Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Want to share my experience.


Andy

Recommended Posts

  • Members

In whatever way I can, prayer, thoughts, hippie powered "vibes", I'm sending you strength and peace. Today may be a little tough, anxiety inducing, but I think you'll do well. I doubt we're ever truly ready to do some of these things we have to do, maybe it's more that we accept what is, therefore we do what we must. At least that's how I feel. 

Love and strength,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 980
  • Created
  • Last Reply
  • Members

Thanks , Andy. I got through it in one piece. What I think was the most helpful throughout the whole legal process was the long term friendship of the attorney and his wife. They knew my husband before I did and his parents. I was treated with compassion and empathy. They grieve for my husband also. I consider myself grateful for so many things my husband brought to my life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hey all friends, 

I haven't been here in a few days, issues and "life" throwing its usual curve balls. 

I'm moving into the 6th month direction now, my feelings and thoughts, to be brief, are generally as they've been the last month or so, with a couple of differences. The reality of her being gone is becoming a "cold, hard fact", less of that surreal expectation of her coming back. It's a stark realization, my heart and my logic now coming together. It's sad, sort of my hearts last hold on the idea that maybe, just maybe this has been some terrible mistake or joke. The door is closing. Something else that's changed, or starting too, is I'm becoming okay with not keeping her phone active. I'm trying to come to terms with it, without feeling ashamed of myself, a betrayal of sorts. Her phone is still active, but it's not the "symbol" it once was. I feel terrible for even admitting that. I still cherish the life that once valued it's function, I still hold dear the memories that belong to it, but my emotions have shifted in what I think is a pure, self protective, gesture. I'm still struggling with her loss, and as a new component manifests, older ones fade. Not gone, never truly gone, but dimmed I suppose. 

I still talk to her, daily, but not so much pleading or irrational bargaining, just conversations. Keeping her up to date with me, our daughter, not that she doesn't already know, but it's more for me I guess. I miss her, a hate the days between us now, pulling us away from one another, but also pushing us back towards one another, in a sort of ironic circle. I should be grateful for that. I'm not. Not really. I just want things to be as they were. 

I'm still hunting for some happiness. My daughter told me yesterday that I've seemed "off" to her for the last week or so. My melancholia seeping through, need to try harder to hide that. I'm unsettled, changing world, the unthinkable becoming fact, loneliness pervades everything I do. No matter where I go, what I'm doing, who I'm with, I can't shake this isolation. It's an albatross around my neck, gloom everywhere. 

Not all is bad, the weather is gorgeous, my daughter is doing good in school (finally), my parents are healthy, I have a job and a home, so there's hope. 

All my love to all my friends, 

Andy 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Andy, 

When George died, my daughter took over his phone and number.  She's had his number for 12 years, although she's gone through many phones since then.  Her phone was not working right and her best friend just bought her a new one and surprised her with it for an early birthday present...but it has a new phone number. :(  That was hard for me, but I won't say anything, it's just another loss, another thing taking me further away from him...not in actuality, I guess he's about as far away as he can get after this long, but it feels like it.  These secondary losses are a pain to deal with.

Right now I'd settle for our weather being gorgeous, it's pouring rain and cold for the next week.  :angry: 

Six months is hard, reality sets in, I'm sure that's what's hitting you so hard.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Just wanted to check in with my "grief club friends".  Another Saturday night already?!  Im thinking of you all and hoping you are all taking good care of yourselves this weekend and doing something good for yourselves, no matter how small.  I went out tonight for a little walk and some dinner with my brother and his 7 year old son. Didn't have the energy but pushed myself to go. I'm glad I did. Sometimes we do have to force ourselves to do things and sometimes that can be a good thing.  

Peace to you all. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hello KayC, your thoughts are so spot on, you've been through so much. Yes, this 6th month window is doing some strange things, a creeping sort of sadness. It's been more gradual, so much so I wasn't aware just how bad I had begun to feel. Cried more today than the last couple of weeks, thoughts more somber. Missing her and this loneliness, this is so unbelievable how it's destroying everything. Happiness is more distant and this isolation is terrible. I think (hope?) this gets better, I really need it to, so I can think straight again, be positive again, my daughter needs me, especially now, to be there, be "whole" for her. Loss after loss after loss. My wife wasn't enough? Apparently not, so I'm to suffer a never ending parade of cut ties and faded yesterday's. God bless you KayC, I don't know how you've done this, for so long, but you're an inspiration. I hope I can find as much resiliency as you've done. 

Love and strength,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, HHFaith said:

Just wanted to check in with my "grief club friends".  Another Saturday night already?!  Im thinking of you all and hoping you are all taking good care of yourselves this weekend and doing something good for yourselves, no matter how small.  I went out tonight for a little walk and some dinner with my brother and his 7 year old son. Didn't have the energy but pushed myself to go. I'm glad I did. Sometimes we do have to force ourselves to do things and sometimes that can be a good thing.  

Peace to you all. 

