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

That's what people don't understand. We are changed. We are different. We cannot ever be the person we were the day before our loved one died.

So very true. That truth hurts so very much because I liked the person I was before. She died with her husband. I'm only the physical shell with a shattered mind, broken heart, stumbling to make it through each day until my number is called up.

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Thank you all who were kind enough to reply. All of your thoughts are touching and comforting. I'm slow at replying, life has other plans at the moment, but I still come back to "see" you all when I can. Hopefully things will settle and I'll be back more consistently. 

I'm better than I have been these last few days. My daughters having a difficult patch, so I'm having to set aside my grief to be dad. And that's okay, gives me purpose, reminds me that I have work yet to do. Which brings me to something I've been thinking about. We all have a tendency to believe that without our beloveds, we are worthless or a best have a minimal contribution towards life. While we may feel that way, and we sometimes give into that notion, I don't think it's true. I would never assume that if I had passed away that my wife no longer has value. Her purpose, her identity, her value was tied to me and only me. I'd hate her thinking that, it would break my heart. Tracie allowed me to grow, to become something better, to be the best father I could be, to embrace life. Am I not those things anymore? Did I regress into a sub human capable of only basic survival? Maybe, but I hope not. If I'm not the person my wife helped me become, then what was the point? I hope it's those strengths and faith she had in me that helps carry me through. And to all of you who "feel" this way, I understand all too well, but you all have value and purpose and things to offer. Never think you're less of a person, I think rather that each and everyone of us are BETTER than we were before our beloveds came into our lives. We are more, we know love and loss, and those things, whether we like it or not, make us stronger, more understanding, sadly wiser, and much more appreciative of how precious life is. And how fleeting everything is. Your life, my life, will never be the same, may never feel the things we once felt, but it doesn't have to end. My wife doesn't want me miserable or stuck in misery, she wants me trying. I'm going to always try. On the real bad days I'm going to take a break and sleep. All the other days though, I'm going to keep at it. 

Here's to all the wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, and to us, the ones left behind, may we all find tomorrow a little better than today and may love guide us to our "tomorrows". 

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bradley1985
11 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I've got news for them, the old Sean died on 04/01/17.

I say this in my head all the time.  Whoever I was is gone and he will never come back.  I feel like I am a muted, reduced person now.  I can probably have some kind of life but my real life, the life of my dreams,  is over now.  Some of my self confidence is starting to return slowly as it was completely obliterated for the first six months.  But the guy who was interested in this and interested in that and made jokes about this or made jokes about that is completely gone.  My interests, if they return, will not be the same and will shift.  I can tell this because some of my previous interests seem almost repulsive now, like playing video games and watching lots of movies.  This now seems like the greatest waste of time on earth.  Same with pets.

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1 hour ago, Andy said:

Which brings me to something I've been thinking about. We all have a tendency to believe that without our beloveds, we are worthless or a best have a minimal contribution towards life. While we may feel that way, and we sometimes give into that notion, I don't think it's true. I would never assume that if I had passed away that my wife no longer has value. Her purpose, her identity, her value was tied to me and only me. I'd hate her thinking that, it would break my heart. Tracie allowed me to grow, to become something better, to be the best father I could be, to embrace life. Am I not those things anymore? Did I regress into a sub human capable of only basic survival? Maybe, but I hope not.

I think about this often as well.  I dont know how to get around this though.  I do feel substantially reduced without her here.  I was laying here thinking about a day ago that I cant give her anything EXCEPT to try to incorporate what she taught me into my life.  Other than flowers that is really the only thing I can give to her now.  But living a life to try to incorporate her teachings into my life and try to feel like a "greater" person seems like 20 levels below a consolation prize.  My confidence is on the rise again and I am sure I can attribute that to her.  She didnt love a piece of crap.  I am sure of that. 

However, my anger at this situation is also on the rise.  This past week, on average though, was probably my best week.  I even got 10 hours of sleep one night.  I feel like I am now bailing out more water from the hull of a sinking ship.  The ship is now sinking at a slower rate.  Sometimes I even feel if I am bailing more water out than is coming in and can steer again. But those periods are ephemeral.  But somehow I always go back to that place of not wanting to be here.  And thats easy enough to see why.  I come home to an empty house, cant watch tv, cant play music, and all the talk and laughter that was once here is gone. 

 

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1 hour ago, Andy said:

Here's to all the wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, and to us, the ones left behind, may we all find tomorrow a little better than today and may love guide

You are very much appreciated and needed here, Andy. Your postings are well written with much thought and soul searching. Besides giving us inspiration and hope, you are giving to your own healing heart as well.   (HUGS)

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Andy you wrote with your heart and with your soul, I always end up crying when I read you because I feel touched by your words: they're filled with love and wisdom. I wish I could honor Mario in the way you are honoring your wife with those thoughts, she must be so proud of you right now, and Indeed, if I had been the one who died I couldn't stand the idea of thinking that Mario's life become some sort of "zombie life" just going day by day "surviving" and not been happy, so I guess he may think the same. But is easier said than done.

