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Andy

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Hi Andy, I feel your pain and understand how tough it is to finalize yet another part of your partners life.  We here at Indigo, all understand.   I am yet to learn how to record Gerry's answer ph message on our landline.  I wonder if you have recorded your late wife's?  

One hour at a time, dear Andy.  

Periods of clock watching to confirm I'd put another painful hour behind me is still very clear in my mind.  I came to think of those hours as being another hour of healing behind me and anothernhour closer to this new chapter of my life - whatever that may bring. 

Sending you strength and hugs X

 

 

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4 hours ago, Andy said:

Saying goodbye again. Another piece of what was, has disappeared. Slowly, or maybe quickly, she's vanishing from the world.  

Yes all the additional goodbyes that seem to keep popping up are so painful. The more time that passes, the more it seems he is disappearing. It's a strange feeling. I still feel his presence but at the same time he's farther away. Hard to explain. Everything about this journey is strange.  All the changes make me sad. I am "moving forward" with my life in many ways, which I know is a good thing. But with each change I feel like I'm kind of leaving him behind and that makes me so sad. 

One of the big changes was that I went back to work this week. Started a new job. So many good things about it and I am "glad" to be there. But I just wish Pat was here to share it with. As I had mentioned before, I had started interviewing with them back in December before he died. So it's bittersweet. He used to say that I would get "that big fat job". I really think he was looking out for me through the whole process. This is Just another thing that makes me miss him so much. I loved his support through the tough times and I loved sharing good news with him too. Still hard to believe he's not here. 

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3 hours ago, M88 said:

Hi Andy, I feel your pain and understand how tough it is to finalize yet another part of your partners life.  We here at Indigo, all understand.   I am yet to learn how to record Gerry's answer ph message on our landline.  I wonder if you have recorded your late wife's?  

One hour at a time, dear Andy.  

Periods of clock watching to confirm I'd put another painful hour behind me is still very clear in my mind.  I came to think of those hours as being another hour of healing behind me and anothernhour closer to this new chapter of my life - whatever that may bring. 

Sending you strength and hugs X

 

 

M88,

Ahh, the voice mail. I couldn't figure it out, my state of mind wasn't exactly in the "pay attention to the instructions" mood, so what I did was actually record it on camera. I called her phone, and while filming with one of my GoPro cameras, I held my phone in front of the camera while my wife's phone "answered", picking up her saying her name. That's all it consisted of, but I have it. It's silly perhaps, but the thought of losing the sound of HER voice say her name, it was misery incarnate. So now it's safely on a memory card. It's all I could think of at the moment. I think there are apps that do it, but I didn't want to risk screwing it up. The camera seemed simple enough. 

One hour indeed. Either they creep by or they sail by, whatever speed, they don't consult me. I'm dismissed by all considerations. My wife being sick, my wife passing away, my daughter losing her mom, my life turned upside down, even our family's most loyal companion, our dog on her last legs, no one asked me. Now time slipping away and it's been 6 months since I've last spoke to her. In 27 years we weren't 6 DAYS apart. 

Thank you, love and hugs,

Andy

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5 hours ago, Autocharge said:

Andy, I’m dealing with something similar to your phone situation. However my problem is a little bigger for you see it’s a Car(SUV). The motor has a rod knocking in it ( it started not to long before she came to Guam and of course she never need it again). It cost more to put an engine it then it's worth and the scrap metal place will only give 150.00 for it. But every time it’s in my way (it’s out in the pasture by the barn) I go out there and it starts right up engine knocking and all radio AC, windows, sunroof all perfect. Other than the engine its in great shape. Why can't it just break all the way? Point is I can't make up my mind on what to do with it. I had to move the set just to get in and move it but I dare not adjust the mirrors( I can still hear her telling me about all the effort it takes to readjust her mirrors just right for her, she was 4 foot 11).

 

Autocharge

It's almost nonsensical the things we now place value on. Or it would be if we didn't know this life. A broke down car, an old cell phone, a shirt, maybe perfume or a purse, a pen, even an old candy bar wrapper, they become artifacts. They achieve this almost holy sanctity that demands our stewardship. Things that my wife would've thrown away herself I now keep because of the memory attached. I find myself even now keeping anything she gets in the mail with her name on it. Credit card offers, sale papers, whatever, especially as they become more scarce as time goes by. 

Andy

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5 hours ago, soundmankeysman1 said:

Hi Andy,

Mike here.  I know the feeling.  You're at a hard time in your grief; as if there were any easy times... But you must realize it will pass.  Nothing stays the same in this world: not joy, love, happiness or sadness.  You will make it through this, and on the other side, there may well be good times again.  Stay strong.  We're all here for you.

Mike

Yes, entropy seems to be the rule of most things, but I still believe love is transcendent, beyond normal cycles of decay, but everything else, pretty much. That's a hard lesson, one my daughter learned too early. Now I can't tell her that I'll be here forever, and when she asks me to promise I'll always be here, I can't. I tell her that "I promise to be here as long as I'm able". Those are simple, common things, but in the context of this kind of loss, it's just another sad dimension of the world we live in. 