HHFaith, I'm glad you had something going on for your Saturday night. I'm alone, my friends have all but vanished, with the exception of one, who himself has health issues, not to be seen or heard from. I drive my cars, but it's becoming a pointless exercise. I'm tired of traveling alone. Having places to go, things to see, experiences to enjoy, its all meaningless. I can't enjoy this anymore. God, I'm trying. I am, I don't know how though. I've been asked to attend some activities in a local Jeep club. I'm not a "joiner", never liked large, organized groups, just my shyness and my tendency to do my own thing. I've been considering it, but I just can't commit, I'm a little apprehensive about doing something like this without my wife. I don't know how to act or even talk, I'm a mess. Listen to me, I'm rambling again. 

I hope the rest of your weekend is nice, pleasant dreams and please be safe,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My heart aches for you Andy - hugs.  You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.  Sounds like some tender, loving self-care of yourself is needed.  Are you still having counselling?  Would you consider more?   I understand your feelings about joining the Jeep club.  Maybe you just aren't ready to meet a bunch of new people.  But, it would be a very good way of making new friends. Those people share your interest so they'd no doubt be very easy to talk with.  

A few days after we'd buried Gerry, my son who was home from Australia, my daughter and I took Gerry's wee Fiat 850 Sport to a big vintage and classic car affair.  Some ppl from overseas, had brought their cars with them and joined the annual rally around NZ. Hundreds of cars parked up for a while on the rugby fields near our beach.  Gerry had only just finished restoring the car and was so eagerly awaiting this day.  I was so raw the tears just didn't stop, but we met some wonderful ppl that day, some of whom cried with me.  I'm so glad I went.  Gerry would have expected me to go.  His tragic death had been all over the media that week and naturally was a hot topic in the car world.  We were introduced to the American man who put a lot of cash into the rally.  He was so lovely and caring - he really did feel my pain and couldn't stop hugging me to bits. He owns a well known tyre company in the US and first name Is Chuck.  Gerry would have been thrilled to have been a part of that day.  My son's a mechanic and sorted out an Fiat 850 problem for an owner, with Gerry's parts.  Gerry would have gained pleasure doing the same. 

Andy, try hard to live just in the day or hour you're in.  Try not to ruminate about the future and put your fears of attending the club meet aside until the morning it is actually on,  Then see if you have the courage to go. I've learnt the hard way - worrying achieves nothing but a headache, a racing heart and a sore jaw from clenching it.  If I can train myself to live in this mannner, anyone can :) 

I was still very much a wreck six months after Gerry's death.  Was still having to push myself hard to get out that darned door. Today he's been gone a whole 17 months - such a long yet short time.  But, with each passing day now, I feel a wee bit more like my old self.  I still have a cry most days, usually when talking of my darling with others or listening to music but the tears aren't the painful sobs they used to be. I am healing.  There is always hope, Andy. 

Sending you an extra large dollop of strength, love and hugs X

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Andy,

My son had lots of friends in this small town he grew up in, he was involved in everything, National Honor Society, running the sound system for our church, TAG program, football, wrestling, he had his own computer business from the age of 13 on...but when he went into the Air Force, and got moved to Washington, he didn't know anyone and felt so alone.  Even though he was shy, he pushed himself, he started attending church an hour away where an old friend was attending, and he joined a 4 wheeling club...someone had put the flyer on his truck when he was in a parking lot.  It was way out of his comfort zone to make that contact, but he was glad he did it.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Andy, My thoughts and prayers are with you, as with everyone here. I understand at what point you are at, being around the 6th month marker. Reality of our loss and situation is a huge hurdle. It requires even more effort in the self care of ourselves. When that wall of reality came at me full force,I literally thought I was not going to be able to climb over it. I stood, alone, staring at that wall for a long time. Can I do it? Should I do it? What will happen to me if I don't give it a try? Do I have what it is going to take to climb that wall?

Honestly, I couldn't tell you where I am at in climbing that wall of reality. I started climbing inch by painful inch.Sometimes I fall and have to start over but I feel I am gaining in some sort of progress. I miss my husband desperately, but I can sometimes sense that he is cheering me on. I have had to push myself out of my comfort zone quite a few times. It is not easy for me. I'm more on the shy side and don't make friends easily. During the winter months, I did isolate myself and learned the hard way what it can do to your well being, your mental health. I don't want to leave this life in a padded room, so I have to keep monitoring myself, in a way, to maintain some steadiness and perseverance, some balance.

Hang in there, Andy. What has been helpful to me is something I learned in the grief support group I attended. Make a list of everything you are grateful for. Put that list where you are going to see it everyday. That list will be your reminder that you can do this!   (HUGS)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
22 hours ago, KMB said:

Make a list of everything you are grateful for

Good idea!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thank you, all of you, KayC, KMB, M88, you're so very kind and thoughtful. 

I think, at the heart of all this, that a major component is my wife was both confidant and support. I lost not just my beloved and best friend, but my refuge from stress and anxiety, my foundation from which anything was possible. All that is gone now. I'm sort of at square one, frightened to go too far outside my sanctuary for fear of being, I don't know, rejected? Maybe that not it, it is odd, a 45 year old man worried if people will like him. Hah. I'm 16 all over again. Perhaps it's more insecurity, I've not had to worry about impressions for so very long. I don't no, there's more to my emotions, but I'm working on it. 