But how can I be happy after a tragedy, he wasn't sick, he was young, his body has just a super little scratch, he was there laid in that hospital bed, he just had to open his eyes and hold me, 'cause he looked as if he was asleep, but the doctors said he was already gone, how can I "understand". How can my heart understand that? How can I be happy after a tragedy, is not that I am not going to be the same, is that I am destroyed, I feel like I am going crazy I feel I've been punished so hard, if he had to leave, why in that horrible way? First asphyxia, then brain death, he didn't deserve that, how can I carry all of this in my heart and be happy?

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11 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

This now seems like the greatest waste of time on earth.  Same with pets.

It makes me wince to hear this.  My dog is my incentive to keep going.  Without which I don't know what I'd do, I hate to think about it.  He is goofy enough to make me smile, loving enough to make me want to stick around, and I have to get up every day to feed him.  I can't imagine life without him, but then I couldn't imagine life without George.  Life can be cruel, we have to take whatever good there is, and right now, my good is my dog.  Even my grumpy independent cat.

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Andy,

You're inspirational.  I know you have your down days, we all do.  But you try to be positive, thank you for that.  I know it's hard.

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11 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

I say this in my head all the time.  Whoever I was is gone and he will never come back.  I feel like I am a muted, reduced person now.  I can probably have some kind of life but my real life, the life of my dreams,  is over now.  Some of my self confidence is starting to return slowly as it was completely obliterated for the first six months.  But the guy who was interested in this and interested in that and made jokes about this or made jokes about that is completely gone.  My interests, if they return, will not be the same and will shift.  I can tell this because some of my previous interests seem almost repulsive now, like playing video games and watching lots of movies.  This now seems like the greatest waste of time on earth.  Same with pets.

I really wish people understood this about us. Maybe it's hard for them to fathom that 50% of our identity is gone forever. HALF of us was taken in the blink of an eye. They don't realize that no matter how hard we try. No matter how much we wish. We can't even approach being the person we were before. And the kicker is that it wasn't a gradual change. We were altered in an instant. We became different people in the snap of a finger. It makes me sad to think of how Lori would be changed and who she would have become if I had died instead of her. We might regain some of who we were but not enough for people to recognize us. I've lost interest in the things that brought me joy before 04/01/17. Things that once made me smile elicit only a passing thought now. One relative(out of many) has abandoned me and said some pretty rough things to me and I just don't care. The old Sean would have tried to fix it. Tried to make it right. This Sean has neither the time nor the energy to muster a care. I don't like this new Sean very much. He has a short temper. He doesn't always answer the phone when people who truly care call. He doesn't care if people like him or not. He wouldn't care if he got hit by a bus. I wish I wasn't this new Sean but I didn't have a say so.

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On 7/25/2017 at 8:39 AM, Eagle-96 said:

Things that once made me smile elicit only a passing thought now. One relative(out of many) has abandoned me and said some pretty rough things to me and I just don't care. The old Sean would have tried to fix it. Tried to make it right. This Sean has neither the time nor the energy to muster a care. I don't like this new Sean very much. He has a short temper. He doesn't always answer the phone when people who truly care call. He doesn't care if people like him or not. He wouldn't care if he got hit by a bus. I wish I wasn't this new Sean but I didn't have a say so.

There really isnt any joy or happiness in anything.  There is just "doing".  I know people dont understand this.  I have had advice over and over to do things I like to do, "like" being the key operative word here.  My sister thinks I should "enjoy" going to a movie. Sorry, nope. Most things I "liked" are no longer likeable.  Sure I would rather eat something I "like" rather than eat something I "dislike" or I would rather be talking in a meeting as opposed to waiting in a line to pay a bill.  But these are "preferences" more than "likes" or "enjoyment".  I used to like going to the beach.  Now that sounds god awful.  For what?  To remember what could have been?  I can extrapolate this to almost any activity. 

There is no doubt I am getting used to living a life without my wife.  I am getting used to having very little to look forward too and the things I do look forward too I would never even dream of doing if my wife was alive because I didnt enjoy doing them.  So in a nutshell,  in my new life the only things I have to look forward too are things I hated to do and wouldnt even dream of doing when my wife was alive.  The things I enjoyed when my wife was alive are now either nearly torture or seem completely pointless.  What a deal.

My therapist told me to concentrate and try to build the business my wife and I started together and that making money, designing clothes, providing a service and honoring her all at the same time would help.  However,  I cant even do that appearantly not that it would be as "enjoyable" as she seemed to believe it would be.  But it would have given me an avenue to express my designs and ideas to the world.  In more of gods infinite wisdom he has decided for me that nobody should produce our stuff.  The folks we worked with for years wont make our things.  All of the sudden.  I wish I could say the blockages or door closing is an opening for another opportunity but after 4 years I have learned this is not how god works for me.  He just screws you over and over and over.   The death of my wife was all the evidence I needed.  All this additional is just continual proof of what I already know.

 

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Thank you all for your words, they continue to encourage, inspire and motivate. They allow me to see some of my own "thoughts" from different angles, perspectives born of experiences not my own, but still familiar. 