I believe, I know, that the other side holds wonders and knowledge and reunions of the most wonderful kind. Time is meaningless and life as we know it radical in its essence. Consciousness, our "soul", exists in a purity of being. Now I realize I just got all "new age, lets harmonize our chakras", but it's not. I'm trying to express something that defies explanation, at least for me, so forgive my colorful way of explaining myself. 

They don't call it "The last great adventure" for nothing. 

Thank you Mike, I know you guys are here and it's a very comforting thought. Bless you all

Andy

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1 hour ago, HHFaith said:

Yes all the additional goodbyes that seem to keep popping up are so painful. The more time that passes, the more it seems he is disappearing. It's a strange feeling. I still feel his presence but at the same time he's farther away. Hard to explain. Everything about this journey is strange.  All the changes make me sad. I am "moving forward" with my life in many ways, which I know is a good thing. But with each change I feel like I'm kind of leaving him behind and that makes me so sad. 

One of the big changes was that I went back to work this week. Started a new job. So many good things about it and I am "glad" to be there. But I just wish Pat was here to share it with. As I had mentioned before, I had started interviewing with them back in December before he died. So it's bittersweet. He used to say that I would get "that big fat job". I really think he was looking out for me through the whole process. This is Just another thing that makes me miss him so much. I loved his support through the tough times and I loved sharing good news with him too. Still hard to believe he's not here. 

First, congratulations! I know this can be scary and anxiety inducing, but cheers! Good for you, be proud of this. You obviously worked hard to get to this point, so you deserve this. I'm glad you shared this, thank you so much. :-)

It's a bitter thing to accept, that as each day passes, so do a little more of our beloveds. First the friends drift away, people stop asking about him/her, the bills begin slowing down, then stop, and gradually, sometimes without realizing it, their things start getting moved, put up, stored away. It's inevitable I guess, that as the days, months and years go by, they will largely disappear from common sight. Only we will keep the memento's, the photos, those things only we will recognize as significant. I know that cemetery's are full of people that the world has largely forgotten, but it comes home when those cemeteries hold our loved ones. Adjusting to all of this is terrible. All of the garbage we deal with, mean people, meaningless jobs, bad weather, sickness, murder and cruelty, this seems just too much at times. 

Anyway, I'm sorry, I've gotten carried away. Thank you HHFaith, love and hugs,

Andy 

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Thank you Andy. Praying for survival and healing for all of us here. 

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Andy,

I understand about the phone.  My daughter took George's phone over when he died so at least I didn't have to disconnect it, his phone number was still intact.  She's been having problems with it lately (she's changed phones many times but kept the number) and her friend surprised her with a new phone...the catch?  It has a new number.  I didn't say anything to her, I handled my emotions in private, after all it has been 12 years, I figured I just needed t deal with it, but...it doesn't get any easier, does it?  

Autocharge,

I went through the having to get rid of his car and his trailer early on, I couldn't afford the car payment without his salary.  Our last trailer (we had two) I couldn't bring myself to use and finally gave it to my son three years ago.  At first I'd loaned it to a friend of his, but he returned it to my son's place, so at the time it left my driveway I didn't realize it wasn't coming back.  Then my son had need of it when they were moving and their new house wouldn't be ready to move in to, so I told him he could have it.  I figured he's starting a family anyway, he'd use it.  But the realization that it was never coming home, hit all the same.  I never even cleaned it out, it still had some of George's clothes in it, and the cribbage board we'd bought for it, etc.  

It seems with each "thing" we let go of, we feel like we're losing another piece of them.  I know the reality is they are not that thing, but still we have association with these things as part of our memories with them.  It's tough to go through.

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

Andy,

I understand about the phone.  My daughter took George's phone over when he died so at least I didn't have to disconnect it, his phone number was still intact.  She's been having problems with it lately (she's changed phones many times but kept the number) and her friend surprised her with a new phone...the catch?  It has a new number.  I didn't say anything to her, I handled my emotions in private, after all it has been 12 years, I figured I just needed t deal with it, but...it doesn't get any easier, does it?  

Autocharge,

I went through the having to get rid of his car and his trailer early on, I couldn't afford the car payment without his salary.  Our last trailer (we had two) I couldn't bring myself to use and finally gave it to my son three years ago.  At first I'd loaned it to a friend of his, but he returned it to my son's place, so at the time it left my driveway I didn't realize it wasn't coming back.  Then my son had need of it when they were moving and their new house wouldn't be ready to move in to, so I told him he could have it.  I figured he's starting a family anyway, he'd use it.  But the realization that it was never coming home, hit all the same.  I never even cleaned it out, it still had some of George's clothes in it, and the cribbage board we'd bought for it, etc.  

It seems with each "thing" we let go of, we feel like we're losing another piece of them.  I know the reality is they are not that thing, but still we have association with these things as part of our memories with them.  It's tough to go through.