Thank you, love to all of you,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Andy, I understand averything you're feeling - I'm sure everyone in our grief family here on Indigo do.  It is what has drawn us together.  

We have had our foundations ripped out from beneath us, our confidant and support, our sense security and our refuge from anxiety and stress all torn from our very hearts and souls.  All when we desperately need them like never before. 

I confess that before I lost my darling, if someone I knew lost their partner I'd send a lovely card, attend the funeral if I could, say some heartfelt words to the bereaved.  Feel their pain for a while.  I assumed they would feel 'sad and lonely' for a year or so.  I was one of those whom had to build up courage to later visit the bereaved because I was scared of saying the wrong thing and 'I'd' make them cry, I was uncomfortable in their company.  Far out .........!!!  I had no idea, and there was no way I could have, of all these other 'extremely crippling emotions' they would have been experiencing.  'Sad and lonely' on it's own we might be able work our way through ok,  but 'sad and lonely' alongside these other extreme emotions, as well as having to learn to live without our loved partners ..... wow it's almost inhumane!!  

I honestly don't know how people survived this type of grief before finding a grief forum such as this one. We here are very fortunate to have found each other.  I appreciate and love every one of you.  

Andy, in grief no matter our age, we seem to all experience those insecurities about whether people will like us, have a conversation with us and include us in theirs.  I've not ventured far socially yet but when I do, I do talk about Gerry as in 'Gerry was have loved this' etc, I've found it puts others at ease. I also try and think of doing new things alone as 'getting back on the horse' - ask myself what is the alternative if I don't do this?  In the leadup to meeting new people, I have the words 'calm and confident' replaying in my head. I've not felt very confident in life and having Gerry's love boosted the little I did have.  

Everything in life is so difficult without our beloved partners.  But we just have to do this tough **** if we don't want to spend the rest of our lives feeling so bad.   We've learnt not to expect a miracle to help us through but we are capable of changing our mindset little by little.

Ask your late wife to be with you in spirit, Andy.  And we here, can be too.

Sending strength, love and hugs.

 

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

M88, thank you for the thoughful response, your words mean so much and it's greatly appreciated. Everything you say is so spot on. 

My apprehension comes from so much, so much unknown. Every friendship, all ventures, decisions and experiences all happened with an entirely different context. The reflex to consider my wife's thoughts about something or asking for her opinion, it's still there. I have to actually change the way I think, how I'll consider what a decision or choice means for me and just me. Obviously my daughter is always a consideration, that will not change, but ultimately these are my decisions now. It's so very hard getting my heart to go along with this new paradigm. I'm naturally shy, I also tend to avoid organized groups, I've always been very minimal in my social presence. This wasn't a problem for the last 27 years, now it's obviously very different. It's very difficult for me to open up or trust, not because of some incident, it's just my nature. So, it appears as if I have a difficult road ahead, not that it wasn't already hard enough. 

I know my wife is around, perhaps observing or influencing things, I don't know how it actually works. I believe, though, that she's aware. 

Again, thank you so much. Have a wonderful rest of your day, peace and love,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 6/10/2017 at 11:37 PM, Andy said:

I'm a little apprehensive about doing something like this without my wife

Andy I hear you.

Just like in my thread the subjects " outside my comfort zone " . I felt this way and it's still hard to do, but I pick and choose ( this coming Saturday I'm going rafting with a signals group). I'm not an all in type person but after going to these events, I did feel good about it.

Autocharge 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
bradley1985
On 6/10/2017 at 11:27 PM, Andy said:

Yes, this 6th month window is doing some strange things, a creeping sort of sadness. It's been more gradual, so much so I wasn't aware just how bad I had begun to feel. Cried more today than the last couple of weeks, thoughts more somber. Missing her and this loneliness, this is so unbelievable how it's destroying everything. Happiness is more distant and this isolation is terrible. I think (hope?) this gets better, I really need it to, so I can think straight again, be positive again, my daughter needs me, especially now, to be there, be "whole" for her. Loss after loss after loss

Well, Andy,  its nice to hear your progress as you always seem to mirror about where I am.  Anxiety down, personal production is moving up.  Overall sadness at this reality is becoming overwhelming as reality continues to set in.  There will be NO FIX for this.  No Nicole.  No substition.  Just what appears to me a never ending string of a life lost resulting in overwhelming lonliness.  Being around groups of people sometimes helps for a few hours but even during that time underneath I still feel the infinite sadness.  I miss her so much.  There is nobody else like her and that reality is also setting in.  Her uniqueness was the highlight of my life and every day I realize this more and more.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Andy, bradley 1985---- Please be patient, kind, to yourselves. This is a tough journey, the unknowns frightening, but we cannot obsess with that. Go with the flow of the days and eventually hope will not be just a word, but a sensation, a feeling, to make goals grow from. (HUGS)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
4 hours ago, KMB said:

Andy, bradley 1985---- Please be patient, kind, to yourselves. This is a tough journey, the unknowns frightening, but we cannot obsess with that. Go with the flow of the days and eventually hope will not be just a word, but a sensation, a feeling, to make goals grow from. (HUGS)

It's what I like to think I'm doing, taking each day as it comes, realizing though that this loss and the search for yesterday will be something I have to live with. Each day presents new possibilities, good and bad, and I will live with that. It's knowing that I buried my wife 6 months ago and she won't come back home, ever, or the last time I heard her voice was 6 months ago, and I will never hear it again, these facts and so maby others won't go away, and it hurts so much. 