As another week passes me by, I've come to think of other things, processing my grief in what I consider "better" ways. My anger, while at times bubbling over, doesn't have the hold it once did. My relationship with the divine is still complicated, but as resolute as ever, I realize with cold reason the every single person on this planet will die and the the billions of people who have existed are no longer here. Entire civilizations have vanished, cities, towns, families, all of them gone. It's not so much the passing, rather the timing or manner of the passing. I believe my wife deserved another 50 years, 100 years, a 1000, but 42 1/2 was all she got. My moms infant son (I'm adopted) passed away 2 weeks after being born. My grandfather passed at 92. My mom is the kindest, most generous human being I've ever met. My dad equally as kind and giving. I'm sure at some point (I don't ask) my parents felt anger, betrayal, even guilt after the loss of their only born son. Somehow, someway, they got through it, eventually finding me and making a life. I don't blame God or anyone, this world is as imperfect as we are. This was never a paradise, just a ball of mud with moments of beauty and the glory of true love and compassion. We live, do the best we can, try to take nothing for granted, hopefully leave things a little better than when we arrived. My wife did, and she did to her fullest. She dared love me, she brought me a daughter, was absolutely devoted as a mother, cherished as a wife, adored as a daughter and sister, beloved by friends. What better things can I say? My wife left ME better than she found me, and I thank God for that. Some might question that I thank God but I don't blame him. Fair enough. I don't believe he's snapping his fingers and dropping people like flies, I just think it's the nature of existence. We get sick and die, we have an accident and die, we get hit by a car and die, go to war and die, and some grow old and die. I "feel" like my wife's passing wasn't fair, but I "know" fair has nothing to do with it. Death is neither just or unjust, it's part of life. It tells us to love, to live, to matter, to fight, to not squander the unknown amount of time that we have, because it comes for us all. I want her back, I miss her terribly, I cry thinking about days gone and a future erased, and I'd give anything, do anything, to give my daughter her mom back. But she's not coming back, so I have to, I HAVE to do something else instead. She made me better so I need to go be better. I'm trying. I want to be better for her, for my daughter, for me. And I think I will. 

My wife always, without exception, believed in me. That's reason enough to keep going. 

Love to you all,

Andy

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Words of deep feeling and thought, well written with heart and willingly shared to us all.

37 minutes ago, Andy said:

My wife always, without exception, believed in me. That's reason enough to keep going. 

We can all relate on that sentiment. Much thanks and love, Andy. We will make it through our journey here.

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1 hour ago, Andy said:

This was never a paradise, just a ball of mud with moments of beauty and the glory of true love and compassion

I don't know if this inappropriate, but have you ever think about writing? You can express yourself better than anyone, your words carry a tone of emotions, I always end up crying when I read because I feel every single thing you are feeling because your words are meaningful and filled with feelings. Every time after I read your post I found myself in deep thoughts, thinking and feeling everything you said, and most of all, takes me out of the dark place I am currently. By expressing yourself you are helping all of us, giving us something good to think, a little bit of hope in is this terrible and sad journey.

As you said this is not a paradise, if I am not wrong I read once a quote: -Paradise is not a place, my paradise is you- I don't recall it very well but it was the main idea, our paradise is the moments and the love we share with our love one, love is what makes life worth living. But sadly our "human" nature is inherent to death, people die every day, by an infinite number of possibilities, today, out here, a brother, a sister, a wife, a boyfriend, a parents, a son, a daughter, a friend is dying, newborns, teenagers, young, adult and old people dies every day. And we cant do nothing but keep loving them.

We will learn to handle this.

I big hug for you, I know your wife is so proud of you because she sees how hard are you fighting back grieving, how strong are you becoming.

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8 hours ago, KMB said:

Words of deep feeling and thought, well written with heart and willingly shared to us all.

We can all relate on that sentiment. Much thanks and love, Andy. We will make it through our journey here.

Thank you KMB, yes, we will make it. How and what "making it" looks like will obviously vary depending on our expectations, our ability or willingness to accept new potentials, or perhaps just the passage of time. I know I have little control or influence over the world around me and my best efforts can be spent in vain, so with this in mind, I accept that I'm a small part in an immense drama, and I'll play my part. I'll do it the best I can, hopefully proving that as death holds no victory over my wife, it holds no influence over me, other than to remind me that all things are fleeting and nothing should be taken for granted. 

Life is terrible and hard, but my God, it is so beautiful and full of promise. We live in this place and making a life within these two realities is daunting in the best of times, but this is what we have. To each of you,  I wish hope and the thirst for life returns with renewed vigor and appreciations. 

Love,

Andy

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I know my wife changed me for the better. She made me the man I am today(well, before 04/01/17 anyway). And that man is more compassionate, more sympathetic, emotionally stronger, more humble, more giving, more confidant, an on and on and on. That Sean is gone but I am trying so hard to build him back. I am doing everything I can to make at least a reasonable facsimile of who Lori used to know. I want to be the man she married. I want to be the man she helped mold. I want to incorporate her values and decision making into my daily life. I want a lot of things for my new life. The problem is in turning desire into action. I shudder to think where I would be had we not met. Who would I be. What would the man staring back from the mirror look like(on the inside and out).

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