KayC, 

I know that must have been difficult to let the trailer go, under those circumstances. It's impossible to separate memory from objects, and it has nothing to do with intrinsic value or someone else's perceptions, it's that emotional link. Something similar formed within me when I was much, much younger. My paternal grandparents lived in Orlando Florida (my birthplace) and every second visit or so, we'd go to Disney. The park and I are nearly the same age to the month, so I've been going a long time. The home my grandparents lived in is long gone, nothing left at all. However, when I walk down Main Street in the Magic Kingdom, I'm taken back to those days, I "feel" them around me, I'm once again in that place that time can't touch. Is it rational? Is it really an experience that touches on the spiritual side of things? I don't know, but I don't care. When I'm there, I'm with them. That's all that matters, so if it's a phone, a car, a trailer or an entire theme park, the connections matter to us because they mattered to them. 

And no, it never gets easier. 

Love and hugs KayC,

Andy

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I always wanted to go to Disneyland with George but he didn't live long enough!  It's a magical place everyone should get to go with their soulmate!

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19 hours ago, Andy said:

It's almost nonsensical the things we now place value on. Or it would be if we didn't know this life. A broke down car, an old cell phone, a shirt, maybe perfume or a purse, a pen, even an old candy bar wrapper, they become artifacts. They achieve this almost holy sanctity that demands our stewardship. Things that my wife would've thrown away herself I now keep because of the memory attached. I find myself even now keeping anything she gets in the mail with her name on it. Credit card offers, sale papers, whatever, especially as they become more scarce as time goes by. 

Thank you, Andy, so much, for validating our need to hang onto whatever we can. My husband was one of those guys whose signature was a cigar in his mouth whenever he was outside.He didn't inhale and smoke them, but did the occasional puffing to keep it lit. The cigars came in a tinfoil wrapper and he would leave them laying all over. I used to pick them up out of the driveway and when sweeping in the garage. I quit doing it last year, mostly because I didn't have the time, energy, due to the caregiving and what I now have recognized as anticipatory grieving. My heart just wasn't able to dispose of the wrappers and I still can't do it. Since I have been doing the mowing now, I caught sight of that flash of silver over by the garden plot. I got off the mower, made note of the location and picked up that wrapper. Made a few passes with the mower and replaced that wrapper where I had found it. There are wrappers laying all over the property, in the garage, on the work bench and even one in the box of the 4 wheeler. I have no intentions of removing them. One of our friends has noticed the wrappers laying around his property from the last few times my husband was visiting him. He hasn't touched them either. I was keeping my husband's mail until it occurred to me when someone did stop in for a visit and there was no room at the kitchen table to serve a cup of coffee. I had been piling the mail by the month and the table isn't that large. I had to give up on saving mail. That hard truth of my husband never coming home to go through his mail put me into a downer for a few days. But, he would have been the first person to say that if it's junk or been read through, to toss it. God, give us all strength!

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My Lily's family changed the address for her mail shortly before she passed away without telling me, so I haven't been receiving mail for her. But on occasion, a single piece will slip through and come to the house and it gives me a small bit of joy. As if it is a sign that Lily is still here or she exists out there for someone to have sent a piece of mail to her. She's not forgotten even though it's just junk mail. 

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28 minutes ago, Lulu said:

As if it is a sign that Lily is still here or she exists out there for someone to have sent a piece of mail to her. She's not forgotten even though it's just junk mail. 

Lily will never be forgotten. She is in your heart always and in the hearts of her family and others who knew her.  Hang onto those small bits of joy. We sure do need them. Even though I have been disposing of my husband's junk mail due to space, I have kept the copy of the local newspaper he had read the day before he passed and the magazines he had been reading that week. He touched those items, his fingerprints and essence are on them. Someday, when I will be ecstatically reunited with my husband, someone else will go through my precious keepsakes and probably dispose of those items. I won't care, for I will be with my husband and that will be what matters most.   (HUGS)

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36 minutes ago, KMB said:

Thank you, Andy, so much, for validating our need to hang onto whatever we can. My husband was one of those guys whose signature was a cigar in his mouth whenever he was outside.He didn't inhale and smoke them, but did the occasional puffing to keep it lit. The cigars came in a tinfoil wrapper and he would leave them laying all over. I used to pick them up out of the driveway and when sweeping in the garage. I quit doing it last year, mostly because I didn't have the time, energy, due to the caregiving and what I now have recognized as anticipatory grieving. My heart just wasn't able to dispose of the wrappers and I still can't do it. Since I have been doing the mowing now, I caught sight of that flash of silver over by the garden plot. I got off the mower, made note of the location and picked up that wrapper. Made a few passes with the mower and replaced that wrapper where I had found it. There are wrappers laying all over the property, in the garage, on the work bench and even one in the box of the 4 wheeler. I have no intentions of removing them. One of our friends has noticed the wrappers laying around his property from the last few times my husband was visiting him. He hasn't touched them either. I was keeping my husband's mail until it occurred to me when someone did stop in for a visit and there was no room at the kitchen table to serve a cup of coffee. I had been piling the mail by the month and the table isn't that large. I had to give up on saving mail. That hard truth of my husband never coming home to go through his mail put me into a downer for a few days. But, he would have been the first person to say that if it's junk or been read through, to toss it. God, give us all strength!