News just gets worse. My daughter called me at work today, it seems as if our 18 year old dog, a family member true and loved, has lost most of her ability to walk. If that's the case, if she can no longer get up, then I'm afraid that along with her worsening arthritis, I'll have to consider putting her down. I've had enough, so much loss, seeing my daughter cry yet again over a beloved family member is going to break my heart all over again. Nothing compares to losing her mom, but that loss only intensifies the agony of saying goodbye. It will for me. I'm just so tired, I feel beaten down and left to wither away. Is that my purpose? To just mourn the departed? I hope not, my heart hasn't got that much left.

Peace and love,

Andy  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Andy, I am so sorry for how you are hurting.I am right there with you. I had a meltdown earlier. The facts as you say, are so darn unfathomable. I still cannot handle the truth that my other half, who made me whole, is not ever coming back. I will never see him smile, call me* dear*, feel his touch, hear his voice.

I feel so much for you and your daughter, in having to make a decision in helping you fur friend cross over. 18 years is a much earned age for a dog. It speaks of how well your fur friend was taken care of.  How much can a person handle before you end up sinking to the floor and not giving a darn about ever getting up again? You have every right to be tired and feel beaten down. I feel that way myself, every day,and wonder why I get up the next day to go through it all over again. Obviously, when we were created, it was with all the suffering in mind that we would have to endure. Otherwise we wouldn't still be here to keep facing day after day.

My oldest daughter, from my first marriage, is moving back in, tomorrow afternoon. Long, complicated story, but good ole mom to the rescue. I've been busting my butt clearing out the upstairs bedroom and cleaning. Good thing the bedroom has a walk in closet for storing her accumulation. It has been giving me a temporary purpose for now. It will also provide me with some much needed company. But, you and I know, that no matter who is with us, we long for that person who is no longer here. God help me, God help us all.

Sending prayers for your fur friend, you and your daughter. May God bless you with courage and love.  (HUGS)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Andy,

Just like was said above, reach out of your comfort zone, little by little, doesn't have to be something big, start with something small.  We're not used to being on our own, it's amazing how much husbands & wives rely on each other, we complement one another, what one lacks, the other supplies, so we suddenly find ourselves seemingly cut adrift.  I've had to learn to get comfortable alone, just me, it didn't come naturally or easily, but it's taken practice...much like your first time off the high dive.  

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your dog, that's very hard. :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
5 hours ago, KMB said:

Andy, I am so sorry for how you are hurting.I am right there with you. I had a meltdown earlier. The facts as you say, are so darn unfathomable. I still cannot handle the truth that my other half, who made me whole, is not ever coming back. I will never see him smile, call me* dear*, feel his touch, hear his voice.

I feel so much for you and your daughter, in having to make a decision in helping you fur friend cross over. 18 years is a much earned age for a dog. It speaks of how well your fur friend was taken care of.  How much can a person handle before you end up sinking to the floor and not giving a darn about ever getting up again? You have every right to be tired and feel beaten down. I feel that way myself, every day,and wonder why I get up the next day to go through it all over again. Obviously, when we were created, it was with all the suffering in mind that we would have to endure. Otherwise we wouldn't still be here to keep facing day after day.

My oldest daughter, from my first marriage, is moving back in, tomorrow afternoon. Long, complicated story, but good ole mom to the rescue. I've been busting my butt clearing out the upstairs bedroom and cleaning. Good thing the bedroom has a walk in closet for storing her accumulation. It has been giving me a temporary purpose for now. It will also provide me with some much needed company. But, you and I know, that no matter who is with us, we long for that person who is no longer here. God help me, God help us all.

Sending prayers for your fur friend, you and your daughter. May God bless you with courage and love.  (HUGS)

Thank you KMB, you're correct, without question. This is a struggle, that no amount of "emotional fortitude" one may have, that we are woefully unprepared for. It's an ever shifting battle field with multiple enemies. One day, the landscape looks a certain way, trapping you into thinking you can handle this. The next day, however, the field has changed once again. On that day, the enemy is sly and cunning. Another day the enemy is loud and crippling. How do you fight that? Maybe you don't. Maybe we learn to let the carnage flow around us, just enough resistance to hold our ground, but not fully engaging, not risking destruction. I think constant emotional warfare leads to ruin, much like any other form of warfare. We just try to minimize the casualties.

I'm glad your daughter will provide you with some much needed company, moms are the best. It doesn't sound like the situation leading to her move is ideal, but it's great for the both of you that this arrangement is even possible. She indeed has a wonderful mom. 