We are so much alike with this particular facet of grieving. About two weeks before she passed, my wife took my Mars bar and ate it, leaving the wrapper in the passenger door pocket of our car. I left it there, told my daughter "do not!" remove it. One day, I was cleaning the cars, had the doors open and wind actually lifted it out and blew it across the yard, of course I nearly broke my neck retrieving it. Instead of putting it back in the car, I sealed it in a ziplock bag and placed it in a box of similar items. These are insignificant things while we carry on our lives in ignorant bliss, only when our world get destroyed do we cling to this evidence of yesterday. Evidence that they once occupied space and time. Like some strange artifact left behind, by a long vanished civilization, telling us that all things are fleeting. Like the lyrics from the song "99 Red Luftballoons" 

"It's all over and I'm standing pretty
In this dust that was a city
If could find a souvenir
Just to prove the world was here"

Peace and love,

Andy

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41 minutes ago, Lulu said:

My Lily's family changed the address for her mail shortly before she passed away without telling me, so I haven't been receiving mail for her. But on occasion, a single piece will slip through and come to the house and it gives me a small bit of joy. As if it is a sign that Lily is still here or she exists out there for someone to have sent a piece of mail to her. She's not forgotten even though it's just junk mail. 

KMB said it best. Nothing can take the time away, nothing can diminish the love or the memories.

Strength and comfort my friend,

Andy

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Thank you, Andy, for the reminder of that beautiful song. Certainly gives the perception of how we see ourselves these days.  Your Mars bar wrapper story prompts me to share that the last 2 ice cream bar wrappers my husband either had his last evening or the previous evening are in the trash can I have by the desk where he tossed them. He sure loved his ice cream evening snack. Everything has a memory and a piece of pain attached.

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3 hours ago, KMB said:

Thank you, Andy, for the reminder of that beautiful song. Certainly gives the perception of how we see ourselves these days.  Your Mars bar wrapper story prompts me to share that the last 2 ice cream bar wrappers my husband either had his last evening or the previous evening are in the trash can I have by the desk where he tossed them. He sure loved his ice cream evening snack. Everything has a memory and a piece of pain attached.

It certainly does. Maybe our minds cling to these things as poor substitutes, tangible items to prove to our disbelieving hearts that the unthinkable has happened.

Life comes, it's here for some indeterminate amount of time, and then it fades away. What it leaves behind are passages of beauty and sorrow, a wake of effect and memories. And it leaves behind us. We who carry the meaning of lives now gone, we hold the memories and their meaning, and thereby keep the departed from completely fading. Until we pass away, they still have voices, they are among the mourned and cherished. We do that, anyway we can, in a way that brings us comfort. At least until the day comes where we too fade...and awake in the love that awaits us. 

Bless you dear friend,

Andy

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7 hours ago, Andy said:

At least until the day comes where we too fade...and awake in the love that awaits us. 

Just beautiful Andy. 

That love sustains me. 

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I love your sharing about the Mars bar wrapper, Andy.  It shows your love for her, how precious is anything she touched, everything she did! :)

Lulu, when mail came for George, or a phone call, it pained me.  It shows how different this grief hits us!  How unique our journey.  To me it was a reminder he is no longer here to answer that mail or that phone call.  To you it is a reminder of her existence. :)

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

I love your sharing about the Mars bar wrapper, Andy.  It shows your love for her, how precious is anything she touched, everything she did! :)

Lulu, when mail came for George, or a phone call, it pained me.  It shows how different this grief hits us!  How unique our journey.  To me it was a reminder he is no longer here to answer that mail or that phone call.  To you it is a reminder of her existence. :)

I stand in both places, it bothers me for the reasons you mentioned yet it's nice for the same reasons Lulu mentioned. It's a wonder we aren't all crazy, the way our emotions contradict and confound us. 

Hugs,

Andy

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I think we are all crazy.....crazy in love!  That's why our emotions are so deep, strong, overwhelming, and crazy. Just the way our love was (and still is and will always be).

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15 minutes ago, HHFaith said:

I think we are all crazy.....crazy in love!  That's why our emotions are so deep, strong, overwhelming, and crazy. Just the way our love was (and still is and will always be).

 I second that! Iife will never be the same again and neither will we without the one person we loved and lived for!

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i agree with all of you! Love never dies. We hold tightly onto that feeling here and we carry it with us to Heaven. The one emotion that nothing can destroy or take away!

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15 hours ago, Lulu said:

Iife will never be the same again and neither will we without the one person we loved and lived for!

That is a for sure!

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

That is a for sure!

It's trying to figure out how to cope with changes, those we can/must live with and those that we can't, that's sometimes difficult. Disentangling ourselves from this emotional mess is so hard to do. What's healthy, what's becoming detrimental? So tough. 

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Unfortunately, life doesn't ask us if we CAN cope with the changes, it just thrusts them upon us and we're left muddling with "how do we do this?!"