I got home from work today and managed to actually get her waking and eating. I'm afraid this may be a temporary delaying of the inevitable. We'll see. Her spirit is indomitable, fighting long after the battles lost. Huh, maybe there's a lesson in there. Maybe the battles never lost as long as we strive to endure, only in surrender is the battle lost. If so, that dog has waged an epic fight, refusing to give up. We really do love that dog. 

Yes, God help and bless us all, for we need Him more than ever. 

Love and hugs,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
4 hours ago, KayC said:

Andy,

Just like was said above, reach out of your comfort zone, little by little, doesn't have to be something big, start with something small.  We're not used to being on our own, it's amazing how much husbands & wives rely on each other, we complement one another, what one lacks, the other supplies, so we suddenly find ourselves seemingly cut adrift.  I've had to learn to get comfortable alone, just me, it didn't come naturally or easily, but it's taken practice...much like your first time off the high dive.  

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your dog, that's very hard. :(

I do try to get out, I think about places or events, and I've hit some, car shows, book fairs, a local convention, trying to just absorb the moment. And it's ironic, more than anything I want my wife there with be, I want her by my side, yet without her, I want to be by myself. I still feel strange, even awkward, when taking to strangers. I'll figure this out. 

Thank you KayC, our dog is a member of the family, her passing will be a sad day for all of us. I like to think though, if things like this are possible, that Jewel (the dog) will have a very happy welcome when she crosses over. She will run again and jump and be pain free, chasing birds and squirrels. And my wife will be there, laughing and running right along with her. Anyway, that's what I like to believe. 

Thank you, you're so kind and thoughful, love and hugs,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
22 hours ago, Autocharge said:

Andy I hear you.

Just like in my thread the subjects " outside my comfort zone " . I felt this way and it's still hard to do, but I pick and choose ( this coming Saturday I'm going rafting with a signals group). I'm not an all in type person but after going to these events, I did feel good about it.

Autocharge 

It's good you're at the point where you're willing to put yourself out there like that, I think it's great. Hopefully I'll get there, of course not being a "joiner" or group kind of person, I may have to get creative. 

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
12 minutes ago, Andy said:

do try to get out, I think about places or events, and I've hit some, car shows, book fairs, a local convention, trying to just absorb the moment. And it's ironic, more than anything I want my wife there with be, I want her by my side, yet without her, I want to be by myself

It can be tough getting out and doing things on our own. Of course we want our loved one by our side to share these things with. It's just not the same without them. I'm trying hard to push myself but if I'm not ready for something, then I'm not ready and I won't do it. Be good to yourself and don't push too hard. You'll know when your ready to try certain things. Even the things that seem "easy" can be the most difficult. I actually did a "first" tonight. The last time I watched the TV in my living room was the day Pat died. Almost 6 months ago. I have not sat on my couch or turned on that TV in almost 6 months. I just couldn't. But tonight I did. There was an HBO show that we watched together last year that I wanted to catch up on. I don't know what got into me but I found my myself turning on the TV and getting comfortable on the couch. And it wasn't so bad. It's about figuring out what I enjoy and doing it. Of course it was so much better watching that show with Pat but I did actually find myself laughing out loud a couple times. I guess that's progress. Baby steps. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

KMB,

I hope this time with your daughter helps you both tremendously.  My daughter moved home with me for a short while when George died.  She was around a lot, but just having someone to touch base with now and then helped.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
9 hours ago, Andy said:

I like to think though, if things like this are possible, that Jewel (the dog) will have a very happy welcome when she crosses over. She will run again and jump and be pain free, chasing birds and squirrels. And my wife will be there, laughing and running right along with her. Anyway, that's what I like to believe. 

That's how I believe too.  No matter what side of heaven the dog is on, they'll have someone to care for them.  I've lost dogs and cats since George died, it's comforting to know he's with them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
8 hours ago, HHFaith said:

I found my myself turning on the TV and getting comfortable on the couch. And it wasn't so bad.

I couldn't watch t.v. for a long time after George died, cable was one of the first things to go.  It was ten years before I could really get into a book and read it all the way through.  I fought my way through grief books but can hardly say it was enjoyable.  Ten years.  That's what it did to my ability to focus.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

KayC, Thank you. It will be different with my daughter actually living here, instead of visiting. The moving truck will be here this afternoon. I know I will have to set some boundaries up with her. As far as what I am willing or not willing to do or for going places. I don't feel I am ever going to be 100% the person I used to be. I still just want to get through this life and be with my husband.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

HHFaith, thank you for your encouragement, something I need more of these days. 

Getting out and doing something or simply running an errand has taken on new dimensions and implications. Sometimes I just feel a little strange going to eat by myself, I wonder if people think if something wrong with me. I know, it's a strange thing to consider, but I can't help but wonder. Couples, family's, groups of friends, wherever or whatever, I feel like I shouldn't be there. I'm that odd guy who's always alone. I realize 99% of the people don't actually sit and think that much about strangers, we're much too inwardly focused for that, but I can't help how I feel. 

Its great that you've allowed yourself to once again enjoy a once cherished activity. It's difficult enough doing things without our beloveds, but then add to that our "guilt" for having fun without them. Emotions are so very complex and irrational, it's those things that make all of this so very difficult. You wreck your car, you call police/notify insurance, you get it fixed/pay what you have to pay, get car back and case closed. There is no "step by step" process to deal with our loss, so we do the best we can, sometimes we improvise, sometimes we do nothing at all. For us, watching a favorite show is a very big deal, so is cooking a meal, going on vacation (what is that again?), laughing, smiling, those are mountains for us. Things we once took for granted now become life goals. 

Thanks again HHFaith, I hope you have a great "rest of your day",

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
bradley1985
1 hour ago, Andy said:

Getting out and doing something or simply running an errand has taken on new dimensions and implications. Sometimes I just feel a little strange going to eat by myself, I wonder if people think if something wrong with me. I know, it's a strange thing to consider, but I can't help but wonder. Couples, family's, groups of friends, wherever or whatever, I feel like I shouldn't be there. I'm that odd guy who's always alone. I realize 99% of the people don't actually sit and think that much about strangers, we're much too inwardly focused for that, but I can't help how I feel. 

Andy,  I am pretty sure nobody is paying attention.  When Nicole and I used to eat out I never remember one time thinking about the people eating alone.  This doesnt bother me that much, however, seeing the couples talking and holding hands, etc still makes me feel my loss.  Every time I see a couple riding a motorbike which is about 500 times per day the memory just persists.  This keeps me permanently depressed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Andy, I still feel it when I go grocery shopping(the loss). I used to buy for four but not now, No one to ask if they like or want this or that. no conversation when shopping. I end up not getting much and then the checkout person always ask "How are you doing? or How has your day been?" I hate lying to them, It was ok until I had to go shopping. That's the truth but it's not their fault so I say "good" and pay. One thing hasn't changed groceries are still expansive, that part doesn't make sense any more. Then my kids come home from college and tell me I haven't got any food in the house. I can't win...

Autocharge

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Bradley1985, I'm sure you're right, nobody pays any attention, but it's a perception, probably because after always being with someone for so long, it just feels "wrong" to be doing the same things, but alone. Couples don't bother me, I actually find it nice to see others who appear to be happy together. In fact, my prevailing thought is "I hope they appreciate and cherish what they have". We know how quickly it can all disappear. Happiness still exists, with or without me, I just hope I can recapture some, before I turn completely into a grouchy curmudgeon with a bitter hatred for life. My wife passing has zero to do with anyone else or their happiness, just mine and our family. I sometimes wish I had anger, instead it's this creeping hopelessness that I'm fighting all the time. It's as if everything is precariously balanced and one more heartbreak will push it over. I'm still seeking and pushing and I absolutely refuse to give up. What happens is what happens, but not because I threw in the towel. 

Autocharge, that's a constant issue, people ask how you are, we know they really aren't interested, it's a courtesy, nothing more. So, like you, I say "good" or "fine" and carry on. One day perhaps, it won't be a total lie. 

Thank you both, be safe and may you find peace,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
2 hours ago, Autocharge said:

I still feel it when I go grocery shopping(the loss).

 

The grocery store is a big issue for many, especially after caregiving. I try to go to different stores, change my routine and menus and always buy a treat for myself that I never would have bought before. Yesterday on the way home from the store I stopped at a old fashioned frozen custard shop, bought a quart of soft vanilla and ate it on the drive home. I completely forgot about buying just one steak, not two. I am, however, much more likely to get gourmet takeout than eat at a restaurant because it saves time and I still adjusting to doing all the things my wife used to do. People have been very supportive and many go out of their way to help and include me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I couldn't get groceries after George died.  We'd always made it "our day", we live 50 miles away from the grocery store and would go visit friends, go out to eat, get groceries, make the trek home, put everything away, enjoy the fruits of our labors and watch a movie together...it was OUR day.  After I lost him, I just couldn't do it, couldn't make that drive alone.  My daughter got groceries for me for months until I finally moved out of my comfort zone and forced myself to do it.  So hard!  Baby steps...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
3 hours ago, KayC said:

I couldn't get groceries after George died.  We'd always made it "our day", we live 50 miles away from the grocery store and would go visit friends, go out to eat, get groceries, make the trek home, put everything away, enjoy the fruits of our labors and watch a movie together...it was OUR day.  After I lost him, I just couldn't do it, couldn't make that drive alone.  My daughter got groceries for me for months until I finally moved out of my comfort zone and forced myself to do it.  So hard!  Baby steps...