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20 hours ago, KayC said:

Unfortunately, life doesn't ask us if we CAN cope with the changes, it just thrusts them upon us and we're left muddling with "how do we do this?!"

So true. I don't recall ever being consulted before life decides to go "nuclear" on me. We just do our best to deal with whatever gets thrown at us and carry on. Sometimes we can, other times, well, only God gets us through. 

 

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I haven't posted lately. Strange days of up and down emotions. The 1st marked the 6th month of my Tracie's passing. The day started out okay, worked on my fathers lawnmower, did yard work, ate dinner with my daughter, everything was fine. As the night progressed and the weather deteriorated, so did my mood. As I was struggling to get my feeble, elderly dog to go out in between torrential downpours, I was hit with a wave of loss, guilt, sorrow, just one of those "sucker punches" that comes at us. A new thing for me lately is anger towards God. It's taken me 6 months to get mad at God, and I know it's both normal and irrational, but I'm surprised that now I'm feeling this. Why now? I don't know, but I apologized for my outbursts, my wife is, I'm sure, disappointed in my turn towards anger. It's something I'm not proud of. She'd be so ashamed of me. Yet, as my mood disintegrated, I was questioning Gods decision to take my wife, to deny her the chance to get well, to see her daughter grow, graduate, marry, have her own family. Denied us our plans to grow old together, to once again be a couple. All of it, gone. I know questioning is rhetorical, I know fairness isn't a consideration, I know God didn't "take" my wife "from" us, things are more complex than my simple grasp to understand the nature of reality, but my anger is real. And I despise it. I despise this loneliness, the endless things asked of me. Selfish I know, but my reserves are drying up, I'm becoming weary and worn. I'll manage. I have things yet to do, but I need something to happen. Something that will tell me that I'm doing this right, that what I do or will do actually matters. 

I will be better, I just needed to let this out. I love all of you and the trust I share with you all is invaluable. Anyone who bothers to read my poor state, thank you. 

Andy

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Dear Andy,  anger comes to most of us and although I am not a christian, I have no doubts that your wife will know of and understand your pain and turmoil.  She will probably feel helpless at not being able to help you heal, but she won't think badly of you.   And I've not seen any sign of selfishness in your posts, Andy.  

It seems a lot of us find/found the six month mark particularly difficult.  Maybe it is then we are left to face the stark reality that our partners can not come back, without the benefit of 'shock' to cushion it.  Whatever the reason, we won't find the answer in a grief book that wasn't written by someone who has experienced the loss of a soul-mate.  

I can't recall at what stage I learnt to get through a bad day by giving myself permission to feel my emotions (it can often involve a lot of swearing and cursing) then I let it go. If anyone asks me how I am, I don't beat around the bush and pretend I'm ok, if I'm not.  I've survived 538 days using this strategy and I will make it through another day tomorrow.  

I do feel for those of you who must put on a happy face for work colleagues or customers.  It must be incredibly difficult as just being away from the comfort of your home lessens the time available for reflecting and grieving. 

Sending strength and wishing you an easier day, Andy. 

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Andy, as you know I'm at the 6 month mark too. I also did not really experience the "anger stage" until recently. Never swore so much in my life!!  6 months is such a milestone, for me anyway. I think M88 is on to something, our reality is starting to set in without the benefit of the shock to cushion it. I've been asking why a lot more lately too. I think I have accepted a lot around the circumstances of his sudden death, but the "why now?" Question is what really has me angry and confused. Hang in there. It's yet another lousy phase of this most difficult journey. You are not alone my friend. 

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9 hours ago, Andy said:

I haven't posted lately. Strange days of up and down emotions. The 1st marked the 6th month of my Tracie's passing. The day started out okay, worked on my fathers lawnmower, did yard work, ate dinner with my daughter, everything was fine. As the night progressed and the weather deteriorated, so did my mood. As I was struggling to get my feeble, elderly dog to go out in between torrential downpours, I was hit with a wave of loss, guilt, sorrow, just one of those "sucker punches" that comes at us. A new thing for me lately is anger towards God. It's taken me 6 months to get mad at God, and I know it's both normal and irrational, but I'm surprised that now I'm feeling this. Why now? I don't know, but I apologized for my outbursts, my wife is, I'm sure, disappointed in my turn towards anger. It's something I'm not proud of. She'd be so ashamed of me. Yet, as my mood disintegrated, I was questioning Gods decision to take my wife, to deny her the chance to get well, to see her daughter grow, graduate, marry, have her own family. Denied us our plans to grow old together, to once again be a couple. All of it, gone. I know questioning is rhetorical, I know fairness isn't a consideration, I know God didn't "take" my wife "from" us, things are more complex than my simple grasp to understand the nature of reality, but my anger is real. And I despise it. I despise this loneliness, the endless things asked of me. Selfish I know, but my reserves are drying up, I'm becoming weary and worn. I'll manage. I have things yet to do, but I need something to happen. Something that will tell me that I'm doing this right, that what I do or will do actually matters. 

I will be better, I just needed to let this out. I love all of you and the trust I share with you all is invaluable. Anyone who bothers to read my poor state, thank you. 

Andy

Andy, 

Anger is part of grief...not everyone experiences it, but many do.  I did.  It was kind of a process I had to go through.  I want to say, God has broad shoulders, you can beat on them with your fists and He can take it.  I found in the end He is still there holding me, He knows what I'm feeling and going through and He cares.  That melted me.  

I try not to look at it as He made a decision to take George, so much as stuff happens, the bible says it rains on the just and the unjust, I see it as a rather random happening, not targeted to ruin my life.  I know many look at it that God decides everything, but He gives us free will and with it comes consequences...when sin entered the world it was no longer perfect and we can't live forever here, everything seems out of kilter.  I guess that's what the next world is for, to right everything.  It's so hard waiting, humans aren't known for patience, and I'm no exception.  Living this life here without them it feels like it goes on and on forever!  If we knew we only had a week to wait, we could do it, but years...that's tough.  That's why I continue doing one day at a time.  Every time I borrow tomorrow it's not good.  

I guess we want someone to blame, someone to direct our anger at.  You will let go of the anger when you are spent.  In the meantime, go easy on yourself and try not to worry about it.  (((hugs)))  

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M88, HHFaith, and KayC, 

Thank you for the thoughful words of wisdom and comfort. I hit a different kind of "low" I guess, my mood was grim to say the least. I feel better today, I'm thankful for that, but I know I'll never be out of the woods. Some days, as you all know, I just miss her so much. It's not that some days I don't, it's that the intensity of my loss and that "knowing" that no matter how much I want it, she will never come home. 

I've been thinking about this "6th month" trouble we seem to encounter. A while back I noted that these time-distance spaces that give us trouble may be a result of our relative coping experiences. We lose a job or wreck a car, those things can be tremendously taxing on us, and even moving to a new home or having a bad experience with a superior at work will create anxieties, but these things usually resolve themselves in a reasonable amount of time. We either address the issue or simply move on. Our loss though, and the grief that comes with it, does not resolve itself, we do not move on, and there isn't enough time in our perceivable universe to make it okay. I think this might be why, for some of us anyway, we experience such a difficult time at this 6th month period. We simply aren't used to having such powerful and negative emotions hang on like this. We usually process, resolve, accept and move forward in much less time. Perhaps our minds and hearts are unprepared for this kind of perpetual trauma. So, we get to that breaking point and we have these "mini meltdowns", the system is overwhelmed and pressure must be relieved. Anyway, that's my running theory at the moment. Of course it's just as likely and much easier to say that everything is in ruins and nothing works the way it used to. 

Again my dear friends, thank you for what I've grown to rely and count on, the outpouring of compassion and love that has seen me through some dark days. Bless each of you, I'd take each one you out to dinner if I could and present each one of you with a rose. 

Love and hugs,

Andy

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Hang on, Andy. I made it through the 6 month mark and so will you! I really didn't think I would at the time. Must be that built in survivor mode that kept me going somehow.

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25 minutes ago, KMB said:

Hang on, Andy. I made it through the 6 month mark and so will you! I really didn't think I would at the time. Must be that built in survivor mode that kept me going somehow.

I think I've been in that survivor mode awhile now. Something that factors in also, but I've not put it together until now, is the 6th month mark neatly coincides with my wife's 43 birthday, next Saturday and our 25th wedding anniversary next Tuesday, the 11th. I'm beginning to greatly fear this. Mother's Day, valentines, Father's Day were rough, but this is different. Much more personal, much more significant. The anxiety is already setting in. I don't want to do this. How is this going to be possible? I really am scared. 

Andy 

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1 hour ago, Andy said:

I really am scared.

Andy, I haven't posted about this in my thread because I started my thread at the 10 month point. Your post made me reflect on the period between 6 months and 10 months. You see I was still working, traveling around the world doing my thing until the 6 month point at which time I came home and retired. Point is I had questions and fears at the 6 month point. So much that it drove me to the internet where I found this web site and started reading and posting. You see I had started questioning even my career choices. I have excelled at every endeavor I have put my mind too. I thought maybe I should have been a doctor instead of an engineer so that I could have helped my wife with her cancer instead of fixing computers/machines. I questioned all their was to question Turn left instead of right. You see where I’m going with this? I know your pain it is intense. The best piece of advice I ever received was “ Just get out of bed”. Translated to “one day at a time”. We are here Andy.

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Thank you Autocharge, I do understand and appreciate your kind advice. In particular, my fear stems from confronting those two days. Perhaps only Christmas and New Year's Eve, the day she passed, will have this sort of impact. My wife's birthday, 27 I celebrated with her, my daughter was there for 20 of them, a day about HER. Not a holiday scheduled on a calendar, but her day. And the anniversary. Wow. This was the 25th, a significant milestone, this one she told me that she wanted us to go somewhere, anywhere, she just wanted it to be "us". This is going to be, well, I don't have the words at the moment. I can't tell you how I'm feeling about all of this, other than I'm frightened. I can't even say exactly why I'm so afraid, other than the usual storm of emotions that's likely to rip through me, but that's nothing new. So, what exactly am I anticipating? I don't know, I just know it'll be bad. 