I still have a hard time with groceries. I have gone very few times on my own, and when I do it's usually for necessities, not really for any food. I have gone with family when they are visiting and that's when food is bought because they are cooking. I can't even tell them that I no longer shop for food that needs preparing. I just can't, I have no desire. I will usually pick up a salad on my way home fromwork or some fast food, or some cans of soup and water. I used to do most of the grocery shopping and I would always pick up items for us to fix dinner together, and I would pick up some items I thought Lily would like to try. But now, I have no desire to cook and the fun and joy of trying new foods is gone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

wow, The grocery thing seems to be a big issue. Yes I to have just the necessities including cans of soup. Quick , easy, cheap I find it to be more expensive to buy and prep food then eating out. Also lots of places give me a discount for being military. The change in eating habits has resulted in me losing 45 lbs this past year. I have stabilized at 186 lbs for about 5 months now. So I think the issue of weight loss and depression in regards to one's health is not my concern now. Having traveled around the world I like all kinds of food  .I still find myself trying new things it's what I do plus you just never know when you will find that new favorite.

Autocharge

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

The grocery store was a trigger for a long time.  My George loved to eat, being from a family where he was second to the oldest of 11 kids, never enough food growing up, food was important to him, he loved all of it and was so fun to cook for because he truly appreciated anything I fixed.  When I would run across something at the store that he loved, after he was gone, it was very hard...not fun breaking into tears in the grocery aisle!  People look at you kind of weird.:wacko:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, KayC said:

The grocery store was a trigger for a long time.  My George loved to eat, being from a family where he was second to the oldest of 11 kids, never enough food growing up, food was important to him, he loved all of it and was so fun to cook for because he truly appreciated anything I fixed.  When I would run across something at the store that he loved, after he was gone, it was very hard...not fun breaking into tears in the grocery aisle!  People look at you kind of weird.:wacko:

I think it's those common, everyday activities that we so often do with our partners that get such a reaction, whether it's buying groceries, shopping in general or running to the post office. It's the "rituals" that have been created through years of routine. It's almost akin to reflex or muscle memory, we're so used to our beloved being there, this "amputation" hits us when we attempt a task that was done with two instead of one. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
58 minutes ago, Andy said:

I think it's those common, everyday activities that we so often do with our partners that get such a reaction, whether it's buying groceries, shopping in general or running to the post office. It's the "rituals" that have been created through years of routine. It's almost akin to reflex or muscle memory, we're so used to our beloved being there, this "amputation" hits us when we attempt a task that was done with two instead of one. 

 

Yes! It's the routines that are no more. We used to go into town on weekends together, I would run in and do the grocery shopping and she would wait in the car. She hated the long lines so I would do the shopping. But it was the 30 minute drive to and from town that was the best part of our trips. The time we would have, we'd talk and laugh, or sometimes just listen to the radio or she'd be on the phone with her family, but she was there and I could turn to her and she'd smile. Or, we'd go shopping for whatnots and sometimes we wouldn't buy anything, we'd walk around the store just browsing and daydreaming about the extravagant items we hoped to one day get for our home. Now, those dreams are gone, those times spent together are no more. I am left with nothing. A big house that I barely live in and enjoy because it's too hard. I stay in my room and just wait for another day to come. The weekends are the worst. I don't know what I am going to do with myself with so much empty time to waste.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Lulu, I definitely understand that. Empty spaces and empty hours. Spending the rest of our days trying to fill them with something meaningful. 

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
22 hours ago, Andy said:

I think it's those common, everyday activities that we so often do with our partners that get such a reaction, whether it's buying groceries, shopping in general or running to the post office. It's the "rituals" that have been created through years of routine. It's almost akin to reflex or muscle memory, we're so used to our beloved being there, this "amputation" hits us when we attempt a task that was done with two instead of one. 

 

You're so right!  I've been at this long enough to have broken the "routine" of doing these things with him but even now I get hit with "George would like that" thoughts...even after all this time.  12 years in two days.  

Friday evenings were a trigger for me too.  George used to come into my office about 4:30-4:45 pm every Friday night, holding a drippy ice cream cone for me (what was I supposed to do with a drippy ice cream cone while I was busy working, backing up my computer, finishing what I was doing, etc.?)  I used to give him the outgoing mail so he could walk to the Post Office a block away and mail them, just to get him out of my hair long enough to back up the computer, etc.  Oh how I miss that!  I miss he beautiful smiling face, his spirit!  I miss HIM!  Sigh...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

KayC, 

Its only been 6 months for me, yet, after 12 years, you're still struck with profound sadness, perhaps not as often as it once was, but it's still there. There shouldn't be any surprise I guess, your love for one another is equally as profound and even more enduring. One without the other is impossible I suppose, it's as it must be. 

I go to a local spot every weekend, Saturday morning usually, to eat breakfast. It's a place my wife and I would go, on occasion, just the two of us. It's the only place so far I can endure dining alone. I feel somewhat "at ease" while there, so frequent my visits that I've become a "regular". They know me, my story, why I'm alone. Instead of it being a trigger, it's more of a comfort, being in a place we both enjoyed, it's casual simplicity, it's familiar surroundings. Regardless of where I go or what I do, she'll be missed, for even in places completely foreign to me, she isn't by my side. And that made everything familiar and all things right.

Her absence makes every picture incomplete.