I have preempted some of the birthday grief by planning a day trip with my daughter to a place my wife enjoyed when we're dating and later as a family. My daughters excited as am I, I don't think I could stay in this house on her birthday. As for our anniversary, I think I'm going off by myself. That's not been worked out yet, but again, staying in this house may not be possible. I'll have to see. 

Peace and strength, 

Andy

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I never got the luxury of staying in bed.  I had to go back to work after two weeks, actually came in and did payroll on day five.  I knew if I didn't, it wouldn't take long to run our of food, $ for the electricity, etc. so I went.  I had pets to take care of, that helped motivate me.  My six month mark was at Christmas, it was hard hitting.  My kids wanted me to put up a tree, my son went out and cut one down, my daughter said she'd help me decorate, so I did it for them.  Getting out the boxes of ornaments and seeing his stocking, his ornaments, that was really hard.  Facing Christmas without him was really hard.

I just don't know an easy way through this.  When I hit our anniversary it was at four months, I'd planned on going to the place we always went, but I just couldn't.  I put messages in balloons and released them.  They popped and came back down, which struck me as funny, I mean George had a good sense of humor, I wondered if that wasn't his way of communicating with me.

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

I never got the luxury of staying in bed.  I had to go back to work after two weeks, actually came in and did payroll on day five.  I knew if I didn't, it wouldn't take long to run our of food, $ for the electricity, etc. so I went.  I had pets to take care of, that helped motivate me.  My six month mark was at Christmas, it was hard hitting.  My kids wanted me to put up a tree, my son went out and cut one down, my daughter said she'd help me decorate, so I did it for them.  Getting out the boxes of ornaments and seeing his stocking, his ornaments, that was really hard.  Facing Christmas without him was really hard.

I just don't know an easy way through this.  When I hit our anniversary it was at four months, I'd planned on going to the place we always went, but I just couldn't.  I put messages in balloons and released them.  They popped and came back down, which struck me as funny, I mean George had a good sense of humor, I wondered if that wasn't his way of communicating with me.

I'm trying to make a plan now for our anniversary, something that gives me direction. I'm afraid that I'll do what I've been doing since she passed. I'll think of all of these different places to go, things to do, yet when the day arrives, I'll be frozen in place with indecision and fear. I'll think of a multitude of reasons why I can't do something, when in reality they're little more than excuses. 

I decided this morning to go eat at a local diner that we used to frequent on a somewhat regular basis. We hadn't been in quite a while, and since she passed, it's been at least a year. So I went, sat down and the waitress remembered me. It caught me off guard, I wasn't expecting that, didn't really think about it, to be honest. She asked me where I'd been, was glad to see me. I said something, nothing specific. Sitting there was much harder than I'd expected. I thought it wouldn't be a problem, I could handle this. I did, but not without some difficult memories. Painful reminders, really. I got up to pay, and up till now, she didn't ask about my wife. I told her the reason we hadn't been in was because of my new job being an hour away, time wasn't as available. And then she told me to tell me wife, "hello", for her. It hit me rather hard, I was actually holding back tears just praying she didn't mention my wife. All I was able to get out was, "She actually passed away New Year's Eve". What got me was the look on her face, she was genuinely distressed and upset. It felt exactly like that first week when people were in and out of my life paying their respects. It was beginning to feel overwhelming, I just nodded and left. I'm going to try and continue to go, at least semi regular. It was hard, but it was also comforting in a sense. Same waitresses, same sort of faces on the patrons, the memories were warm and familiar. Our mornings and evenings there were quite and routine, yet had that peace of contentment that enduring and loving relationships have. It always felt like "home" when I was with my wife, and this brings me a little bit of that. A place we didn't share with friends or family, just a little corner all our own. Nothing at all special or notable about this place, but for an hour or so during a meal shared together, it was our place. 

Today is July 3rd, 2017, and I miss my wife. Tomorrow is the 4th and I'll miss her a little more. My days are pale shadows of what they used to be, hollow vessels without anything to carry. I miss her with an emotion that I can't articulate, a loss so strong that I fear it will eventually break me. A year ago today my small family was enjoying a day in Disney, blissfully unaware that it was coming to an end. Cherish every minute, hold on to every love, look at the details with wonder and take absolutely NOTHING for granted. So many perfect days have come and gone, how many perfect tomorrows have I lost? Who can say? It's July 3rd and I love my wife. 

Love,

Andy

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I've always felt that having a plan in place helped.  But sometimes we aren't ready for the plans we make.  In grief, we have to excuse ourselves for not being up to something yet and realize it's okay to pat ourselves on the back when we stretch past our comfort zone, but it's also okay to realize when we're not ready for something.  We'll get there.

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This is the balancing act I'm struggling with, is it okay NOT to do something? Should I convince myself to do something because otherwise I'm squandering what time I may have left? I'm torn between the positive results of being engaged and the urge to hide away and do nothing.  It's all so tiring. 

 

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7 hours ago, Andy said:

the urge to hide away and do nothing.  It's all so tiring. 

I agree. This new life is a balancing act and so very exhausting. I wish I could lay down, fall asleep and wake up where ever my husband is. Probably not right to say that with my daughter here now, but it is an honest feeling. To be fair, I asked my daughter if she wanted to attend any of the surrounding towns parades, activities or fireworks. She declined, which was a relief on my part. She is used to working on holidays and doesn't feel like she is missing out on anything. We did do a drive into town for a couple of things at a grocery and hit up a drive thru for supper. The towns festivities were on the other end so I wasn't battling a lot of traffic or triggers. I've been reading a few posts here and I feel so much more sad we all are in the same boat today.  Lonely and missing our loved one .It is with us on a daily basis, but the holidays, special days, etc. are extra terrible.  God help us all.

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KMB, yes, help us all. We. Got through today, we'll get through tomorrow. Hoping you have a good evening and you find some peace and comfort, love,

Andy

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I imagine we'll have days of both.  I'm glad the 4th of July is over.  It felt so alone...the only thing going on in town were the fireworks and since I can't drive at night, I couldn't attend them.  It was a day like any other only I knew I was missing the family times others were having.  Glad it's over.

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39 minutes ago, KayC said:

I imagine we'll have days of both.  I'm glad the 4th of July is over.  It felt so alone...the only thing going on in town were the fireworks and since I can't drive at night, I couldn't attend them.  It was a day like any other only I knew I was missing the family times others were having.  Glad it's over.

What a statement Kay! That really resonated with me. Events, holidays, milestones, that, at one time, we cherished and looked forward to are ones that we now just get through or look forward to being over. I guess it's just one of those reminders of the reality we live in. We're all just doing what we can to get by and make it through life. Existing, if you will. Whereas before Lori died I felt like I was really living.

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On 7/5/2017 at 7:21 AM, Eagle-96 said:

before Lori died I felt like I was really living.

We were.  Now we watch the rest of the world living, knowing someday it will be this way for them too.  It's not a consolation.

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5 minutes ago, KayC said:

We were.  Now we watch the rest of the world living, knowing someday it will be this way for them too.  It's not a consolation.

Reminds me of something I saw on What's Your Grief last month. One of the quotes on what grief is like was,

"Grief is like being on the sidelines".

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1 hour ago, Eagle-96 said:

"Grief is like being on the sidelines".

It certainly does feel that way. I feel like an alien when I go out in public and see couples and complete families enjoying normal life. I'm not part of a couple anymore. It hurts so much since I was proud of being with my husband, of being his wife and life partner. I just want to wake up from this reality nightmare and go home to my husband.

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7 hours ago, KMB said:

It certainly does feel that way. I feel like an alien when I go out in public and see couples and complete families enjoying normal life. I'm not part of a couple anymore. It hurts so much since I was proud of being with my husband, of being his wife and life partner. I just want to wake up from this reality nightmare and go home to my husband.

Being with Tracie made me foolishly believe I could do anything. We were a team, and together, anything was possible. At least I felt that way. Going from "couple" to "alone" is jarring enough, but along with it comes these identity issues and then our routines fall apart further pushing our world into ruins. 

KMB, you're going to keep pushing on and I think perhaps the light will begin prying its way back into your life. I want that for you, everyone here, I want that for all of us. I'm going to keep praying for that, and I'll be thinking of you,

Andy

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As I get closer to her birthday and our anniversary, I'm having a hard time with some of those really difficult memories of her last hours. Hearing her call my name, seeing the fear in her eyes, not being able to do a d@mn thing about her condition. Sometimes I literally hate myself for letting her down. Letting down our daughter.  It's guilt again. I know. Right now though, it just hurts. I miss her so much, my sweet wife who never hurt or harmed anyone. All she did was love and care for her family. That's all she ever wanted. She was all I ever wanted. 

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11 hours ago, Andy said:

As I get closer to her birthday and our anniversary, I'm having a hard time with some of those really difficult memories of her last hours. Hearing her call my name, seeing the fear in her eyes, not being able to do a d@mn thing about her condition. Sometimes I literally hate myself for letting her down. Letting down our daughter.  It's guilt again. I know. Right now though, it just hurts. I miss her so much, my sweet wife who never hurt or harmed anyone. All she did was love and care for her family. That's all she ever wanted. She was all I ever wanted. 

Andy,

You know in your heart that you didn't let her down. I know saying that doesn't always ease the burden because our mind plays tricks on us and fools us into believing that if we had done just one thing different, everything would be ok. My heart knows I didn't fail Lori during her heart attack but my grief stricken brain tells me I didn't perform CPR good enough or I should have gone to a hospital instead of an urgent care earlier that day. Maybe if I had just called her sister(physicians assistant) for advice Lori would still be here. My heart knows I did everything I could and I suspect your heart knows this too. I am praying that you can find comfort on these two days as I know they are tough. The 14 year anniversary of our first date was tough for me this past Sunday and I cried like a baby but I got through it with comfort from friends and from this forum and I know you can too Andy.

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