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I wouldn't say I'm a sad person, but sometimes lonely, always miss him, triggers can hit but not as strong as they once were.  He was the love of my life, definitely my soulmate!  It's as you describe...you always notice their absence.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, KayC said:

I wouldn't say I'm a sad person, but sometimes lonely, always miss him, triggers can hit but not as strong as they once were.  He was the love of my life, definitely my soulmate!  It's as you describe...you always notice their absence.

I'm sorry, I think I choose my words poorly. I wasn't trying to imply you're a sad person, just remarking that, even after so many years, you can still have moments where the pain and sorrow hit you. Again KayC, I apologize, I know you aren't a sad person, quite the contrary, I hope I can get to the place you're at. 

Be safe and hugs my friend,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

No apologies needed, Andy!  I just don't want anyone to think that it's all mopey after all these years!  (12 years today)

But I suppose it is a fair assessment...I think to those of us who have lost our soulmate, there is a level of sadness we carry around with us even while we're enjoying ourselves!   I have learned to coexist with my grief.  Sometimes I forget that I am "different" from other people, that this is not their normal too, because I have gotten used to this, it's always with me.  I can fully enjoy what is even while missing what isn't, if that makes any sense.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
10 hours ago, KayC said:

No apologies needed, Andy!  I just don't want anyone to think that it's all mopey after all these years!  (12 years today)

But I suppose it is a fair assessment...I think to those of us who have lost our soulmate, there is a level of sadness we carry around with us even while we're enjoying ourselves!   I have learned to coexist with my grief.  Sometimes I forget that I am "different" from other people, that this is not their normal too, because I have gotten used to this, it's always with me.  I can fully enjoy what is even while missing what isn't, if that makes any sense.

It makes perfect sense. I'm glad you weren't offended by my poor choice of phrasing, I was afraid I had been stupid in my explanation. Coexisting with our grief, exactly! That's exactly what we strive for, I do anyway. Not to constantly struggle against it or allow it to control my emotions or life, but to live as healthy and as productively as we can. You summed up the heart of the matter, getting along with our loss, our sorrow, without going insane. 

Well said KayC. Again, thank you for understanding. Love and an apologetic hug :-)

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Friends,

I just got home from work, after sitting an additional 40 minutes as an accident scene was worked. I think there were injuries, 2 ambulances were on site, so my having to sit in 100 degree heat index weather was minor compared to those involved. My point, after arriving home I had a letter from our old phone carrier waiting on me. It stated that the bill was nearly $100 for just my wife's line, not a smartphone, so no data, nothing but standard texting and calling. While we had all of our phones with this carrier, her line was $16.00 a month. I took the other two phones off and they raised it to nearly $100. So, I had no choice. I called and informed them why this arrangement was unacceptable, and I could no longer keep the line. I can't describe what that just did to me, I knew this day was coming, but I kept ignoring the reality. I sent her phone one last text, said what I wanted, the end of another chapter. The last, physically tangible, act I could still engage in that was a direct link to one of our rituals, is gone. I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Saying goodbye again. Another piece of what was, has disappeared. Slowly, or maybe quickly, she's vanishing from the world. I guess only some photos, mementos, and memories will remain. Mail addressed to her has nearly ceased, no more text messages from the pharmacy, no calls from the doctors, nobody wanting to speak to Tracie. I don't know what exactly I'm feeling, I think there's a lot going on, but it isn't good. God, I'm so tired. My heart has been crushed and there has to be something, someone, some way back. 

Thank you for reading,

Andy 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
21 minutes ago, Andy said:

she's vanishing from the world

Andy, I’m dealing with something similar to your phone situation. However my problem is a little bigger for you see it’s a Car(SUV). The motor has a rod knocking in it ( it started not to long before she came to Guam and of course she never need it again). It cost more to put an engine it then it's worth and the scrap metal place will only give 150.00 for it. But every time it’s in my way (it’s out in the pasture by the barn) I go out there and it starts right up engine knocking and all radio AC, windows, sunroof all perfect. Other than the engine its in great shape. Why can't it just break all the way? Point is I can't make up my mind on what to do with it. I had to move the set just to get in and move it but I dare not adjust the mirrors( I can still hear her telling me about all the effort it takes to readjust her mirrors just right for her, she was 4 foot 11).

 

Autocharge

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
soundmankeysman1
1 hour ago, Andy said:

The last, physically tangible, act I could still engage in that was a direct link to one of our rituals, is gone. I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Saying goodbye again. Another piece of what was, has disappeared. Slowly, or maybe quickly, she's vanishing from the world. I guess only some photos, mementos, and memories will remain. Mail addressed to her has nearly ceased, no more text messages from the pharmacy, no calls from the doctors, nobody wanting to speak to Tracie. I don't know what exactly I'm feeling, I think there's a lot going on, but it isn't good. God, I'm so tired. My heart has been crushed and there has to be something, someone, some way back. 

Hi Andy,

Mike here.  I know the feeling.  You're at a hard time in your grief; as if there were any easy times... But you must realize it will pass.  Nothing stays the same in this world: not joy, love, happiness or sadness.  You will make it through this, and on the other side, there may well be good times again.  Stay strong.  We're all here for you.

Mike

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.